Uppercase Woman

On A Much Happier Note

A long time ago, before this blog (so, more than four years ago), I was still at the bottom of the mountain we had to climb to get Tori. I was just beginning to go through the tests to find out the extent of our infertility. I didn't know anyone in person that had gone through anything like this, so naturally I turned to online forums to find support and comfort.

Back then, this site was free, and the forums were full of women trying to have babies. But so many of them were super chipper and hopeful, and they all got pregnant so quickly. I started checking out the threads of those of us that had bigger problems, and somewhere in there, somebody started a thread for my city.

We were a diverse group, but we all shared a bitterness and humor and even--dare I say it--a hope that we would all one day be parents. These women read the first writings of mine that would later become blog entries. They held my hand through IUI after IUI that didn't work, through my first and only IVF cycle, through my OHSS and eventually the Frozen Embryo Transfer that turned into the boys. They never yelled at me for complaining about my morning sickness, and when the time came that I lost the twins, they sent me food, and love, and comfort. I helped when they lost babies too, some to miscarriage, one to Trisonomy 18, one through a domestic adoption where the birth parents changed their minds.

Somehow, we all kept going forward. A couple of times, we actually got together in person. The first time was at a restaurant at a mall, and we all laughed so much the waiter had to ask how we all knew each other. Eventually, we moved off the forum we used and began staying in touch more directly.

We all celebrated as, slowly but surely, babies began to arrive. Some (and some others, and some others) came through adoption. Some of us had babies with the help of IUIs, and some of us had babies via IVF. Some used gestational surrogates. And a couple actually got pregnant, unexpectedly, without medical intervention. Some folks even began considering second babies.

But some still waited.

Until now.

Last night, at 11:56 am, the last baby of our online group arrived (via surrogate). Welcome, Charlie, welcome home. You have no idea how many of us have been waiting so, so long for you. We're so glad you are here.

Now, nearly five years (five, you guys, FIVE) we are no longer a group of infertile women, but a group of mothers. Tears of joy are running down my face for all of us.

Congratulations, everyone. Ellen, Tara, Liana, Chrissi, Barb, Julie, Michele, Shelly, Margie, and of course, me. I'm not sure I would have made it this far without you.  I'm so glad--so fucking glad!--that we have all made it to the other side. It's pretty fucking great here.

Things That Are Pissing Me Off, Version 4.0

In no particular order:

1. This woman. She "wants" to call presidential candidate John Edwards a faggot (she can't, cause then she'd have to go to "rehab"), she claims that the best thing she could say about Mr. Edwards is that she wishes he'd died in a terrorist attack, and she makes fun of the horrific death of his child. In a time when our civil rights, including that of free speech, are slowly being chipped away, somehow this nightmare of a pundit doesn't ever get the bitch slap she deserves.

2. These folks. Well, five of them at least. See above free speech decision as an example of why I think Canada is looking more and more attractive.

3. This incident. First off, if you can't show two young men kissing in a yearbook, you can't show ANYONE kissing in a yearbook. Secondly, to label the photo as "obscene" in the initial response to the uproar is fucking stupid because it wasn't any more obscene than any other kiss in that yearbook. Thirdly, if you were going to prevent the photo from ending up in the yearbook, you should NOT have taken the kid's $150 to include it AND perhaps you could have stopped it at SOME EARLIER POINT IN THE PROCESS instead of BLACKING OUT THE PHOTO like you were a high school student yourself. This story has ended as well as it could; the superintendent admitted that she was homophobic and apologized to both the student and the entire graduating class, and they are reissuing the yearbook with the photo intact. But STILL.

4. This asshole. Thanks, douche bag, for making an entire generation of kids flunk their civics exams by stating that the Vice-President is NOT PART OF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT. In the United States. Even though a little document called the MOTHERFUCKING CONSTITUTION says differently. In other words, are you fucking kidding me??? Charlie thinks he should be in jail. I think he should be booted out of office and forced to cash in his immense fortune and send us each a damn check. Then he should be forced to live on food stamps for a while. That seems fair.

5. Stuff closer to home; everything is breaking. For instance, our wireless port thingy is dying. And our car just underwent another $1,200 repair, and the moment it came home from the shop it started making a horrible rattling noise when it idles. And that it's roughly 10 million degrees out and the new air conditioner we just bought for our bedroom SUCKS ASS and doesn't cool it down at all. I'm tired of things breaking in our homes and lives. Damn it.

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What's pissing you off today?

She Walks

She cried with each step. Poor thing.

Oops! She falls...

She thinks about trying again...

She seems pretty pleased with herself, all in all.

All photos taken at this amazing spot. Will be going there often. More photos here. And when did her hair get so darned light? Not long after this shot I actually died my hair darker so that mine wouldn't be so much lighter than hers. Perhaps going blond is in my future. NOT. Oh, and that blue thing Tori's on? It's a see-saw. So cool.

Better

So, I finally decided to take everyone's advice. After reading all of your comments, and reading throughly through Moxie's sleep section, I decided to try some stuff.

Yesterday Tori took her two naps successfully (her first at 8:30am) and then we took her to the pool for several hours and she played and played. Afterward, I brought her home, gave her a bath, and then nursed her. She fell asleep at 7:15, and I put her to bed at 7:30. Normally she goes to sleep between 9 and 10 (I know, I know, I know), a habit left over from me getting home from work after 7pm.

Shockingly, she stayed asleep. She stayed asleep through Sarah and Pete coming over to drop off the dogs for the weekend (we're watching their dogs while they travel), even though the dogs barked a bit. She slept through Charlie going to bed at 9:30. She slept through me going to bed at 10:30. Sadly, the dogs barked and woke her up after that at 11 (we locked them in the office and they were quiet for the rest of the night), but she went back down just fine.

She was up two other times through the night, but there were a couple of hours between each wake up (2, and 4) so we all slept between those wake ups. We thought we were doomed with her at 4--Charlie tried to rock her back to sleep and she wasn't having any of it, she wanted me--but she fell asleep again and didn't wake up until... 8 am.

8 am.

I am shocked. Apparently, those with more experience know the deal--she was too tired to sleep before.

Sigh.

We're going to keep an eye on her today--she may also transition to one nap a day, I'm afraid--but we'll let her direct.

Soooooooooooooooooo much better.

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Sorry about the confusion yesterday. I needed people with MBAs and OTHER people who are chefs. I got lots of MBAs, so I'm fine there, but I still need some chefs. I'm looking for folks that have gone to culinary school and are either working as chefs or some other culinary area. :) Thanks again!

Sleep, Still Elusive

It's early and I slept, oh, not at all last night. After a few days of sleeping pretty well, last night Tori gave us another run for the money. While camping, she woke up three times a night or so, but usually with an hour or two between wake ups. Last night she was up about five times in a two hour period (and up for a 45-minute stretch in the middle of that). She has an amazing gift of knowing just the moment I'm about to doze off--and choosing that moment to cry. Not good for a life-long insomniac like me.

Honestly, I don't really mind getting up a few times a night, but the twenty-minute intervals are kicking my ass. Luckily, I got a fair amount of sleep while we were away (especially at the hotel--where I slept in my own bed for the first time in years and years) so I'll probably make it through today. But last night I had the worst case of restless leg syndrome I've had in years (starting after Tori finally fell asleep), and I was up until dawn. Charlie was nice enough to take care of Tori this morning when she decided it was a good idea to wake up at 6:30 am (and I say he was nice enough because I know he was tired too and I kept him up with my thrashing about and he's been getting sick--not because it's especially different from what he does on a daily basis), so I slept for an hour or so this morning.

I'm sorry to keep complaining, but it's really getting a bit nuts. I just can't seem to break this cycle for more than a few days at a time.

One quick shout out--Amyinmotown, your "five things" trick really rocked. Thanks. It really helps me relax.

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In my ongoing quest for interviews, today I need CHEFS. And people with an MBA. If you are willing to answer a few quick questions for me, just leave me a note in the comments! Thank you...

10 Things I learned While Camping This Weekend With A One-Year-Old: In the order in which I learned them.

1. Hey, this isn't so bad! All you need is someplace safe to stick the baby while you set everything up, and it will be fine! (we brought Abubabe with us and set it up as it was intended and it worked well).

2. The tent--which usually causes a HUGE FIGHT during set up--goes up very quickly if you simply do not read the instructions. Because the instructions are WRONG. No, really.

3. If your one-year-old decides she's had enough, she will sit in her little play yard jail and weep piteously.

4. If you allow your one-year-old to toddle happily around the outside of the play yard, she will be nearly as confined and will do laps contentedly around the outside--until she remembers she can crawl.

5. If you allow your one-year-old to toddle around the picnic table, however, she will very gently slip just the tiniest bit and end up whacking her cheek on the edge of the seat bench and even though she didn't hit it very hard it will begin to swell rapidly and fill with blood.

6. Your injured daughter will NOT understand why you need to apply some mad pressure to her boo boo to prevent a major hematoma from occurring on her face and will cry and cry and cry and you will feel HORRIBLE.

7. Ten minutes later she will not remember the injury and will demand to toddle around the table again.

8. If you are camping, your child will get filthy. And I mean FILTHY.

9. If you are patient, she will, eventually sleep outside. Well, in the tent, but you know what I mean.

10. If you decide after the trip is done that you really aren't ready to go home, and choose to instead stay at a dog-friendly hotel overnight, but you are out of clothes for you and the baby and your husband so you have to go to the nearest store to do a bit of shopping, and that store happens to be a Walmart, you will totally blend in with your filthy camping clothes and your baby with a black eye. No one even blinks.

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Full photos of the trip here. It really went very well.

Happy Father's Day, Charlie!

I love you more than you can know (and more than I let on, sometimes...). You are the best father I've ever seen. Tori and I worked hard on this; we hope you like it. :)

Video Post: It's Not So Bad

5 am, and yeah, I'm whining again

Today Tori decided that 5 am was when she wanted to start her day.

I have had about four good nights of sleep in the last five or six weeks.

I started my day by deciding to "lay down the line" with Charlie at 6:30 am. He took it like a champ, bless him.

I can't get to sleep before 1 am--and last night I went to bed at 10 pm. I spend about three or four hours a night tossing and turning. I've tried getting up and reading, getting up and working, and getting up and watching television. No drugs help. Nothing seems to help. Staying in bed, even though I'm not actually sleeping, makes me feel the least awful the next day.

I'm going out of my mind.

I understand sleep regressions, and that Tori's growing and developing, but I am a wreck and Charlie (who is normally a great sleeper) is slowly becoming a wreck too. I don't know what to do.

This morning I actually threatened to leave the family if I didn't get some damn sleep. I'm so embarrassed to write that, for so many reasons. First of all, because it's not really true in any way, shape, or form (and I try very hard to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean). Secondly, Charlie's mother did that to him when he was a kid, so it is just plain cruel. But in that moment--after trying to get Tori to go back to sleep, when she would start to sleep while I held her, but woke up each time I put her down, and refused to sleep when I laid down with her (she was basically doing what we've been asking Iraq to do--if I laid down, she stood up)--I meant it. God forgive me, I meant it.

I know many of you have had it worse--that your kids don't sleep well, or are up multiple times a night and have been for months, or are sick and troubled. I know. And I'm an asshole for complaining. But I'm almost 40 years old, and I just can't function without sleep. I could accept the baby changing her sleep pattern so much more easily if I was getting any quality sleep at all.

I'm really going out of my mind.

It's now 8:37, and I'm going to try to take a nap. Wish me luck.

Sleep, oh glorious sleep... I remember you well, my friend.

It's now 1:38 pm, and Tori has been up since 7 am, and she will. not. sleep. Every time I've tried to put her down she screams bloody murder until her face puffs up.

This has never happened before.

Combine this with the fact that for nearly a week now I have slipped back into my pattern of not sleeping myself and you have one very messed up household. Lately I've been going to bed at midnight, reading until 1 am, then tossing and turning until around 4am. Tori has been, blessedly, sleeping until 9 am or so most days, and Charlie has been nice enough to let me sleep in sometimes while he gives her breakfast.

But I'm starting to feel like a bit of a wreck. I've tried everything--every drug that helps--and no drugs. I've tried napping, and not napping. I've tried getting up and working. Nothing works.

I'm also getting paranoid. Earlier this week my main contact at the new job was busy for a bit and I managed to decide that the new job hated me and wasn't going to use my services anymore. In about two and a half seconds, I managed to do that. Instead, of course, he was just BUSY. With HIS job. Cause I'm an idiot.

It's all because I haven't slept.

Adding to the craziness is the fact that things are breaking around us. The downstairs air conditioner (it's a giant window unit) died. We had someone come out and look at it, and it's dead dead dead (I know, we should have just known that, but it was worth checking. It used to be a great air conditioner). Luckily, the weather is being fucking bizarre around these parts (first we had beautiful warm sunny days that managed to always cloud up and begin raining RIGHT when the pool opened at 4 pm, and now it's like 62 degrees for some fucking reason. And cloudy. The pool, by the way, will start opening at 11 am next week. It's because all the lifeguards are all 12 years old and are still in school).

I believe that might be the worst, and most confusing, paragraph I've ever written. But I'm too tired to try to fix it now.

I just have to mention this, by the way: Jay Jay The Jet Plane? Fucking freaky as SHIT.

Besides the air conditioner, the car is making weird noises again. Charlie and I differ on how to deal with this. Because I've been poor my whole life and have always had piece of shit cars, I figure if a car with 140,000 miles on it squeaks now and again, no big deal. Charlie has the opposite reaction--he believes if the car is making a noise, it means that we will all soon die in a fiery crash and it must be fixed NOW.

You can imagine how much fun we have around that issue.

Anyway.

Hopefully I will sleep soon. I believe that one of two things are going on; a) I've become a crazed anxiety-ridden lunatic who will never sleep again or b) my body is trying to resort to its favorite sleeping schedule now that I'm not working--going to bed around 3 am and getting up at 10 am. This schedule doesn't really work with a baby, though.

So I guess I'm going to go the opposite direction and start going to bed at 9 pm for a few days. Maybe at least then I'll sleep a bit.

Sigh.

I'm going to try to get the baby to sleep. I'm seriously considering resorting to some *benadryl at this point. But first we'll try nursing and lying down on my bed. Luckily, my mother is babysitting this afternoon (we're gonna catch a movie matinee) so we can foist her off on someone else*. Heh.

*I would never be that mean, either to Tori or my mom. Kidding.

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Thanks for the great tips on my last post. You all seem to be pretty much on the same page. I have to say, I think I gave the wrong impression too--I don't really get all that frustrated with Tori when she acts up. I'm not sure why, but I seem to have an immense well of patience when it comes to Tori--during the day time. When she refuses to sleep in the middle of the night (this happens rarely, thank god), I sometimes lose my cool. :)