Uncommon Bravery

I read Julia's latest post over at Uncommon Misconception with great interest. Julia and I are totally kindred spirits, both because of elements of our fertility history and because we're both writers and, of course, because I am so a skinny blond on the inside. Plus she is also the proud mama of an uncommonly beautiful little girl. Ahem.

Go on over and read it, and read her archives while you're at it. Done? Good.

Like me, Julia was faced with an unbearable decision to make about her son's life (read her testimony to the Texas State Legislature that tells the story here). Unlike me, her life wasn't at stake, other than her terribly broken heart. Like me, the prospect of delivering our children was unbearable--because they would have suffered unbearable pain and agony the entirety of their short lives. Mine because I was only 22 weeks pregnant and he was terribly, terribly small (being a twin) and hers because of a horrendous set of medical conditions.

She's been asked to tell her story again, this time in a book. And she's wondering if she should use her real name. Because a bunch of wingnuts in this country could consider harassing or even worse, killing her to be a rational and reasonable reaction to her having exercised her legal right to take the best care of her son she could.

And that makes me steaming, hopping mad.

I completely understand her fear. I've kept my last name and town a secret in this blog until very recently (Glamour blew my cover), at first because it seemed that everyone did, and then because after I lost the boys I was really afraid. Afraid that the people that sent me hate mail and left horrible comments here would show up to march outside my house, or to beat me senseless, or kill my dog.

Having an abortion is no longer something to just be ashamed of; it's something to keep secret for safety's sake. What if you employers find out? Your neighbors? The guy who sells you your coffee every day? No one wants to put themselves at risk, nor do we want to have to explain ourselves to outraged individuals who think they have some right to have a say in our lives.

If I were in Julia's shoes, I would use my real name. Because I believe that we need to rise above that fear and shame. Ms. Magazine is organizing a "We Had An Abortion" Campaign (you can sign the petition and put your name on the list here). I signed my name, not proudly, but honestly.

And most of all, we need to remind people that no one chooses an abortion easily. Every woman I know that has had one agonized over the decision the same way Julia and I did. And having Tori, now, I can see so much more clearly what I lost.

But I still know I made the right choice.

Julia will make whatever decision is right for her, and I will support her. I completely understand her motivation in keeping her name quiet (especially considering the redness of her state!). But she shouldn't have to worry about it, damn it. She did nothing wrong.

Comments

[DebbieS]

I just had to tell you, I have goosebumps all up and down my arms now. I'm so proud of you and Julia.

[Heatherg]

Jesus, what an ordeal. I simply cant imagine.

That is all i can say right now.

[lynn]

You are so brave. And so is she, no matter what she chooses. I had never read her and Thomas's story and it broke my heart.

[Whitney]

No one should ever have to make that choice, but women like you ahd Julia will help someday make it possible for everyone to CHOOSE.

[Ceece]

God, it's a decision I hope I never have to make, and it's a bullshit question to ask anyone who's not in that situation. It's like when I was little and would ask my mom who she liked better, and if she had to choose one of us to live (i know morbid right? me or my sister, (her response was always, can't I just have you both crippled?)

Uggh I don't even know what to say other then I am just sick that people would use this as an opportunity to push their dysfunctional fucked up point. Stupid people saying they are Christians. Bullshit a true Christian would be there to hold your hand and assure you that at least your babies don't have to suffer anymore. That's what I'd do anyway.

[ladykuri]

Oh ugh.....people who would dare question or condemn someone in the situation you guys have been in need beaten. That's all there is to it, they are stupid, narrowminded and cruel. It just sickens me that someone would have the audacity to say they know better than the woman facing that choice, no matter what her reasons!*

Ugh ugh ugh!!! I am so disgusted at people's need to condemn others.....

*note: There are some instances where close friends/family *may* know enough about the situation to have valid input. Just not strangers or casual acquantinces. They never do.

[The Aitch]

That's the truth. Both of you women will always have my undying love.

[Julie]

It's crazy-- sometimes I go into this weird denial about the state of our country. I think, oh, it's the 21st century, progress is all around us. Then I think about abortion and the backlash in attitudes and the physical violence around it. 20 years ago, it was a completely personal and private issue. Now, it amazes me that while we have something as thoroughly modern and spectacular as the internet, women who've chosen, for WHATEVER reason, to end a pregnancy have to keep their identities as secret. Progress? I think not.

[Celeste]

The religious right is neither.

[Naomi]

Amen.

[Christine]

A very wise physican once told me that he had never encountered a woman who WANTED an abortion, just women who had come to the heart-wretching conclusion that it was in the best interest of their family, the pregnancy, or possibly themselves.
Woman such as yourself and Julie are to be commended for your honesty. I along with many I am sure, thank you.

[Kayla]

I'm really ashamed to say this, but before I started reading blogs (this one, Julie, the two Julias, Tertia...) I was a really staunch pro-lifer. I saw it as a black and white decision. Judged the women I knew who had made the decision to abort. But now, my heart aches for you and Julia (and many other women) to have had that decision to make, and I totally understand the grey areas. Y'all have broadened my view, and made me realize that things aren't as clear cut as they appear. Thank both of you for that.

[wealhtheow]

Wow. I don't know what I can say about this, except that you both have my support and love.

[Charlie]

First let me say that folks with views as insane as Ann Coulter's used to be found spewing their bile only in subway stations, and usually from beneath a tinfoil hat. But in her batshit hateful craziness, she has again given fuel to the misconception that liberals get abortions the way most people order pizzas. If one idea needs to be struck down, it is this. And it is going to require braving a storm of hatred and insanity from those who identify themselves with a religion that promotes, above all things, compassion and understanding. If that isn't enough to wrap any sane person around the axle, I don't know what is.

I do not envy Julia's position, nor would I wish to nudge her in one direction or another as regards her anonymity in publication. It is a sad comment on our times that one must even consider concealing her identity when discussing issues such as these.

As for her dilemma, what always works for me is the "Anne Lamott test." (Cec, you already know this stuff, but other readers may not). I envision each decision in my head...just the decision, mind you, no further. Then I see how I feel afterward. So, for example, I'd picture myself using my real name in the book, then see how I feel. Then I'd imagine using the pen name, and assess my feelings again. Chances are, the answer will be more clear.

Best of luck to Julia.

[parodie]

I find it interesting how this decision parallels the choice many queer folk make about being out everyday - do they hold their partner's hand, or will that guy beat them up? Not because the guy is particularly threatening - he might not warrant a second glance in any other circumstance - but ... you never know... And bosses, or friends - what will they say? Of course, it depends on where you live, but it's a mental juggling act and one so many people play all the time, even in pretty darn "safe" places (like up here in Canada!).

It's hard to stand up for something when others are silent. But do know that the fear is probably holding us back unnecessarily. Most people - silently - support your choice, and your ability to choose. But of course we all just wish it didn't feel like such a heavily-condemned choice.

[KLynn]

I ache for you both, and the tough choices you were forced to make. And now to have to make another tough choice about anonymity. What a shame that the majority of our society is so judgemental.

What's really sad, too, is that I feel I have to censor my comment, in case someone should figure out my real identity (which likely wouldn't be too hard). I have so much I could say on the subject, but I have kids to protect, so here I am biting my tongue.

Whether or not she decides to use her real name, I hope she tells her story. If one heart is changed or touched by her story, then it is a victory for everyone.

[Lala]

not to ignore the topic but what was that you slipped in about Glamour?

[sweetchaos]

your bravery to be so honest inspires me all the damn time...

you're rapidly moving to the top of my hero chart, my dear!

[JennyK]

What a shame that this is even something that you & Julia & others even feel the need to be worried about. We never got to the point where we were in that situation, but we were a step away from it while awaiting the amnio results for DD three years ago. I thank God every day that for us it was a temporary worst-case scenario.

I do know that going through the scare we went through and learning from others' experiences has definitely changed the way I view 'abortion' and the importance of making sure the options are open for all women.

[Roxanne]

THAT is why abortion needs to remain legal. It makes me sick that whenever pro-lifers talk about abortion they make it sound as though it's all irresponsible women who just want to get rid of the babies they could care less about. Are there women out there like that? Sure. But there are also women who have to make heart wrenching decisions to continue or not continue a pregnancy when the baby is not going to live either way, or be so horribly disfigured that its quality of life would be awful. Or women like you who would die if you were to continue the pregnancy. And that's not even getting started on the myriad other reasons that are all in shades of gray. But nobody wants to talk about that because they can't imagine it happening to them or their loved ones. They lack empathy. It's so much easier if you believe that life is simple and that it really is all black and white. My baby was "aborted" from my body and I WANTED him. I never thought it could happen to me. It made me MORE pro-choice than I ever was, especially when I met other women who had to make those choices and I saw the pain they had endured.

[car]

The other side is why do women who have abortions need to talk about it at all? There's the fear of going public that's the topic here, but why should they even have to consider it? Why should they feel obligated to tell their stories? It's legal, it's a personal decision. I think it's sad that people can't be convinced by the sheer logic that women should get to make the best decisions for themselves, but instead need many tearjerker stories to make them believe it, and that some women feel coerced to tell all to somehow prove that they made the right decision. (not to prove to themselves, but to prove to the busybodies sticking their noses in it). The only thing people really need to know is that women can be trusted to be responsible with their own bodies, and they have damned good reasons for whatever they do.

[Frieda's daughter]

I've always admired you for being open about your abortions. I'm still in the you-tell-me-yours-I'll-tell-you-mine stage, 18 years later. I'll tell sympathetic friends, but I don't want it to be common knowlege that I had an abortion at 20 to avoid the adoption-marriage-single mother choice.

Mentally, I KNOW that everyone (even Ms. Cunlter) knows someone that had an abortion, probably more than one person. But we don't talk about it. We don't talk about being in high school or college or a rocky marriage and thinking "I just cannot do this right now." I'd rather talk to returning vets from Iraq about their experiences than admit I had an abortion.

Fuck it my name's on the Ms. web site now.

[RainbowW]

what i wrote on julia's blog:

if the determined fanatics want to shoot you, you'll get shot at, pseudonym or no. your name and your face are on your blog (even if not your last name), as well as your story, of course. you testified before the texas legislature under your real name, and anybody with enough time on their hands can dig that up and connect your story to your pseudonym.

instead, be a texan: mount an M-60 on top of your house.

[Amy]

In this day and age I cannot believe admitting to an abortion as a 'sin', something to be ashamed of. What happened to our rights as a woman? What happened to what is best for the mother and the child? Where did abortion get drudged up as crime again? Last time I looked it up here in Canada women still have the right to choose, in whatever situation. And I belive this to be the ONLY civilized situation.

Because you can bet your bottom dollar if Men were the baby producers things would be a hell of a lot different.

[Rissa]

You made an honest choice on a tough situation.
I am very religious and believe God has a plan for everyone in this beautiful world.