I guess today is going to be my post for July where I complain about parenting. So you can move on if you aren't interested.
Last night we took Tori to see a local high school's production of "The Disney Princesses." It was very well done, actually, and Tori loved it (mostly) but here is the problem: THE TALKING. Tori talked ALL DAY LONG about the show, insisting on playing Disney Princess games on the computer, reading her Disney Princess book, and listing at top volume the name of the all the princesses over and over again. And, naturally, she talked (loudly) THROUGH the entire show (just as she did when we went to see the movie Up; she does a running commentary on whatever she's seeing).
If I never see another fucking Disney Princess, it will be too fucking soon (and there went my free trip to Disney, sigh) (kidding, no one has offered me a free trip to Disney. I'm just saying now they won't.).
Second problem? THE TANTRUMS. I know some of you have suggested we not tell Tori anything that we're doing until we are on our way to go do it, but we have found that our days go better if we constantly discuss what's going to happen. Meaning before she goes to bed we go over the next day, and when she wakes up we plan out the day so she knows what to expect. But she was SO EXCITED about the damned Princesses that every. single. moment. that we WEREN'T watching the show all day long caused her to collapse into a full-on tantrum and crying and inconsolable wailing and shrieking and gnashing of teeth.
When she finally fell asleep at 10pm, I felt like I'd spent the day being pummeled. Every moment was a challenge yesterday, from getting her dressed to go to camp in the morning to changing each diaper throughout the day to getting her to eat. Each step she took forward was only taken after being threatened with either a time-out or not getting to see the Princesses. It was a horrible day, and it felt like a major parenting FAIL.
I'm sure everything Tori is doing is totally normal. I hear the ungodly shrieks of our neighbor's son, who is six months older than Tori, frequently enough to know that Tori is simply acting her age. Additionally, a lot of what we are doing is working. Charlie and I have decided to focus on Tori's manners a bit (she's become a tiny general issuing constant orders: "Sit down!" "I want a juice box! NOW!"), so we've both told her we can't hear her unless she asks for something nicely – and we're seeing some results already in just a few days. This morning I guided Tori toward a couple outfits she could choose from (both meeting her camp's standards of dress) and then I showed her how to dress herself, which took the fight out of the morning getting ready process (although we did have a bit of a battle about her not being allowed to wear a dress today). Most amazingly, I've been absolutely diligent about setting bedtime boundaries (three stories, then three lullabies, and that's it) and that's cut down the drama at bedtime. When I set boundaries with her, I make her repeat stuff back to me that I've just said so I know she gets it (THANK YOU to my darling neighbor Laurie for suggesting that, it really helps).
As you can see, it's clear to me that a firmer and firmer hand (as far as setting down rules and boundaries goes, anyway) is required with Tori to make life easier for everyone, and it's also obvious that she feels safe having a balance of choices and boundaries. That seems to work.
But I have not yet determined the appropriate response to the tantrums. The tantrums come with a full-on collapse to the floor and/or hard-core stomping of the feet, shrieking, tears, and -- when we try to intervene -- hitting. I've tried grabbing her and hugging her tightly and telling her over and over that I love her while she cries. I've tried ignoring her (she just gets up, comes over to me, and hits me). I've tried yelling more loudly than she's crying. I've tried offering her a choice of other things. I feel like I've tried everything, but they just happen more and more, and yesterday there must have been over two dozen meltdowns -- and that was only in the three hours between her nap and the Princess performance.
Plus, I worry. Is Tori's complete lack of impulse control (oh my GOD the talking) normal for her age? Shouldn't she be able to ground herself a bit more now? She clearly understands everything I'm saying to her, it's not a matter of lack of communication. We work hard to show her exactly how things are going to go before they happen. We make sure that each of us gives her plenty of undivided attention on a daily basis (so we aren't always on our laptops when she's playing in the living room, for example).
We also worry about her amazingly short attention span. She prefers, in general, to do two things at once. If she's coloring, she wants to watch TV too. If she's building blocks, she wants to tell you a story too. If we're reading a book, she wants to dance at the same time. She flits from task to task from object to object. The only thing we can get her to sit still for is computer games; she's just figured out how to use the (what do you call it?) pad thingy on the laptops so she can play simple learning games by herself, primarily. That she might do for twenty minutes at a time or so. But she can't sit still through a meal (even just a twenty minute meal at home), or for anything else, really. Even at the pool she runs back and forth between the big pool and the baby pool so frequently you get whiplash trying to keep up.
We understand that she is normal (most likely). We've had a minor evaluation (a good friend that's in the field and has spent a lot of time with Tori observing her and proclaimed her normal and smart) and she doesn't have any sensory issues or any signs of ADHD or anything at all like that. But GOOD GOD people, she's exhausting sometimes. I honestly don't know how I made it through yesterday without yelling (except maybe a bit at Charlie, ahem) at Tori and losing my shit.
Sigh.
Okay, I think I'm done with my whine. I mostly wrote this post so that I could clear my head and feel cheerful and relaxed when I pick Tori up from camp at noon today. And so that I could face the weekend with no breaks from Tori without feeling totally overwhelmed. So I consider this post an honest vent and not a complaint. Heh.
I'll end with one very positive thing. After a series of strange incidents (a gas leak at the dance studio and then the teacher was sick) we finally got Tori back to her ballet class on Wednesday. We switched classes from one immediately post nap to one a bit later in the day, and it was a good choice: SHE LOVED IT. The teacher (who sadly was a sub, but she'll be teaching in the fall) but was amazing, really engaging the kids and keeping them on their feet and active rather than focusing on the positions and placement of hands and stuff (since the kids are three to four years old, that makes sense). Tori was so cute jumping and twirling and dancing that I actually cried a little. She was just darling and at her very best; inquisitive, joyful, and bursting with happiness. Even if she couldn't quite ever manage to wait her turn to do something, she did each movement with finesse and confidence, such a delightful combination that I couldn't keep the grin off my face (yes, I laughed and cried at the same time). I desperately hope that whatever happens to her in life that she can keep just a little bit of that gleeful confidence as she faces things, because if she can, she'll be able to do anything she sets her mind to. My beautiful girl.
So there you go. The yin and yang of parenting. May today be an easier day, huh? Have a great weekend.
