Release

I find myself thinking quite often of how I was a year ago. I see by looking at my July archives that I was visiting the RE to gear up for trying again, preparing to settle on our new house and move, and then buying everything in sight to furnish it.

What I don't see clearly in those post is how fucking depressed I was.

Prior to losing the twins, Charlie and I spent the summers camping and hiking to our heart's content. We usually logged about 30 nights a summer under the stars, and probably hiked over 50 miles a month. But not last summer. Last year we barely managed a dozen nights out, and I think we hiked maybe twice.

At the time I blamed it on the move; but now I now that the entire house hunting/buying/moving thing was actually a treatment for my depression and grief. Don't get me wrong--I'm thrilled we moved, I love our new house and the park and playground a block away. This is the right place to raise Tori. But I spent all last summer in a locked-down emotional state, knowing that we were going to try to get pregnant again soon.

I think I wasn't sure I could survive another pregnancy; and I'm talking this time only emotionally.

Last year, there is no way I would have walked a mile across town to go see the local fireworks*. I would have either a) driven there; b) not bothered to go, claiming to not want to deal with crowds or c) made excuses about how I don't really give a shit about fireworks any way (which is a total lie).

The fact that I'm willing to walk anywhere is evidence of my depression lifting. The fact that I think about walking every day is astonishing. The fact that I cannot WAIT to go camping again, even with the additional stress of having an infant with us, is more proof that I feel normal.

I feel better now than I have felt in over two years.

I'm sure, given time, I could have gotten to this place without having a child. But Tori is speeding up my healing process so much. I hesitate to talk about this; I know that there are so many still in the trenches of infertility and loss, and I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or smug.

But my truth is simply that I feel better than I have for two years and it's all because of a little ten-pound (I'm guessing, we'll know next week!) girl named Victoria Anne Sarah**. Without her, I would still be struggling.

The weirdest thing about this speedy healing is that I have come to finally be able to really and truly say goodbye to the boys. It's so strange; part of me now knows more fully what I've lost; I mean, once Tori was here I could more clearly visualize what it was, exactly, that I'd lost.

But the deeper truth is that I cannot imagine a world where Tori doesn't exist. And the simple fact is that if the twins had lived, Tori would not be here.

The gifts Nicholas and Zachary have given me are tremendous. They taught me how to love, and then they taught me how to grieve, and now they are teaching me how to let go. Their brief lives taught me how to argue discuss without anger and how to be compassionate to the views of others--a trait I seriously lacked before I lost them.

And now their sacrifice, if you want to call it that, have given me the little girl I always dreamed of. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world, and know that I am really and truly blessed.

Thank you, Nick and Zach. I miss you, even more than before, but I thank you for your brief visit to my life. You have given me so, so much. You taught me how to be a mother and how to love your little sister. I do not regret any of it now. Not one minute. Thank you.

________________________________________

* Yes, we took Tori to the fireworks. Don't worry-- I smushed her one ear against my massive boobs and held my hands over the other one. When they got really loud, Charlie added his hand. I am so glad we went--the fireworks locally are AWESOME, and we got all covered in ash and cinders (don't worry, a blanket covered Tori) we were so close. And they lasted over 35 minutes. Very, very cool. Oh, and we converted the Bugaboo from a pram to a stroller, and Tori LOVES it. She looked like a can of corn rolling around in the pram, and the stroller setting--laid flat, of course--really cradles her. It's awesome.

** We got Tori's birth certificate and social security card (although they left the Sarah off the SSC, sadly). So very, very, very cool.

Comments

[Jen]

I totally understand every single thing in your post. I've been there, and I know the conflicting emotions it brings.

[Spacemom]

((Cecily))

[Amy]

That was beautiful. I can't pretend to understand the grief you felt (feel) over the loss of your boys, but I do know how powerful and miraculous the love of an infant is. I am happy that you and Charlie have finally been able to experience it.

[Kay]

Beautiful post, Cecily. I'm so happy for you.

Bless your family - Charlie, You, Tori, Nicholas, and Zachary!

PS - I brought my 9 week old infant out for New Year's fireworks last year. Good job!

[Anam]

well doen you. I am glad that you have and are growing with every day. enjoy the little moments - they teach you the size of the world.

[Jenn]

I'm finding the same thing as this pregnancy progresses. I'm fully realizing what I lost when I lost the other two babies. As happy as I am about these two, I'll always miss my other two.

[Heatherg]

WTF?

No pictures of Tori in this post?
What are you trying to do to me?
We're gonna hafta discuss our internet friendship!

[Elena]

Cecily, I think only the birth of another child can heal the loss of a child. I know women can indeed move past it without giving birth again, sometimes they have to, but nothing can fill that empty space they way another child can. I totally get what you're saying.

Glad you had a good 4th!

[Heatherg]

Whew.......

Okay- i'm safe now, i went on over to Charlie's site to get my dose of Tori-photos, so there's no need to call an ambulance.

I'm stable.

My thanks to charlie, i simply wasnt sure i was gonna make it through out the day! lol

[Celeste]

It's okay to heal, Cecily. It's part of the plan. And if it happens sooner than you think it should...don't fight it. ;o)

[Sherry]

Please don't worry about bragging or sounding smug at all! At least for me - one of my big fears is that "if" we are lucky enough to have a real live baby after our struggles and losses - that the depression WON'T lift, and I will still carry this deep sadness with me all the time.

Reading your post gives me hope that just maybe, someday, that sadness will start to lift.

And it also just makes me so stinking happy for you and Charlie and Tori! :-)

[Michele]

Youre doing a great job with Tori, take her everywhere and anywhere..they are more study than they appear.

Ive said it before... but as someone who is still in that hole if loss and unbelief at this process of secondary infertility,its still comforting to watch someone who truely deserves a baby get one.

[Sarah]

AWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

*sniff*
Love you.

[Amanda]

Even my two close friends who had miscarriages fairly early on were never quite themselves again till they had another baby. I'm so happy that you're happy as a mother!

[wealhtheow]

Woman, you rock. Your boys gave you amazing amazing gifts* but you are every bit as amazing to learning how to accept those gifts.

*They've given me some gifts too. Often when things are hard I think about your experience and feel so so grateful. And when I'm down in the throes of the anti-women's health movement (so much bigger than pro-choice these days), I think of the discussion on your blog and how gracefully you handled everything, and it gives me the strength to pick myself up and keep fighting.

[Jackie]

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully! I've said it before and I will say it again, Tori is lucky to have you.

[Stacy]

Life is so precious. Losing it only makes you appreciate so much more what you have.

Funny. I'm into a very similar subject today, only mine is more depressing.

[The Aitch]

I totally understand what you were saying about the gits thaat Nich and Zach gave you.

Wonder why SS left Sarah off her name? I have two middle names (long ones too) and my card holds them.

[Ellen]

Glad you're back!

[cj]

I read your post and I am all teary... You've arrived. I've had similar thoughts and feelings since the loss of our daughters, but after the loss there was a challege.... and today the challege crawled to me and said "momma". I have seen a whole different world after Grace, and truly it is through Grace I said good bye and felt at peace inside.

wonderful

[Linda B]

Sniff - this post makes me so happy for you.

And of course you like walking - you've got a bugaboo, after all! ;)

[Kerry]

I just got my July newsletter from my local SHARE support group, the topic being subsequent pregnancy. I'm just floored thinking that in a few short weeks I'll hold a new baby, yet I almost can't remember holding an itty bitty born too soon baby. It's strange how letting go of the suffering and the pain is a healing move. I was sure two years ago that I'd never feel like a whole person again. I was sure I'd never get the chance to love another baby again, that my whole motherhood-to-be was over for good. I'm so glad that my heart is healing and soon my empty arms will be filled again. The baby memories have faded, they'll never go away, but they can be replaced with these new memories and so much joy to come.

I'm so glad you've got Tori, and your boys. It really does make a huge difference once we've allowed ourselves time to grieve AND heal from these terrible losses.

[R]

What a beautiful, honest post. It's so wonderful to hear about you reaching this point, and how gratifying it must be to look back and see what a different place you're in now and all the growing you've done. That's an inspiring thing.

P.S. And what's up with the system not being able to handle 2 middle names?? Too well do I know that problem. :)

[Cindi]

We become who we are because of where we have been and what we have experienced. Each life that touches ours leaves it's unique fingerprint helping us to better understand each step of our way.

You are so lucky to have had all three of them. And now to have Tori tucked safely in your arms, makes the two tucked safely in your heart even more precious.

Hugs and prayers,

Cindi
three beautiful ones in my arms, five tiny ones in my heart

[Julie]

What a beautiful post!