Just A Little More

I thought I was done. After writing that last post, reading and responding to all of the comments (well, the ones without fake email addresses anyway), I thought I had nothing more to say on the issue. But apparently, I was wrong.

At church yesterday (yes, I go to church), the pastor asked if anyone had joys or concerns, as he does every week. My hand went up in the air, almost without me meaning it to, and I spoke about the news of the week and how difficult it had been.

I spoke about my anger. Not anger, actually--more like intense rage about this issue. I asked for the ability to find forgiveness for the five men that made a decision about my life and my body, even though they gave no thought to me or my life or my worth as a human being. I said that I wanted to be an activist and an advocate, but I knew that real change comes only from being in a place of quiet hope and having an open heart, and I don't yet have that. I found myself shaking and crying as I asked for the ability to forgive.

I was more upset than I realized.

I'm willing to talk about this until I'm blue in the face, because every time I do, someone else tells me that they didn't realize the implications of this issue, and they've found that they've changed their minds. Truth is, those of us who have had a late term abortion often don't want to talk about how that pregnancy ended. We say, euphemistically, that we've "lost" the baby or babies. Only women who have gone something similar know what that might mean. That's why I talk about it.

But sometimes it's hard. Each time I post about this some new person says that I killed my baby (or babies, because they didn't actually READ what I wrote, and don't know that one twin had already died), or says they just don't understand why I didn't deliver the surviving baby and give him "a chance," or even graciously acknowledge that it's just so sad that I was pressured into making this decision by my doctors.

Over the two years I've been speaking openly about this, I've developed a bit of a shell to protect myself. But sometimes, when I'm not being careful, something in me slips and I realize that I'm absolutely fucking furious. I just cannot believe that people don't get it. I cannot accept that FIVE MEN made a decision for everyone with a uterus in this country. I find myself looking at my daughter, knowing that my mother had preeclampsia, I had preeclampsia, and it's highly likely that she, too, will have to battle that disease. I want to run to Washington and stand in front of the court and shriek my rage at the building. I want to curse those men, wish terrible things on the women in their lives, just so they fucking GET IT.

But I won't.

Instead, I will pray, and pray furiously, that I can continue to keep my heart open to those that disagree with me. I will continue to explain what happened to me, over and over and over. I would do it on Good Morning America if they'd let me. I want people to hear my story, and to rethink what they believe. I want to fight to keep choice open to all women, everywhere.

One anonymous commenter accused those of us that are Pro-Choice of "hiding" behind our tragedies, of using our tragedies to keep abortion legal. Of course we are! No one--NO ONE--thinks using abortion as birth control is a good idea. But when you start placing limits, when you start CRIMINALIZING A MEDICAL PROCEDURE, suddenly there are no doctors willing to perform that procedure, and then there is no fucking choice, and women start dying. You cannot claim to be Pro-Life and then devalue the lives of women so much! You just can't.

The scripture lesson at church this week was John 21:1-19. Basically (and forgive my paraphrasing) it discusses Jesus' third post-crucifixion appearance, in which he asks Peter to tend his sheep three times. According to my pastor, in the original Greek Jesus first asks him to attend the lambs, then the older sheep, and then, as my pastor put it "the big old sheep."

If you ask me, that makes it clear that Jesus wanted all of us protected. It's doesn't say just the lambs, or the lambs above everyone else. It says, right there in the bible, that Jesus wanted "a big old sheep" like me protected too. And this law does just the opposite.

Comments

[Heather AKA Epiphany Alone]

I admire you, Cecily. That you keep speaking about it despite your anger (and sadness at times, I can only imagine).

[justdawn]

I admire your courage in being able to discuss your experiences and your loss so openly.

It infuriates me when people who claim to be such devout Christians are so closed minded to people's feelings.

Jesus wasn't closed minded...

[Emily]

"I would do it on Good Morning America if they'd let me."

Figure out how. Get yourself a publicist, maybe? Talk to your local Planned Parenthood people? What other giant organizations are there out there who are up in arms about this?

Go, get on the news. Tell them all, because your story is the one that nobody with a heart, nobody with compassion, can look in the eye and condemn.

[Lisa]

With all due respect, five men didn't DECIDE anything. They just upheld a law passed by Congress.

Maybe your wrath should be better directed towards the people who voted FOR the ban, including 18 women in the House, and four women in the Senate, including Democrats Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas and Mary Landrieu of Louisiana.

[Amy]

In response to your stated desire to do something, I simply say: keep talking. Your words, and your story, are beyond powerful. Thank you for sharing them.

[christa]

Being rabidly pro-choice I often have difficulty understanding the rabidly pro-life side of things. I have been trying, more and more to see things from other people's perspectives on this issue. If I have a better understanding of where people with different views are coming from, maybe I'll do a better job having a civil discussion and exchange of ideas instead of writing people off as crazy conservatives.
I can only hope that these sorts of discussions help bring people to a better, more tolerant place.
I think that a lot of the time, people just aren't very informed. On a somewhat related topic, after I got a job working for a biotech company, my sister says to my mom, "It's great that she has a new job, but doesn't she feel bad about killing all of those babies?" If my sister doesn't know what I do as a scientist in the biotech industry, it's no surprise that so many people lack understanding of the issues related to these topics. Thank you, Cecily, for continuing to share your story.

[Myra]

Okay...I know you hate mushy stuff like this, but {{{Cecily}}}. If I were there, I'd give you a real one. Please, above anything else, don't lose you faith in God. Like I told one of your commentors, we are followers of God, not people. People are imperfect, God is perfection and love. Let your faith be the beacon that keeps you grounded in these very trouble times. Pray because that is all us "liberal" christians can do. Please, don't lose that lovely faith in God, because I'm gonna need some company in Paradise the way things are going w/ the "christian right" LOL. :) love ya!!

[JuliaKB]

You know I love you, right?
I am glad you had the outlet of your church to get these feelings out. I hope you do get to tell your story on TV-- everyone should get to hear your story. There is just too much misinformation out there, and people are just too willing to buy it.

[Jeff Culbreath]

Just for the sake of clarity, Cecily, I would like to know what your position on abortion actually is.

Do you believe abortion should be legal only when the child is certain to die anyway?

Do you believe abortion should be legal for any reason up to the point of viability?

Do you believe abortion should be legal only when the life or the health of the mother is in danger?

Do you believe abortion should be legal at any time, under any circumstances, for any reason whatsoever?

[Cyl]

I applaud you for seeking to forgive while continuing to fight. It shows that you are not just riding a crest of emotion in your argument--and for your argument to be effective, which I wish it to be, you are going to need that perfect blend of anecdote, verifiable fact, emotion, logic, and persuasiveness.

I'm on your side in this one, Cecily. Every woman's *health* and *life* is worth it.

Have the decision/concurrence/dissent been published yet? I can find briefs and oral arguments, but nothing else. I want to fully understand what was upheld.

[Shelley]

Jeff, wait, didn't you say you were exiting the discussion? Because right now what's being discussed is the recent Supreme Court decision. Having been shouted down, with good reason, about the issue at hand, you're now trying to broaden the discussion to include abortion rights in general... which is a pretty crappy debating technique, and quite transparent. You're not seeking "clarity," you're trying to step back up onto your soapbox.

I'm sure Cecily wouldn't mind "clarifying" her position on all abortion rights at some point, in a different post. But here, now? That's really not the point of this discussion, and I really can't see how it'd be productive.

[Jeff Culbreath]

Shelley,

Have you not been reading? Lots of commenters are talking about abortion rights in general.

And Cecily wrote:

"But when you start placing limits, when you start CRIMINALIZING A MEDICAL PROCEDURE, suddenly there are no doctors willing to perform that procedure, and then there is no ... choice, and women start dying."

That sounds like a statement about abortion in general with application far beyond the PBA decision.

[Elena]

"Instead, I will pray, and pray furiously, that I can continue to keep my heart open to those that disagree with me. "

I actually think you have done this quite well and have been very gracious about it. Many of your readers could learn much from your example.

[Mary]

Pro life is pro life for all involved. Not just the mother who is having the difficult birth. No one is forcing you to die, although in order to give my child a chance to live, I would...but we are not talking about me, because I am not a proponent for abortion. If you have to induce, that keeps you alive, and the baby could possibly live...thus making it a win win situation.

I don't believe praying to a God who creates babies to keep abortion legal makes any sense whatsoever, do you? God isn't giving you children to turn around and be happy with your decision to terminate because you deem yourself more worthy.

[Drowned Girl]

Cecily, my heart is with you.

Here in the UK, we find it hard to believe some views in the US can be so backward.

xx

[Mary]

Oh, and I did acknowledge that it was sad that you were pressured into this by your doctors, so you can't say that no prolifer did that.

My quote "I honestly do not think Cecily had the time or the mindframe to have made a decision, but my view or the discussion thereof could help someone else in the future. We all have to learn from each other."

[Shelley]

Jeff, yes, I've been reading your comments, both under your name and as "A Visitor," and others that were about abortion rights in general. It's clear that a lot of people talking about this Supreme Court decision are pretty uneducated about what it actually entails, and what PBA actually is. I wouldn't necessarily include you in that group, but that's why I don't think broadening the discussion to all abortion rights would be useful right now.

And, I still think you're being disingenuous when you say you're exiting the discussion, and then come back asking for "clarity" on Cecily's position on abortion rights in order to get back on your soapbox. I think you know what her position is on all abortion rights, but that's not what this post is about. That's a separate discussion altogether, which Cecily may or may not be interested in having on her blog. But right here, right now? Seems like it'd muddy the waters, rather a lot. Or just maybe that's what you're trying to do.

[Yatima]

Dear Cecily,

When I was a Christian I used to think a lot about the imitation of Christ, and what it meant to be Christlike. It's been years since I left the church, but your love for your children and your patience with your persecutors inspire me to be a better person. You make me want to try to forgive Jeff and Mary.

I will try.

Thank you for everything. I've been thinking about you all week. I miss Nicholas and Zachary.

Rachel

[Jeff Culbreath]

Shelley, it doesn't take much back-reading to prove that this discussion "broadened" to include abortion rights in general long before I started commenting.

Are you demanding that Cecily and everyone else cease commenting on abortion rights in general, or does that just apply to me?

I am not really clear on Cecily's position and I think it is important for everyone to understand where she's coming from.

[Amy]

Love you Cec! My son, for a project at school had to interview anti abortionists at a rally. He is young, and basically agrees with me, abortion is morally repulsive but the government has no right to decide what goes on in a womans uterus. He also made a not so startling discovery. Every single one of the protesters at this particular rally was a middle aged male. As far removed from the uterus of a woman of child bearing age as a person can get.
My own personal experience is that those with the loudest voices are older men, and older women.
How is it that people who have no idea what it is like to be a woman of child bearing age, have the right to make decisions like this?

[Jeff Culbreath]

"He is young, and basically agrees with me, abortion is morally repulsive but the government has no right to decide what goes on in a womans uterus."

Uh, Shelley? Did you catch this? That's a statement about abortion in general. Please inform Amy of the rules.

[mary]

LOL, Jeff!

[Tracy]

Yes, us "big old sheep" do deserve protection, too. (That's the greatest thing I've read all week!) Keep on bleating, sister...keep on bleating.

[jlp]

Thank you for continuing to talk about this. I am incensed by the recent Supreme Court decision, and I greatly value your comments and willingness to share your story.

[Layne]

What you did at church is truly heroic, Cecily. I can't tell you how awed I am by your willingness to acknowledge the rage and still work toward the possibility of peace and forgiveness. I hope that you and those who are inspired by you (including me) can accomplish some of that "real change" in this country's direction on women's issues before it's too late. Many, many blessings on your and your family.