Hard Times

Hello everyone.  I'm Charlie.

First I want to thank all of you who have shared your prayers, thoughts, and good wishes for Cecily, myself, and our boys.  Your words of encouragement and support have been invaluable, and we are deeply and truly grateful for your generosity.

The events of the past 34 hours, as you may well imagine, have shaken us to the bone.  What began as a routine 22-week ultrasound for healthy mom and twins rapidly cascaded into a series of unforeseen tragedies.  I thank Sarah for keeping all of you updated as the details were revealed. 

With growing concern for Cecily's health and having received confirmation of her severe pre-eclamptic symptoms from our doctor and his colleagues, it became clear around dawn this morning that the time for difficult choices had arrived.  We were told in compassionate but firm language that keeping Cecily both alive and pregnant for the next 4-6 weeks, in hopes of reaching viability for the surviving fetus, was not a possibility.  We were also confronted with a staggering array of potential outcomes facing Cecily if we chose to attempt the impossible...ranging from liver damage and kidney failure to stroke and brain damage. 

With Cecily's health as our primary concern we reluctantly agreed to allow our doctor to terminate the pregnancy. 

* * *

Cecily emerged from the procedure this afternoon, but before I was allowed to see her I had a chance to meet with our doctor.  The idea of losing her, as well as our boys, was beyond my imagination, as was my relief when our doctor informed me that she is expected to make a full and complete recovery.  He believes that, although the specific cause of this tragedy may never be known, it was likely an isolated incident, and not predictive of future pre-eclampsia or other pregnancy-related problems for Cecily. 

* * *

I finally had a chance to see Cec, looking remarkably well, considering the circumstances.  They'd used an epidural to numb her lower body and thus avoided intubating her.  She is alert, talking, and hungry (a good sign).  Sarah printed out pages and pages of your good wishes and brought them to Cecily this afternoon.  Reading them has been perhaps the best medicine she could possibly receive at this time.

I'm sure she can convey her feelings far better than I can...and I'm sure she will when she returns home for a much needed week of R 'n' R.  As for the future, I can't say.  Grief, I have learned, is a strange beast.  And we both will need to take some time to say goodbye to our dear boys in our hearts.

Thank you all again.
-Charlie

Comments

[Maya]

I'm so so sorry. I'm just so sorry. I was really praying it would work out differently. Lean on us as much as you can.
Maya

[Lauren]

I'm glad that all our voices together were able to give some kind of support. I can't imagine your pain but your strength is admirable. I'm still here praying.

[Flaming Cheeto]

I am so, so, so sorry for your losses. Of your babies, of your dreams, and your hopes for these two boys.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Leah]

Dear Cecily and Charlie,

I just checked in for the first time in several days. Though I am relieved Cecily will be ok, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Please let me know when Cecily is well enough to go home, and is up to phone calls. In the meantime, both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, not just for the healing of your body but of your hearts as well.

All my love,
Leah

[Anna H.]

Thank you for writing to us Charlie.

You and Cecily are in my thoughts.

xxoo

[Emily]

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Sending much love your way.

[Christina]

I'm so happy to hear she will recover. Pre-E is so scary. You both are still in my thoughts and prayers...

[Moogielou]

This community is so supportive. When one of us is down, the others all come to form a protective circle around this person. Regular readers, occasional readers, lurkers. We are all here now for Cicely and for you Charlie, and will not leave our posts. We are all here for the long haul.

Again, I am so very sorry for what you both had to endure and so sorry for your losses.

[Stacey]

Thank you for updating us, Charlie.

I'm relieved that Cecily is ok and devastated because of your loss. I'm so very sorry.

I wish you both the very best at this very difficult time.

[Liz]

Thinking of you all during this time - you are in my heart.

With love,
Liz

[Evie K]

C & C,

I've been reading your blog for a very long time, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I lost my son at 27 weeks, Iknow from experience, nothing I say can help, I am just so sorry....and i hope with al;l my heart that our angel are together in heaven in peace.

Evie K

[Hols]

am new here and im so sorry for your loss. please know that i am thinking of you in this devastating time. my heart goes out to you both.

[StacyG]

You are in my prayers and thoughts as are your 2 little boys. I am so truly sorry for your loss. Like so many here I wish I knew what to say or do to make it better.

[JJ]

I don't know what to add except that you are all in my heart tonight.

[jane]

love love love to you. peace be with you both.

[Dawn]

To C & C,

Thanks to Charlie for letting us know Cec is going to be okay. Thank God this double tragedy is not a triple one. We all love this blog. I am just so happy that she is okay and I know together you two will be strong for one another as the process of healing begins. So sorry for your loss. I've been saying fuck all day. Damn universe. Give us a break. Love *Dawn*

[Lisa]

I wish I had the words to say that would make everything better. All I can say is I'm so very sorry for your loss.
~Lisa

[Moxie]

Thanks for the update, Charlie. Please tell Cecily we love her and are so glad she's alive. We're so sorry you lost your boys.

[chris]

My prayers, whatever that's worth these days, are with you and your family. Take care.

[Laurie G]

Cecily,
I've been lurking here. I found your blog after my own miscarriage and this is where I've come for comfort for many weeks now. Your humor, your heart, your tenacity, your honesty, your sobriety have helped me in ways that nothing else has. It's devestating to witness what you're now going through. I hope that in this time of utter tragedy, you receive as much from this community as you give to it.
God Bless.
Laurie

[Jennifer]

I have been reading your site for awhile now and this is my first comment. My heart hearts for you and I am just so sorry.

[laura]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm praying for your angels and hope that they are together now watching over you two as you try to recover. Take care of each other.

[alexhere]

I have been checking in all day to check on you...my tears have not stopped and I am so sad for your loss....

[Erin]

I have been reading you for some time now and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Karen]

Oh, Cecily. Oh my god.

I am stunned. I have not checked your site in a few days, in fact today is the first day I've been on. I am so, so, so sorry. I have no words, nothing except the simple fact that I am so sorry, thinking about you, and sending you all my love.

I'm so sorry.