Patience is Trying

So, one whole week into the new venture, I find myself of two minds.

First off, I was completely startled by my emotional reaction to making the decision to make a change. I suddenly was able to smile more easily, laugh more easily, and I felt a hundred pounds lighter (truthfully, I'm 15 pounds lighter now). It wasn't nearly as painful to walk away from Tori in the morning and go to work. I had no idea how miserable I'd become in these last few months.

But on the other hand (why is there always another hand?), I feel overwhelmed and mildly defeated. As of now, I've sent out over 30 resumes. And have heard back from exactly one (and that position was filled). Of course I know it's only been a week; and truthfully, I'd like to stay where I am now through the academic year anyway (I don't want to leave them in the lurch--they have been really, really good to me--but if the right opportunity came along, I'd go sooner). But I do feel like I have a lot to offer and I'd really thought I'd be able to begin brushing up on my interviewing skills by now--at least by phone.

Patience is not easy for me.

This morning I found myself once again feeling immensely sad as I kissed Tori goodbye (she, of course, barely noticed). My feet felt heavy as I got off the train and walked to the college. My initial burst of joy and relief is being overshadowed by my old buddy hopelessness.

God. Hopelessness is like a rut in the road my tire fits perfectly; it's just so easy to go there. Even when I have wonderful things happening, I can't seem to shake it. For instance, I'm quoted in this truly marvelous book--it's a great study of the pain of unanswered prayer, told from a Christian perspective. The author excerpted this prayer I wrote over a year ago (his essay around it is just marvelous--my favorite part is when he says something along the lines of "I can't quote it completely and still call this a good Christian book" because I so rock the swearing). What an amazing honor to be included! Yet, today, I still feel flattened.

I doubt this will last--these little dips I get never do. Especially because tonight my dear, dear friend Dave and his girlfriend Deni are coming into town to stay with us for a few days while they go to a wedding. Dave is one of my touchstones, a man so spiritually grounded that talking to him makes me feel better in under thirty seconds (he usually does this by making me laugh at myself--if he wasn't on a plane right now flying here and I was telling him all of this on the phone all he'd have to say is "CEC...", in a tone that indicated to me that I was allowing myself to be a victim of self-centered fear. Then he'd laugh, and I'd have to laugh too). So by this time tomorrow, I'll be feeling much, much better.

But right now, when I look over the long and beautiful list of books you guys suggested for me to read to Tori (thank you so much!), I just feel so sad that I can't sit her down right this very minute and read her one. I want to give her a big ol' squeeze (she has just started squeezing back). I want to put her to my breast instead of the damned pump. I want to look across the room at her playing with her toys and watch her face light up when she sees me watching her.

*snuffles with self-pity*

Alright, I'm getting tired of myself. Self-pity and self-centered fear are so damned unattractive. Things will happen when they are meant to. As one mildly bitter person said once, "All in God's time... but I sure wish I could sneak a peek at his calendar."

Off to send another resume.

Comments

[Auburn]

I can easily see this comment slipping into the realm of assvice so please forgive me in advance if it does. And I actually hate getting unsolicited advice myself so if you are at all like me feel free to stop reading right here. okay.

I consider myself a bit of an expert at job searching since I did freelance/contract work for 6 years and therefore was always, constantly, endlessly looking for a job. I took a staff job recently because I actually have more flexibility in some ways with a full time staff job at a small family friendly company than I ever did in the high pressure short term independent contract jobs I used to work. So just a few thoughts--when you send out 30 resumes in a week I am thinking that you are casting a rather wide net. I can't imagine that there were 30 jobs that you felt were a really great fit for you. Right now, my guess is, that you are kind of just throwing it out there. Which isn't a bad thing! You have to get your feet wet and practice job search skills. And also you have the energy for that right now so capitalizing on that early enthusiasm is great.

But remember that you have one very huge advantage on your side in this search and that is that you have a good job that isn't looking to kick you to the curb any time soon. Most job searchers would kill for that! So as frustrating as it is you have the luxury of being able to do a very targeted, thoughtful search rather than a desperate throw out hundreds of resumes and see what sticks approach. That is a HUGE advantage!

In my experience you are as, if not more, likely to get one response from 5 well targeted resumes and phone calls as you are from 50 less targeted resumes. Job searching can be very demoralizing so be careful not to burn yourself out too early. If you look to send out 5 resumes and/or make 5 job related contacts a week you can more carefully craft a cover letter that lets that place know why you are the perfect fit for them and you'll have more time to call and speak to someone and try to charm your way into an meeting than if you are doing big mass mailings and replying to every ad that even halfway fits your criteria.

I know that patience is hard but you have time on your side so use it to your advantage. When I was a freelancer I never once got a job from a blindly sent resume or answering a job ad. Every single one was from word of mouth or industry contacts so I think, especially in the freelance world, that contacts are king. Your time is likely much better used in networking and making and exploiting personal connections than churning out resumes. My staff job was the first of the maybe 15-20 jobs I have had that I ever got from answering an ad.

I know any employer out there would be very lucky to have you. And make sure you go into every phone call and every interview believing and knowing that too! It will show.

Okay, I'll shut up now. Good luck!!!!

[seepi]

Just a word of caution. You know... when you work from home, you never get away from the guilt. You have to put the baby down to make calls, your boss rings while you are feeding, you could always be doing a bit more work instead of playing with the baby.
Just cos you are at home, doesn't mean you are with the baby.
Just something to think about.

[Jackie]

I just wanted to encourage you to keep up with the fight, so to speak. Your courage to start looking for a new job has inspired me to open up my own on-line art store, so thank you!!

Best of Luck!!

[Anna]

ah, hopelessness -- I'm fighting it every day when I come into our store and wait for customers, and watch gas prices rise and crappy weather bear down. The only thing that helps (aside from keeping busy, usually making jewelry) is repeating that Third Step, early and often. It doesn't cure it -- some days it barely keeps it at bay -- but it helps me pull back out of my own cozy rut for long enough to feel sane, on the balance.

and the job search... oy. don't get me started on that.... (...made a decision... to turn our will and our lives... over to God as we understood him.........)