Ew. Seriously. Ew.

At the grocery store a few weeks back I found myself startled by the appearance of the young man ringing us up. He was probably a senior in high school, and generally good looking in a bland American youth kind of way. But he was orange—coated in a fake tan—and had used about six ounces of some sort of product on his hair resulting in an all-over spikiness. The weird thing about the hair is that it was all the same length and spiked up so that it stuck out evenly everywhere, even around his ears. This had the overall effect of him looking like a cartoon character of some sort. Oh, and his eyebrows were waxed into a beautiful shape I’m considering imitating. His shirt was too small, barely coming to his waist and skimming the top of his pants so that he flashed orange belly skin whenever he moved an item over the scanner.

The guy bagging the groceries that day had no eyes—yes, literally, no eyes at all, I think he was born without them—and I found the kid with the spiky hair more disturbing.

I’m not sure when, exactly, men started waxing. At first it was just back hair, then chest hair, and now eyebrows. I guess some people like it. I’m not above men wrangling their eyebrows into submission when they start getting all long and shit in old age, but waxing them into a pleasing shape? Not so much. Unless you are a drag queen. Which means each time I see a young man with waxed eyebrows I find myself wondering if he's a drag queen.

All the men at the strip club on Friday night looked like that check out boy. Plus oily and slimy. And the dancing… oh, the dancing. It was like N’Sync choreography as done by Arnold Schwarzenegger. So, so bad. Bad bad bad.

I’ve never seen anything less sexy in my life.

The place is called, charmingly, The Cave. So the walls are all plastered like a cave, if the cave were filled with drunken screaming women and stage lights. There were about a dozen or so brides-to-be there and a few birthday girls. There was a lot of security. They even carded me, which was hilarious. I was close to the oldest person there (there were one or two mothers-of-the-bride that were older than me. Or looked it. Heh).

The waiters were even more slimy and gross than the dancers, and get this! They were selling test tube shots that the waiters would place in their jock straps, then they would shake them up which of course made it look like they were jerking off. Then the women would GET ON THEIR KNEES to drink it. From the crotch of the waiter.

I don’t know about you, but I am NOT paying someone else for the privilege of getting on my knees. Seriously, how is that sexy for the woman?

The weirdest thing about the whole night is that even though it was men taking their clothes off, somehow it felt like I was the one being exploited. Maybe it was the obvious contempt the dancers had for the audience, maybe it was all the waiters looking they were getting blowjobs, I don’t know. But I needed a shower afterward.

There was one African-American dancer that seemed to actually enjoy dancing, and was very nice to the women he spoke with afterward. I liked him right away because he didn’t have the rock hard body the other guys did. And a few of the dancers had rather nice asses. I like a good ass on a man. But overall, ew. Ew, ew, ew.

I would much rather have watched women dance. At least those women are walking away with the cash instead of throwing it at the oily bodies of contemptous men where it sticks. Ew.

_________________________________________________

I want to bring up two thing. First off, see that ad on the right? The one for my dear friend Nancy Falkow? Go click on it and buy her album. Seriously, you won't be disappointed. She's one of the best singers I've ever heard. That quote in her ad? It's mine.

Secondly, there's a new blog out there you might be interested in. It's called The Century Club, and it's a supportive blogging community for those of us who have 100 pounds (or more) to lose (or 35% of your body weight). It's password protected, so I can't link to it, but if you are interested in reading it OR becoming one of the blogs authors, please email me at the link at the bottom of the left column. I'm hosting the blog and will be one of the authors, but it's really the brain child of Kathleen (who until now was blogless). So email me if you want to be part of the fun!

Comments

[Charlie]

20 minutes and I'm the first to comment...? Your other readers are probably still watching the Cave video. ;-)

[DebbieS]

I'm fiiirrst! Or at least I will be if I type fast. I am ROFL over your description of the strip club! The only time I've ever been to see male exotic dancers was at a strip club in Lithuania. My best friend from college is from Vilnius and she took her SIL and me to a club called "Batman", of all things. I pictured some nice stocky Eastern European men (I likes me some meat!) shakin' their tailfeathers, and instead I saw these skinny young guys who looked like they were either on heroin or doing it for the food. Seriously, I wanted to give them money to "go buy ice cream", like my great-grandma used to tell us.

[Beth in Michigan]

Sign me up baby! Or I guess I could follow the instructions and email you, heh.

I have to admit the part about this that most interested me was the blind bagger. I bet he has many tales to tell! It also occurs to me that the blind bagger is probably very efficient because he's no doubt packing by weight. I bet he never puts the apples on top of the lettuce or even puts all the heavy stuff in one bag because he's actually paying attention to what he's doing.

[Ellen]

Even if Nancy wasn't my sister, I'd still buy her album.

[Sarah]

You captured the humorous horror of that strip club very well. It was totally worth it for the amount of laughing we did as well as the amount of blogging material. LOL.

And yeah, NANCY IS AWESOME.

[Stacy]

That Cave site looked pretty hot, but sucking shots off a jock strap most certainly is not. Puuuuuuuuuulease!

[Hoping]

Oh. MY. Holy. Shit. that music on the link to the men in the cave or whatever the fuck it was just about knocked me off of my office chair.....

I have been to male entertainers like that before and yes have participated in the show and I did feel quite dirty afterwards.....and not in the good way either ;).

[Jaycie]

I agree with you about the brow waxing. My daughter actually asked a guy where he gets his done, because his were sooooo pretty.
Around here, men tend to be cavemen (and not of the dancing kind) so the metrosexuals reallly stand out.

[Kellie from One Mother's Journey]

I hate the fact that "orange" has become a skin color. Ew indeed.

[Abigail]

Since my husband has gotten sober he has decided that things that aren't fun unless you're drunk probably aren't all that great to begin with. I think your strip club experience is an example of this! I've never seen male or female strippers, and your post doesn't make me want to change that. Interesting that even in a setting where the usual gender roles are reversed (men dancing for women) the patriarchy wins out.

As a pale woman, I really hate self tanner. I suppose it is better than people damaging themselves with the sun (or worse, tanning salons) but it always looks fake. I love my pale skin and have no desire to change it. I only wish I'd started wearing sunscreen younger.

Metrosexuals - meh. Men falling victim to all the stupid crap women have been putting up with for years is not my idea of equality.

Why yes, I AM a humorless feminist!

[Amy D.]

I've somehow started watching Big Brother, and that James kid killed me with his eyebrows!!! They don't even start until halfway over his eyes, it looked so ridiculous...it's one thing to separate a unibrow into two eyebrows, but even pretty boys ought to show some restraint! step away from the tweezers, young man!

[Abby]

I've never been to either kind of club, and I don't plan on ever going, either. It just doesn't appeal to me. Hell, I can't stand "Hooters", much less a real club!

[Nancy]

awww thanks girls!

[Whitney]

I rather like my men hairy and non-orange, so the checkout kid sounds pretty disturbing!! Ugh. I gotta say though, I use a self-tanner, otherwise I would blind everyone with my ghostliness. BUT I stop well before I am orange!

As for the strip club.....those guys look pretty freaky too!! Thanks for the laughs :)

[ladykuri]

OK I didn't open the strip club link (my 5 yo is right here lol), but from your description, all I can say is EWWWWW! I don't get the whole "beauty of the male body" thing anyway, but ugh. Female strippers? IF they are classy/clean looking then bring it on baby!! Of course that can be hard to find too :(

I HATE METRO BOYS. that is all. I want my men to look like men and my women to look like women. If I wanted the other, I'd go find the other, kthnxbye. And orange is a scary skin tone for either gender.

I'll have to check out the CD, and I'll definitely be emailing you about the century club. According to the charts I should lose 125-155 but I just want to lose about 105-110 (not sure because my fucking cheap ass walmart scale can't weigh my fat ass anymore). So, yeah, I'm there.

[Jill]

Men who wax their eyebrows freak me out. Because if you have ever seen Pink Floyd The Wall in a less than sober setting - it kind of reminds you of that.

I was watching Joey Lawrence being interviewed about Dancing with the Stars - and he looks EXACTLY as you described.

I have been to a male stripper show - but it was at a gay club. Sounds like the exact same experience. Greasy, fake tan, shots out of the crotch, etc.

I will never understand why that turns someone on? Just makes me laugh and feel embarrassed for them.

[Sheri]

How lame am I that I have never been to a strip club.... male or female? I'm such a prude when it comes to stuff like that. However, I appreciate your description of it all. Now I know I never want to go to a male one. lol eeeeeewwwwwww is right. lol

[Tiffany]

I have never been to a strip club - male or female but now I don't think I ever need to experience that!!

[KelliAmanda]

Care to say a little more about the Century Club? I'm curious - as you know, I'm anti-dieting, but I have joined a gym, and I'm pro trying to be healthy. Is it going to be just a weight-loss thing, or more of a fat girls get healthy thing? I'm guessing weight loss, from your "100 lbs. or more to lose" statement, but wanted to check. Because I'd love a fat girls get healthy support group that wasn't dieting/calorie or fat gram/counting every pound focused (but exercise, healthy eating focused).

As for the strip club - well, now I have no reason to want to go. I must admit, I was curious, but not so much anymore. Yikes.

[The Aitch]

Oh damn. I was hoping you were going to the strip show I keep seeing on the old HBO's Real Sex episodes. This male strip group performs in and around Philly and they are all black and all wear those cool elephant trunk g-strings.

Heh, that would have been cooler.

[Shelley]

I've been to both and I much prefer watching the women as disturbing as that may be! I have to say that those male strippers are much less smarmy than the ones I saw. The strip club I went to was in Montreal in the early 90s and those were some slimy men! Picture men with tight perms, pencil mustaches and as skinny as rails stripping! Not pretty. I talked my college friends into going and I literally could not look up from my drink as I was so DISGUSTED!

[Julie O]

I. Can't. Stand. Plucked. Eyebrows. On. Men.

It's been a huge issue for me since the day of that nasty Richard Greico of 21 Jump Street. It looks horrible. It's an absolute turnoff in every way.

I recently noticed that David Beckham has stopped plucking his (he was a huge offender) and a guy I know from around town also stopped, after I said something to a woman he knows and she dropped a hint. So maybe there's hope, one man at a time.

I had an early morning Saturday or would have shared the wealth of the Cave with you.

[Julie O]

I. Can't. Stand. Plucked. Eyebrows. On. Men.

It's been a huge issue for me since the day of that nasty Richard Greico of 21 Jump Street. It looks horrible. It's an absolute turnoff in every way.

I recently noticed that David Beckham has stopped plucking his (he was a huge offender) and a guy I know from around town also stopped, after I said something to a woman he knows and she dropped a hint. So maybe there's hope, one man at a time.

I had an early morning Saturday or would have shared the wealth of the Cave with you.

[Kimba]

Had to laugh out loud at this one! I used to share a flat with a stripper and he did, indeed, get slimy and dance exactly like N’Sync choreography as done by Arnold Schwarzenegger! Such a perfect description.

He told me that the waiters were always the guys who weren't 'good enough' to work as actual strippers, so they had to settle for waiting on the screaming hordes of women. Hence being even more slimy and gross...

And I'm so with you on the waxed eyebrows/ drag queen thing! Leave them alone, boys.

[Amy]

EW EW EW on the strippers. Have you been to a drag queen show? Theres still dollars and drinking involved but theyres also great costumes, great hair, and straight jokes. Gotta love it.