Patience is Trying

So, one whole week into the new venture, I find myself of two minds.

First off, I was completely startled by my emotional reaction to making the decision to make a change. I suddenly was able to smile more easily, laugh more easily, and I felt a hundred pounds lighter (truthfully, I'm 15 pounds lighter now). It wasn't nearly as painful to walk away from Tori in the morning and go to work. I had no idea how miserable I'd become in these last few months.

But on the other hand (why is there always another hand?), I feel overwhelmed and mildly defeated. As of now, I've sent out over 30 resumes. And have heard back from exactly one (and that position was filled). Of course I know it's only been a week; and truthfully, I'd like to stay where I am now through the academic year anyway (I don't want to leave them in the lurch--they have been really, really good to me--but if the right opportunity came along, I'd go sooner). But I do feel like I have a lot to offer and I'd really thought I'd be able to begin brushing up on my interviewing skills by now--at least by phone.

Patience is not easy for me.

This morning I found myself once again feeling immensely sad as I kissed Tori goodbye (she, of course, barely noticed). My feet felt heavy as I got off the train and walked to the college. My initial burst of joy and relief is being overshadowed by my old buddy hopelessness.

God. Hopelessness is like a rut in the road my tire fits perfectly; it's just so easy to go there. Even when I have wonderful things happening, I can't seem to shake it. For instance, I'm quoted in this truly marvelous book--it's a great study of the pain of unanswered prayer, told from a Christian perspective. The author excerpted this prayer I wrote over a year ago (his essay around it is just marvelous--my favorite part is when he says something along the lines of "I can't quote it completely and still call this a good Christian book" because I so rock the swearing). What an amazing honor to be included! Yet, today, I still feel flattened.

I doubt this will last--these little dips I get never do. Especially because tonight my dear, dear friend Dave and his girlfriend Deni are coming into town to stay with us for a few days while they go to a wedding. Dave is one of my touchstones, a man so spiritually grounded that talking to him makes me feel better in under thirty seconds (he usually does this by making me laugh at myself--if he wasn't on a plane right now flying here and I was telling him all of this on the phone all he'd have to say is "CEC...", in a tone that indicated to me that I was allowing myself to be a victim of self-centered fear. Then he'd laugh, and I'd have to laugh too). So by this time tomorrow, I'll be feeling much, much better.

But right now, when I look over the long and beautiful list of books you guys suggested for me to read to Tori (thank you so much!), I just feel so sad that I can't sit her down right this very minute and read her one. I want to give her a big ol' squeeze (she has just started squeezing back). I want to put her to my breast instead of the damned pump. I want to look across the room at her playing with her toys and watch her face light up when she sees me watching her.

*snuffles with self-pity*

Alright, I'm getting tired of myself. Self-pity and self-centered fear are so damned unattractive. Things will happen when they are meant to. As one mildly bitter person said once, "All in God's time... but I sure wish I could sneak a peek at his calendar."

Off to send another resume.

Comments

[SarahD]

I recently heard that in job searches, for every 10k you want to make, that's how many months you should allow in your search. Looking back on my last job search, that was a little under but almost right. I know it's very demoralizing to send out so many and not hear back, but definitely stick with it. I very nearly stopped and had totally stopped caring or expecting to hear anything back when I stumbled across this job. Just keep at it and don't worry--you will get the right job because you're you! ;)

[Annika]

I hear you. I've been applying for writing jobs for two years. I am offered every non-paying job I apply for. I have a great portfolio, anyway...
Please don't think I'm comparing -- it is not a competition! I am confident something will come your way. But I know that the wait is frustrating.

[Jenn]

Let me tell you what my husband ran into while he was job searching: you send a resume and application by the specified closing date, and then the company sits on it for at least a month, usually more. Then someone will call for a phone interview, tell you what a wonderful candidate you are, promise that someone will call to schedule a real interview next week...and they never call. Or! You get a real interview and never hear from them again!

I really hope you have better luck than that, but from what I've heard from other job-searching friends, companies move at their own slow-ass speed and common courtesy has gone out the window. I really, really hope you have better luck than that! I know something will come your way, it just takes a crapload of patience.

[Whitney]

Glad your friends are coming, hopefully that will be a fun time! Hang in there on the job search. We are all pulling for you!

[Stephanie]

Ok, job hunting I know- am laid off right now :-). I officially started my search end of January, cause I knew the layoff was coming. Right now I have about 200 resumes out. Typically, the things I'm getting called about now are the things I applied to a couple weeks to a month ago.
There's so many applicants these days...it takes awhile. I'm operating on the numbers theory-sort of like a pyramid scheme. If I throw out 100 resumes, I may get 10 responses. Of those, 1 may lead to and interview.
Think of it like that, and track your response rates :-). Only after you have 1 month in and 50 resumes out though :-)

[Momma Bee]

Yup, with you here too. Was laid off as of Decemeber, have been doing hourly-type work since (and grateful for whatever work, granted). When I started the job search (in October or so, since I knew the lay-off was coming), I felt empowered by talking about my need to balance motherhood and career in interviews and receiving positive feedback, but my balloon was soon deflated since all that seemed available was full-time (plus) work, and it's harder than hell to find anything part-time/flexible with benefits. Sadly, I've come away feeling that there's not much more than lip service paid to the mother-career balance, and yet, where there's a will, there's a way. You will find your path, of that I'm sure.

[Amy D.]

"allowing myself to be a victim of self-centered fear." That's why I read you CEC! That's a great way to describe how I end up feeling hopeless, too. Good luck working on your patience, I too know what a bitch that can be, even without job-hunting!

[Jill]

Job hunting is so demoralizing. Like Jenn said, they sit on the resumes and apps for a month or longer. Don't give up. And don't forget to check craigslist, careerbuilder, etc.

Is there anyway you can work more from home with your current job? Also, Amy recently gave some great advice on how to put together a work from home career. I'll put in the link and hope it works for you. http://www.alphamom.com/site/smackdown/work_life/

Don't give up. And my final piece of advice- ask God what he wants you to do. xo

[Leggy]

You might not want to hear this, but in my experience, I find sending resumes to be mostly a dead-end. I've gotten most of my jobs through networking and doing informational interviews. For one job, I swear I went on about 70 informational interviews before the right opportunity came along. But I tell you, those 70 interviews paid off because a year later, we moved suddenly and I called someone I had done an interview with the year before and he connected me to people in the new area and I got a job fairly quickly. I'd be happy to talk to you more about the pros (people remember you more than if you just send a resume) and cons (time-consuming) of doing informational interviews, etc.

[Jo-Ann]

Good Luck with the hunt. Job hunting can be the most frustrating demoralizing thing ever.

PLEASE Tell Dave and Deni a huge hello from us!

[spacemom]

Job hunting sucks. Perhaps this is why I have worked at the same place for 10 years even with different jobs.

I wish you strength. And don't you dare think that Tori doesn't notice when you leave. She does. And she KNOWS that you will be back. Because she is still young enough to never have the hurt that someone can leave us...

[Tiffany]

Like everyone else has said keep working at the new job. I have found that when I have just about given up something comes up. I found my last two jobs that way. You know I live in a small town so the pay is awful and I have to work hard to have a decent paying job. You have only been working at it for a week but keep it up. At the attorney's office I work for they have had an ad out for a while and received many responses for a new attorney but I don't think they have called anyone yet and it has been months.

Congrats on the 15 pounds weight loss - keep it up!

[liz]

With your experience as a vet tech and your typing skills, maybe you could get a job doing medical transcription? They send you the tapes (or you pick them up) and you can do it at home.

[DebbieS]

Cecily, I'm surprised you don't get offers thrown at you left and right just from how you write on your blog! You have every sign to me of someone who's not only going to make it, but make it big. So stick with it, and when you get there, remember that I told you so!!

Fifteen pounds...that's a small turkey!! That's just terrific! Just think, someday that will come in handy when you have to pick out a hot outfit to wear on Letterman =)

[ls]

I am going to have to back up the writer above that mentioned networking. I work for a recruiting company, and most of our blind candidates (ones that contact us) come through networking. And, it never hurts to use one of the free resume posting boards, www.monster.com and www.careerbuilder.com are two of hte biggies. Free to post. We use them daily to search for candidates. And submit your stuff to online mags like Alphamom and the others and try to garner a few extra bucks that way. Things will happen for you-you've shown your resilience in the past- but probably not overnight. Network network network!! Use your college, cotnact the English dept about tutoring/teaching, anything else that involves less time away from your angel.

[Lady In Waiting]

I can DEFINITELY relate to your feelings of hopelessness regarding a job change. I have been waiting for months to hear about a few jobs. Just take one day, one moment at a time if you have to. I try not to look at the calendar too much (which is hard since we are TTC!) and tell myself that I am in a good place in my life generally and so I will end up in a better place professionally. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes it just makes me crazed and angry!

[Val]

Silly girl-patience! I got fired from my first real job because I told the jerk I was going to look for another job. It took 12 weeks, but I got two offers on the same day! Once the "interviews start" don't let them frustrate you. I went on a gizillon interviews (it was a legal secretary position). Ugh!

[Jen]

"Hopelessness is like a rut in the road my tire fits perfectly; it's just so easy to go there. "

Indeed.

The giving-up-ness of the spirit.

Yet it prompts us sometimes to make some moves, and from those moves sometimes come great things. Here's hoping your moves get some great things rolling your way!!

And way to go on 15lbs! Nope, didn't miss that little info bite...you've inspired me to get back to WW and I snagged a list of local meetings of the 'net just minutes ago... Thanks!!!

[Liana]

I think you've really got to get your head around how difficult it is to get a job these days. I've watched my husband struggle for the past year. Hundreds of resumes, thousands of phone calls, and he still remains an Ivy League grad, Wharton MBA, former investment banker, and strategy consultant working part time in a grocery store. Even Radio Shack wouldn't hire him.

[Tiffany]

it is so hard to put yourself out there. i wish you the very, very best.

P.S. - i awarded your blog the Thinking Blogger Award. I am mostly a lurker, but I love it so much and it truly does make me think. The rules of the award are listed on my site. Congratulations. :)

[Jenni]

Job searching is well and truly the most soul destroying task. Constant rejection. Truly horrendous. I am a relatively confident person but feeling rejected, particularly having gotten to the second interview stage a few times, is HORRIBLE! No advice for on this.
On another topic let me offer some assvice :). Talk therapy really is super for helping with those feeling hopelessness and really digging at what's REALLY bothering you. And if nothing else it's some good just me me me me time that gets ignored with all the time that parenting, work, and everything else takes up.

[Anne]

Yup, yup. I got fired (well, it was a contractual position and I had to reapply and reinterview for the SAME FRIGGIN' job I had been doing--and then they hired someone else) in July. First time ever. Yikes. What a blow to the ol' self esteem. It also took me months (about 4) of very active searching to find a new job. The new job also came (as some others have posted) when I had more or less given up and resigned myself to waiting until after my baby was born to start looking again--because I was well into my 2nd trimester when I was laid off. In fact, I had started telling people in the interview that I was pregnant (I wasn't showing much at the time), because I was sick of hiding it and wanted to more or less make sure I didn't get hired. Well, they hired me anyway. Turns out it is a much better fit for me than my old job, and pays about 9 grand more, too. But in the interim--good god I was depressed. I even applied for a part time job at a dog daycare center, and didn't get hired. Although I realize now that it was probably because they looked at my previous "white collar" job history and surmised that I wouldn't stay long, at the time I thought, "jeez, I can't even get a minimum wage position--what does that say about me?"

Chin up--it takes a long freakin' time, and obsessively sending out resumes, for ANYONE to get a job in this climate. Keep up the good work!

[AmyinMotown]

Amalah's advice is right on, asking for work from people who already know your work is key. Also, I found in my freelancing life that nothing happens for the longest, most demoralizing stretch, and then boom, the phone won't stop ringing!

When I was in the worst job ever, I decided every time I would let myself get all twisted up about how bad it was, I had to send a resume or an email or something that would advance the ball on getting thhe hell OUT. It gave me back a feeling of control. Maybe try that?

[anonymousey]

Job searching sucks. Long story, I had to move back home two states away. I've been here since January and *just* got my first job offer yesterday. I've had six years of customer service experience... No idea why it was so damn hard to find a job.

xoxo

[Don't Really Care]

wah wah wah. Get over yourself already. You are sooooo needy. I can't stand reading your crap anymore.