Oh Happy Day--NOT

It came back to me today--the sadness, the hopelessness, all of it. I thought I was fine; after the nightmare at the doctor’s office yesterday, I enjoyed the rest of my day. Went to my meeting, met up with good friends who helped us celebrate.

But I should have known all was not quite well this week when I couldn’t make myself go to the gym on Monday, and then I ate some Pringles and Jelly Belly’s (it was just the little snack size of Pringles, but still) instead. And then there was the outburst of tears at the doctor’s office.

Then today I forgot my gym clothes at home, and considered just skipping it again. But I called Charlie and he brought them to me, so I no longer had that excuse.

But then the student that was working with me offered to get Falafel from the really good cart, so of course I agreed. Then I couldn’t go to the gym because I’d just eaten, so I decided to read blogs instead.

There is so much happy news in infertile blogland these days, although there are still many scary hurdles for people to cross. Reading about Julie’s scare with Charlie nearly did me in; the photo of Charlie taking his first-bottle-ever really did do me in.

I couldn’t be happier for her—although I wish she wasn’t dealing with a premature son and the nightmare of the NICU—but god damn it, it’s just so fucking hard.

So fucking hard.

Now that I’m healing--and I am healing--my pain comes out sideways. For a while after reading everyone’s updates, I seriously considered just hiding behind a novel and letting my student deal with the customers today (novels are a great place to hide—and the fabulous Pam sent me some more good ones—thanks Pam!). But I didn’t. I dragged my sorry ass to the gym.

And it sucked.

I did exactly the same workout I did last Friday. On Friday, I felt awesome—energized, hopeful, proud.

Today I felt fat. Stupid. Hideous. Pathetic.

I did my workout with all the enthusiasm someone on death row exhibits as they walk to the electric chair. I stared at my flabby body in the mirrors with disgust. I weighed myself and found, to my joy, that I’d gained four pounds. The whole time I was working out I said to myself, “Of course you gained. You ate mozzarella sticks. And chocolate bread pudding.” Not a particularly effective affirmation.

Last week my therapist asked me why I wanted to lose weight and get back to monitoring my eating so soon after losing my boys. “What’s your hurry?” she said.

Part of my hurry is my natural tendency to want to just get down to business. My head says, “OK! Well, you lost those kiddos. Time to move on, get back in shape, lose the weight and then we’ll try again. Ready? Hut, two three, hut two three…” I’ve gotten frustrated with myself in this last eight weeks (it’s only been! eight! weeks!) because when I get sad or angry, there is no doubt that popcorn and chocolate help. But that “down to business” part of myself gets disgusted when I indulge.

The other thing, the thing I don’t think I realized clearly until today, is that when I eat badly (for more than one meal—I can always forgive one meal), I feel like fucking shit. And because my grief is coming out all ass-backwards, instead of feeling sad about the loss of my sons, I start in with the bad body image and the self hatred (even typing that I find myself thinking “Dude, you don’t have a bad body image, you have a bad fucking body!).

The most frustrating thing about all of this shit it that when I feel bad about overeating, what do I want to do most? EAT! I want to eat fucking everything! If the Trojan Horse rolled up right now, I’d gnaw it down to toothpicks.

Fuck.

Good thing I have therapy in about two hours, huh?

Sarah just called to see if I was ok and I couldn't even talk to her. Ug. I hate it when I get like that-- un-cheer-upable.

Maybe this is all hormonal, again and still. Tell me—those of you who’ve miscarried, had D & C’s or D & E’s—how long did it take before you got your first period? Cause today is eight weeks. And it’s nowhere in sight.

I just know it’s going to come on the cruise. Bastard.

Comments

[Vaughn]

I'm on miscarriage number three (sounds *like some awful drug, and it is). Until you put it into words I couldn't really describe how I was feeling. My "pain comes out sideways" a lot. And I laughed out loud at the "Dude, you don’t have a bad body image, you have a bad fucking body!"

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm told that having good days amoungst the bad is the best sign there is, so don't beat yourself up about the bad. As Churchill once said "if you are going through hell, keep going."

[Lisa]

I always had one by the second month- so I was somewhere in your range 6 to 10 weeks? I know it took longer with the baby I lost at 20 weeks than the earlier miscarriages.

Part of it is hormones still I am sure. Plus hearing about babies just a few weeks further along than yours has got to kill you. Cecily, I think of you when I read some of these blogs, I don't know how you can help it yourself.

I know eventually you will be a mom, but I know eventually is taking it's sweet fucking time too.

You know my sister is an alcoholic. She hasn't been triumphant in the struggle yet. She has been trying to recover for 4 years now. Sometimes I look at you and wish she could somehow get just an ounce of your strength to carry her into sobriety.

You are an amazing person who has overcome so much, too much, you will overcome this too. Be patient with yourself. I don't think it's kick yourself in the ass time yet. If you can move on yet, you can't. You will, when its not forced, when it' natural and feels right. You will then start living phase 2 or 5 or whatever it turns out to be.

[Kinneret]

First of all *hugs*.

It's been nearly 3 weeks for me and nothing - of course, that's dependent on HCG levels. Have you had yours checked? You won't get a period till it's 0. Mine was 116 last week and I go in tomorrow morning, oh joy.

I heart you, sistah. You said: "The most frustrating thing about all of this shit it that when I feel bad about overeating, what do I want to do most? EAT! " I was just thinking that same thing today. *sigh*. It's a terrible catch-22, isn't it?

One day at a time. Don't deprive yourself, just try smaller portions of the treats you crave. Don't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon, just crawl back on.

Grief manifests in so many em-effing ways - so sorry you're having a rough go of it.

[RainbowW]

you.

sound.

perfectly.

normal.

what you feel is okay, normal, perhaps even healthy. in time you will be able to move on and go back to being the weight-losing, baby-making demon that you want to be. just not today.

in the meantime, you might want to talk to your unblinking therapist about strategies used to forgive yourself.

and in the meantime, keep up the routine that's worked for 9 years. even if it doesn't seem like it's working. i know in my life that when i let that slip, everything goes to shit. when everything goes to shit and that doesn't slip, life is still okay. funny how that works.

[Kristine]

My first m/c was at 16 weeks but they didn't do a D&C for two months after (yeah- fucked up, I know). Even after though, it was some pretty rollercoaster emotions. And it's hard to sort out what's hormonal and what's normal grieving.
While I recognize myself in your words about "getting on with it" regarding your zeal to get in shape, I have to agree with your therapist- maybe you should cut yourself some slack. Easier said than done, though, isn't it?

[unexplained]

Oh, Cec - is there any way Dr. Mama can give you BCP's or something so that you can avoid having your period on the cruise? That would just be the ultimate insult, I think. Hopefully all that bloodwork hassle will give you useful information, too, so you wouldn't have to go sit through there again.

I'll be praying for you and Charlie. Last night I attended a Mass of Comfort, for people who had losses that make the holidays hard. I cried my head off the whole time and realized the futility of trying to set time boundaries for grief. So do what you need to do, and try not to beat yourself up for it. You had something awful happen to you, and you're doing the best you can.

Love from freezing (and snowless) Kansas!

[Karyn]

I haven't miscarried, so I can't comment directly on that. But I wish it hadn't happened. Because it's not fair. For anyone.

But I am fat. And infertile. My husband is infertile too. So miscarriages aren't my area.

Now fat and hormones, they my area.

Hormones are fucked, and for me they do this strange thing. They change the way I think, view the world and process information.

When they coursing through my veins, everything feels real, no matter how petty, small, big, important, stupid or amazing.

One day will gym bunny fun, the next will be a black dog of hate and loathing and pity.

The only thing I can do is ride it out. Even though I never know until after that it was all the hormones making me CRAZY...

Because one day the hormone tide will turn and your body will be all juiced ready for a baby...and then you'll be happy you rode it out, doing the best you can with what you have at the time.

That's all anyone can do.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

much love, Karyn.

[grumpygirl]

cecily, don't beat yourself up. this dieting while depressed thing is really counter-productive (and i know it, because i do it...) when we're unhappy and food makes us happy and we deny ourselves that we feel shittier.

the thing that makes me nuts is that i know for a FACT (ok, almost) that chocolate has opiate-like qualities that are going to raise my mood. chocolate really, supposedly, does make you feel better? how can i argue with that? and then i try to pull my jeans over my thighs...

[Melanie]

Hug.

[Jodi]

My therapist has always told me that for every two steps you take forward, you will take one step back. This is all part of the grief process.

What you are going through sounds normal. At least you made it to the gym. You are an extremely strong individual.

By the way, I got my period 6 weeks after my D & C. Maybe your doctor can prescribe something to hurry it up?

[amy]

Lisa said it well, take it easy and be patient with yourself...

[maya]

I just want to say I'm thinking about you and (this sounds dumb, but) I love you! Try not to beat yourself up.
Maya

[beth]

delurking to say: i have been reading your blog from the beginning for the past week or so. i first came in just after your loss (unfortunately it was because of the uproar over holly, and everyone was linking...wish it could have been under more positive circumstances).

yours is an amazing story. i don't think i could have gone through what you've gone through just in the past several months, let alone in the past several YEARS, and lived. seriously. if i were in your position, I'd still be stuck on MY mother--from what I've read anyway--let alone wanting to be someone ELSE'S. Especially when it's such a grueling struggle to even get there.

i know telling you to take it easy is pointless. but i hope it's some small comfort to you to know that there are complete strangers out here who admire you and look up to you for your unremitting strength and unshakeable courage.

[Sandy]

My experience is that everyone deals and heals differently. For me, I was almost 9 weeks after my miscarriage (at 21 wks) before a real period. This was two years ago, and truthfully? I still have major down days, although much farther apart and with less frequency. I'm still carrying all the pregnancy weight, although it's hardly fair to count it as pregnancy weight any longer. Might have something to do with the emotional stuffing I do using food ... just a guess (smart eh?). But I am going to the gym regularly now, and that's a bazillion light years away from where I was. And I'm eating salads for lunch instead of grease. Another light year. I don't have any advice - just hoping you'll give yourself whatever you need to recover on your timetable - whatever that might be.

[Sarah]

Cec, you know I love you endlessly. I love you unconditionally. I love you even if you don't want to talk on the phone.

I cannot know the pain you are feeling, but I do know this: you are a woman of profound grace, even when the journey sometimes isn't so graceful.

More than anything I wish I could take even some of this pain from you. More than anything I want for you and Charlie to not have to suffer anymore.

All I can do is be here, being your friend and loving you.

[carmie]

aw :( *hug*

i miscarried at 14 weeks, didn't have a d&c. however, i also bled -heavily- for ten weeks straight after passing the baby. it got to the point that i switched ob-gyns because the one i was going to said it was perfectly normal to be passing out and unable to walk a couple steps without being dizzy. "take some iron!" whatever.

the ob-gyn i switched to told me to start taking the pill, and about three days afterwards, all that bleeding just dried up.

about 5 weeks after i started the pill, i had a sort of normal period.

reading your blog has brought back a lot of memories for me. all i can tell you is, it does get better. life feels a little more sane, and the depression will ease with time. i can't promise you that you'll ever stop hurting about your loss - but it will get easier to live with.

in the meantime, i'm sorry that you're going through this. please feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.

[amy]

I have had periods of depression in the past and to be honest with you, some days if I just got through I was doing well. I am amazed at how fast you got back up, in your shoes I think I would have spent a few weeks in bed being miserable... and justifiably so.
I guess what I am trying to say is don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing incredible, work on getting out of the dark days before worrying about your body. Just be good to you, ok?

[Journeywoman]

You are perfectly within your rights to whine. You are within your rights to eat. Grieving is normal and no one NO ONE can tell you how to grieve.

I wish I could say something that would make things okay.

I just want you to know that I'll be praying for you this Christmas.

[ShayneeGray]

My heart goes out to you. I had a D&C a little over a year ago, and two months passed before I had a period. My Dr. suggested that if it hadn't appeared after two months, I should come it for some tests to confirm that my hormone levels had returned to the range of normal. But then on the literal last day of its probation, my body saw fit to kick into gear. I wish you strength and peace during this difficult time.

[Tertia]

Totally normal and understandable.

I remember, I also just wanted every thing to hurry the fuck up. I wanted to be better, not sad, not bleeding and busy cycling as soon as possible. You just want this shit over with and the thought of being sad forever terrifies you.

Ok, so here's the truth. I bled for at least 8 weeks, after the loss of my boys plus after a previous loss with D&C. What i found really helped was going on the pill, it seemed to remind my body that it is supposed to have a cycle that doesn't include bleeding every day.

Then the mourning part. My dear friend, I will mourn, still today, but not so intensely, I can pack it away.

I remember people telling me when I was where you are "its too early, give yourself time" and i wanted to punch them. Cos I just wanted it over. But 8 weeks is still very new, very raw.

Has your therapist spoken about AD's? I found mine helped.

Give yourself and break and try your best not to eat the junk food, it will just make you feel worse. Even though you might feel your body betrayed you and doesn't deserve to be treated with respect, you still need the stubborn bugger for next time, so be nice to it for a while, you can kick it up the butt afterwards.

Txx

[StacyG]

Cec: I am sending prayers your way.

I have stopped reading some of the blogs with happy news. I have not been through what you have, not even close, but reading those blogs makes me feel crappy about myself...like whats wrong with me and what did I do wrong. I read them maybe once a week, if its a good week. Call it selfish or jealously or whatever. I call it self preservation.

[chris]

For me, it usually takes about 6 - 7 weeks. It might take a little longer for you--you were pretty far along.

Take care. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Jo-Ann]

I love you Cecily

I am here for whatever you need

Love

Jo-Ann

[Stacey]

Oh Cec. I'm sorry you feel this way.

Don't you wish there was a switch in the brain, someway to shut off these feelings? the memories? I know I do.

Unfortunately the brain doesn't work that way, no matter how hard you want it to. Maybe your therapist is right, maybe not. All I know is that you'll do what's right for you when YOU feel ready. And if that's not right now, it's ok....y'know?

Merry Christmas hun. I hope 2005 opens some clouds for you.

[ValleyGal]

Seven weeks and five weeks. Call your doctor. They can help you not have your period on the cruise, either with BCP or with Provera (i.e., making it come N-O-W).

As for the emotional rollercoaster, it sounds pretty freaking normal (if not scarily familiar) to me. I was that way after both of my miscarriages. Disturbingly well-adjusted and normal followed by wallowing in the bed doing nothing but eating not-normal.

All I can tell you is that this too will pass. And that the Internet will be happy to listen until it does.