One Tiny Battle in the Mommy Wars

Most people, when they talk about the "mommy wars" are discussing the endless debate about whether or not it's better to be a stay-at-home mom or a work-outside-the-home mom. There's the shaming of "oh my god, you've "opted out" and are now bringing down all women everywhere." Then there is the lengthy discussion about "who makes a good mother." Then there are the "but I thought being a mom was an important job but now everyone thinks I'm boring" articles.

But I don't want to talk about any of THOSE aspects of the "mommy wars". I want to talk about the dynamics of the story hour.*

Since I wrote about my first story hour experience, I have gone to five story hours at four different libraries. Why so many? Well, I'm lucky enough to live in a large urban area and have probably a dozen libraries or more within ten miles of my house. Also, because I know Tori needs to spend more time around other kids and this is a great way to do it, and I want Tori to value libraries the way I do. But the real reason is because hardly anyone speaks to me at any of them, and I keep hoping I'm going to find the perfect fit.

Here are the stats and a brief accounting of each library:

Library 1

Located in the center of my inner-ring very old suburb, this one had the smallest attendance with only about ten parents and kids. While my town is demographically about 50% African American and 50% Caucasian (with a smattering of other races), two thirds of the children and parents present were white. Mostly moms present, but there was one dad. The story "hour" consisted of three books and three songs, with books and songs alternating, and a lovely and engaged story time coordinator. The parents all sat with their kids in a circle and participated in the activities (singing, clapping, mooing, etc). After story time, everyone hung around and the kids all played with the library-provided toys and books. This was my most friendly experience; almost every mother chatted with me a bit, although during play time the group split clearly along racial lines with the African-American moms going off to their own corner. Tori was mostly well behaved, not hitting or grabbing too much (with the major exception, of course, being the binky stealing episode).

Library 2

Located the next town over, another old inner-ring suburb, but one significantly more well-to-do than mine, and much less racially diverse (in fact, most folks in this town are white Catholics). This story hour happens to be at my library of choice (featuring the best book selection for adults, and cool trans-gendered librarians). This story hour was huge-- 32 kids and moms--and everyone was white, white, white. Here we were all shuttled off into special room for story hour, and the format was again three stories and songs alternating and the reader was enthusiastic and engaging. All the mothers eagerly participated, singing along and clapping, etc. The only mother that spoke to me at any length was also there for the first time, and a bit worried because she'd brought her three-year-old daughter to the "infant" story time and was afraid it would upset people. All other mothers ignored me completely, even when I spoke to them directly (all I got was faint smiles). Tori was very good and danced and sang and clapped and didn't steal any toys or binkys.

Library 3

Located two towns over, in an outer-ring suburb where all the big chain stores live, this one is in a solidly middle-class neighborhood. The format again included books and songs, but also included some counting games and other things, and was also in a separate room from the main children's section. About 25 kids and moms (and the same one dad that came to Library 1) were there and the group was almost all white but with two Indian moms and kids. This library offers two story hours, one at 10am and another at 11am, nearly every day of the week and has two librarians (additional bonus--a playground right next door). Who spoke to me? The two Indian women, and another mom with a ten-month-old daughter (her baby was wearing a black t-shirt--the only time I've seen a girl at these story hours not wearing pink or flowers or frills--and that includes Tori). Everyone else said "Thank you" to my complements about their kids and promptly turned away from me. Tori was well behaved and roamed the room at will, and I will say that every mom she stopped by included her in their singing and gave her big smiles.

Library 4

Located in West Philadelphia, near two major universities and the home base for the local anarchist movement, I thought that HERE was where I'd find my people. West Philly is pretty much like the United Nations; you name a country, and someone from there lives in West Philly. At this group the format included books, songs, and a craft (making play dough pizzas), but the librarian was very nervous and didn't let all the kids see the books while she read them, and she read too fast. None of the parents sang along to the music, so neither did the kids, adding to the librarian's anxiety. While there were only a dozen kids and parents there, this was by far the most ethnically diverse group--Tori was one of only three Caucasian kids and the crowd included at least four different languages being spoken. While everyone spoke to me, only one mom chatted with me at length and then the group split along racial lines again (there was another lone dad there, but he didn't even make eye contact). Tori was more tired and hungry this time and she had a hard time sitting still; she stole the librarian's puppet, tried to knock over the CD player, and ran out of the room three times. But because this library doesn't have a regular story hour, most of us were there for the first time.

...

So it seems that no matter what I do, I cannot crack the code and get these other moms to chat with me. I've included a lot of information above, but I really want to make it clear that I'm not basing my impressions on just one library, or just one town, or even one demographic or type of neighborhood. At each library I've wandered around the room, following Tori, and I've tried to say something chatty but mild to each mother I've met (like, "your daughter is beautiful!" or "I just love that dress on her"). The only folks that spoke to me long enough for introductions were at Library 1 (although today at Library 4 I thought I recognized someone, and we introduced ourselves). At each one I've kept my tattoos demurely covered, and I've arrived clean and unstained. But still, no luck in making new mom friends.

I have no doubt that Tori is benefiting from all these story times. She has a great time, and we're getting her lots of kid exposure. But I have not felt this ostracized by other women since I was in middle school. I realized that this was bothering me when I began contemplating going shopping for clothes for the first time since I left an outside-the-home job. I need to get some new clothes for cooler weather, and without even realizing it, I started looking online at outfits I've seen the other moms wearing at story hour--meaning, t-shirts covered with light hoodies and matching track pants.

Because I have noticed a uniform, and it's not just the clothes or the moms. The women all look very similar; hair is usually in a ponytail, and they all wear mascara but not lipstick. The little boys are all dressed in casual but rugged clothes, but the girls are always very girlie and almost ALL have something in their hair; barrettes or ponytails or ribbons or bows.

I do realize that this could change; after all, I have only gone to one place twice (tomorrow will be my third time at Library 2) and it could take a while for folks to become chatty. But the one factor that is present at each story hour is ME.

Sigh.

I know I intimidate people (this is a chronic problem for those of us with strong personalities) so it could be that. I have been the only "fat" mom at each library (although I'm sure some of those moms would claim they were fat, they weren't). I've been the only tattooed mom, and often the only one with just one child, and sometimes the only one without a ring (I get a rash under my wedding ring if I wear it all the time, and these days it's off more than it's on). But I do have a cute baby wearing cute clothes (often brand name!). So why can't I get any traction with these other moms?

I probably wouldn't even care if my little fledging play group hadn't died; the other mom in the group simply stopped responding to my emails. So I'm beginning to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. What gives? I'm not really someone with low self-esteem, but MAN. Make me regularly face a bunch of women I don't know, and damn if I'm not just as awkward and uncomfortable as I was in seventh grade. Why do we, as moms, do this to each other?

I'll keep going to story hour, but I might have to stop thinking it's a place I'll make friends and instead just know it's a place that Tori will get to play with other kids and hear some good books being read. But that makes me very sad. I will say this; I'm not going to bother covering my tattoos anymore. Fuck it.

*I just want to note that all of this nonsense is the luxury of the middle and upper classes; poor women don't worry about this shit. They face other, more compelling issues like were discussed in the comment section of my last post, such as "If I get too big a raise I'll lose my state-funded health care and my kids will have to use the emergency room for their medical treatment" and "I can't afford regular daycare, so do I trust my kids to the woman down the street that runs an unlicensed daycare out of her house and chain smokes?" The so-called "Mommy Wars" are the luxury of the well-fed and the well off. So please know that I understand that as I talk about my recent experiences on the "mommy war" battlefront.

Comments

[Allie]

I would totally be nice to you at story hour. :( Anytime you come to CT for fun in a library let me know!

maybe they are just shy. i don't like chatting with strangers, I am too wary and awkward. it makes me scared.

[Kris]

I'd have to say maybe its the fact that you're new to the groups, and like you said, it was your first time?

We have a playgroup here where I live that goes two times a week while school is in session, and I took my son there from the time I moved here. In the beginning everyone was friendly, nice, etc. School ended, we went off on our own ways, met up now and again through the summer, once again, niceness everywhere. School started, so did group.

Within 3 weeks of school starting my husband left me. Suddenly I was the only single woman in the group.

I've never been accepted since, and its been a year.

My mommy war is divorce.

[Spacemom]

I hated story hour for this reason.

I have 2 mom friends. That's it. The first mom I met via a "new mom group" and we just hit it off. The other mom is the parent of my oldest's best friend. We've worked a very comfortable friendship.

At the playground, library, whatever, I am too loud, too something for others. I usually scare people away somehow. And then I figure I don't belong with those people, KWIM?

I also found that in some towns, I felt too poor (HA!) for the town. The main town next to us has $1M houses all over the place. So showing up in jeans, a t-shirt and my snotty kid made me just remember my upbringing in rural WNY...

Sigh..I guess you hit a nerve here!

[Amy]

I think you are expecting too much too soon here. I go to several different mom/dad/caregiver-and-child-type events and it usually takes at least 3-4 times of going to the same event at the same place before I can get a good conversation going with even one other adult. Plenty of brief exchanges, of course, but it is often too hectic and we are too worried about our kids for more than a passing comment or two. So hang in there. Pick a story time/location/reader that you like and stick with it. If you remain as open to interaction as you have been, you will definitely find some of "your own."

Good luck.

[Kat]

I just signed Solomon and I up for our first story time. Getting in was difficult as the one in our town was so inflexible we couldn't go to the 2-3 yo class because he's only 1.5 yo (!) so we had to search around. Thanks for your post on this, but now I'm nervous! I haven't done so well on the playground scene. So far the one one who's been friendly to me was a stay at home dad.

I don't know why women/mommies are so clichish. I mean, we're all trying to wade through this evolving adventure with our kids. I know I for one could use the support of other mommies, particularly given that we don't have family in the area. Ironically, my family is in your area of PA. Just fyi, I'd probably seek you out in a group BECAUSE you had tattooes and thus had more of a chance of being a kindred spirit than the matching jogging outfit mommies... hang in there and I'll try to do the same!

[Donnie]

Cec... my only assvice is to give them a few more tries at one place. My BFF is a big, bold, strong-minded liberal woman and it took me half a semester to talk to her, even though I thought she was funny as hell.

I hope it's that way for you and those other Mommies.
-D.

PS:
I don't fit the mommy uniform, either. I'm ok with that.

[electriclady]

Man, I hear you. Meeting other moms makes me feel like I'm a high school geek all over again. For me, I think it is partly because I work outside the home--the SAH moms are very cliquey in my neighborhood, and it's hard to get them to look at you, much less talk to you. I have managed to connect with a small group of other (working) moms but it really felt like high school, or possibly like dating, the first few months we were getting together--I was so nervous and awkward.

I've been meaning to post about this at length myself...I should get on that!

[wealhtheow]

This is one of my biggest concerns about becoming a mother (how incredibly shallow, huh). I've never been particularly good at making friends, and I'm worried that when I go to events like this I'll just be stonewalled by other cooler and more social moms.

[kathleen999]

I have noticed that these groups take time to accept people. You will probably have to pick a spot and go there regularly. It sounded like the one in your town was the best one in terms of comfort for you. Maybe just keep on going there? Moms will warm up.

I am always the weirdo mom too. No idea why. But I don't care any more...and my boys usually win everyone over.

[rubenesque writer]

Just delurking to say that I go to story hour with my 2 year old daughter EVERY WEEK at the SAME LIBRARY with the SAME MOMMIES... and still no one speaks to me. I try like heck, but to no avail. Damn cliquey mommies. That's what I think, anyway. If you find the magic bullet that will make these mommies more friendly, please share the recipe!

[melissa]

But maybe SHOWING OFF the tattoos would make the difference, though? I know I'd approach a tattooed bretheren more easily than a scary perfect-looking mom, myself...even though my tattoos are small and mostly hidden.

[charissa]

The thing that occurs to me ... if you pick a group and stick with it, if other like-minded mommies show up, they'll see you (kindred spirit) and stick around. It's possible the current group may warm up to you, or not, but these groups are like revolving doors, with people coming and going all the time. Who knows? And at least Tori is enjoying it...

[sk]

I agree that it's like dating. It took me 2 1/2 years to find any mommy friends. I ended up finding an amazing meetup group. I don't know how I survived without these women before. Hang in there. You'll find your place. I can't count the times I came home from something and cried because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

[Lia]

I'm glad you mentioned the "fat" option. I've felt similarly ostracized and have always wondered if it was about my weight. It's not like it's contagious...

[Jenni]

Even if I had enough money and weren't useless at being a SAHM, the idea of having to find mommy groups to keep the child and I stimulated scares the hell out of me! I would imagine it being just like high school again.

Fuck the uniform I say! Be yourself and see what happens. If nothing else it will be good for Tori.

[Kim]

Hey now you think you are the only one feeling that way. I have tatoo's three of them, but you would never know upon meeting me. So don't judge a book by it's cover, them woman, might just feel the same way as you do. I know myself are always looking for a great "mother" friend. You'll meet some just don't get discourage. I just a new "mommy" friend right outside my home, my son and her daughter play great together. As Tori gets older, more opportunity will present itself.

Oh hey a great place where I've meet some great "mommy" friends, is at our local YMCA. I signed my son up for swim lessons, and baseball. I'm meeting wonderful people. If I was to EVER stay home, the YMCA has wonderful activities for my son, even a preschool, at least here they do.

[Mimi]

I can't tell which libraries you've been to, but wanted to recommend Roz's storytime at Bala Cynwyd Library. I don't know about the crowd there, but I think you'd like her.

Ali & I would totally come to any storytime if you were there!

[christa]

When I first moved to the bay area, I was terribly lonely as my husband was still in Oregon for the first six months finishing his degree. At work no one really spoke to me (I was the only woman in my group and almost a generation younger). I realized that scientists, as a group, are slow warmers and it just took time (read months) for me to get to know people. Being a newbie to the area, I just tried to make conversation by asking a lot a questions and asking for recommendations for things. Maybe asking questions/tips of the mothers rather than comments would help?

I also tried out a couple of knitting groups during that time and found them really difficult as people didn't really talk to me at them either. I stopped going until my yarn store owner (who I swear was the only person that was really friendly with me those first few months) encouraged me to go again. Since then, I've grown to really look forward to these activities.

Even though I don't have kids, I would totally go to a playgroup or storytime just to hang out with you and the lovely Tori. Just give them time. They'll realize your charms.

[Jo-Ann]

Being a similar type to you I have run into the same thing since R was born. It actually was the worst when R was a tiny baby. I had Mom's and Grandmom's scowl at me. SCOWL serious scowls. These days it is just the the Mom ignore thing. Some events are worse than others. I have met Mom buddies in unlikely places at times. It is like meeting a new man. You have to be open to it and grow a thick skin to the rejection!

I wish you live closer!

Hey how bout next Wed I take Tori if the weather is nice to your park by your house??

[Katie]

As for me personally - I am far to shy/socially awkward to respond to anything that anyone says to me in any social situation with anything more than a strangled 'thanks' or something equally inspiring. So maybe some of those other moms are terribly shy or socially awkward. But certainly ALL of them aren't, I would think.

[Meg]

While I think that going a few more times might be a key, I also think that sometimes it never happens. Now the my son is 4.5, I can sometimes get a chat going with a mom at the park--but it's not likely.

I wonder sometimes if it's because 'public' mothering feels so vulnerable, that we are all so aware we could be criticized harshly at any moment, that mom's guards go up, and even when things are pleasant, the vulnerability that's necessary for a real connection doesn't happen b/c other people are also there, and we are all parenting, and we are all under cultural surveillance.

I say this b/c sometimes there have been moms who I could barely get a few words from at a play group or at the park, but as soon as it is just the two of us? All is well. Back in a group of moms? the guard is up again.

And yes, I also think that people often act like fat is contagious. But more likely I think people's guard is up b/c we all are aware of the judgments placed on us so easily by others. Sad.

Maybe ask one of the mom's that strikes your fancy out for a tea after the story hour? I dunno. But no matter what, I don't think it's you. Highly unlikely. It's too common a complaint to be about you specifically.

[Geohde]

You know the first thought that came to my mind reading about all those snooty women?

Screw 'em.

Life's too short to bend yourself to fit in with the clones.

:)

[Melissa Garrett]

Okay, seriously. IT'S NOT YOU!! Take it from me, the typical mommy who attends story hour but doesn't talk to anyone and rarely makes eye contact. It's my problem, because I am TOO shy to know when a nice person, such as yourself, is paying my kid a compliment and trying to strike up a conversation. Perhaps there's just a lot of women like me at these story hours. Or perhaps they're just snobs. There's a lot of them around, too!

You mentioned that many of these moms has more than one child. I know that when I used to take two of my three to story hour, ALL of my energy was focused on getting them to act like humans. I was so nervous about them disturbing other moms and kids that I had a VERY difficult time relaxing.

And although I am one of those who wears track pants, matching hoodie, and hair in a pony, how YOU look wouldn't sway my opinion of you in the least.

Does your town have a mom's group? For example, my city has a Mom's of Ithaca group that meets. Okay, I probably shouldn't tell you that they TOTALLY stood me up when we were supposed to meet, but maybe you would have a better experience.

PS - has anyone come up with a blog title that you like? The only one I could come up with is "Write On." Don't know if it's taken or has been suggested, but it sounds professional enough, plus you could take it to mean many different things. Just a thought ;-)

[Lisa S (aka Stolidoli)]

Hey Cec - just a few thoughts -

1. Please don't cover the tattoos or buy different clothes!

2. As the mom of 4, I sometimes plan a story hour or something similar as a means to get together with an old friend that I might never get to see otherwise - it keeps the kids entertained so we can chat. So in a situation like that, I might appear "clique-ish" beause I'm disinterested in speaking to anyone other than my friend, but it doesn't mean I'm like that across other situations. So don't necessary judge the other parents.

3. Speaking of not judging, sometimes I'm so damn tired I can't talk to anyone even though I want to because I can't process a coherent thought in my head. Again, it doesn't mean I'm not open to a new friend, just that I'm having an "off" day.

4. Usually, I find myself making new friends over repeated exposure and increasing chattiness. It takes seeing the same people over and over again to really chat.

5. Please don't try to change your clothes or cover your tattoos! I'd love to hang with you at a story hour, and this is coming from a girl in an Ann Taylor sundress eating a Weight Watchers ice cream cone. Besides, you have no idea if they have a tattoo, just like they might not know about yours.

6. Did I lose count? Anyway, Tori and Catherine are just about the same age - we could always get them together if you'd like. Catherine could use a girlfriend, and it would be fun for us! I'm all the way near that bookstore that you worked in years ago, but still relatively close by.

Oh, and I laughed at the girl in a black t-shirt thing - I am always drawn to people whose girls are not frilly girly girl, despite having several frilly girly girls myself.