Take a deep breath, and take that next step...

So.

I've come to a decision (no, it's not about this blog--calm down).

Many things in my life have fallen away since Tori was born. Most importantly, and most obviously, my focus on recovery and my spiritual growth has vanished. Lately I've been lucky to get to a meeting at all, and when I do, Tori is usually with me so I don't get that much out of it. I've known for a long while that this has to change, and soon, or I'm going to go crazy.

Yesterday it was a beautiful day here, and I happened to know that a meeting was happening around lunchtime just a short walk away, so I went. And as they can often be, it was a real eye opener. It helped open my eyes to a situation that has been bothering me for a long, long time.

As you may know, it's currently Lent. At church, my pastor is taking a moment each week to discuss how important it is to evaluate ourselves during this time and search out and target specific things we want to eliminate--both in ourselves and the world. The first week, it was prejudice and racism. Last week, it was pride and arrogance.

Then, lo and behold, pride was also mentioned in the subject of my meeting. Meaning that I'd twice in a week heard about pride in a spiritual context. And at the meeting, they were speaking specifically about setting aside your pride and trusting in God to take care of the things you can't.

Now, me and God have had a rocky relationship this last couple of years, as you know. For a long time after I lost the twins I hated God passionately. Eventually, I found myself less angry, and now that Tori is here, it's hard for me to not feel full of love towards everything, even God.

I realized at the meeting that while I no longer hate God, and even occasionally feel fondly in God's general direction, I still don't trust the tricky bastard. I do not feel like I can turn things over to God and trust that they will be taken care of. Because, after all, exactly WHEN has that worked out for me?

Well, gee. Maybe this? Time to set aside my pride, wouldn't you say? Cause my life is pretty damn great, at least as far as my family is concerned.

But I've been struggling with something for months. I need to make a change, and it's scary as hell. I'm terrified. I have no faith whatsoever that things will work out. But as they say, leap, and with any luck, the net will appear.

Well, folks, I'm leaping.

Comments

[Ellen]

You go, Cecily. We'll be praying for you. And wishing you the luck of the Irish, too. ;)

[Val]

YOU GO GIRL! I know you will find the right situation just be patient!

[Teenuh]

You go girlfriend! Good luck!! :)

[Monica]

Just keep trusting that either a net will be there to catch you or God will give you wings to fly. I'm not a huge fan of God myself, but this is something I'm working on in my own life. I really have found that if I really have faith and trust that I won't crash too hard, things do work out. Here's hoping and wishing that the universe takes care of you in the way you need most. Good luck!!

[Lala]

What a neat way to take this step. Good luck! There are bunch of us out here who'd like to follow in your footsteps if you make this work. You could be a trailblazer.

[Lala]

Sorry, that should have been "when" you make this work. I have complete confidence in you "stranger friend".

[Heather AKA Epiphany Alone]

You deserve kudos for recognizing the need for change.

There's a net there. I know there is.

[KidKate]

Hey, congrats--that is wonderful! I wish you lots of success!

[victoria]

Congrats on taking the leap. I too just took a little leap - and am working as a "virtual assistant". This fell into my lap 2 weeks ago, and so I am giving it a go. I have been at home for 6 years, and feel blessed that I don't have to work. But this is something that I can do from home, and make a little "extra" for the fun things in life. I'm excited for you, as you look for your "blessing".

[goodsandwich]

Dude, you know the word "alumnae."

I wish I could hire you for something right now!

[CharmingDriver]

Good luck to you, Cec. Carmen (at mom to the screaming masses) had given up on seeking freelance opportunities and....within a day had two offers. These things, like so, so many others, work themselves out for the best. Sending you good vibes, friend.

[niobe]

Sounds like a plan. Best of all possible luck (not that you'll need it)

[JK]

:-) Sending good thoughts your way for your new endeavors.

[Whitney]

Good thoughts and good luck to you!

[porter]

I knew it! Good for you! You've only got one life, live it baby. Good for you.

[kathleen999]

Yay Cecily!

Now for my unsolicted assvice about your resume. You aren't going to become a vet tech again...so I think you should take that off. It confuses those who do the hiring to see a different field of work on your resume. You have two outstanding jobs that you have been at for a while, and I think that's enough.

Sorry for the assvice.

[shelli]

I'll keep my eyes and ears open! HOW Computer savvy are you? Do you know PHP by chance? I know a few folks who need some php free lancers....

Mazal tov on that decision.

[SarahD]

Good for you, girl! Best of luck to you!

[Rachel H.]

I'll be pulling for you!

[Stephanie]

how awesome and scarey at the same time!!!!
You go!
and be sure to tell us all about it along the way!!!

cute lil girly there....she gets cuter every time you post pix!!! hehe

[AmyinMotown]

Woo, Cecily! I think you're a terrific writer and will be quite successful. As someone who's been a freelancer for while, though, can I give you a pointer?

Your lead shouldn't be "seeking freelance oportunities so I can spend more time with my daughter." Light under a bushel, lady. No one in a postion to pay you actual money wants to finance your WAHM dreams, they want to hire you because you're smart, a sharp and clever and at times very heartrending writer, and can bring your unique voice to their project. I noticed you didn't mention the blog at all--you may want to. You're probably in the top 10 among the infertility bloggers in traffic, at least. If I had your kind of traffic I'd be trumpeting that from the rooftops. You're a star, baby, sell it!!

I think you'll do great. If you pull this off, I might just follow you!

[mamadaisy]

good for you! best of luck. it's tough, but you can make it work.

[legalmama]

I was just coming on here to make the exact same comment that AmyinMotown made. I would not make the first thing you say that you are seeking to spend more time with your daughter. While that is a laudable reason for wanting to change jobs, as someone who reviews resumes pretty frequently, that is just not a good starter.

I have a friend who is looking to change jobs, and work hour flexibility and Fridays off to spend with her kids is key to her. But she knows to get the job first, make them want you, make them believe you are the right person for them, and use that power to negotiate what you want.

I have a friend who is the master of this strategy. She makes the employers drool to hire her, and after she dazzles them into offering her a job, molds the job into the perfect job for her schedule.

[revdrmom]

You go, girlfriend! Good luck!

[Joy]

I'm a theologian by trade and I so understand what you say here. I'm currently going through a miscarriage and I've somehow gotten used to the disappointment (though I do have my miracle boy, my son). I find it hard to "let go and let God." Very hard. Honestly, I don't know that I've done it all lately. I don't have any answers, I just appreciate you sharing your journey.