Addicted

I'm telling you, I jonesed for heroin less than I jonesed for Tori yesterday. By the time I got off the train, I was shaking. I actually physically hurt with the need to touch her and kiss her. I'm not sure I fully understood the term "smothered with kisses" before I got in the back of the car and began kissing her.

God, it was awful.

I spent the whole evening with her. I have sworn off home computer use for the time being so that I can spend all my time touching and holding Tori. By the time I went to bed, I felt normal again. And then I got in bed with her after I did my 5 am pumping session so I'd have just that much more physical contact with her (usually, Charlie gets up with her around 4am and feeds her, and then they go to the guest bedroom so that I can get more sleep; Charlie is gifted with near narcolepsy and I am a bad, bad sleeper so this arrangement works very well). It was heavenly.

And, oddly enough, today isn't nearly as bad. I still miss her, but the day is half over and the ache isn't physical yet. I think I might survive. Yesterday, I wasn't so sure. Plus, Charlie says she's less cranky today, so I think she'll adjust. And how awesome is it that they get to bond in that way? She's already deeply bonded to me, so I think it will be good. Right?

Right.

Thanks for all your supportive words. It helped. It also helped that Charlie sent me this photo yesterday in the middle of the day (captioned "WE MISS YA"):

The only thing that still plagues me is the whole global balance of the universe; just a small thing, really. Heh. I'm not sure if I'll be able to say what I mean here, but hopefully you'll understand...

The fact is, even though I love my job and I work for a great place (an art college) doing a great thing (selling student and alumnae artwork), working here isn't the way I can contribute the most to the world. I see that now. I mean, I'm glad I have a job where I do some good--and certainly one where I don't do any harm--but it is hardly the best use of me. The best use of me would be parenting my daughter. What I do at my job is nothing--a drop of beauty in a sea of indifference--but raising Tori is where I can really impact the world, truly make a difference. How is it that I couldn't see that until now? I always have believed that parenting is the most important job in the world, but very few of us are in a position where we really get to do it full time.

And that makes me immensely sad.

While I was pregnant, and even while I was trying to get pregnant (all four years), I always believed that I was not full-time parenting material. But now I know that I am--that the idea of raising my daughter myself and yes, even homeschooling her, sounds exactly right. It's what I want to do with my life. All these years of drifting from job to job, I finally have found the career I want.

But it doesn't have a paycheck. There are no health benefits. It simply isn't possible for me, for my family, right now--as our financial situation stands. And I do like my job and enjoy it, and the folks I work for and with like me (you'd think I was a missing heir to the throne, the way my co-workers and bosses have embraced my return).

So, like so many other Americans, I will continue to work the job I have instead of the one I love. And I'll keep playing the lottery so that maybe that can change.

_______________________________

I haven't mentioned this here yet, but since many of you have posted about it in the comments I guess I should just say that I am quoted in an article in this month's issue of Glamour Magazine. Suddenly, I feel pretty.

Comments

[brandi]

I know exactly how you feel! Before I had J and even the entire time I was pregnant I didn't think I would have a problem at all having to return to work.
Then I had to go!

Glad today is better!

[baggage]

Loved what you said here about mommyhood. I've discovered the same thing myself. And I'm very lucky to not need the paycheck or health insurance (Yay for breaking myself in the military)

And congrats on the Glamour thing! How damn cool!

[Naomi]

Really really good article!

[DoctorMama]

I was a little afraid that I would feel that way too, and relieved that I didn't -- but a part of me wonders, am I just not a mother kind of person? (NOT in a guilty, I-should-be-home way; I just wonder why the experience is so different for different people.) I know I love my baby like crazy and want to do everything I can for him, but when it's just him and me together, staring at each other, I know deep in my bones that he needs something more than me. I don't have what it takes, whatever that might be.

It is awesome that Charlie can have this time -- my husband stayed home for six weeks after I went back, and he says it was the best thing he's ever done (and a lot harder than he expected). The first week of actual daycare was a lot harder for me, but it did get better day by day.

[Tara]

Congrats on the mention in the article, Cecily. I enjoyed it.

[liz]

Woo-hoo Glamour!!!

The first few weeks are the hardest to be back at work, but it will get better.

[Julie]

You know, I read the article in Glamour last week and totally meant to give you a big shout out and and spaced. CONGRATULATIONS! It was really really cool!

[-erica]

I understand what you are saying, but think of it another way - you ARE contributing to her health and well-being via your salary. You are helping to pay for her baby gym classes and swim lessons and college tuition, not to mention a secure roof over her head and warm food in her tummy. What you are doing does make a difference. In my family I get to stay at home with my kids, but what my husband does, leave each day to go to a job, is just as important to our family. Thank goodness you LIKE your job - lots of people don't, but have to tear themselves away from their kids anyway.

[Amy]

Glad today is better.

And I know what you mean on the mommying thing -- I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but also always knew I wasn't likely to be a SAHM. While I still work part-time, and I still question my ability to ever be a full-time SAHM, I do believe that mothering my children, and raising them to be good people, is by far the most important thing I'll ever do.

[KelliAmanda]

So sorry that you can't do the job you truly love full time. But when I think about how fortunate Tori is to have a mom who actually realizes that being a mom is the most important thing...well, let's just say she's pretty damn fortunate to have you, and Charlie too. Hope it gets better soon.

[Sarah]

I will keep hoping that things come together in the right way and you end up with either a book deal or a regular paying writing gig for one of these online Mom magazines. If these other women could get gigs, then so could you!
Then you can be a stay-at-home blogger/mother! :-)

You are the most beautiful mother I've ever seen, Cecily...and I swear to you I am not just saying that. I was struck by it so strongly the first few times I saw you with Tori...you are a natural. You were made to be a mother. Not all of us were.
No matter what, Tori is the luckiest little girl to have you and charlie as parents.
xo

[Libby]

Hey look at you! all famous and stuff.

Glad today was better.

[spit]

I might have to renew my subscription now

[Cat, Galloping]

I also never dreamed that I would want to be a full time mom until my baby was born. i knew, in theory, that i wouldn't know how i would feel until the time came, but still i thought i knew. i really didn't think i'd be a *good* mother, for some reason. i mean, good in the broad sense, but not necessarily good with the day in, day out. but i have honestly and truly loved every single day with this kid and i'm wondering if raising him isn't the one true thing i was meant to do with my life. like you, though, i don't have a choice, other than playing the lottery and hoping my husband's old company goes public!

do you think you could get your writing career going somehow? if you made enough money from a book, you could work flexible hours, from home, and have the best of both worlds. i guess that's what charlie does?

[Jackie]

Ceiliy, it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and Tori will get that. She will know that although you love her more then anything in the world, part of loving her is working to help pay the bills. She will get that.

And congrats on the article! That's too cool!

[Rosemary Grace]

I suspect this is how I will feel when I get around to having kids. This is one reason I'm half planning to raise them in the UK (jobs and husband's happiness allowing), at least in the UK being a full time stay at home mother DOES have health benefits: the NHS.

I hope somehow you get your wish to spend more time with her, she's already so lucky to have you two for parents.

[Katie]

Wow, so awesome to be quoted! Did they ask your permission to? I wonder how many people read your blog after reading that article. Do you feel like your privacy was a tad invaded or do you welcome the general public into your world?

[JL]

Oh man, have I been there - as I'm sure a LOT of other mothers. I am extremely jealous of people who do get to stay home. I am extremely guilt-ridden to have to work and have my child in daycare or latchkey. I worry everyday that she will resent me for it later on. I worry that I spend too much time ragging on her about cleaning up or doing her homework and not enough time just appreciating what an awesome kid I have. I hate it. I have always hated it - but I am with you - until I win the lottery, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

[JL]

PS - What an ADORABLE family you have! OMG I'm so jealous! Who wouldn't want to be at home with them every minute of every day?!

[Ally]

Parenting is, and should be treated like, a public good. We all benefit when parents have the resources to do their job in the way that suits their family the best. That's why I still get so sad about working sometimes, because I agree with you, for me, being at home with my child would be the best use of me at this point in both our lives.

[ktpupp]

"...parenting is the most important job in the world..." Absolutely, and it is just as important if you are a stay-at-home mom or a work-outside-the-home mom!

You will be influencing Tori no matter what. I have no doubt that even working outside the home, your participation in Tori's growth and development will be huge, larger probably than most parents these days.

If working at the gallery brings in a paycheck, or insurance, or anything else that helps you, Charlie and Tori then it is part of parenting.

Here's a story from my experience:
When I first left Kayleigh's dad I felt guilty for making such a selfish decision. Choosing to leave that awful relationship for my own personal benefit, while removing Kayleigh from day-to-day life with her dad seemed so selfish.

It wasn't until I began to heal and grow as a person on my own that I realized leaving him was neccessary for me to be the best mother possible to her. In the relationship, I was always hurting (mentally and physically) and could not be the mom I needed to be because I was devoting so much of myself to "coping". Leaving him may have removed him from her life to some extent (the rest is his fault for not keeping in touch afterwards) but it gave her the mom she couldn't have had if I had stayed. I think it worked out for the best...

Similarly, by working, you are not taking anything away from Tori, but rather are providing for her and keeping the household stable and comfortable. If the time comes where you guys are in a situation where you can stay home, go for it, but don't feel guilty because you can't right now. Think how much worse it would be for Tori if you didn't work and you guys were struggling financially (moreso than we all are while working) and didn't have health insurance, etc.

(sorry this was so long!)

[Schnozz]

That Glamour article was pretty interesting, namely because it seemed to long for a time when you weren't allowed to say "pregnant." I kind of understood where the author was going, but I was also thinking, "But ... hasn't the role of Mom been marginalized for centuries? A few decades ago, didn't women WANT the role of Mom to become appreciated, glamorous, revered?"

I'm sure the answer is a happy medium. It usually is. All the same, I was surprised to see the "baby mania" portrayed in such a negative light.

Of course, celebrity mania is a whole other topic. (Ugh!)

[Essie]

You are doing what is best for Tori right now, providing her with a safe, healthy, happy home and health insurance and all that she needs. How fortunate that her Dad gets to baby-sit! So cool that you were quoted in that article!

[Vanda]

Ever since I fould your blog, I've thought that you remind me so of my daugher who lives in California. Everytime I read your blog it's like seeing a picutre of my daughter every day.

My daughter IS beautiful, no matter what the scales say she is.

I have to tell you, that if my daughter is beautiful then you must be too.

Sadly I don't see my daughter very often so thanks for being you.

[Jo-Ann]

WOW Glamour but then again I alaways known how Glamorous you are heck you showed me how to use makeup at 35 LOL

As for stay at home parenting........You totally get why I went back to a stinky bar job and gave up a "career path job". I don't love to bartend and 2 mornings a week life SUCKS when I have gotten 2 hours sleep and it is time to be Mom but I get to be here all day and I feel like everyday I have won the lottery. When R was born I never thought this would be possible but life changes and you get opportunities at times you may never expect!

I hope you get your wish..........
Your girl is lucky to have such an amazing advocate in her corner.

Jo-Ann