Moving On

I know, I know, I've been a rotten blogger.But I'm straddling two jobs and feeling the strain a bit; my computer time has been dedicated to the new job and my work hours are filled with trying to clear projects before I leave there (in four weeks!).

But I haven't forgotten you guys, and I hope you'll be patient until things level out.

By the way, the other day Tori learned how to high-five AND how to bop her head to music--while I was at work. I've never been so sure that I was doing the right thing by quitting my job.

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After I wrote this post--and then read all of your comments--I had to do a lot of thinking. Was I really ready to find out what happened to the boys after my surgery? Did I really want to look at photos if they exist (being fully aware of what I would see--a 22 week fetus is not a full-term baby, after all)?

I'm still not sure, but I've taken some steps to provide myself with the option. With the help of a friend, I'm getting my hospital chart. Whatever questions remain after I look at that, I'll ask Dr. Mama directly.

I still feel sad, more sad than I've felt in a while about the boys. I feel very raw about it too, but that's good--I know that healing is hovering in the shadows. Or, I should say, further healing.

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Because I'm not the first woman (sadly, nor will I be the last) to lose a child before or shortly after birth, I'm happy to pass on a link to an amazing site that Kristie (no blog, Kristie?) told me about. Before you click on the link, be prepared: this is a site that connects families with photographers that are comfortable taking photographs of babies that have recently died. They are willing to come to the hospital, at short notice (and in the middle of the night), and give you mementos I wish I had (sort of--I wish I had lovely photographs of full-term infants, which wasn't an option for me, since the boys weren't full term. Actually, I wish the boys had been born healthy and full term, but you get what I mean).

The site is a wonderful resource, but there is a video clip on the front page that will have you bawling your eyes out. So be prepared. Here's the link.

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The last thing I'll say in this definitely-lacking-something post is, WHAT A DUMB ASS. But as someone I know pointed out to me, Don Imus says nasty-ass shit like that about women all the time. Would we have even heard about it if he hadn't also been racist? I would love to live in a world where an idiot like this man didn't have a job because no one wanted to listen to his vile hate filled jabbering.

Comments

[Calliope]

I've been a lurker for a while, but I was seriously freaked that "moving on" meant something else.

phew.

[kheatherg]

Fuck Cec- Talk about a website that will knock you on your ass.

I dont think I ever knew how blessed I was to have my children until i saw that.

Thank You.

[Lisa]

I knew next to nothing about Don Imus before this whole thing, and my first reaction was, "wow how misogynistic on top of being racist." It's sickening to think that powerful men can still look upon a woman who has achieved the pinnacle of success in her field, and belittle her by referring to her as a sexual object. As if that's all we are, despite any amazing talents that we may possess. I think every woman (and man who loves a woman) should be outraged by this statement, and the boys club attitude that incubated it.

[Catherine]

C: If you would like to see my pictures of my Travis (at 20 weeks), I will share them with you. I also will show you the "retouched" version done by babyangelpics.com (for free). There is nothing to be afraid of in the pictures. Yes, they look different. But after a moment or two, the shock of their difference wears off and you see your child and all that he was and could have been.

And so people know...NILMDTS takes photos of babies that are born alive but have a terminal diagnosis...and some photographers will take photos of the birth process (tasteful, of course). Just so people don't think they have to have a dead baby before they can call. If anyone knows anyone who even MIGHT have a need, they can look on the website and find a photographer in their area. If they don't want to make the call themselves, they can contact a parent coordinator in the area and we can make the arrangements for them (yes, I am one for my area).

Don Imus is an idiot.

[Carrie]

I got accused of being "easily offended" at work because I pointed out that the statement was misogynistic as well as racist. I am the only woman in the office, of course.

There are artists who will do drawings of babies based on photos if the photos that you do get are a little too "raw". It makes something that some people are a little more comfortable putting up on the mantel. I know one personally, but I don't know if she has a web presence right now. I'll find out if you are interested.

[Elena]

Hi Cecily,

My baby was still born at 23 weeks, although he probably passed a week or so before. Because he died in one position and then was inside of me for a while, his body froze in that position. He had one little arm over his abdomen and one arm under his little cheek. He looked like a tiny baby thad had tried to comfort himself to sleep. Although he had no hair on his body and his features were very fine I saw his little precious face and he did look like my other children. I have a picture that we took framed and in our living room. He just looks like a tiny baby.

[Aurelia]

Cecily, I'm so glad you have taken a few steps, and I hope you find it helps. I second Catherine's thoughts about seeing the pictures and how you will look at them with love and not see the difficult side, but instead the healing side.

Just a thought, if the pictures aren't in your hospital file, and sometimes they aren't in this electronic filing age, then ask social work or the director of nursing. In our hospital they keep mementoes in a special office, not the hospital main files.

As for the fate of the boys, if Dr. Mama doesn't know for sure, ask her to ask pathology. They have records as well quite often.

Much love, I'm thinking of you.
XX

[Alex]

Cecily,

I don't think it would be of any use to you at this point (and maybe not at all given the suddenness of your loss of your boys), but in case it might be of use to others I thought I'd post a link to this article in the New York Times about hospice care for parents anticipating losing a pregnancy or bearing a child with a terminal condition: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/13/health/13hospice.html?ei=5070&en=4b3b623b08ea053c&ex=1176523200&pagewanted=all

You have to register (free) with the NYT to read it...

I found the idea of organized social support for parents facing such situations very touching. Apparently the hospices help parents anticipate and plan for likely needs, things like wanting records and memories of their children -- as well, I think, as providing support in making decisions about things like what medical care parents do/do not want for babies born with terminal conditions.

[mindy]

You made me cry for about an hour!

[ls]

I hope Imus gets fored for this, especially since it isn't the first, nor would it be the last, incredibly crude and ansty thing to come out of his mouth. And it isn't all reserved for women, or black people either; thi sia a man who referred to Jews as "money-grubbing bastards." I was happy to see big advertisers pulling their ads, and their money. It is the only way CBS and MSNBC will listen. Those poor players, their entire miraculous season tainted by someone who never even watched them play.

[car]

Wow. I made it about 8 seconds in to just looking at the pictures scrolling on the home page before I started crying, before even watching the video.

And Yea Tori! Don't think of it as missing the first time she does it, think of it as her practicing to show you the surprise when you get home. (hee hee, won't Mom be surprised when she sees this...)

[cursingmama]

Cec - I'm not sure where I read it (so helpful -no?) but there is a group out there who want to require that hospitals give parents the option of what happens to their childrens bodies. I know that its too late for you & charlie to benefit- but thought that it might be a fight you'd be interested in after you've found your peace.
I do hope you find your peace soon.

[The Aitch]

That link needs a much stronger warning.

[labia lady]

Faaaaaaaaaaaaarrrkkkkk!
OMG .... the tears.... I am sooo blessed
Thanks, I actually needed a good cry...

[car]

This is bending the topic a bit, but kind of related. I'm teaching on end of life care at the moment, and looked up aging with dignity's site to re-check their "five wishes" directive, and saw that they now have a kids' version for terminally ill children. I barely made it through reading it, thinking of a child filling that out. It made me think, though, that something like that might be a good idea for OBs to have as standard practice; to have a directive in place for what to do in case everything goes wrong, so that parents can think about it when it's not a crisis whether they would want pictures, to hold their little ones, etc. Just an idea.

[Heather Michele]

I'm a nurse! I'm a blogger! I'm a big fan of your words. www.conceivedbytheholyspirit.typepad.com

[carrie chan]

Seeking that site made me think about my father who passed away after he was diagnosed with advanced cancer. I couldn't bear to take photos when he was ill but now I wish that I had taken more photos.

I love reading your blog.

[Patti_Cake]

Hi, I found your blog via Jenie's (Insert Catchy Title Here Again). I tried for 10 years to have a baby, got pregnant, lost the baby then three months later got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl in October 2004. I know some of the feelings and pain you feel. I don't talk about that on my blog but reading yours reminded me. I wish you peace honey.

[CharmingDriver]

Steph @ Til My Head Falls Off dropped me the link to the awesome people at Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep when we knew losing Jackson was imminent.

They are the kindest people in the world. They had someone at the hospital faster than we could have hoped and better still, they ''knew what to do'' with the NICU staff best facilitate their work.

One day, in the far and distant future, we may post those pictures but right now, it still feels far too personal and intimate.

[Tina]

It's not your fault as you warned us but I have been so upset since looking at that site last week.

My son THANK GOD was born healthy at 42 weeks. I am so in love with him that just the thought of him being stillborn is haunting me.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at the pictures.

[Rhonda]

Thank you for linking to Now I Lay Me Down... it helped a lot to see that this organization, this site, exists.