Blog Etiquette (and I'm feeling much better, thank you)

I’m not sure why someone thought that I would be a good person to cover this topic. I don’t know why I want to write it either, but I do. So before I go any further, allow me to issue this disclaimer:

Understand that the following represents ONLY the opinion of the owner of this blog. It does not in any way reflect the blogosphere as a whole, or what the owner of this blog thinks of the blogosphere as a whole, or anything to do with anyone, anywhere, that has ever written a blog, commented on a blog, or considered blogs at all, or even those people that are all like, “What the fuck is a blog?” Most of what is written below is purely the owner of this blog talking out of her ass.

Ok. Moving on. Please feel free to add your own opinions in the comments and to tell me when I’m wrong as well. I will respond to comments today in the comment section (instead of just emailing you all back) so we can have a running dialog.

Here, here and here is what some other people have written on this subject. Go read those first. I’ll wait.

Now, my take.

1. THINK about who is reading your blog.

IF you are part of a community and you want to STAY in it. The Infertility Blogosphere IS a community, and even though I have lots of readers these days that are not infertile, I am still a part of that community. Obviously, I can say whatever I want—it is my blog, after all—but I don’t have to be an asshole.

I have been burned for this one. Back when I was pregnant (ah, the good ol’ days) I lamented the fact that I was having twin boys and would never get to have the little girl I’d always dreamed of. There were lots of people who understood how I felt, but because this is an infertility blog, there were a couple of folks having really bad days (like my Black Day yesterday) that were deeply hurt. While I was telling my own truth, I could have framed it in a way that might have hurt others less. I’ve also made a couple of stupid plunders—like the day I named specific names of other bloggers who’d been through similar situations to my pregnancy but ended up with children (and lamenting the fact that they got off “easier” than I did—nice, huh?). Not a good idea; I ended up losing a friend and mentor.

So while I do believe it’s important to be honest—and I am, usually, deeply honest here—it’s also important to not be an asshat. It’s kind of like when you broke up with the guy with the small penis and told him it was really about you not being ready to be in a relationship. He didn’t have to know that you meant you weren’t ready to be in a relationship with his tiny penis. You know?

2. Do NOT think about people reading your blog.

Ha! I’m confusing you, aren’t I? Don’t think about the fact that people who are reading you may not agree with you. Don’t try to mold your opinions to please everyone. It’s not possible. Again, you can sensitive, but you should be truthful.

3. Links

Now, I’ve never asked anyone if I can link to their blog but according to a couple of those other write ups, I should, especially if it’s a small blog. My feelings are that if you link to your blog in my comment section I can link to your blog in the text body. Otherwise, I think linking is pretty fair game.

Where I get confused is on the difference between trackbacks and links. I like when people do trackbacks, because then I’m notified that you’ve linked to me, yet I have never done one (because I haven’t, um, figured out how…).

I do know that you should NEVER import images from another site into your blog, but you can link to those images at will. A subtle but important difference.

Linking to news articles, etc, is never an issue. I’m sure they are happy for the traffic.

4. Comments

Ah, commenting. Is there any area in Blogland that is more fraught with etiquette issues?
I don’t think so. Again, this is just MY opinion.

Since I have a public blog, and I accept comments, I feel it is absolutely imperative that I accept a few basic truths:

-People will disagree with me. Vehemently.

-People can be assholes and will randomly post comments like “you are a stupid fat bitch and I canT believe anyoneever reads you blogg”

-People will read this blog and never, ever post a comment.

I rarely edit or delete comments. I do edit out my city’s name if someone posts it, because I like to pretend that I have a teeny shred of anonymity and you all don’t know exactly where I live. I also delete the “fat pig” comments that are random and have nothing to do with anything. And one time I deleted comments from another blogger because she was responding to something I’d since edited out of an entry and I wanted to prevent a full-out war.

But I’ve left all of the comments my trolls have posted. I might block them from posting, but I’ve left the original comments up. Mostly because the truly awful ones have been related to issues surrounding abortion and choice and I think it’s critical that we have a glimpse into the brains of a militantly anti-choice person—even if that person is calling me a murderer and telling me my sons died for no reason and could have survived if I’d delivered them.

But people that post thoughtful responses disagreeing with me are deeply, deeply valuable to me. I can’t believe the number of friendships that have developed between me and people I vehemently disagree with because we just took a moment to LISTEN to each other. Discussion is always useful.

What isn’t useful is people leaping to my defense against those that disagree with me and make it personal. Reputing what they say is fine, but calling them ‘stupid’ or ‘bitch’ isn’t really helpful. I prefer we play nice.

Leaping to my defense against the truly evil trolls is appreciated, however.

As far as reading and not commenting goes; that’s an interesting question. Someone (I can’t remember who said this and I’m sorry for not linking to you) recently said that reading a blog and not commenting is like going to someone’s house for dinner and eating the meal but refusing conversation. While I love getting comments, I don’t feel that strongly about it; I do believe it’s ok if you would prefer to just read, but I wonder who you are. I’m thrilled at every “de-lurker.”

I think a lot of people view reading blogs like they do reading magazines; it’s not a conversation, it’s entertainment or information. I understand. I know that I’ve recently made a concerted effort to get back in the habit of commenting on the blogs I read (I got out of the habit because of Bloglines). I won’t comment on every entry—often there are already lots of folks who’ve said what I was going to say—but I do try to comment once in a while.

Lastly, some people may not like them, but I love comments that simply say, “I’m thinking of you!” or “I agree!” Really. I absolutely LOVED how many people came out and admitted to liking Ayn Rand’s work; I really thought I was alone on that one. All slaps on the back are appreciated, hell, craved.

5. More About Comments

I like to privately email responses to my commenters. I know not everyone does it, and I don’t expect them to (although I’m secretly thrilled when someone like Grrl or Julie emails me back). Other people prefer to respond right in the comment section, which I almost never do (unless I’m trying to clarify something or asking people to play nice).

Which do you prefer? I know that when I see a blogger responding in her comment section I feel better knowing that she’s reading all the comments (anyone who says they don’t read all their comments is so totally lying—we are absolute gluttons for attention, us bloggers), but if she doesn’t respond to MY comment, I feel oddly neglected (yeah, I’m crazy like that). Hence my choice to email everyone back so that you KNOW I read what you wrote.

Interested to hear what you all think.

6. Blogrolling

Honestly, I am CLUELESS on this subject. I don’t have every blog I read regularly blogrolled, and I know my blogroll is out of date. I linked to Julie’s blog to cover all the infertiles, but there are lots of others that I read.

I don’t really pay attention to who links to me, although I enjoy it when I see a referral from a blogger I’ve never heard of before.

So tell me what you all think about this one, cause I suck at the whole blogroll thing.

7. Open Mind, Open Heart

I think the thing I’ve learned the most is to just keep my heart and mind open to new ideas. Just the other day I was emailing back and forth with a commenter who calls herself a fundamentalist Christian about Madeline L’Engels books; I assumed, incorrectly, that Ms. L’Engles open acceptance of evolution would make that book off limits. Not only was I wrong about that, she’s a Harry Potter fan too. So not ALL people who call themselves “fundamentalist Christians” are whack jobs! Who knew?

Once again, a commenter forces me to look at my strongly held opinions and re-evaluate them. I absolutely LOVE this.

I think that’s about all I have to say on the subject; I imagine you will have loads more to add and I’m counting on you all to cover all the stuff I missed.

I’ll leave you with this very funny link about “Blog Depression” (via Dawn).

Comments

[Debe]

I read all the comments on mine (what few there are) but I don't always have a good response. Maybe that's why I don't get more comments?

[Deanna]

I am a blog novice so I can't help on many of your questions. I do however like it when a personal email is sent when I comment. Crazy part is, I can't do that for most of the people who comment on my blog because they have a no-reply email address. So I try to comment in the comment section. Also, I never have asked permision to link to someone's site but I guess I will from now on. So can I link you on my site? :-)

[Monica]

Great post, as always. Lots of food for thought. I was wondering about your thoughts on the difference between having a private and public blog - are there things you haven't said (written) because you know a personal friend will read it? I've discovered that the longer I blog, the more I wish my blog were more anonymous.

[Chris]

"So not ALL people who call themselves “fundamentalist Christians” are whack jobs! Who knew?"

It is comments such as this that keep me coming back to read more of you! Your humor is clearly one of your strengths (plus very funny). I marvel at what you have endured and still manage to get out of bed each morning. In a nutshell, although I am a blog-reader-newbie, I have come to admire you in a very short time.
Kudos to you, kid!

[Anna]

My biggest thought about blogging is to never post something up to the internet that you wouldn't want *everyone you've ever known in the history of ever* to know about. I'm always quite shocked at people who post things to their blog, then get surprised when there's real life consequences to it.

I'm really very careful on my blog. It seems like I'm posting a lot about my personal life, but I'm really not. (Of course, I think we all reveal more than we want to. When I was in China, I'd often get emails from strangers telling me how lonely I sounded, and how they hoped I was feeling better. Which I really appeciated, but I never thought I was expressing that, and it was something none of my circle of friends back home ever really picked up on.)

Also, re: comments. I don't get a lot of comments on my blog from strangers, but when I do, I never know what to do about them! Do I write them back? Do I comment back? Do I ignore them? It feels like writing them to say something like "thanks for reading!" sound pretentious...

[Cecily]

Already several points I forgot to address!

NEVER NEVER NEVER talk about your job in your blog. Like ever. Unless you talk about it like I do when I talk about how much I love it in it's awesomeness. Never say anything bad... Unless you don't WANT that job. Don't want to end up "dooced."

Anna, I don't think just saying "thanks for reading" is pretentious! I, er, hope not anyway.

Monica, yes, there have been times that I wish my blog was more anonymous. I do have other places, however, to vent my secret stuff. And I could always start a private password protected blog to cover that stuff, but... I don't know. I'm a writer, and I like it when people read what I write, so I think I'll stay a public blog whore for a while. :)

Deanna, link away.

Debe, what is your viewing vs. comment rate? Mine is probably about 1 out of 300 or so (meaning one person out of three hundred views writes a comment). I'm sure emailing people has made them more likely to comment again. Has it made you more likely to comment here because I email you back?

[samie]

C- I love reading your blog, and i was not an IF. I found you via my cousin's blog, in a post called 'people I admire in the Computer.'
I read your archives to try to comprehend what she is going through. I no longer remember what the first post i saw was about, but i was hooked. I check in everyday to see how you are. It took me about 2 mo. to leave a comment ( and i too was secretly thrilled when YOU e-mailed ME). I comment periodically, usually because something you have said moves me. I (*warning*, personal opinion) feel that you can and should say what you want, or are feeling, scew people who take offence. YOU are ALLOWING us to get a look at who YOU are. and I am greatful for that. YOU have ALLOWED ME to understand, a little bit, about IF, and therefore be a better supporter for my cousin.So I THANK YOU, for being truly, deeply honest here.

[Mandy]

De-lurker here! I read your blog, although I am not infertile. You are honest, compassionate, funny, and interesting. Thanks for sharing your "life" with us!

[Aitch aka AyEnDee...]

I hate rules.

That being said, sometimes I forget that people DO read my blog and I have to be careful about saying stuff about the blogging community (or oterh bloggers or their posts - because blogging is a lot like high school gossip) that I wouldn't say to their face but at the same time It's my blog, I can do what I like.

My intent is to NOT be mean or disrespctful to those I like but sometimes no matter what you do or say someones bound to ger hurt and there's nothing you can do but own up to it. Know what I'm saying???

I also have to learn not to get defensive by comments and as you know that can be hard to do. For every 30 good comments only one nad one can ruin my day.

[Cecily]

Samie, of course it's my blog and I should be able to say whatever I want no matter what. But I should also, then, be prepared to accept the consequences!

Aitch, I hear you. One bad comment can negate the other 20 good ones any day. Even when it's just some kid being cruel, it sucks.

[Susan]

Replyng to comments: I was thrilled when you emailed me about a comment I wrote, you're a celebrity in my world!

I agree with Aitch that no matter how hard you try to think and not think about the readers there is someone who won't get the nuance or who will generalize comments when the intent was to convey what is true for you. Writing is very one-sided and people form an opinion from what is not said and flame you and then you end up justifying every word you put out there which must be hard as a writer.
(I am not sure what point I am making there.)
I do like the civil, open discussions about controversial/sensitive topics, they get me thinking.
Blogrolling...I just go to Julia's.

[Debe]

I comment because what you write strikes a cord within me, we are cyber twins or something, but I do love the emails, when you have time.

My veiwing vs what? I have no clue how to find that out.

[-erica]

I comment only when I feel I have something unique to add to the discussion. I've thought about having a blog myself, but have decided against it because I don't think I could hack the invasion of privacy. My drive to express myself is not strong enough to offset my reluctance to deal with the amount of crap you bloggers seem to have to deal with. Blog Ettiquete is just a newer evolved version of Netiquete, and some people don't pay attention to that, either, and how long has that been around?

You have emailed answers to my comments, here, and I appreciate that, because I'm not always going back to slog through 100+ comments. It has also made me feel "special". The special feeling is helped by figuring out that we live about 35 miles apart. I have a little groupie fantasy about bumping into you at a local campground where we are both staying, and being able to say hello in person. When you talk about bad weather, it's like hey, that's my bad weather too!

[Heatherg]

your great.
I like recieving email back from you acknowledging my comment on your blog. It makes me feel special. It doesnt matter to me if you respond on the blog or via email, i just like feeling special.......

I am not infertile either, but i truly do enjoy your writings... Also, I am careful as to my "comments" so as I dont offend you or anyone else in the community. Truth-be-told, infertile or not, you never really know what to say to people. Some people find comments "ok" and yet those same comments are completely offensive to others, so i just try to be supportive.

I like you C, your a neat person with a great perspective on things. I dont always agree with everything you say and i have absolutely no clue who the hell all these writers and books ya'll keep talking about are, but HEY! Next discussion may be about something i know..........and i wouldnt wanna miss it!

[Adina]

{{{Delurking}}} Never commented and to be honest never thought of it as "like going to someone’s house for dinner and eating the meal but refusing conversation"... Just wanted to let you know you have me as a fan that checks with you daily for something to smile and/or think about! Thanks and keep up the good work!

[Heatherg]

I so..........wanna bump into ya'll at a campground! Remember, I am the camping whore, i have no boundaries, I will camp anywhere with anyone. Just please let me cook outdoors and, and, and, and..... whew, i got way to excited to keep going!

It turns me on when you talk of camping, sorry to get out of control. It was erica, she said the C word........ camping!!!!!!!!

I should really just shut up and find a camping blog. (But i will always read you!)

[Milenka]

I flail about wildly in my blogging ways. On happier, more social days, I try to leave comments on all of the blogs that I read. Often, though, I feel as though I have nothing to add and just lurk. I never expect responses to my comments, but I'm always thrilled when I receive them. As extensive as my blogroll is, there are dozens of blogs that I read but have been too lazy to blogroll yet. I tend to be just as wishy-washy with my own blog. Sometimes I'll make a point of emailing responses to every single comment I receive, and other times I just read them and appreciate them silently. As far as what I write about, I tend to write what I feel and attempt to not be deliberately hurtful to anyone.

Okay, so my comment here was probably pretty boring and useless, but I wanted to let you know that I heart you and your blog! :-)

[Catherine]

I have the privelege of knowing you IRL, so I don't worry too much if I don't get a response from you, since I know I can just bug you about it on Tuesday! :)

That said, I'm going to disagree with the majority here and say I prefer it when a blogger responds to their comments on the blog, rather than via email, because many times, the commenter will ask a question that is then asked eleventy-thousand more times, and if the blogger just answered it publicly the first time, then it would be resolved. Also, it feels more like a conversation to me that way.

However, typepad is not set up like Livejournal. Livejournal has the comments in a "tree" format so that any reply to a particular comment will be listed right below it. I suppose it might get confusing with your responses somewhere below in the list of comments.

But what the hell do I know, I get about a tenth of a percent of the comments you do, so clearly what you're doing is working. :)

[-erica]

Haha, Heatherg, be careful what you ask for! I have a friend who went looking for a on-line group for camping within her state, to find out about good campgrounds. She found a nice active group that seemed like just the ticket, and she joined, only to find out that they not only were campers, but swingers, too. This particular friend wasn't looking for that sort of campsite info...!

[Catherine]

Sorry for double-post...I also wanted to say that I TOTALLY AGREE with whoever said DON'T POST IT ON THE INTERNET IF IT CAN'T BE READ BY EVERYONE AND ANYONE. Because no matter what, no matter how careful you are, the very person you DON'T want to read it is inevitably going to find it, and then the shame, oh god, THE SHAME! If you post it on the internet, it's public knowledge, it CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND. Think ahead! If you're 20 and posting about using cocaine, you're not thinking about the fact that you may want to run for public office when you're 40.

-Catherine, who has deleted THREE BLOGS with years of journaling between them, GONE FOREVER, because she has to be hit over the head with a sledgehammer before she learns a lesson.

[Robyn]

Commenting for the first time because I'd hate to be a rude dinner guest.

I guess sometimes I liken reading blogs to looking in someone's underwear drawer...even though your know the stuff is there for people to read it seems so very personal. I'd hate to trivialize what someone is going through by adding my second cousin's twice removed story of how things worked out for them when I know all to well that is the last thing someone really wants to hear. (A cyber "relax it will happen" if you will).

That said I also have the "not cool" kid complex and just watch from the sidelines most of the time.

[liz]

Beautifully said, and I'm glad you are no longer having a Black Day.

[Kimberly]

Great post - very interesting! I seldom leave comments, but read you and many others daily. I never thought not leaving a comment was rude, I figured you bloggers could check the hit counters or something and appreciate how much traffic you get that way. But I'm probably strange. My brother, who lives a few hours away, calls me lots, sometimes several times a day. He leaves a message, usually inane (did I mention he is my best friend?)EVERY TIME he calls. I feel like this is a time waster. When I call and he does not answer the phone, I figure he will see my missed call and either call me back or not. We have discussed this somewhat - I did not say "Dude STOP leaving me a fucking message every time you call!", I was more diplomatic, tho it was hard. Anyway, he thinks it is rude to call someone, then not leave a msge if they do not answer. I figure it is not rude, but more thoughtful NOT to leave a useless message that says, "I'm bored, call me." Essentially.

Also, after I realized, Cecily, that you always e-mail me back after I leave a comment, I have thought twice about leaving one that might be just a pat on the back, or does not really contribute anything, because I think to myself - why waste her time, she will have to e-mail me back. So I just do not leave a comment. Because I feel like you are probably very busy. I guess now this is a strange way to think.

[MollieBee]

LMAO, Erica.

I likey you lots, Cec. I enjoy getting email responses to my comments, even if it's just a couple of words, makes me feel good.

My blog is different than most, it's not a conversation, just a public outpouring of crap, but it really, really helps me.

[Peach]

I'm one of those who is torn about commenting, as well. Most of the writers of blogs that I read already seem to have a "core" group of commenters and friends, and I totally feel like I'm butting in on private conversations, so I often don't comment. Other places, I'll only comment if I feel I have something unique to add to the discussion. (Not to mention the fact that I'm one of those childless by choice people who has fallen in love with the infertile women because of their strength but feel I haven't earned the right to comment because dude, do you KNOW what these women go through????? I am *totally* not worthy.)

Then, there are times when I come across a blog like Cecily's and feel that I have so much in common with her (based on the Blog - her, of course, as I don't know her IRL) that I want to comment and want to open dialogue because I think there's so much fun to be had if I were one of those "core" commenters. I'm still working on trying to overcome the "not a cool kid" syndrome here.

I've never thoguht about the "coming to dinner and not talking" analogy, but methinks it's a bit of an exageration. I'm off to ponder that a bit more.