Bad Blogger!

I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry.

But this tooth shit really fucked me up. It's still going on too. Yesterday I went back to the dentist because although I felt better on Saturday (well enough to walk four whole miles!), by Sunday night I was in so much pain again I seriously considered taking the Vicodin again, puking be damned.

I went back to the dentist yesterday; turns out that I had one dry socket and all four sockets showed signs of infection. One packed socket and some penicillin later, I'm beginning to feel like I might survive this.

I will NEVER allow anyone to remove four teeth at once again.

I'm glad I kept the teeth themselves, though; one of my student workers is going to try to work them into an art project. Heh.

___________________________________________

Just when I'm spending time feeling sorry for myself, I get a comment from someone like Niobe. Three months ago she also lost twins to preeclampsia; one was stillborn and the other died a few days after birth.

She claims in her comment that she is "neither strong nor graceful," but once you read just a few entries on her blog you see that she is both incredibly strong and graceful. Anyone that survives the loss of children without killing themselves (or someone else), in my opinion, is doing pretty damn well. The careful thought she put into her screen name is evidence of her grace; lord knows there were many days I wish I could have been turned into a stone rather than feel the pain.

Her loss is harder to bear, I imagine, than mine; I never saw or held my boys. When I think about that I feel horribly sad, but I know that seeing them would have made the loss all the sharper.

I told Niobe "I wish I could reverse time and take it back for you; and I also wish I could speed up time and let you know that it does change, you will laugh, and you will be able to breathe deeply without risking a sob. Really." I am sure that she doesn't believe it. I didn't, three months after I lost the boys. I remember seeing other bloggers post photos of their babies and even though I was happy for them, the small glimpses of tiny baby feet just made me collapse with rage and sadness. People told me then that it would get better and I knew that it never would. Three months after I lost my sons, I wrote this. I hated God so much.

But it did. And it got better long before Tori was born. By six months, I was able to write about blow jobs.  A year later, I was able to set aside all of my fears and underwent a Frozen Embryo Transfer and got pregnant with Tori.

Now, Tori is almost nine months old. I can't imagine my life any other way than it is now. I even find myself able to open my heart to God again. I never thought that would happen.

My sons are a constant shadow on my heart. That grief will never leave me, and I will always wonder at the unfairness of the universe. But love has healed me--the love of you readers, the people that sustained me throughout; the love of my friends and family; my husband; and now, of course, Tori.

None of this is any comfort to Niobe, I imagine. In fact, if I were her, I would have started cursing out the writer by this point and vow to never again read that blog. So I will hold her in my heart and my prayers, hoping that one day soon she will find a measure of peace. Please also hold her in yours.

Comments

[Amy D.]

You're so right, Cecily. Three and four months ago, I couldn't even look at pictures of Tori, as cute as she's always been. Even now, it's too hard to read your letter to God that you linked to here.

My husband's friends had a baby on Christmas Eve and I told him I didn't even want to see the picture. Took me another month or so to even ask if it was a boy or a girl, what they named her (Amelia). It's really hard to not be jealous and resentful, and I only lost a very early-on fetbryo, nowhere near the kind of experiences you and Niobe have gone through.

But now, I'm ready for as much baby-time as I can get, in person, online, anywhere! Bring on the babies! Even if I never get one of my own, the way you share Tori with us is just priceless! As always, thanks for sharing!

[lys]

You are an incredibly stong woman Cecily and I'm sure an inspiration to many.

[Jenni]

Stop making me cry woman! I tear up for you and everyone who has lost a child and how unfair life is, and I tear up in happiness at how amazing power we have to heal. And of course some overwhelming weird emotion I have at what feels like a miracle, even though it happens millions of times a year - I have a baby.

Poor you and your tooth. Even just for fillings and cleaning I feel like my mouth has violated, I can only imagine how you feel. Did you try the asprin?

[Whitney]

Ok, so I just went and hugged my 2 girls and now they think I am crazy!! Thanks for all the links. Good reads!

[car]

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry about your teeth! My 7 year old has his extractions today, so I feel your pain. We're praying to avoid dry socket, especially since he managed to pull out his stitch less than 3 hours after we got home (sigh).

You're so strong, and I'm sure it's a blessing that you and Niobe found each other.

[Kristin]

Oh, Cecily. My heart goes out to you at this time of year, and also to Niobe. Thank you for bringing her to our attention; I just wish ther ewas something I could offer her. Her comment...

"Life goes on," my "friends" say
"And on and on and on" I answer

...reminds me of a line from a book I read years ago. It's not remotely abot this depth of grief(although it's a wonderful young adult's novel), and I don't mean to minimize anybody's grief by drawing the connection...but the words are sriking, and might resonate. One character believes that another has died; when he finds out that she has not, he says (and by so saying, admits his feelings for her for the first time), "When I thought you were gone, for the first time it seemed to me that I had a long time left to live. A long time, and the season would always be winter."

I can only wish for healing for Niobe in the midst of that desolation. But in the midst of it, my heart goes out to her still further: it must feel almost like an insult to have anybody imply that there even CAN be healing. How can one possibly go on? I've never suffered a loss on this level, but the closest one left me thinking that I didn't WANT to get too far past it, because that would mean leaving the...immediacy of the feelings behind, including (I feared) the vivid memories I had and the the love I felt for the person who was gone. (If I got past the grief, would that also mean that I could no longer call up the sound of his voice in my mind?) How much harder must it be for somebody who also grieves not having the memories in the first place?

Well, this is one long stream of rambling, and probably not helpful to anybody. I'm sorry there's nothing more tangible I can offer either you or Niobe in the face of such loss - but I think you say it perfectly when you talk about holding people in your heart. To paraphrase yet another book...a character prays for two people, but not with words: instead, he sits and holds them in his heart, the way a pair of hands might gently cradle a wounded bird. I've often found the image helpful. Maybe it's a little something.

And boy oh boy, do I hope your tooth feels better soon. And Tori is lovely. =) And I'm in awe of how you've arrived at such a place of grace and compassion, and how even in the dark, you've shown grace and compassion all the way from there to here.

Best wishes -

[niobe]

"When I thought you were gone, for the first time it seemed to me that I had a long time left to live. A long time, and the season would always be winter."

Kristin: please, please tell me where this beautiful quotation comes from. I'm thinking Patricia McKillip, but I could be (and probably am) completely wrong.

And thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts, even if I'm still not at a place where they can penetrate the cold empty void that's managed to take the place of my heart.

Niobe

[Heather]

Cecily,
I know your pain of the dry socket. When I had to have two of my wisdoms surgically removed, the surgeon put me to sleep to do the work. When I came out of the anasthesia, I was immediately sick at my stomach and vomited all the home from the dental office. As a result, I came up with two dry sockets. The dentist told me later the vomiting caused me to lose the blood clots from the tooth sockets and caused them to be dry sockets. I had mine done about 13 years ago and from time to time will have some pain when the weather gets rainy or cold.
Thank you for sharing Niobe's site with all of us. Grief must be shared. It is the only way to survive. When I lost my first pregnancy in 1996, the internet was new, no blogs to reach out and help the suffering and anonymous, so I ended up burying so many of my feelings. When I was pregnant with my son in 2002 so many of those feelings and emotions flared up. There were days I grieved so desperately, that I wanted to go lay down on my grandfather's grave and wait for death to claim me. I was so afraid to be happy about the pregnancy, and we only told close family members until the last three months.

[Kristin]

Hello, Niobe -

The book is called "Jackaroo," and i THINK the author is Cynthia Voigt. I probably have some of the wording a hair bit off, but the lines have always struck me, so I hope it's mostly accurate. The bit about prayer is from one of the "Brother Cadfael" mysteries, by Ellis Peters, but I can't remember which one.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and you're in my thoughts -

[CharmingDriver]

It's impossible to parse the grief of a dead child weather it was a full term birth, a pre-term birth or a miscarriage.

We had no indication anything was wrong during my pregnancy and never could have foreseen a month in NICU ending with our son dying.

I think most pregnancies and births that result in death carry the same weight because even if for some reason you're forewarned something could go wrong, you can't ever prepare yourself for that loss.

When you're welcoming a new baby into your life and plans and those plans are snatched away, the pain, rage and impotent anger don't subside with the number of weeks into the pregnancy; you've dreamed of this baby, made changes in your life in preparation and then suddenly....it's all changed and all that remains are the love and hopes you carried, frozen in time.

Hugs to you Niobe and anyone else who has suffered the worst loss, the loss of a child.

[R]

I will, Cecily. I have some friends IRL who went through something similar to Niobe's loss about a year ago, and I can't even imagine. Reading here has given me some small measure of understanding, but grief like that...well, you know.

I hope your mouth feels better, stat!

[Julia]

It seems like today was one of those days, Cecily. Read my entry tonight and you'll see what I mean.

[Rissa]

Finally caught up on the blogs. Children are such a blessing. Hope your tooth gets better. Big Hugs!

[jeanie]

Cecily

One of your comments sort of hit me, because it is a conversation that a friend and I have often.

You said "Her loss is harder to bear, I imagine, than mine" - no disrespect to anyone's loss, but the loss of a child or children at any time of life is one that tears at the cortex and can never be compared.

My friend constantly beats herself up over her profound grief for losing her beautiful 17 year old daughter 18 months ago, and she keeps getting people telling her that she should be "over it" - I think that grief may fade in intensity and overwhelmingness, but it will always be part of who you are - and the fact that there is love and hope and joy at the life, no matter how long, how short or even how anticipated is represented by this grief - so everyone grieving, it shows your love and it is real.

I don't know if I put that how I meant to.

[Mary]

It's amazing to me that I can be so emotional about the loss of Niobe's twins. I don't know her personally, yet reading her blog and your note about it makes me tear up and want to rush over and hold Niobe close.

I think I really thought that, almost 2 years after losing my daughter, my grief had subsided. It makes me realize that pregnancy and infant loss will always hit me harder than other kinds of losses. And I need to embrace the idea that my grief will always be a part of me and, as you said, always be a shadow on my heart.

Thanks for posting this...also wanted to let you know your post caused me to email Niobe directly, to let her know my thoughts were with her and her twins.

[Liza]

Awww...love this one, Cec. Feel better.

[JuliaKB]

Cecily, thank you for giving hope to those of us wondering through the wilderness, and for the strength it must take to go back and remember.

[Frema]

Three years ago I had all my wisdome teeth PLUS one molar removed, and it was easy breezy, even though the wisdom teeth were impacted. However, my first crown was torture. It's no surprise that it later needed a root canal.

[ganiv]

hello.dear.its a beautiful and a very touching blog.i have an experience to share but never had the courage to open up to any one.it was after three years of our marriage we wetre looking forward to our first baby.but towards the end of my first trimester.the doctors could not find the reason why my dates were not coinciding with the growth of the baby.every checkup was a torture .what now this time.only my husband could understad what it was for me.i was scheduled to deliver in july but the dates till august 1996 end.however due to lack of medicle facilities were my husbanbd who is in the army we progressed till my last trimester.i was scheduled to leave so my hubbytold me that he wanted to see our baby before i left .there was an eeerie silence.the doctars had a ghostly look on their faces.my husband just freezed.i asked him what was wrong and we were told to come after sometime as the reports were being discussed with the radiologist.the report said i still remember POLYHYDRAMNOUS{A SITUATION IN WHICH THERE IS EXESS FLUID}MULTIPLECONGENITAL ABNORMALITIES AND MICROCEPHALY.SO IMPRESSION WAS A CLINICLEabortion.i was numb till i reached my parents i was admitted along with my mother.three days of slow induced labour i delivered my still born baby girl.it took thee yerars to heal from the episode.i cocived again only to miscarry due to a missed abortion.my final attempt took place under lot of medicle supervisin support of my inlaws not to forget lots of prayers.and ample of emotional support we wrere blessed with a baby boy on 13 dec 2000 through c section.we have named him jaskirat.though the pain has healed with passage of time but i am very close to realising that its a woman who feels empty the most u bleed when u see the emptiness in your brave husbands eyes who has to hide his emotions for the sake of ouer wellbeing
regards ganiv