One Tiny Battle in the Mommy Wars

Most people, when they talk about the "mommy wars" are discussing the endless debate about whether or not it's better to be a stay-at-home mom or a work-outside-the-home mom. There's the shaming of "oh my god, you've "opted out" and are now bringing down all women everywhere." Then there is the lengthy discussion about "who makes a good mother." Then there are the "but I thought being a mom was an important job but now everyone thinks I'm boring" articles.

But I don't want to talk about any of THOSE aspects of the "mommy wars". I want to talk about the dynamics of the story hour.*

Since I wrote about my first story hour experience, I have gone to five story hours at four different libraries. Why so many? Well, I'm lucky enough to live in a large urban area and have probably a dozen libraries or more within ten miles of my house. Also, because I know Tori needs to spend more time around other kids and this is a great way to do it, and I want Tori to value libraries the way I do. But the real reason is because hardly anyone speaks to me at any of them, and I keep hoping I'm going to find the perfect fit.

Here are the stats and a brief accounting of each library:

Library 1

Located in the center of my inner-ring very old suburb, this one had the smallest attendance with only about ten parents and kids. While my town is demographically about 50% African American and 50% Caucasian (with a smattering of other races), two thirds of the children and parents present were white. Mostly moms present, but there was one dad. The story "hour" consisted of three books and three songs, with books and songs alternating, and a lovely and engaged story time coordinator. The parents all sat with their kids in a circle and participated in the activities (singing, clapping, mooing, etc). After story time, everyone hung around and the kids all played with the library-provided toys and books. This was my most friendly experience; almost every mother chatted with me a bit, although during play time the group split clearly along racial lines with the African-American moms going off to their own corner. Tori was mostly well behaved, not hitting or grabbing too much (with the major exception, of course, being the binky stealing episode).

Library 2

Located the next town over, another old inner-ring suburb, but one significantly more well-to-do than mine, and much less racially diverse (in fact, most folks in this town are white Catholics). This story hour happens to be at my library of choice (featuring the best book selection for adults, and cool trans-gendered librarians). This story hour was huge-- 32 kids and moms--and everyone was white, white, white. Here we were all shuttled off into special room for story hour, and the format was again three stories and songs alternating and the reader was enthusiastic and engaging. All the mothers eagerly participated, singing along and clapping, etc. The only mother that spoke to me at any length was also there for the first time, and a bit worried because she'd brought her three-year-old daughter to the "infant" story time and was afraid it would upset people. All other mothers ignored me completely, even when I spoke to them directly (all I got was faint smiles). Tori was very good and danced and sang and clapped and didn't steal any toys or binkys.

Library 3

Located two towns over, in an outer-ring suburb where all the big chain stores live, this one is in a solidly middle-class neighborhood. The format again included books and songs, but also included some counting games and other things, and was also in a separate room from the main children's section. About 25 kids and moms (and the same one dad that came to Library 1) were there and the group was almost all white but with two Indian moms and kids. This library offers two story hours, one at 10am and another at 11am, nearly every day of the week and has two librarians (additional bonus--a playground right next door). Who spoke to me? The two Indian women, and another mom with a ten-month-old daughter (her baby was wearing a black t-shirt--the only time I've seen a girl at these story hours not wearing pink or flowers or frills--and that includes Tori). Everyone else said "Thank you" to my complements about their kids and promptly turned away from me. Tori was well behaved and roamed the room at will, and I will say that every mom she stopped by included her in their singing and gave her big smiles.

Library 4

Located in West Philadelphia, near two major universities and the home base for the local anarchist movement, I thought that HERE was where I'd find my people. West Philly is pretty much like the United Nations; you name a country, and someone from there lives in West Philly. At this group the format included books, songs, and a craft (making play dough pizzas), but the librarian was very nervous and didn't let all the kids see the books while she read them, and she read too fast. None of the parents sang along to the music, so neither did the kids, adding to the librarian's anxiety. While there were only a dozen kids and parents there, this was by far the most ethnically diverse group--Tori was one of only three Caucasian kids and the crowd included at least four different languages being spoken. While everyone spoke to me, only one mom chatted with me at length and then the group split along racial lines again (there was another lone dad there, but he didn't even make eye contact). Tori was more tired and hungry this time and she had a hard time sitting still; she stole the librarian's puppet, tried to knock over the CD player, and ran out of the room three times. But because this library doesn't have a regular story hour, most of us were there for the first time.

...

So it seems that no matter what I do, I cannot crack the code and get these other moms to chat with me. I've included a lot of information above, but I really want to make it clear that I'm not basing my impressions on just one library, or just one town, or even one demographic or type of neighborhood. At each library I've wandered around the room, following Tori, and I've tried to say something chatty but mild to each mother I've met (like, "your daughter is beautiful!" or "I just love that dress on her"). The only folks that spoke to me long enough for introductions were at Library 1 (although today at Library 4 I thought I recognized someone, and we introduced ourselves). At each one I've kept my tattoos demurely covered, and I've arrived clean and unstained. But still, no luck in making new mom friends.

I have no doubt that Tori is benefiting from all these story times. She has a great time, and we're getting her lots of kid exposure. But I have not felt this ostracized by other women since I was in middle school. I realized that this was bothering me when I began contemplating going shopping for clothes for the first time since I left an outside-the-home job. I need to get some new clothes for cooler weather, and without even realizing it, I started looking online at outfits I've seen the other moms wearing at story hour--meaning, t-shirts covered with light hoodies and matching track pants.

Because I have noticed a uniform, and it's not just the clothes or the moms. The women all look very similar; hair is usually in a ponytail, and they all wear mascara but not lipstick. The little boys are all dressed in casual but rugged clothes, but the girls are always very girlie and almost ALL have something in their hair; barrettes or ponytails or ribbons or bows.

I do realize that this could change; after all, I have only gone to one place twice (tomorrow will be my third time at Library 2) and it could take a while for folks to become chatty. But the one factor that is present at each story hour is ME.

Sigh.

I know I intimidate people (this is a chronic problem for those of us with strong personalities) so it could be that. I have been the only "fat" mom at each library (although I'm sure some of those moms would claim they were fat, they weren't). I've been the only tattooed mom, and often the only one with just one child, and sometimes the only one without a ring (I get a rash under my wedding ring if I wear it all the time, and these days it's off more than it's on). But I do have a cute baby wearing cute clothes (often brand name!). So why can't I get any traction with these other moms?

I probably wouldn't even care if my little fledging play group hadn't died; the other mom in the group simply stopped responding to my emails. So I'm beginning to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. What gives? I'm not really someone with low self-esteem, but MAN. Make me regularly face a bunch of women I don't know, and damn if I'm not just as awkward and uncomfortable as I was in seventh grade. Why do we, as moms, do this to each other?

I'll keep going to story hour, but I might have to stop thinking it's a place I'll make friends and instead just know it's a place that Tori will get to play with other kids and hear some good books being read. But that makes me very sad. I will say this; I'm not going to bother covering my tattoos anymore. Fuck it.

*I just want to note that all of this nonsense is the luxury of the middle and upper classes; poor women don't worry about this shit. They face other, more compelling issues like were discussed in the comment section of my last post, such as "If I get too big a raise I'll lose my state-funded health care and my kids will have to use the emergency room for their medical treatment" and "I can't afford regular daycare, so do I trust my kids to the woman down the street that runs an unlicensed daycare out of her house and chain smokes?" The so-called "Mommy Wars" are the luxury of the well-fed and the well off. So please know that I understand that as I talk about my recent experiences on the "mommy war" battlefront.

Comments

[goodsandwich]

Nobody talks to me at story hour either, and I look a lot like the "other moms" you described. I didn't know story hour was a place to make mom friends? I'm always too busy with the kidlet.

Sorry it's not working for you, though.

[Another Heather]

Haven't read all the comments, but just wanted to say that I am so going through the same nonsense and I am sick of it. What is it with these playgroups? Gah. Honestly, I"m so tired of having to be on my best behavior around other moms, making sure to tiptoe and getting ignored completely--I am starting my own playgroup (I actually put out a flier advertising for liberal moms with foul mouths to come out and play)...so we'll see how that goes. Again, gah. Who knew making mommy-friends would be so hard?

[AmyinMotown]

Dude. Same thing. I wrote about this oh, maybe a year ago? It still hasn't gotten better-but I care less. I would pick one story hour that you like and go regularly--I do notice people warming up when they see me all the time. I wonder why this is, that moms come across as so horribly cliquey. It can't all be insecurity.

[Catherine]

Meeting people is weird once you're out of the age where you meet people - up to college.

I don't know about Mom groups, but anywhere I go where I am interacting with strangers, I find it awkward to get to know people - and I'm outgoing! AA was like that for me in the beginning. I would never have sat at your table at CCYP with you and Sarah and the other girls because you totally gave off the clique vibe! HA! Or maybe it was just me.

Anyway, I think once you're out of the socially prescribed age and situations where you are supposed to form your friends for life, it gets more complicated. I have a lot of acquaintances but VERY few friends - which is why there were 30 people at my wedding among other reasons. :) But you know what? I find I have trouble keeping up with the few friends I do have, so it all works for me.

And as another loud-mouth, I'm so used to being immediately disliked that I don't even blink at it anymore. People find loud, outspoken opinionated women REALLY unacceptable. Which leads me back to the best advice I've ever gotten (from Mandy): "Wear your tiara and fuck 'em."

[Eva]

I really highly doubt that it's you. I make overtures to other mommies all the time that fail and you. And then sometimes they work. One thing is a lot of those mommies might not WANT more friends, or they came with buddies and don't want to "pick up" someone new. (When I'm out with my best friend I might notice if someone is "coming on" to me/her in a mommy-friend way but we both don't take it any further, usually.)

But it can totally happen that you get good friends this way. I think better than story time is the park since there's more time sitting around staring at the children--nothing else to focus on so you might as well chat. Sometimes we're at a playground just about every day. If you become a frequenter, you'll see the same people, and get to chatting with them regularly.

I like to advise people to join mothers' groups, and I have, but the reality is that I've only made one friend I have private playdates with through the club and she's always trying to get me to go to her church (Mormon). But nevertheless my baby gets a lot out of the baby playgroups that sometimes have 9 other kids her age there!

Still, I know what you are talking about with the mom/kid "uniforms" and your concerns about being fat and having tattoos and whatnot. Of course that might play a part. But just like your mama told you, you shouldn't change to get a man/friend, and you have to find the right match. You'll find a buddy or two with time. You just gotta wait for the right one! (I always say that about eggs and my infertility, too).

I'm SO LUCKY to have my best friend with a kid just 9 months older than mine, (we met through our husbands). I really hope you can find a mommy friend like that, too, because it's just wonderful. Give it time and don't assume you're doing something wrong. It's not like you met Charlie right away.

[Stacy]

In a twist I also attend my local library program with my son, James, who shares the same birthdate as Tori, was also the product of IVF, and I have tried to speak to the tatooed overweight mom of an adorable lttle girl (names Sky) but she blows me off every single time so I quit trying. I joined every moms group I could (MOMS International, MOPS, Yahoo groups) and through all of that I have made a few mom friends. I am not sure we have much in common other than being moms but we stay super busy and there a couple of women who are pretty cool.

[Sarah]

If you figure out the answer, post it. I am not sure why it has to be so hard. I have worked on being less shy and making more small talk but I completely suck at taking anything to the next stage. Like suggest we play together? Get together? What do I say? What if she says no?

[JK]

Oh, my friend (may I call you that?), it takes time. Now that N (5) is five, I feel I have a teeny understanding of the clique that is for Moms.

I have a fairly strong personality (Italian) and I find that many people WANT to talk, but don't know what to say/do. Most people are shy and insecure. I find that thinking that way helps. Also, when a Mom has more than one kid with them, socializing becomes impossible because of the herding cats they have to do. When I'm out with my herd of cats, I can't actually talk with any one--even if I want to talk.

I say give it 3 or 4 times at any one place and 3-4 times with a particular person before you expect anything to happen relationship-wise.

Nice sampling of library hours.

[A Whole Lot of Nothing]

I SO hope you don't change yourself to try to fit in with the "others." I never feel like I fit in, either. It's like there's a Mommy Club that I haven't been invited to. But, the more I observe other moms, the more I realize they're just as shy and baby-attentive as I am. We tend to stay home more now.
I'd LOVE to have you as my friend in Florida!

[suz]

Seriously? The tattoed chick with the big personality would be the first person I talked to- I could be reasonably certain we'd have something in common.

I had much the same experience meeting other moms. I often find myself the odd one out, but that was the case pre-kid, too.

I have made friends, but not until I'd decided to hell with it and stopped trying. The people I become friends with tend to hang around the edges of the big cliques, which makes it hard to find each other. I'm so vehemently anti-clique that I was avoiding all big groups and not finding anyone at all.

We found friends at music and art classes more than at library story times. Story hour was just too crowded and the groups too well-established to make any headway.

[cat, galloping]

I don't know, but stop thinking it's YOU. It's not what you wear or how much you weigh or if you have tattoos or whether you wear lipstick or a wedding ring. I don't know what everyone's problem is, but I know I have had a hard time connecting with moms, and I know other people have, too. It's a mystery. But it's not you!

[Jodes]

i'm going with what so many have said before- it takes time! my oldest is 3 and i still am trying to make more mommy friends. it's hard, in part i think, because we are all so worried about doing something wrong or being judged that we are very closed off. i am going through the same thing at the synagogue we joined and i just make myself keep saying hello and asking questions. slowly, people are starting to answer back! hang in there and know it's not you as obviously, the same thing is going on with so many moms.

[carmie]

I take my son to a fairly diverse playgroup and the only way any other parent has talked to me has been us showing up repeatedly. Even so, I still haven't made any outside-of-playgroup friends after a year. Meh. I'm not your typical suburban parent, but my son is very cute and personable and my manners are impeccable. So it can't be me.

Keep plugging along. If you can stand them, La Leche League meetings can be fun for meeting moms.

[suz]

As a mom who takes her baby girl (just slightly older than Tori) to several different activities such as story time each week, I can tell you it's not you. I talk with other moms/dads there, but I am way too busy chasing my little one around and participating in the activity at hand to strike up a real conversation. Look at story time as Tori's thing and the rest will come in time. You are there first for her so have fun doing that and eventually you will get to know others in the group. Also, try asking open questions rather than making comments. This helps moms know that you are interested in talking not just the brief exchanges that normally occur at these functions. And by the way, I am a track pants mommy and your "appearance" would not deter me at all from being your friend. The fact that you think it would is a deterrent though so be careful not to reverse discriminate!

[RainbowW]

where i live, story hour is sort of like a sick AA meeting: they won't look up or talk to you unless you fall on the floor and twitch with DTs.

so, the next time i was supposed to take the kid to story hour, i left him at home and went to a meeting instead.

[Meira]

Gee, why don't I do more activities with the kids?
Oh yeah -- this is why. I have very little patience for people giving me the 'I smelled a turd' look before I walk out the door (and crawl under a rock!).

Part of me is like, "How the hell could these people not see the wonderfulness that is Cecily???" and the other part of me is thinking, "Hey! They don't talk to me either, that's quite a compliment!"

[Jen]

Cecily, after everything you've been through now you're letting a bunch of mommies intimidate YOU? Now one can take advantage of you without your permission. The same goes for intimidation. Keep at it. Work 'em. Make them like you. I've done it a million times. Chances are some of them feel the same way you do (even if they don't look the same as you) and you can bond with each other about being the outsiders. OTOH, Stepford wives creep me the fuck out.

[Patty]

Haven't read the other comments, but my 2 cents are to go to the same one several times. You will see familiar faces and they will recognize you and chatting begins. When Tori starts being friendly with other kids you will start conversations with their parents. I know that when I am out at these kind of things I am too busy/worried watching my own squirrly kid to be chatting up the adult next to me. It is only when I see a familiar face that I chat a little. I have never considered that I was being rude by not chatting with other parents, it is just that I don't have the inclination to chat up a different stranger each week. Oh- and I have tatoos that I do not hide. If they don't like the tats which are a part of me, why would I want to talk with them? Actually, showing your tats might actually start a conversation with other moms who have them! Your tatoos, your clothes, your style are all part of who you are- don't change who you are because you think you need to fit in!

[CTG]

Good grief, I can't even formulate a coherent response. My brain has obviously gone elsewhere for the fall.

I haven't had the chance to go to story time (and probably subconsciously avoided it) but I do know I quit my breastfeeding new mommy group because I felt completely out of the inner circle. I didn't have anything in common with any of these other women. I was stuck in the trixie breastfeeding group and I am most definitely not a trixie! I need the "realistic moms" group. Like when their 2 year old rubs fig newton all over their face on the train on the way home they just look at them and say "well now that was just a waste of a good fig newton!"

Although interestingly enough, whenever I do get around to talking to other moms we end up talking about how hard it is to talk to other moms! Crazy.

[Jill]

I hate to admit it, but I have avoided moms who seemed desperate to make friends.

So I'm going to take a risk and go against the other commenters here, and say maybe it WAS you. Maybe you're putting out "desperate to make friends" vibes? Maybe you're just trying too hard?

Cec, I think you would be the best friend a gal could ask for. Be yourself, give it some time, and I'm betting you'll find some really great friends- whichever library you choose.

[Felicia]

Hey, you sound like me. I am a big girl with tatoos and I talk way to much!!! My little girl is Tori's age too. Anyway I joined a mom group and went to almost everything and just keept showing up, eventually I found some people to hang out with. The one thing I did that seemed to work if you find someone that you talked to and sort of clicked offer a park play date. I had little cards made up with a pic of my and Samantha with our email and address. I got rejected a few times, but I also got a new friend out of it. Sometimes people are just as shy so you can't be afriad to keep going up to people, even if they just smile. Hope it works out for you. Wish we lived closer!!!
Felicia

[Anon]

It's not you. I don't have as much experience with playgroups/storytime as you do, but I have never felt like I fit in. I'm too young, work, too schooled, whatever. You name it, I just don't fit in. Anywhere.

Show off your tats (or quit covering them LOL) and forget about trying to make friends, at least for the time being.

I guess I don't relate to women in general well. I honestly have no female friends any longer. Good thing I don't mind being a loner!

I'm sure there is someone there who will figure out how cool you are. Give them time. =)

[stella]

I live in a tiny town with a pretty evenly split white/hispanic population. Story time is terrible! These women are usually very stand-offish. Of course I don't try to talk to them to much because I feel so out of place. I too am fat and don't wear my wedding ring either (never thought about that). Who knows? Maybe they are all as shy as me. BUT I was just telling my husband last night that my whole life I have felt that becasue I am fat people think I have no feelings. They treat you like you aren't a person. I this isn't always the case but I am seeing it with a co-worker at the present. It sucks!

[stella]

Oh, and I have three small tattoos, a nose piercing and a lip piercing. That gets some interesting stares from the conservative mommies!!

[Kim - mom to 5]

Well, first I want to say it's great you are getting out there. Two, I think you need to go to the same story time at the same library for awhile and then you will make friends with the moms. I personally look for the not so cookie cutter people to hang with even though I have my kids dressed as you have described them in your post.
In my experience, the other moms are probably just checking you out. Wondering if you are going to stick around. I often look for other nursing moms, moms who have slings, or moms who have something that identify them as having something in common with me.