Fuck You, 2004

It’s the end of another year, and I’ve been trying to come up with some pithy and witty post to celebrate, and I’m just not there.

How do you say goodbye to a year such as this? A year I went through a hellish IVF cycle, got pregnant, only to lose my sons at five and a half months. Followed immediately by the reelection of that small minded cowboy that’s currently running this country. I can’t think of any fond memories I want to treasure.

OK, maybe one: this was the year my best friend Sarah got engaged.

Truthfully, my life is pretty good.

I have fourteen (14!) frozen embryos left.

Charlie and I have proven that we can go through anything and stay contented and even in love.

I have a great new therapist.

But above and beyond anything else, I have the most unbelievable friends. Sarah, of course, and Jo & E (and R too!), Elise and her husband and Miss P. Even people I didn’t expect to help me have been completely supportive, like Laura, who was going through plenty of her own grief. My sponsor is wonderful. All the young and confused members of my recovery group who were so nice to me and Charlie even when usually the biggest things on their minds are lipstick shades or their next dates. The women I met on an internet infertility bulletin board, who sent me food, and asked me to stay both when I was pregnant and when I wasn’t anymore. And, last but not least, the amazing, warm, wonderful and supportive people I’ve met through this blog, like Anne in Hawaii, and Moxie, and Danae , Rainbow, and all the Kathleens and the Julie(a)s and Andreas--the whole fucking lot of you (please don’t feel bad if I didn’t mention you by name--there are so, so many of you and I can’t fit everyone here!).

I would not have survived this horrible, crushing year if I hadn’t had all of you people in my life. Thank you for saving my ass, my sanity, and my heart, even though it’s still broken.

I will miss the life I would have had with Nicholas and Zachary every day. I miss them being inside me so much; it’s like nothing, nothing I’ve ever experienced.

But I am grateful. I’m grateful that I survived, that I didn’t end up in an emergency room and lose my uterus or have seizures and lose what’s left of my brain after all those years of drinking and drugging. I’m so, so, so grateful that my sons didn’t have to suffer, that the procedure I had is still, for the moment, legal.

I’m grateful, and deeply so, that my life is full--and I mean FULL--of love. Never before in my life have I felt so loved. I owe that to all of you.

I’d like to go off into a rant about how disgusting it is that our current president is spending more on his inauguration ceremony than he’s sending in aid to the Tsunami victims, but I won’t.

Instead I’ll leave you with this one small bit of advice before I leave you all for the next week while I'm on my cruise.

Those crystal rock deodorant things are cool, but they are salt-based, so don’t, I repeat, DO NOT use them on freshly shaven armpits. Ouch.

Comments

[wavery]

Have a great cruise, melt away, and 14 is a really nice number.

[PKD]

RE: Inauguration. At least it's not all taxpayer money. I wonder how much Haliburton is donating?

It would be nice if he said, "let's tone it down a bit, and give half of this money to the tsunami victims, or use it to buy vaccinations for poor American children."

[Danae]

2004 can kiss my fat old infertile ass. I'm so glad this year is over.

Wishing you and Charlie a fabulous time on your cruise!

[BoB]

Look who's a finalist!

[Mary]

FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004 FUCK 2004

I feel better, don't you?

Have a great time on your cruise. Unless you go comepletely buck-wild, don't worry about how to pay for it until you come back. You deserve complete indulgence.

BTW Bush still sucks. And you have 14 more snow babies than I do! Count count count, love.

[virginia]

hey! I know it's a long shot, but we're going on a cruise next week too! Coral Princess? Panama Canal? Let men know!

[amy]

All the best to you and Charlie in 2005. The cruise will be the perfect way to start off the new year and leave 2004 in it's (fucking) tracks. And of course we are all going to want to hear ALL about the cruise when you get back. Never been on one so was very interesting to learn the ins and outs on your blog.

[Elise]

Here's to a much better 2005. Happy new year, guys, and have an awesome cruise! We'll see you when you get back all tan and relaxed!! Hugs from all of us!

[lisa]

Hau`oli Makahiki Hou! Have a great time on the cruise and don't forget to take lots of pictures to make us jealous.

I thought you might like to know that I donated to the Preeclampsia Foundation in memory of Nicholas and Zachary.

[Jaine]

Would it be too early to say Fuck 2005? Yeah, I thought so. I won't. It's gonna be, be...BE. We'll see or so "they" say.

I told you you were RICH (bloody, fucking filthy rich) in spirit.
(isn't the English language funny?)

IPOD tune that just came via headphones...(DH, asleep; computer in bedroom) Nobody's gonna break my stride...nobody's gonna hold me down, oh, no...
Jesus...what year is it again?

[jaine]

i just realized that hte timing is all wrong (i don't know where you are...) it's 3 Anti-meridien in Noo Yawk.

[jaine]

californ-I-A?

[Trish]

I just have a quiet happy New Year's to send to you... May 2005 bring you a much calmer year with plenty of GOOD surprises along the way...

[DMouse007]

I will restrain myself to saying that the inauguration ball is just sick. Both in terms of money and the fucktard being inaugurated.

I hope 2005 is better. Much better.

[Sandy]

HEY! You're a finalist in a Best of Blogs competition! How cool is that? Where's the voting button???

[Debe]

Have fun on your cruise!

[Anne]

Awwwa Cec, thanks. I read today's entry and it made me smile, tear-up, laugh, and even cringe (Turret via Bush syndrome) and it made me think how this year was just so wild in lots of good and bad ways (way more bad that I like to have to deal with). It's been a few years since I've had such a wild ride, seems to be true for others as well (a bit of an understatement there), can I just say that I'm so ready for a bit of smooth sailing ahead or at the very least for things to be wild but in a very uplifting positive way. Ya know if all the horoscopes are to be believed (and yeah I'm a tad bit superstitious that way) 2005 is suppose to be a really exciting and positive year, I really hope that for ALL of us that those astrologers are right.

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou! (Happy New Year)
Anne

Oh and a bit of advice - be sure to shave (or wax for that matter) your legs, pits, bikini line (whatever else) at least several hours (like 6-12) before you jump in the ocean. Can I just say I would rather go to the beach looking like some sort of hippie than experience that sort of pain again. It's a darn good thing I'm really blonde b/c I can be kinda lazy or just fail to plan ahead when it comes to hair removal and the ocean.

Have a blast on your cruse!

oh and a big shout out to Lisa - Waz up tita

[Sheri]

Cecily - You're a finalist on the Best of Blog http://www.blogmechanics.com/bob/ When do we get to see your vote button?

Have a wonderful time on your cruise.

You rock girlfriend

[tess]

enjoy your cruise, (not tom), charlie, here's to 2005.

looking forward to reading of your exploits upon your return.

as sheri says above, you rock. thank you for sharing your life with us.

[Mel]

Have a fantastic time on the cruise. It will really be the best possible present to yourselves after the year you and Charlie have had. Here's hoping that this time next year we're all writing of the good things that have happened to us in 2005 (and that idiot Bush has managed not to completely fuck up the world - he should keep thinking about the inauguration as obscene as it is, keep him out of trouble).

Take care of yourselves and indulge a bit in the Carribean.

[ginger]

(I'm a bit behind, here, but.) So long, 2004, good riddance and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

What? Everyone else likes hurricanes and tsunamis and trolls and contentious, divisive elections? Eh, you had your year, then. This one's for the rest of us.

14! Wowsa! Congrats, and say hi to the lovely warm ocean (while it's in a friendly mood) for the rest of us. And don't forget your sunscreen!

[callistawolf]

Wayyyy behind here but I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year as well. I had to laugh, I totally agree about 2004 (good riddance, bitch) and am very hopeful about the year ahead. 14 is a *fabulous* number and have a fantastic time on your cruise!

"there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.."

Counting Crows, I think. Hope it's true.

Leslie

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

You are so loverly!

[Brenda]

Along the lines of the deoderant and shaving...do not, repeat: DO NOT shave your bod the day you are planning to do anything in the ocean, say, snorkeling. I learned the hard way. Can you say "d'oh"?

Am I the only one worried about Jeb being sent to Asia as our prez' personal observer? Bastards, don't even go there!!! Setting his ass up for the next run. We gotta hold them back this time, people!

Bren