Thanks

Ten years ago on Thanksgiving day, I had to graciously decline to join Charlie and his mother for a yummy turkey dinner because I was ill.

Or, more actually, I was bleeding.

At that point I'd been doing so many drugs that I was bleeding from every place I could. I was bleeding from my nose, my mouth, I was coughing blood, there was blood coming out of my ass. The drugs I'd been doing at that time were very, very pure. I think I was bleeding internally. I hadn't slept in six weeks.

The next morning, Charlie put me on a plane and sent me to my tenth high school reunion (where I descended on my poor unsuspecting friend Leah). He was terrified for me, but I think it saved my life. When I arrived, I slept for 24 straight hours and was able to enjoy the weekend to some extent.

But I spent every single moment dreaming about drugs, wishing I could get drugs, wondering where I could go to buy them. Once I got home, I went right back to the drugs. For another three weeks; December 21, 1995 is the day I overdosed, and the last day I used.

Last year on Thanksgiving, Charlie and I were supposed to go to his aunt's for dinner when we realized that we just couldn't do it. We couldn't be good guests. The grief over losing the boys was just too fresh. We didn't think we could be polite. So we went to Elise's, who welcomed us with open arms and an open heart and fit us in around her crowded table.

This year, we were back at Elise's, in her beautiful new house. The table was full of good people, good food, and good pie. I have rarely enjoyed a holiday more.

I'm so grateful that I'm sober. I'm so grateful that I don't feel the way I did this time last year. And I can say, tentatively, that I'm grateful to be pregnant again, for another chance at giving birth to a child. As scared as I am.

I'm grateful for Charlie, for his deep love and constant support. I'm grateful for Sarah, and for Pete, even though they are going to Puerto Rico next week. I'm grateful to know Sarah's daughter, and Elise's. With these people in my life, it's clear that I'm a lucky woman.

So Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Even with shadows on the horizon and the fear in my heart, I am grateful. I wish each and everyone one of you good things, and hope that at least one wish comes true for you before the end of the year.

Comments

[Irina]

Wishing you a very happy Thanksgiving! : )

[Elena]

Thank you Cecily! I know all of your readers are wishing the same for you.

And remember - "Be not afraid" : )

[Melissa]

You are a survivor, my dear.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU!

[Catherine]

Happy Thanksgiving, Cec. It was wonderful to see you last week! I had a great holiday too - see my blog. Last night, after spending time with my own family, I went to D's parents just to say hello and wish everyone happy holidays. They do this tradition where they write down on a piece of paper what they're thankful for, and then put them all into a bowl, and you pick someone else's and read it - no names. I thought for a while about what I wanted to write down, and in the end, I wrote the truest thing I could - "I am grateful for another sober holiday." This is my 3rd sober Thanksgiving and I never knew how joyous and heart-filling holidays could be. Thank you god, friends, family, and AA.

[baseballmom]

Happy Thanksgiving Cecily, you truly have a lot to be thankful for. I kept thinking yesterday that I was so thankful to have my dad with us, after having completed detox and a 21 day inpatient program, and how I wish for him to remain sober. I hope you had a great day, and thanks for your great writing. NBHHY!

[Sophia]

Thank you for every word you write. This plus sized, 8 years sober lesbian trying to conceive prays for you every day for health, love, happiness and that in a few month you will hold a little one in your arms. I just started a blog today so when it grows up I hope it is just like yours! LOL

PS The white wine sangria never looked so good this year. Off to a meeting I go!

[MOT]

Happy Turkey Day, with love from my family and me (the biggest turkey of 'em all!)

xxoo

[MOT]

Happy Turkey Day, with love from my family and me (the biggest turkey of 'em all!)

xxoo

[beth]

happy turkey day hun
i hope it went well

[Angie]

I'm a new reader to your blog -- don't even know who's I was reading when I got to yours -- and I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. :) I kind of felt like I was bad for lurking so I thought I'd come out of the wood-work for the holiday. Just know you've got someone in NC praying for you, too. The Internet is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

[Elise]

Happy Thanksgiving - I too felt like last night was one of the most memorable Thanksgivings I've had. I was super psyched about the pies too, and the company. I also have a lot to be thankful for - good health, good friends, good food, and good family.

[Sarah]

Amen.

[Ninotchka]

God Bless, Cec!

[Bekah]

Happy Thanksgiving. Much love!

[wix]

very touching post. i am so glad that you're still with us and willing to give so generously of yourself.

[Shelli]

Hi, Cec! Happy Thanksgiving. I am so glad that you are sober and are able to share that sobriety here with us. You are a gifted, beautiful, lucky woman. And a survivor. God bless Charlie for sticking with you through it all. My brother is a nearly 3 year recovering meth addict, so I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love try to kill themselves over and over again. I thank God everyday for his sobriety and his life.

I am thinking about you during this difficult time. God bless.

[Taylor]

A very happy Thanksgiving to you as well!!

[maia]

May I be so cliqued' to say 'You've come a long way baby!' ;) You are such an inspiration Cecily, you will never know how much.

[Sandy]

Amazing, hard won reasons to be thankful. I'm thankful for the gift of you, your life and your shared wisdom.

[jenny]

Thanks for this post Cecily.

NBHHY!!!

[DD]

I'm hoping the reminiscing of the holidays continues to bring you better and better memories.

[Calliope]

Thanks for wishing on our behalf.
Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Thanks for shining your light on what can be a crazy world.
xo

[Alexa]

Thank you for this post. I hope you continue to have more and more and more to be thankful for. I know we are all thankful for your stength and honesty, and your willingness to share your thoughts with us.

[Korin]

I'm thankful that you're sober also.. and have created this blog, so that I know you :) I look forward to you celebrating your 10 year anniversary. :) Congrats. You are amazing.

[liz]

And a happy one to you.