Manners

I think I know, now, why I can't get paid to blog. It's because I'm not making myself understood, and regardless of what that pesky Saint Francis prayer says, it's really more important to be understood than understand. Right?

Heh.

To make myself clear, I wasn't mad at the binky woman. I was confounded by her response, and her unwillingness to let me help her by washing the binky off. Having spent only a little time around moms I don't know well, I wasn't really sure if my behavior was what was expected and appropriate (after all, the last big gathering I went to with a lot of kids was at a fellow blogger's and there was much stealing among the kids of sippy cups, and no one minded). Her reaction--meaning not giving the binky back to her kid--made sense. I'm the only freak around who is totally pro-bacteria, and that's only because I feel certain that the current anti-bacterial craze is going to lead to most of humanity dying off in the future from the common cold.

But I digress.

Someone mentioned that perhaps my tattoos intimidated the woman, but no. I carefully wore a t-shirt that covers my arms up so that I won't have to jump that hurdle at our first story hour. In unknown groups, I always opt for the tattoo reveal to be later rather than sooner (ever since someone referred to me and Charlie as "bikers with that big pit bull" I've been cautious).

I realize, in the scheme of things, that this incident wasn't at all a big deal. I mean, today I met a woman who's daughter-in-law just delivered a stillborn daughter at 35 weeks. That's big stuff, and it's horrible and sad and tragic and critical. My failed bonding with a stranger that lives in my small 'burb pales in comparison.

The reason the incident struck me, however, is because I've been thinking a great deal about manners--about teaching manners to Tori.

If I can give Tori four things in life, I want them to be intellectual curiosity, a love of reading, trust in her mind and body, and manners. I want Tori to say "please" and "thank you" and to not interrupt adults unless it's an emergency. The importance of manners in children came through to me big time this summer at our pool club--which was full of manner-less, toy-stealing, bullying children (one kid actually stole a toy out of Tori's hand and then told me it was his, the little jerk). Our local magazine even has a huge cover story on "How well-meaning Philadelphians are screwing up their kids," so I'm not the only one that has this stuff on my mind.

Focusing on this issue has made me review MY manners. Which suck ass. I often ask things of Charlie without saying please or thank you. I yell at the dog to get out of my way without being kind to him and I toss the cats unceremoniously off the table without an explanation or gentleness.

And I see Tori's big blue eyes watching, watching, watching. So, lately, I've been much more aware of my behavior and I've really made a concerted effort to be pleasant, kind, and respectful of everyone--including that damn cat that thinks she can be on the dining room table. I want Tori to have empathy, and to be kind, and to realize that she broke that little boy's heart a teeny bit (only in the moment, of course) when she stole his binky. He cried because of what she did, and what she did was rude.

I know she's too young yet to have anything resembling impulse control, but I still know that I have to change how I behave if I'm going to effect her behavior.

So while it wasn't a big deal, I just wanted reassurance from you guys that I wasn't out of line, because I'm still learning here. And while it may be a small thing, it fits into the bigger picture. Now do you see what I mean?

Comments

[Jo-Ann]

dude I am with you. I have wild boys but I strive for polite wild guys.

Because of all the please and thank you in the house one of A's first words was dank dou.

[Jan]

I got what you meant the first time, but then nobody's leaping to pay me to blog, either, so ... :)

Give Tori Anne a little time and if she's anything like my girl, she'll, er, 'help' you with your manners.

Seriously, she's 3 and I get at least one talking to a day.

"Mommy, it isn't nice to say 'bad' -- why do you say the weather is bad?"

"That hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way. Please don't use that tone of voice."

"We stay in the bathroom while we brush our teeth, Mommy."

[while shaking her head 'no']: "Are cereal bowls for drinking milk out of?"

Cute, and yet I have a hunch she's about right on most of them!

[Anna]

Yeah, we realize that too. Teaching by example really sinks in. Manners aren't the kind of thing you can teach as do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do kinda thing. Which will be an uphill battle because while I have excellent manners (beaten into me by my parents, HA HA!), my ILs' suck royally.

I'm pro-germ, too. Build those little immune systems!

[Gwen]

Gah! The teaching by example gets me every time, especially when I hear my tone repeated back to me by my seven year old. I have some work to do.

I love the 4 things you want to teach Tori.

And I don't know why you don't get paid to blog, either, btw. But then there's a lot about blog politics that escapes me.

[Emma]

Hi there,

Regarding babes and germs and whiping off suckies. There are many reasons why some are germ-aphobic and it can go beyond paranoia. My daughter, for instance had a bone marrow transplant at 5 months old. Her immune system was whiped out for a good while, and the new one was by no means capable of fighting off many common bacteria, fungus and virus that many kids can. Back then something that might give your daughter a sniffle might land mine on a ventilator.

At one year old her hair had grown back, and she was just a small cute baby no one would know in public situations...
Had that been me in your story I would too have declined a washed binky because it would have to be boiled. :-)
So who knows? Not excusing rude ness but knowing how cloudy and afraid I was during that time, reminds me that often rude behavior of strangersmay have nothing to do with me, but rather a burden they are dealing with.

[Melissa Garrett]

You couldn't have been more IN line, as far as I am concerned. Maybe that lady was just having an off day. Perhaps she had a good reason, but she didn't have to be rude. Me? I've never been much of a germaphone, unless I see someone not washing her hands after going pee and touching a toilet (that's just plain disgusting). But I have been known to let my toddler daughter pluck innocent grapes from the trash and eat them (in my defense, the grapes were on TOP of a piece of paper and not touching anything nasty). Hell, I used to pick up my kids' pacifiers off the market floor and either "wash" them in my own saliva or wipe them on my jeans.

Regarding manners ~ I think it's a struggle for most of us, and I admire you for being so proactive.

[Terry]

You hit it right on the head with the "analyzing your own behavior/manners" because you want to teach Tori good manners/behavior -- it really is the only way kids learn how to behave.

Having said that, after 20 years of parenting 5 kids, I am still evolving in that department. Like you, I still find myself displaying sucky behavior in front of my kids even though I know better. Maybe by the time I have grandchildren I'll have "arrived." (Not likely, though).

Just the fact that you're so aware of the kind of parent you want to be, and what you want/need to do to get there states volumes about what a good mom you are. So many parents today don't even think about parenting the way you do -- which is why there are so many articles in magazines/newspapers like the one you linked to.

For what it's worth, your behavior with binky woman was above-and-beyond fine, and she was probably stressed about life in general, kids fussing in public in particular & (I'm guessing, giving her the benefit of the doubt because I like to cut moms slack, especially moms with super-young kids) had no ill-thoughts toward you specifically. I just remember being in public with more than 1 kid (baby/toddlers)& EVERYTHING about it was always somewhat tense & nerve-wracking, no matter WHAT might be going on, or if everything was going according to plan or not.

[spacemom]

To be honest, I don't think either of you were out of line.

You were trying to compensate for what Tori did to her son. This woman probably felt that she didn't want you to go out of your way to help her son.

We live on the eat dirt theory, if you eat dirt, and live, good for you!

But not everyone. One day, at temple, Luna's bottle dripped. The woman next to me went into freak out mode. She moved her son, moved her husband to guard him from getting near the drip (and it was two drops, I swear). I was really upset, but I went and cleaned it up and as I was approaching the woman to apologize, it hit me. Her son was allergic to milk.

I apologized and she was very very apologetic too. She explained the milk allergy (which I had JUST figured out) and we introduced ourselves and never spoke again!

So, as others are saying, there are reasons to be uber germphobic.

I didn't think her actions were rude, as you described them. I think she was just embarrassed by your willingness to help.

[BrooklynGirl]

Ditto what spacemom said. When I'm having a bad parenting moment, I often need to be left alone to sort things out for myself.

[Whitney]

Yes, Tori is too young right now to have impulse control, but if you start demonstrating good manners to her now, she will learn by example. I don't think there is any such thing as "too young" to start learning basic manners. That's my biggest pet peeve--unmannered, undisciplined children! I love that you are starting so early teaching Tori manners.....she'll be so far ahead of other kids her age :)

[CTG]

yeah...the manners thing. It makes me NUTS to have to say "please" and "thank you" to every.little.thing...including trying to get the crazy cat to move out of my way while I'm carrying something heavy or hot or whatever. However, it has totally paid off. While Lobster and Marvey are not even close to perfect in their manners, they tend to say please and thank you unprompted. Now we're working on 'you're welcome' instead of 'uh huh.' But beyond the please and thank yous, we're trying to teach them to be respectful of others. To pay attention to what's going on around them and react appropriately (like holding the door open for someone with their hands full). It has made me REALLY conscious of how inconsiderate some people are though and it makes me sorta sad. Manners is far beyond saying please and thank you.

[A Whole Lot of Nothing]

To start, I love your tattoos. I wish I had the bravery to get more and flaunt them.
I try my hardest to teach my children by example, but many times I find myself following the rule of "do as I say, not as I do." As they grow older (only 3 & 1 now), I have to make a concerted effort to show everyone, including them, manners.
Don't let other women make you feel less than you are. You are strong!

[BRash]

I am TOTALLY pro-bacteria too! And I just can't seem to convince anyone (namely my grandmother and mother) that my baby boy sucking on the shopping cart is a GOOD thing. In the pandemic - he's got a fighting chance!

Also, manners. Very important. I've got a boy, so I've got to teach him to stand up when an elder walks into the room and give his seat to people on the train - in a world where NO ONE does that anymore.

[Amy]

I absolutely, completely and absolutely understand where you're coming from. I have a strong suspicion that there are loads of mothers out there who are petrified about being perceived as not caring about their children because they didn't/don't:
* breast feed
* use cloth diapers
* feed home cooked, organically grown food
* Wash, rinse and wipe after and before all contact with strangers
* Know every first and anticipate them so well that they're on camera etc

Don't get me wrong, I envy all the woman who get any of these things (let alone ALL of them) right even some of the time because god knows I am too busy trying to keep shit together to tick all those boxes. BUT, tied up in this perfect facade must be a serious amount of stress and anxiety and perhaps that was hers. Maybe next time, once she has seen you motre than once and before Tory can pull her magpie stunt again - you could say hi and introduce yourself as the mother of the first little girl to break her sons heart? I'd bet she is just dying for someone to smile and let her know that if she'd given him the binky straight after you wouldn't have been at all put off.

Of course you risk that she is freakishly organised and bug-a-phobic and you get kicked out of the play group, but hell Tory'd be better off away from it if thats the case.

You're a great mum and don't let anyone else make you doubt that!

All of us become more aware of our shortcomings as our kids become more observant and that in itself is just as important a lesson to them.

Amy

[Celeste]

Look, you tried to atone for the transgression, and she wouldn't accept it. It says more about her than it does about you.

I think you know a lot about manners and once Tori gets a little older and she does things you don't like, you'll correct her as needed.

I highly recommend a fast read of a book called "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee". It has a lot in there about not copping out of doing what you need to do to raise a child who will be a good adult.

[Toni]

As with your last post, I feel like I could go on and on and on about this. Raising 3 boys, manners are on my mind, too. First, I had to learn to put away my "fucks," "motherfucks," "goddamnits," and "assholes" around the boys, because they don't just watch, they listen. Not hinting at or preaching to you at all, just sharing how I learned the hard way about modeling is so much stronger than lecturing (my 2-year-old would drop a toy in preschool and yell "somBITCH!" but thankfully nobody could understand what he was saying. And one day our oldest called his father an "asshole!" I'll never forget the look Dan shot me, LOL!

I want my boys (ages 3, 5, and 8) to know to remove their hats when indoors. I want them to say please and thank you (and mostly they do). Just this morning, my 8-year-old held the door open for fellow students at school. I was so damned--uh, darned--proud.

The thing is, I believe in understanding and knowing the rules before you break them. That way, they can go and get tattoos and rock out and do their own thing or whatever, but still know to put a napkin in their lap and dress and act appropriately in a job interview or business deal. Knowing how to be real while also knowing how to turn some of it off when interacting socially gives them more power and grace in the world. At least that's how I'm choosing to view it.

[Monica]

My son started yelling "go away" and "get away from me" at us whenever we were near him. I couldn't figure out where he was hearing that language until my dog started annoying me and I loudly screamed "go away" and "get away from me." It was a humbling moment. It's something I need to work on - a fact that I finally clearly understand after hearing how it sounds coming out of a toddler's mouth. I will keep working on it, as I'm sure you will and our children will grow up to be kind and caring and imperfect people - just like us.

[suzanne]

Hope you do not mind me hijacking your blog,Cecily..
To Emma:
I checked out Daisy's site...what a long and hard trip you have been on...and what a precious little flower you have in Daisy.
Many blessings to you and your family, especially Daisy....

[kheatherg]

Hell, i didnt even comment on that last post. I read the pacifier (We called it a paddy) story and thought...good gawd, sounds like that lady had a stick in her ass.

I must lack in manners. LOL

Oh, and when all our kids ate dirt, we used to say, "God made dirt, dirt dont hurt!"

I mean really, I survived....

[queleanorirk]

I think you did exactly the right thing, across the board. You were aware of what Tori was doing without being insanely on top of her, which is no good either. You explained to Tori that it was wrong, apologized, and offered to help. What more could anyone do? In any case, if Tori's stealing a pacifier is the worst thing that a child ever does to the other woman's child, well, he will have led a charmed life. When my oldest girl was three, a boy of the same age came up to her and punched her, hard, square in the face. His mother said/did nothing about it. I was so gobsmacked; I just sat there waiting for I don't know what. An apology? An acknowledgment? Nothing. I have found that many parents don't see what their own little darlings do. I got to the point where, by the time I got to my third child, I would say something to the agressor--kindly, politely, "please don't hit my child; it's wrong to do that"--if the other parent didn't. And they frequently don't. But they get riled if you do!

[Michele Lane]

isnt it great how seeing our behavior through the eyes of our kids makes us better people? I for one am a changed person.

"ohhhh mommy said SHUT UP" is a common phrase around here.

[mary]

I think the other mom must not have her kid around other toddlers much. Try not to worry about it too much -- I would have done the same thing you did.

I also want Lily (14 mos) to be respectful of others. At our playgroup, she regularly steals other kids sippy cups, toys, etc. Whenever it happens, I tell her "that's not your (whatever), we need to give it back to (whoever)" and then I gently remove it from her hand and give it back. Hopefully she will remember some of those lessons as she hits two...we'll see!

I am one of those who actually apologizes to my dog and cat if I move them out of the way, which my SIL finds very humorous.

[juliag]

hmmm...it's true...your posts aren't entirely clear ;)

if the binky thing wasn't such a big deal and you really just want tori to have good manners, then why write off the whole story book time? learn to model good behavior for tori, as you say. avoiding such things doesn't fix anything, you know? it sounds like you handled it appropriately at the time and you need to feel confident about that and move on. for whatever reason, this particular woman at this particular group activity, wasn't able to move on after your apology...and that's okay. sometimes people are cranky...no?

[AmyinMotown]

Manners are HUGE with me, as is just plain niceness. It makes me really angry when I see other parents or teachers letting their kids be jerks to other kids. Today a little kid tried to push Maggie off the climby thing at school and the teacher did not say a WORD ( did!).

And I just hate little brats whose parents don't teach them to simply say please and thank you. Even before she could talk we'd ask her to sign it if, say, someone gave her a balloon at Trader Joe's or whatever. And I would thank them myself.
My inlaws have horrible manners--I am honestly wondering what my MIL taught them, if anything, in terms of even simply not acting like a caveman when eating. I've had to teach my husband not to reach across the table to get things, not to talk with his mouth full, not to hunch over with his elbows on the table, and so forth. I mean I don't kow the proper way to eat soup, for example (except not to slurp it) but how do you NOT teach your kids any of that? GAH. I don't expect Emily Post propriety from a two year old but for heavenn's sake say "please" and "thank you," you know? Make people glad they did a nice thing.

[Natalee]

I love it that you want to make sure that Tori has manners. So many children nowadays don't, and it aggrivates me to no end! It was drilled into my brother and I to be polite, and yet, I'm so glad that my parents were so hard on us about this issue. Even as adults, people remark about how polite we are, and in my line of work (receptionist), manners are a MUST. Whenever my nephew uses manners, I always tell him either "Thank you for using your manners.", or "I'm proud of you for using your manners." This way, he understands that using manners is a positive thing, and not just a necessary chore.