Like an old loyal dog...

So it appears that God has crept back in my life.

I struggled with my spirituality the whole time I’ve been sober, but had settled into a nice, comfortable relationship with God until I began struggling with infertility (you can read about that here). My faith was completely restored again once I got pregnant, and I even contemplated joining a church (you can read about that here).

Faith, for me, was not about following any particular rules or regulations; it was more of a gentle sense that I was part of the universe and I was being taken care of. I felt, in the long run, that everything was going to be ok. I believed that most things happened for a reason, that coincidences were anything but. It was a nice way to live.

Then October 26 happened. I couldn’t believe it. How could God do that to me? After all I’d already been through? So, I dumped him/her like an abusive boyfriend and tried to survive without any faith.

Living without faith was unpleasant. I had a nagging sense of impending doom; I felt abandoned, rejected, alone. It wasn’t that I stopped believing in God, not at all. God just went from being a kind, loving universal spirit to being Lucy yanking the football out from under Charlie Brown.

Bizarrely enough, when my father died, it helped clear the path. Here was a different kind of grief than that I had for my sons. It was a clean grief. I couldn’t hold God responsible for my father’s death at all—no one to blame there but my Dad himself. In a way, the fire that killed him burned away some of my doubt and suspicion—I could suddenly pray again, and it felt ok.

Anne brought it the rest of the way. When she emailed me, and told me about her daughter, I could suddenly and clearly see the work of God. Now, before you get all uncomfortable, I don’t literally mean “the hand of God”--more like the thumbprint.

Even though she and I had vehemently disagreed on spiritual perspectives and politics, and yes, abortion, she still trusted me enough to reach out to me in her pain. And I was able to set aside our differences and try to help.

That’s God. Not big-old-man-in-the-sky God, but personal, internal God (or “good orderly direction, if you prefer). God gave me the ability to be compassionate, and Anne had faith that I still had that ability, even in all my grief and rage.

So, again, after such a long absence, I can turn my face into “the sunlight of the spirit” as we say in recovery. I can forgive, hopefully, and slowly learn to trust again, to have a little faith that everything is going to be all right, starting with me.

I think I’m going to be ok. Yeah. I really do.

Comments

[Catherine]

Rock on, beautiful. :)

[Yatima]

Thank God.

[MelG-F]

Cecily, I just want to say how much I admire you. I read your blog back in October when you were going through hell and just recently picked it back up again. Your support of Anne through her hell (sorry, Anne, I hope that doesn't offend you, but I can't think of anything else right now that would match what you're going through) has been truly inspiring. Not sure if this will get my butt back in church, but it sure has given me a swift kick.

[DMouse]

Yay!

I thnk that everyone who reads here has faith in your compassion. You were the first person I told about Harvey. He may have been "only" a cat, but he meant the world to me, and you were there when I was broken.

I think you will be ok, too ;.)

[Veronica]

Oh, Cecily, that's beautiful. It reminds me of a meeting I was in, long ago (yes, a 12-step meeting), when a woman stood and shared that she had been struggling and struggling with the idea of a higher power, that she didn't believe in God and couldn't force herself to do it just to work the program, but finally she had realized that her higher power could be the group, the program, the community, and that would do for now. That has always stayed with me -- if you can't have faith in an abstract deity or ideology, have faith in each other. And it seems to me that this is what is happening here.

[Callie]

Wow, what a powerful post. I am also stuggling with my spirituality. Where do we fit in? Which religion is open and welcoming of all types of people? I would love to go to a Unitarian church, but we have none in our area. Any ideas are much appreciated.

I love your blog and was happy to see you posted pics of you and your husband, what a beautiful couple.

[Julie]

Amen!

[Rhonda]

That's just so beautiful and powerful. I, too, think you're going to be okay.

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

Oh Cecily, you are an inspiration. God does work in mysterious ways.

[Elise]

WOW. That is awesome, amazing, incredible. And you were open enough to see it for what it is. And you wrote so beautifully about it.

[Menita]

First sensible description of God I have read/ heard in a really long time.
You are so amazing.

[Irina]

Hear, hear! I love your vision! It's beautiful and inspiring.

[beth]

*e-hug*

[Sandy]

I'm a big believer that we are called to be Christ to each other. You've always been ok in my books, my friend.

[Anna]

I loved reading this. thank you.

[Dana]

I'm jealous. I have been trying but it isnt happening. But you give me hope.

[Sarah]

You are so amazing. What a perfectly beautiful post, my friend.

I know you will be okay. I never doubted it for a second.

[amy in BC]

Great post and you DO sound like you are going to be OK. You sound strong again.

[Jill]

This is the first time I've read your blog, and I just wanted to let you know how beautiful this post is. Sounds to me like you've got a lot of perspective and a wealth of life experience. You're an inspiration.

[Anne Basso]

Cecily, if my daughters death has any meaning, perhaps this is it. Too many unkind people have come and attacked me in my pain, thinking that God can only work if I carry my terminal baby to term. Thank you so much. Today was particularly difficult for me, I'm sure I'll write about it tomorrow, and I was looking for meaning. You gave me some. You really are a sister.

[Emily]

You rock! And you're a rock, you truly are.

[Alison]

I think I just experienced a little "thumb print" of my own in reading your post tonight. I just started reading your blog in the last couple of weeks and your latest entry truly spoke to me.
It was exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it... to know I wasn't alone in how I'm feeling and what I've been going through.
I was looking for some "good orderly direction" and I think I stumbled upon you for a reason.
Thank you.

[Amy]

Cecily -

That was a lovely post. I just wanted to share a link to something I found when i was having a pretty rough time with my faith. This is a sermon by a UU minister in Vermont. It is the best discription I have ever read of what god and faith mean to me. Just wanted to share.

http://www.barleywinegraphics.com/hartlanduu/sermons/dog.htm

Amy

[mel]

Cecily,
Reading your blog has constantly been a source of comfort for me during my struggles with infertility. You in particular always seem to express the way many of us are feeling so eloquently. I am truly grateful that you are always here when I log on, with something new and thought provoking to say. The struggle with faith has been an ongoing theme for many of us. My newest round of IVF has been in Qatar and many of the women I talk to here seem to have no faith issues at all. To them, it's all in God's timing. Absolutely no question about it. They have all the same grief and anger but it is never directed at God. I have found this so fascinating and wish many times I could find that same faith. I think as a Christian, our religion leaves us room for so much personal interpretation and connection with God. While this can be incredibly uplifting it is also a double edged sword when we feel abandoned during our deepest needs. Thank you for giving me a new perspective and helping me deal a little more with those feelings.

Thanks for being you.

Mel

PS After 4 long years I finally got a positive result on my first IVF here in Qatar. Is God trying to tell me something??

[tess]

great post from a great woman.

you're gearing up for more amazement.