Fat, Fat, Fat

I went on my first diet, a liquid protein diet, when I was twelve. My mother was doing it, so I thought it would be fun (ug, protein drinks in the seventies. What was I thinking). Plus, the boys at school called me fat, so it must be true, right? I lost weight, and felt very cool and skinny, and was devastated to discover the boys still called me fat. In fact, they called all the girls fat.

Since that time, I have been on 65465196 diets. The don’t-eat-all-day-and-then-drink-all the-beer-in-the-universe diet was my favorite during my twenties. The Carb Addict’s Diet put me in the hospital for six days (something about the sudden decrease in fiber caused my intestines to prolapse). I’ve seen two different nutrionists. Weight Watcher’s was my most recent success.

But I’m an emotional eater, and I hate to deprive myself. These are bad traits in a dieter.

So it’s not a terrible shock that during my months and months of fertility treatments I found myself gaining weight at an alarming rate, both due to the actual side effects of the drugs (progesterone, we all know, makes you RAVENOUS) and the fact that I kept getting those fucking negative pregnancy tests.

So when I finally got that positive pregnancy test, I went ahead and weighed myself for the first time in four months, only to find I’d gained back all the weight I lost with Weight Watcher’s.

At first, I lost weight, due to my morning sickness. But after I read that damn book, I began forcing myself to eat every two hours, and have successfully managed to gain fourteen pounds.

And now, I’m hovering at a number on the scale that is so obscene I won’t even share it with you, you lovely supportive people who don’t know where I live. It’s just too awful.

I have excused this in all the old favorite ways: I’m retaining water (and I am—you should see the water buffalo feet I have at the end of the day, and you could store things in the craters I get in my calves from anything pressing against them); I’m drinking a lot of water; etc, etc.

Plus there is the fabulous new excuse—I’m carrying fucking twins!

So I’ve worked hard, these last couple of weeks, to accept the changes to my body--my barely-existent waist disappearing, my huge apron of a stomach pushing out farther and farther.

It’s so difficult to switch from being a person obsessed with losing weight to one that sits back and just lets the pounds creep on. While I know, and the midwife confirmed, that gaining weight now is better for the twins in the long run, it’s still so hard to be ok with that huge, obscene number on the scale.

Another way I’ve comforted myself is by remembering that at least one of the twin books I read claimed that the uterus of a woman carrying twins is at least two months ahead of a singleton pregnancy. So my waist was vanishing because my twelve week uterus thinks it’s really twenty weeks pregnant.

So imagine my dismay when the midwife checks the size of my uterus and says, “Perfect! It’s about the size of a fourteen week uterus, normal in twins!”

So…even with all my sickness (and my unrelenting whining thereof) I have managed to gain weight without much in the way of help from the boys…

Yep, I’m a loser. Not about the fatness or the weight gain. It just puts the sickness in perspective, if you know what I mean. To realize that the weight I’ve gained is not all contributable to my boys and the side effects of pregnancy is to realize that I have been maybe just a teensy bit overdramatic about my illness.

Ah, the pain and humiliation of perspective.

Of course, I can see this because today is a good stomach day. Yesterday was a bad one. But the good ones are increasing, and the fatigue has really faded away quite a bit.

It’s time for me to begin exercising again. This will help the water retention, I hope, and will help get me in shape to actually squeeze these kiddos out. I’m thinking water aerobics and pre-natal yoga. And maybe walking my dog again. Got any other suggestions?

Comments

[Anne]

Actually I think you've got the good exercises mostly covered there; swimming/water aerobics, yoga, walking, I would just maybe add recumbent(sp?) stationary biking?

[Debra]

By far I think walking is one of the best things you could do. I did water aerobics and found those lots of fun.

Walking your dog.. even if it is for 30 minutes every night should help a lot. Plus it will give you time to think. I always love walking my dog... gives me "me" time to think.

Best of Luck!!

[Chris]

Sounds like a good plan...prenatal yoga sounds very nice...stretchy and relaxing! Just don't overdo it, stop when you are tired and have fun!

Chris

[MOT]

Hey there MOT to be!

I went from 155 pounds to 237 pounds in my twin pregnancy. It didn't look pretty, I am five foot three. I carried them to 39 weeks, after I discovered I was pg at 5 weeks. I thought that was the longest stretch of time ever. Until I look back on our first year together. The first birthday is in two weeks - and we are all still sane, by the grace of God alone.

Join your local Mother of Twins Club; they can be a good resource. Line up your baby sitters now! If you know you are going to need time alone, better have it organized before the s**t actually hits the fan.

[EJL]

Hi. i just found this site doing some research as i struggle to come to terms with my own weight. i wanted to tell you i really enjoyed and related to your story. i also was doing protein diets in the 70's and obsessing about not being thin enough; i also was very badly hurt, betrayed, by once-friends in elementary school. my mom was always telling me i needed to suck in my stomach and i was convinced i was fat and i look at those pictures of me as a little girl and i was just completely normal-sized and it makes me so sad!!! all my life i've gained and lost and hated myself every time i gained it back. now i am 39 and hypothyroid and have some other endocrine system issues and i would like to change my body, and i work out and lift weights and do all that good stuff, and the truth is i eat very healthy food, but the measures i would have to take to lose weight in terms of calorie restriction and cardio are so extreme and so protracted i just don't want to make those kind of sacrifices -- this is after lengthy professional consultations. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. and i just want to be able to like myself and accept myself as i am, whether i can meet those physical goals, or not.

it's not right to hate yourself because of how you look, it's not right to be valued and privileged or judged and rejected by others based solely on body size. and truthfully, and this is from my heart, i see your picture at the top of the page and think my god, what a beautiful woman. i'm not trying to idealize fatness over thinness just like i'm trying not to idealize being skinny. you just are truly beautiful. and that is honestly just good for me to see because i am really coming to terms with great sadness over where i find myself now, even though in many ways my life has never been better, i have such strong feelings of grief about my body size. but i will fight for my right to be larger than others may consider ideal, to take up space and assert myself as a woman and a full-fledged person.

congratulations on your pregnancy, i'm very glad for you. i would feel the same way about boys and for the same reasons you mentioned. i have not had children and i have often thought how much i would love to have had a daughter. it would not mean i would not love boys if i had had them, but a daughter is also special in a different way. however you seem like a courageous and creative woman and for whatever reason your road is taking you on this path less traveled and i hope it is a grand adventure for all of you.

[EJL]

oh yeah i forgot to add... i got sober along the way too.

[sandy]

I go away for a few days and all hell breaks loose on your blog! But it is so interesting to me, now that the time allocation in my life is shifting away from motherhood to whatever it is goijng to be. I am fascinated with hearing people talking about pregnancy and mothering. As you know, Cec, I am the mother of 2 boys, now 18 and 15. There are gender differences. Here is my advice on mothering 2 boys:
1. Keep your sense of humor. There are moments of unbelievable chaos headed your way.
2. Keep the name of an orthopedic surgeon on speed dial.
3. You will be the best cook and the best woman they will ever know -- and they will tell any future partners that.
4. Whether your sons are gay or straight, girls follow boys home. That's where you get your daughters -- just think of these daughters as having gotten over the rough parts before you got them. Mazel tov.

[Tertia]

No advice, but you if you find any share with me please. I looked in the mirror this morning and nearly fainted. I am covered in cellulite. I even have it on my arms. Lord help me I am fucking huge.

[Kathleen]

Get in the pool! Especially as your pregnancy progresses, it will feel so good to be weighless for awhile.

I used to diet too and, wow, did I hate my body. Now I weigh approx. 275lbs (I'm not pregnant) and I'm fine with that. I can't tell you how much happier I am since I killed my scale. I love myself as I am, fully and completely. I ride my bike, I walk on the beach, I eat well, I live my life. It works for me.