I Heart Everyone

If the Internet could hug me, my ribs would be, like, so totally crushed to jelly right now.

You guys are all awesome and so totally rock. What a powerfully supportive bunch of people you all are. You made me feel so much better.

It helped to see my therapist last night too, although I think I tired her out. When I get super raw, I become super angry, and I project out a lot of sullen, seething rage. She looked weary after my hour with her.

She had several interesting things to say, however.

She told me to practice self-comforting when I’m thinking about eating more (since I eat for comfort). To wrap myself in a big blanket (she had no helpful suggestions about what to do with the giant pitbull that believes that the couch throw is his blanket, and who the hell am I to think that I can use it) or go get Charlie to hold me for a few minutes (Sarah brilliantly said to me, “So, um, what do you do at work?” Bitch).

I’ve tried a million different things to stop myself from having “just one more bite.” I’ve called people, I’ve prayed, I’ve poured dish detergent all over whatever it was I wanted to eat. But I’ve never tried to give myself comfort instead (and all around the world, the sound of me slapping my forehead and yelling, “DOH!” ala Homer Simpson can be heard). It will be interesting to put into practice.

She suggested that I also get back in the practice of meditation. But that is a whole other post for another day.

But the most interesting thing she told me is to try to move away from the “addiction” model of treating my problems with food. She says that is not a sustainable treatment method (pointing out, gently, my obvious lack of success on that front after seven years of trying).

While I was drinking, I thought I was crazy. Seriously insane. Thoughts spun through my head like a Nascar raceway, I couldn’t sleep, and I was consumed with guilt, anger, shame, resentment, and fear. I thought I was certifiably whacko. I also thought I was a very, very bad person—because I was a thief, a liar, a slut, a terrible friend, and much, much more.

So imagine my incredible relief, when I got into recovery, to discover that all of the above was part of being an alcoholic. It wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t a bad person trying to be good, I was a sick person that needed to get well. I had a disease, and if I did the things they told me to do, I would get better and go into remission.

I did get better. I stopped lying, I stopped stealing, and I learned how to be a good friend (Charlie still calls me a slut sometimes, you know, for old times sake). So it makes sense that when I had a couple of years sober and decided to address my issues with food that I would approach it from the same place.

Alcoholics in recovery believe that when we drink alcohol, any at all, it triggers what a psychologist called “the phenomena of craving.” Meaning that once alcohol enters our systems, the switch is flipped, and we won’t stop until we pass out or die (or the money runs out—oh, what a horrible thing to have happen when you’re a drunk). This is why you’ll hear recovering alcoholics say, “It's the first drink that gets you drunk” (which seemed illogical in the extreme, when I first got sober, because I was pretty sure it was the ninth or tenth drink that did me in), and why we recovering alcoholics believe that it’s impossible for us to “just have a glass of wine with dinner.”

So if you translate that theory to food, well…it doesn’t quite fit, right? If you are a living creature on this planet, you must eat to live. So you can’t prevent triggering “the phenomena of craving” by not eating all. So how do you do it? By just eliminating specific foods or eating behaviors.

One of the recovery models I’ve tried believes that sugar and flour trigger compulsive overeating. So don’t eat sugar or flour, and you’ll be fine. Right? Maybe. But, as my therapist said, it’s not sustainable. No more birthday cake? No premenstrual chocolate? No bread, like, ever? One day at a time my ass. There are other models, like following a specific diet (grey sheet abstinence, anyone?), eating only three times a day, etc. There are as many options as there are people, frankly.

I’m mulling it over. Intellectually, I know she’s right. But the grace of believing I’m a food addict is that it absolves me of guilt and shame—again, I’m not bad or weak, I’m sick.

Her thinking is that it’s all about balance. The bane of my existence is searching for fucking BALANCE. She fully believes that we can change my behavior and I will learn to luxuriate in what I eat (of course, I thought that was what I was doing. Hmmm), instead of imbuing it with all this other shit like shame and self-loathing.

This is all hard for me to process as I prepare my list for tonight’s shopping trip for the beautiful gluttony that is Christmas dinner at my house. Eight pounds of butter? Check. Three kinds of sugar? Check. Several starches? Check. 25 lbs of various meats? Check. Yee-ha!

Comments

[the HT]

I'm struggling with these types of issues too. I lost 30 pounds at WW, then I went on Lupron for six months. (As if that's not enough to make you nuts, alone) I am up 8 pounds and I HATE IT. For the past month I have been eating emotionally...I stuff my pain through food.

Last night I read some CAL and it struck me like a lightening bolt: I'm not getting anywhere with that punishing attitude. Jenny Craig once wrote that self-love was the basis for successful weight loss, yes that's LOVE, not hatred of yourself and your body. I'll go one step further and say that self-love is the basis for ALL positive change.

It also helps me to remember that Al-anon and AA are also programs of substitution. If you take away a bad habit, you must replace it with a positive. Can you learn to knit or do something with your hands? Can you treat yourself with a massage, a hot bath or a movie as a reward for getting through something difficult? Find a non-food related alternative for every food reward you used to have. Rehearse scenarios in your mind in advance and visualize positive responses. Sounds corny, but it really works.

And the holiday meal thing is all about planning. Plan to have some lowfat treats snacks at your meal for you. It's worth the trouble to find substitutes for things you like.

Pumpkin Fluff: take 1 15-oz can Libby's Pumpkin, 1/3 cup Splenda, cinnamon, 2 cups FF Cool Whip + 1 pkg FF and sugar free pudding. Mix pumpkin + Splenda + pudding until thoroughly blended, then fold in Cool whip. Sprinkle with chopped pecans or walnuts, add a layer of FF Cool whip and chill for 2-3 hours. Voila. 4 points for the whole thing, sans nuts.

You are going to make it, Sweetie. Just take all that love that you so freely give to others and give it to yourself. You deserve the best.

And you rocked at the doctor's office the other day. Well done! Give yourself credit.

Take care.

HT

[Moxie]

Have you read Julia Ross' _The Diet Cure_? She's a therapist who started out working with alcoholics and junkies, and she noticed that when people got clean they'd gain weight because they were eating tons of sugar. Or they'd get addicted to coffee. She started working with a nutritionist, and developed this theory that the reason some people become alcoholics more easily than other do, or some people can't stop eating carbs while others can take them or leave them, is that some people's bodies are missing or low in amino acids and nutrients (because our food is produced the way it is, and because we eat diets that don't supply us with these things). So she's figured out a program to help you diagnose what your particular issues are and then use amino acid and vitamin supplements to get your basic stores up to where they should be. Then your body won't be propelling you to eat things that aren't helping you.

(I found her because I was looking for a nutritional approach to depression, and she's written a book about that, too, called _The Mood Cure_. She thinks depression, dieting, food issues, and addiction are all related, and all have to do with things that our bodies are missing. My mom started slipping my dad some of the supplements from the Mood Cure book and his mood improved dramatically within a week, so I got her other book.)

Oh, the Diet Cure book also has solutions for people who have worn out their adrenal systems by dieting compulsively or having eating disorders.

Right - you have a great therapist - I agree with what she is getting at. Abstinence models do not work with over eating. Tackling pain with comfort, reassurance and love does. (This from a committed twelve-stepper of 10 years! - Not that time counts of course...)

Consider reading Geneen Roth's "When Food is Love" - or anything else by her - it will back up what your therapist is trying to get at.

You are so talking my issues here! Keep going Cecily - you'll crack this one too, you know, your honesty and courage will see you through.

Diaphanta

[Marla]

Thanks for sharing your therapy stuff with us. I'm finding it helpful. Food has been an issue my entire life.

Regarding your last post- after one of my D&C's it took a little over 12 weeks.

[MOT]

Oh, God...food glorious food. Bane of our existence and what lets us live. I have such a bizarre relationship with food. My mother always told me I was "getting tubby" then said - "finish your dinner" of mashed potato with butter and pork chops!! When I was a cook, I ate anything and everything, just to get the energy to stay awake. That and an occasional line, when it was around...

Now, I go running whenever I can and really watch what I eat, as far as no hydrogenated fats and no corn syrup of any kind. I'm no longer a fat chick (5'3" and 180 lbs) but I'm not exactly petite (still 5'3" but 150 lbs) HOWEVER - since the C-section, I have this horrible flap of skin hanging off a flabby pot belly. Not only does this skin shake when I run, but it looks like a spare tire in most clothes. I HATE IT. I need to lose about 20 pounds before I can have a tummy tuck, or it won't look good, and I don't want liposuction - too scary and too expensive.

So, I eat ice cream and tell myself I'll go running later and skip the sugar in my coffee and feel all proud. Then I'll have three servings of rice pilaf,(it's only rice, right?) but I also ate a full portion of fish for dinner. Then I'll eat a light lunch, so I deserve that slice of pound cake at Starbucks...

My problem is I like sweets and I am greedy. How can I fight my own nature? What can I do to get over 35 years of comfort binging? How good is your therapist?

I'm a long time lurker, but I can relate to all of this food stuff. (I was recently diagnosed as a "sub-clinical non-purging binger," but that diagnosis only made me want to binge more--like it justified it as a disease, so it was okay to eat whatever, whenever.) I also use food for comfort, and I really have not found another way to comfort myself. Sugar--so warm and safe! I think the problem for me is that I'm not sure I deserve comfort--working on that one in therapy, sort of. I also found a great nutrionist to work with once I resolve some of the psychological issues. She specializes in working with people who have eating disorders or related issues, and she is totally down to earth, and was willing to work with me. (I stopped seeing her because I decided that I wasn't ready to give up binging, or to switch to "binging" on raw vegetables!) I hope to go back to her one day... Take care, Cecily--your strength and courage are an inspiration to us all.

[Debe]

I like what your therapist had to say about food. Boy, sometimes I think my eating problems are worse then my alcoholism. Then, I remember all the horrible things my drinking caused and that, other than negative body imagine, I'm so much better emotionally than before. And, you are too, you are working through your problems, not running from them and you are trying to find the right solution and that's all any of us can do.

[amy]

Cecily I cannot send the book on 'being good to yourself' but damn if you don't have some awesome commenters who are teaching me things. See? Even when at your lowest you are insipiring so many...

My advice on being good to yourself? Small steps. Very small steps to being who you were before the babies were lost to you. Lots of sleep, junky mags and books, regular dog walking FOR ENJOYMENT, and reminding yourself you are going through the worst of the worst. Being as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else who had suffered such a great loss. I can tell from your writings that you are a kind and giving person. So be kind and giving to yourself. Sleep when you want to, cry, and eat when you want to. You will not remain in this black period forever and things will be easier to manage..

When you are feeling stronger, fake it. Do more social and or active things and pretend to enjoy. Put on a happy face even if you have to go home and cry sometimes.

What you are going through cannot be easy. So you should be easy on yourself. Be as good to Cecily as you would be to anyone you love who had to go through similar. You might find yourself being a little softer on yourself. (Or so I can hope?)

[Abby]

Did you forget to add the heavy cream to your grocery list? If you did I can send you some of mine. Oh, no, I can't-we're going to need it!

I know what you mean about tiring out a therapist. I walked out on mine in the middle of a session about 2 weeks ago. On the other hand, not having to deal w/me for 20 more minutes might actually have been restful! Only time that I've ever done that in 6+ years of seeing her, but clearly there's a first time for everything.

[unexplained]

That wrapping yourself in a blanket is a GREAT idea - one of my classmates in my master's program called that the Thesis Burrito - she'd go home, wrap a blanket all around her head to foot, and veg on the couch, perhaps with a cup of tea. And maybe a foot massager... Thank you for reminding me of it - I need to start doing that again - I'll call it the Junior Faculty Burrito instead . Or, it could have different names for different occasions, yeah, that's it - the Barren Bitch Burrito, the Bad Body Image Burrito.... Okay, that's my asthma medication talking - I'll stop babbling now and hope I've at least made someone smile :).

[jaine]

I like your therapist's notion of comforting but besides the big blanket idea, did she give you anything else? (and btw...you know I have two CKCS...they take up a whole California King bed and a couch. God forbid, I want to sprawl out! I can't imagine having Hammer on there! And I still want two more!) I think you need something more tangible as in, the second you think of over-eating, go outside for a walk, take the dog with you as in you're doing him good, too. Mabye... Gag...this sounds stupid. After all my years with food related problems and tons of therapists until I found the right one, you would think I have something to really offer. Or...how about (stupid again) everytime the urge hits...get on your blog and type till you can't type anymore letting the pain subside? I know I'll be here to read and listen...(and I wouldn't care how "boring," or how self-loathing it sounds 'cause you don't loathe yourself or you wouldn't be getting the help you need. (I also know that last comment is not as reductive as it sounds -- I just can't get it out right now and I'm sorry I'm commenting. You know, that's the second time today I've used that word...reductive)

[jane]

You are brave and smart and kind. Thank you for sharing all your stuff. I hope the thoughts sent your way from the internet comfort you , hope you can feel the warmth of their hands carrying you when you are feeling low. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Sarah L]

Cecily,
Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I think I may have been in my cave...

A few years ago I was really struggling, dealing with my early abandonment issues and I could hardly function, especially at work. My therapist suggested I get a blanket or a shawl to keep at my desk to I could 'swaddle' myself and get a concrete sense of containment so I wouldn't 'auto fragment'. Yesterday, I sensed that something was goin' down with one of my clients and I decided to wear my shawl. Most of the time people say "you are wearing your blankie' and I correct them, but yesterday, it was 100% a blankie.

I struggle with emotional eating too--in addition to the abandonment issues I also had failure to thrive. Shit, I sound like a freaking mess! So food issues are, shall we say, kind of primative for me. Compassion for myself, rather than punishing myself, has been the key to keeping my weight within a 10 pound range (that is the best I can do). When I was first working with this notion of compassion instead of punishment, the song "This little light of mine" , sung slowly in a gospel style by Kathleeen Battle, was what got me through. My compulsive eating was a way to put a cover on my self, my spirt. If what was called for was to feel (anger, sadness, sometimes even joy) I needed to cover it over with food because it was intolerable. As I learned to tolerate these feelings (with the help of my AWESOME therapist), I no longer unconsiously reached for food to distract me from my feelings. Sometimes I did reach for food, but I kept my awareness on the feeling I was trying not to feel. Did that make any sense? I think it was sort of like mindfulness--experienceing, not judging, investigating and being with the feelings.

You have done so much, so much, to heal yourself. I have confidence that you will find a way to compassionatly care for you body and soul.

Take care,
Sarah

[Anne]

So is it really bad of me that the first thing that came to mind when I read “self comforting” was umm like you know ……so I’m the only perv out here, that’s ok. Actually I think your therapist sounds fantastic, although I don’t usually (key word here being usually because I do it on occasion) eat for comfort I do usually eat out of boredom, stress, and frustration and I think I going to try the self comforting approach. You know try to determine what it is that I’m really looking for when I’m reaching for food and try to replace the food with what I really want.