Denial

Ack.

Today is a Very Bad Day. I have them now and again, but today is particularly bad.

Part of it is because we are just past the two year anniversary of the day I lost my boys. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now, but I've been hesitant to get too close to it because there is still just so much grief there and I don't have the reserves right now to cope with it.

But, alas, just because I don't feel capable of dealing with it all doesn't mean I don't have to. As often happens when grief comes calling, I express it all backwards and sideways. This time it came out in bitterness towards Charlie, which led to hurt feelings, which led to a big "discussion" that made me 45 minutes late for work and got nothing resolved.

So now I sit feeling as if all my joy was scooped out and replaced with rage and grief. I know it will pass, but I hate having to wait through it. Again.

Maybe I'll chop all my hair off. Or get a new tattoo. Or possibly just cut off a pinky toe (oh, I kid, I kid. My toes are too cute to chop). Nothing major. But the urge to do something--anything--is very strong. I've called some folks I trust, gotten some good advice. I will probably finally call a therapist as well.

This black hole will spit me out again, and I'll be in a better place. Right?

________________________________________

On a happier note, we tried a new experiment with Tori. She's been fighting her naps lately, often only napping for twenty minutes at a time which makes her a lot more fussy than usual (although I shouldn't  complain, because she's the least fussy baby ever). While I haven't actually read the No Cry Sleep Solution, I've read lot of blogs by women who have, and I decided to put some of those ideas into practice.

I know that they say more sleep at night leads to better and longer naps during the day (which makes no sense to me, but whatever). For a long while now our routine has been to put Tori on the boob the minute I get home from work, around 7pm. She then nurses for an hour or so, and we play a bit until about 8:30pm, at which point she suckles and sleeps, suckles and sleeps, on and on until we go to bed after The Daily Show (11:30). While I relish the time with her, I know she needs to be getting more solid sleep instead of dozing. So last night, at 9pm, I took her up to the co-sleeper and put her to bed.

I didn't know how she would feel about it. Although she'd been mostly asleep downstairs, by the time I changed her diaper and put her in a sleep sack she was pretty awake. We shared some giggles, and then I put her down and turned out the light and walked away.

It was TORTURE. Even though I always put her down in the cosleeper and then go do my night time ablutions and she is just fine, happy as can be, the light is usually on and I know I'll be there next to her as she actually falls asleep.

I was prepared to go get her and put her right back on the boob the first moment she made a sound. But--and many of you will now officially hate me with a white hot passion--she was completely quiet. Nary a whimper. I heard her thumping her legs down a few times (she lifts up her legs and then slams them down as hard as she can--it's very funny), when I got the courage to poke my head in and take a look at her twenty minutes later, she was out cold. And she stayed asleep until about 3am, her normal middle-of-the-night feeding time. And then she slept until 8am this morning.

While I miss that time with her---oh, hell, that's not really true. Right now, I'm feeling so depleted and stretched thin I'm really looking forward to having an hour or two at night I can move about my house freely instead of being trapped in front of the television with Tori on my boob. And I know Charlie is looking forward to spending his days with a more well-rested baby. Already today she took a much longer nap after her morning breakfast and play time (in fact, she slept through the entire "discussion" this morning), so hopefully we'll have continued success (but I'm not counting on it! I'm not that foolish) with putting Tori to "bed."

Next step, we'll put her to sleep in her crib! You know, in about ten years or so. Heh. Oh, and this weekend she fell in love with her Exersaucer. Pictures to come.

Comments

[ellen]

Sorry to hear that you're having a rough day. Anniversaries aren't easy. On the otherhand, Tori will eventually sleep by the time she's 20!

[spit]

It's the damn Mercury Retrograde, it will pass. Just keep doing the next right thing and remember feelings aren't facts

[Susan]

Thinking of you.

[negativecapability]

I'm sending good thoughts for you. I imagine the anniversary will always bring out stored-up grief.

I also say take the get another tattoo option :). Have you gotten one to comemmorate Tori's birth yet?

[Donna]

Is it possible you don't feel you should allow yourself negative feelings because of the wonderous joys of Tori??? Well, you are still human and still have the full range of emotions, even though you have lots of stuff on the positive end now.

[Mel]

I get the first comment?

First and foremost, I am so sorry that it's the anniversary of your loss. I hope the black hole spits you out soon.

I too had huge issues with losing out on those night hours with my kids. I missed them all day, and then we only had a few hours together until it was time to sleep. But the sleep made those hours together so much better. They ate better, played better, slept better. We used Pantley's book. And it makes for a healthier, happier child. And in the end, now that they only take one nap a day and we have many hours together, I really cherish that time at night to get work done, cook, spend time with my husband, etc.

Hope it goes well! Sleep, Tori, sleep.

[julia]

Yay for sleep!!!

And, yes, the black hole will spit you out. Calls to trusted friends and trips to therapists always help, though.

[Dianne]

It is weird, but true. Sleep begets sleep. The more they sleep at night, the more they sleep during the day and vice versa. It is an especially hard lesson for us working moms to learn, because since we are away during the day, we want to make up for it at night. But you will find the time with her much more enjoyable if you and she are more well rested. I only get about 2 hours with my son after work before he is off to bed. But the benefit is that those two hours are about him, playing and eating, and not about me. Once he goes to bed, my husband and I have three blessed hours of quiet (or more factually, to watch TV in peace and quiet!)

I am sorry you are going through a bit of a rough patch. Can't help but think that some of your worries and anxieties are related to the sad anniversary of your boys. I am glad to hear you are reaching out for some help - that is the most brave and honest thing you can do. Hang in there.

[Sarah]

Sorry today sucks so bad, but you are spot-on as to the whys...it is normal to feel shitty on this anniversary. And it will always be a difficult time, I should think. I know you and Charlie will work things through.

Good luck with the sleeping changes...sounds like she's fine with it! She is the most awesomest baby ever, so I'm not surprised. ;-)
Call me if you need/want to.
xo

[Whitney]

Sorry to hear about the rough patch. I say, go for it all--new tattoo, chop off your hair, color it, all that! My hair color changes about as often as my moods.

Yay for better sleep! I don't understand the "sleep begets sleep" thing either, but it works in my house too.

[Lori]

Yay for you on trying the sleeping thing! I think that the dual want-to-be-with-her/need-time-for-myself feeling is just one of the many contradictions that characterized motherhood. I love my daughter like I love no one else, but I'm always grateful when we walk in the door of her grandmother's house and I'm off the hook for a few hours. If anything, it helps me to be more refreshed for the time we do have together.

That depleted feeling...I know it very well. My kid's over a year old now and I'm STILL feeling it - but I do find that getting as much rest as I can for myself helps in the short term.

Hang in there - you've got a lot on your plate and you're doing amazingly well, from what I read. :)

[Julie]

Yeah, we realized that our bedtime routine with Dylan was more about us than him - he took to the new routine right away. He sleeps better than ever.

I am also not getting the more sleep = more sleep thing either but hey - whatever works right?

[Ally]

Thinking of you, Charlie, and the boys. I'm sorry.

It's hard finding the right after work balance between sleep for the baby, alone time for you/husband, sleep for yourself. I'd like to say we have it all figured out, but I'd be lying. Like everything, it does get easier with time.

[Leggy]

Anniversaries are hard- the anticipation of them, the wishing the actual day away, and all the feelings that have been stifled finally coming out in the days and weeks after the day is over.
As for sleep issues- I'm glad it worked so well. I think the theory is that sleep begets sleep, but if the baby is fussy and agitated due to lack of sleep, its that much harder to settle down. I've found it true with my son.
Sending hugs...

[Cindi]

This too is my down time of year and sometimes the funk seems to be overwhelming. Other years its just a passing sadness. This is one of the funk years. Yes it will pass, but sometimes a little help is a good thing.

Hang in there.

Cindi

[becky]

Followed your pregnancy, as I was only a few weeks behind you. At the moment I am super jealous of the sleeping experiment. Sam will only sleep with a warm body next to him.

[Heatherg]

thinking of you.
Not sure what to say.
There's always so much i want to say- but can never find the words that sound right in writing.

May Tori sleep like/with the angels, and may the boys continue to walk with them.....

[Heatherg]

oh wait- what are you talking about?
You mean the kids arent supposed to sleep with you forever?

Would someone please tell that to my four year old or whack me upside the head?

Please?
really- I cant get the kid out of my bed. We are FINALLY getting him into his room/bed at night and when we wake up in the morning, he is right there....... in our bed again.? WTF?

[luolin]

I'm so sorry you are feeling down.

[Kristine]

I'm thinking of you during this bad anniversary time. As a fellow fighter of the black hole, I commend you for recognizing when you have to reach for a life line.
The sleep thing is tough too- I remember when going through my miscarriages I would go get my daughter out of bed and bring her to bed with me, even though I've always claimed to not be a fan of cosleeping. She didn't need me, I needed her. You do what works for you when you need to (whether it's bringing 'em to your bed or taking them to theirs), and it all has a way of working itself out in the end.

[Elena]

Cecily,
Wednesday is the 4th birthday for my stillborn son, Raphael. How we have always dealt with it is to celebrate it. There was a life. It was with us. It was very brief, but he existed and now he is in heaven and we'll meet him later. We do the whole thing to with balloons for the grave site and birthday cake.

I know you don't have a grave site, but maybe you could just have a little place in your home for them, a shrine if you will. Doesn't have to be big. And go ahead and celebrate the lives they had and their eternal lives in heaven! Tell Tori too about her big brothers in heaven, only a prayer away!!

It's not just an ordinary time. Feel free to commemorate it someway!

I'll keep you in my prayers during this special week of All Saints and All Souls Days.
Elena

[Chas]

If she loves the exersaucer, she'll LOVE the jumparoo in a few weeks..trust me.

[liz]

Lots of hugs.

And I'm glad she did the sleep thing last night!

[Julie]

have yoy thought about getting a tatoo specifically for your boys sweetie? im so sorry your experiencing this.. sending you love and comfort

[Cheryl]

The right therapist makes all the difference. Don't settle for a shitty one. I lost a baby in a totally different situation but I will always grieve too. It's like a cycle where sometimes you are strong and forward thinking, and other times you are overwhelmed.

My daughter was the worst napper EVER until about 5.5 months, when she magically started napping perfectly (just in time for my husband's parental leave and the end of mine, bah!) I bet you'll find that Tori sleeps better and better as the weeks go by.