Yuck
Yesterday was Nicholas and Zachary's due date. They would be two years old.
I wanted to write a long and moving post about them, about how sometimes in my heart I can see them, two shiny haired little boys picking up bugs and sticks out of the grass in our front yard. I miss them both so much, even with Tori here. Tori both warms my heart and highlights was we lost.
But the truth is I don't feel up to it. My jaw hurts like you wouldn't believe, and the painkillers they gave me caused some sort of toxic reaction that left me puking yesterday for the entire day (13 hours of puking. Fucking vicodin). I stopped in to work today but left as soon as I could. I feel like crap and want to go home (and Tanya, thank you so much for the flowers. Very sweet!).
So instead I'll just post this poem I stole from Toni. It seems moderately fitting in honor of the boys.
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent beyond your recall,
Go to the limits of your longing,
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
--Rainer Marie Rilke
Thinking of you Cecily. Take care.
Posted by: maricar | March 03, 2007 at 02:07 AM
Oh. Wisdom teeth. Oh man. You are having a rough week.
I had some wisdom teeth out last year when the upper one on the right side started bothering me. I'm missing a permanent molar on the bottom so those ones are okay, and the left side upper one is completely through.
I went in for surgery on Halloween.
They found three teeth in one socket. One was grafted onto the other.
They woke me up after removal to make sure the roots hadn't gone up into my sinus cavities. They didn't but if they had they would have knocked me out again to do some more work.
Darren picked me up and we went home where I ate Kraft Dinner and didn't feel guilty about it. Then I took some codeine and went to bed. Two days later I went and painted the bedroom in our new house (BAD idea. Very BAD idea)
A week later, it was still hurting. The stitches hadn't dissolved and were stuck between my teeth which was the cause of the pain. So I pulled them out.
All I can say is that the tooth pain will get better. I promise.
The other, I don't know about. But you are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Nicole | March 03, 2007 at 12:51 PM
Hugs Cec, I'm thinking about you. I wish they were here with Tori. Hugs.
Posted by: InDueTime | March 03, 2007 at 02:10 PM
Damn I have been reading you that long?? Wow. Anyway, so sorry you are reaching this milestone, I too wish they were with you all. You're in my prayers. Take care.
(vicodin ICK, how in the name do people get hooked on that anyway?)
Posted by: Dana | March 03, 2007 at 10:24 PM
I'm so sorry. Anniversaries of losses are the worst. I know for me I end up feeling all the same hurt all over again. Hope your teeth feel better soon. Maybe a cold pack on your cheeks will help. It made me feel better when I had my wisdom teeth out. Hope next week is a better week for you.
Posted by: Ann | March 04, 2007 at 08:57 AM
I am sorry for your pain and your loss of your sons.
I am so happy you have Tori, but you are right, she cannot replace the boys.
She is SO cute in the photos!
I hope sometime your pain will not be so difficult and your heart will be at peace.
Sending loving thought your way!
Posted by: Melissa | March 04, 2007 at 08:47 PM
Sending you lots of love, Cec!
Posted by: Ninotchka | March 04, 2007 at 10:40 PM
I started reading your blog when you lost the boys, reading regularly anyway. I don't remember which other blogger posted about what had happened. Your grace and strength are amazing; grace to share your rage, pain and sorrow with us and strength to get through. I'm so glad Tori is here and full of wonderful deliciousness, but so sorry she doesn't have two older brothers.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | March 05, 2007 at 10:11 AM
Hard times :( I can't believe it has been that long. I hope your teeth are feeling better.
Posted by: Elizabeth | March 05, 2007 at 12:12 PM
Cecily, there is choral music for that poem -- my church has performed it. It's a very pretty piece of music, and I think it is totally about God speaking to the unborn.
If you'd like details, I can probably find them out.
Hugs to you on what has to be hard anniversary. I totally agree about the live living children making the loss harder to bear. Before I had children I couldn't really fathom what I was losing when I miscarried. Now I know.
Posted by: Jan | March 05, 2007 at 02:29 PM
Much love and sympathy.
Posted by: FHT | March 05, 2007 at 03:20 PM
It's, of course, a beautiful poem. But beauty usually walks uncomfortably with truth.
"No feeling is final?" Is it fair to say that that the poet has absolutely no idea what he's talking about?
About three months ago, I too lost twins to preeclampsia -- one was stillborn, the other died shortly after birth.
I'm neither stong nor graceful and I know my feelings about my twins are final. A pointless, senseless loss of a little boy and a little girl who I would have loved with all my heart.
Now, I'm left alone and with nothing. Not even their memory.
"Life goes on," my "friends" say
"And on and on and on" I answer
niobe
www.deadbabyjokes.blogspot.com
Posted by: niobe | March 06, 2007 at 01:50 AM
Cecily, I am so sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you and Charlie and Tori.
Posted by: Susie | March 06, 2007 at 09:48 AM
March 2, was 7 years for us since the loss of Amanda Joy.
HUGS to you at 2 years.....
I blogged about my daughter too....a couple days later, as I've been very very sick with Influenza, what a nice touch on top of grieving, huh!?!?
Posted by: Stephanie | March 06, 2007 at 01:32 PM
Rilke has always spoken to my heart. I am incredibly sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Anne | March 09, 2007 at 09:39 AM