Consistency, the Impossible Dream

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Now that my daughter is a bit older and walking around, it has become significantly more challenging to keep her out of trouble. She's only been walking for a little over a month and she is into EVERYTHING.

I know all you other moms are nodding your heads and saying, oh, yes, I know what you mean. I'm not sure you do. When I mean everything, I mean EVERYFUCKINGTHING. At the story hour at the library, Tori doesn't just pull books off the shelves, grab all of the toys, and steal pacifiers from other parent's infant car seats. She will also rummage through your purse if you left it on the floor, go through the trash behind the librarian's desk, and attempt to operate the CD player being used during story time.

I watch everyone else's kids, and I have spotted exactly THREE other kids as mobile, insistent, stubborn and grabby as Tori. And while I realize that many of the kids at the story hour are older than Tori is (usually we go to the ones offered for kids two and under, and she's not quite 16 months old), they ALL seem to listen to verbal commands better than Tori does.

I'm sure that more experienced moms are chuckling along and rolling their eyes at my plight. Sure, it doesn't rank very high on the world peace scale, but it's still scary. Tori will pick up everything from the ground and put it in her mouth. No, really, everything. She eats the dog's food. She eats dirty Kleenex if she can find it. She has pulled a lamp in the living room off the table four different times and shattered the light bulb. Not too long ago I found her sucking on a bottle of insect repellent that was zippered into her diaper bag.

I understand, from reliable sources, that children do not learn anything resembling impulse control until they are two. But Tori is nearly as agile as the two-year-olds we know (really, she is--I'm not just saying that cause I think she's special), which leaves me with a smart, physically talented kid that has no desire or willingness or (OK, I'll concede the point) capacity for responding to her parent's shrieks of OH MY GOD STOP STOP STOP.

What's even more frustrating is that when I mention this to some parents I know, they say things like, "Oh, we never even put up a baby gate--we just trained him/her/them to not go in areas they weren't allowed." Really? With what, a fucking cattle prod? Cause short of electrical shocks, I'm not sure Tori is trainable. And knowing her, she'd just laugh cause they tickled.

Advice from this site says:

Toddlers need to feel independent and capable.You can help them use their developing language skills to label their own and others' actions. Learning to describe actions, thoughts, and feelings with words is key to having good impulse control.

Oh, thanks. That is so helpful. Now I'll just say, "Tori, you are really great at pulling the lamp over and I know you think it's fun. But it throws the lamp to the floor and makes the bulb shatter into a million pieces that will cut up your little feet--whoops! See what I mean?"

I'm sure THAT will help.

I understand that the key to success in this area is consistency. When I was discussing this with my best friend this morning, she was discussing how much easier it is to be inconsistent. When you're tired, you don't want to have to fly off the couch and go grab the kid away from the bowl of dog food. It's not like it's poison for fuck's sake--let her eat it. I (much to other mother's shock and chagrin) allow Tori to chew on sticks she picks up at the park (I guess it's my vet tech experience that's to blame there--after all, dogs like chewing sticks, why not kids?). But of course she can't be expected to know the difference between a stick and someone's half-gnawed candy bar or a tasty bit of dog poop.

I do try. I really do. But toss my husband into the mix and consistency becomes utterly IMPOSSIBLE.

When Charlie and I first met, I had a wonderful little dog named Misty. I'd trained Misty to not beg while I was eating. She knew that when I was done eating I'd put the plate on the floor (oh, stopping saying ew--dog's mouths have an enzyme in their saliva that is practically antibacterial) and then it would be all hers. But when Charlie started hanging out at my house, he was so eager to get in her good graces that he began feeding her little tidbits off his plate constantly, and just like that, poof! Eight years of dog training went out the window.

So if I try to tell Tori that everything on the top shelf of the end table is OFF LIMITS and take her hands off the things she's trying to grab, a half-hour later I'll catch my husband obligingly unplugging the baby monitor that sits there and letting her play with it.

But it's not just him. He's way more safety conscious than I am, so when Tori crawls to the edge of our bed he will say "No!" and pull her away from it, while I allow her to push the boundaries there--the end result being that she's fallen off the bed three times in my care, and none in his.

Sarah said it's like training a dog, but it's not. Dogs are way easier. Dogs start at loud noises instead of turning around and laughing and indicating that the noise (usually consisting of me yelling NO or STOP or DON'T) should be repeated cause it was so funny. Not one dog that I've trained has ever done that. Dogs spit out things that taste bad instead of trying a different section of the same thing because it might be different on that corner! Dogs also don't usually pull lamps off end tables. Well, OK, sometimes they do.

There is, of course, one way to instill impulse control or train kids Tori's age--hitting them. Slapping hands, spanking, whatever. I won't, and can't, do it. I don't think it really helps the kid in the long term, and I can't be the one that causes pain (at least not until she's a teenager and then it will be angst and not pain).

Short of that, I'm totally at a loss. It makes it difficult to take Tori places, even the houses of my friends with kids. Where most children are content to play with the offered toys, Tori wants to play with the stereo equipment and pull nails out of the wall or screws out of the screen door (no, really). She's smart, stubborn, clever, willful, and a problem solver--and short of six-foot high brick walls (or, OK, a well-placed baby gate) nothing will keep her out of what she wants to get into. Nothing.

Shit. That sounds an awful lot like her mother...

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I just want to add a quick note about the current debacle concerning the new social website owned by Google called Orkut (like Myspace and Facebook). Apparently, every single teenager in Brazil has decided it is hilarious to steal images of little kids Tori's age from Flickr and creating fake profiles for them on Orkut. If you've been checking out Tori's photos on Flickr, you may have noticed that I've marked them all friends and family only now to try to prevent her from getting her very own profile (you can send me an email within Flickr if you want me to friend you so you can still view them). Sarah has more info about it here. Orkut has apparently been in trouble already with the law regarding child pornography, so if you have public images of your kiddos out there on the web, you might want to check it out. Yuck.

Comments

[Lee]

Tori may be as physically agile as a two-year old but she's still *just* sixteenth months young!

Hang in there and read Moxie's great entry about toddlers understanding the word, "no".

BTW, don't get hung up on the other parents who didn't need baby gates or whatnot. They're the vast minority...the other 98% of us are running around pulling our hair out praying for Age 2 or so when language skills make things like this easier.

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2007/08/qa-toddler-unde.html

[ktpupp]

Ah, yes, she does sounds just like her mother! :)

I can relate because Kayleigh has a very strong stubborn streak that has been there since she was born. It's tough, because she will do what she darn well wants to do - no matter how much you try to tell her "No."

The biggest help I can offer is to suggest diversion. When Tori heads toward something she shouldn't, offer a diversion. It's no guarantee, but if you can distract her and focus her energy somewhere else you can prevent some of the lamps falling, dog poop eating, etc.!

When all else failed, I would silently tell myself "This stubborn streak sucks for me as her parent, but in the long run she's going to be a better woman as a result of her independant spirit and strong will to be herself." Not much consolation when you are watching the light bulb shatter for the zillionth time, but what can ya do?!!?

(Oh, and after a few years of semi-peace in elementary school, with the arrival of the teenage years I now find myself again having to reassure myself in times of struggle that "This stubborn streak sucks for me as her parent, but in the long run...")

[goodsandwich]

I know, you think we don't know, but we do!

I don't know who told you they develop impulse control at age 2, either -- mine is just shy of 3 and while he has a little more than he had at 16 months, it's still HEAVILY supplemented with reminders.

I for one don't think consistency is all it's cracked up to be. Consistent love, consistent care, consistent feeding, consistent messages that she is worthwhile, consistent presence of parents -- absolutely yes. But if Tori is as smart as she sounds, she already knows consistency -- you consistently disallow the top shelf. And Daddy consistently allows it. That's consistent enough for her.

The thing that helped me most about this stage -- and yes it was the hardest one for me, so far -- is to remember that to Tori, "NO" doesn't mean "I must stop myself now." "NO" to her means, "That's the word mommy says just before she comes over here and helps me stop this." She needs your help, not just remembering what's off limits, but with the actual action of stopping. And helping her is exhausting! But less frustrating when looked at in this way, I think.

I think that when people successfully trained their children to not do things, they just had an unusually pliant child. Or, this stage was so traumatic for them that they have blocked it out entirely!

[Jenni]

Wow we have the same kid!

No advice since you have 3 months more experience in this whole mommy business than I do. I am a great advocate of keeping my kid safe though so I do a lot of gating and have seperate play areas for the wee man and seperate for the dogs.

[Melissa Garrett]

Oh, dear friend. I empathize, really I do. I've been in your position three times over ~ the youngest, at almost 27 months, is at the height of her troublemaking. She LOVES to empty shampoo bottles on top of the toilet or squeeze every last bit of toothpaste from the tube. She puts everything into her mouth, as well, and I am sure you've heard how bad it is for children to eat toothpaste. I had to clean an entire bowl of grapenuts from the floor this morning that she decided to scatter to all four corners, as well as apple bits that she left on the ground, partially chewed, in Hansel & Gretel form. I know how it is about going out ~ I sweat bullets when I go anywhere with her that's remotely confining. Forget the grocery store or shopping of any kind. I am always amazed at children who just sit like little zombies. What the heck is up with that anyway? NONE of my children have been placid individuals. I am utterly exhausted by the end of the evening.

PS - I used a baby gate at the top of the stairs until she started to climb over. I figured that wasn't exactly safe, especially when she pushed it over and catapulted down, so I removed it when she was about 2, and we spent a few days doing nothing but going up and down the stairs.

In short (brevity is not my forte), I know how you feel.

[Jo-Ann]

I understand more than you know. I can relate relate relate. I still have baby gates STILL. I have one lamp in my living room that is not broken. I live this life. It is hard. Consistent is the way to go. It is a pain in the butt but you and Charlie need to agree what is important for her not to do and what is ok for her to do. Keep it a short list that gets longer with age. It has kept E and I out of divorce court.
When she is 2 invest in 1,2,3 Magic Steps to Parenting. It really really helped when R was getting kicked out of daycare and I went to night work. We STILL use it with him and it works wonderful, he rarely goes to time out these days. We are starting this with A.
Cec I call this stage the "look mom no brain" stage. They are into everything and anything but are clueless to danger.
Hang in there my friend.

4 is wonderful.................

[spacemom]

Can't read the other replies.

Um, Tori will quickly understand there are MOMMY rules and DADDY rules. Don't stress about that.

However, you are doing the right things. Continue to talk to her. You may feel stupid, but yes saying "Tori, we don't touch the lamp because it will hurt you" will work. Not the first million times, but damnit, that million and oneth time, Click! It works!

And when she smiles and runs off, instead of getting frustrated, think "That's my girl. Proud and strong and takes shit from no one. Not even us"

(ps- the phase passes...trust me)

[maggie]

My daughter is almost a year old and she is the same way - she will put anything into her mouth (including her OWN poop) (gross). She started walking at 9 months and managed to figure out how to get out of the gates at 10. We are very consistant in what she can and can not have because in the long run it will be easier (cross fingers) My daughter is the original ragamuffin and I love her. Hang in there! Your daughter sounds normal to me - either that or MY daughter and Your daughter are both abnormal!

[Carly]

I hate to sound like an old fart here, but if you are busy doing something (even resting for a minute!) and can't be in arm's reach of your child, she should be in playpen.

(Big sweeping dramatic overgeneralization: I don't understand why people are willing to put their baby in a crib at night, to keep them safe, but not put them in a playpen because "it's a cage". It's a safety device, like a carseat or a crib, and if you use it right the child begins to see it as "their place". )

I defnitely DO NOT advocate plopping your child in one and sitting down to watch 3 hours of soap operas and ignoring your baby!

It just makes sense to me to use one for brief intervals so that you can take a shower (or just run to the ladies room for a quick trip, or cook dinner, or WHATEVER) and the child is safe.

Please PLEASE forgive me for sounding like I'm judging you. I'm really sorry. I just hate to see someone tearing their hair out and it sounds like you've never even considered a good old fashioned playpen stocked with a few really interesting toys that she can't have any other time.

Now, that being said, I started my kid in one when she was about a week old, for naps during the daytime, so it became a familiar place. But if you plunk your sweet girl in there now, you will both end up sobbing. SO I'm not sure you want to endure a transition to her accepting being put in it sometimes. But you might want to think about it.

(A thousand kudos to you for not resorting to hitting. )

[Amanda]

I'm dreading the walking - my 11 month old already gets into seemingly everything and he can't even walk yet. We've noticed that most of our friends who have kids in the 1-4 year age group deal with it by having the minimalist look to their homes (or at least rooms the kids are allowed in). No bookshelves to tear books off of, no lamps on endtables, no garbage containers that aren't behind babyproofed cabinet doors, etc. We're slowly working that way too. As much as it sucks to put some of our beloved things into hiding, it's just so much easier than trying to put the books back on their shelf for the 10th time that day. Besides the minimalist clean modern look is "in" right now.

I've also noticed that Jackson isn't interested in toys that we put easily within reach, but if I put it up on the bathroom counter that he can just barely reach, he loves it. So we've started putting things he's allowed to play with in places that are a little more challenging to get to. It may be a bad decision in the long term, encouraging him to climb and stretch, but it makes him so happy when he gets hold of something.

Good luck - I'm interested to hear if you find anything that works with your clever girl that we can apply to our adventurous boy.

[Julie]

Dylan and Tori - cut from the same cloth. I'm sure you're rolling your eyes cause he listened to me at the party but...

1-2-3 Magic baby! Get it, read it, love it, use it and you won't be sorry.

[Jill]

At this age, it's change the environment, not the child- something I learned from PAT.

p.s. Do you have Parents as Teachers there? If so, check it out. Totally fun for the kids, and great info for parents.

[Kathleen]

I second the enviroment change.

Kids at that age have "hungry hands." They want to touch and mess with everything. We baby-proofed our house. Baby gates, things up way up high or out of sight, latches on doors, etc. It looked like we were drying out from a flood. We put his stuff on the shelves and had two cabinets in the kitchen that were his (pots and pans and so on) that he could open and play with at will.

However, it was worth it because our son could explore freely and, this is key, I did not feel on the edge of insanity anymore because I could not keep up with him.

Eventually things started drifting back in. We started with the not-so-dangerous stuff and eventually he figured out what is what.

My best personal tip is for bookshelves and record shelves. Pack them so tight that it's a struggle for an adult to get out a book. You'll be amazed how quickly your kids looses interest in looting the bookshelves once it becomes difficult when there are so many easier things to loot!

[Kate]

Oh do I have memories of that stage. I used baby gates, until kiddo learned to climb and/or open them. Then there was a period of time that I did not sit down...I was constantly chasing him, telling him no, redirecting him, distracting him. Oh it was so, so tiring. My husband and I were a lot like you and Charlie too, where one of us would allow something, and the other wouldn't. We got through it, and so will you. I have no advice, but just to keep doing what you're doing.

[dregina]

She IS a bit young for impulse control, and Jesus H. the late 1s/early 2s can be a tough age.

I'm not a mom, I'm a former preschool/Head Start teacher. So my advice should be taken with a big dose of salt. But this was our classroom's approach for our little adventurers -

Whenever it was reasonable and safe, we would just give the "spirited" child a verbal warning of what was about to happen if they did X, Y, or Z. We wouldn't intervene, we would just stand nearby and allow said negative experience happen. The philosphy was that A) some children really need to learn EVERYTHING for themselves, so if it's not life/limb threatening, just let it happen and B) ideally the child will eventually see that when we give a warning and they ignore it, the bad thing we warned them about happens, and that therefore our warnings are helpful added information to their little toddler plans, not just annoying background noise.

Some toddlers just won't for help unless they're in a little bit over their head. And it's just so much more enjoyable/productive to help a child that wants help rather than one who's resisting help.

[Krista]

"Dogs start at loud noises instead of turning around and laughing and indicating that the noise (usually consisting of me yelling NO or STOP or DON'T) should be repeated cause it was so funny."

I guess my question would be, does she stop what she is doing to turn around and laugh at you? Because if she does, she'd kind of doing what you told her, even is she is laughing while you do it.

Still, that's tough. Good luck!

[Meira]

All hail Sarah -- I can remember when S was around that age, looking around and thinking about it and deciding that consistency really is one of the hardest things about parenting. I just get so tired, and suddenly all my motivation is out the window.

It also reminds me of hearing something as a teenager about alchoholic parenting wherein the rules change according to how much the parent has had to drink. I can remember thinking that all the staff at my tiny high school must've been alcoholics, because I'd totally figured out when the mood was right to get away with murder, and when the mood was such that I'd get in trouble for the littlest thing. I don't know if that's relevant to anything, but it came to mind.

I do think that Tori's just about at the age where she can understand different rules for different people/places -- like the twins know that Chris' or the babysitter's cell phones are acceptable play things, but mine is off limits. Which is great when Charlie is in charge or you're in charge, but what about when you're in charge together? Dunno. I do recall that Chris and I have ended up announcing to the other, "I know there's a rule about blah-blah, but I let them do it last night, so maybe we need a new rule?"

[Jana]

I ate dog kibble and am just fine; in fact maybe/maybe not that's what killed my uterus because my dogs are my children. Dogs are the best. If she's not in danger, i.e. a lamp, let her continue eating sticks!

[wndl]

my daughter was pretty much on lock-down from 15ish months until 3 years old. once she got to the stage that tori is in now, we decided it was easier to get our house set up to minimize impulse control issues and made our friends come here to socialize. we also didn't take her to the store, a restaurant or really anywhere else, because she was WAY too insistant on using her mobility and being able to do things herself.

she spent a lot of time wandering around the backyard, singing to herself (and probably chewing on sticks)! i know, we're terribly mean moms!

during this time, we worked a lot on table manners and social interactions at home, so when we did venture back out, she was a champ at the restaurant.

oh! i just realized that the daycare she was attending five days a week while we worked is likely the only reason we were able to get away with this method.

good luck! :-D

[Ally]

We still have baby gates up, even though they're more for the dogs now.

Coordinating parenting approaches can be hard. And some of this is just gutting out until the next fun phase comes along. And yeah, I'm giggling a little. Because I'm oh so far ahead of you...right!

[Ally]

Oh, forgot to add, a friend of mine with a kid like this got to the point where he was restrained in the stroller at all times. She has an older child and regardless is the type that goes crazy if she doesn't leave the house every single day. So Max was in the stroller from about tori's age until 3 or so.

[Eva]

What, they're not supposed to eat sticks?

My little girl isn't walking yet, but still gets around and gets into things. My big strategy is to remove everything from where she goes that she can't mess with. Our attic is now filled with lamps, side tables, etc. and our house is awash with baby crap, but at least she can do whatever she wants--mostly test the hinges on cabinets. I almost never say "no" (only about the books on the shelves, but we moved most of the bookshelves to a part of the house she doesn't go).

As for what to do at other people's houses, I don't know. We haven't had a problem there, mostly because my girl sticks close to me when we are visiting, or if she's somewhere she goes a lot, it's always somebody who has baby-proofed out the wazoo. That's just our demographic.

But then my baby is really just a baby still, even though she's 13 months, she's much more infant than toddler. I can see things getting trickier once she's walking.

Consistency IS hard. You give an inch and they, rightfully, claim their mile. We have a very poorly behaved parrot that needs better consistency. We used to be up for it but now there's a baby...

God, I just realized, I sure hope my baby doesn't turn out like that parrot. Terror-struck here.

[ladykuri]

I agree- childproof, childproof, childproof! Lock it, put it behind the couch, put up a gate, whatever you have to do to give her an area that is 100% safe to spend the majority of her time (especially if you are working/cooking/otherwise busy) in. She will learn from the times she ISN'T in her safe zone how to leave things alone, touch gently, etc. She needs a place where she can "let it all out" for at least half or so of most days.

When my daughter was at that age/stage all we had in our living room was a couch with a floor lamp behind it in the corner, a chair, and a wall mounted TV. Plus of course, her toybox and a plastic mini-bookshelf for her books. We could turn her loose in there and be in another room cooking, peeing, whatever with NO worries....well, no worries until she started climbing on the back of the couch, but we took the lamp away and pushed it against the wall for a while then. That way when she fell off it was onto the seat, not the linoleum floor!

[revdrmom]

You are 100% right about consistency. And it is SOOOOO hard--I learned that the hard way, too. I have no assvice, just sympathy and encouragement for hanging in there.

I totally agree with you about the hand-slapping, hitting, etc, too.

[Christine]

From one mother who had TWO CHILDREN JUST LIKE THIS to another....

It'll pass.

I don't have much advice except to say you follow her around like a hawk and count down the days until the maturity catches up with the mobility and interest.

If it makes you feel any better, it's a sign of a VERY well-adjusted, smart child. Keep that in mind as she's reaching for the dog food. :)