Anger

Last week at a really awesome recovery meeting a woman put words to a chronic condition I suffer. This condition causes me to snap at Charlie for no reason, slam doors hard enough to make pictures fall off the walls, and occasionally throw shoes. It's a condition called "inner crazy woman."

My inner crazy woman is very powerful. She's also irrational, cunning, smart, and every now and then absolutely fucking right. This is where the danger lies: because she is sometimes correct, and calls attention to important issues that need addressing (usually in my relationships with other people), I allow her way too much leeway and give her way too much credit. And she comes out when I'm angry.

The topic of this particular meeting was anger. Anger and I have a deep and rewarding relationship. I have come to realize this lately because when I fly off the handle--which I do entirely too frequently--I actually have a few minutes after the outburst where I actually feel a little bit stoned. I suspect this is why it is said in recovery meetings that "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men" (ignore the sexism, it's from a book written in 1939). For those of us that found getting drunk and high to be the be-all and end-all of life, that buzz you get from anger can be intoxicating--and therefore dangerous.

In one of those great deep moments of irony, as I left the meeting I got trapped in the pick-up line of cars for the church's preschool (most recovery meetings are in back rooms and basements of churches). I didn't realize what was happening, so I actually got out of my car and asked the woman at the head of the line if she could kindly put her car in one of the nearby parking spaces (there were spaces available, but there was no way for me to get around the line of cars), which she did. But the woman in line behind her merely pulled up into her vacated space.

This completely infuriated me.

To make matters even more annoying, once the preschool teachers spotted the car seat in my car, they kept knocking on my car window to ask me who I was picking up. When I said (growled), "I'm not picking anyone up, I'm just trying to LEAVE!" They laughed. LAUGHED. And one said, kindly, "Well, next time you know to park across the street so this doesn't happen!" I was incredulous. I said, "You do realize that you are not the only thing happening at this church right now, right?" She looked confused and said, "But this is the pick up line!" As if that explained everything.

I was stuck for over a half-hour. I had to call three different people to calm down. THREE. Charlie, Sarah (who is my sister in anger), and my good friend Dave. Dave said, sympathetically, that the best moments of his day--the time he feels the most spiritual and content--are in the mornings while he's having his coffee... before he sees anyone else.

Naturally, I lost my hard-won serenity from the meeting completely.

Anger is my favorite coping tool. I do not do other emotions easily. Grief is tough for me. Depression? I don't get depressed. Instead, I get brittle, sarcastic, cruel. Often, I've used those emotions here on this blog. I can be very, very funny when I'm angry. But I also hurt people. And worst of all, I'm hurting, and using anger to lash out and protect myself, and ultimately? It doesn't help a bit.

I was thinking about that today when I was visiting yet another story hour. I realized, as I watched all the other women there, that we are all on the defensive. We are worried about what our kids are doing, how they are behaving, if the other moms there think we're lousy parents. Since I've processed all of your wonderful responses to my last post about story time, I have changed my actions. I am making sure I make eye contact and say hello to every mother (or father) there, but leave it at that. I'm not pushing. I stopped worrying about how I was dressed, how Tori was dressed, and how I acted. I just relaxed. And you can guess what happened, right?

I have several lovely conversations today. I met a mom of IVF twins just a little older than Tori, and another mom overheard our conversation and jumped in because she'd just gotten a negative beta from her fourth IVF attempt. Tori was wearing her (almost too small!) "My entire life is being blogged" t-shirt, and another mom spotted it and told me about her sister's blog and how much she loved keeping up with her sister's family that way.

It was a wonderful time.

I have to watch myself. When I felt hurt, rejected, depressed --whatever-- I don't react normally. I react with anger in all its various forms--sarcasm, bitterness, snideness, eye rolling, whatever. I need to slow down when I find myself being angry and examine the root cause, because it's usually something I can't control (except, of course, how I respond to the situation). I need to breathe, relax (arg) and just let shit go. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." I don't want to give up any more of my happiness. Not one more minute.

At the meeting tomorrow, I'll park across the street and let the moms pick up their kids from preschool unmolested. I'll try to leave my inner crazy woman at home with Charlie. Where she belongs. Heh.

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P.S. Last call to suggest a new name for this blog! Post a comment here, and I'll put up my favorite five to vote for next week!

Comments

[Liz]

Since you decided to "change" your blog, it shines. I can see and feel the difference. Truly enjoyable ... I love the topics, the honesty, and how well it's written. Thank you.

[Celeste]

Awww Cecily, I'm sure the preschool lady thought she was being helpful with telling you to park elsewhere next time. I wish she would have had a way to let you out of there and on your way.

I kind of see her point; there is only one place the pickup line can be, but there are other places you can park.

Bright side--you weren't stuck there on a full bladder, and nobody was stuck waiting in the rain for you to come get them. My mantra in these situations is that it could always be worse. Stupid thing, but it's my coping tool and you can sample it free of charge. ;o)

They say any time you try to break a habit, you've got to replace the void it leaves with something else. I know you'll find something.

I'm really excited to hear that the story hour went better this time. Good for you for being the big person and breaking the ice with everyone. I think you made an excellent observation that we're all defensive. That is a pretty powerful insight IMO.

[Jenni]

I hear you. I understand the rage. The generally justifiable but completely irrational rage. Something that on one occasion you'd blow it off but on another you spend your day seething over it and can't sleep because you can't stop. Occasionally it goes along with my good friend crying fit/perhaps cutting your own arm isn't just for teenages person.

I'm better now. God bless cymbalta. None of the other ones worked. Yeah I still get mad, but I don't get out of control and irrational and it doesn't ruin my whole day. I don't like to be medicated but my life and marriage are worth it. My husband seems a lot like your Charlie sounds and more than anything else I couldn't live with the guilt for being so horrible to him when he is such a good guy and I didn't want the wee man to see me like that. EVER. I like being happy. It gives me a high to be able to say good morning to everyone and smile AND MEAN IT!

[Sarah]

You know I can relate! :-)

And I want to say, also, that your posts since you decided to refocus the blog have been fantastic. Brilliant writing, great and thought-provoking topics...you are really good at this. xo

[Tamara]

I have the rage problem, too. I find that the days that I get a good 20 minutes or more of heart pounding exercise, are the days I have no need to snap. It's amazing what exercise endorphins have done for me (former smoker and long ago drug user). It's just hard to convince myself to get out there and do it, but when I can, man do I feel the difference.

[Amy]

It's interesting that anger is kind of your default emotion. I hate getting angry because I feel so out of control. I hate that I have all this built up emotion and no where to put it. Kind of like a large charge of electricity and no outlet in which to plug it in. That's probably why I'm so prone to depression and meloncholy. They say depression is anger turned inward and I believe it.

[Lisa]

Thank you for this post. Anger is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately, i.e., how do you let go of anger over horrible things that happened to you that you had no control over? I have control over whether or not I feel angry, but it's so much easier to just give in to the anger. And it's "safer" to hold on to anger because it keeps you separate from those who might hurt you. But I've been trying to let it go because it also keeps you from being happy.

Anyway, glad to know I'm not the only one who is struggling with these issues.

[sarah]

Anger and I were BFF for a long time -- it went well with my pal, it's not fair.

I attempted to break up with both of them and it mostly worked. That is until I got pg and miscarried (both sort of unexpectedly) and then got a shower invite for my SIL's 3rd kid (a girl this time). It all came back. And boy was I mean.

I'm thrilled to hear the story time went much better! There are stirrup queens everywhere, even at story time.

[Julie]

It's funny - I get the whole anger thing. What's helped me (quite recently) is giving myself a time out. Yes, I'm serious. I will sit on the step (usually next to Dylan) and take my time out.

Of course I can't do the whole age = minutes things cause I'd be in time out for eternity. hahaha

Over the weekend, Dylan was on a rampage at a picnic. Just flipping out for no reason. I felt myself getting angry along with him so I told him that we both needed a few minutes of quiet time and we sat on a tree stump. He stopped crying, I stopped my inner raging. We enjoyed the people around us for a few minutes and then went back to enjoy the fun.

Maybe you need a time out here and there?

[revdrmom]

Cecily, you are a wise woman, and this is a wonderful post. And I love the part about your inner crazy woman!. I so identify with the part that says she is powerful, smart, and every now and them completely fucking right!

I've been so irritated by things lately, and I hate it, but it is so hard not to react that way, especially to other people's incompetence. I too keep telling myself to breath and just let it go. But it's not easy.

[Tiffany]

I am glad you are relaxing at storey time and you are not so worried about what other mons think. I love that quote "For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." I remember being an emotional teenage (heck who isnt') but once I got into college and grew up a little bit I decided that life is too short to be angry, unhappy and to hold grudges. Now I am no where perfect at this, I pick my battles and just try to live life even kile (I know I did not spell that right.) My husband is pretty even too but he is always amazed how I do my best not to let things get to me and how patient I am - it is getting harder with a 2 year old who is trying to be independent.

[Gawdess]

I'm thinking of printing this one out.
Wow.
You touched me, and it kind of scares me too.
I want to keep all my seconds of happiness.
Shaking the habit is hard.

[Heather]

I'm with the other commenter, only it is thank God, for Effexor!
It really keeps my inner crazy woman, calm, cool and collected. Without it, I am NOT a NICE person. I'm so glad you had a good story time experience this week.

[Sandy]

Obviously I am NOT in control because I haven't been cruising blogs much at all lately, but tonight I'm cranky and pissy at everyone in this house. I posted on my own blog - something that is down to about a once a month occurance - and then tripped over here to check up on youse guys. And find this post. Yep. Why do I keep thinking I'm the one running the show? Definitely a higher power at work tonight. Thanks for this post.

Now let me go get caught up on this whole "changing the name of my blog" bit.

[parodie]

I read the weirdest anger-management suggestion, which I considered totally counter-intuitive (and maybe a bit patronizing) but ... it works, so I will share. But if you raise your eyebrows, know that I did too.

I found it at (http://www.sarahlaughed.net/lectionary/call_narratives/index.html), on Dylan's lectionary blog (you can find the exact paragraph by finding "traffic" in that post). She suggests that one take the opportunity of small things that happen every day, like stopping at a red light, to count one's blessings - this is essentially thought-process behaviour modification, to stop focusing on the negative (red light) and instead focus on a positive. She also talks about not monitoring other folks' "unrighteousness" which is also very smart...

Of course, it's not a full solution to anger - but a big change is the result of many small small steps.

Anyway - I get the anger thing. Oh I do. And I wish you lots of luck in dealing with it.

[ali]

Great post. I believe I have the same "condition." I am all for changing the name of your blog - if only because it's blocked at work (birth control?). But what? I am fresh out of good ideas . . .

[mar]

"Inner crazy woman"? Gee, and all this time I thought I just had PMS ... ;-)

I was just talking about this with my husband recently. About when he (or other people) do something that makes me mad - honestly, legitimately angry - and then they apologize. A true, heartfelt apology. Well - I'm still mad! I'm angry, your apology, although well intentioned, isn't fixing the situation, I know that nothing can be said or done to fix the situation - so what am I supposed to do? Pretend I'm no longer mad? That's not true - I am still mad!! And what do I do w/that, where do I go with that? I remove myself, take deep breaths, wait it out - but it isn't easy. And it's hard to explain - you did a beautiful job.

I never commented on your library post, but I often suspect that other mothers feel as I do - judged by my clothes, my weight, my car, my child's behavior - and of course in reality what unites us is far greater than what divides us. I'm glad you finally had a positive experience!

[carmie]

My inner crazy woman is really good at applying lots of eyeliner and cutting her own hair. Unfortunately, when she goes back into hibernation the next day, I have to live with puffy eyes and trying to grow my hair out AGAIN.

What great news about storytime! I hope you make some good mom friends soon.

What about calling your blog Inner Crazy Woman? Although perhaps that's not the image you want to promote....

[Elise]

I think it's so interesting to think about what one of the commenters called your "default emotion." Mine isn't anger so much as a general "I suck and don't deserve to be alive" feeling. Boy does that feel horrible when it happens. And it totally happens in the same situations you describe that make you so angry. But hurray for progress - I'm so glad to hear you were able to see through it and make a different outcome happen at the library. I know that when I retrain myself to think "I DO deserve to be alive," really good stuff happens. (If I were the tattooing sort, I would totally get that tattooed on my wrist so I'd never be able to forget it!!!!!)

[Jill]

How awesome you had this revelation. That is half the battle. A friend just told me her little secret is to think "That's my gift to them." So when someone cuts her off on the highway, or someone is rude and she doesn't respond, she says her little thought to herself, and goes on with her day. I'm thinking, it is also a gift to herself.

[Another Heather]

What a great--and timely (for me) post. I have a similar relationship with anger, and I commented on your post re: playgroups about my difficulty connecting with the other mothers in group situations and how irritated/angry I become with what I perceive as their passive aggression toward my "otherness". I am going to try to be aware of my reactions to perceived slights/rejections and see if I can't be a bit more zen--perhaps I'll have some success as well! (But my flier advertising a playgroup for liberal pottymouths has also garnered huge response, and I've met a couple of great women that way--I guess lots of us are looking for a safe place where we can let our kids play while letting our guard down, not having to be on best behavior, etc)...

[curiousgyrl]

For me this hit the nail on the head. I recently broke up with my partner of 6 years. I keep trying to create situations where i can be angry at him, even though, fundamentally I'm not. I

ts as though I cant let myself have any other emotion. I live for snideness, etc mentioned above. I moved out on him and I want to be mad. How f*cked up is that?

[R]

Anger is seductive, no doubt. One thing I'll never forget is something I learned in French class--as you may know, the French verb for getting angry is "se fâcher (contre)." But there's an important difference from English--it's a reflexive verb, so literally translated, it means something like "to make oneself angry at..." Buried in the grammar is a cultural difference in the ways we look at anger: for English speakers, anger is generally seen as something that comes from outside, but in other cultures, it's acknowledged that it's something one does to oneself.

I found that very powerful, and I think of it often. I'm trying hard to wean myself off of anger w/r/t family issues...I know I'm not hurting anyone but myself. That's not to say that I always (or even often) succeed, but like you say, it's all about controlling how you respond to the situation.

[lauren]

hey cec - the link doesn't work!

[Coral]

The whole anger thing is very thought provoking. I hate anger in that it doesn't achieve anything except make me feel a bitter guilt inside. I hate the seething that goes on after the occasion of anger.

And I never feel as alive as when I am angry and spitting out things.

How effing sad.