Uppercase Woman

Facial Report and a giant THANK YOU

So, I had my facial.

I'm not sure what I expected, but I was pretty disappointed. I mean, it was restful--after all, I was lying down for more than an hour in the middle of the day--but it wasn't all that relaxing. Part of it could be the various stinging and burning products that were put on my face (this is the cleanser! this is the exfolliator! this is the mask!), all of which felt and smelled exactly the same. For all I know, she put the same shit on my face and then kept washing it off. Part of it also was the fact that I was lying flat on my back for over an hour and that just isn't comfortable for me, so my lower back started hurting after a while (even with a bolster under my legs).

Secondly, she was sweet, but she SUCKED at massage. She rubbed my neck and shoulders with all the enthusiasm of a one-night stand who already got his nut*. Her half-hearted rubbing of my neck, shoulders, face and scalp served mostly to make me itch. Sigh. And I was looking forward to that part.

Lastly, I'm not sure what I thought a "paraffin hand treatment" was, but I sure as fuck didn't think it was "dip hands in scalding wax then wrap them in plastic and stick them in hot mittens." My hands felt nice afterwards, until two seconds after I washed them when they went back to feeling like, well, my hands.

I also always have this weird reaction when I go to posh places. I always identify more with the staff than I do the other patrons, so I find myself making all kinds of stupid "I'm really just a poor working schlub, too!" jokes that they don't appreciate. For instance, when I walked up to the counter I said to the tongue-studded skinny girl in all black behind the desk, "I have a one o'clock appointment for a facial. And that's the first time I've ever uttered that sentence."

She was unimpressed.

All in all, it wasn't worth the money. I should have used the gift certificates for a bunch of silly products instead.

Sigh.

*What, you never had a guy describe sex with you that way? Hmmmm...

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I'm going to have to quit mentioning things I need on this blog, because every time I do I get it in the mail. A while back I mentioned wanting a tutu for Tori and Leanna goes and makes this beautiful one and sends it to me! It was so awesome, but I feel a little guilty. I really don't mean to use this blog as a way to get free things, I swear (really).

Today a huge package arrived at the house, and Charlie called me all frantic trying to figure out what credit card I'd put the gorgeous Britax car seat on because not a single one of our cards had enough credit (hey, it was Christmas and then I didn't get paid for six weeks until today) to pay for it.

Imagine our shock when we realized it was a gift! From Tanya in Portland, OR! Tanya, you crazy woman. I can't believe your generosity! I'm completely humbled by it. Wow. Just... WOW. Thank you so much. Tori can now ride safely AND in style. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Wow. I'm completely blown away. I sure don't deserve it! Wow.

Miscellany

Lots of stuff circulating in my brain today. And I promise--none of it is related to pedophiles.

First up, a bit of Tori news: she has, for the better part of a week, been sleeping in her crib all night . Without waking. Yes, really. She goes down between 8 and 9, I get her up around midnight and pop her on the boob for a bit and then she sleeps until 8 or 9 in the morning. And, yes, I'm aware I'm totally jinxing myself by telling you about it. So be it.

It is bliss. And I only wake up once or twice a night and hold the monitor to my ear to listen to her breathe. I swear.

You'd think that would mean I was well rested, wouldn't you? But no. I keep having trouble falling asleep until after 2 or 3 am. I don't know why. It's pissing me off though. Perhaps I'll fall asleep tomorrow during my "luxury facial." Yes, that's what I decided to get with the gift certificate. The truth is, I don't think I'll feel comfortable disrobing in front of the posh skinny girls that surely work there. I have a great massage therapist--she's married to my chiropractor--so I'll go see her instead. I've never had a facial, so this should be fun instead.

Anyway.

Saturday night Charlie and I got to go see my good friend Nancy Falkow play at a local coffeehouse. It was an awesome night--she's truly wonderful, and she was singing with two other amazing women (Christine Havrilla and Amber DeLaurentis). It was Tori's first live music performance (other than church, of course) and you could actually see the moment when she realized the music was coming from the women on stage. So cool. The place was PACKED though--they oversold the show, which sadly left Sarah and Pete and the kiddo out in the cold!

But the other reason it was super cool to go is because of Nancy's gorgeous baby girl Hannah. Tori was SO EXCITED to see another baby. Hannah was all cool and aloof, not falling for Tori's squeals of delight or grabby hands. It was adorable (don't worry, there are some truly adorable pictures of our lunch on Sunday).

This has shown me that it's time to get Tori involved with a playgroup of some kind. There are about a million that I could join, but I work. Sadly. So I'm trying to find one for Charlie to no avail. Any suggestions? I did a bunch of internet searching for some Stay At Home Dad resources, and thought I'd found some, but that info turned out to be a couple years old. Tori needs to hang with some other babies. Charlie could go to a playgroup of all women, but he... well, he doesn't want to. I'm not sure how I feel about it either. Heh. Any suggestion appreciated.

Lastly, I have to say that I'm totally irritated by this story; you know, the stupid lie that some rag reported that Barack Obama went to a Muslim school when he was six (even if he did, for fuck's sake--he was SIX--but I digress). Fox News picked up the story and ran with it--and they not only managed to smear Obama with the story, but they claimed that Hillary Clinton's people are the ones that "discovered" this little gem of misinformation.

What a bunch of bullshit! It's been well documented that the story was NOT true--not even CLOSE to true. Yet Fox News not only won't apologize, they continued to report it as fact after it was debunked--and this asshole even claimed that the CNN reporter that debunked the story ALSO went to the Muslim School. What a bunch of serious fucktards.

Didn't Dan Rather have to resign in shame for something similar? Why are these idiots at Fox still able to sit there and spread their lies?

Grrrrrrrrr. I fucking hate this "swiftboat" shit. I hate that people believe it. Drives me batty.

That's all my ramblings for the day. Enjoy.

Ill

So this sick fuck was arrested last week. Don't click on the link unless you want to know the full horror; suffice it to say that this man, with the help of two girlfriends, ran some sort of babysitting service where he photographed himself sexually abusing children. He had over a million images on his computer. His youngest victim was three months old--like Tori was in this photo.

This is not the first time this has happened; nor, sadly, will it be the last. But it's the first time it's happened in my neighborhood. It's the first time that one of the women that helped "procure" children for this bastard lived a few blocks from me. It's the first time a woman who "procured" children for abuse lived across the street from our little neighborhood grocer.

A grocery store where Charlie and I posted a sign looking for a babysitter.

Most of the calls I got from that sign where, as we hoped, teenage girls. None of them panned out. One call I didn't return, though, was from an older woman. I don't know, of course, if it was that particular woman--chances are, it wasn't.

But, oh god, what if it had been?

Because I was not a victim of sexual violence as a child, it's been easy for me to view pedophilia as a sickness; a horrific and destructive sickness, but one that needs treatment. Most perpetrators of sexual violence on children were victims themselves, of course. I saw pedophilia as an extension of the deep soul sickness that seems to permeate our world now.

But that was before I was a parent. Before it hit way too fucking close to home.

Now I find myself hoping the bastard gets murdered in prison. I want to see him ripped apart, ala The Hitcher where someone is tied between two trucks and that drive away from each other. I want to see him trampled by bulls. Anything, so that he has time to be in pain, time to agonize, time to realize the error of his ways before he faces the biggest judgment of all.

I don't like being this person. I prefer to view the world compassionately, and try to avoid hatred whenever possible. But I just can't distance myself right now. It could have been my daughter. It could have been Tori.

Please pray for the families of these children, many of whom remain unidentified. Pray for the children themselves. Pray for the police who had to investigate this crime who are permanently damaged by the images they had to view to catch this guy. Pray for the attorneys, the judge, and the jury that is going to have to see them as well. Pray, even, for the two women who helped this bastard, women so desperate for love that they were willing to literally sacrifice children. Try, if you can, to pray for the sick fuck himself.

And lastly, pray for me to be able to find compassion again. Hatred sits in my heart like a painful and rotten fruit. Eventually it will kill me, and do nothing to the man I hate. It's a bad way to live.

What's the point? Where is it going? Why is this Blog here?

I've been thinking a lot, lately, about this blog and where it's going and what the fuck the point is anyway. I mean, Tori is here, I'm no longer technically struggling with infertility, so it's kind of lost it's main driving energy.

Stop panicking. I'm not going to stop blogging.

I've noticed a steady decrease in my hits of late, and I think I understand why. One can only read the blog of a deliriously happy new mother for so long before it becomes, well, really fucking dull. So I've been thinking about what I can do to jazz it up a bit.

Before you begin thinking of me as an attention-mongering whore (which I so totally am), it's not really about getting more hits (OK, maybe a little). It's really about the role that writing this blog has played in my life. It's been cathartic, informative, and a great source of stress relief. It's been an amazing way to make friends, and a great place to vent about issues going on in the world that matter to me. I've learned so much from you guys--sometimes I've been forced to change or moderate my opinion on issues because of things you've posted in the comments.

As much as I like telling you, in excruciating minutia, what Tori is doing on a daily basis, I'd like this blog to be about a little more. Also, I find that I need assignments to keep my writing fresh and to force myself to research things. I don't want to be irrelevant, and I don't want to write about dull things either. Heather can get away with discussing her daughter's poop habits and millions will read it, but I don't think there is room for more than one Heather on the Internets. :)

So I'm considering becoming a bit more formatted here. Say, Monday will be "politics day" and Tuesday might be "in the news" day and Wednesday could be "entertainment day." That sort of thing. Maybe a day for parenting issues, and of course, one day will be a "Tori" day and include photos. Maybe one day could be a review day, or an "in the arts" day, or a "news in medicine" day. I have all kinds of ideas.

My goals with this would be threefold; first off, I want to write more often. At least 5 times a week. I have dropped my blogging down to two or three days a week and that's not good for me (I always think about what my first writing mentor said--you have to write at least seven hours a week to be really considered a writer). Secondly, I want to stop skimming the news and go back to actually reading it and processing what is going on in the world around me (I no longer feel so raw that I have to distance myself from the news, which I did have to do right after Tori was born). My world gets pretty small when all I can focus on is how fucking cute my child is. Thirdly, I feel like this blog has become a place of peace for people of differing views to discuss things, and I'd really like that to continue. But there isn't anyone--right or left, red or blue--that is going to discuss at length my daughter's sleeping habits.

In short, I'd like to stop being boring. And redundant. And I'm thinking this might be a good way to go. But, naturally, since I view this blog as being owned by you guys as much as it is by me, I want to know what you think. Stupid idea? Good idea? Got suggestions for other subjects you'd like me to cover? Or do you think I should just shut up already? Will read the comments avidly.

The Crib

So I haven't told you all yet, but ever since I blogged about not being able to sleep while Tori is in her crib, well, something changed. So last weekend, we made the switch.

And, to add to my growing list of "Why I'm A Bad Mommy" we found that she, generally, sleeps waaaaaay better in the crib. The reason, probably, is because she really weighs too much now for that half-inch thick piece of foam they call a mattress in the co-sleeper. When we put her in the crib, with a real mattress, her whole body is clearly more relaxed and happy. She's been sleeping through with only one wake-up for feeding again (except last night, she was up three times; I need toothpicks to prop my eyelids open today).

We even had to start setting an alarm again--something we haven't done since she was born--since she seems content to stay in the crib until one of us wakes up. We've slept as late as 9:30, which is awesome, except that I have to be up a little earlier than that to get to work by 11. I cannot WAIT to sleep in on Saturday.

So now we're moving toward eliminating our first piece of baby furniture. We'll probably use the co-sleeper in it's "playpen" setting down in the basement* when she gets a little older. But now I want to re-do our bedroom arrangement.

Since y'all were so helpful on the car seat front (wow, do you people like Britax seats or what?), I'm wondering what you think of that design trend that was popular a bit ago to have the bed at an angle (you know, in a corner). I'm thinking that would work in our odd little bedroom, but it seems a tad pretentious. And what do you do with the empty space behind the bed? I mean, I suppose we could install a sex swing or something, but I don't think our ceilings could take it. It would be great to put a table back there in place of end tables, but I've never seen a corner-shaped end-type table. And NO I'm not going to build one. Have you met me? Not. Crafty. At. All.

I suppose you could put a plant back there, but I just deliberately killed off the ficus tree I've had for nearly 14 years (it got some disease and parts of it kept dying off, so I just let the cold kill it). I really don't have a clue what to do. But I do think it would make great use of our space, because of the way our windows are placed.

Gah. I will stop now. Very boring entry. Oh, but I do think we'll get a Britax. We'll start saving pennies now. Heh.

*NO, we are not going to put our child in a playpen in the basement and leave her there. Charlie's office is down there, and it would help him when he's working.

Bad Cranky Mom

Here is why I'm a terrible mother, reason #33:

Last night when I got home from work and other things,* I finally ate dinner, got changed, and got ready to watch some television. Tori usually just nurses and dozes after 8pm so I was really looking forward to watching some sitcoms and the return of Heroes and Studio 60.

Just as Heroes started, Tori decided that the thing she wanted to do most in the world was lie across Mommy's lap and groan. At top volume. Luckily we have DVR (ghetto Tivo) and I paused the show and patiently waited for the groaning session to end. She wasn't discontent, at all--just enjoying practicing her vocalizations. After about ten minutes I started trying things to distract her; singing, bouncing, tickling**, blowing in her face, groaning with her but louder, everything. Nothing worked; she was relaxed enough to not want to do anything other than groan. After twenty minutes, I finally yelled down the basement stairs to Charlie (where he was on the computer in his office--hey, the basement's finished! I don't chain him to a radiator or anything) and asked him if he had any suggestions about stopping the groaning.

He laughed, and suggested I try hitting CTRL, ALT, and DELETE at the bottom of Tori's feet to see if that would reset her. Helpful guy, my husband.

So I just waited it out. Impatiently. Eventually, she started nursing and I was able to catch up. But I was supremely irritated. That's why I'm a bad mom--here I am, getting yet another precious memory of my amazing daughter, and I'm all like, "just shut up already so Mom can watch her stories."

Sigh. I need chocolate. Fucking diet. Fucking migraines I get from chocolate now.

Hmmm.... PMS?

* Other things was my weightwatcher meeting. I lost one pound. One measly fucking pound. Of course, that makes a total of nearly seven pounds in two weeks. Why am I bummed?

** Just in the last few days has Tori become ticklish. On only her left side. Ah, the laughter...

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I need some advice. First off, Tori is getting too big for the infant car seat. I am way too lazy to actually do any research about the best baby-to-toddler car seat, so just tell me what to get. You know, I know you do.

Secondly, one of the artists I represent in my shop was sweet enough to bring me a rather extravagant gift certificate to a local (very chi-chi) spa. So, what should I get?

Classic Hot Stone Massage
Raindrop Therapy Massage (involves "aligned" essential oils)
Deep Tissue Massage
Any one of a variety of silly facials
Rejuvenation Peel
or... a combination of small things like an eyebrow wax and a pedicure

I need something that will take the place of chocolate. Heh.

Thanks in advance. And, for your viewing pleasure--new pics of Tori.

National Blog For Choice Day

Pro-choice bloggers are speaking out today about the right to choose. I've been thinking about this subject and how my feelings about abortion have changed since I had Tori.

There is no doubt that looking into Tori's face highlights for me exactly what is lost when a pregnancy is terminated. The pangs I feel when I think about my sons Nicholas and Zachary is tremendous; since Tori's arrival, I find myself thinking about them several times a day. How I wish that I'd had another alternative, some better medical treatment that could have prolonged that pregnancy without endangering me further so the boys could be here with me now, glorious and rambunctious at nearly two years old.

But then I look at Tori and I think about how her adorable and tiny body harbors an equally adorable and tiny uterus. And I think about how my mom had preeclampsia when she was pregnant with me, and how her mother probably had it with her children. There is evidence to support the fact that preeclampsia may be a hereditary disease, meaning that Tori has a chance of developing it with her (far, far in the future) pregnancies. And since there has been little in the way of improvement in the treatment of preeclampsia since my mother was pregnant with me nearly forty years ago--they just put her on hospital bed rest and gave her magnesium sulfate, just like they did with me and the twins--well...

I think that now, more than ever, I must fight to keep abortion SAFE, LEGAL, and RARE.

I hope and pray that no other woman is told that a much wanted pregnancy has to be terminated in order to survive. I don't want anyone, ever, to have to through what I went through. It sucks. It sucks ass in a big way. That day remains the worst day of my life, and I would give anything to prevent that horror from happening to someone else.

But it does happen. It happens all the time, and someday it might happen to my daughter. And I want, no, fuck that, I DEMAND that my daughter have the right to save her own life.

So I stand before you as a mother, as fiercely Pro Choice as ever. Giving birth to my daughter has only deepened and re-affirmed my resolve to fight for the right to control our bodies. For the lives of all of our daughters, I will continue to stand on the front lines of this battle.

Pro Child, Pro Family, Pro Choice. Rock on.

Ah, Friday, and the last questions

Do you have hot weekend plans? Because if you don't, I would suggest you move heaven and earth, hire a babysitter, and drive as far as you need to and go see the movie Dreamgirls.

My mom and I snuck out Sunday afternoon, leaving Tori with Charlie, and saw it in a crowded theater in the city. I knew my mom wanted to see it, but I only wanted to see it in that "well, there's nothing else out right now" way. I'm not a huge Beyonce fan--I think her singing style is annoying--so I wasn't planning to go out of my way to see a movie featuring her, you know, singing.

But my mom had babysat Tori twice! and Tori cried both times so I thought, oh, what the hell. Nothing like a good fluff movie.

But I have to tell you...the movie is INCREDIBLE. It actually wrung me out emotionally, and I totally didn't expect that. Beyonce is completely fine, and sings at least one song with her full heart and it rocks. Jamie Foxx is pretty good, and only sang one time, which is fine with me. Eddie Murphy has completely redeemed every single fat suit movie he's made AND that stupid "Party All The Time" song he did back in the 80's. His performance is phenomenal.

But Jennifer Hudson... OH. MY. GOD. When she sings, she rips your heart out and throws it on the floor and sings at it until it's quivering in a corner. She broke me wide open. I guess she technically has less screen time than Beyonce (whatEVER), so she can only get the Best Supporting Actress EVERYTHING and that's a shame because never--NEVER--in my life have I seen an audience stand up in the theater in the middle of a movie and applaud the screen the way they did after she sang her big number. I swear while she was singing that song I saw God*. It was THAT GOOD.

So, you know, GO. If you only like it half as much as I did, it's worth it.

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There were a handful of questions that got missed, so here you go...

Heatherg asked what my relationship is with Sarah's daughter. I think it's a pretty good one! I completely adore her and think she's funny as hell. I love watching her with Tori--she's just amazing with her (she actually begs to change poopy diapers--how could I not love her?). But no, we're not Aunt or Uncle anything, just Charlie and Cecily. I once tried to get her to call me Aunt Cecily, maybe when she was four or five, and she was all like, "You are NOT my aunt" so I let it go.  She is Tori's Godsister.

FHT asked if I'd ever considered returning to work as a vet tech. Not much, just every single day and sometimes in my dreams. If only it didn't pay absolute crap.

Alice asked if she could link to my blog. Of course! Link away. Here, in another entry where I answered questions, is a description of how Sarah and I met. As for whether or not I'll get a tattoo for Tori, I really don't know. There is a female portrait tattooist down in Miami (she's on Miami Ink) that I would love to have do a tattoo of Tori, but I don't know. Eventually I probably will.

Jax asked me "There is "something about you" (or to be more precise, your writing) that's just so beautiful. I think there's a true integrity expressed in a smart way. What made you this way?" Lovely, flattering question. Good Lord, I have no idea. I guess we are all the sum of our experiences, and mine made me, well, me. I have to say that my mother, my sobriety, having true love, and being a big reader have all made me into the person/writer that I am. Other than that? No fucking clue.

Christy asked me about Tori and sleeping. Tori is a great sleeper; we're very lucky. Right now, her pattern is this: she's awake completely until at least 8 pm or even 8:30. Then she settles in for very serious nursing, and she dozes and nurses until anytime between 9 and 10. At that point we take her and put her in the co-sleeper upstairs, next to our bed (my side). We come up for bed sometime after the Daily Show, usually between 11:30 and midnight. About half the time, Tori wakes up and nurses again for another fifteen minutes or half hour. I usually read while she does, then put her back in the co-sleeper. She will then sleep, on  a good day, until 5 or 6 am and then wake up again to nurse. Then she'll sleep until 8, or even on a REALLY good day, 9. She nurses a bit when she first wakes up but not much (she's not a morning eater). Usually then I put her on the floor on the Gymini in the nursery while I pump her lunch (if I'm going to work, if not, another bag of milk to put in the freezer). Then we go downstairs and she has her solid breakfast (usually oatmeal and applesauce), then plays in the Exersaucer and watches Sesame Street (yes, she really watches it). We've found it's great to have her sit up after eating--less spit up (although the other day she graced my cleavage with warm oatmeal and breastmilk---mmmmmmgood). Eventually she'll come out of the Exersaucer, and about then she'll be getting sleepy, so she'll nurse for a bit. We've just started putting her in her crib for her morning nap; she used to be in a pack n' play downstairs but she's really getting too big for it, plus she sleeps for a much longer time in the nursery. She's often not asleep when I put her in the crib, but she gets herself to sleep within fifteen minutes or so usually (we use this thing to help get her sleepy--the wave setting is perfect). She then sleeps for 1.5-2 hours, on a good day. Once she gets up she has lunch (now a mix of solids and a bottle if I'm at work, or solids and the boob if I'm home), then Charlie usually takes her and the dog for a walk or we go out for the day. About three hours or so later, she goes down for her afternoon nap, again about 1.5-2 hours. Then she has dinner, goes back in the saucer, then she hangs out with me on the couch. It may sound like we have it all under control but there are a few issues: first, she really wants to move up her bedtime to 8pm or so. I don't want her to because I don't get home from work until 7:30 or so and I'm greedy for Tori time. Secondly, we'd really like to put her down at night in the crib--but we can't. Not because of her; she sleeps fine in there. I can't take it, and if she's in the crib, I don't sleep. I wait for her to wake up to nurse, nurse her in bed, and then move her to the co-sleeper. Then I can sleep. Soon Tori will either get too big for the co-sleeper or I'll stop being an idiot.
Hope that answered your question. LOOOOONG answer. Sorry.

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That is it for me this week. Really looking forward to being home for the weekend. Even though on Sunday Charlie and I are hosting a poetry slam... yikes.

*If you go here, you can hear that song from Dreamgirls. Just ignore the dude lip synching it.

Questions II

And we go on...

Kat asked how I found the courage, after losing the boys to preeclampsia, to try to have a biological child. I'm not sure it was courage, actually. I think stubbornness and desperation are more accurate. Kat also asked if we'd considered adoption, and the truth is we did but only briefly. We'd already invested all the money we had in IVF and still had 14 embryos (at the time, now we have eight). We didn't have the money to begin the adoption process (either international or domestic), and while we could have done foster-to-adoption, we weren't ready to start with an older child at that point. And we had all those damn embryos. Combine that with Dr. Mama's assurances that the PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) would be aggressively treated, and I would be monitored like crazy, we decided to go ahead. Now, however, after experiencing both preeclampsia AND placental abruption we will NOT be trying another pregnancy in my uterus.

Melissa asked if I was still taking the Domperidone (to increase my milk supply) and how much it cost. No, I quit taking it about two? months ago I believe. Once my supply was up and my freezer pretty well stocked, my doctor recommended that I wean off it. So I did. And I'm glad I did, now my poop is back to normal (Domperidone is NOT side-effect free). It cost a LOT. $70 for three weeks or so, with shipping, I think. Honestly, I wouldn't take it unless your supply is severely low. I hope to never take it again.

Luolin asked about Tori's relationship with my church. I truly believe the prayers, both at my church and everywhere else, are why Tori is here and healthy. Tori comes with me to church right now, but she's getting very close to the age that is going to be a problem. She comes to choir practice, but she distracts the choir something fierce, so I've been hiding her in the back instead of putting her in front of the group to watch us all sing. She loves the singing. She used to let other church members hold her while I was singing, but now she won't--by the time the service starts she's in need of a nap but won't take one, so she's too cranky to let strangers hold her. So I haul her up to the front with me for the choir's performance (usually in the sling, but last week I just held her). So, long story short (sigh), she's basically the church mascot. But it hasn't changed my relationship to the church at all--well, except that I can't be as involved as I like with committees and such because of the lack of time.

Kristin asked if I plan to get a tattoo to commemorate the boys. Of course! I plan to get two daffodils, plus their initials, on my right ankle. I haven't done it yet because, well, I could tell you it was because I was pregnant and you can't get tattooed while pregnant, but the truth is I'm too fat. Not to get tattooed, but to show my face to my brilliant tattoo artist (not like he'd care), Eric Levy of Body Graphics in Cherry Hill, NJ. So I hope to get it sometime this summer. You know, when I'm thinner. Ahem.

Kate asked if we've considered having another child, a sibling for Tori, and if we've considered using a surrogate. Right after Tori was born, I was aglow with the prospect of having another child. But the truth is, unless we win the Powerball, it's not gonna happen. We're living comfortably right now and another child would make our financial picture quite different. IF we change our minds (and we keep paying the storage fees on our embryos in case), we certainly aren't going to use my cranky-ass uterus. Sarah has offered, repeatedly, to surrogate for us because she's the bestest friend EVER. I guess you'll have to stay tuned to see how it plays out.

Kez asked if we ever saw the boys or got their footprints after we lost them. No, we didn't. I had a dilation and extraction, or a medical termination, or if you must, a partial birth abortion (although not really--everything was done in-utero) to terminate the pregnancy. So viewing the remains would have been bad. On a happier note, to answer your other question, Antonia or Olivia were the second name choices back before we knew the boys were, in fact, boys.

Frema asked if I am going to the Blogher conference. I'd love to. I am hoping to get there, especially since it's so much closer to me than it was last year. I have heard, however, that the infertility bloggers weren't given a huge welcome (mommy bloggers in general felt a bit excluded, except Dooce of course). But maybe they'll like me more because of my tattoos? Heh. Sarah and I really want to go. Well, I want to go--Sarah might be ambivalent. But she's going if I go (yes you are, missy). She's my conference buddy.

Monica asked what brand of clothing Tori is wearing in this shot--all I can tell you, my dear, is that it's from K-Mart and it's actually purple. And my favorite movie of all time? Tough one! I will say, though, that if Notting Hill is on and I know about it I have to watch it all the way to the end. Even though no one in it is a favorite actor of mine. Go figure.

Chrissy asked how I deal, or don't deal, with the loss of my boys. The truth is, I don't know. How do you deal with the loss of a child or a potential child? We did some basic things right at the time--we had our friends over for a small memorial ceremony, and we planted daffodils to commemorate the boys (they would be blooming near their birth date, and we lost them in October, so it worked out--oh, and that's why the daffodils for the tattoo). I cried as much as I needed to, and I yelled at God as much as I needed to, and I ranted and raved here as much as I needed to (although sometimes my rantings hurt other people). Having Tori has changed the grief; it both eases it and makes it worse, if you know what I mean. We know, now, exactly what we've lost, but Tori brings so much joy into our lives that it fills our hearts and makes the loss easier to bear. I don't talk about this much, but sometimes I can see them in my mind; their shining heads bending together over some small thing they've found in the grass. That makes me sad. But then Tori laughs, or blows a raspberry, and I feel like I'll live. As I've said before, you just keep moving forward, and your scars come with you.

Camille asked, "to what, other than poor choices, do you most attribute your alcoholism and addictions?" You've got that a bit backwards, my dear. The poor choices came as a result of my alcoholism and addiction--they didn't cause it. I personally believe alcoholism is a genetic disease I inherited from my father and my grandfather and that the moment I introduced a mind-altering chemical into my body it was like a key fitting into a lock--my disease bloomed. Now, the when of how that mind-altering chemical came into my body for the first time may have been related to a poor choice--I'll give you that one. If you want to know more, you can read these posts I linked to yesterday.

Mary also asked about how we cope with the loss of the boys, but she also asked if we plan to tell Tori about her brothers. Geez, did you imagine I was capable of keeping my mouth shut about them to her? Heh. An old friend of mine lost his twin sister (she died during birth), and he felt like she was his guardian angel and that thought brought him great comfort. I like that idea, and I hope Tori will feel like she's got a pair of angels watching over her. Even though I feel like angels are a bit cute.

Wow! I think that's all of them, although I feel like I skipped some (didn't someone ask me why Americans are so religious? I can't find it!). If you find that you now have a burning question, or that I skipped your original one, feel free to post it here and I'll do one more of these. After all, y'all are saving me from coming up with post ideas. :)

Questions Questions Questions!

Wow, you all want to know a LOT. This is going to be fun.
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Kristin asked about my tattoos. Easy to answer that one--just go read this entry where I talk about them. :)

Donnie asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, back when I was kid.  Well, Donnie, I wanted to be a veterinarian. I was 100% sure that was what I would do. Unfortunately, my plans were derailed when I decided that being an alcoholic was WAY easier.

Lara asked me what my favorite episode of ER was. Without a doubt, when the helicopter fell on Romano. I still laugh about that one.

Ericka asked who my favorite go-to poet is. Great question! I have more than one, but I would have to say Joy Harjo. I love her imagery, her intensity, and just everything. And now that someone asked this question, I get to know that she has a blog! Awesome.

DoctorMama (who is NOT, by the way, the doctor that delivered Tori. That doctor was male, and yes, that was his REAL name. DoctorMama--the blogger--is a mom who also happens to be a doctor.) asked  "do you feel about skinny people the way we infertiles feel about Smug Fertiles? And how does one avoid being a Smug Skinny?"  The answer is NO. I mean, have you seen Sarah? She weighs about 12 lbs, after all, and she's my very best friend. The only time I have any resentment at all is when someone that weighs 100 lbs less than me talks about how fat they are and how they have to lose weight. But I mostly just feel sorry for them. As for how to avoid being a smug skinny, hell, you got me. I've never been skinny enough to be smug. Maybe ask Sarah.

Bella asked what is my favorite thing about my environment, either my home or neighborhood. Hmmmmm... tough one! I would say it's a tie between my front porch and my fireplace. Love 'em both to death.

Eva asked for an update on my breast feeding story. Well, overall, it's been great. Tori latches on like a pro these days. Sometimes I can even nurse her while she's sitting on my knee (it would be my lap but I'm too fat for a lap. For now) and she nurses lying down, which rocks. However, we've had some issues in the last week since I started dieting. While I'm not noticing a decrease in supply at all, there does seem to be a decrease in quality for sure (Jenny, you were so right on about that). I'm taking some steps to change that, since Tori is now waking up two or even three times a night to nurse when she used to only wake up once (arg!). I'm trying to increase my good fats, and use more of my points up with fats instead of tons of lowfat food. Anyone else experience this? Or is it just a seven-month baby thing and it has nothing to do with dieting? Moxie? Help!

Debbie said very nice things about my writing and asked if I've ever done it professionally. Well, yes and no. I've never written in this style professionally. I was a Marketing and Public Relations person for a long time so I wrote in-house publications and press releases, that sort of thing. And I'm a poetry editor for a local literary journal. But no one pays me to swear at them on a regular basis, sadly. I've considered doing more, like pitching folks to write articles, that sort of thing, but every time I've tried I've gotten nowhere. I guess having a blog with 5,000 hits a day means NOTHING to those people. Harumph. Someday I hope to write a book, but I'm not sure about what yet. I'd love to be a movie reviewer (wouldn't everyone) or a columnist somewhere, but, sigh, no one is banging down my door. I wouldn't mind being an editor either. Dreamer that I am. So, hey, if anyone out there is hiring...

Catherin asked how I'll handle it if Tori turns out to be a "woman of size" too. Boy, I don't know. My mom was--and still is--great about my weight. She never once suggested a diet, criticized my appearance (except to accuse me of dressing a bit too slutty) in any way, or anything like that. She supported me when I tried to lose weight, and never gave me shit when I stopped dieting. She's great like that. She always tells me that I'm beautiful, no matter what. I hope I'll be just like her in that regard.

Heather asked how I'll handle it if Tori wants to get a tattoo. Well, you know, it is her body. I won't help her get one before she's 18, but I won't crucify her about it either. I'd tell her that I was 23 when I got my first tattoo, and that I knew what I wanted for years before that, and that's the best way to do it--really, really know what you want. I'd tell her to NEVER get one "just cause" or on the spur of the moment. A tattoo you'll love for the rest of your life is one that should be carefully considered and planned. But now they are coming out with inks that can be removed more easily, so maybe it won't be an issue. Plus by the time she's thinking about it, tattoos won't be cool anymore. Something else even more weird will be--like maybe attaching an extra limb or something.

Dooneybug asked what is one nice thing I could say about the conservative. Er, should I just pick a random conservative? Or do you mean conservatives in general? Well, in general I'd have to say they are damned cohesive and organized. Something I wish we liberals could do. We always get away from the major problems by yelling about our particular issue, and often those issues are so far out of the comprehension of most people no one listens, and we split up among ourselves. Drives me batty.

Janice asked what was the most successful weight loss program I've ever done. Well, that depends on how you define success. I went to a nutritionist for a year and using her program I lost 70lbs. But I couldn't eat sugar (at all--had to 5th or less in an ingredients list) or white flour at all, and I had to rigidly weigh and measure every fucking bite. I was crazed--I had a hard time going out to eat, if I thought I'd messed up I spent hours and hours berating myself. It was awful. But I lost a lot of weight. I had a better experience with WW; I lost about 50lbs and didn't have to be so incredibly regimented and had more food flexibility. But I got crazy with the extra points you get for exercise (I trend bulimic, and exercise bulimia is crazy-making for me). This time I plan to completely ignore the exercise points to  see if that helps that problem. So in answer to your question, Janice, they are all successful in one way or another. But I have yet to find a long-term solution.

Mary Bridgette wants to know about my addiction and recovery; what made me decide to quit. Sigh. That's such a big question. Here are a couple of posts where I talk about my addiction issues. Basically, I was ready when I was ready. I know that's not an answer. My last day out there I overdosed on intravenous cocaine; I had a ten minute long seizure and stopped breathing. That was enough for me--on that particular day. I made my decision to stop while I was in the emergency room. But lots of things made it easier for me; Sarah had already gotten sober and I'd gone to a few meetings so I knew what I was in for. Charlie decided to get sober with me. I know lots of folks that had to overdose three times before they quit. And I know lots of folks that didn't quit and died. There's no easy answer to that question. I wish I could help. I will recommend that anyone who loves an addict or alcoholic check out the support programs that are out there for you. If you need more information about them, email me and I'll tell you all about them.

Jessica asked how I motivated myself to get started on a diet. Truth is, I'm not particularly motivated. But I knew it was time; Tori was over six months old and eating solids so I could put my milk supply at risk, and I am officially 100 pounds--yes, you read that correctly--more than I was when I started infertility treatments. Honestly, if it was a lot harder than it's been I would have quit already. Not motivated in the least. Just doing it anyway. It's kind of like recovery meetings; they always say there are three times you need a meeting; when you want to go, when you don't care, and when you don't want to go. Same thing with dieting.

Leslie asked me if I've ever considered bariatric surgery. That's a difficult question to answer because I know a lot of folks out there have been successful with it, and I'm afraid my feelings about it will sound like I'm criticizing those that have gone that route. Gastric bypass is a major surgery that completely reroutes your intestinal track (it is NOT, by the way, "stomach stapling." Drives me crazy when they call it stomach stapling on the news. The procedure that used to be stomach stapling has been replaced with the new lap band procedure, and is a much less invasive and dramatic surgery. Gastric bypass completely changes the way your body processes food. The truth is that I have considered it, and I've rejected it. My body functions quite beautifully; my intestinal system is NOT the source of my fatness. My brain is. I don't think undergoing a major abdominal surgery to combat weight loss makes a lot of sense to me if I still have the same compulsively overeating brain when it's done. Also, of the three people I know personally who have undergone the surgery, two have had major complications. And several folks I don't know had the surgery and managed to gain the weight back a few years later anyway--one fellow all the way back up to 700+ pounds. It just seem drastic and ineffective to me, so no, I won't be getting it. I'd rather stay fat. But I'm glad it works for other people.

Jennifer and a couple other folks asked what kind of camera I got with your generous shower donations. I got this. Love it, love it, love it!

Jackie asked when we first heard Tori's heartbeat. I assume you mean in the womb, right? Heh. With an ultrasound, at about eight weeks. At home with the Doppler, at 13 weeks or so, I think. Oddly enough, I haven't listened to it since she's been here. I will put my ear to her chest tonight.

Paige asked what my favorite current TV show is and why. I have to confess that there are two: Ugly Betty and, I'm embarrassed to admit, The Class. Oh shit--and one more: Battlestar Gallactica. Ah, I really love me some TV. The reason I adore Ugly Betty is because, to quote someone smart, it's so intensely subversive. It uses camp to talk about some serious issues of materialism and things like immigration. I mean, it's the only TV show I know of with an openly gay child.  The Class I love because it's actually funny and makes me laugh out loud (even though I've mostly given up on sitcoms) and some of the actors are just adorable and sweet. Battlestar, well... it just fucking kicks ass.

Jess asked what blogs I read regularly. Well, darling, I will never tell. Because if I mention anyone, someone else will feel left out. Suffice it to say I read a ton of infertility blogs, some fat acceptance blogs, some feminist blogs, and some gossip blogs. Over 150 in all.

Kate asked how I feel about my c-section, and how I've recovered from it. Truth is, I feel fine. I think it took about three months to stop feeling any pain around my incision. I also feel blessed by the fact that there is NO question, at all, about whether or not I needed it. If I hadn't had a c-section, Tori would have been deprived of oxygen, which would have caused serious injury if not death. I am a perfect example of why c-sections exist. As time as passed, however, I do have to confess that I have a lot of grief about the eight hours I spent away from Tori in the recovery room. I know it was important that I be monitored--I mean, I almost bled to death after all. But I do think they might want to consider changes in the hospital so that Tori and Charlie could have been with me that whole time. It was hard to not have her with me.

Chrisj asked where, other than home, is my favorite place to be. I had to think a long time about that one. Truth is, camping. But certain moments while camping: after a hard day of hiking, sitting around the fire after a great dinner; in a canoe floating down a river with no one else in sight; or early morning, just as dawn is breaking, when it's raining softly--I love the sound of rain on the tent. Best sleep I ever get.

Jenny asked what role infertility plays in my life now that I have Tori. Well, it's kind of like my alcoholism now that I'm sober, or my asthma. It's just part of who I am and has contributed to the experiences that have shaped me. It's not a pressing abyss of misery anymore; it's more like a healed scar. You learn to live with it.

Whew! I'm going to stop there and pick this back up tomorrow. So many questions, so little time!