Fear/Faith

If you are part of a spiritual community, whether it's a church or a twelve-step group, you've probably had some asshole tell you that fear is the opposite of faith. Maybe it's true. I don't fucking know. But the fact is, we are not angels, or gods, or even dogs who can rest assured that our food bowl will always be filled no matter what. We are human, and being afraid is not abnormal. It is built into our DNA, after (hello, fight/flight reflex). Fear is, in fact, a God-given resource that helps keep us safe.

However.

Lately I've found myself absolutely paralyzed with fear. Most of it is surrounding the work I've been doing, and my fears that I am not going to make it as a freelance writer, and that in fact my writing sucks and what on earth was I thinking quiting my job? I am such a LOSER.

This is NOT normal.

My head is a sick and crazy place to live. Most the work I do to maintain my spiritual well-being is designed to keep me out of my head, to instead direct my energies outward toward helping other people and trying to be the best person I can be and letting go of everything else. But every now and then I can't stop myself. I descend into insanity, and every phone call is bad news, and every email rife with double meanings (none of which is good).

It's a terrible way to live.

Luckily, I have people in my life that know what to do to force me to snap out of it. I called my primary spiritual adviser today and she suggested I work on my issues with faith, and that I take some time to make a gratitude list. What's a gratitude list? Well, it's a third grade level trick designed to put me in a better mood. When my head is full of craziness, a gratitude list helps me put things in perspective, and remind me of the good things in my life (note: it doesn't always work. I would not suggest trying to create a gratitude list when you are, say, in the hospital after losing your twin boys. However, for more run-of-the-mill fear, it's awesome).

So after I hung up the phone, I took some time to yell at God for a moment, and then I listed those things I'm grateful for. Like the fact that Charlie is 100% behind me being home, and working as a freelancer, even though it means we no longer have a regular paycheck to rely on and now stalk the mailman on a regular basis in hopes that a check will come so we can pay bills/buy groceries/buy me some new fucking pants. Or the fact that Tori is not only here, and healthy, but pretty much the cutest baby that ever walked the earth (shut up, she is). And the fact that I have an amazing best friend who totally listens to me when I'm crazy and never laughs at me. Or the fact that I have another good friend that listens to me and DOES laugh at me and helps me remember that I am crazy.

While I was in the midst of thinking about all these things, I was washed with a wave of gratitude for all of you. My professional work now is writing, and I have felt a little shaky in my abilities of late. But then I remembered you guys, you amazing people that come here every single day and read whatever drivel my brain produces, and then say nice things to me about it. Holy shit, I am the luckiest woman in the world! Why on earth am I afraid?

Everything will be fine. I am a good writer, and I will find a way to make this work. Thank you for reminding me.

Not long after I had that moment of realization, I tuned into my local NPR station only to hear Dan and Dave Simpson, two local poets (they live in my town, even) that happen to be blind, being interviewed. Dan read this amazing poem (ah, I wish I could find a copy online for you all) about faith and being blind. The poem said something about being at the book store and buying books with blank pages (pages written in braille, of course, can look blank from a distance) and "paying with a bill the grocery store clerk said was a twenty."

Man. When God wants to tell me something, s/he drops an anvil on my head. Talk about faith! Talk about gratitude! Talk about perspective!

Shit.

Right now (I just almost typed "write now", how Freudian of me), I am mid-leap. I am flying through the air, hoping that jumping was the right decision, praying that instead of falling to the ground in a broken heap I will instead either land safely or a net will magically appear. Is there anything more terrifying?

The truth is, even mid-leap, my life is pretty fucking wonderful. And I couldn't possibly be more grateful to be reminded of that fact. Thank you for being part of that.

So, tell me; what are you afraid of? And what are you grateful for?

Comments

[camille]

1.

I am afraid of losing myself in the process of being a mother - that I am already lost. I am afraid that no one knows or remembers or cares who I used to be, who I still am underneath the mom costume. I am also afraid that I don't do the mother thing quite well enough. I am impatient and cross often. I don't play like I think other mothers do. However, I am grateful for three healthy children. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to my children. I love them ferociously.

[Abby]

2.

I am afraid that my husband will never find a job - is not motivated enough to do so - and will continue to rely on me to take care of everything with the money that comes from my two-job, 12-hour workdays.

God bless America that felt good to say out loud.

[Blythe]

3.

I'm afraid I'll never feel like a success.

Your post reminded me of this article, about how women tend to feel apologetic about their writing:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/15/opinion/15mon4.html?ex=1193284800&en=7b182e3de838ee9c&ei=5070&emc=eta1

[Libby]

4.

Everything will be fine. You are a good writer, and you will find a way to make this work. Plus, the internet loves you, yes we do.

I am afraid I will be single forever and die alone. There, I said it out loud.

[Anne]

5.

I am grateful for nearly everything in my life. I am grateful for a stable job in the field I want to be in, a house in a safe neighborhood, a supportive husband (not superhuman or without flaws but totally awesome nonetheless), my completely absolutely totally beautiful healthy loving and lovely baby, having grown up in a culture and a family that told me I (as a female) could be anything I wanted to be, and gave me the resources to do it, good health, caring friends and family.

I am afraid of losing my daughter and my husband--to illness, to an accident, to a psychopath. Those fears sometimes take my breath away. I am usually able to make them lie down and sleep but they come back sometimes, especially after hearing some horrific tale on the news (I hardly watch the news anymore after having my daughter. It feels like I no longer have any emotional skin.)

[ALG]

6.

I am afraid of being emotionally needy forever. I am afraid of having more needs than any human being can meet. I am afraid of never marrying and never having children. I am afraid of never having a job/career that I like and find fulfilling and that pays the bills.

Some mornings, I am so afraid, that I just don't want to get out of bed.

[ALG]

7.

Also, I am in awe of you who have overcome your fears to do awesome things with your lives, while I still with a mostly unfulfilling office job.

[Maura]

8.

Cecily, you are not a good writer. You are a GREAT writer. I have over 100 blogs on my RSS feeds, mostly political but many personal, and when I see you have a new post, yours is always the first that I click.

And FWIW, I'm grateful for you, too. Grateful for your voice, grateful for the sense that I have an ally out there, even though I've never met you!

[Adina]

9.

I give thanks every morning for all of the things in my life - my children, my family, my job.

I am afraid that I am not able to give 100% to all that I do have to be grateful for. That I am not the best Mom I can be to my children, best wife I can be to my husband, etc. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and regret some of the decisions I have made, that maybe, just maybe things could have been better/different.

...and yah, what Camille said, I am afraid of losing myself - very well written!

I want to love & be loved and my greatest fear is that I won't have that one day!

Cecily, I check your blog daily for updates and enjoy your insight and outloud thinking. I am grateful for your honesty and appreciate your openess - don't stop what you do!

[WendyP]

10.

I've rarely/never commented, but I wanted to say you are indeed a great writer.

I'm afraid I will never be a mother. Ironically enough, I am also afraid to become a mother. I am afraid of what I don't know or understand.

I liked what a friend once told me, that God isn't going to throw you off of a cliff and watch where you land.

[Spacemom]

11.

I am afraid that my soul and who I am is getting lost in the idiotic mother race to do it all. My brain needs the adult contact and work, my heart needs my husband and children, my soul, is left to flounder, looking for help.

I am grateful that I have all that I do, the wealth, the shelter, the children, the love.

[Kim]

12.

That was deep!!! I will have to get back to you on that one. It brought up a lot of my fears/feelings. I'm not quite sure I want to deal with right now. Great moving post C.

[Celeste]

13.

I get anxious over many things, but only to a point. I really don't have paralyzing fear.

But to answer your questions:

I'm afraid of telling my child about this sometimes so messed-up world.

I'm grateful that my child loves me, even when I'm not the best mom.

[Dea]

14.

I promise you're an excellent writer.
My fears are creepy, well to me. I'm so scared that I will end up like my mother. That I will parent like her, that I will have multiple husbands like her. I'm so scared that our likenesses won't end at our appearances.
Funny thing is I know I won't be like her. Already I am so different from her, in a stable loving marriage, I have the ability to have a career that pays more than minumum wage. And I am pretty sure I won't parent like her, because I actually plan to parent and not leave my children with man of the month.
Anyhow fears are strange things.

[ellemenope]

15.

It was very scary to realize that I am 100% totally responsible for filling the food bowl for my kids. That everything I did -- every single thing -- impacted them in one way or another. I am also self-employed -- have been for 10 years. I really suck at putting money away when the checks come in to save for when the work is lean. I have been very fortunate in that I have always had work to do. But something else about freelancing is that you can't ever turn it off. You don't go home after a 9-5 day and have your 'at home' time to relax and forget about work. That project, deadline, work you've been avoiding is always lurking in the background. In 10 years this hasn't gotten any easier for me. And yeah there is always that nagging voice that says to me "you're a loser at this -- you suck" especially when I lose a client or see some other designer who is really really good, or I get one of those clients that just sucks me dry. But still, the work keeps rolling in. And then I get a project that makes me really excited and I can say - look at what I created! And actually got paid for creating it! Those make up for all the other times.

[Eliza]

16.

Everything. And everything.

[Heather]

17.

I am deathly afraid of my husband using again and of something happening to my son.

I am grateful for every day that he is sober and is in our lives and I am grateful for every day that I have with my son. Even though sometimes he makes me crazy I still smile when I think of the look on his face when I say Zack no no and he looks up at me and grins and does it anyway!! :-)

[anonymousey]

18.

I'm 27. When my mom was my age, she started getting massive cysts on her uterus and ovaries. When HER mom was my age, the same thing happened. They both had full hysterectomies at a year older than I am. I'm single, rarely date, and terrified if I don't try to start a family now I won't get the chance. Those painful twinges in my lower abdomen? Is that how it starts? I know I should go to a doctor but (I've mentioned this before) I don't have insurance because I can't afford it. That's my fear right now...

I'm grateful for my friends. They are my life and my strength and I wouldn't be able to get through life without them. This is the first time I've ever been in a group of people so disparate but so fiercely loyal to each other. I described it once as being on a crowded subway. We're all smooshed together, painfully close. When one of us falls, the others are so close they hold the fallen one up. Sometimes we don't even realize just being near each other is enough to keep us aloft.

xoxo
katrina

[Lia]

19.

Boy, this could be a really long comment...

Fears: That my husband will never find enough work to be the breadwinner and that I will be stuck in this job that I hate forever. That my little side business (click my name!) will never take off and I will be stuck in this job that I hate forever. That I will somehow lose my husband and my daughter to injury or illness and then still be stuck in this d*** job!

Gratitudes: That my husband is a wonderful stay at home dad and is raising my daughter to be an amazing human being. That my daughter is here for me to love. That I have a creative outlet after so many years without one. That I have this d*** job at all and am able to provide for my family. Amen.

[jenny]

20.

I am scared of dying. Not for the loss of my own life, but for my daughter to lose her mother. I want to watch her get married and I want to be there to wipe her tears at every stage. I have no reason to fear this, I am healthy. It is totally irrational but I can't help it. What I am grateful for is probably obvious. My daughter. She is an IVF baby and everyday I look at her, amazed that she made me a mama. I am also so grateful for my husband that not only tolerates my insane love of my daughter, but joins me in it. I am grateful to live in Canada because I really do feel sorry for those in the US with health care issues.

I feel better, good exercise!

[illahee]

21.

i am afraid my children will reject me and my culture. that i will lose them to japan. this keeps me up at night.

i am grateful for my loving husband and beautiful children. and my health!

[Jo-Ann]

22.

I am afraid that I am a fraud and that my whole cool life is a sham. That I am as irresponsible, lazy, fat, untrustworthy, and nagging as my parents always told me I was.

You write from the heart with talent and passion. I hope the net you need shows up soon!

[Ashley]

23.

I'm afraid that the people I love will never accept God into their lives, and that I'll spend eternity without them. Well I'm not so much in fear of spending eternity without them, it's thinking of where they'll be that keeps me up at night. That's the only thing that paralyzes me with fear, to the point that I have to actively fight back vomitting.

I'm afraid of a lot lately. Like you, every phone call is a death notice. Today, my phone vibrated during class and I had to wait 10 minutes to see what it was about. During that time, I literally became physically ill with worry. I almost passed out. I think I'm in need of a gratitude list...

I'm grateful for my salvation, my husband and son, a wonderful father/best friend, my fortunate opportunities in life, and the fact that I lost both my angels early on in pregnancy.

Ugh, now I need chocolate.

[Miriam]

24.

I've been considering going back to school to get a masters (in a field of study that is new to me) for the past year or so, and I think what has held me back is a fear of failure. I felt pretty good at academics when I was in college, but now that I've been out of it for 7 years, I'm afraid I'm rusty, or that I won't be as good as I remember. And I'm afraid I'd just be trading in one highly competitive field (singing, specifically opera) for another (academia). And I'm afraid if I leave behind singing, I'll always wonder what might have been.

I'm grateful that I'm in a position where I can actually have this dilemma, instead of wondering where my next meal will come from or where I'll sleep tonight.

[AmyinMotown]

25.

I am afraid of not being able to make this freelancing thing work, that the fact I have done it, if not always lucratively enough, for five years (five! years! Go me!!) means nothing. I am afraid this rocky patch my marriage is in is the beginning of the end, not just a rough patch. I am afraid of being depressed, isolated, and competely unable to connect with others when I am old like my inlaws, and afraid of my husband getting sick like they are. And of course, terrified of something awful happening to my daughter. An interesting "faith" thing: I have had days where I am just riddled with anxiety that something bad will happen to her, and have prayed about it. I find myself feeling better when I do that. I like Ane's quote abbove, that it feels like "I have no emotional skin." I couldn't work as a newspaper reporter anymore, I'd just be riddled with terror all the time.

Grateful: for said beautiful daughter (I'd have to say Tori is the SECOND cutest baby ever) and the way she's growing into such a wonderful little person. For this healthy baby boy inside me--to have another pregnancy after all we went through to have our daughter is amazing.
For my husband, and my family; flawed though they are I can't imagine how awful and small my life would be without them.

For my house--it's old, and small, and needs some repair like every other week, but it's so charming and lovely and warm.

For the fact I mostly only have encountered good people.

Most of al, for all the unexpected turns my life has taken in the last 10 years--if you had told me ten years ago I would be a married, pregnant work from home mom who goes to church and freelances, I would not have believed you. Makes me wonder where I will be ten years from now.

[watercolor]

26.

I've had a priest tell me that certainty was the opposite of faith. Anyone who is certain of anything doesn't need faith. We need faith for the things we aren't sure about, for the things we fear, for the unknown, well, for life.

[watercolor]

27.

I am afraid my head will one day not respond to the medication and I will be in horrific pain and unable to work or create or be joyful. I am afraid I will have a pressure spike and it will take out my sight. I am afraid my insurance will drop coverage for the drug that keeps my head under control and I'll have to find $500 a month to pay for it. I am afraid one day I won't have insurance coverage and my options will be to live in horrific pain or choose to not live.

But right now, I am grateful my meds keep my head under control and my pain level is very very low and I am able to work as an architect and artist and have a wonderful joyful life. I am grateful I have a good job with good insurance. I am grateful I only have to pay $100 a month for this drug. I am hopeful someone will figure out why this happens and figure out how to make it stop.

I have intracranial hypertension. My brain makes spinal fluid faster than my body can absorb it. So, in essence, my brain is trying to squash itself to death. I take giant orange pills to keep it from doing it.

[Tina]

28.

I too am self-employed except that I have people that work for me and that leap from having a net to not having one is a fear that unfortunately comes with the territory.

I have been doing it for several years and recently it got even more net free. I sympathize with your pain.

The trick I use to stop the spiral of panic (especially at night) is to imagine the worst it could be. For me, that we get behind on bills for a few months and I have to go get a full-time job. That stops the what-ifs, and spiral.

I'm a constant worrier and planner so having a plan, with a back-up plan seems to be my ticket.

If you ever want to commiserate, e-mail me and I'll give you other ideas that have stopped the worry tracks from a practical point of view.

T

[Genie]

29.

Oh my...to my way of thinking, fear is anything BUT the absence of faith. Faith--whether it's a god-based faith or a more secular faith in the universe, humanity, whatever--is what lets us face the myriad fears of a really fucking (pardon me) scary world without losing our minds, our will to live or our ability to put one foot in front of the other. Faith (and, as you point out, its dear friend gratitude) is that tiny, pale light that illuminates the moments of grace that we would otherwise so easily miss. What am I grateful for? I'm grateful that I've finally figured this out after years upon years of terrified living. What am I afraid of? That I'll forget.

[Cathrin]

30.

Thank you for this post, I needed that right now. I, too, have been so full of fear in the last days, and felt like I was becoming insane.

One of my fears is that I'll never overcome procrastination. I constantly feel guilty because of putting things off. I fear that people will hate me because they think I don't care.
I constantly jugde myself, and I fear other people's jugdement to that degree that on some days I don't do anything at all (besides eating and reading blogs (I'm unemployed)), so they can't jugde me for my actions. And then I fear being jugded for doing nothing.

My biggest fears are that there won't be a man who'll love me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that I'll never have children.

I am grateful for my voice. When I sing I feel like a sane, beautiful person. I always lifts my spirit, and helps me to see clear.

And I'm glad to have my mother, father and brother, who always support me, although they don't always get me.

[Amie]

31.

I'm afraid I'm not cut out for the working world (I've hated and dreaded going to every single job I've ever had). I would like to open my own business but my mind continues to tell me I'll fail at it. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of vomit/ting (this is a VERY serious phobia that I make life decisions around...it's horrible).

I'm afraid of a lot but these are the few things that really plague me the most.

It is natural to be afraid as you said, and it's great that you have great people to help you realize how great you are!!!

[siobhan]

32.

Cecily,
I love you. You are an excellent writer. The poem about the popsicle dipping in the summer just popped into my head. Today's topic is an amazing one. I am grateful for my home, health friends & family. Fears, I have many. I think the 2 are that I will not find a boyfriend & have a baby. I am very scared of that and as I age I become more & more frightened of it : (

[Elizabeth]

33.

I'm afraid of lots and lots of things, although I am basically too superstitious to name them. However, as I get older I develop better coping mechanisms for dealing with it. The gratitude list technique is definitely helpful.
I am grateful for so many things. SO many things. Front and center is my wonderful daughter, of course. I am also grateful that I married an unconventional man who is a great parent and who I have changed and grown WITH since we got married. I'm grateful for my parents, sister and extended family. I'm grateful for my job even though it drives me crazy. I'm VERY grateful that I can both work part-time and be at home with my daughter most of the time. I could go on. Thanks for giving me a reason to think about all the things I am thankful for!

[Gigi]

34.

I´m extremly grateful for my triplets, after 3 years of IF and the best birthday present ever was being woken up before dawn by one of them crying for me. I´m afraid I will fail them...

[Rbelle]

35.

Wow - I didn't realize how much I was afraid of until I started reading everybody else's posts - heh.

I'm afraid something will happen to my parents, especially my dad, before I get married in 6 months (I'm actually always worried that something will happen to my parents, but I like to divy that up into increments - let them be ok until the wedding, let them be ok until they get their trip to Australia, let them be ok until I have my first child).

I'm afraid of my relationship with my fiance changing after we've been married for a few years. I know it will - but I really hope it's for the better. Which doesn't seem possible right now, considering how great things are :P

I'm afraid of not being able to have children, even though I haven't even tried yet, because boy oh boy do I want children.

I'm afraid of not being able to stay home with my kids once I have them. We live in a really expensive area, and I'm scared of the burden I'll place on my future husband, and the strain it could bring to our marriage, if he ends up having to work 3 jobs so that I can take care of the kids when they're young.

I'm grateful to have a wonderful, loving family and be planning a wedding to a man who is really and truly the best part of my life. I'm grateful that I and everyone I know is currently healthy and (relatively) happy. I'm grateful that I have time for my hobbies and even a little extra money for fun things. I'm grateful that I have a job skill that could allow me to freelance someday. And I'm grateful that I have the cutest cat ever, even if he does seem to get worms every other month :P

[Julia]

36.

That my children will die an early death because of complications from their disease.

That my children are alive in spite of their disease.

[Amy]

37.

I am afraid my addictions will kill me soon. Last night my husband could not wake me, said my breathing was near non-existent. Sleep apnea? And what are contributing factors you ask? Smoking, drinking and sleep medications. Oh and being overweight. Tomorrow I quit smoking. Step one.

[Chickenpig]

38.

I'm afraid that I will never amount to anything, other than a mom and a wife, that is. I went to college, I have thousands of dollars in student loans that I owe, but I need to go to grad school to get a job in my chosen field and I haven't, don't know when I ever will be able to, or if I will be able to afford it. I'm afraid that all the knowledge I worked so hard to put in my head, and am still paying for, is melting away.

I'm afraid that being a mom is swallowing me whole. It took us years and many rounds of infertility treatments to have our twins, and I love them to no end, but now I rarely get to watch the news, wear real clothes, or talk about anything other than my children. I'm so out of touch that sometimes whole weeks go by without me knowing the date. (at least I know what day of the week it is, usually)
I want a third child, although sometimes I'm not sure why, and I am terribly afraid that we won't be able to, or that if we get pregnant, something will go terribly wrong. I know that I'm a good mom, but sometimes I'm afraid that one of our twins isn't talking as well as he should, or eating right, or any number of regular mom fears. I'm also terribly afraid that something will happen to my husband and leave me stranded without a good enough job to support our children (see above) To make a long post short, I'm freakin' all the time!!!

Oh, and your blog is AWESOME! If it wasn't for you, I would know nothing about anything outside of my house right now :)

[MamaPajama]

39.

A day late and a dollar short--and off topic to boot . . . .

You just glossed over what should be the new title of your blog, "Write Now." It's a wonderful comment on where you are with your life, a comment on Twelve Step programs and examining the world we live in.

[Meg]

40.

Really wonderful post, Cecily.

I'm afraid of something being wrong with my current pg, or with the baby. I'm afraid I'll be forced into a c-section. I'm afraid that maybe I'm more cocky than I am talented. And like a few others have said, I'm afraid that being a wife and mother may mean I've lost/compromised/given up on too much of myself and that there is no recovery.

I am grateful to have work that is satisfying, with people who appreciate what I do and acknowledge my work often. I'm grateful for my family and my friends. I'm so very very grateful for my son. Grateful for my constant questioning, as hard as it sometimes is. I'm grateful for my friends who have not forgotten who I 'used to be' and who see that she is still there--for the fact that they get it, when many people don't. I'm grateful for this blog, for your writing and the window you give us into your world/life/thoughts. I'm grateful for the place I live (such a beautiful part of the world), and for knowing how to bake good bread. I guess I should stop now. But I'm grateful that you asked!

[Lisa]

41.

Oh God, you don't even want to know. I'm at a MAJOR crossroads in my life right now, and a decision I recently made could affect the course my life will take for perhaps the rest of my life. I'm operating on a faith/fear cocktail right now that changes by the moment! But I guess everything important in life is a "leap of faith" and you just have to trust your intincts that you made the right choice and keep plugging along.

I think you're a great writer and I fully support your choice! My boyfriend is an actor in TV commercials and I'm a professional writer and we too live the feast or famine life that professional artists live. It's scary, but always fulfilling!

[losing true]

42.

I raised my hands to the keyboard sure of what I would write, clear about what was scaring me to death. This was before I scrolled through the comments.

Now I don't know where to start. What has been terrifying me is nothing, not really. I have enough money to put gas in my car and drive to the job I just accepted, even though it is a job that will, for now, eclipse my freelance aspirations. (Keep going, Cecily.)

But will that cost me my life? Hardly. Setting aside my unoriginal but heartfelt terror that something will happen to my children, it's humbling to admit to being in love and afraid I'll get hurt. Because in the end (the actual end) what more can I take with me beyond intimacy?

Wait. Just kidding. The thing I'm most afraid of? That I'll take myself as seriously as I just did. Dang it.

[Eva]

43.

I'm afraid of something happening to my child, and I'm grateful she is finally here to make me worry about that.

[Carolyn]

44.

Cecily, I always read your blog, but I rarely read all of the comments. I read every comment for the "Name The Blog," contest, and I've read what every one's written so far tonight. How poignant! How thought-provoking! How sobering! How momentous your thoughts and all of these comments truly are to me!

I'm afraid that the train which runs 20 feet from the back of my apartment will wreck sometime and destroy my cozy home. I'm afraid of fire that would burn down the place where I live and all of my "stuff." I have no idea where these fears come from, but they were pretty easy to name.

I'm grateful for living my adult life determined to make decisions that I wouldn't have to regret later. Right now I'm surviving the gut-wrenching pain of my first and only husband divorcing me after 29 years. He blamed me for the breakup, but I've about recovered my equilibrium enough to know that I'm still me, and he was just blaming me for the decision he made on his own. I might not have married him - knowing this was coming down the road - but I didn't know, and I would have made the same choice. I now have two adult, well-adjusted kids who love me. I'm grateful for my faith in God which reassures me that God can make something good out of the very worst parts of my life. I can't see how it will all work out, but I firmly believe it will. This doesn't sound much like a gratitude list, but it's what came to mind. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and asking these questions of us, your fans.

[Rachel]

45.

I am afraid of success and failure. I am afraid of letting down those I love. I am afraid of my family dying. I am gratfeul for the chance to grow up. I am grateful for people in my life who support me through my crazy bull headed times and I am grateful to be alive.

[Rachel]

46.

MOST OF ALL I AM GRATEFUL THAT I WAS ABLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY SON WHO ALLOWS ME TO BE HIS MOM AND AN AMAZING HUSBAND WHO ALLOWS ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENGAGE IN INTIMACY. WOW, CEC, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHALLENGE ME TO WRITE THESE THINGS DOWN EVERYDAY. :)) THANKS!! KISS THE BABY (LIL GIRL) AND SAY HELLO TO CHARLIE!

[Z]

47.

i'm afraid of trying to have another baby. i'm afraid of losing another child. i'm grateful for my daughter, the light of my life, and my best friend, my partner, my husband. i wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.

[gillian]

48.

Great subject
I am afraid that I will never have a child and will be alone for the rest of my life. That fear has become so paralyzing the past couple of years it has prevented me from moving forward in any part of my life
I am grateful for your blog and your wonderful words

[JuliaKB]

49.

I catch myself sometimes wondering why, given all that happened in the last year, am I not more afraid. And no, it has nothing to do with faith, maybe even the opposite. And then there are other times, brief ones, when the fear comes over me like a wave. So far, though, it has also always been brief, like a wave. Hope it stays that way, but am not counting on it.

I am grateful for my living child, for my husband, for my parents and my sister, and for my friends. And for living in a mandated coverage state. Even though it is taking what feels like a long time to start exercising that coverage.

[cathy]

50.

Cecily, I'm grateful that you've taken the leap into the new depth of your blog.

I'm afraid.... of the cross-country move I just made 2 weeks ago... of my east-coast home not selling before my savings run out... of my new (western) business not coming together.. of closing my old (east coast) business after 9 years of success.. of starting all over at the exhausted age of 50.

I'm grateful for the chance to take my business to the next level of exposure and success. I'm grateful for my daughter, who while protesting loudly at our first separation ever, is learning how to grow up a bit. I'm grateful for a life that offers such amazing opportunities in exchange for that leap of faith - and a ton of work.

Thank you, Cecily. We all hold space for you to find yourself saying "best thing I ever did. heh."

[ellemenope]

51.

Sorry to post twice, but I wanted to add the real stuff I should have opened up and posted about earlier:
Fears: fear of losing my daughters-- that is my #1 fear and keeps me up at night. Fear of not having enough money. I lost 80lbs a year and a half ago and I am really afraid of gaining it all back. My dad is dying of terminal cancer and I am afraid of how to manage without a parent. My husband and I are having a rocky time but I am not so much afraid of losing him for me, but for my daughters.

Grateful for: my glorious IVF twins, my faith, although I struggle with this every day. my lifestyle: living on a hobby farm in a house we built ourselves, my animals: horses especially, the ability to run a moderately successful business at home. Running -- biking and triathloning -- I have found a substitute for eating and binge drinking -- it is my sanity saver -- nothing like a long run to get those endorphins going and a year and half ago I couldn't make it up the stairs.

[Patty]

52.

My husband died on Monday. He was 37. We have 2 young boys- 3 years old and 6 weeks. He was not sick, he simply went to sleep on the couch and did not wake up. No reason.

I am afraid of being able to raise these boys by myself.

I am so grateful I have them.

[jax]

53.

Oh my - I was just about to comment when I read Patty's comment ... have strength Patty, my heart goes out to you.

I'm afraid that one day I may forget and take all that makes me happy for granted.

[Stephanie]

54.

Delurking to say I'm not brave enough to answer the questions, but Patty, I'm thinking of you.

[Elena]

55.

Oh Patty, I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. I will pray for you and your family today.

[Tricia]

56.

I love your writing! It is honest and funny, and this post is what I needed today.

I am grateful that I am finally a mom to such a bright, funny, beautiful little girl. I am grateful for a husband who adores me and actually enjoys helping out with the care of our daughter and is such a loving father. I am grateful that my husband has a career that allows me to be a stay-at-home mom. I am thankful for the close relationship I have with my parents,even though they live far away.

Sometimes when life seems so perfect I find that I am most fearful. I think it comes from several times of feeling on top of the world, then in an instant being knocked right down by tragedy. I have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to, yet I fear how things are supposed to be will devastate me. I fear some predator will take advantage of my daughter if I let my guard down because that is all that is on the news and because of that fear I also fear I will never have another date with my husband, because I don't have anyone here I can trust 100% to babysit her. I fear that NC, where we relocated to years ago for my husband's career will never feel like home. I fear I will always be a lesser version of the person I used to be because of the death of my babies in my first two pregnancies. I want my daughter to know the vibrant person I always was, but sometimes I just feel broken.

Your post forced me to think about things I have been avoiding and confused about, and I hope I am ready to deal with some of those fears soon. Thanks for making me think today!

[Dara]

57.

I am afraid of living without a safety net. DH is disabled and cannot care for the twins alone. My mother died 6 months ago and she was my safe zone. Now I am always anxious that something is going to happen and I'll be alone to pick up the pieces.

[Dara]

58.

Oh Patty - I am so very sorry. I hadn't read to the bottom before posting. Now my fears seem inconsequential in comparison to your reality. You are in my prayers.

[Donnie]

59.

You're a fantastic writer, and someone I would gladly call a friend (ya know, IRL and all that). I know you can make things work.

Gratitude lists are generally a good idea (exceptions that you mention notwithstanding). I'm grateful for my beautiful family... for a husband who's my friend, and a good man... for the comfort of my faith... for the pride of my profession... for my trip to Paris in January, and the one to Great Britain in the spring... for the fact that it's Friday, and I get to be with my glorious (and competitively cute!) daughter for a whole two fantastic days.

My fears?

I'm scared my husband will never be comfortable about TTC a second child. I'm scared he'll never have a job that makes him feel secure financially. I'm scared that even if we do try, it'll never happen.

Wow. I could go on like that for days... but I think the biggest one is that I'm scared that I'm not enough.. as a mother, a wife, a teacher, a freakin' human being... I'm not doing enough or being enough.. and that maybe I never will.

Yikes.
I'm going to go read my gratitude bit again.
:)
-D.

60.

I am afraid, scared-to-death terrified, of something happening to my kids. I obsessively check each window and door lock every night before I go to sleep, because I am so convinced that if I don't, someone will come in through the window, in the middle of the night, and snatch them out of their beds. And I'm afraid of the house burning down.

I'm grateful for being able to stay at home with my kids, even though it's a daily struggle financially. I'm grateful for the rain we're finally getting!!

Off to read all the other comments :)

[Dawn]

61.

I fear something happening to my kids. Because I lost a brother (he was 17 months old and drowned accidentally), I dread giving baths (even though that is not what happened to my brother). I also fear one of my children inheriting a specific mental illness that runs in my husband's family. I also fear never losing weight and thus developing dreadful problems that will cut my own life short, but that is something I can and should do something about.

I'm grateful that I can stay home with my daughter and soon to arrive new baby, that I have a job that I can do part time from home (even though it can be absolutely insane trying to do so) and that I don't worry about money every single day at this point (I've got it down to just when I'm paying the bills, which I guess is an improvement).

Patty, my thoughts are with you.

[Kim]

62.

I'm afraid! I'm afraid of out living my son. I'm afraid to leave my child with anyone. I'm afraid that he might be sexually abused like I was when I was child. I'm afraid that I'm not a good mother, that I'm causing more harm to my son (emotional abuse) than good. I'm afraid that because of all my abuse I suffered as a child it's affecting every aspect of my life. I'm afriad that will never be able to have a successful relationship with a male, and raise a success male. I'm afraid!

I'm thankful with who I am. I am who I am. Because of experience I've had as a child, has changed me. It's changed everything about me. But I'm glad too. I'm thankful that I'm mentally able to care for my son. I'm thankful for my wonderful saving grace, my son.

[Meg]

63.

I already posted above, but returned to read others. PATTY, if you have come back to read--my heart goes out to you.

If it is of any help to hear, my dad died suddenly when I was a child. My mom did it, (there was me and my sister for her to take care of on her own) and you can do it too. You will. My thoughts are with you. So very with you.

[Patty]

64.

Thank you for your well wishes. My husband was a great and gentle man. You can learn more about him here: http://southredford.net/ and

[Patty]

65.

http://ursulaproper.com/ and here http://www.crashingcairo.com/ Thank you again, I don't know what possessed my to post. I read Cecily's blog every day and have always been amazing by her strength. Thank you for the kind words and go give a big hug and kiss to your loved ones- and do it every night.

[cp]

66.

I am afraid of the medicine not working anymore.

CP

[Hetty_Fauxvert]

67.

I know you are an Anne Lamott fan ... if you haven't read her "Bird by Bird" yet, it is some of the finest writing about writing that I have ever read. (Her commentary on the station KFKD is especially insightful! LOL!) If you have, maybe it's time for a re-read?

I am deathly afraid something will happen to one or both of my babies. I always knew I would love them but I really had no idea they would become my major reason for living. I am afraid I will be blind/obtuse/lazy like my mother was and let my boys down by not helping them when they need it. I am afraid my husband's recreational beers will become necessary beers.

I am grovellingly grateful to the Deity for my little boys, who grew from being nothing but a wish on my part to being real little boys who wore their matching tiger-cub Halloween costumes tonight. I am grateful for my husband, who loves me more than anyone in this world has (okay, except for my babies and my cats!) and without whom I'd be incredibly lonely. I am grateful for friends who think more of me than I do. I am grateful for blogs like this one, that make me think of what I'm grateful for! It's so easy to forget.

[Foster]

68.

I am grateful for the most wonderful husband on Earth, and for our awesome house. I am grateful that we conceived on the first try and that the first trimester is almost over.

I am scared that my baby will die or have autism. I am scared to quit work, b/c of the money, to be a sahm, even though I want that more than anythinig in the world. Thankfully, my dh is behind it, so Im doing it anyway! I am also scared that I will continue to feel like total crap for the rest of this pregnancy!

[Sara]

69.

I am a first year teacher and so I am afraid of losing control, not having the answers or forgetting why I wanted to teach to begin with. I am afraid I'm not "good" enough, in general -- especially with a feisty three year old in the house. I am afraid I will lose perspective...but I am grateful for what we have, for discovering what we don't need (i.e. stuff) and for reading the stories of people I never would have met in person. Thanks for your perspectives.

[Monica]

70.

I am afraid of almost everything, including that I am really a loser, bad writer, bad mom. I'm afraid of emails and phone calls (bad news, right?) and the double meanings they contain.

I am grateful for you, and for the post you wrote about fear and gratitude. CS Lewis said we read to know we are not alone...and you gave me this gift with your words.

I am grateful for the moments I have when I know I can strong and happy.

[Sarah]

71.

nver getting pregnant, and never having a child.
I had my first IUI today, and because of a OPK confusion, I ovulated yesterday, and wasted two lovely huge eggs.

[Laura]

72.

am afraid my addictions will kill me soon. Last night my husband could not wake me, said my breathing was near non-existent. Sleep apnea? And what are contributing factors you ask? Smoking, drinking and sleep medications. Oh and being overweight. Tomorrow I quit smoking. Step one.

Posted by: Amy | October 18, 2007 at 07:29 PM

DEAR AMY
GET A SLEEP STUDY DONE!!! you may need a Cpap OR bi pap machine, Sleep apnea kills and it is something totally fixable with a sleep study to show what you need! I have sleep apnea i sleep with a Cpap it saved my life!

I am afraid of never being able to tell DAN i am sorry and i miss him, I am grateful that i am alive.
i could go on for days with things i am grateful for. :-)
Hugs

[Laura]

73.

I am afraid to miscarry a third time. I am afraid that my upcoming donor egg IVF cycle will not work and I will waste all that money and still be childless and alone. I am afraid that I won't be able to pull myself out of a downward spiral a third time.

I am grateful for my mom and dad who love me and help me. I am grateful with this life God gave me and I'm trying harder to be worthy of that gift.

[amyinbc]

74.

Laura, please email me. I will send Cecily my direct line. Thanks for your comment and caring. Amy

[moira]

75.

Patty, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish your strength at this time.

I am afraid that my dad will die before he sees me become a successful nurse. I am afraid that the chemo won't work, I am afraid that he will just drop dead one day, chemo too much for his heart, or just from cancer. I am afraid he will not live to see 64.
I am afraid that the mistake I made 6 months ago, my DUI, will ruin my life.
I am afraid all this (school, cancer, chemo, losing my license, being broke) will break me.

I am hopeful because I know I can handle this.
I am hopeful, because the chemo isn't *that* bad.
I am hopeful, because no matter what it could always be worse.

[Dianne]

76.

Patty -

I am so so sorry for your loss. You are so strong to share this with so many strangers.

What am I most afraid of? That I will die before my kids are old enough to remember me. They are 2 and 7 months, and if something happened to me tomorrow, they would never remember me or have any sense of how much I love them. On the flip side, I am so grateful for them and that we are all well.

[Candy]

77.

I'm new to your site, but what a beautiful way you have with words. I'll be back.

My fear list and grateful list always seem to center around these moments I would have when I was a stay-at-home mom (all of a few months ago). I would inevitably get some call from some company I owed money to, and they'd threaten to sue us or shut something off that was dreadfully important to our well-being, and I'd cry and wring my hands and wonder just how I was going to get the blood from the stones that had once been our financial future. And then my children would blow the door off when they came running in after school, calling for me, and dropping their bookbags in the foyer, grabbing a cookie and telling me about their days. Thank whatever beings there may be for them. I would never have made it through those days without them.

[Thank you]

78.

I've read through the comments and have found them quite powerful and moving. As I read I thought about my answers and learned more about myself.

I didn't know that I am avoiding fostering because I am afraid that I will hold back part of myself as a parent for a biological child that may never come and I am afraid that should a biological child come my love for that child will be different in quality or quantity than for the other children who might be a part of my family.

I am grateful for the people who share their lives and experiences on the internet and help me feel less alone/helpless/barren. I am grateful for the realizations that come and the insight it brings into my own life when people are open and make themselves vulnerable. I wish more of us could do this in real life, but I am so very grateful that a medium exists that we can do it safely and at our own comfort levels.