A No Good Very Bad Awful Day

Dear God,

I really don’t know how to talk to you anymore, but I’ve been told that I should try.

Today I found myself with that familiar tightness in my chest (it’s no wonder they call it heart break) as I was struggling to identify to others how I’ve been feeling. We were all talking about communication--with others, with ourselves--and I realized how long it’s been since I really sat and listened to myself.

It’s because I know what I’ll hear. I’m a discordant medley of pain; grief, anger, fear and disappointment are all at war in my battered and bruised heart. Sure, I’ve been getting up every day and going to work or meetings or seeing friends. But that is all right here, right under the surface. When you scratch me, I hemorrhage agony.

I hadn’t realized how much I’d built up the walls again. Sometimes I feel like the walls are a good thing, a great thing, the only thing keeping me sane and safe. Because I never feel safe.

Ever since you took the boys from me, I’ve been holding on tight. I don’t want to lose anything more. Sometimes when I get this way I find it safer to reject new things rather than lose anything again. Last night someone called me, someone newly sober who wants my help, my friendship, and I could barely speak to her because I’m on emotional lockdown.

And food, the goddamn issues with food. Why couldn’t you have made me anorexic? Maybe not all the time, but at least when I’m sad and angry. Why couldn’t I be someone that finds myself without an appetite instead of being fucking ravenous all the time? While brownies or popcorn may seem to help, they are actually poison for me. Poison.

Part of me feels just too drained, too empty to be able to offer anything to anyone else. I’ve been told by those wiser than me that when I feel that way it’s because I’ve not been taking care of myself. Not making sure my own needs are met.

A friend told me today to go home and be good to myself. I am so disconnected from everything that I told her I didn’t know how to do that. She told me to do my nails, go for a walk in the beautiful snow. And to pray. She said that’s how you do it.

I’m so scared to crack the cement around my heart and trust you again.

That same friend said I should sit still. Let you come to me. How do I do that? Why would I let you back into my heart when you treated me so badly? How could you abandon me that way?

I’m angry to find myself here. I know it’s only been two and a half months--only a little less than half the time I was pregnant. I thought I was feeling so much better. I was wrong.

This letter to you is only an exercise, an attempt to make contact. But be careful if you show up. I can scream, and scream loud, and I have some things to say to you. If you were standing before me, I’d hit you. I want to tell you to go away, to leave me alone. When I listen to myself, all I hear is screaming.

In truth, I want to beg you to stay. Because even with my beloved standing here with me, my amazing friends, my internet support team--I have never felt so fucking alone.

So stay here, you bastard. Stay here and make this better. Because it hurts so goddamned much.

Comments

[DMouse]

1.

Cecily, you are in my thoughts.

I hope find you find peace in reconnecting with God.

[Journeywoman]

2.

Sometimes I take comfort in Dar Willams' view of God.

"God looks like a guidance counselor, God's got that smile.
God says, "How could this be? That's really odd.
You know I'll have to check my records. Silly me, you know I'm only God"

Sometimes I don't take comfort in anything.

Just wanted you to know that I'm with you in spirt, and cheering you on. No matter what.

[lorrie]

3.

I don't know what is worse.

To not believe in God, and have no hope, knowing that cruel and random things will happen to us any time, any day.

Or to believe in God and wonder why Someone could sit back smoking a cigarette and LET things happen to us. If you love us so much, God, then WHY?

Would YOU let your worst enemy suffer the way God has let you? Of course not. And yet we are the horrible sinners, and God is perfect.

Let me know when you get some answers, I'm still looking.

[Sarah]

4.

Dear Cecily,

I love you more than words could ever fully express. I hate that you are in pain and that I cannot do anything to make it better.

Just know I am here for you, always.

Love,
Sarah

[Sherry]

5.

I'm so, so sorry you're feeling this way, Cecily. I can't even imagine where you are right now, but I know it sucks more than anyone will ever know.

I've been following your story in the shadows over the last few months, and there's one thing I've noticed and want you to know...You're as strong as they get, my friend. I know you'll make it.

[Debe]

6.

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt you've had to go through. I have no answers only love for you (yep, I've come to love you)

[Cat]

7.

I'm so so sorry for the no good very bad awful day. I also want to say that I think the ups and downs are normal. To feel okay one day, then crash the next. It's part of the process. I think the goal is for the good days to slowly increase until they outnumber the bad ones. If I believed in god I would pray for you, but since I don't I am just sending good karma your way and thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

[karla]

8.

I am so sorry you are having a rotten day. If I could I would come all the way from Georgia and give you the biggest hug. You are in my thoughts.

[The Good Rachel]

9.

Cecily,

Your post makes my eyes well with tears and my heart hurt for you. I am so very very sorry for your terrible losses and your grief. I have nothing to offer that will make you feel better. Please just know that your heart is not crying alone tonight, and there are a great number of people out here with you in their thoughts.

[Ellen]

10.

Oh, hon. I wish I had something wise and helpful to say. I'm so sorry you're having one of those days when it - when the distance we've put between ourselves and pain - all crashes down. I agree that it can help greatly to be still in yourself - to walk outside and look at the stars, just to listen to yourself and God (where you really might hear something you don't expect - I find that the assumption that the pain will come is often lots worse than what I do find).
I don't think you should worry about your desire to smack God around, btw. Do you read the psalms? Most of the ones that aren't singing praises are calling Him an dirty rotten SOB. You're in pretty impressive theological company, if that matters in the slightest. ;)

[wavery]

11.

Oh hon,
It's such hard work. But scream away. You've got to process all of it, each piece. I've got room on my couch anytime.

[penelope]

12.

Don't forget to breathe - unclench your jaw and inhale deeply - through your nose. It might make you feel like crying -- but your post made me worry that you're hardly daring to breathe at this point. I'm so sorry. Some days taking a few good breaths is the only way we can be good to ourselves.

[Danae]

13.

Being agnostic, I can't help much with the God thing (Why must there be so much suffering? Is there a point to any of this? Your guess is as good as mine.) but I really do hope you're able to find peace in your heart again. And soon. Thinking of you.

[Suz]

14.

I'm so sorry, Cecily. I hear your anger and pain and I'm so sorry.

[Lauren]

15.

It blows my mind that you can even get out of bed and write.
The strength you show us is incredible.
I wish there was a way that a girl can help another girl in a situation like this. Coming to your blog will have to be that way.
I'll be here tomorrow and the day after that.

[Joanne]

16.

I'm so very sorry.

[Bugsy]

17.

Aha - (Bugsy nodds head). I so understand. When I lost my parents, one after the other to cancer, I hated God. I hated him so much that if he had materialised he would have copped it from me big time. Over the years I have wavered back and forth between trying to let him in, and pushing him far away. It sucks.

Although we are all here with you, only you can go through all this and that really sucks big time. We so wish we could take some of that pain off of you.

I guess there really is nothing I can say to help. Just that I understand a bit, and am thinking of you.

Take care hun.

[Kinneret]

18.

I know we've never met but I'm here if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on.

I hope your pain lessens with time and you find peace, Cecily. You're in my heart.

[Sandy]

19.

This is an awesome letter Cecily. Having the walls up has been a way of life for me, and I know how much it hurts to have them up. I'm so proud of you for having written this letter. I pray that your walls have a little crack in them after having written it.

[Dana]

20.

oh honey....I love you. what an amazing letter.

thinking of you.

[Moxie]

21.

I'm so sorry, Cec.

Rage away. God can take it.

[jaine]

22.

anorexia is just as painful a battle with it's very own horribly quasi-unique demons. you don't want to be suffering from any ED (none are better or easier) -- they're like controlling inncubi and you're really in stereotypical hell.

i am so sorry that you're in all this internal, emotional turmoil. i can't help but steal/vote with moxie since i can read her comment directly above mine...rage away...get it out...if there is a god, (who i question all the time despite being spiritual) i believe she can alleviate...not fix everything...but help alleviate.

i hope hammer bathes your face with sloppy kisses...the dogs always help me...

much love, dear cecily.

[Menita]

23.

Oh Cecily. I am so sorry.
I'm thinking of you - not knowing what to do, but thinking of you.
With Moxie: rage away.
I wish time could go faster so you could heal just a little. I am so sorry.

[Emily]

24.

I'm so sorry Cecily. I'm thinking of you...and listening.

[evieballerina]

25.

I think you should scream at Him. Give Him all you've got. Scream long and loud. Use variations of "fuck" liberally. He'll take it. He won't leave.

[alex]

26.

I do not have any answers as to why he should be let in. That healing roller coaster is a ride I am not sure I get but just deal with everyday...I really do not believe that anyone could ever forgive God completely for what you have been through.

Youe honesty with your feelings is probably the only thing that a person can actively do and you have that covered quite well. Sending you some love...

[Em]

27.

Dear Cecily,
Trust your friend. Pray to God, then be still and listen to God. God hurts when you hurt, let him comfort you,lean on Him for a while.
All the best to you. May you feel stronger soon.
Em.

[Jean]

28.

I don't know about the God question but I do know about walls and a long time ago I felt a pain a bit like yours, it doesn't go, you learn to deal with it and maybe the edges blurr slightly. I wish I could be more help, just to say that you need more time and that there are lots of ears here for you. Take care

[Monica]

29.

I'm so sorry, Cecily. I wish we could all take on some of your pain so it wasn't so unbearable. Please know we're all here silently trying to surround you with love.

[Catherine]

30.

Fuck God. Tell him to go fuck himself. You're a rock star - rely on yourself right now because that's what you know. When you're better and you feel like reaching out to some fucking higher power, if there is one, he'll be there then.

Use the walls and the anger - embrace your defense mechanisms. You built them beautifully strong and complex and wonderful your whole life and there's no reason not to let them save your life right now. When the pain isn't still able to split you right down the middle, you can do all the fucking God and surrender and turning-over-your-will bullshit then.

Clearly, this isn't the conventional program wisdom, but I frankly don't believe all that other new-age crystal crap will work all the time. I KNOW that becoming Rambo, strapping on the ammo, shutting yourself down and off and getting up every day because, fuck them, I'll show them...THAT works. I've done it my whole life and I'm sure you have too. You're a strong bitch - be that right now.

My rage and strength and sick sense of humor to you right now. My compassion whenever you want it.

Catherine

[Ellen]

31.

I wish there was something profound I could say...but frankly, I'm not very good at that. So I'll just say a few simple things: I am praying for you. I am sorry things are so rough. God loves you just as much when you are raging at Him, as when you are praising Him, so in the words of Moxie, "rage away."

We all love you lots.

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

32.

Cecily - my heart aches for you. Know that what you are feeling is a sign that you ARE moving through your grief. I am praying for you.

[Just a thought]

33.

The devil said to God if you let me take away his possessions I bet he will curse you (paraphrase) so Satan took Job's children, wife, land, all the things he had grown to love even gave him boils all over his body...everything gone in the wink of an eye. Not all of us possess Job's strength but I think we could all learn something from him don't you think get out your Bible and read the book of Job and the Psalms of David. I carry this poem on my keychain the "Footprint" poem my fave part says "I love you and I would never leave you. During the times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you."

[Molly]

34.

Dearest Cecily,

It pained me to see that you had written, "Ever since you took the boys from me . . . " Perhaps I'm a bit too untraditional, but I can not believe that a loving God would do something to cause anyone as much pain. God mourns along with you, Cecily. God mourns as much as any mother (including you) would at the loss of a child.

There are no answers to why these horrible things happened to you. Just know that there is a side of God that understands and would like nothing more than to give you back your sons.

I'm thinking of you.

[Shandra]

35.

I've been reading a while but am just now delurking. So hi.

I lost my daughter this March to a cord accident and I sympathize so much. A book that really helped me with this, a little, was When Bad Things Happen to Good People - by a rabbi who also lost a son. Not sure why that book was the one that got through, but it helped.

I screamed. I think God can handle it, whoever she/he is.

[Leah]

36.

Wishing you a better day today, hon. Wish I could take some of that pain for you too.

[Sarah]

37.

I'm with Moxie--Don't protect God from your rage. If it doesn't go out the front, it goes out sideways. You
Sarah L

[Sheri]

38.

I'm so sorry.

I'm praying for you and thinking of you.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

39.

I am thinking of you Cec. God pisses me off a lot too. I still ask him why everyday, but the fact that I am even speaking to him shows something right?

[susannah]

40.

cecily,

i'm so sorry. you will be in my thoughts. take care of yourself as much as you can.

[Leslie]

41.

I sorta feel the same way about God. If he really loves us, why does he allow such suffering? Why doesn't he smite the evil and reward the good?

And I got roped into teaching Sunday school classes to second graders and I feel like a big fat fraud!

My dear, in the time I've been reading your blog, I've been impressed with your intelligence, your humor and honesty, and your courage and resilience in the face of incredible sadness.

Please take comfort in the knowledge that even someone who doesn't know you is praying for you and Charlie, and wishing you both well.

And hey, I also pick up strays and bring them home. It's how we got OUR dog.

[grumpygirl]

42.

cecily, i'm an atheist, but wasn't always. there have been times in my life when i've been agnostic, and tried really hard to believe. the last time i ended up tragically disappointed. i sat down and wrote a nasty, venomous letter to god, and then screamed at him at the the top of my lungs. pretty much after that, i stopped believing.

i wish i could believe, but it might ease some of my own suffering. but i have to believe that if there is a god, you can scream at him as much as you want to.

[Jill]

43.

God understands your pain. He also lost a son.

Lots of prayers for you today.

[parodie]

44.

Hey,
I've been following your blog since you lost your boys, and I wish there was something I could do....
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I find churches can be a very pleasant place to sit and just be still - perhaps there's one near your house or your work where you could go sit for a while. */assvice*
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much pain (and are still going through it) - I am also impressed by your strength.
Do listen to your friend, she has good ideas.
*hugs*
parodie

[Mandy]

45.

Cecily,
I wish there were words I could give you that would ease the pain. Instead, all I can do is tell you that I'm listening, I am so sorry, and you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

God can take what you have to say, so don't stop talking sweetie.

[Jo-Ann]

46.

If I could take one ounce of your pain away I would. I cannot but I can tell you how much I love and respect you.

Jo-Ann

[Carrie Jo]

47.

Knowing or not knowing God is a very personal journey. Everybody has a slightly different relationship with Her/Him. I have written many a letter to God asking why, or expressing anger or showing gratitude. My gratitude was usually for allowing me to have insights as to why things in my life happened they way they did. There were many times I didn't like the answer. At all. And I hated to admit when they were right. But remember we were given free will, wether by God or not. The state of our planet today is what humans collectively have done with that free will. It is up to humans to fix it. Our bodies have never been perfect since as long as anyone can remember. To me that says God isn't perfect or our bodies would never get cancer or other health problems. To me that says God isn't perfect because they isn't such a thing. I'd be willing to bet that if God exists He/She is still learning right along with us. This was probably not as comforting as I had hoped when I started out but these ideas have always been strangely comforting to me. I hope you continue to heal, however long it takes. It is a long process that will sometimes seem to be going backwards. Go ahead and be mad at God. We are all gods creating our physical reality together. There's nothing wrong with being mad at the result. Acceptance happens when you are able to accept ALL of the emotions you feel about what has happened. Especially including the rage. Fuck You God! Fuck You Universe! Fuck Me! This sucks! I hate it all! Throw things if you have to. (It's better to throw stuff that won't break or cause something else to break cuz you'll regreat it later [unless of course you don't about the thing that is being broken]). Don't let anyone , especially YOU, make you feel about about whatever emotion you're feeling. You unfortunately won't ever get over it but you will get through it.

[Julie]

48.

Oh Cecily,I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to ease you pain. Please know you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. I wish you peace my friend.

[Cris]

49.

Cecily:
My heart is breaking for you. I hope that you are able to find the peace that you truly deserve. I am sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I will be praying for you.

[Leah]

50.

Cecily,
In your latest blog entry you talked about a book...You should write a book! The way you just wrote this letter to God, blew me out of the water. I could actually see you kicking God's ass. I hope He does find you and somehow make 'living' a bit easier for you. When your done with Him, send him my way, ok!

[Meg]

51.

Oh, Cecily.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better since you wrote this.

Though it is kind of cheezy, I remember that when I lost my first pregnancy, my aunt said that she imagined it must be like being a tree that has been cut deeply. The tree can survive by growing around the wound and making that spot a knot of both strength and vulnerability.

Being 'good to myself' is hard for me too (hard for a lot of us, I think). Long walks (particularly in the snow, if you can beleive it), long baths, and good books help me. So does singing really, really loud. Songs with long long drawn out notes that make my voice catch so that I can't stop myself from crying. And I keep on crying while I sing. Sometimes its opera, sometimes it's Ani DiFranco, but it always helps.

Also, something I started doing when my dad died (I was 8 years old) was singing journal entries/prayers. Just making up the tune as I went along. I remember a particularly long prayer/song that I sang while sitting at the end of a dock as my 10 year old self tried to sort out what I thought of my Mom dating someone new. I still do this, though it's hard if you live in a big city. Mind you I lived in Manhattan when I miscarried, and so many people are loopy on the A train that I used to sing to myself on the platform as the trains rushed in and out.

What a long post, when what I really want to say is just that I hear you, and it's really fucking hard what you are going through, but like someone said above, all I can promise to do is listen. I'll be here every day.

[Lioness]

52.

I am so sorry. I hope you find good strength soon.

[Marla]

53.

Well, my opinion is that God doesn't take our children away from us. A loving God would never kill babies, create natural disasters or comeup with dealdy disease such as cancer. I wouldn't believe in God if that were true. Shit just happens, it's part of evolution. S/he is there for us to give us the strength to go on. The courage to wake up one more day and put our feet on the carpet. And sit. Then move again. When we're ready. When we ask.

[L]

54.

god does suck. if he were standing in front of me right now I would kick his ass.

[Sonia]

55.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Cecily - it is helping ME deal with my disappointment in God acutally, knowing that I am not alone. I had a really hard time coping with my feelings toward God these couple of years - I prayed to him in my moment of despair and He listened to my prayer, but in the most cynical and hurtful way, that I wished I had never prayed to him. It felt like he wanted to hurt me and laugh at my misfortune by making the situation so much worse for me while still listening to my prayer. It was as if I asked him to save my tree - and so he left that one tree alive but burned off the rest of my forest just so that I could save water for that one tree. I tell myself God did not do this, but it is really hard to accept it BECAUSE I prayed so hard about it. Two related incidents, prayers all answered in irony. How thoughtless God was towards my prayers...was he mocking my pain, is that what it was?

Despite all this I don't have any doubt that God exists - no one can sway my belief. I have struggled enough about my belief to know that he does exist and it will never change.

But my disappointment was that, since I know that he exist, he is either 1) not answering my prayers or things happening in my life because unlike the other children that pleases him, I am a child that is displeasing to him 2) or he really is a cruel God, who has intentionally made things this way so that in some way or other it teaches me a lesson or to make me suffer. Because how could the All Knowing God, not see the forest and only see the tree? Wouldn't he have known by answering to my prayer that way, he would have made me even more miserable than before? I was in despair and it was more painful because I felt I was abandonned by God too on top of my misfortune.

But whenever that anger and disappointment returns, only thing I can do still (2 years past) is cry to ease my hurt and talk to him how hurt I am still and ask for his help to overcome it, for I fear of angering him or losing him because of my own foolishness- I imagine if this is how my life is when I constantly talk/pray and hold on to him, how horrific it would be if I really lost him. They say God is God of Love, but he is also alot of other things. He is a jealous God, and I think he can be an angry God too when his children do not obey him. If this is the suffering that we get with him still here with us, I really don't want to know how horrific it would be to have him against me.

THIS LIFE SUCKS, I agree, at least mine does, I have lost the one and only thing that has ever made me truly happy. And my sadness is knowing there won't be anything else that would ever make me feel that way again. And as result I have lost passion for life and a reason to live. I question my love for God too, because although I love him for being my father, I hate him for not looking after me and let me feel this pain. The only reason I'm not dead is because I know there IS a heaven and hell and I don't want to rot in hell by commiting suicide. Now THAT would be the most tragical ending (that just happens to be for eternal) to my miserable life here on earth. But God still does not suck. We humans SUCK, but God does not suck. I suck for not being able to overcome it still (2 years). I suck for not being able to reach that happiness God so wants us to find again. I suck for wanting to blame God for all my misfortunes but God does not suck.

Adam/Eve gave authority over this land to the Devil and Jesus came to this world to sacrifice himself so as to give the authority back to us again. This world is of OUR doing. I'm not saying what has happened to you is your fault, it is probably OUR fault or this world's fault due to its limitedness, but it is not God's fault. By accepting Jesus, God made it possible for us to be saved and in touch with the Holy Spirit again. But here on earth we still have our battles to fight, we humans are so imperfect, and evil at times, and as result this world REALLY SUCK. all the sicknesses, diseases, wars, miseries... I think of a friend who got AIDS because her husband slept around. I think of my friend who became an orphan at such an early age because cancer took both her parents who both smoked and were always so angry. My friends didn't do anything wrong, but they had to suffer because this world that we have made/are making, sucks big time.

Your misfortune is because of me and us, not God.

I truly feel for you Cecily, my loss was as big. And on top I hate myself as result of it and I cannot find the strength and passion to step up again. I am so weak (unlike you) and I am so flawed. But you have to cling to God and ask him to help you still. If this is how this world is with him, imagine how much worse it would be without him.

Regards,
Sonia