Father's Day

For most of my life Father's Day has passed with little notice. I steeled myself early on--in elementary school, in fact--to ignore the holiday and pretend it didn't exist. When pressed to work on school projects that would be "gifts for Daddy" I was always given an out. It never occurred to me to substitute a Grandfather or Uncle on that day; it was easier and less painful to just to ignore it.

My father, as most of you know, left me and my mother when I was fifteen months old. He re-enlisted in the army and went off to Vietnam. It seems like a rather dramatic way to get away from your family, but whatever. I grew up, as I've said before, accepting the fact that I have a "dad-sized" hole in my heart that will never be filled.

In the last week, I've woken up several times to find Charlie awake, staring at me and Tori. His face is so happy and relaxed; I haven't seen him like this since we first fell in love. He speaks softly to Tori, saying, "Hi, Doll! How are you?" and looking like the most proud daddy that ever existed.

Ten years ago, I made the decision that I wanted to have kids. I was sober and I was lucky enough to be married to a man that would not be like my father. I knew in my bones that no matter what happened, Charlie would always be there for his children. I never felt safe enough in any other relationship to contemplate actually raising a family; Charlie changed everything.

It wasn't easy; for years, if we had a big fight, I would tell him to leave. I knew he was going to leave, because that was what men did. But each time I'd tell him to go, he'd just look at me like I was crazy (cause I was) and say, "Gee, that seems a little dramatic."

Charlie managed to heal, in large part, the thing in me my father broke.

I know now, watching Charlie with Tori, that the reason we pushed so fucking hard to have her is so that I can watch his face shine with love for her. The last four years of pain and fear and rage and sorrow are melting away so quickly; my heart is healing faster than my incision.

Charlie is a miracle just as much as Tori is. He is my heart, my love, and now the father of my daughter. A daughter who will never have a dad-sized hole in her heart; my daughter is starting out her life learning that men can be kind, loving and gentle. I envy her. She's one lucky little girl.

Happy Father's Day, Charlie. I love you, and so does your daughter.

Comments

[Sara]

1.

What a lovely tribute -- you are all so lucky. And I can relate; my daughter is fortunate to have a wonderful father. Happy Every Day!

[Tanya]

2.

Well that is just about the best thing I have ever read. Now I need to go get some tissue.

Happy Father's Day to Charlie, Tori and you :D.

[Sarah]

3.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Tears over here...he is one beautiful daddy.
xo

[Bluepaintred]

4.

Awww, I got shivers reading this post, knowing how hard and heartbreaking your journey was to get to this point. Charlie is a lucky man to have a loving wife like you , and such a sweet baby girl!

I hope you don't mind I sent Charlie an email saying Happy Fathers Day!

[Jaine]

5.

this post has left me beaming...that is all.

[Sarah]

6.

Amen.
Sarah

[Anne]

7.

crying big fat happy tears!

[Jaycie]

8.

"My heart is healing faster than my incision" is just one of the awesome gifts of maternal love. Kids have a way of healing wounds you didn't even realize still hurt. I'm so glad you've been blessed with this experience.
Happy Father's Day to your beloved!

[Bluestocking]

9.

This was lovely Cecily. I too have found seeing my son with his father (and my true love) a great salve to my father issues. Have a wonderful Father's Day.

[Rayne of Terror]

10.

That is so sweet. Made me tear up a little. Have a great day all three of you.

[Jon]

11.

Happy (first!) Father's Day, Charlie!!

Happy (first!) being able to experience Father's Day in a whole new light to you, Cecily.

much love

[Korin]

12.

Maybe it's the hormones.... maybeit's the stalled labor.. but that made me cry.
Happy fathers day Charlie!!

[sarah]

13.

so wonderful.....

[Andrea in IN]

14.

KLEENEX!! AGAIN!.... :-)

Happy Father's Day, Charlie!!!

[Yatima]

15.

People! Stop Making Me Blub!

[Amy]

16.

Cecily,

As the daughter of divorced parents, who has recently distanced herself from her own father (too long to explain, other than to say I am tired of letting him constantly disappoint me), this post really resonated with me. My own husband is so different from my father, and such a wonderful father to our two children, that I understand completely the love that you are describing for Charlie. Its amazing. How blessed we both are to have found it; and how blessed you are to have Tori today to celebrate it. Enjoy the day.

[Charlie]

17.

Cec -
In Tori's tiny face I see all the struggles you and I have endured, and all the joys yet to come. I could not imagine a life without you both.

[Stephanie]

18.

Cecily, you brought tears to my eyes (not typically an easy thing to do). I am so glad you and Tori have Charlie. I am so glad you have your family.

[Trish]

19.

Happy Father's Day, Charlie!!!

[Nancy]

20.

enough with the making me cry ovah here!
happy father's day charlie!!!
xoxo

[maia]

21.

I know Charlie must be having the most AMAZING Fathers Day, and that makes me so happy :)

Isn't it a lot like falling in love all over again? First with your baby and again with your spouse. Wonderful stuff.

[Nina]

22.

Aww, such a touching post! i have a Daddy sized hole in my heart too that i know my kids will never have.

[Dawn]

23.

That was a beautiful heart warming post Cecily. How lucky both you and Tori are to have Charlie (and vice versa), he seems like such a wonderful Daddy and somehow I think that Tori has already got him wrapped around her tiny little pinkie.
I thought about Charlie as I logged on this afternoon and came over to wish him a very Happy Father's day.

[Whitney]

24.

How lucky all 3 of you are to have one another. And what a beautiful post!

[Melissa]

25.

Well. That may well have been the most beautiful post ever! I'm so happy for you Cec. I agree, that watching my husbands eyes well up when he watches our son, is the most beautiful thing in my life.

Congratulations on your amazing family.

[Rev. Dr. Mom]

26.

omg, Cecily, you made me cry AGAIN!

Happy Father's Day to Charlie,heck, to all of you!

[christy]

27.

Thats sad that your dad left you the way he did, but I think its fantastic that you met such a sweet and caring man who will be a fantastic father for your little girl! You are really blessed!!!

[Kayla]

28.

There is nothing that compares with seeing a man fall in love with his child. It's beautiful.

[parodie]

29.

Goosebumps. Amazing, Cecily. Absolutely amazing. I'm so happy for all of you; God bless you all.

[BeenThere]

30.

"Hi Doll." How beautiful and how fortunate you are to all have each other.

[Hope]

31.

That's one of the sweetest things I've ever read. I can't say it enough, I'm so happy for your family.

[KelliAmanda]

32.

Dammit...crying now. :-) That was beautiful. Some of us who have dads who didn't leave still have dad-sized holes in their hearts, unfortunately. So very glad that you and Charlie have each other, and that Tori has you both. Here's to many more happy father's days.

[Surcie]

33.

I know very little about you, but it's clear that you both deserve all the love and joy parenthood can give. Happy Daddy's Day!

[Sam]

34.

This was beautiful. Again with the crying. The second post you've written that has made me do that. I hate crying. May have to stop reading. Hrumph. :)

Happy Father's Day Charlie. This kind of happiness was a long time coming for you two, and I'm so happy for you both.

[kathleen999]

35.

I know exactly what you mean. I have a big, 6'5" hole in me that will never go away. My boys will never have that and they will always know their daddy wanted them enough to fight to create them. And he is a big softie where they are concerned...it is so beautiful to watch. Very healing for me too.

[Melissa P.]

36.

I believe the three of you have enough love to conquer anything.
Charlie and you are so deserving to be parents. Tori is one lucky baby girl!
I am so happy for you Cecily, there are not
words to say it.
BLess the three of you~

[Sandy]

37.

With love like this, what else do ya need? You guys are amazing.

[Renee]

38.

Oh Cecily...

Tori is so blessed to have 2 wonderful parents!

I too feel lost at Father's Day but for a different reason. My Dad died 3 years ago - a sudden, shocking event in all our lives. Gone was the man who patiently (and I mean PATIENTLY) listened to all my stories...shared my love for Mel Brooks movies...hugged me everytime he saw me...made me laugh with all his silly antics (his squirrel stories are the best) and loved me to bits because I was the best thing on the planet. I knew he loved me!

Sounds like Tori has a man in her life that loves her to bits too! It's the best thing on the planet!

Continued joy and blessings to you all!

xo Renee

[Kier]

39.

I'm going to have to stop reading your blog without tissues in hand...really. Happy Father's Day, Charlie - and to you too, Cecily. This seems like a life-changing Dad's Day for both of you and it couldn't be happening to two better parents.

Much love to the three of you!

[Dana]

40.

dh's dad walked out when he was 8, today is our peanuts first bday and our 2nd fathers day, spfa has happened indeed, stay tuned it gets better and congrats AGAIN!

[victoria]

41.

Oh God, I love you so much. I didn't really have a dad, and married a guy who didn't want kids, and before reading your blog, was reading Anne Lamott on this subject. I don't know what I'm saying, except, I think you're really great and I'm happy for you. And for Tori, that lucky lucky little girl.

[JK]

42.

First time de-lurking but I have to say that was a beautiful post.

I couldn't be happier for you, Charlie, and Tori. She's just beautiful.

[Martha]

43.

God, the "dad-sized hole," how well do I know it. My father died (in the sort gruesome way alcholics die) eight months ago after a lifetime of complication and abuse. I've never loved this day. I hope, someday, that my dear Boy and I will be able to heal, in any part, that thing in my that my father broke so very long ago.

So much joy to you, Charlie and dear Tori!

[R]

44.

So beautiful. and I know what you mean...both my husband and I have issues with our fathers, and he's determined not to make the same mistakes his dad did. I know it will be healing for me to see that look on my husband's face when the time comes, God willing. How glad I am that you three have this time together!

Happy Father's Day, Charlie!

[Shannon @ Rocks in my Dryer]

45.

Long, long, long-time lurker coming out of the closet to tell you how happy I am for you. This post brought tears to my eyes--you are "oozing" closure in every word you write! "my heart is healing faster than my incision"--lovely. My very, very best wishes to your family.

[baseballmom]

46.

That was beautiful, Cecily. I, too have always had a hard time with this day, because my dad was not really "there" either...because he was a raging alcoholic. He robbed us of knowing the real him, and we all missed out on a lot. We also lost my grandpa, who was more of a dad to me than my real dad, last year. I feel lucky that for now, my dad is sober. It made the day a little better, and watching my boys with my husband also helps a lot. Reading your awesome post made it even better! Lucky, lucky girls, you and Tori...

[Lila]

47.

Dear Cecily, beautiful post. I'm all cracked up over here. It could be my words.

I say to myself whenever the pity about the dad-sized hole in my heart comes up (I will adopt this metaphor) - if I had to choose ONE good father, for myself or for my own children - which one would I take? No doubt.

Picking the Good Father for your child - it's so important, and you did it. Congrats and Happy Father's Day! It makes a reader happy to feel you healing.

[Heather]

48.

What a beautiful post to Charlie. What a lucky, lucky girl to have such wonderful parents.

49.

Beautiful post. Tori is a lucky little girl.

[erika]

50.

Absolutely wonderful. I'm so happy for your little family. I'm all teary now. ;)

[Susan]

51.

What a wonderful gift to your daughter, a family filled with love.

[Noelle]

52.

You don't have to reply to my comment... instead go give Tori kisses! :) I am so so so happy for you. Tori is scrumptious and indeed a lucky girl, to have two such wonderful and loving parents.

[Julie]

53.

Could you PLEASE post a tissue warning on these posts???? Good Lord woman I'm at work! (hehehehe)

Happy Father's Day Charlie!

[trish]

54.

Thank you, thank you for this post.
This is the 6th Father's Day my 5 y.o. son gets to spend with his Daddy. I've wrestled, wrestled, wrestled with that dad-shaped-hole; I am continually amazed (though not surprised) by the ways my own story opens up and heals (not always so succinctly or in a very pretty fashion) as I mother my son along side an amazing, compassionate man. Sometimes I just sit and watch -- soft-eyed and tender, my heart bursting with wonder and joy. Bless Charlie, bless Richard, bless all the Daddy's on the planet who enter the Daddy Dance with Steadfastness and Love.

AND -- Welcome Baby Tori! The world needs your voice, your wisdom, your sweet life. Give us everything you've got, little one!

[jennifer]

55.

Thank you for posting this. And thank god for men like Charlie.

[SandyC]

56.

In awe over here.

[Lisa O]

57.

My keyboard is soaked with happy tears. What a beautiful tribute to Tori's daddy - you are all such a lovely family.

[Ania]

58.

That is one of the most touching posts ever!
Congratulations to you both and happy (belated)Father's Day!

[Gretchen Stein]

59.

Beautiful.

[Sarah]

60.

You really must stop making me cry at work. Or I must stop reading at work. Either way, somethings gotta give!

Happy father's day Charlie! Enjoy!

[The Aitch]

61.

Charlie is all that and a bucket of chicken. We love him too. Oh and he is the bloggers husband everyone would most like to bag, remember?

[Julie O]

62.

I loved this. You definitely picked a first-rate man in your husband. I must say,over the years he's been a bit of a standard when I think of different men and how they treat their women. He's a catch in every way.

[Ellen]

63.

Hey! What's with the making me cry?

Happy first Father's Day, Charlie.

[shelli]

64.

aw man, I WANT Charlie for a dad!

Once again, Cec, I'm ALL verklempt!

[Carrie Jo]

65.

Wow, that seriously made me cry. I hope one day to see that look on G's face. And I also hope that medical advances will prevent any major dad-sized holes from forming in my future children's hearts.

[Rebekah]

66.

Beautiful. And may I say that the older Tori gets, the more you'll love Charlie for all the amazing ways he continues to love her. God's greatest gift in life it is ... besides Tori, of course!

[Stacie]

67.

Oh that's just a beautiful post! I'm so happy for you both your family :)

[Anne]

68.

Happy Father's Day, Charlie. You earned it!

BTW, have I mentioned how much I love her name? Not only does it have both Sarah and Anne in it (which rocks) but I've always loved the name Tori (probably something to do with being a Tori Amos fan).

Congratulations, again to both of you!

[Libby]

69.

stop.making.me.cry! ;)

This was beautiful.

[Stacy]

70.

Beautiful post. You're just beaming with love. Who'da thunk it?

[April]

71.

Wow, that was an amazing post. I am so sorry for the hole you have concerning your father. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional situation. I agree with the poster above who said that having to choose between having had an wonderful dad herself or for her child they would choose the great dad for your child. That's the way it ended up for me too. Sometimes I envy the relationship between my daughter and husband. He is a great dad - he gives her all the things I never received. I am sad for myself but so happy for her.

April

[queleanorirk]

72.

I remember feeling the same feelings for my husband when each of our daughters were born. He seemed to love them so much, and yet. . . things have gone so horribly wrong. My husband put on a good game face for a long time (with a few major lapses), but I think he was so horribly damaged by his childhood that he actually created a beautiful family in order to destroy us. He had to do to us what was done to him. I was horribly damaged by my childhood as well, yet my response to it, when I found myself with these children my husband had so desperately seemed to want, was to try to take care of them all--including my husband--like no other woman in the history of the world. It didn't make a bit of difference. He left me when my breast cancer metastasized, after 30 years of my being nothing but good and kind and true to him, for a woman just like his mother, a woman who dates around and leaves her kids to fend for themselves. His mother dated another man for 25 years. No divorce; she just spat in her husband's face every day, and still does to this day. She treated the family dog better than she treated my husband's father, and she wasn't overly kind to her kids, either. Her relationship with the other man was her priority. Any feelings she had, he got. They'd go out drinking, and her kids would make themselves Carnation Instant Breakfast the next morning before school. On her best day, she was cold to her children. They all recall her as tyrannical and terrifying. No noise, no mess was allowed. All three children shared one bedroom in a small city apartment, yet they were not allowed to set foot in the living room. That was for her company. Her kids were 8 and 6 and 4 when it started; it went on for 25 years. There's no undoing the kind of damage my husband suffered, and there will be no undoing the damage he has done to my daughters.

I reread this before posting, and I find that I have overused the word "horribly".

There is no other word, however.

Horrible.