Consistency, the Impossible Dream

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Now that my daughter is a bit older and walking around, it has become significantly more challenging to keep her out of trouble. She's only been walking for a little over a month and she is into EVERYTHING.

I know all you other moms are nodding your heads and saying, oh, yes, I know what you mean. I'm not sure you do. When I mean everything, I mean EVERYFUCKINGTHING. At the story hour at the library, Tori doesn't just pull books off the shelves, grab all of the toys, and steal pacifiers from other parent's infant car seats. She will also rummage through your purse if you left it on the floor, go through the trash behind the librarian's desk, and attempt to operate the CD player being used during story time.

I watch everyone else's kids, and I have spotted exactly THREE other kids as mobile, insistent, stubborn and grabby as Tori. And while I realize that many of the kids at the story hour are older than Tori is (usually we go to the ones offered for kids two and under, and she's not quite 16 months old), they ALL seem to listen to verbal commands better than Tori does.

I'm sure that more experienced moms are chuckling along and rolling their eyes at my plight. Sure, it doesn't rank very high on the world peace scale, but it's still scary. Tori will pick up everything from the ground and put it in her mouth. No, really, everything. She eats the dog's food. She eats dirty Kleenex if she can find it. She has pulled a lamp in the living room off the table four different times and shattered the light bulb. Not too long ago I found her sucking on a bottle of insect repellent that was zippered into her diaper bag.

I understand, from reliable sources, that children do not learn anything resembling impulse control until they are two. But Tori is nearly as agile as the two-year-olds we know (really, she is--I'm not just saying that cause I think she's special), which leaves me with a smart, physically talented kid that has no desire or willingness or (OK, I'll concede the point) capacity for responding to her parent's shrieks of OH MY GOD STOP STOP STOP.

What's even more frustrating is that when I mention this to some parents I know, they say things like, "Oh, we never even put up a baby gate--we just trained him/her/them to not go in areas they weren't allowed." Really? With what, a fucking cattle prod? Cause short of electrical shocks, I'm not sure Tori is trainable. And knowing her, she'd just laugh cause they tickled.

Advice from this site says:

Toddlers need to feel independent and capable.You can help them use their developing language skills to label their own and others' actions. Learning to describe actions, thoughts, and feelings with words is key to having good impulse control.

Oh, thanks. That is so helpful. Now I'll just say, "Tori, you are really great at pulling the lamp over and I know you think it's fun. But it throws the lamp to the floor and makes the bulb shatter into a million pieces that will cut up your little feet--whoops! See what I mean?"

I'm sure THAT will help.

I understand that the key to success in this area is consistency. When I was discussing this with my best friend this morning, she was discussing how much easier it is to be inconsistent. When you're tired, you don't want to have to fly off the couch and go grab the kid away from the bowl of dog food. It's not like it's poison for fuck's sake--let her eat it. I (much to other mother's shock and chagrin) allow Tori to chew on sticks she picks up at the park (I guess it's my vet tech experience that's to blame there--after all, dogs like chewing sticks, why not kids?). But of course she can't be expected to know the difference between a stick and someone's half-gnawed candy bar or a tasty bit of dog poop.

I do try. I really do. But toss my husband into the mix and consistency becomes utterly IMPOSSIBLE.

When Charlie and I first met, I had a wonderful little dog named Misty. I'd trained Misty to not beg while I was eating. She knew that when I was done eating I'd put the plate on the floor (oh, stopping saying ew--dog's mouths have an enzyme in their saliva that is practically antibacterial) and then it would be all hers. But when Charlie started hanging out at my house, he was so eager to get in her good graces that he began feeding her little tidbits off his plate constantly, and just like that, poof! Eight years of dog training went out the window.

So if I try to tell Tori that everything on the top shelf of the end table is OFF LIMITS and take her hands off the things she's trying to grab, a half-hour later I'll catch my husband obligingly unplugging the baby monitor that sits there and letting her play with it.

But it's not just him. He's way more safety conscious than I am, so when Tori crawls to the edge of our bed he will say "No!" and pull her away from it, while I allow her to push the boundaries there--the end result being that she's fallen off the bed three times in my care, and none in his.

Sarah said it's like training a dog, but it's not. Dogs are way easier. Dogs start at loud noises instead of turning around and laughing and indicating that the noise (usually consisting of me yelling NO or STOP or DON'T) should be repeated cause it was so funny. Not one dog that I've trained has ever done that. Dogs spit out things that taste bad instead of trying a different section of the same thing because it might be different on that corner! Dogs also don't usually pull lamps off end tables. Well, OK, sometimes they do.

There is, of course, one way to instill impulse control or train kids Tori's age--hitting them. Slapping hands, spanking, whatever. I won't, and can't, do it. I don't think it really helps the kid in the long term, and I can't be the one that causes pain (at least not until she's a teenager and then it will be angst and not pain).

Short of that, I'm totally at a loss. It makes it difficult to take Tori places, even the houses of my friends with kids. Where most children are content to play with the offered toys, Tori wants to play with the stereo equipment and pull nails out of the wall or screws out of the screen door (no, really). She's smart, stubborn, clever, willful, and a problem solver--and short of six-foot high brick walls (or, OK, a well-placed baby gate) nothing will keep her out of what she wants to get into. Nothing.

Shit. That sounds an awful lot like her mother...

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I just want to add a quick note about the current debacle concerning the new social website owned by Google called Orkut (like Myspace and Facebook). Apparently, every single teenager in Brazil has decided it is hilarious to steal images of little kids Tori's age from Flickr and creating fake profiles for them on Orkut. If you've been checking out Tori's photos on Flickr, you may have noticed that I've marked them all friends and family only now to try to prevent her from getting her very own profile (you can send me an email within Flickr if you want me to friend you so you can still view them). Sarah has more info about it here. Orkut has apparently been in trouble already with the law regarding child pornography, so if you have public images of your kiddos out there on the web, you might want to check it out. Yuck.

Comments

[Lee]

1.

Tori may be as physically agile as a two-year old but she's still *just* sixteenth months young!

Hang in there and read Moxie's great entry about toddlers understanding the word, "no".

BTW, don't get hung up on the other parents who didn't need baby gates or whatnot. They're the vast minority...the other 98% of us are running around pulling our hair out praying for Age 2 or so when language skills make things like this easier.

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2007/08/qa-toddler-unde.html

[ktpupp]

2.

Ah, yes, she does sounds just like her mother! :)

I can relate because Kayleigh has a very strong stubborn streak that has been there since she was born. It's tough, because she will do what she darn well wants to do - no matter how much you try to tell her "No."

The biggest help I can offer is to suggest diversion. When Tori heads toward something she shouldn't, offer a diversion. It's no guarantee, but if you can distract her and focus her energy somewhere else you can prevent some of the lamps falling, dog poop eating, etc.!

When all else failed, I would silently tell myself "This stubborn streak sucks for me as her parent, but in the long run she's going to be a better woman as a result of her independant spirit and strong will to be herself." Not much consolation when you are watching the light bulb shatter for the zillionth time, but what can ya do?!!?

(Oh, and after a few years of semi-peace in elementary school, with the arrival of the teenage years I now find myself again having to reassure myself in times of struggle that "This stubborn streak sucks for me as her parent, but in the long run...")

[goodsandwich]

3.

I know, you think we don't know, but we do!

I don't know who told you they develop impulse control at age 2, either -- mine is just shy of 3 and while he has a little more than he had at 16 months, it's still HEAVILY supplemented with reminders.

I for one don't think consistency is all it's cracked up to be. Consistent love, consistent care, consistent feeding, consistent messages that she is worthwhile, consistent presence of parents -- absolutely yes. But if Tori is as smart as she sounds, she already knows consistency -- you consistently disallow the top shelf. And Daddy consistently allows it. That's consistent enough for her.

The thing that helped me most about this stage -- and yes it was the hardest one for me, so far -- is to remember that to Tori, "NO" doesn't mean "I must stop myself now." "NO" to her means, "That's the word mommy says just before she comes over here and helps me stop this." She needs your help, not just remembering what's off limits, but with the actual action of stopping. And helping her is exhausting! But less frustrating when looked at in this way, I think.

I think that when people successfully trained their children to not do things, they just had an unusually pliant child. Or, this stage was so traumatic for them that they have blocked it out entirely!

[Jenni]

4.

Wow we have the same kid!

No advice since you have 3 months more experience in this whole mommy business than I do. I am a great advocate of keeping my kid safe though so I do a lot of gating and have seperate play areas for the wee man and seperate for the dogs.

[Melissa Garrett]

5.

Oh, dear friend. I empathize, really I do. I've been in your position three times over ~ the youngest, at almost 27 months, is at the height of her troublemaking. She LOVES to empty shampoo bottles on top of the toilet or squeeze every last bit of toothpaste from the tube. She puts everything into her mouth, as well, and I am sure you've heard how bad it is for children to eat toothpaste. I had to clean an entire bowl of grapenuts from the floor this morning that she decided to scatter to all four corners, as well as apple bits that she left on the ground, partially chewed, in Hansel & Gretel form. I know how it is about going out ~ I sweat bullets when I go anywhere with her that's remotely confining. Forget the grocery store or shopping of any kind. I am always amazed at children who just sit like little zombies. What the heck is up with that anyway? NONE of my children have been placid individuals. I am utterly exhausted by the end of the evening.

PS - I used a baby gate at the top of the stairs until she started to climb over. I figured that wasn't exactly safe, especially when she pushed it over and catapulted down, so I removed it when she was about 2, and we spent a few days doing nothing but going up and down the stairs.

In short (brevity is not my forte), I know how you feel.

[Jo-Ann]

6.

I understand more than you know. I can relate relate relate. I still have baby gates STILL. I have one lamp in my living room that is not broken. I live this life. It is hard. Consistent is the way to go. It is a pain in the butt but you and Charlie need to agree what is important for her not to do and what is ok for her to do. Keep it a short list that gets longer with age. It has kept E and I out of divorce court.
When she is 2 invest in 1,2,3 Magic Steps to Parenting. It really really helped when R was getting kicked out of daycare and I went to night work. We STILL use it with him and it works wonderful, he rarely goes to time out these days. We are starting this with A.
Cec I call this stage the "look mom no brain" stage. They are into everything and anything but are clueless to danger.
Hang in there my friend.

4 is wonderful.................

[spacemom]

7.

Can't read the other replies.

Um, Tori will quickly understand there are MOMMY rules and DADDY rules. Don't stress about that.

However, you are doing the right things. Continue to talk to her. You may feel stupid, but yes saying "Tori, we don't touch the lamp because it will hurt you" will work. Not the first million times, but damnit, that million and oneth time, Click! It works!

And when she smiles and runs off, instead of getting frustrated, think "That's my girl. Proud and strong and takes shit from no one. Not even us"

(ps- the phase passes...trust me)

[maggie]

8.

My daughter is almost a year old and she is the same way - she will put anything into her mouth (including her OWN poop) (gross). She started walking at 9 months and managed to figure out how to get out of the gates at 10. We are very consistant in what she can and can not have because in the long run it will be easier (cross fingers) My daughter is the original ragamuffin and I love her. Hang in there! Your daughter sounds normal to me - either that or MY daughter and Your daughter are both abnormal!

[Carly]

9.

I hate to sound like an old fart here, but if you are busy doing something (even resting for a minute!) and can't be in arm's reach of your child, she should be in playpen.

(Big sweeping dramatic overgeneralization: I don't understand why people are willing to put their baby in a crib at night, to keep them safe, but not put them in a playpen because "it's a cage". It's a safety device, like a carseat or a crib, and if you use it right the child begins to see it as "their place". )

I defnitely DO NOT advocate plopping your child in one and sitting down to watch 3 hours of soap operas and ignoring your baby!

It just makes sense to me to use one for brief intervals so that you can take a shower (or just run to the ladies room for a quick trip, or cook dinner, or WHATEVER) and the child is safe.

Please PLEASE forgive me for sounding like I'm judging you. I'm really sorry. I just hate to see someone tearing their hair out and it sounds like you've never even considered a good old fashioned playpen stocked with a few really interesting toys that she can't have any other time.

Now, that being said, I started my kid in one when she was about a week old, for naps during the daytime, so it became a familiar place. But if you plunk your sweet girl in there now, you will both end up sobbing. SO I'm not sure you want to endure a transition to her accepting being put in it sometimes. But you might want to think about it.

(A thousand kudos to you for not resorting to hitting. )

[Amanda]

10.

I'm dreading the walking - my 11 month old already gets into seemingly everything and he can't even walk yet. We've noticed that most of our friends who have kids in the 1-4 year age group deal with it by having the minimalist look to their homes (or at least rooms the kids are allowed in). No bookshelves to tear books off of, no lamps on endtables, no garbage containers that aren't behind babyproofed cabinet doors, etc. We're slowly working that way too. As much as it sucks to put some of our beloved things into hiding, it's just so much easier than trying to put the books back on their shelf for the 10th time that day. Besides the minimalist clean modern look is "in" right now.

I've also noticed that Jackson isn't interested in toys that we put easily within reach, but if I put it up on the bathroom counter that he can just barely reach, he loves it. So we've started putting things he's allowed to play with in places that are a little more challenging to get to. It may be a bad decision in the long term, encouraging him to climb and stretch, but it makes him so happy when he gets hold of something.

Good luck - I'm interested to hear if you find anything that works with your clever girl that we can apply to our adventurous boy.

[Julie]

11.

Dylan and Tori - cut from the same cloth. I'm sure you're rolling your eyes cause he listened to me at the party but...

1-2-3 Magic baby! Get it, read it, love it, use it and you won't be sorry.

[Jill]

12.

At this age, it's change the environment, not the child- something I learned from PAT.

p.s. Do you have Parents as Teachers there? If so, check it out. Totally fun for the kids, and great info for parents.

[Kathleen]

13.

I second the enviroment change.

Kids at that age have "hungry hands." They want to touch and mess with everything. We baby-proofed our house. Baby gates, things up way up high or out of sight, latches on doors, etc. It looked like we were drying out from a flood. We put his stuff on the shelves and had two cabinets in the kitchen that were his (pots and pans and so on) that he could open and play with at will.

However, it was worth it because our son could explore freely and, this is key, I did not feel on the edge of insanity anymore because I could not keep up with him.

Eventually things started drifting back in. We started with the not-so-dangerous stuff and eventually he figured out what is what.

My best personal tip is for bookshelves and record shelves. Pack them so tight that it's a struggle for an adult to get out a book. You'll be amazed how quickly your kids looses interest in looting the bookshelves once it becomes difficult when there are so many easier things to loot!

[Kate]

14.

Oh do I have memories of that stage. I used baby gates, until kiddo learned to climb and/or open them. Then there was a period of time that I did not sit down...I was constantly chasing him, telling him no, redirecting him, distracting him. Oh it was so, so tiring. My husband and I were a lot like you and Charlie too, where one of us would allow something, and the other wouldn't. We got through it, and so will you. I have no advice, but just to keep doing what you're doing.

[dregina]

15.

She IS a bit young for impulse control, and Jesus H. the late 1s/early 2s can be a tough age.

I'm not a mom, I'm a former preschool/Head Start teacher. So my advice should be taken with a big dose of salt. But this was our classroom's approach for our little adventurers -

Whenever it was reasonable and safe, we would just give the "spirited" child a verbal warning of what was about to happen if they did X, Y, or Z. We wouldn't intervene, we would just stand nearby and allow said negative experience happen. The philosphy was that A) some children really need to learn EVERYTHING for themselves, so if it's not life/limb threatening, just let it happen and B) ideally the child will eventually see that when we give a warning and they ignore it, the bad thing we warned them about happens, and that therefore our warnings are helpful added information to their little toddler plans, not just annoying background noise.

Some toddlers just won't for help unless they're in a little bit over their head. And it's just so much more enjoyable/productive to help a child that wants help rather than one who's resisting help.

[Krista]

16.

"Dogs start at loud noises instead of turning around and laughing and indicating that the noise (usually consisting of me yelling NO or STOP or DON'T) should be repeated cause it was so funny."

I guess my question would be, does she stop what she is doing to turn around and laugh at you? Because if she does, she'd kind of doing what you told her, even is she is laughing while you do it.

Still, that's tough. Good luck!

[Meira]

17.

All hail Sarah -- I can remember when S was around that age, looking around and thinking about it and deciding that consistency really is one of the hardest things about parenting. I just get so tired, and suddenly all my motivation is out the window.

It also reminds me of hearing something as a teenager about alchoholic parenting wherein the rules change according to how much the parent has had to drink. I can remember thinking that all the staff at my tiny high school must've been alcoholics, because I'd totally figured out when the mood was right to get away with murder, and when the mood was such that I'd get in trouble for the littlest thing. I don't know if that's relevant to anything, but it came to mind.

I do think that Tori's just about at the age where she can understand different rules for different people/places -- like the twins know that Chris' or the babysitter's cell phones are acceptable play things, but mine is off limits. Which is great when Charlie is in charge or you're in charge, but what about when you're in charge together? Dunno. I do recall that Chris and I have ended up announcing to the other, "I know there's a rule about blah-blah, but I let them do it last night, so maybe we need a new rule?"

[Jana]

18.

I ate dog kibble and am just fine; in fact maybe/maybe not that's what killed my uterus because my dogs are my children. Dogs are the best. If she's not in danger, i.e. a lamp, let her continue eating sticks!

[wndl]

19.

my daughter was pretty much on lock-down from 15ish months until 3 years old. once she got to the stage that tori is in now, we decided it was easier to get our house set up to minimize impulse control issues and made our friends come here to socialize. we also didn't take her to the store, a restaurant or really anywhere else, because she was WAY too insistant on using her mobility and being able to do things herself.

she spent a lot of time wandering around the backyard, singing to herself (and probably chewing on sticks)! i know, we're terribly mean moms!

during this time, we worked a lot on table manners and social interactions at home, so when we did venture back out, she was a champ at the restaurant.

oh! i just realized that the daycare she was attending five days a week while we worked is likely the only reason we were able to get away with this method.

good luck! :-D

[Ally]

20.

We still have baby gates up, even though they're more for the dogs now.

Coordinating parenting approaches can be hard. And some of this is just gutting out until the next fun phase comes along. And yeah, I'm giggling a little. Because I'm oh so far ahead of you...right!

[Ally]

21.

Oh, forgot to add, a friend of mine with a kid like this got to the point where he was restrained in the stroller at all times. She has an older child and regardless is the type that goes crazy if she doesn't leave the house every single day. So Max was in the stroller from about tori's age until 3 or so.

[Eva]

22.

What, they're not supposed to eat sticks?

My little girl isn't walking yet, but still gets around and gets into things. My big strategy is to remove everything from where she goes that she can't mess with. Our attic is now filled with lamps, side tables, etc. and our house is awash with baby crap, but at least she can do whatever she wants--mostly test the hinges on cabinets. I almost never say "no" (only about the books on the shelves, but we moved most of the bookshelves to a part of the house she doesn't go).

As for what to do at other people's houses, I don't know. We haven't had a problem there, mostly because my girl sticks close to me when we are visiting, or if she's somewhere she goes a lot, it's always somebody who has baby-proofed out the wazoo. That's just our demographic.

But then my baby is really just a baby still, even though she's 13 months, she's much more infant than toddler. I can see things getting trickier once she's walking.

Consistency IS hard. You give an inch and they, rightfully, claim their mile. We have a very poorly behaved parrot that needs better consistency. We used to be up for it but now there's a baby...

God, I just realized, I sure hope my baby doesn't turn out like that parrot. Terror-struck here.

[ladykuri]

23.

I agree- childproof, childproof, childproof! Lock it, put it behind the couch, put up a gate, whatever you have to do to give her an area that is 100% safe to spend the majority of her time (especially if you are working/cooking/otherwise busy) in. She will learn from the times she ISN'T in her safe zone how to leave things alone, touch gently, etc. She needs a place where she can "let it all out" for at least half or so of most days.

When my daughter was at that age/stage all we had in our living room was a couch with a floor lamp behind it in the corner, a chair, and a wall mounted TV. Plus of course, her toybox and a plastic mini-bookshelf for her books. We could turn her loose in there and be in another room cooking, peeing, whatever with NO worries....well, no worries until she started climbing on the back of the couch, but we took the lamp away and pushed it against the wall for a while then. That way when she fell off it was onto the seat, not the linoleum floor!

[revdrmom]

24.

You are 100% right about consistency. And it is SOOOOO hard--I learned that the hard way, too. I have no assvice, just sympathy and encouragement for hanging in there.

I totally agree with you about the hand-slapping, hitting, etc, too.

[Christine]

25.

From one mother who had TWO CHILDREN JUST LIKE THIS to another....

It'll pass.

I don't have much advice except to say you follow her around like a hawk and count down the days until the maturity catches up with the mobility and interest.

If it makes you feel any better, it's a sign of a VERY well-adjusted, smart child. Keep that in mind as she's reaching for the dog food. :)

[Christine]

26.

Oh! Let me add that the ones whose children don't get into anything either:

A. Are very, very lucky.
B. Are probably beating their child into submission.
C. Are also having their child tested for other maturity issues.
D. Are lying through their teeth.

[Elise]

27.

Well I'm going to be monumentally unhelpful and say that this is totally normal. It's Tori's way of figuring out the world. C'mon, you didn't think EVERY stage was gonna be easy, didja? You got a sweet, chilled out baby, who turned into a super inquisitive toddler. Kudos, she's gonna be SMART.

[carmie]

28.

Oh god, I have had a teary-eyed day over this issue with my 18-month old. The tears were mine because I smacked his butt after the third time he laughed at me for telling him to stop picking the cat up by her tail. I am vehemently opposed to spanking, especially when motivated by anger. Which this one-and-only time was. Way to go, me.

It's SO frustrating!

The ONE thing I have found that seems to dial down the endless no-no-nos is giving him time every day in a "safe" zone. Usually it's the park with a couple toys we brought along, or a playgroup at a local gym. If he gets that little break from the house, he seems to listen better.

We'll survive this, right?

[Leah]

29.

I'm with Kt on this one - distract, distract, distract. It won't always work though. It will most likely not work when you want it to most - murphey's law.

I also agree with baby proof, baby proof, baby proof and playpens are a must at this stage!! You will make yourself crazy without one.

When Aaron was 3, I also had a 2 year old a 1 year old and an infant to take care of. I would have died without babyproofing and playpens.

Then, pick and choose your battles. I only left those things within reach that were either okay for touching and eating or for some other very good reason absolutely could not be moved elsewhere. That way I had fewer battles to pick - less need to say no.

Like you, I am not an advocate of spanking. However, I think there is a HUGE difference between a spanking and a quick (and not hard) swat on a diapered behind used very sparingly and for safety reasons only - i.e. running into the street would be a swat on the behind. Eating a worm (which Jacob did) would not.

And to further ruin your day - two year olds do not really have impulse control either, at least mine didn't. I have heard (don't know if this is true or not) that in some Asian cultures they do not take their kids out to restaurants or any other adult type environment until they are 4, because they do not have tne needed impulse control until then.

One last thing - with Aaron, who was and is very strong willed, I was worried I would "break his spirit" or somehow reign in that strong will too much and make him overly passive instead. I now know there is no way that could ever have happened - lol lol. Instead, I have leared I have to be just a tiny bit stronger willed than he is or else I would be allowing him to run the home.

oh, p.s. No two parents have the exact same style and philosophy. Tori will learn the differences between what is okay with mommy and what is okay with daddy. There are definitely times when the two of you have to come together and agree on what is allowed, what is not, and what appropriate consequences are. Children will learn to play you off of each other and use that to their advantage and they start at a very young age. But again, you pick and choose your battles. Let the small things go they aren't worth worrying about. Save the battles for things that are really important, like running out in the street.

[Granny]

30.

I am going to sound like an old fart. Here goes: parents need to be consistent with the discipline. Children are searching and exploring their environment every waking moment and need to know the boundaries to be safe. Parents need to provide that information in a non-threatening, quiet manner. And surprisingly using a simple phrase over and over again eventually sinks into their little brains and they realize that yes, that will hurt or fall or break. Find a phrase that both of you can use. Ours was: IF you do x, y or z, then such and such will happen. This phrase won't help or seem to help at first but as time goes by it will. In the meantime, distraction really is wonderful. Offer another activity or grab a toy and give it to your child. At this stage children really are easily distracted. For a particularly resistant stubborn child at this age, you may need to physically remove the child to a quiet corner. Place her on the floor and squat down facing her. Tell her in a quiet voice that her behavior is unacceptable; use your phrase and then tell her she will have to sit quietly for 1 minute. It helps to have a clock handy where both of you can see the second hand go around. (Some children need to start out with just 30 seconds--this is a LONG time for children.) Try to eliminate the word NO from your vocabulary when dealing with your child EXCEPT for the most important situations. When you say it all the time for any and all situations the little ones cannot tell the difference between minor and major 'badness'...
I promise you will get through this stage...but it does mean too that you need to be physically close to your child as much as possible; if you cannot be, place her in a playard or play pen please.
These methods are tried and true and they do work. Good luck!

[Amanda]

31.

My son was a lot like that. I remember once going to a friend's house who had a baby the same age. She kept all her cookbooks on a low shelf in her kitchen and of course the minute Alex saw them, he dumped them all onto the floor. I was SO SHOCKED when she told me her daughter had never once done that! I could never keep anything within reach of him unless I wanted to have to pick it up a millions times in a row.

The only thing that works at this age, at least in my experience, is PHYSICAL consequences. I don't mean hitting or castigation of any kind - I mean you have to physically STOP the child from doing the behavior you don't want. They don't listen worth a damn and if you repeat yourself more than once without getting up to stop them, they learn that you don't mean what you say.

I think this is one of the hardest parts about parenting. My kids would be so much easier if they would just DO WHAT I SAY!

[BrooklynGirl]

32.

My son is a lot like Tori and since we live in a teeny-tiny apartment, a lot of childproofing options just didn't apply to us.

At home, our strategy has been to remove anything seriously breakable or move it out of reach (but there are only a handful of out of reach spots and they are all full).

For socializing, I pretty much limit myself to outdoor venues--winter will be a bitch.

Oh, and we just started time outs. And they're sort of working.

[liz]

33.

Baby gates, locks, cord winders.

Then: leave a cupboard available for her. Put tupperware in it. Put non-choking hazards into the tupperware. Close up the lids.

Put together a work bench for her with a small light-weight (and I mean SMALL and LIGHT-WEIGHT!) ball peen hammer and some wood blocks. Glue fine grit sand paper around one of the wood blocks.

Get her some of those lace-up cards.

And for the tasting everything including poop? I'd say just make a big "Yechhh!" noise and a yucky face instead of saying "NO!" and leave "NO!" for the pulling of lamps. Unless she's about to eat glass or poison.

[Sarah]

34.

My sympathies. I remember that. And I remember when I put my daughter in day care at 14 mos (10 hours a week to save my sanity while my husband started night school while working all day) that she did the same thing there. They weren't surprised and they were prepared. They had an utterly childproofed space, that was still engaging and cheerful. I enjoyed her more there, where I didn't have to say No every 2 seconds. It didn't lead to major improvements in my life at home the other zillion hours a week. But I childproofed more and that helped reduce the No's to every 4 seconds :)

[goodsandwich]

35.

And anther thing! :)

I remember at that stage (but it's still true now at almost 3 as well), the little ones just don't have our perception of what is "important" to focus on and what we let pass us by. Story time, for instance: we think that the "important" part is to sit down in the prescribed place, listen to the story, sing the songs, choose a book, check it out at the counter, and go back home.

To Tori, there is no background. Going in the library door? Fascinating! Screws that hold the coathooks up? Let's take those apart! Thousands of books on shelves -- we think we're walking past them to get to the story circle, she's interested in every single book. Every object she sees, every activity she's engaged in, is her destination, her destiny, her life's purpose. We don't pay attention to the librarian's trash because we're used to trash, we're bored of it, we know the rules about trash rummaging. Tori has none of these experiences, is not bored, doesn't give a crap about a rule. Same with the CD player at storytime -- we know it's a means to an end, but to her it is the shiny center of the universe, she must know all about it right NOW! There is no background, nothing yet to take for granted, nothing unworthy of her rapt attention and vigorous exploration. And she's been waiting all those immobile months to be able to get at this stuff!

Of course this also means there is no rest for her parents! :)

But it does pass, little by little. She will eventually build up a databank of experiences sufficient that she does not have to dismantle every screendoor hinge she encounters. It just takes a long time.

I don't know which is harder, losing the nap or that first month of walking.

[Anne]

36.

It gets better. When I gets better I’m not really sure, when they head off to college? But I promise it does get a bit less exhausting at some point after 18 months to 24 months. K started walking at 9 months, just skipped past crawling and didn't do that till he made a year (he was copying the dog). So yeah I've been feeling your pain for a while now, and it truly does get better. LOTS of "off limits", "one finger" (you can touch that but only with one finger = gentle), "when x then x" stuff (when we change your diaper then you can go outside), redirecting, redirecting, redirecting, distracting, praising/acknowledging the behavior I do like, letting him eat one piece of dog food, letting him have a cupboard he can get into, packing away most of our stuff, and INSISTING on "parking lot rules" (holding hands), and going down the stairs "the right way" (crawling on your tummy. and when the rules get broken he gets picked up and removed from the fun stuff and told why as simply as possible.) I tell you I'm still exhausted from all of that but it gets better, they get older, info FINALLY sinks in, and one day they figure out if I do X Mom will do Z and I don't like that so I’ll do something different.
BTW not much of this is TM Anne, I’ve gotten TONS of great advice and tips off of Ask Moxie.
As far as the Flickr Google issue goes, have you done your DNA? Go and look at my profile you’ll see a DNA link there and you should be able to use it to check yours .

[Celeste]

37.

I think it means she's smart.

Some little kids are inborn with boundaries and others aren't.

The daycare answer for this is a totally childproofed room with freedom to have at it. Not really the answer for going to others' homes.

What worked (somewhat) for us was an article I read on talking to kids like they're little caveman babies. So the generic "no" becomes "no touch!", "no open", "no climb on", etc. Some kids really need more specific guidance. Then when she's a little older, you can get into little reminders of "we don't touch that", which will invite repetition or "no, we don't".

Most kids really do want to please their parents, but some are really helped by us spelling it out.

I also favor redirection from a negative, to something positive that they ARE allowed to do. Distraction is pretty much a skill I would save for meltdowns.

Content yourself with the knowledge that this behavior indicates lots of good health in her. I would ::rolleyes:: when people used to say that to me, but time has shown me it's so true. Maybe that's a very Pollyanna way of thinking to many, but it works for me and maybe it will get you through a little of the more arduous parts.

[rubenesque writer]

38.

Cec...I was falling over laughing at your post. Not to worry, though, I wasn't laughing at you or even with you. I was laughing because my son (now 7) did each and every thing that you described Tori doing. His curiosity was insatiable. I spent many days during his toddlerhood crying on my back porch when my husband finally returned home from work. I know it's probably not much comfort to you right now, but it will pass. My son is now an extremely bright first grader with a thirst for reading, writing, math, etc. He has an extremely long attention span, loves puzzles and legos and doing things his own way. He's a master negotiator. And as difficult as his early days were, I wouldn't trade him for a placid kid any day. Hang in there, you're doing a fabulous job!

[wookie]

39.

I don't have time to read the whole thing today, but I stopped in because I was thinking of you.

Focus on the things that are actually dangerous. Choking hazards. Shock hazards. Drowning hazards. Stuff that would require surgery if she swallows it (lightbrite pegs, okay, finsihing nails, not so much). Dog food is not so bad, a dogs bowl of water has the potential to be dangerous if you can't see her in it. I'm okay with a kid eating dirt, I'm not okay with them eating poop.

We did well with the redirect/"That's not YOURS" line. "That's not your soother! Where is YOUR soother? That's not your reciprocating saw blade, that's mommy's. Where's your penguin?" It was exhausting, but it worked pretty well for us. half the things she wanted to play with weren't so much dangerous as they were ...not hers.

[kheatherg]

40.

I believe, out of my 4 children, that my youngest child, the only boy is the most defiant child on this earth.

But he's 4 years old now, so i've made it past those younger toddler years.

And i count my blessings i lived through it.

Good luck! I have no advice, because even after making it through those years with his sisters, i'm still not sure how i made it through with him.

[Val]

41.

Hmmm. I don't have any kids so no help from me! My precious nephew, who just returned safely from Iraq two weeks ago, loved to (1) remove and replace the safety plugs out of the outlets (2) turn on and off light switches and (3) dial the telephone when he was Tori's age. All I can say is - he's alive and well and luckily there were no long distance charges to China. (It was really scary - when it got "too quiet" we'd go looking behind the living room chairs for Josh (the favorite outlets were behind the chairs!).

[Kendra]

42.

Two books that were very helpful for me during this phase were The First Three Years by Burton White and Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim & Charles Fay. Good luck!

[Maura]

43.

Hey, Cec --

Was there a recent diary on DailyKos that mentioned your experience? If so, could you please post the link here in comments? I'd love to read it.

[Aurelia]

44.

Yeah, I'd love to read it to.

[Elizabeth]

45.

Have FUN with Tori while she is into everything. In my cheesy ideas, it's such a wicked opportunity to teach her new things;) like that sticks are yummy - just kidding. It sounds like Tori is growing up really well, keep on enjoying her!

[Kristin]

46.

"...she should be in playpen," observed a commenter above.

Does anybody even MAKE playpens anymore? If there were a safe one out there, I might have gone for it. Sure, you can get a pack 'n' play, but they're way smaller than what used to be known as a playpen - the thing my sisters and I all played in when we were little. I don't think the rails are as padded as the rails on the old playpens used to be, either. I gather there were safety issues (when the sides were dropped, kiddies getting stuck in the webbing and such), but I still have to wonder if there couldn't be some way around that if design were improved. It seems to me that the car seat has become what the playpen used to be: a place to put the baby safely so you can eat, shower, pee, and so on. The problem is...that only works when the baby is teeny tiny. There also used to be infant seats: not swings, not bouncies - just seats, with little safety straps, and an adjustable bar for propping the seat at different angles. My mother swore by it with us, and I can still remember my youngest sister sitting in it, watching my mother in the kitchen, being talked to while life was going on around her, having a grand old time. Most days, that was how she (mom, not the baby) got a shower: the seat came into the bathroom with her. But I don't remember it being as restrictive as a car seat, because it didn't need to be. And then there was the playpen for letting us roll around. At some point, when the Boy was tiny, my mother and I groused together about how you can't find a playpen: "How is a mom supposed to PEE?"

Sigh.

[kathleen999]

47.

Zack was like that too. Everything belonged to him, all things were for him to climb, etc. All I can say is baby gate everything you don't want her to get into or climb up. Because it is exhausting to run after them and say no all day. And then divert when they get upset. At Tori's age they are usually easy to distract.

The only thing I can say on the positive side is that Zack is now the easy one. He listens to me, stops when I tell him to stop, and I can explain things to him. So she is difficult now, but maybe in a year she will be a lot easier than other 2 year olds. in the mean time, put things away and gate wherever you can.

[Adina]

48.

As a mother of two children (4.5 and 1.5) I have had the joys of mobility x 2. I found that by removing all temptation from reach worked best for us. I did keep some "Mommy No-Touches" on a living room table and when my children show interest in them I explain that they are "Mommy's" and that they must ask permission to touch. After making such an effort to get to touch them, both children lost interest after a while and ignore them now - the benefit is that when we go to my in-laws or another house I simply have to say "Mommy's no touches" and they are pretty good about leaving it alone, or at least asking permission to touch.

Although we all that know works for one, may not work for another - but I agree with everyone else, it to shall pass! And, even better news - each milestone comes with different challenges...my children teach me way more than I ever teach them!

[Lesley]

49.

I call that age the "Lurching Age." Not because the kids lurch but b/c the parents spend most of their time in the child's presence lurching after them.

It's NOT a relaxing age, but I think the experience is pretty universal. Look around at the other 12--24 month parents. Lurching I tell you!

[Jennifer]

50.

My son is totally the same way. We've been dealing with it since he started walking at 10months. (he just turned 2) It got increasingly worse. I know some people believe the house is as much your kids as it is yours and you should let them roam free but for his own safety, I HAVE to restrict where he can go. It ends up restricting EVERYONE, but I've sort of accepted this as the way life is for now. There are a few rooms that I've childproofed to the best of my ability - there are other rooms that simply can not be child proofed enough to allow my son in. He gets into stuff WAY too much. Those rooms are locked off with gates or locks on the doors (we even had to go through a variety of gate types as his wall/gate-scaling ability increased). (Oh did I mention he can now bypass childproof locks, etc. - the only lock he can't bypass is one that requires a key!!! He also climbs out of cribs and playpens. One of his (many) nicknames is Houdini.) And all this is fine and dandy AS LONG AS WE DON"T LEAVE THE HOUSE! As soon as we go somewhere - it's a nightmare. We stayed with my parents for about two weeks and I was close to tears every day! Our plan is now to not travel for maybe another year or so until he's closer to 3 (and hopefully easier to manage). I joke that it's not my son that has the problem - it's the world! LOL! As long as I can control the environment he's in - we're ok. But once that changes, it's all over.

[Anne]

51.

I would never advocate hitting or spanking a kid, but have you tried holding her for about 30 seconds after telling her no and removing her from whatever it was you didn't want her to have? This is like a "time out" for kids too young to do regular time out.

Just some assvice...sorry if it doesn't work for you.

Good luck!

[Celeste]

52.

Can I just say, I think the burden is a little greater on you two because you're home with her 24/7? Not many people can be perfectly consistent in anything without a break.

I will also add that I decided early on to take some of the forbidden fruit aspect out of drawers and cupboards. I removed things I didn't want her touching and put clasps on the rest. I figured she would either entertain herself with harmless finds or decide quickly that it was boring in there. We had some of both. She still loves to get into the plastic spatulas drawer which I think is just cute. It means more picking up after her, but sometimes it's worth it. JMHO.

[Colleen]

53.

My oldest was like this so I have a lot of sympathy. When I was pregnant, I remember having an ultrasound at 12 weeks where the technician had trouble getting a picture and said "that is one active little human being." It kind of went downhill from there. He walked at nine months and destroyed everything in his path. I totally understand how hard it is to keep a kid like this safe and to keep your house in one piece. I got such a kick out of people who would say "my but he's busy" - like I hadn't noticed. Here is one thing I learned that helped, though. Kids that young cannot understand the concept of not doing something - so saying "don't" is an exercise in frustration. I found that if I told my son what he should do, it really helped. For example, if I took him in the ladies room with me, instead of saying "don't touch the toilet!" I would say "put your hands on top of your head" or something like that. It got me through. He is now seventeen and I can tell you that you will live through this, but I know it doesn't feel like it at the time.

[Amnesia]

54.

I think Tori is more like other kids than most parents have led you to believe. Both of my 2 1/2 year old boys are constantly pushing the limits. Our solution? We use LOTS of baby gates. We have minimal furniture in the rooms they have regular access to...and they get hurt a lot. I think it is part of being a kid - she is happy and learning...so that is good right?

[Nopenname]

55.

Let me assure you that when I am nodding my head in agreement I'm doing so because I am this close to packing my youngest up in a box and sending her to siberia where she can willfully disobey someone there and play in, tear up, jump off of, and destroy everything not bolted down or padlocked shut.

I seriously, just taped shut the bead drawer in our little craft caddy with painters tape because I could not STAND it ANYMORE.

[Abigail]

56.

Ugh. I meant to comment yesterday, but I was too busy wrangling a toddler. Things he did yesterday:

-Drew with a ball point pen on his daddy's beautiful 23" Imac. On the screen.

-Put his mouth on the toilet seat.

-Dumped all my dish towels on the dirty kitchen floor.

-Spilled the dog's water. He does that pretty much every day.

The only good part is that he didn't walk until 18 months so I've only been dealing with this for a year. However, it feels like ten years.

I've just come to accept that outside of a few limited places we have to watch him like a hawk wherever we are. It sucks, not going places, but I figure it is less stressful for all of us that way. He started preschool this month and while the adjustment is difficult I think he really needed more stimulation than he was getting at home hearing "no no no" all the time.

Hang in there sister.

[Maryann]

57.

If it makes you feel any better... my 2-1/2 year old, fitting much the same description as Tori, decided a few days ago that it would be interesting to grab a handful of sand and pop it in her mouth. Two days later she had a huge, swollen area in her gums and we had to go to the dentist and get the area flushed out. She's still on antibiotics. "That's why we don't eat sand, honey". And she says, "Oh-Tay, Mommy". How can you not just melt at such cuteness??

Hang in there,
Maryann

P.S. We have gates. Lots of them.

[Shandra]

58.

My son was/is still totally like this. Not only that but he was a climber before he could walk - and pushed a chair over to the front door to undo the deadbolt about 3 months after he started walking (he'd mastered doorknobs).

We really believe that it is his job to explore and that it is NOT a discipline issue. There are plenty of things in the world that we have to say no about and practice discipline around... he gets lots of practice.

So, we "proofed." We packed up a lot of stuff, eliminated lamps, and so on. We put furniture in weird places to block wires. We put anything that was safe down where he could explore it and just dealt/deal with the annoyance factor (yes, he had to take all the pots and tupperware out of the cupboard, no, none of them were life threatening).

Then there were the few things we could not move. Like the stove. He would climb on top of. And that's where we picked our battles. I remember one day that he climbed the oven door handle onto the stove 31 times (despite relocating to other rooms, we eventually would have to have... a meal, for example). Sadly he did actually fall (the childproof lock broke and the oven door swung door) and it was terrifying and he was ok and he never has climbed that @#$@# oven since. Thank god. Better that than a burn.

Anyways, just keep her alive and the discipline will work out. :)

[gkk]

59.

I have a gorgeous friend who had 3 of the most perfect boys you could ever meet (all IVF by the way). She is a wonderfully calm, nurturing mother but occasionally I would want to throw something at her when she visited and tut tutted at my gates. I had gates EVERYWHERE, we used to call my house the "gated community". This friend would always say, well MY boys just don't touch / climb / whatever. Then she had boy number 4. A week after he started moving everything in place was bolted down and she was calling me crying asking me what to do. By that stage my girls were older so I just explained that MY children have been taught not to touch!!! She will outgrow it, I promise and would you really want a child who wasn't interested in everything around her anyway?

[Ali]

60.

New Mom that I am, I'm already pissed off at evolution. How is it that we weren't born with 20 arms and 10 sets of eyes????

[Kira]

61.

I don't know if this is comforting or not...but yeah. I always found that my life was freaking HELL once my baby turned one. Ok, not hell exactly. Difficult. Endless, with the rescues and the intervening and the standing outside the group, fishing things out of my child's mouth, wondering what everyone else was talking about. It's a wearying age. Gimme the two year old flurries of feelings any day.
I guess if I have any comfort to offer, it's that you're not alone, and this time will pass. Hang in there.

[Elizabeth]

62.

It may not seem like there are a lot of other kids as "into everything" as Tori, but I go to library storytime every week, and it seems the *majority* of 16-18 month olds who are there are more or less, um...uncontainable! I called it the "wind-up toy stage". Put kid down and it's as if you have just wound them up...they just go, go, go in seemingly random directions, picking up crap as they go. My daughter used to love picking up lint on the floor. She also liked to THROW things and DUMP things. I was worried that she wasn't talking much and expressed this worry to my friend, who said, and I quote: "well, she may not be the most talkative kid her age...but she's certainly the most destructive!" Yeah, thanks.
Anyway, I think all you can do at this stage (which PASSES - it really does) is chase after them and go with the flow, and not compare to other kids. You may be seeing other kids at a rare lull. I know that many people seemed to think my daughter was a remarkably calm and well-behaved kid simply b/c they had happened only to see her while she was calm and well-behaved...they might have had a very different impression just 20 minutes earlier! Think of Tori as a little scientist, like that book...what is it, the Scientist in the Crib? Anyway, the world is her lab. She sounds delightful and 100% normal! But, I'm sure, exhausting!! I'd be worried about a 16-mo who *wasn't* exhausting her parents, quite frankly. :)
It's all about redirection at this age...redirect redirect redirect, but talk to them as if they can understand (just don't expect them to). Slowly it changes and one day you realize that you are having conversations w/ your kid that really (sort of, sometimes) affect their behavior! But...impulse control...erm...is a long time coming...so it's a long haul.

[Amy]

63.

Sending empathy your way. I took the lazy route... no hand slapping or time outs. Half the time I didn't even bother to "redirect" my kids. I just let them pull the CDs off the shelf, put the lamps up too high for them to reach them, and embraced the rule that a toddler can safely fall from twice their height without getting hurt (can't recall where I read that one). The end result? Well, they both have a seriously high tolerance for mess (their room is a true disgrace) but as 7 and 5 yr olds go, they are happy, well-adjusted children who now only pull their own things off shelves and basically leave my CDs and lamps alone. ;)

[guesswhosister]

64.

after reading about your thoughts on the first birthday and the ones posted here today I was wondering do you kiss your children with that filthy mouth and I hope you can clean up your mouth before your child start to emulate you. I know you won't like this post and might not even allow it.. but truely think about it and I hope you can change for your childs sake.