How To Prove Midwives Can Be Assholes, Just Like Any Other Medical Practitioner

1. Make “Oh my GOD!” sounds when you see your patient’s blood pressure of the day

2. Talk to your patient as if they are a 14-year-old who didn’t know sex could get you pregnant, even if they are actually 36-years-old and went through two years of infertility treatments and know more about getting pregnant than most general practitioners

3. Tell your patient that you and the other midwives have decided, as a practice, two weeks earlier, that she needs to switch to an obstetrician and that you can’t treat them anymore

4. Don’t give this information to the perinatologist your patient saw a week ago, or call the patient to inform them of this fact, so that the patient can be sure to waste her time by coming to visit you once more for no fucking reason

5. Make the patient wait a really long time before you check the babies’ heart rates, even after the patient tells you that she is really afraid and needs to know that the babies are still alive, while giving a lecture on the state of malpractice insurance in the commonwealth

6. Once you finally decide to break out the Doppler, be sure to begin checking for the heartbeats up near the patient’s ribcage, even though the patient is not quite 18 weeks pregnant and the babies aren’t up there, just so the patient can completely freak out and start to cry thinking her babies are dead

7. Continue to persist in using the Doppler too high, even when the patient tells you repeatedly to move it, and then ponder out loud if the way-too-fucking-slow to be a baby’s heart rate is the right one, even when the patient says, clearly, that she knows it’s her own heartbeat because her heart is currently pounding away in her throat in perfect time to the sound the Doppler is making

8. Finally find one heartbeat after the patient forcibly moves your hand to the right position

9. Move the Doppler and hear another baby’s heartbeat, but tell the patient you can’t be sure it’s not the same baby as the first heartbeat, even though it’s six fucking inches away from the first one, just so the patient can continue to enjoy her freakout

10. Be sure to smear the Doppler gel all over the patients skirt and then scold the patient for making you make a mess

11. Run, fast as you can, as patient rises up quickly with an impressive left hook.

Comments

[Amanda]

Oh I would have kicked her in the face and rubbed the gell all over her head! What a goober. Make sure you tell everybody not to go to those stupid people. I hope that the rest of your day went well. :)

Amanda

[Susan]

That is too scary, and incompetent and insensitive, for words.

[Elise]

Holy shit! I can't believe that's how your day went. I'm so glad the babies are OK and that she finally found the heartbeats. She sounds like an idiot and a bitch! What a great combination.

[Jen P]

Gah. And she went on about malpractice....hrrrrm... if only she could see the forest for the trees.

[Maya]

Ugh. What an ass. I, unfortunately, had very similar evil asswipe midwife experiences. There are good ones out there, but it isn't a given. I hope you find a wonderful ob/gyn or another midwife to help you. I found a caring, thoughtful, un-interventionist ob/gyn and couldn't have been happier.

[Maryann]

Please tell me the left hook was for real!

[Anne]

What the fuck????? I cant seem to think of anything more coherent than that b/c I keep needing to scoop my jaw up from off of the floor. I mean seriously what was that midwife thinking? It just boggles the mind.

[Brandy]

WOW, OMG! I've been following your blog for quite a while but I don't think I've posted before. I had to when I saw this post. I think I would have had a freak out on this woman about her attitude. She would definitely have have known how I felt before I left the office. How can someone like that think a job in the medical field is a good thing? Some people should do not be allowed to even go near patient's, much less treat them like that. I am so sorry you had to deal with someone like that. I really enjoy your blog and most of all I just wanted you to know I was here and wanted to wish you the best of luck! :-)

[Melanie]

Damn. And I was so sure that all the midwives were the good ones. Oh well.

I hated the OB I met on my last visit, but I do have to say that even though I was only ten weeks, the nurse poked at my fat belly until she found both heart beats. I doubt I will visit that practice again, but I will remember her fondly, lol.

[Ellen]

Well, at least you didn't have to make the decision to drop her like a stone.

[Ellen]

P.S. I love love love my OB.

[dish]

What a shitty adventure! It sounds like incompetence is their mainstay...and I'm glad you are free of ever having to tolerate it again.

[Laurie]

Oh lordy, loads of sympathy for you. As someone who had more than her share of prenatal care angst, I truly hope you find a new & improved practitioner. Glad to hear the kids are okay.

[BrendaS]

OMG! Please tell me what midwife that was so I can make sure I cross them off my lists.

Am really glad the babies are ok.

[Kris]

Dear Lord

[Sanorah]

That is fucked up! Argh, and now you have to try to find a doctor that won’t make you wait two months to get in for an appointment! “Sending evil thought toward the midwife”. So sorry you have this mess on top of everything else!

~Sanorah

[Tertia]

What an absolute BITCH!! Poor you, how effin scary.

[cherylc]

I've heard a few "Oh my gods!" at the from medical professionals. You'd think they'd learn not to do that.

I loved my perinatologist. I had preeclampsia and it was no picnic, but my daughter is fine and lovely.