Just A Little More

I thought I was done. After writing that last post, reading and responding to all of the comments (well, the ones without fake email addresses anyway), I thought I had nothing more to say on the issue. But apparently, I was wrong.

At church yesterday (yes, I go to church), the pastor asked if anyone had joys or concerns, as he does every week. My hand went up in the air, almost without me meaning it to, and I spoke about the news of the week and how difficult it had been.

I spoke about my anger. Not anger, actually--more like intense rage about this issue. I asked for the ability to find forgiveness for the five men that made a decision about my life and my body, even though they gave no thought to me or my life or my worth as a human being. I said that I wanted to be an activist and an advocate, but I knew that real change comes only from being in a place of quiet hope and having an open heart, and I don't yet have that. I found myself shaking and crying as I asked for the ability to forgive.

I was more upset than I realized.

I'm willing to talk about this until I'm blue in the face, because every time I do, someone else tells me that they didn't realize the implications of this issue, and they've found that they've changed their minds. Truth is, those of us who have had a late term abortion often don't want to talk about how that pregnancy ended. We say, euphemistically, that we've "lost" the baby or babies. Only women who have gone something similar know what that might mean. That's why I talk about it.

But sometimes it's hard. Each time I post about this some new person says that I killed my baby (or babies, because they didn't actually READ what I wrote, and don't know that one twin had already died), or says they just don't understand why I didn't deliver the surviving baby and give him "a chance," or even graciously acknowledge that it's just so sad that I was pressured into making this decision by my doctors.

Over the two years I've been speaking openly about this, I've developed a bit of a shell to protect myself. But sometimes, when I'm not being careful, something in me slips and I realize that I'm absolutely fucking furious. I just cannot believe that people don't get it. I cannot accept that FIVE MEN made a decision for everyone with a uterus in this country. I find myself looking at my daughter, knowing that my mother had preeclampsia, I had preeclampsia, and it's highly likely that she, too, will have to battle that disease. I want to run to Washington and stand in front of the court and shriek my rage at the building. I want to curse those men, wish terrible things on the women in their lives, just so they fucking GET IT.

But I won't.

Instead, I will pray, and pray furiously, that I can continue to keep my heart open to those that disagree with me. I will continue to explain what happened to me, over and over and over. I would do it on Good Morning America if they'd let me. I want people to hear my story, and to rethink what they believe. I want to fight to keep choice open to all women, everywhere.

One anonymous commenter accused those of us that are Pro-Choice of "hiding" behind our tragedies, of using our tragedies to keep abortion legal. Of course we are! No one--NO ONE--thinks using abortion as birth control is a good idea. But when you start placing limits, when you start CRIMINALIZING A MEDICAL PROCEDURE, suddenly there are no doctors willing to perform that procedure, and then there is no fucking choice, and women start dying. You cannot claim to be Pro-Life and then devalue the lives of women so much! You just can't.

The scripture lesson at church this week was John 21:1-19. Basically (and forgive my paraphrasing) it discusses Jesus' third post-crucifixion appearance, in which he asks Peter to tend his sheep three times. According to my pastor, in the original Greek Jesus first asks him to attend the lambs, then the older sheep, and then, as my pastor put it "the big old sheep."

If you ask me, that makes it clear that Jesus wanted all of us protected. It's doesn't say just the lambs, or the lambs above everyone else. It says, right there in the bible, that Jesus wanted "a big old sheep" like me protected too. And this law does just the opposite.

Comments

[Heather AKA Epiphany Alone]

1.

I admire you, Cecily. That you keep speaking about it despite your anger (and sadness at times, I can only imagine).

[justdawn]

2.

I admire your courage in being able to discuss your experiences and your loss so openly.

It infuriates me when people who claim to be such devout Christians are so closed minded to people's feelings.

Jesus wasn't closed minded...

[Emily]

3.

"I would do it on Good Morning America if they'd let me."

Figure out how. Get yourself a publicist, maybe? Talk to your local Planned Parenthood people? What other giant organizations are there out there who are up in arms about this?

Go, get on the news. Tell them all, because your story is the one that nobody with a heart, nobody with compassion, can look in the eye and condemn.

[Lisa]

4.

With all due respect, five men didn't DECIDE anything. They just upheld a law passed by Congress.

Maybe your wrath should be better directed towards the people who voted FOR the ban, including 18 women in the House, and four women in the Senate, including Democrats Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas and Mary Landrieu of Louisiana.

[Amy]

5.

In response to your stated desire to do something, I simply say: keep talking. Your words, and your story, are beyond powerful. Thank you for sharing them.

[christa]

6.

Being rabidly pro-choice I often have difficulty understanding the rabidly pro-life side of things. I have been trying, more and more to see things from other people's perspectives on this issue. If I have a better understanding of where people with different views are coming from, maybe I'll do a better job having a civil discussion and exchange of ideas instead of writing people off as crazy conservatives.
I can only hope that these sorts of discussions help bring people to a better, more tolerant place.
I think that a lot of the time, people just aren't very informed. On a somewhat related topic, after I got a job working for a biotech company, my sister says to my mom, "It's great that she has a new job, but doesn't she feel bad about killing all of those babies?" If my sister doesn't know what I do as a scientist in the biotech industry, it's no surprise that so many people lack understanding of the issues related to these topics. Thank you, Cecily, for continuing to share your story.

[Myra]

7.

Okay...I know you hate mushy stuff like this, but {{{Cecily}}}. If I were there, I'd give you a real one. Please, above anything else, don't lose you faith in God. Like I told one of your commentors, we are followers of God, not people. People are imperfect, God is perfection and love. Let your faith be the beacon that keeps you grounded in these very trouble times. Pray because that is all us "liberal" christians can do. Please, don't lose that lovely faith in God, because I'm gonna need some company in Paradise the way things are going w/ the "christian right" LOL. :) love ya!!

[JuliaKB]

8.

You know I love you, right?
I am glad you had the outlet of your church to get these feelings out. I hope you do get to tell your story on TV-- everyone should get to hear your story. There is just too much misinformation out there, and people are just too willing to buy it.

[Jeff Culbreath]

9.

Just for the sake of clarity, Cecily, I would like to know what your position on abortion actually is.

Do you believe abortion should be legal only when the child is certain to die anyway?

Do you believe abortion should be legal for any reason up to the point of viability?

Do you believe abortion should be legal only when the life or the health of the mother is in danger?

Do you believe abortion should be legal at any time, under any circumstances, for any reason whatsoever?

[Cyl]

10.

I applaud you for seeking to forgive while continuing to fight. It shows that you are not just riding a crest of emotion in your argument--and for your argument to be effective, which I wish it to be, you are going to need that perfect blend of anecdote, verifiable fact, emotion, logic, and persuasiveness.

I'm on your side in this one, Cecily. Every woman's *health* and *life* is worth it.

Have the decision/concurrence/dissent been published yet? I can find briefs and oral arguments, but nothing else. I want to fully understand what was upheld.

[Shelley]

11.

Jeff, wait, didn't you say you were exiting the discussion? Because right now what's being discussed is the recent Supreme Court decision. Having been shouted down, with good reason, about the issue at hand, you're now trying to broaden the discussion to include abortion rights in general... which is a pretty crappy debating technique, and quite transparent. You're not seeking "clarity," you're trying to step back up onto your soapbox.

I'm sure Cecily wouldn't mind "clarifying" her position on all abortion rights at some point, in a different post. But here, now? That's really not the point of this discussion, and I really can't see how it'd be productive.

[Jeff Culbreath]

12.

Shelley,

Have you not been reading? Lots of commenters are talking about abortion rights in general.

And Cecily wrote:

"But when you start placing limits, when you start CRIMINALIZING A MEDICAL PROCEDURE, suddenly there are no doctors willing to perform that procedure, and then there is no ... choice, and women start dying."

That sounds like a statement about abortion in general with application far beyond the PBA decision.

[Elena]

13.

"Instead, I will pray, and pray furiously, that I can continue to keep my heart open to those that disagree with me. "

I actually think you have done this quite well and have been very gracious about it. Many of your readers could learn much from your example.

[Mary]

14.

Pro life is pro life for all involved. Not just the mother who is having the difficult birth. No one is forcing you to die, although in order to give my child a chance to live, I would...but we are not talking about me, because I am not a proponent for abortion. If you have to induce, that keeps you alive, and the baby could possibly live...thus making it a win win situation.

I don't believe praying to a God who creates babies to keep abortion legal makes any sense whatsoever, do you? God isn't giving you children to turn around and be happy with your decision to terminate because you deem yourself more worthy.

[Drowned Girl]

15.

Cecily, my heart is with you.

Here in the UK, we find it hard to believe some views in the US can be so backward.

xx

[Mary]

16.

Oh, and I did acknowledge that it was sad that you were pressured into this by your doctors, so you can't say that no prolifer did that.

My quote "I honestly do not think Cecily had the time or the mindframe to have made a decision, but my view or the discussion thereof could help someone else in the future. We all have to learn from each other."

[Shelley]

17.

Jeff, yes, I've been reading your comments, both under your name and as "A Visitor," and others that were about abortion rights in general. It's clear that a lot of people talking about this Supreme Court decision are pretty uneducated about what it actually entails, and what PBA actually is. I wouldn't necessarily include you in that group, but that's why I don't think broadening the discussion to all abortion rights would be useful right now.

And, I still think you're being disingenuous when you say you're exiting the discussion, and then come back asking for "clarity" on Cecily's position on abortion rights in order to get back on your soapbox. I think you know what her position is on all abortion rights, but that's not what this post is about. That's a separate discussion altogether, which Cecily may or may not be interested in having on her blog. But right here, right now? Seems like it'd muddy the waters, rather a lot. Or just maybe that's what you're trying to do.

[Yatima]

18.

Dear Cecily,

When I was a Christian I used to think a lot about the imitation of Christ, and what it meant to be Christlike. It's been years since I left the church, but your love for your children and your patience with your persecutors inspire me to be a better person. You make me want to try to forgive Jeff and Mary.

I will try.

Thank you for everything. I've been thinking about you all week. I miss Nicholas and Zachary.

Rachel

[Jeff Culbreath]

19.

Shelley, it doesn't take much back-reading to prove that this discussion "broadened" to include abortion rights in general long before I started commenting.

Are you demanding that Cecily and everyone else cease commenting on abortion rights in general, or does that just apply to me?

I am not really clear on Cecily's position and I think it is important for everyone to understand where she's coming from.

[Amy]

20.

Love you Cec! My son, for a project at school had to interview anti abortionists at a rally. He is young, and basically agrees with me, abortion is morally repulsive but the government has no right to decide what goes on in a womans uterus. He also made a not so startling discovery. Every single one of the protesters at this particular rally was a middle aged male. As far removed from the uterus of a woman of child bearing age as a person can get.
My own personal experience is that those with the loudest voices are older men, and older women.
How is it that people who have no idea what it is like to be a woman of child bearing age, have the right to make decisions like this?

[Jeff Culbreath]

21.

"He is young, and basically agrees with me, abortion is morally repulsive but the government has no right to decide what goes on in a womans uterus."

Uh, Shelley? Did you catch this? That's a statement about abortion in general. Please inform Amy of the rules.

[mary]

22.

LOL, Jeff!

[Tracy]

23.

Yes, us "big old sheep" do deserve protection, too. (That's the greatest thing I've read all week!) Keep on bleating, sister...keep on bleating.

[jlp]

24.

Thank you for continuing to talk about this. I am incensed by the recent Supreme Court decision, and I greatly value your comments and willingness to share your story.

[Layne]

25.

What you did at church is truly heroic, Cecily. I can't tell you how awed I am by your willingness to acknowledge the rage and still work toward the possibility of peace and forgiveness. I hope that you and those who are inspired by you (including me) can accomplish some of that "real change" in this country's direction on women's issues before it's too late. Many, many blessings on your and your family.

[Jennifer Willis]

26.

It wasn't just 5 men, it was 5 Catholic men. One of them has 9 children, with one of his sons being a priest (Scalia). Another one nearly became a priest himself (Thomas). How much of their decision was because of their religious ideals and not because of legal analysis or following precedent in an intellectually honest way? If they had followed the Court's previous rulings on this issue, the statute should have been struck down.

[Jen]

27.

Thanks for speaking about this so eloquently and with such passion--and yes, anger. Infertility threw me a curveball in terms of my long-held pro-choice views, and I have struggled mightily to stay pro-choice after trying for so long to have a child of my own. It is largely because of stories like yours that I remain pro-choice, and I thank you for your reminders of why it is so important to allow a woman and her faith, family, and medical professionals to make the best individualized decisions.

Also, Lisa, I must disagree with your assessment that the Court didn't DECIDE anything--they decided to uphold the law, just as they could have decided (based upon years of precedent) to overturn the law. While Congress certainly deserves our wrath, the Court is equally, if not more, responsible for the Act now being the law of the land.

[liz]

28.

Cec, get thyself on GMA and the Sunday Roundups, 'cause you need to be heard far and wide.

[Meira]

29.

You tell'em, Cec!

[rachel]

30.

dear cec:

you are a better human than i.

i hope the best for you and yours, and i thank that greater being for putting you on this earth.

now, jeff:

go away. you have the answers you want to hear, at least in your head that, sadly, will never be penetrated with the truth.

i want to hear about you on the news, taking every baby that was not aborted and adopting them. because if you don't, WHY ARE YOU OPENING YOUR HYPOCRITICAL MOUTH? if you have such a big friggin problem with abortion, convince women to have the babies. but YOU have to pay for the hospital visits, and all the care the mother needs while she's pregnant. and then you need to take the baby and adopt it: feed it, clothe it, give it education, although try not to stunt it too much with your lies and hatefulness.

when you do this for every baby you want to save, then you can talk all you want.

there might be two or three people to listen to you.

but until then, and most importantly, UNTIL YOU GROW A WOMB THAT IS CAPABLE OF GROWING LIFE, be quiet.

'cause the only thing your sorry pretending to be christian ass cares about is making people feel guilty about being human, and making human choices.

and your argument doesn't really even apply to cec, does it, you guilt-tripper?

so move on with your lies and heavy doses of righteousness, no one wants you or your heavy hand.

your loving heathen:
rachel

[Shelley]

31.

Jeff, it's incredibly obvious: the reason why you "think it's important for everyone to understand where she's coming from" is so that you and others will have another avenue of attack, having been effectively shut off in this one. And that's confusing to people like Mary who are operating with incomplete, inaccurate or just plain wrong info about PBA (Mary posted right before I did, who believes that Cecily was "pressured into this by her doctors," that there was some hope that the remaining fetus could survive). You're right that there's been some discussion of all abortion rights, but that's not the central part of this discussion as you very well know. If Cecily were to post answers to your questions asking for "clarification," then that would take over the entire conversation. She may choose to answer you, here or privately, but I don't think it's fair to goad her into it.

So to answer your question, yes, I wish you in particular had stuck to your word when you said you were "exiting the discussion."

[Melessa]

32.

When I was young and idealistic I thought it would be brave and noble dying to save my unborn child. There was even quite the melodramatic Sunday night movie about it.

Then, I got older and saw friends and family members go through hell over the loss of their mothers, not to mention the complete breakdown of my husband's family after his mother died. I don't think I could ever personally have an abortion, and yet if my life was threatened, if I had to imagine my four children growing up without a mother; I think I would do whatever it took to prevent that from happening. Maybe it's selfish on my part, but at the onset of each of my subsequent pregnancies, I always felt more of a bond with my existing children than with the baby-to-be until after it was born. I would rather lose an unborn child than risk my four living children growing up without me. I know, I could get into a fatal wreck tomorrow, there are no guarantees, etc...But my kids need me more than they need a younger sibling if his or her birth was almost certain to kill me. Even my fairly restrictive church allows for this.

Of course, all of this is easy for me to say from my armchair. But I would hate to have the choice taken from me and am frightened that we are headed in precisely that direction.

[Jeff Culbreath]

33.

What are you afraid of, Shelley? You sound worried. If the pro-choice position is so airtight you have nothing to fear from straight answers to straight questions.

It looks to me like the pro-choice argument shared by most commenters goes something like this:

1. Cecily's life was saved by abortion;
2. The baby would have died anyway;
3. Therefore, all abortions should be legal all the time for any reason.

Obviously that's not a coherent argument. And if you please, I'd like to see a coherent argument. I don't think that is too much to ask.

Cecily did answer me in e-mail, by the way, but I'm not going to post her answer without permission.

[Shelley]

34.

Jeff, I'm not worried at all. There's nothing "airtight" about the pro-choice position EXCEPT for the one issue we're talking about -- abortion should always be legal when the mother's life is in danger. Nor is there anything "airtight" about the anti-abortion argument, for that matter. I see the world in many shades of grey, you see in black and white, is all... and that's why you perceive the "pro-choice argument shared by most commenters" in the way that you do -- you can't conceive of something more complex than that. I think reasonable people on both sides of this issue are capable of acknowledging the other's point of view and trying to understand it. Cecily certainly is. You, clearly, are not.

But my original point was that I don't think this conversation is about *all* abortion rights. Which means that my continuing to post or responding to you further would be counterproductive, so I'm going to do what you said you would do and didn't -- exit the discussion.

[JK]

35.

Just stopping by to say that you are amazing.

There's more, but I don't have time to write it up and make it coherent. I say, keep talking. What you have to say is so important.

[Cecily]

36.

I am pro-choice, all the way. Under no circumstances do I feel that anyone other than a woman and her doctor should make decisions about her body. EVER.

Jeff, if you'd ever read more of my blog than just the last few weeks, you'd know that.

Mary, again, read more carefully. I DO NOT feel that the doctors pressured me into this decision. Again, also, Labor and delivery WAS NOT POSSIBLE. Lastly, my surviving son COULD NOT HAVE LIVED.

So stop it already.

[Ally]

37.

Cecily, you have my unwavering support.

[Sheeps Go Baaaa]

38.

First, I am a Christian. I follow Christ, desperately seeking after His glory and adoring Him.

Second, I was raped six months ago.

Third, I got pregnant.

Fourth, I had an abortion.

I find myself, as of late, wanting to ask pro-lifers how they feel about this: I would rather have killed myself than delivered into this world the child of the man who violated me so horrifically.

So, the "child" (still an embryo at the time) would have died, when I cut my wrists.

Does a pro-lifer value that? Is that an outcome made desirable by getting rid of abortion? That I would feel so trapped and so violated and so alone that I would never be able to go on?

Regardless of what one believes about abortion, accusing pro-choice supporters of hiding behind "personal tragedies" is idiotic. I'm not HIDING behind a tragedy. At this point in my fucking life, it defines me and is me and I can't HIDE behind it, because it's WHAT I am.

I hope one day, people like Mary and Jeff, can see that Christ is kneeling down in the dirt, writing something before them; convicting them of their sins as I have been convicted of mine. Conviction, judgement, and GRACE are His to give.

Mary and Jeff, on the other hand, have no right to judge me, or any other woman, for the decisions they've made, because until you've worn my shoes? Don't judge the way I walk.

I admire you, Cec, because you're strong and brave and beautiful. And everyone who condemns you for what you suffered can go suck on a lemon.

[Bethany]

39.

Cecily, you're strong and eloquent and admirable and you're RIGHT. I hope somebody in a position to put you on the morning shows reads your blog.

I'm not at all the religious sort -- but BLESS you. Bless you and all your babies.

[Miriam]

40.

You know, ever since I heard about this ruling, I've been thinking about myself and any pregnancies I or my partner might someday have and all the women I know, of course... But for some reason (maybe because my best friend is in med school), I also keep thinking over and over again about all the great and compassionate doctors out there, and how terrible they will feel if they cannot make the best decision for their patient's health, and how dangerous it might be for them if they decide to follow their consciences no matter what.

[Kate]

41.

Cecily, would you ever consider going on The View? I saw that they are soliciting "regular people" to talk about certain issues...
http://abc.go.com/daytime/theview/solicitations.html

[Genie]

42.

I'm struck reading this (through my tears) that your entire blog--every word from day one--stands as a constant, fervent prayer for an open, forgiving, loving heart. It matters very little if others see this or understand it...it's between you and God. I'm usually not one to quote the Bible in "mixed company" (meaning out of respect for those who don't find it helpful or supportive), but I am reminded of a verse from Matthew: "thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward you openly." God sees your open heart, your love, your pain...don't get lost in the "noise" from a lot of human opinion. Be well.

[Christine]

43.

Mary, that's a very nice thought, that God creates all babies. That's your belief. That's not mine. I believe that babies come from a sperm and an egg. While I believe in God, I refuse - REFUSE - to believe that God creates babies to be born into situations in which they then starve to death or die of some easily treatable disease because of no access to doctors or clean water. That reality does not mesh with my belief in a kind and loving God.

This topic has come up a lot at home recently. I'm pregnant now (with a much wanted baby, Mary and Jeff). We've decided under no circumstances would we ever try for another baby in this political climate. The risk to me and the baby, increasing with my age, is too great. We just keep thinking about a scenario where something bad happens and we can't find a doctor to help us. And my first responsibility is to the child/children already living.

Cecily, you're amazing. I've pulled out most of my hair reading some of the comments.

[Andrea S--R]

44.

Cecily, just wanted to tell you that admire your courage and hope you can keep finding the strength to continue telling your story for as long as it takes. You have my support.

[Sara]

45.

Cecily,
As much as I think the power of your story and your voice when you tell it needs to be out there, I have to disagree that either Today or GMA or The View is the place to tell it....

I don't know what an appropriate venue would be, but I've heard too many stories about how those shows take a persons story and twist it using 10-second sound bites, set them up against trained PR professionals, and make the message that winds up coming out of their mouths say the exact opposite of what they actually said when interviewed. If you read Suburban Bliss, check her archives for her Today Show story, for starters.

There has to be a better way to get your story out there than "And now hold on to your coffee cups, housewives, because this lady is going to try to justify her abortion while we make random cuts of her interview to make her look like a demoness..."

[luolin]

46.

Cecily,

Thank you for writing about this again. Obviously, there are some people you will never convince, and there are some people who either refuse to believe you or just lack reading comprehension skills, but like you said, others hear and understand. I was already pr-choice, but I am even more so since reading your story and those of other bloggers.

[Yatima]

47.

Genie wrote:

"I'm struck reading this (through my tears) that your entire blog--every word from day one--stands as a constant, fervent prayer for an open, forgiving, loving heart."

Yes. Cecily, this is why we keep coming back. This.

[shelli]

48.

It has been commented about time and time again, the folks who are ADAMANT that the "uterine decision" is not between a woman and her doctor.... where are they when it comes time to care for the babies that have a minute, an hour, a week, a month to live? You know, after the mother (G-d forbid), dies giving birth? The babies are in the nicu. Grasping at straws to survive. Where are the people who are so pro-life? Are they helping the grieveing family who has now not only lost a child, but a wife, mother, daughter, sister, best friend? Where are they?

Oh right, blowing up abortion clinics. because, you know, that's just so LIFE affirming.

This crap just gets under my skin. NO ONE is ever convinced about this stuff - ONE way or the other - How many of you have changed your minds based on Cecily's bravery? Please speak up, I'd love to have some affirmation in humanity again...

[danielle]

49.

Sorry about my "fake email" but honestly I didnt want the debate to possibly flow over into my email since I have a dissenting opinion from the majority.

However, I think (or at least I hope) that you see despite our differences that I do not judge you and that I knwo you did the only thing you could in a really horrible situation and that I continue to be sorry for your loss.

[Jac]

50.

Hey Cec,

I admire you for so many different reasons. This is one of them. I think that it is awesome that you have the strength and determination to speak up and give your circumstance and those of others a voice.
I am stubborn and obstinate in matters such as these, thinking to myself 'why justify my choices' so that these ignorant people can have a better understanding of what is really going on. So I applaude you - where I would close up like a clam - you open up like a rose...

[Danielle]

51.

Cecily, I adore you and your bravery. You really have touched my life, changed how I feel about some issues, and you continue to amaze me with your knowledge and heart. Please don't stop doing what you do and saying what you say. There are too many women (and men!) who need to hear your words and your heartbreaking story. I hope tonight while you're sitting with your husband and your daughter you will be able to find some peace from the anger and frustration that the recent court decision and the dissenting views and comments on your blog have brought. There are far too many of us who adore and support you for you to let the negative and ignorant few break you down. We're here for you and we love you.

[Meg]

52.

Just a note to be another person adding my voice to say you have all my respect.

[grumpygirl]

53.

you rock, cecily.

i think, however, it's really time to stop feeding the trolls. tell your story again and again, but getting into it with imbeciles really will get you nowhere..,. they're not the ones who will hear your story and see your view and understand the truth.

you're nicer than i am... i just delete the troll comments about dead fetuses and such. my blog, my rules, but i don't have a story to tell. and you do. and the story itself speaks volumes, no need to defend it any further. just to keep telling it, again and again.

[anam]

54.

its all about the choices. not matter what, everyone should have choices - we should have access to everything - the ability to make a choice is nessicary. as much as i dont agree with abortion 95% of the time, i agree that it should be available, in the same ways guns should be available, or meat or vegetarian food. when we start losing control of the basic choices to do with our own bodies and our own lives ie whether we live or die, how soon before we are ALL staring at an abyss of society? how can we deny anyone the choice - you dont have to like the choices but they have to be there.

Cecily, you have my respect and my support.

[Liza]

55.

Cecily, I hardly know what to say. Your grace, your conviction, your unwillingness to be diverted by fallacious heckling or just shutupalready...you are a shining example of most (if not all) of what I consider to be good in a human being. I am as horrified as the next person at this recent travesty--anyone who thinks it was any sort of victory should go and read "When Abortion Was a Crime." Whenever women are prevented to do what is in their best interests (and often the embryo/fetus's best interest as well, IN MY OPINION, for reasons that the rational will already know and the irrational will always argue against), women die. And I care more about women, living daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, than I do about the unviable and unborn. I carry a genetic syndrome that is not fatal, and does not prevent quality of life, but rather reduces it to an extent that is very depressing for me at times, especially as I see it affecting my children. While I am not "pro-life" (a lie in and of itself, unless the women who die of botched abortions and suicide are not alive in the first place), I don't feel that I myself could have an abortion unless the embryo/fetus would not survive birth/infancy. But I also don't think I could live with myself if I condemned another child to suffer as I and my three children have suffered, and the syndrome that we have is "autosomal dominant" (like brown eyes--almost no chance that it would not be passed on to any future biological offspring of miine). I had planned on taking every possible precaution to prevent pregnancy should I be lucky enough to need to do so again, and consider my childbearing to be over and done with. My health is bad enough that it would be a stupid idea anyway. But this most recent decision on the SC's part has me questioning whether that is enough. What if I were raped, and in addition to having any resultant progeny be a painful reminder of a horrific experience, had to watch them suffer terribly? What if every possible precaution wasn't enough to prevent pregnancy, and my health took a dramatic turn for the worse? The SCOTUS would apparently rather let me die and my three special-needs kids grow up without a mother who loves them and understands their complex medical needs than allow my doctor to do what might be necessary to save my life, for me and for them. I am now looking into surgical sterilization. Before, it seemed like overkill, given that I am celibate and highly unlikely to enter into any sexual relationship with anyone other than (possibly) someone who is surgically sterile themself. Now it just seems like the logical thing to do to protect my family.

If it makes you feel better at all, I spent this past weekend in D.C. with a Mormon midwife and a young, single, childless woman, and all three of us flipped Dubya's house the bird as we passed it by. Each of us had our own reasons for doing it, but I was thinking of you and all of the women who have been in similar circumstances, and of all of us (and I know that I am not the only one) who will undergo surgery as a precaution, and all of the girls and women who stand to lose so many rights under the current president and SCOTUS. It's all very sad. Keep talking. If they have half a heart they'll listen. And if they don't, keep talking anyway. I hope that I would never become pregnant again, through crime or method failure, even without the surgery, but you might be saving my life by telling your story. Keep talking.

[Julia]

56.

I'll hold hands with you and run out into the frey.

I feel so overwhelmed with anger over these decisions that I have to call in my closest friends and have them take turns listening to me vent. I cannot help but take this issue as deeply personal. And my biggest frustration is the absolute LACK of any stories like yours and mine and the mainstream media. Okay, maybe that's not my biggest frustration, but still.

You and I attend the same denomination of church, and I am so glad I have the congregation's support. But even still, I don't know for sure that I would have had the courage to stand up as you did (we weren't there because my daughter was sick this weekend). Still, the peace that comes with making upright declarations like that usually outweights the negatives, and I am so, so proud of you for all of this.

Thank you, once again.

[R]

57.

Thank you for continuing to tell your story despite everything, Cecily--it really is our only hope in these scary times. And people who believe that pro-choicers are nonchalant about abortions (at whatever stage) really chap my ass, to put it bluntly. My God, what?

I always think of what I read on a blog somewhere (I believe it was Bitch, PhD) about how if you crack the door even the tiniest bit, saying that abortions are legal in the case of, say, rape, you are acknowledging that there's a grey area somewhere. And immediately thereafter it's no longer a black and white issue, which also means that blanket rules no longer make sense. i.e., it simply has to be a personal decision--if there's any grey area at all, how can anyone presume to make that choice for someone else?

preaching to the choir, I know.

[Heather]

58.

I admire you. I know that when I lost my son, I just wanted to stay in bed, eat chocolate and cry. (And shop online, heh). It amazes me that you keep educating, even as you are healing.

[Gawdessness]

59.

Using our tragedies?
Hmmmm. That is a new and ugly one on me.

I don't want tragedies to happen to my or anyone's daughters.

I hate that people are hateful to you about this.

It is scary and wrong and mean.

You are helping me to be braver all the time.

[Lisa]

60.

Shelli at 9:08 asks "How many of you have changed your minds based on Cecily's bravery? Please speak up, I'd love to have some affirmation in humanity again..."

To which I respond, ME! ME! ME! Actually, I was already somewhat pro-choice (after having been anti-choice as an idealistic teen), but stories such as Cecily's and Julia (from Uncommon Misconception) have planted me firmly in pro-choice territory in ALL cases.

This decision by the SC scares me SO much. I don't care what any "pro-lifer" says about it not limiting our choices...just how many doctors will be afraid to perform second trimester abortions under ANY circumstance because of the implications of this law? That is not an unrealistic assumption by any stretch of the imagination. I shudder to think of the women (and their families) who will be affected.

I also feel the need to echo other commenters' fears of attempting pregnancy again myself. My husband and I are currently not preventing another pregnancy, as we are on the fence about having a third child. I would very much like a third child myself, but feel myself starting to waiver. After all, I will be 39 next month, and worry about the health issues of pregnancy. And like someone else said above, my two living children's right to grow up with an alive mom trumps any thoughts of another child.

Keep on talking, Cec. You are making a difference! Much love and respect to you.

[Kathleen]

61.

"What are you afraid of, Shelley?"

Only an anti-choice man would use this kind of language. It's sickening.

I don't feel safe discussing this with an anti-choice man policing the conversation.

[wavybrains]

62.

I'm pregnant right now. 19 weeks, inching towards twenty. The five more weeks towards possible viability seems like a lifetime and I can't help but think of your story again and again. Thinking of you and Julia, I pushed to get my ultrasound earlier than 20 weeks. This baby is more wanted than anything else in my life, ever, and yet, I also find myself more pro-choice than ever. Keep telling your story. (And ignore the trolls. Eventually they will starve.)

[Amy]

63.

At risk of bringing on the flaming trolls Shelley I would like to add my voice to your cause.

I strongly support the right of a woman to make the decision for herself without restriction. This includes the unsavioury (and frankly irresponsible) form of birth control.

There is always the danger that drawing a line at what is acceptable and what isn't means that real people are adversly affected.

The law should not be used to to make decisions for us. I am opposed to any law that categorically denies someone the right to make a decision and unfortunately there are many examples of this.

I strongly believe that people should be allowed to make their own decisions and then face the consequences. In some cases those consequences will be here, during their life and in others it will mean facing what comes in the after life.

Although my convictions are strong in this regard I accept that others have varying degrees of similar beliefs, which is their right after all :-)

A

[Merovin]

64.

I am delurking to thank you for your bravery and strength. By sharing your story, you are making a difference.

[Sheri]

65.

My daffodils that I planted in honor of Zachary and Nicholas are starting to bloom now for the 2nd year. Thinking of you and Charlie and always grateful that there are people like you, Cecily who can get their point across in words. I've read many comments from people thanking you for telling your story and sharing your soul with us. I applaud them and you. You are a very strong and kind woman. Even if everyone doesn't agree with one anothers point of view on a subject, the daffodils will still bloom.

[ccw]

66.

Thank you for continuing to talk about this. Your story should be heard and it should make a difference. How anybody could read your story and not understand why it is wrong to take this decision away from a woman and her doctor is beyond me.

It saddens and enrages me that people still don't get it - abortion is not used as an amusement by women.

[wookie]

67.

It's always baffled me. Doctors are forced to make ethical decisions all the time... why don't we trust them? I try to be as educated as I can be about my own condition(s) and prognosis etc because when it comes down to it, I am part of a team when it comes to medical treatment. I have a voice, but I respect that my doctor has a great deal more training and experience than I do, so their opinion of how to proceed is very valuable.

Why does the uneducated public or the supreme court feel that they know better than a doctor (who, by the way, went to school for a dozen years and deals with the reality every day)? Why does the uneducated public or the supreme court feel that they have a right to restrict my medical choices?

Why would any person in the world who is not immediately involved in my medical decisions (ie: me, my doctor, nurse, spouse) presume to have an opinion, much less force legislation over their (uneducated) opinion?

It's a medical procedure. One that is used because it has positive outcomes for the mother (less damage, less invasive, etc) when there *is* practically no hope for the baby. It is ethically pretty clear-cut. There is zero actual benefit to this ban, medically speaking, and a whole lot to loose.

Congratulations to the Right, you've won a morally black and medically useless victory. Wave that banner proudly!

[Phantom Scribbler]

68.

Cecily, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being willing to stand up and speak up. You are making a difference every time you tell your story.

Have you considered trying to get an op-ed placed in the New York Times or the Washington Post? God knows you have the writing skills. I think you could do it.

[Peach]

69.

The slope seems to be getting even more slippery.

We aren't allowed to decide for ourselves on whom we want to marry.

We aren't allowed to decide for ourselves on how we deal with our own bodies.

What's next?

[Mary]

70.

Christine--It's a little messed up to believe in God and not believe He is the author of all life. It's his decision to allow life...it's ours to decide how well we will take care of that life. Humans are the ones who force children to live in horrible situations, not God.

[becky]

71.

Hi Cecily.
Delurking as a UK reader and like drowned girl we watch in horror as women rights are slowly eroded in the US. To us, where women rights over their own bodies are not in question at all (or even really a huge talking point save to a few zealots), it seems terrifying the direction that the US government are going. Women like you, who have been through such an utterly sad and distressing experience and are still willing to put their head above the parapet and speak up are cheered and commended by women all over the world. To me, so far away, your contribution seems so so important. i'm only sorry that you have to come to the debate with such personal experience rather than just deeply held beliefs like many of us.

[marlaroo]

72.

ALL the sheep. I like that.

Bless you, Cecily. Keep that heart open.

[Lawmommy]

73.

Keep talking, Cecily. Keep telling your story. Over and over and over. DO NOT LET THE BASTARDS SHUT YOU UP. Keep fighting the good fight.

Gretchen aka Lawmommy

[Catherine]

74.

I hugged you two days ago and cuddled your beautiful baby girl. I laughed with Charlie. You are all three here, all three alive and healthy and happy. Thank god for that medical procedure that is now illegal. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten that hug and those giggled from Tori.

I hate your trolls. But I love you!

[Elaine]

75.

I found your blog through Uncommon Misconception, which was linked through a friend's blog. I can only echo what has already been said. Your story is one of bravery and conviction. Bravery to tell your story out loud in a political climate that breads fear and retribution. Conviction to stand up for your family. It is beyond obvious how important they are to you. Peace to you.

[Shelley]

76.

(Amy -- my comments, which were aimed pretty much exclusively at Jeff, would have been clearer and more accurate if I'd said "But my original point was that I don't think this conversation is about all abortion rights -- *at least not in the hateful, judging, simplistic way you want to frame the conversation."* As I stated, I believe it's possible for reasonable people on both sides of the issue to discuss abortion, learn from each other's points of view, and disagree respectfully. Finally, for the record, I'm as pro-choice as you for many of the same reasons you list. Re-lurking now, and I mean it!)

Shelley

[Cheryl]

77.

You know, I just want to say something to all of the pro life people who are coming to this blog to bash Cecily and try and make their tiresome points. And that is this: give it a rest.

Please. Give it a rest.

It seems to me that Cecily is telling her story because it happened. Because it was real. Not to argue theoretical points, not to score one for (insert political party), not to bolster her own ideological leanings, not to bully other people into agreeing with her, but because it happened in her life. The abortion debate needs more stories like hers. Stories that are real. I am tired of polarizing arguments and sniping and anonymous postings that convince no one of anything. Can't you do something more useful with your energy? If you are against abortion, can't you help women access birth control? Can't you help educate people about sexuality? Can't you donate money to women or children or families who need financial help? Unicef, anyone? Can't you work to help organizations that deal with women's health issues so fewer women will have to face terrible decisions like Cecily did? There are SO many things you could do to achieve your ostensible goal of helping children and valuing life. Why are you choosing to spend your energy shouting at a good person who is doing the best she can and telling a true story, while meanwhile across town, there are women and children who need your help? Is it because your pro-life views are really about being a bully and judging others and trying to assert power and get attention and feel morally righteous?

Look deep into your heart and ask yourself this question.

[Missy]

78.

Was that you on NPR this morning?

I live in Austin, TX but listen to the Philly NPR every morning because I originally am from DE.

I heard a woman talking, and then heard the moderator say "Thanks, Cecily" and I RAN across the room screaming at my husband "DID THEY JUST SAY CECILY?!?! - THAT IS MY BLOG TWIN (that is what I call you to him because we share almost identical values, issues, sense of humor, etc, lol).

Anyway, I did not get to hear everything you said (will download the podcast later), but what I heard was great. It is awesome for you to be telling your story to everyone who can hear it.

[Aurelia]

79.

Cecily, I think the op-ed pieces are a great idea. Since you are the author, you can control the content. Even the Editor has to clear the edits with you reasonably. Alternatively, find a good print journalist, and work on a story together.

And Cecily, I know you feel a lot of anger about this issue. Please take care of yourself. Productive anger, that channels and focuses on a solution is helpful, but unproductive anger helps no-one. Least of all you.

I know this next part isn't precisely about your situation Cecily, but if you don't mind...

I saw some mention of adoption as an alternative in some of these and previous comments btw, and as an adoptee, I'd just like to say that the automatic expectation that I am required to be "grateful" I'm not dead or pro-life or something is rather condescending.

When abortion is legal, safe and free then my life is a gift from my first mother to me, freely given out of love. When abortion is illegal or difficult to obtain, it means that I was an obligation, a source of resentment, something she was forced to endure, something that ruined her life.

It's a guilt trip I don't need or want, so I'm tossing it off my back. As an adoptee I am sick of being the "pro-lifer's solution" to the abortion issue.

Cecily, pro-lifers use adoptees like me and our first mothers and potential adoptive parents as cannon fodder in their campaign, keeping us pitted against each other, so when they accuse you of "hiding behind your tragedy" in the pro-choice arena, feel free to tell them to fuck off for me.

[Abigail]

80.

No matter how wealthy we are this country will amount to little if we continue to apportion and deny basic human rights to women. It simultaneously depresses and amazes me that we are still even discussing this. Scary stuff. Thank you, Cecily, for your willingness to fight and share your pain. Take care of yourself.

[Cat, Galloping]

81.

I am curious to know the reaction/response of the minister and other churchgoers... I know it's a pretty liberal church, but did you make anyone there re-think?

[Kristin]

82.

Cheryl (on productive ways in which we all - no matter what "side" we're on - could be helping instead of arguing): well said. Thank you.

Cecily: you have my profound admiration for your clarity, compassion and courage. You, Tori, Charlie, Nicholas and Zachary have been much on my mind this week. As always, I wish you peace.

[Carole W]

83.

Cecily,

Your story and the stories like it need to be told. Some people will always prefer to remain stupid (coughjeffcough), but they shouldn't be able to hide behind true ignorance.

I got pre-eclampsia at 20 weeks and full blown HELLP at 27 and a bit. But luckily for me I live in the Netherlands, so there was no question about who was going to be saved, if only one of us could be. Even more luckily in my case, my son was old enough to have a good chance when things really came down to the line. But that could so easily have been otherwise, and it will be otherwise for a lot of american women in the future. My heart goes out to them and their families.

[auntie sunshine]

84.

As always, I'm amazed by your strength and compassion.

I've all but left the church because of the hatred and intolerance of those who claim to be Christian and yet have no compassion or understanding. You make me want to go back. If only I knew you'd be sitting in the pew next to me.

Thank you for sharing your honesty and grace. You rock!

[WordNerd]

85.

I just wanted to say thanks--for your courage and your voice and for sharing your story with all of us. The decision by SCOTUS made me think of you almost immediately, and I wished that the justices could see how your story is real, not a hypothetical they refused to consider. Again, thank you so much for continuing to be a strong and wise voice of intelligent dissent in the face of such hurtful and misinformed rhetoric.

86.

Cecily - keep talking! And then talk some more! I am curious, how did your opening up in church go over? Were people supportive of the issue? I wish I knew how to get you a public soapbox...we need for you to have one.

[wwbd]

87.

Wonderful post! So well said, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for continuing to educate with your story and your passion.

[Kris]

88.

Cecily, I agree with you completely. I too have been following this with fervent interest. I don't know what else to say really, I am dumbfounded by this decision.

K.

[Jenni]

89.

It is hard to forgive knowing some people are just so horrible. Having said that the thing that keeps me going in life is how most people really are decent.

Those people who think you should have died rather than abort your baby are a tiny minority. And they really should just piss off and leave you alone.

It's amazing how they call themselves pro-life when in reality they don't give a damn what happens to children once they're born. They're the same politicians who cut welfare benefits & drop bombs on Iraqi children.

[Nancy]

90.

i am just reading and agreeing with MOST of you all.

i am an american living in a country where abortion is illegal(ireland).

when i had my baby here, getting any kind of a amnio was frowned upon. because, why find out anything when you can't do anything about it anyway?

there was a case here of a girl who was 13 or 14 years old, raped by a neighbor, became pregnant--the parents wanted to take her to england for an abortion and they were served with an injunction preventing them. eventually i think they won and she was allowed to leave to obtain an abortion.

but i am just reminded of my freedom in america. and really truly hope that this freedom is not removed by those awful people who make the decisions on behalf of women.

something has to be done

thanks cec for your blog, your insightful readers/posters

xoxo

[melissa Gaul]

91.

I admire that you already can talk about this coherently... I can't. I start thinking about raising my daughters in a world like this and my brain just stops.

[Amy]

92.

Shelley -- I am so very sorry I really didn't mean to direct that at you - I misread the name (looking above instead of below.

Apologies all round it wasn't directed at you. Please don't lurk too much :-)

Amy

[wealhtheow]

93.

Cecily, I'm in awe of you. We need more people around like you--people who listen to waht others have to say and try their damndest to keep an open and loving heart, even when they are receiving the worst kind of nasty small-minded vitriol. You are an inspiration.

[Lola]

94.

Cecily, I became a regular reader of your blog because your voice is always so brave and so honest. I really admire your determination to stand up for your convictions in the fact of others who want to shout you down. Thank you for continuing to tell your story, you really are an inspiration to so many of us.

[Hoping]

95.

all the support to you Cecily, I hope someday you can tell your story to the whole world.

[Mandy]

96.

It makes me really angry that I'm not hearing stories like yours and Julia's. I've watched as people have cheered the decision - most of them assuming that there is a provision for the health of the mother.

Don't let this go quietly, and if you're willing to tell your story nationally as you've said - then tell them we'll be watching! Most people don't even realize what is dangerous about this decision. :(

Let me know if there's anything I can do.

[jenny]

97.

Ah Cec. I can't keep myself from chiming in to express my gratitude that you continue to tell your story. It both elevates the discussion and educates.

And as for whether hearts and minds are changed by this type of (mostly civil) discourse, yes! As a strong pro-choicer, I've heard from educated and well-meaning folk on the other side of the debate through your blog. I may not agree with them, but I am much more willing to listen now that I know not everyone in the so-called "pro-life" camp sees things in black and white.

Please keep speaking up, about this and anything else close to your heart. Compassion and forgiveness are lifelong work, and your determination to keep doing that work is inspiring.

It breaks my heart that anyone sees this ruling as a victory. I'm all for reducing abortions, and preferably making them unnecessary except in cases where the mother's life is threatened. But the ethical means to that end involves better health care, medical care, education and support of women and children in the face of widespread ills like poverty, domestic abuse and child abuse.

Becoming a parent has made me feel this even more strongly. I fear for my daughter's safety and life should decisions like this continue to define our country.

[Amber]

98.

Funny how those who bleat the loudest - the fundamental Christian Right who believe they know what is best for everybody - are the ones who speak for the minority of the group. A poll I read not too long ago said that most of America is Pro-Choice politically, despite their personal convictions.

What I found most disturbing as well about the passing of the "Partial Birth Abortion Ban" is that they called the medical operation inhumane. As if forcing a woman to undergo an unwanted pregnancy that could potentially kill her (this is a risk in ALL pregnancies, ladies), weren't inhumane.

[D.Ou]

99.

Cecily, thank you for re-visiting your painful experience again and again, to educate and inform the rest of us who haven't had the experience. Thank you for opening your heart and inspiring us to do the same. Thank you for acknowledging your anger even as your open your heart, so that our own emotions are validated.

Every time I read some of the comments on this topic I end up shaking with fury, at those people who dare to force their morality on others.

Thank you for voicing both your own loss and the facts of the matter so eloquently. Bless you.

[Sunny]

100.

You know, I felt horrible last fall when I had to take my dying, suffering cat to the vet to have him put to sleep. Everyone told me how humane I was being and what a compassionate decision I had made. DH said only "This is why I'm glad I'm not God--He has to make this decision ALL THE TIME"

Makes me wonder if the ultra conservatives like Mary and Jeff, who believe God is the author of all life, understand that He is thereby the author of all death too...if He's almighty and all-knowning He must be in charge, right? If he's in charge, then He not all decides which babies are born, but which will be miscarried Let's not even include the babies that are aborted by 'choice'. Doesn't that make God an abortionist?

Truly, I'm not trying to fan any flames, but I just don't understand the lack of any reasonable thought process. I AM a conservative Christian, and a nursing student. I've had to think long and hard about these things. There is no question in my mind that I'd be able to assist in a saving a patient's life--and then mourn their loss with them.

I'm sick and tired of the narrow, black and white view that so many of my fellow Christians puke up in such a down right evil, non Christian way--they do exactly the opposite of what God wants to have done. Where does God EVER say "thou shalt not kill one, but two and deprive a husband & children of their mother"?

When anti-abortionists back up their point with "thou shalt not kill" do they ever consider the fact that they are indeed condeming (KILLING) women like Cecily to death? Ever? How about praying and asking God for a better cure for eclampsia and other pregnancy related conditions that kill women and their very wanted babies?