We Begin Again

So, I finally did it: I went and signed up for a weight loss program. I have begun, once again, to watch my weight--or be a weight, shall we say, watcher (like how clever I got to try to foil random searches?).

I went to a local church, went up the stairs (funny, how for-profit meetings held in churches are always upstairs, while non-profit recovery meetings are always in the basement), paid my $15, got my booklets and sat down for the meeting. I calculated my "point" allowance, and was happy to see that thanks to being a) a nursing mom and b) fatter than hell, I get roughly a gazillion points a day. The last time I was a committed WW, I got about half the points I get now. Amazing.

I sat and listened to the leader. Oh, she was cheerful. Optimistic. Enthusiastic. And I hated every minute of it. The meeting was crowded, of course, being a new year and the "free sign up" that's currently available. Nice people, all of them. But GOD how I hated it.

I don't care how excited the leader is about it, this is a DIET and is not a "lifestyle." Who the fuck would chose a lifestyle where you take the calories, fat, and fiber of every food you eat, use a little cardboard calculator to assign it a "point" value, and then write it down in a little journal and THEN go to a meeting once a week where you are publicly weighed and measured.

Seriously.

I knew it was time to go. Unlike everyone else there, it isn't a New Year's Resolution for me (I only made one resolution--to be sure to kiss Tori at least 100 times a day all year. Easy to do). I chose this time to go because Tori has had breast milk for a full six months+, and is now eating solids a couple of times a day. Therefore I can take a small hit to my milk supply, should one happen, with a radical decrease in my calories. I am still trying to pump once or twice a day PLUS do all her feedings on the breast while I'm still home from work (I go back to work Tuesday--sob!). This should keep my supply up fairly well even though I'm eating a lot less.

So far, I've been "on point" for 48 hours. I do feel like I'm hungry all the time, but that's OK. I'm surprised to realize just how much I've been eating. Yikes. I'm hoping to hit my 10% goal by my birthday at the end of April. We shall see.

I find myself facing this, this yet another fucking diet, with a leaden resignation. It's different than the way I've dieted before. Sometimes I've tried to start a diet when I wasn't yet willing (like after I lost the boys). Sometimes I've been ready and enthusiastic and pleased as punch to do it.

But this time, I just know it's time and it's the right thing to do. I really want to be a bit lighter and in better shape by the time summer camping season comes around. I want to have a body light enough to run after Tori with ease when she begins walking. It's time, and I'm ready.

But I'm not happy about it. Just so you know.

_______________________________________________

Last night my mom babysat Tori again and Charlie and I got to go see another movie. We chose "Children of Men" because of its excellent reviews and Clive! Owen! is in it.

I haven't read the book it's based on; but as Brooklyn Girl pointed out recently, in the book it was the MEN that were infertile. In the movie, naturally, it's women that are infertile (just in case you weren't sure that Hollywood is misogynistic).

It's seriously depressing. I mean DE-PRESS-ING. But it's also really good. Great acting, incredible story, beautifully filmed. Tough, though. Not sure I could have handled it if Tori wasn't in my life (we both felt the need to run home and see the baby after). So if you are still climbing up the infertility hill, you might want to skip it.

However, it's finally provided something to say to people who don't understand infertility. The movie beautifully captures the loss of hope, faith, and joy that comes with infertility. Every moment of the movie is like an illustration of the grief and rage, apathy and exhaustion, misery and hopelessness that is the life of an infertile.

So if anyone asks you what it's like, just tell them to see that movie. It's perfect.

Comments

[victoria]

I'm with you on the weight loss thing. I've decided to try to do it on my own, and I'm not thrilled about it, but I know I have to. Grace will be 2 this summer, and I need to be conscious of the image that I am giving her. Healthy, active and happy is how I want to live my life, and that's not the case right now. Good Luck with the WW, I always find it helpful.

[Katie]

Have you ever looked into the online version of your current diet? I love it! Plus, no meetings (although some people do feel that the meetings push them towards their goals...)

[Jane]

Thanks to being short, having a desk job, and being young, I get somewhere in the neighborhood of half a point a day. I'm a struggling Lifer.

[JL]

I found that I do better if I have to go someplace to weigh-in - rather than just doing it at home. I'm so bad about not holding myself accountable that way. I did try WW online - but didn't work just for that. Am now doing LAWL because I have to weigh in three times a week with them. Hard - but humiliation works for me I guess.

I always tell people - losing weight is 99% mental and 1% physical. It's my brain that screwed up and made me fat!

[JL]

Oh - and good luck.

[Julie]

I was on WW a few years ago - it does work. If you don't already know this - the 94% fat free microwave popcorn is your friend. Some brands, for a whole BIG bag, are 0 or 1 points if I remember correctly. It will help keep you full too!

When you're hungry just remember why you are doing it - that will help you.

[Ariella]

I've been on WW before. I find the Core plan infinitely easier and more palateable than the points plan. I also find it ridiculous that they encourage people to eat things like fat-free cheese or yogurt while knowing how much sugar is added to those items in order to make them fat-free. I'm currently on the Core plan, but eat low-fat dairy products and think it works pretty well.

I also detest the meetings. Women crying because they "can't" lose is just not a motivator for me. I do the online version.

Good luck! I have about 60lbs to lose right now, and have lost 4 so far. Onward and upward (or downward, as the case may be).

[Carla Hinkle]

Good luck. I am dreading the weight-loss that I will inevitably have to work on for a wedding that I am brides-maiding in Sept. Dieting, whether a little or a lot, just sucks.

Try not to get down on yourself if you don't lose as much/as quickly as you want. We won't ...

[Em]

Congrats on tackling the weight issue again. I'm right there with you -- joined WW when my daughter was 6 mos. old (5 months ago), also pleased with my number of points thanks to nursing, and except for the first one, haaaaated the meetings. In that first meeting we were supposed to write down our goals for losing weight, and I realized that mine wasn't wasn't just to weigh less but to set a good example for my daughter. I've been overweight and had food issues for as long as I can remember, and I don't want to her struggle as I have. Best of luck to you!

[Kim]

Good Luck, it's going to be hard, but the best things are worth waiting for. I would be right there with you, but I've stopped smoking 11 days now, and I have to take baby steps, after a month of no smoking I'm going to go back to WW. Keep us updated on your progress, I'm here for support

[Heatherg]

Ya. I jumped on the WW bandwagon myself. I get points. I suppose. If thats what you wanna call them. My favorite meal in the world is Fried chicken fingers with FF and coleslaw and big ole piece of texas toast. How many points doyou think that is? I cant find it on my cardboard thingy??

But i am ready too. I need to and i know it and i refuse to ignore it anymore.

You could walk with tori in the stroller? I have to go to actual meetings to weigh in. (Like cattle-lol)

Im having to re-learn to cook for a family of 6. Southern cooking for 9 years has taken it's toll. On my ass.

Good Luck to us both.

[Kari]

I was just thumbing my WWers 10% keychain today, the one I've kept using while I gained all of that 10% and then some back (gained that back trying to get pregnant, then gained a gazillion more while pregnant...) thinking of how I need to go back. How many extra points do you get for nursing? If I know I get to eat extra, maybe that will be a good motivator... Good luck to you!

[Jill]

Is it a head hunger (craving), or stomach hunger? I can handle being truly hungry, but hate cravings. If you pay attention you may find foods that trigger cravings, and by eliminating them make it easier. Good luck from a fellow struggler.

[Aisha]

I like how you point out that its not fun to be on a diet and tht no matter how enthusiastic people appear for some of us its miserable, a thing to be borne to get the results we want, and nothing more. I used to actually fail diets thinking of how some people seemed so motivated and I struggled each day. I thought I couldnt lose weight if I struggled to fight cravngs. I also am starting a diet and one thing i've stopped doing is snacking while I walk around, cook, etc. I was shocked at how much I ate in this manner. Anyways, good luck, I know you can do it, and I am rooting for you!

[Michelle]

Some assvice!

Just from my own personal experience, this has been the best thing I have ever done for my weight and my health: read the book "Outsmarting The Female Fat Cell". It has really changed my life. And this really is a lifestyle, not a diet! I could never stick to WW because I hate rules and counting.

[Dawn]

I'm liking this so far:
http://www.sparkpeople.com

I don't read the boards (I'm so not a joiner) but I like the tracking capabilities a whole lot and some of the articles don't suck.

[mamadaisy]

more power to you, sista. there's nothing better than being in good health so you can have energy to enjoy life and play with your daughter. i'm sorry it's so miserable getting there. best of luck to you.

[Lisa]

More assvice from me, I read a book last summer after I saw the writer get interviewed during a PBS pledge drive called "Ultrametabolism" by a guy named Dr. Mark Hyman.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I've posted about it here before, but it's an incredibly smart book that explains how your body works, how your cells metabolize certain kinds of foods, and I loved it because it was a really scientific book that didn't talk down to the reader. Anyway, the doctor advises lifestyle changes, like cutting certain unhealthy food additives out of your diet forever (like high fructose corn syrup- who needs that anyway?)

I wish I could shout from the rooftops about this book, it changed my life. I lost some weight last summer, and I've maintained it without ever feeling like I'm on a diet, I still can eat pizza and cookies and candy, but I try to eat foods with all natural ingredients (trader joe's pizza, homemade cookies, crystallized ginger candy), and I don't feel like I'm on a "diet." Diets suck! Anyway, I really recommend reading the book, and I'd really be interested to hear your opinion on it! Hopefully this isn't too ass-vicey!!

[Sheri]

I agree with Michelle about the book "Outsmarting the Female Fat Cell" Tons of eye-opening material in there!

Lots of support from me. I hate to diet. I. hate. it.immensely. and I wont do it. I try to exercise and strength train. Build leaner, strong muscles that eat the hell out of calories just to stay that way.

[Em]

Best of luck! I have zero self-discipline, so I know I couldn't do it. Just like I am struggling to make myself exercise. I'm just no good at it! LOL

[Amanda]

I think I'd rather die than ever step foot into a WW meeting, but that's just me. You're brave, either way.

And I wouldn't worry too much about your milk supply. I've found it has almost nothing to do with what or how much I eat. Now that I think about it, it also has little to do with what I drink - just as long as I drink enough of it.

Good luck. I hope you'll keep blogging about your weight loss. It's such a big issue for so many of us.

[Colleen]

Dieting sucks. I need to do it but can't seem to stick to anything. My goal is to provide a good example for my daughter. You'd think that'd be enough to keep me from pushing chocolate into my pie hole. Hmmm. Not yet. Monday?

I applaud you for joining that group. I keep thinking I will but I haven't yet. Maybe I'll check out the online thing. Sounds like a possibility. Wishing you the best!

[Lisa S (aka Stolidoli)]

Just came back from my WW meeting and read your entry. I gain about 75 lbs every time I'm pregnant - nausea makes me want to eat things I don't even normally like, like potato chips, in MASS quantities. I feel like a totally different person when I'm pregnant, it's odd. Anyway, I'm back down 28 as of tonight, with another 25 until goal and almost 35 until prepregancy weight. I do think of WW as a lifestyle now and that's why I think I've been successful at it, but I didn't at first.

The formula, btw, is calories over 50, plus fat over 12, minus fiber (not more than 4) over 5. I can do it in my head easily so I don't feel glued to the slide ruler. Anyway, I remember STARVING when I first started and now if I go heavily over my points for the day I feel sick. Sometimes I even have to eat more at the end of the night when I realize that I haven't had all of my daily points.

I realize that if the size 16/18 me read my comment before I started WW years ago I would totally hate me, but I'll actually post it with hopes that you'll read it and think that maybe someday you will think of it as a "lifestyle" too, in skinny jeans eating a low fat ice cream treat like I just did (OK, not in my REALLY skinny jeans yet but getting there, as I lick ice cream off of my lips). ;)

Good luck and I'm glad you're back on the wagon!

Way to go on the WW thing....that's got to be tough and take a lot of bravery. I know you have a ton of people behind you!!

If you notice a decrease in your milk supply, there is a tea called "Mother's Milk" that you can get at any GNC, health food store, etc.--I drank that stuff by the gallon while I was nursing my second kid. Just a cup or two a day made a huge difference, and it actually tastes good. Just a thought!

[Brooklyn Girl]

Good luck with the weight watching, and I was interested to hear your thoughts on the movie. I may just have to swallow my indignation and see it.