Today Is Not A Good Day

I don’t know why, but it all has suddenly hit me: everything about this IVF cycle has slammed into my heart hard and I am floundering.

I feel betrayed by my body; that it couldn’t even do IVF right. It had to overreact to the drugs so I ended up hyper stimulated. It had to have a progesterone surge following my HCG shot so that a fresh embryo transfer was impossible. It had to gain a zillion pounds so that I can’t even bear to look at myself, and none of my clothes fit—and those clothes are already big as it is. I’m so angry with my body I literally wish that I could walk on out of it—just drop it by the side of the road and move on.

I feel betrayed by my doctor because the communication has been so unclear and each time I speak with someone at the office I get more bad news. I am disgusted with the nurses and their bad New Jersey accents and their dismissive way of giving me information and acting annoyed that I react to that information. I feel angry and betrayed that no one told me how horrendously painful the egg retrieval could be so that I woke up alone and scared and hurting so, so badly. I feel angry that they gave me nothing to help with the pain at the doctor’s office, and I had to endure an awful 45-minute car trip home until my husband could go to the pharmacy and fill a prescription.

I am overwhelmed by emptiness—and empty heart with nothing left to give, and an empty womb that aches. When I feel this way, every single thing causes me to react with anger—customers walking into my store and wanting help drain me so badly that I want to hurt them. My husband trying to talk to me about anything—anything at all from bills to IVF to what to do this weekend—fills me a hot burning anger that terrifies me. I feel like running headlong into a wall, or walking in front of a bus, or cutting off my hand, just to see what would happen. It’s not suicidal, exactly; it’s more like creating a different pain just to be distracted from this one.

When I get this way, it’s usually because I have rejected all the nurturing offered me and become alarming self-sufficient. This time, I think it’s actually because my life is just too much to bear right now. I feel weak—weak from the hormones and weak from the emotional blasts. Plus I feel weak compared to getupgrrl or Julie or Julia, or any of the other fabulous bloggers I've gotten to know, who have all been through so much more, and survived.

My old sponsor told me that I needed to turn to God when I feel this way—that the only thing that will fill my emptiness is a power greater than myself. But there is the biggest betrayal of all. God has totally abandoned me, as far as I can tell. God is all around me, in the bright eyes of my neighbor’s baby or my big beautiful dog, but God is keeping a suspicious distance from me. I’ve been kicked to the curb and am lying there bleeding.

Jesus, I sound crazy. Truth is, I’m probably more hormonal than anything else. I’m sure I’m having the mother of all PMS’s, courtesy of injectibles and 35 fucking follicles. I know I’ll get through this, since I always manage to get through everything.

It’s just really fucking hard.

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I’ve come to the realization that I can’t go to Washington, DC this weekend for March For Women’s Lives. As important as the issues are to me, and as much as I want to have my voice heard, I am too vulnerable, sad, and angry to be surrounded by beautiful women all fighting for the right to terminate their pregnancies when they need to. Right now, I need to feel safe and loved, and I don’t think I will feel much of that in that crowd. I cannot afford the anger right now. I really can’t.

So those of you going, please, yell extra loudly with me in mind. I’m there with you in spirit, even if I can’t bear to bring my flesh.

Comments

[Sarah]

You are allowed to have a bad day, you know that, right?
You are not 'weaker' than any of the other miraculous women around these blogs, you all have bad days. This is an excrutiating struggle, and shots of hormones serve to amplify what is already wraught with emotion.
Know I love you and there are women all over rooting for you...let us hold you up when your higher power can't.
Don't worry about anything or anyone else. Just take care of you.

[Shelly]

Infertility just sucks. We are presented with IVF as the solution. It takes a while to come to grips with the fact that we need a high-tech solution. But noone tells us how emotionally draining it all is and all the things that can go wrong. And when those things go wrong the pain is unbearable. And I completely agree that it does feel like God has let us down. All I can say is that time does ease some of the pain and frustration.

[Elise]

Sarah and Shelly said it better than I ever could but let me put my name on this list as another woman pulling for you, thinking of you and supporting everything you're doing. Weak is never a word that I would associate with you. What you are is strong for doing this most difficult and painful and terrifying of things.

[Julia]

Please, please, please don't feel guilty for feeling shitty. And there's no comparing of sorrows allowed in Blogging-land. Seriously.

My second request is that you stop beating yourself up. I usually find the quickest way to dry up a pain well is to wallow. That's right. Don't fight it, just get down there in it and bitch and moan a cry - that kind of crying where snot runs freely from your nose and you don't even care.

Pretty soon, I find myself on the other side. (Though "soon" is a relative term.) And keep writing. That's the peroxide and bandaid after.

[Karen]

Ok. One mini minute at a time, my sweets. You're where I was/am, and it's a suckhole place to be. I hate my body. I hate my life right now. I want to drop my entire life by the side of the road. But take a deep breath, because this will pass. It's a dumb cliche (and I hate cliches) but it will pass. You will move to your transfer and between then and now we will help you get there. You can deal with the weekend or tonight or the next hour when you get there. That's what I'm doing. My body NEVER responds the way it is, and you just have to accept that bodies aren't meant to be prodded and analyzed this much. You did GREAT for your IVF--too many eggs is so much better than none. Please, give yourself a hug, and do something good for yourself. We all love you and will help you get through this.

[Julie]

Yo, VIP. Let's kick it.

This is an awful, wrenching business, and your response to it is completely, beautifully sane. I don't think anyone who can work up the nerve to volunteer for this shit is weak. And I don't think anyone sails through it without fear and anxiety anyone with a brain and a soul, I mean, which you have in voluptuous quantity.

Everyone above said it more eloquently, but I hope you know we're here to help you in any way we can. I am sorry you're feeling so rotten.

[Chrissi]

Hey C....so sorry you feel alone, it sucks to be in this and I do know how you feel, how the hell did I get lucky enough to be one of the 5-10% of women to get PCOS..FUN...the staff at your office deseves to have to go through this even though they might be fertile then they will get some darn compassion and treat you the way you deserve. All I can say is it will get better, I hate this stupid extra weight on my lower stomach and no matter how many times people say ..oh it's all the IVF drugs and you'll get better...I want to punch them and hang a potato sack in their underwear!! As hard as it is, they are right, it will get better...in the short time I have been aroun you, Cecily - you are an amazingly strong woman....you'll feel better....Chrissi

[getupgrrl]

All of us have floor cake days (especially, it seems, me). You're not "weak" for suffering - in fact, the opposite is true. To feel the wrenching pain of infertility and to carry on - that's courageous, graceful, brave. I hope you can see yourself the way others see you.