Unfit

It turns out I'm a terrible mother.

First off, for about four hours yesterday, I was totally and completely done with the whole baby thing. Seriously. And why, yes, I AM a totally ungrateful bitch. Just for the record.

Charlie had gone to his mom's (she has Alzheimer's, so he goes out a few days a week to help her out), and I needed to pee really, really badly, and the baby (notice how she becomes "the baby" when I'm having a hard time) refused to be set down without crying. Well, not crying, really, but kvetching. She never really cries (ungrateful bitch! that's me!).

Plus, after three days blood free, I started bleeding again. And I bled on the god damned couch (God bless hydrogen peroxide--cleaned it right up). And I was out of real pads and only had panty liners left that lasted for a total of twenty-five seconds. Each. And my head hurt. And I wanted to eat something, but couldn't put the baby (again with "the baby") down long enough.

So I did her noon feeding, and I decided we would go up to bed and nap. If I couldn't eat or pee, at least I could nap.

We got up just as Charlie got home, and I gave him the baby and told him I needed a break. Even though he had a ton of work to do.

One toilet session and lunch later, I felt much better. Plus I broke down and took a pain pill, figuring that since I was having trouble standing upright without feeling like I'd been stabbed, it would be ok (I had to call and ask for more meds. Of course, I hadn't let Dr. Mama send me home with the normal amount. I tried to find out if there was a non-narcotic option, but there really wasn't, so now I'm rationing out my pain pills like crazy because I AM AN ADDICT and I'm terribly, terribly afraid of them). Within an hour or so, I was able to pick up Tori and cuddle her again, and I even realized that I'd missed her.

Please, please tell me this was hormonal and not the start of Post Partum Depression.

The rest of the day went fine. We went for a walk, and I mastered (sort of) the Maya Wrap for Tori which made the walk much less stressful on my lower back. We even added two blocks to the walk (yeah!).

Charlie and I have worked out the nighttime feedings pretty well (since the baby still won't latch, I don't have to be up for all of them). I do 9pm, then start the going to bed process around 10 or 11. Charlie does midnight, then brings Tori to bed (although Tori has been preferring the bassinet to co-sleeping the last few days; and yes, that noise you heard was my heart breaking). I do 3am (I pump then too). Charlie does 6am. We both usually get up for the 9am feeding. And, yes, Tori wakes up to eat exactly every three hours. She has her father's sense of time.

Last night during our 3am feeding, I had proof once that I am a horrible mother.

For some reason, the bottle got stopped up. I figured it was a lump of formula or something, so I extracted the bottle from Tori's I-wish-I-had-a-vacuum-with-that-kind-of-suction mouth to check it out.

It wasn't a lump of formula. It was a motherfucking ANT.

Now, we've had an ant issue in our kitchen since we bought this house. We've tried traps. We've tried to keep it spotlessly clean (HAHAHAHAHAhaha ug). Nothing seems to help. We are both resistant to the idea of spraying down our kitchen with some sort of toxic chemical, because of the pets, and now of course THE BABY.

But I thought we were keeping the ants out of her stuff. I really did.

At least she didn't actually swallow the ant, right?

Just call Child Protective Services now.

____________________________________

Thank you all for the compliments on the new photo. Sarah, of course, amazing photographer that she is, took it. We're thinking of using it for our birth announcement.

Moxie asked how Hammer is doing with the baby. I'm not sure.

We've worked hard to make sure that he still gets to do his favorite things every day--take a walk, chew tennis balls, be silly on the people bed, that sort of thing. But he seems to be in a state of resigned sadness.

We think it might be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Perhaps his previous owners tossed him on the street after they had kids (I found Hammer in March of 2000 on the streets starved nearly to death) or something like that. We'll never know, of course.

When he sees the baby, he sniffs her and kisses her and wags his tail at her. But when we walk around holding her, his eyes following us are filled with grief. It's terrible.

I'm hoping it will pass. After all, it's only been two weeks... and we'll never get rid of him. EVER. So perhaps he'll adjust eventually.

___________________________________________

Thank you all for encouraging us to get a new pediatrician. At first it seemed like too much work, but then Dianne (if you have a blog Dianne, let me know and I'll link it!) told me about a doc in my area that also is a lactation consultant. So we have our first appointment with her today.

I'm gonna ask her how soon we can go camping. Heh. Told you I was a terrible mom.

___________________________________________

Here is today's photo of Tori--and proof that she is basically unharmed, unless you consider using a binky harm (blame the hospital--we had no plans to give her one but they gave it to her during her 'car seat test' and now she's addicted. But the "happiest baby on the block" book says it's ok, so there):

Comments

[Sarah]

Don't ever say you are a 'terrible mother' just because you have a hard time with her once in a while. You would be an alien if you didn't have trouble sometimes!
Ants, schmants...if she eats one, its extra protein! Trick my mom taught me, though, is to sprinkly comet cleanser (or ajax, whatever) along the edges of the counters against the walls, and the floors too where they connect to the walls unless the pets would lick it up. Wherever you think they are coming in. It keeps them at bay.

Also, Hammer will adjust for sure...he just needs to be certain he's still important.

Lastly...if you EVER feel the need for a break and Charlie is not around, CALL ME! I will be over there in lightening speed! I was lucky, I always had at least one of my parents around when S. was a baby.
xo

[Naomi]

Ants are actually edible (not that I'm suggesting that you switch her over from breastmilk and formula to Ant Puree, but don't sweat it). And it's totally normal to get stressed out and upset when your clingy baby doesn't want to let you put her down for two seconds so you can pee. Does that help? :-)

[Ruth]

I am sure you're a wonderful mother. You just had a few difficult hours, like everyone does.

Re: the ants, my mom used to sprinkle something called "diatomaceous earth" around the edges of the counters to keep the ants away. I believe it's crushed up ocean fossils or something. Anyway, I seem to remember that it worked fairly well, and it's nontoxic and completely natural.

[Ally]

You're a wonderful mom - you know when you need a break and aren't afraid to ask for help. That's really, really important. Good heavens, I was thinking about my maternity leave the other day and how many days were spent walking a screaming child around the house, how I only ate what my wonderful husband had prepared for me ahead of time before he went to work each day, and how I'd start counting the minutes before he got home every day, and how I'd shove the baby at him, tell him "here's a bottle" (ardent bfer that I am!!) and go hide in the bathroom for a half hour.

So far, everything you're saying sounds perfectly normal to me. She's beautiful, the binky is fine, and no one ever died from swallowing an ant. Smooches to you!

Oh, and the way Hammer is acting sounds just like our older dog both when we brought the younger dog home, and when we brought Jamie home. He's just fine now too.

[Michele]

Beware - lots of assvice from someone who just foudn you yesterday (the nerve!)

I feel 'ya. Sounds like how I felt the second week. And no, I would not assume this is PPD, just normal new baby crappy stress.

My bleeding started up again after a two day hiatus, and it was worse the second time. I had a dr's appt and they assured me it was normal, albeit a pain in the ass. Lots of big fat pads.

Put her down and pee. I had twins, so I was unable to always hold both. Infant seats were my best friends. If you have pets you are worried about (I am still new to your blog but assuming that is who Hammer is:), bring her with you into the bathroom. Pee, shower, eat. She will survive. Being a good mother does not mean your child never cries.

Tylenol, and lots of it, was what I used. I was so goofy on the Percocet that I was afraid to be left alone with two preemies while taking it. It worked for me.

BAssinette preference - Just like adults have certain pillow and temperature preferences when we sleep - so do babies. My kids went through phases and she is prbably going to change her mind about her sleeping preferences MANY times. This week even.

PS- I was a L O N G time infertile before we had our twins. I used to get overwhelmed and exhausted and crabby with "those babies" and think I was an ungrateful bitch. Not so. It got easier by the week and I am the most grateful bitch ever now, at 15 months.

[Sylvie]

Funny on the ant. In Mexico, ant eggs are considered a delicacy and only served in the best restaurants. I haven't tried them yet, but perhaps I'll pass along your suggestion of ant con leche. Could be good...
Can't wait to meet Tori, hopefully I'll be back in town this summer.

[Bluepaintred]

you are a very good and wonderful mom it is totally hormomnes... really, its due to the fact you are a person not a robot !

ants... want to get rid of them? take cinamon and sprinkle it around the base of the wall where you see them most.. if you suspect they are coming in a door, sprinkle there, under the stove? move the stove and sprinkle it.. ants dont like cinamon... plus it wont hurt the animals or you

i took my baby camping at 5 weeks, it was a breeze we had a snuglie he was in it sleeping or eating and then for the night he was in a basinet, he loved to be swaddled till 8 freaking weeks so he was nice and warm for the night ( we went in may LOL)

does Tori still like to be swaddled?

[Katie/WannaBeMom]

I just have to tell you something you already know: she's absolutely beautiful.

[ktpupp]

You've taken on a whole new role in your life with an incredible responsibility. It's only normal to question your capabilities at times like that.

When Kayleigh was around a month old, I remember having feelings of being an unfit mother too...

I actually asked the pediatrician at one of our early visits "Is it normal to sometimes feel like I just want to throw the baby out the window?" (Note, I also used "the baby" when Kayleigh was particularly stressing me out!)

The ped's response? "Why yes it is, and as long as you don't actually do it you're fine" she said so matter of factly I wanted to kiss her!

So, if you're an unfit mother than so am I... You've met Kayleigh, I think she's turned out OK in spite of my "unfit" mothering! ;)

Take Sarah up on her offer, every mom deserves a break once in a while!

-=kt=-

[Jaycie]

Oh, I hate ants too! We get them all the time; in the bathrooms, kitchen and the kids' bedrooms if they leave so much as a damp towel on the floor. I've had pretty good luck with the Combat bait trays--in the cupboards and along the backsplash of the counters. But, I suppose if your kid's gonna eat ants we'd all prefer they were of the unpoisoned variety!

All new mother's need a break...even the one's who had to work their asses off to ever have a baby at all. Don't buy into the "you've been so blessed you should be sooooo grateful for every miserable moment" mindfuck that makes its way into your head. Motherhood can be/is hard. Thankfully, the joyful moments outweigh the bad or we would have disappeared as a species already! Definitely take Sarah up on her offer when you need to, even if you don't feel like you should need to.

Hang in there! LOVE these pics with her arm thrown up over her head...sooooo cute!

[BrendaS]

You don't spray the inside with ant killer... you get ORTHO and you spray around the OUTSIDE of the foundation.. kills them off within a day or two. We get ants every year in the spring and we usually only have to spray the outside one time.

Don't be afraid to use gas drops, tylenol, or even the tabs made by the teething tabs company for soothing baby. Forgot what they were called but they sure helped calm the girls down many nights.

And you're SO NOT A BAD MOTHER... we all have those days when "the baby" or in my case.. "the babies" make me want to jump off a cliff. It's hard enough being a first time Mom without having had a CSection to recover from... not to mention you're expecting WAY too much of yourself after being infertile for so long. Your expectations are higher because you waited and wanted this for so long, and when it isn't perfect, the disappointment in yourself is even greater than it normally would be. I go thru this all the time. That guilty feeling "but I wanted this for sooooo long.. if something goes wrong it's all my fault and i'm a horrible person". Perfectly normal. We all do it.

[Lisa]

Dude. Duuuuuuude. Don't feel guilty and don't feel like a bad mom. We've ALL felt that way, and it's totally normal.

I had a c-section, and part of what you're going through may be pain related. I know you're trying to not take pain meds, but it's better, much better, if you stay on top of the pain instead of taking meds only when it's excrutiating.

Remember, you've not only had a baby, but major surgery. Don't feel bad if you need a break. Take Sarah up on her offer!

[Cat, Galloping]

How about heavy duty Motrin for the pain? I remember being able to ditch the perc for that after a week.

I don't think it's (necessarily) hormones *or* PPD, I just think you were hungry and you needed to pee! Nothing wrong with putting her in a safe place and taking 2 minutes to pee, my friend, even if she screams the whole time. I also ate a lot of protein and cereal bars during the months when the kid did not permit me to put him down-- one-handed things are good.

ant. eww. when i was little, my parents found me on the floor of the kitchen with the back legs of an ant wiggling outside of my mouth.

[Darla]

When I needed to pee or just take a break, my son loved to sit in his bouncy seat in the bathroom with the water running. Apparently the sound of running water was very calming to him. Give it a try the next time you need to pee, brush your teeth/hair, or just need 2 minutes.

Your doing great and she is a beautiful little girl.

[Spacemom]

Don't sweat the ant. Worse things have happened.

Cecily,
Babies are HARD. Really. This is probably normal feelings. Don't be too hard on yourself.

However, I am a resident expert with PPD (my own, both kids) and feel free to email me with any concerns. I can give you my experiences.

Expect bleeding for a while. Like weeks. Really. Keep those "overnight" pads around for daytime use. For weeks. I kid you not.

And Tori can hang out in the Maya wrap while you pee. You don't want to turn out like Tycho Brahe, do you?

I forgot to mention, after 2 weeks I found that 800mg Motrin worked just fine. I still felt some pain in the incision, but at least I didn't feel so drugged up.

[dani]

http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/1-nl/411-natural-pest-control.htm

[Michele]

Ah, the hormones. I used to sob at dusk every night because that meant NIGHT was coming and THE BABY would have to eat, and I wouldn't get a full night's sleep. Talk about feeling like a horrible mom! I was so relieved when a) I realized it was the hormones, and b) it stopped about 2 weeks post-partum. I still counted the hours until Chris came home and I could hand E over to him and have some time to do some things by myself, but the sobbing stopped, at least.

As for the bleeding, I bled for 5 weeks. Luckily I had a few friends who told me to expect that, so I wore a pad all the time. Sorry I didn't mention that part to you. I guess I sort of forgot.

Love the picture. It would be PERFECT for your birth announcement.

When can I come meet Tori????

[Celeste]

Ant tabs always worked on my infestations of tiny ants. But the larger ones, well, I just don't know of anything to suggest. We just killed 'em as we saw 'em, and they seemed to have their season and be gone.

I went to make my daughter a bottle and found a spider had started a web in the nipple that was drying in the sink drainer. I blamed myself for not putting them away sooner, but geez, it's not like you can control every little thing. Give yourself credit like I did for catching it.

I don't think this is PPD because you are still quite active and you do experience happiness. These are just my barometers of it, though.

Something I had to learn was that it was okay to let them cry. My bladder was just not right for a long time post partum and I didn't have time to take care of a diaper etc., first before peeing. DD lived. I remember reading a For Better or For Worse cartoon around that time where the young couple's landlady tells the new mom to set a timer and let the baby wait for 10 minutes. Frankly, I believe I stressed myselt to the MAX thinking I had to be some kind of instant responder. IT WILL MAKE ANYONE FEEL RESENTFUL IF THEY ARE EXPECTED TO PERFORM LIKE A MACHINE. (This is verbatim from my mothering manifesto, LOL!!).

I also think you have to ask husbands to pitch in at your low points even if they are busy. There is a "new normal" in the house now, and it affects each and every one.

I became a terrible cat mom after having DD and have even considered finding them new homes many times, but DH is against it and so is DD, now. I've had to force myself to pay some daily attention to the felines, and even then I fail some days. Just do what you can. These fur-children have still got it pretty good even if you aren't as available. I'm not really there for A-N-Y-one in my life post-child like I was before. It's just a fact. I didn't plan it, but it just IS. I think this is a taboo thing women don't talk about. The mother 'hood is just so intense for me; it crowds out everything else.

[Melissa A.]

You might want to ask your doctor about the medication Ultracet. The medication is a bit expensive but there is a generic for it. And, from what my doc told me, it's non-narcotic. It doesn't really make you loopy. Only takes the pain away.

BTW, Tori is just breathtaking.

[Alisa]

OK, as for the post-partum thing - you sound completely normal. It gets overwhelming at times, I was the exact same way. I just wanted someone to hold her so I could pee and eat! It got so much better so fast. Tori's schedule sounds a lot like my Syd's schedule, and she started sleeping through the night at like 3 weeks! Hopefully Tori will work out something like that soon.

As for the dog, we have 3 large dogs, and one was acting very depressed after we brought the baby home, He seemed to perk up a bit but now is back to acting all depressed. In our case, we think his health might be failing. He's a 15 y.o.(going on 16) lab mix and has aged very quickly over the past year or 2.

As for the binky - We, too were a HBOTB family. We're all about the swaddling! We just stopped swaddling Syd at around 4 months, and she sleeps like a rock. She used to love the binky but as soon as she discovered her hands, it was out, and replaced by the two middle fingers.

As for the latch issues- We had to use a nipple shield for her failure to latch. She kept popping off and screaming. It was exhausting. I insisted that she was going to be breastfed, hence the nipple shield. It wasn't until Syd was 3 months old that I could go without the shield. I later discovered that Syd had a short frenulum (a tongue tie) that was anchoring her tongue so that she couldn't stick it out far enough to pull on the nipple and feed. They had checked her in the hospital, but apparently missed it. Either way, she seemed to start feeding corectly around the same time I started to notice her sticking her tongue out a bit. She never was able to do it before. Now she feeds like a champ.

Keep up the good work! You're doing an awesome job!

[sweetchaos]

you're doing great. one foot in front of the other, my dear. that's all you can do.

you must pee first before tending the baby. it's like the air mask in airplanes - secure your so you can help othters.

[Jen]

If you weren't a good mother, you wouldn't be feeling guilty.;) Do what feels right to you. Trust yourself. And tale Sarah up on her offer! And I ditto the 800mg Motrin. I found (and I have never been addicted) that the percocet actually made me feel worse, but I kept wanting to take them. The motrin worked fine for the incison pain, and I didn't feel so muddled.

[Jenn]

There, there, honey. You're just a new mom... everything you said is TOTALLY normal. I think most of us have probably offered to make a no-strings-attached gift of a newborn at one point or another, to the Fedex guy or the nice grandmotherly type cashier at the grocery store. It ain't easy! But the next couple of (weeks, months, years) are going to FLY by. And you just wait till she smiles at you... I think it usually happens about 6 or 7 weeks, and it will make everything before it seem like nothing.

Do you have a baby swing? If I had not had the Fisher Price Ocean Aquarium Cradle Swing, I swear to God I probably would not have peed or taken a shower, unless my husband was home, before my son was four months old. If you don't have one, run run run to Target this afternoon and get it, along with a big supply of "D" cell batteries. It will be the best $100 you ever spent.

AND, ps, about the ant. Don't worry about it, that doesn't make you a bad mother either. When she gets mobile and develops the pincer grasp, you won't believe what she'll find on the floor and eat.

[Catherine]

When I was little, I used to eat ants on purpose. The red ones. True story.

I have a question, being kid-free (and this is a serious question and I hope it doesn't start a flame war): do you have to always prevent the baby from crying? Because I didn't know that. I thought they just cry sometimes...