Blah, blah, BLAH

There's been a lot of talk in the infertility blogosphere of late about what's the right thing to say and write and who's bitter and who isn't and yada yada yada. It's a recurring theme.

I've been thinking about it quite a bit, because I've been at the center of those storms before. In the my last pregnancy, people got angry when I complained about my morning sickness or being tired. They felt that I should be grateful for every time I dry-heaved over the sink because after all, I was pregnant, the infertile's dream.

And let's not even discuss the insanity that erupted when I found I was having twin boys and was sad I wasn't having a girl (look at the comments section and the next several entries if you want the whole juicy story. heh).

Being pregnant at the time all this went on, and fairly new to blogging, I took all of this stuff waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too personally. In fact, I was devastated.

Thankfully, the incredible compassion, warmth and support I received after losing the boys changed the picture for me. Without my readers and fellow bloggers, I think I would have lost my mind completely. You all held me together when I cracked in half with grief.

Then of course came the attacks from folks like Holly, people who believed I'd killed my babies unnecessarily and was in fact an evil murderer instead of a grieving almost-mother. Boy, did my hide thicken up then.

Over the last year, this blog has evolved into being an amazing place where liberals and conservatives meet, talk, disagree, and stay friends. So many of you have softened my thinking and educated me--even if we still don't agree. Just the other day Elena and I were discussing the fact that I'd said that test results could effect the outcome of this pregnancy. While mostly declining to argue with her, I appreciated the fact that she thinks enough of me that she believes I would be a wonderful mother to a special needs child.

The friendships I've developed over the last year-and-something are so important to me, I don't know what I'd do without them. Thank you all for being a part of my life.

But I know many of you are still on the road; struggling to get pregnant, stay pregnant, or fighting the mighty forms and other hurdles of adoption. I know my bitching about morning sickness and fatigue is gonna piss you off and make you feel left out in the cold.

I'm sorry.

I haven't written much this last couple of days because I've been thinking about that. Most of what I have to say of late is about the fact that the increased blood pressure medicine and increased progesterone have left me feeling pretty awful. I'm cranky, chronically exhausted, and feel like each limb weighs an extra hundred pounds. And I knew that no one really wanted to listen to my whining.

But unlike some people who feel like they put a different face in their blog than they have in real life, the thoughts and feelings you find here are really me. Honest. Ask Sarah or Charlie (although Charlie won't be able to respond since our home computer blew up and is currently at the shop). So what to do with a blog written primarily for other infertiles by an infertile that's pregnant?

As far as I can tell, the only thing to do is to either a) stop writing or b) be honest.

Which option do you think I'll chose?

Comments

[Melanie (Phila)]

Be honest!

And not just because I get really bored with the WHOLE internet(s) when you don't update.

[Julie]

Be Honest!
I was a infertile of 4 years until I got a BFP on Tuesday and I read your blog faithfully and it has never bothered me. I always thought to myself, I would take all of those crappy symptoms if I could have a baby, but I have never been the least bit offended by how you feel and the way you express it. It is your blog if people don´t want to read it, they don´t have to. Please continue to give us daily updates no matter how you feel.
Take care!!
Julie

[leslie]

I'd miss your writing horribly so I'm definitely rooting for honesty. That said, I'm one of the lucky ones who haven't gone through infertility so what's drawn me here all along has been your incredible bravery and forthrightness about difficult times.

[ann]

be honest! not all of your readers are infertile and anyone who is and is offended by your dry heaves should just stop reading you. this is *your* blog and *your* pregnancy. write what you need/want to write.
maybe a happy medium is to turn comments off.

[Cindy]

BE HONEST!!! And think of it this way, its your pregnancy journal and we are all a bunch of cec junkies needing our fix. If your pukey, bitchy, whiney, pissed off or whatever we are all needing that fix of knowing. Some of us will be remembering as we read it, some will be hoping as they read it, for each of us it will take on a different meaning, but a meaning none the less. For you, in years to come you will look back on it and probably roll your eyes at some of it, laugh at other parts, cry at still others, but, you will be able to look back at it. So write girl write! Write with honesty as you always have done until your keyboard runs out of font ink, and then, BUY MORE!! Smiles!! Us Cec junkies need you!

[Sheri]

I would miss you terribly too so my vote is definitly for honesty. I wanna hear about everything! This is your story and like any great book I read.... I can't stop half way through it.

You have an amazing story and are a wonderful, kind, honest woman and friend. WE are lucky to have YOU!

Keep on rockin' Cec-

[anon]

Delurking to say.

Be honest!

you're blog is wonderful

[Leggy]

Please be honest.

The reason I come to your blog is that I care about you, about what's going on in your life, and how you process IF, marriage, politics, friendship, blogging, etc. I cheer with you when things are going well, and I'm sad for you when they are not. I'd still be reading you if the boys had lived and I'll keep reading you after you are writing about puke-stained clothes and juggling working/parenthood.

In some ways, I feel similar to you because I have a child already after IVF, but TTC #2 has been such as heartache. When I write about my son, I worry that some IFer's may feel bad, but I can't stop doing that.

Life is a constantly evolving, changing process. Blogs are a window into people's lives- if you aren't interested anymore because things change, don't read. But PLEASE DON'T stop writing about what you think/feel/are going through because someone else is going through a rough time. Hopefully, they'll be able to see that someday/somehow (IUI, IVF, adoption, child-free), they'll get to the other side of the journey as well.

[libertate]

I think you should lie. Make up stuff. It's not like you are not going to tick off someone either way!? So might as well make it fun!

"Yes, I just had the dry heaves again. I sent my man out to get a six pack to calm my stomach. We are running low on rum and smokes, but beer should do. Until he brings a carton of cigs, the cigar will substitute." And watch how people will freak on you.

;-) a disconnected participation is an odd thing. How do we really build non-relationships over no-connections? Through your posts.

[Cathy]

Duh!

Yes, it can be hard to read infertile blogs when fellow infertiles become pregnant. But as my therapist once told me when I was feeling guilty about not being excited about an acquaintance's baby shower, "It just shows how badly you want pregnancy in your own life."

That said, there's also a joy in reading about fellow infertiles becoming pregnant. And then, like Cindy and the previous commenters said, for all of us who love you (in that Internet way)--or at least in my case, I want to hear about it, I want to know how you're doing, what week you're at now, how your preparations are going (when you get to that stage), and so on.

Thinking about this has brought me to an interesting insight. Many of your readers identify as infertile, and this blog is in the infertility category (right?), but you have of course transcended that label and fertile/infertile/could-care-less-about-fetility readers read your blog for its humanity, to hear about you, Cecily, and your world with Charlie and Sarah.

You remind us that we are so much more than whatever struggle it is we face in life right now.

Thanks as always, Cecily!

[Ria]

You better "Be Honest" or I'm marching up there to complain face to face. :-)

Thank you for blogging. And to the rest of the world I say "Lighten up, Francis".

[Gina]

I am getting very tired that the infertile are supposed to be so stinking grateful for everything that we are not allowed to complain about anything. Really I am.

Feeling nauseous and puking half the day is not pleasant for the fertile and they are allowed to whine about adnauseum why can't an infertile? Does that mean that you don't love being pregnant? Of course not. You can love being pregnant and still not like puking your guts out every 15 minutes!

I'll admit that every am I was happy to wake up nauseous because that meant everything was ok but by noon I will still thinking enough already.

I'm an infertile with two children who is done having children. I wonder where people classify me?

[karla]

One of the reasons I enjoy reading your blog so much is your honesty. I hope you continue to write.

[erica]

Of course, you should be honest and write about whatever YOU want to write about!

I went thru some hellish times, two second trimester miscarriages and a donor egg chemical, but through it all, I still read those blogs that I'd grown attached to, even when they got pregnant and talked about their pregnancies. Maybe because the ones I'd read (Julie and Tertia, etc.) had been through hell to get there, I was so damn happy for them.

Likewise, although I didn't need more sadness in my life, I kept reading you and others when they'd lost their pregnancies. Like a rite of passage, I felt I needed to share in the sadness, and express my condolences.

Now that I'm adopting, it's easier for me to read about others being pregnant. And I know that I'm getting off easy, in a way. Pregnancy is damn hard work, and it's terrifing for a habitual miscarrier or someone who's gone through much worse, like you Cecily.

I'm going to keep reading, rooting you on, and will be so unbelievably happy for you when you make it to the other side.

[Pamplemousse]

Some days I don't want to read about it and I think "Oh jeez, shut up" and other days I am OK. It is my choice whether I read or comment or whatever.

I was amazed at how many of your readers did not know about betas, etc and that is when I realised that you have gone "blog supernova"! I had assumed it was still all infertiles but you attract all sorts now haha!

Your blog, your words, your feelings. Better out than in, as the actress did not say to the bishop :)

[MoMMY]

Just remember this is YOUR blog. About YOUR life. If it makes people uncomfortable then they do not have to read. I hate to classify blogs because of this. If this is an infertility blog, what happens when you have a baby? Does it change the blog? No. It's still YOUR blog, about YOUR life.

As for complaining about morning sickeness etc, just because I was not infertile and complained didn't mean I wasn't happy to be pregnant. Only the freaks* don't complain about puking and being so incredibly uncomfortable and all that. We can be grateful to carry a baby and still not enjoy the crappy stuff that goes along with it.

*and by saying freaks I'm trying to be humorous - but they're still freaks.

[Susan]

Be honest, share it all, it wouldn't be fair to ask you to do anything else.
I am amazed that people feel IF and pregnancy after IF are mutually exclusive, especially since the pain of IF is always there, barely beneath the surface.
Sorry you feel crappy from the meds.

[Cathy]

I'd put money on honesty - you are certainly a braver gal than I Gungadin...

For half a day I was put in the Sophie's choice position of potentially making a decision of 'tying off one twin to save the other'. Doesn't compare to your situation last year,but... I remember telling the few family members that knew - if we do this it will become one of 'those' family secrets 'cause I can't live this decision over and over again. I got really really lucky and found a plan C - and got really lucky again in that it worked.
\
I so admire your bravery to talk about this in an open forum. I think the only way to keep our choices open for women is to tell our stories. Thank you.

Hugs-
Cathy
PS I found ginger tea at least not as unpleasant coming back up.

[Diana]

Fuck 'em all! (and I mean that in the nicest way possible!)
I had a miscarraige before I had my son...but it didn't change the fact that the pukey feeling was THE PUKEY FEELING!!!
No one likes that- and i agree with all that said "They don't have to read"... because they don't. It's not that i want to be insensitive, but as MoMMY said, it's your life. why are you going to censor yourself just to keep a few people happy? Keep yourself happy, and we all know that by you being honest- you are staying happy! With love and prayers till your in the delivery room...

[jen]

Be honest!

Our realities are constantly changing. If you are infertile and trying the difficulties and sadness associated with that are your reality. If you become pregnant, the excitement and happiness as well as the very real discomfort and worry become your reality. It's only natural and I believe healthy to to vent/complain about what we are experiencing at various times in our life. It doesn't mean that we stop feeling for others with different circumstances.

[Kate]

Blog on sister!

That's what I love about your blog- your honesty about your emotions and experiences.

I personally find it refreshing that you don't put on a "Yippee! I'm pregnant! And pregnancy is wonderful!" show. 'Cause you know what? I think being pregnant sucked ass. Even after 2 miscarriages, surgery, and everything else that goes along with it. That being said, my son is the best thing that ever happened to me... but damn! It wasn't fun or easy getting him here.

[Pixie]

Delurking to say...

I have been reading your blog since you lost your boys and I have grown to love reading it.

I am not an infertile, nor have I ever been one, but I truly enjoy reading your words.

This pregnancy is your happy time, and I hope for your sake that you can continue writing about it... one day when you are holding your precious baby in your arms, you will look back at the things you wrote and be glad that you have your thoughts and feelings recorded.

[PattM]

I vote for honesty.

[Rosemary Grace]

Option B please Ms Cecily!

I'm not infertile (that I know of, since I'm not trying yet), I'm just a woman who likes reading gutsy women. Though I can't believe I just used the word "gutsy" in a serious sentence.

I read a lot of "infertility" blogs because it can be taken as a metaphor for any life struggle, infertile people are (unfortunately) forced to pare their world view right down to what makes them tick, and to make heart rending choices. You, and Julie, Tertia, the whole Vagina Posse brigade, remind me how strong people can be.

[The Aitch]

I think a lot of more popular bloggers have started the trend where they stop writing for themselves or to educate or have a voice and start writing for other people just. I don;t know if it's for readership or out of guilt or what, but it's a shame and I hate it. The blogs who start placating everyone just turn me off.

Please always do what's best for you, regardless of what sort of comments you get. Blogs (especially infertile, adopting or pg blogs) should be about ther person and their struggles without writing to please other people. Otherwise they get stagnet and boring and start being fake and they lose their identity. I have seen it happen to many of my favorite bloggers.

They were my favorite because they were real, honest, no holds barred and then they got a little popularity and all of a sudden is was about pleaseing their fans AKA their readers.

Please don't do that, keep it real yo, be Cecily. I mean I know you will anyway, but still, do what you do best when you blog...WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT without being afraid of hurting someones feelings or stepping on toes or whatever, because like on a radio where you can change the station, readers can either click or not click.

And I mean hoesntly I love you so much that you could say I stunk like goat feces and I would still come back because at least you were honest:)