Yuck

Yesterday was Nicholas and Zachary's due date. They would be two years old.

I wanted to write a long and moving post about them, about how sometimes in my heart I can see them, two shiny haired little boys picking up bugs and sticks out of the grass in our front yard. I miss them both so much, even with Tori here. Tori both warms my heart and highlights was we lost.

But the truth is I don't feel up to it. My jaw hurts like you wouldn't believe, and the painkillers they gave me caused some sort of toxic reaction that left me puking yesterday for the entire day (13 hours of puking. Fucking vicodin). I stopped in to work today but left as soon as I could. I feel like crap and want to go home (and Tanya, thank you so much for the flowers. Very sweet!).

So instead I'll just post this poem I stole from Toni. It seems moderately fitting in honor of the boys.

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent beyond your recall,
Go to the limits of your longing,
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.

--Rainer Marie Rilke

Comments

[Kelly O]

I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss.

[Annika]

My heart aches for you.

[Journeywoman]

I'm so so sorry. I remember reading about your loss as if it were yesterday. It's amazing that two years have passed.

I admire your strength more than anything.

Comforting thoughts.

Journeywoman.

PS: Sympathy on the tooth pain too!

[cursingmama]

Blessings to you, Tori, & Charlie.

[revdrmom]

((((((((((Cecily))))))))))

What a beautiful poem.

I am so sorry for the pain you've experienced. And I so admire you for the grace and strength with which you've faced it all.

Hope you jaw is better soon, too. Been there and done that and it's no fun!

Take care.

[Amy D.]

You've got my hand. I can't imagine how you must feel today. Know that you and your family are a beautiful example of hope. I'm often grateful that I never got as far as a due date, but I know that June will still be hard. Big hugs!

[bluepaintred]

all four out? thats about a week of pain. you have already gotten thru some of that, rest and hydrate.

hugs

[Leggy]

I'm sorry about the anniversary. Glad its over. (I find anniversary days for me are an exercise in just getting through it, and then I seem to breathe a sigh of relief once its the next day.)
Sucks about the teeth & the check card. Surely next week's got to be better than this one?

[Donnie]

Cecily...

I found your blog around this time two years ago. The journey you've taken since then has been amazing.

I am, and always will be, so sorry for the loss of your sons. I'm also overjoyed (and always will be) for the light and happiness their sister has brought to your life.

Thank you for continuing to share all of it with us.
-D.

[CharmingDriver]

Thinking of you and your family - I don't know what can ever ease the loss of children. I could be crowned Queen of the World, win the lottery and fit into size double zero jeans tomorrow and...there would still always be a Jackson size hole in my heart.

Hugs to you, Charlie and Tori and the boys.

[kathleen999]

I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you have Tori. I always miss the girl I lost even though it was so early. Being the first pregnancy, all my hopes and dreams were bound up with her. But our boys fill up those empty places.

I still dream about having a little girl though, even though I'm pretty sure I never will.

[Julie]

I'm so sorry Cecily. My heart breaks for you and Charlie.

[Whitney]

So sorry about the anniversary. Hug Tori extra tight tonight, as I'm sure you will. I know we'll all be thinking of you!

[Arwen]

Vicodin makes me puke too. I hate that stuff.

I'm so, so sorry about Nicholas and Zachary. I can't imagine...

Love to you.

[Abigail]

Sorry you had such a hard week. Thanks for the lovely poem(I love Rilke) and this blog. You're an amazing woman. I send love and support to you and Charlie and Tori.

PS - gotta disagree on the Vicodin. mmm, Vicodin.

[Toni]

{{{Cecily & Charlie}}} Thinking of you today, and of course, of Nicholas & Zachary, too. Much love to you all.

[Sophia]

Thinking of all of you today.

[Elena]

I don't know why I never made this connection before Cecily, but my little one would have been 4 in late February, early March too. I don't have an exact date because I never delivered on time so I think I just blocked the due date.

Just a tidbit. I only mention it because it's just another little connection I feel with you. Do something nice for yourself this weekend!

[Sarah]

Oh God, I am such an idiot and an asshole...I can't believe it didn't occur to me!
What a fucking shit week you have had...I'm so sorry. I love you and hope your mouth feels better soon, and hope next week is wonderful in some way!
Give me a call tomorrow if you guys want to do anything...S. is going to her dad's tonight.
xo

[ruth]

de-lurking to say i'm so sorry for your loss. i HATE the way loss never seems to improve with age.

and i *love* that rilke poem...i think it may be my favorite of his (that i know). there's an extremely beautiful choral setting of it...maybe you could ask your choir director at church to program it sometime.

hugs,

ruth in LA
(i've e-mailed you before, but i can't remember if i've ever posted a comment...)

[Donna]

Hugs to you on your day of remembering your lovely sons :(

[Hoping]

Thinking of you while you constantly remember.....

[Tanya]

I don't have anything briliant or wise to say. Just wish that you weren't feeling this pain. My baby would have been one on March 9th. It didn't work out. Now I have a wonderful little girl that just turned 5 months old. Still, I can't help but wonder what would have been.

[Shawnee]

Well I have just got done reading your entire blog you are a very creative and fascinating person to read about! I love your writing style and I am pretty sure I broke a few ribs laughing at some of your posts. So now here goes my really long comment because I didn't feel like posting on all your older posts so here are some comments from the posts that I felt that I just had to comment on. Hope your in for some reading or some eye rolling one of the two!
Cecily,

August 28, 2006 Why I Love Comments
That lady "Restie" obviously wasn't too concerned with the "foul" content or she wouldn't have viewed it 54 times! How I hate mommy drive-bys but hey you had a great comeback! Wish I was that witty!

September 17, 2006 Three Things I Learned This Week
Driving around in circles in the garage over and over I can honestly say I have done that... Glad to know I am not the only one haha!

November 3, 2006 It's Only the Third Day & I'm Already Being Lame
Your hair cut looks fanastic. It really frames your face and makes you look happier!

November 11, 2006 Hikin'
Does that carrier hurt your shoulders/back to carry Tori in? I thought about buying one but want a moms opinion about this.

November 25, 2006 Good Things
you wrote: "what kind of stupid fucking Chinese restaurant doesn't allow you to sit at the one table they have when the place is COMPLETELY FUCKING EMPTY because someone might need that table to make a booth fit six people?" are you freaking kidding me? Don't they know the customer is ALWAYS right ALWAYS? I hope you didn't ever ever ever go back there and I would have thrown a much bigger fit just because I am into the whole social outbursts mwhahah
November 29, 2006 That Time of the Year
I think this is one of the first baby pictures I have seen with Santa where the baby isn't bawling! She is soooo adorable!
December 11, 2006 Oh this is a good one
I didn't realize a four year old would even have the mental capacity to sexually harrass their teacher. Thats good that it got knocked down to inappropriate touching but still come on people ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
January 5, 2007 Um, Ouch
You wrote: 14-year-old clerk at the register next to ours turned around to admire Tori. After she mentioned how cute she is, I said, "Thank you! We sure think so." To which she said, "And you're the grandmother?"
Wow, some people just don't know how to shut up do they? I would have told her you can insert your foot into your mouth now.
January 28, 2007 Ill
You wrote about the three people that started a babysitting service to take photos of him sexually abusing children. THIS IS SICK SICK SICK. People like this should be hung by there toes and chopped to pieces. It amazes me how some people just have no conscience and can actually do things like this, it makes me want to say I will never leave my child anywhere, they can't go to school, and they will be attached to my hip forever (even though I know that is impossible)
February 2, 2007 Unbearable Cuteness of Being
Tori is so adorable! Now you are going to make me break down and go out and buy a tutu when my daughter is born (due in April). I am so jealous right now, funny thing is I used to say I wouldn't know what to do with a girly girly since I was a tom boy and now you should see all the clothes I have bought, very frilly!
February 5, 2007 Ravaged
Sorry your skirt didn't make it through the two dogs, but I am glad you are okay!
Oh and one more thing if your not liking your weight watchers diet do you have a Curves close to you? My mom goes there and she has lost 80 lbs. in 6 months, she goes three times a week in the evening and its a 20 minute little workout and great food tips. No food to buy etc. She is now 5'2 and 200 lbs. and says she wishes she would have went sooner... I know I know just some assvice for ya :)

[Melissa @ Organized Chaos]

Thinking of you guys today. Big hugs!