Gone Daddy Gone

Voting is still open until tomorrow on the blog title! Currently, Uppercase Woman and Writ Large are fighting for the top spot. Cast your vote now!

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According to the 2000 Census report, 20 million kids under the age of 18 lived in single-parent households at that time. 16.5 million live with single mothers, and 3.3 million live with their fathers (of that 3.3 million, about a third live with their unmarried partners, while only a tenth of mothers live with an unmarried partner). That's about 6.7% of all children living with a single parent.

In 1970, when I stopped having two parents, about 5% of kids lived with just one parent. I didn't feel like an oddball kid, not having a dad. For a year, my mother and I lived with a group of women who were all also divorced and raising a kid alone, so I was one of many kids without a dad. But once I started going to school, I felt the difference. My mother was treated differently (it seemed to me) by my teachers. Other kids made fun of me for not having a dad.

Of course, part of that was because while there were plenty of other kids of divorce around, they saw their dads on weekends. Those dads showed up at the band concerts and the teacher conferences. But not me, and not my dad. My father simply vanished out of my life.

My childhood memories of my father are nearly non-existent. I have a very dim memory of him visiting once when I was three or four years old, and I thought he was a fireman because he had a huge (to me) red pickup truck. (This is ironic, of course, because my father later went on to become a firefighter, and then died in a house fire he caused). But other than that hazy memory, I don't remember him as a young man.

I had a lot of substitute fathers. There were a few men around my mother and I that were kind to us (not men she dated--she kept her dating habits away from me), like John Pugh, an acupuncturist married to a beautiful Mexican woman and built adobe houses for the poor. But most of my substitute dads were famous--John Lennon (who my father did bear a passing resemblance to), Jim Henson (don't ask me why--it's not like I saw him on television or anything, but I cried like a baby when he died), and other singers like Pete Seeger, and even John Denver (any man with round glasses like my dad was a substitute).

When I was in high school I read an article about the psychological impact of not having a father. Girls who lost their fathers to death tended to be grasping and clingy in relationships with men, and girls who lost their fathers by divorce often push their partners away. Although at that moment in my life I'd only been in one serious relationship (Paul, my boyfriend throughout high school), I felt a chill of recognition-- only two days before I'd dumped Paul mercilessly, then let him walk about thirty feet away before running after him and begging him to take me back.

I've talked before about having a Daddy-shaped hole in my heart, and how deeply the absence of my father has effected me. Now that my father is dead and I'm a mother, that absence has become even more intense and overwhelming. Especially now. Now that Tori is the age I was when my father left.

Maybe Tori is too attached to us--after all, she's home with both of us all day. But if Charlie leaves the house, even if it's just to take the trash out, Tori cries loudly and intensely (although it only lasts a moment). If he's gone for the afternoon, when he comes home Tori's face lights up and she shrieks with joy.

If he was gone--really gone, for good--she would know.

Earlier in my life I comforted myself when I thought of my father by saying I didn't know what I was missing--after all, I didn't remember him. But Tori would know it if Charlie left, and she would grieve his loss intensely and it would effect her for the rest of her life. How could I have imagined that I was left unscathed?

I'm trying to acknowledge and accept the feelings (which have been constant and intense) I've been having about this. The feelings have been coming out all sideways, of course: I've been rotten to Charlie lately, fighting and bullying him for no reason. I did a photographic self-portrait about it for my 52 Weeks project on Flickr, and now I'm writing about it here. But I know I'm barely scratching the surface.

Tori is lucky. There is no way that Charlie would ever leave her. It's why I married him, and why I wanted to have children with him. She will never have a daddy-shaped hole in her heart; instead, her heart will be, god willing, full of love and hope because not only does she have a daddy, she has one that loves her beyond reason.

I wish every little girl could be so lucky. The truth is, there are 20 million other kids out there that are currently running around with parent-shaped holes in their hearts. I don't know what can be done about this--you can't force someone to parent, and frankly, some people shouldn't BE parents--but it makes me sad to think about all of us with our broken hearts, trying to live in this world and be in relationships with each other.

Not to sound like a completely ridiculous and trite romantic, but I do believe that love is possible, and that love can heal. After all, after years of floundering, I managed to find it. And when I watch Charlie with Tori, a little bit of the sadness I feel about not having a father is lifted away. I doubt that I will ever be whole in that way, but I can rest easy knowing that I was lucky enough to stumble on a good man that will love my daughter (and me) for the rest of our lives.

Broken hearts can be mended, after all. Even the hearts of little fatherless girls like me.

Comments

[rae]

1.

Such a powerful and moving post

[karenT]

2.

So eloquently do you express your feelings.

What is also sad is to grow up with a father whom one sees every day, with whom one lives, and yet to still have a father-shaped hole in one's heart.

[jeanie]

3.

Oh, way to send a shiver down my spine, Cecily.

I always worried that my daughter would get a father-shaped hole.

When her dad and I split, I did all I could to make sure they got contact, as they did have a great relationship.

When he developed (ha ha - publicly displayed, more like) his mental illness, I tried to make sure that they still got as much contact as possible, putting as many checks and balances in place that he would not harm her mentally or emotionally with his words or behaviours.

When he died, I did all I could to foster his memory and all the good bits of him with her - but she was very young and soon her only memories of him were those we told her.

When I met V last year, it was a huge fear for me that she would still feel the wound of "no father and some bastard in the place he should be" - but I have to give both of them full credit for working together to build their own relationship.

It is not a father-shaped repair, but a 'Salina-V compound that I hope will hold and give her support through her life - as the me-V compound I hold dear.

[AmyinMotown]

4.

OMG this post made me cry. I had (have) a wonderful father, he's one of my favorite people to this day. And I look at my friends whose fahers couldn't be bothered with them and see what great people they are and how much those bastards are missing out, and it makes me furious. Moreso now that I have a kid of my own--their love for their parents is so simple and really undemanding in a lot of ways. How anyone could walk away from that baffles me. Even if you don't want to be with your child's mother, DO NOT take that out on your kid. Do not walk away from your responsibility, because you hurt them so much and lose out on what could be your greatest joy.

[Meg]

5.

Oh, can't stop crying.

My dad died when I was 8. My heart will be contorted and it will hurt when my child is 8, and I see where I was again, in some way. This past year was the year I outlived my dad. That was really hard too.

We move on through it, like a tree grows around a cut through it's bark. Still living, but a changed shape. I think maybe that's okay.

You write beautifully, Cecily. Thank you.

[Sarah]

6.

So beautifully written.

I love you, Cec.

[ladykuri]

7.

OK I just had to explain to my 6 year old why I'm sitting here bawling. I so know what you mean about making sure the father of your child is not like your own. My father was a sleazeball...he was around until I was 12, but was never a part of my life, if that makes sense? Now seeing my hubby and his girls- dsd will be 12 soon, and she's so close to him despite the fact that he and her mother seperated when she was two...it just heals. It really does. It'll never fill that hole, but it can smooth it over.

Beautiful post, even if you did make my daughter think I'm nuts ;)

[Kayla]

8.

That's beautiful Cec. I am sitting here talking to my Dad on IM and thanking God that I have been blessed to have a relationship with him. I also feel blessed to have a husband that I know would never walk away from our children. Little girls would give the world for their Daddies, and when Daddy walks away it just breaks my heart.

[RainbowW]

9.

can't say i feel much for ya here hon. next time i have anything to do with my dad, i devoutly hope that it's that i get to be late to his funeral.

[Eva]

10.

I also got flack as a kid for my absent father (he moved as far away as he could, to Alaska, when my parents divorced). I guess maybe it's different now. And though I still had a relationship with my father, it's always been fraught. I really, really treasure how close my baby and my husband are. I can't imagine a separation to our threesome. Oh no.

[Susan D.]

11.

I have a mama-shaped hole in my heart - my mother died when I was six months old. I had lots of horrible powerful emotions from my daughter's age of about 4 to 10 months - terror that I would die unexpectedly, not for my own sake, but for fear that my daughter would grow up incomplete and flawed the way I did. It's still one of my greatest fears - that I will die before my daughter grows up, right behind my very greatest fear of something bad happening *to* her. Thanks for giving expression to your experience as a fatherless daughter; you have my best wishes for healing and happiness.

[Maura]

12.

Oh, Cecily...so beautiful. I cried.

There have been times when I thought it would have been easier if I had no dad around -- though my dad and mom were together, my dad's drinking meant he never really *could* be there, even though he'd be physically present. The worry and stress and, of course, absolute conviction that if I was just a better daugther, just more worthy of his love, then he would stop drinking -- well, that was sheer torture and certainly splintered my heart in many ways, fractures that have not healed.

But the blessing of taking care of my dad in his last year made me change my mind. I was lucky to have a flawed, alcoholic dad rather than no dad at all, and I know he loved me as best as he could. I loved him desperately and his absence in my life now is a tangible presence.

I SO appreciate your optimism and hope regarding healing broken hearts. I see you and Charlie and Tori and I think there may be a chance that this tired, bruised heart could find love someday like you did. Maybe. Just maybe.

[Ang]

13.

Wonderful post. Oh....dads... for me, it is a difficult topic to read about (but I loved your post). My father left us when I was 12 after years of abusing my mother and terrorizing us kids. Amazingly, I still looked up to him like he was a god, and wanted so very much to have his approval. He is still alive and I keep in touch with him sporadically because he is the only "father" I have ever known - and I still want his approval. I pretend the past did not happen and so does he. I haven't had the guts to confront him about the daddy-shaped hole in my heart but I hope I will someday. Facing infertility now, and the hope of parenthood, it's funny how these issues have resurfaced and are rearing their ugly heads with a vengeance.

Your post was beautiful and I believe the love you and Charlie share and are giving to Tori will help you heal. You have chosen and made the family that will not only fill your heart, but overflow all around you.

Ang

P.S. My vote is for Uppercase Woman.

[Shandra]

14.

This is a beautiful piece of writing.

[Kermit]

15.

Warm fuzzies for our shared connection: I sobbed when Jim Henson died, too.

I have a father-shaped hole in my heart for different reasons: he was physically there, but not emotionally. Now it's rare that he's there even physically (workaholic). He's missing out on his grandkids.

I'm not the greatest wife ever born (or made), but my amazing husband and I are committed to working things out as much as possible should a big problem ever arise, because neither of us wants to "leave" our great, great kids.

[Abigail]

16.

I know. I know exactly. Having children opens your wounds and heals you at the same time.

[Jo-Ann]

17.

Amazing piece of writing Cec.

[lauren]

18.

I have a daddy-shapped hole in my heart...and he's still around...15 mins down the road.

Its just that I don't see him...and he's fine with that. =(

[Whitney]

19.

Oh that was a beautiful, bittersweet post. My dad is the one person on earth I could be with 24-7 and never get tired of him. Luckily, I married a man just like him.......and I feel a huge need to go snuggle up to him :).

[Annie]

20.

Wow, this was brilliant. I too have a mommy and daddy-shaped hole after losing them much too young, but I am lucky to have a fantastic step-dad who(m?) I get closer too each year.

[revdrmom]

21.

I get sensitive about this topic b/c I have basically raised all four of my children without a father. Not by my choice, but that's how it worked out. Most things written about single parent homes end up at least implicitly blaming the mother for the kids' issues (not yours, Cecily). And I think my kids are all great people and reasonably well adjusted.

But I know that the oldest three at least have feelings about this. My older daughter struggles because she thinks she 'ought' to have a relationship with him, but he was so awful to her for a while that she doesn't really like him. My younger daughter married into the kind of family she always yearned for (large and close).

The Kid, now almost 16 hasn't seen his dad in 8+ years. He claims not to miss him--his dad left when he was not quite four and only ever maintained sporadic contact. I wonder how he will feel later.

Tori is lucky to have Charlie for a dad, and you're lucky to have him too.

[Elizabeth]

22.

This was really beautiful. And moving. Your writing has been great lately.
I too have that father shaped hole in my life and I've never known what to do about it. Someone told me recently that your view of God is your view of father. Since neither exists for me - that's really given me something to think about.

[Ally]

23.

I am experiencing something similar right now. Jamie is the age I was when my mother and I effectively disappeared, floating from house to house, my mom a drug addict who would leave me with "friends" for days. My first memory is of seeing her arrested for shoplifting. It culminated in an incident that finally prompted my grandparents and my father to take action, but it was a year before that happened.

Looking at Jamie, understand what a 3 yo needs, and finally realizing why, all these years later, this hole in my childhood still affects me, it's been hard. I'm angry. For myself, and for all the kids who don't get what they need and they deserve.

[CTG]

24.

Lobster is now the age I was when my parents got divorced. I guess technically my mom left my dad, but really it was for the best. He and I never had much of a relationship, and growing up it sometimes bothered me, but overall many of my friends (1980s) had divorced parents, we all were in brownies together, went to school together. I also don't remember ever living with my father. And I don't know how much he was around when I was little, whether any attachment really formed. But the lack of a relationship really bothered me in 2001 when he died because there was no longer any chance of a relationship, it was over. I was in the car with my step sister going to his funeral and she said to me "he was so proud of you and you being a lawyer, he told everyone how smart you were." My only response was "everyone except me." My dad wasn't a bad guy, he never beat anyone, he never emotionally abused anyone, I'm not sure if he ever said an unkind word about anyone. But he still wasn't a good father.

Luckily with my mom and both sets of grandparents and people from church I felt very very loved and very secure. So while I didn't have a dad to guide me, I had a lot of people looking out for me and keeping me in line.

I think it's great for you and Tori for you to explore and come to a resolution about your dad, even though it may be rough along the way. You have a husband that has your back every step of the way on this and all your journeys. You have your writing and this crazy wonderful audience. You have a wonderful beautiful daughter who loves you more than all the cheerios in the world! You'll be mended for sure.

[Shara]

25.

Thought I'd add my story to the list of dadless girls. My parents divorced when I was 5 mos old and I have only seen my dad a handful of times. My mom and I moved out of state and I didn't "meet" my dad until I was 5. My mom and I flew back to Texas and she told me that my dad would be the man in a white cowboy hat. Well, my 5 yr old self thought, if he's wearing a white hat, that must mean he's one of the good guys.

And he is. He's perfectly nice, a hard worker, a friendly neighbor, and a great husband to my stepmother (whom I truly like). I can see why my mom was married to him for 7 years and considered reconciling several times post-divorce. He just happened to choose to not be a dad to me and never has been.

He, himself, had a strained relationship with his own father, as well as a string of step fathers. My mom often used this to excuse him - trying to soften the his total absence in some way. I had always thought his own childhood would make him understand why it was so shitty to not make an effort to be a part of my life - he had had the same shitty dadless childhood, wouldn't that mean he'd try harder? But he hasn't. I've come to terms with the fact that our relationship will be akin to distant cousins - people you look like, don't really know all that well, but generally don't mind seeing every few years for coffee.

I guess because there is no history (good or bad) between us, and because I purposely waited until I had grown past the point of craving his approval or love, I've been able to get to know him on my own terms, at my own pace. I don't know that we'll ever really figure each other out, and that's OK. I don't have a dad, but there's a nice guy in Texas with the same face and hair as me who I talk to a few times a year.

PS: And I like Writ Large.

[Heather]

26.

Cecily,
I too grew up without my father, fortunately I lived in the home with my Grandfather who will always be Daddy to me. He died when I was fifteen. Ever since having my son, I keep having these clarifying moments, and realizations about everything growing up with out a father has done to me. I think I spent the first part of my marriage to my husband trying to bully him into leaving, typical behavior for fatherless girls. For a long time I had a really cynical view of the male species, so I am certain that God in his infinate wisdom sent me, my precious son to reform my opinion of them.

[JL]

27.

Jeez this post hit me in the gut. I'm a single mother of a little girl and this post broke my heart. I know she has that hole and I hate it - but there has been nothing I could do about it. He chose not to be in our lives from the minute I got pregnant. I haven't told her much about spermdonor because the more she knows the more (imo) it would hurt her (he has been married/divorced three times now and has kids with two of them - which he fully participates in their lives).

I have dealt with that little girl yelling at me because I did it backwards (had a kid without a husband). She's almost ten now and it breaks my heart to see how she looks up to men with adoration and in constant need of approval. I haven't dated much because I didn't want to confuse her or have her latch onto someone just to have them leave. Maybe I've been wrong to do that.

I have felt pain, sadness and extreme guilt over it all. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to find someone? Maybe I should have settled with a man just for her to have someone in her life? I don't know.

All I can do is love her the best I can and hope she can see that and find a peace with that. I hope and pray she can find a Charlie. Hell - I hope I can find a Charlie.

[Sara]

28.

Just my (not asked for) 2 cents but ... Please dont be mean to your husband - get help if you need it but lashing out at him will not solve the problem but may make more problems and kids can sense when there is tension. Even if he knows WHY you are doing it and it is NOT him, it still hurts and will hurt your marriage in the long run.

[Wendy]

29.

I am a fatherless daughter - though mine is still alive - we don't communicate. I have given up on ever having a relationship with him - so in my mind he is dead. But I still cry, just like you. When I see an adult daughter and her
Dad, and the bond they have - I hurt. There is nothing I can do about it, but be thankful for those that I do have (like my awesome sister). It is so important for children to have their dads - lucky Tori. You have given her the best gift of all - both parents. My life was shredded by my parents divorce - even though I was 3 or 4 then, and am 37 now - it still is the single biggest thing that has affected my whole life. And I am ashamed to say this - but I am glad I did not have a daughter - I was so afraid that I would be jealous of her having a father - that I would mess her up so bad - because of all the crap that I carry around.
You are not alone - and I know the sting of not having a dad, and unfortunately so do many others.

[Celeste]

30.

Amazing writing, Cecily. I really enjoyed it.

But can I also add that Tori is at the age where we had our most wrenching daycare drop-offs? Real "Sophie's Choice" re-enactments. They know who they belong to now and don't appreciate separation. But yeah, it would suck if she lost Charlie...totally suck.

[Robin]

31.

Thanks! I'm crying at my desk. (I've, also, have the violent femmes stuck in my head) I grew up with a single mom, too. So can relate greatly with all aspects of your post. When pregnant with our first girl I kept telling my husband that he "didn't know just how much it meant to me that our daughter would know him" That one sentence speaks volumes that I just can't put to words about fathers.

[Miss W]

32.

Yet another of the "fatherless" chiming in. A commenter above said maybe she should have settled so that her daughter could have a father -- and I have to say NO.

My mom didn't settle, but married a wonderful man -- he was (and is) a better dad than most. He's been with me for 25 of my 30 years. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I named my son after him. But it still eats at my soul that my actual father didn't care. He left when I was 2 and, though he lived 20 minutes away and worked IN MY TOWN, I rarely saw him. He didn't attend my dance recitals, plays, choir concerts or anything else. He didn't pay child support. He didn't care. And that's what messes me up the most -- my stepdad wasn't supposed to love me like he does; my "father" was.

And so, like you, when my husband and I argue or fight, it comes out. Many times during arguments, I've burst into tears and asked him to just divorce me and get it over with -- something I don't want or think will ever happen as we are actually very happy together 98% of the time.

I guess some wounds really never heal.

[Melissa]

33.

My dad was an active part of my life when I was a child. He was actually the custodial parent until I was 13, then he sent me to live with my mom and we haven't really been in contact since. It is a constant wound, not always on the surface but always there.

For a while I tried to contact him, but he showed me time and time again that he was just not that interested in me. The thing that got me is when I wrote him to tell him I had a daughter and he never responded. This hardened my heart towards him as nothing else could have done. Ignore me, fine. Ignore my daughter? Unacceptable. It showed me that there was never anything wrong with me, as I had always assumed--there was something wrong with him.

It is healing to give our children what we couldn't have. My daughter has an amazing dad and a wonderful grandpa on her dad's side, and I am thrilled for her. But I still get sad for myself sometimes.

[Julie]

34.

That photo nearly tore my heart out. {{{CEC}}}{{{CHARLIE}}}

[tracy]

35.

Good post Cecily, and you know how much I understand this topic.

I have the distinction of being deserted by both my bio dad AND the step dad who adopted me when I was two and then left when I was five. My mom sure could pick em. They both claimed later that my mother made it too difficult to see me, which was probably true too. Certainly this has affected me and my relationships with men, but I also know, especially after spending a bit of time with bio dad that I was better off not having a relationship with either of them.

When I recently called him to let him know that my mom had died, he didn't know who I was and I had to say my last name so that he would know who I was. I haven't had contact with him for almost 20 years and he never asked me anything about whether I was married or if I had kids or anything. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough and I couldn't bear to contact step dad and have to say my full name again.

I think parents who can leave their kids must have an even bigger hole in their heart.

[kheatherg]

36.

They say (Of which i dont have a clue who "They" are) that you tend to take out your feelings on those you love the most because there is a security there that you can jump up and down, scream and shout, and that person not leave you. (Even after you've been a shit head)

Maybe thats why you take it out on Charlie, because you love him so much........

Your a lucky woman, he loves you that much back!

xoxox,
hg

[Genie]

37.

I sobbed yesterday when I read this, then went home and dreamed all night those crazy, bittersweet (and all too rare) dreams of my dead father where it felt like he was actually visiting from beyond. You must be doing something right, my friend. Thank you.

[Catherine]

38.

I met my dad once, when I was 12. He was a junkie. I don't think I'm missing much.

[Melissa Garrett]

39.

My parents divorced when I was three. I've had two step-fathers since then. My mother's second husband was my step-father for 15 years. When they divorced, he divorced me too. My mother's third marriage ended after only a year ~ we all begged her NOT to get married. I was then 23, and I had my own marriage and children to deal with, so I wasn't broken up about that divorce.

My own dad, I haven't seen in close to 10 years. He's put up a barrier between us and no matter how much I try, he never responds. He told my younger half-sister that he thinks of me as a stranger (it's his own fault). He doesn't know my husband or any of my children. He's never acknowledged any of their births. I keep thinking I did something wrong, but it is totally him. I've stopped trying.

Luckily for me, I have a wonderful grandpa and FIL. They've been more of a father to me than anyone.

But still . . . that ache for my own dad doesn't ever really go away.

[Essie]

40.

Having not had a dad around when I was growing up, anything daddy-related gets to me. Beautiful post, Cecily. Tori is so lucky to have such wonderful parents. My dad walked out on my Mom when I was six, then proceeded to make our lives a living hell until he moved out of town when I was 11 or so. Then tormented me from 200 miles away until I was 18 and then thankfully moved halfway across the world and disappeared from my life forever. I was way better off, having a Mom who was a Mom AND a Dad and so much more.

[Essie]

41.

Oh, and of course he hardly paid child support (doesn't that go without saying?)

[legalmama]

42.

My father died when I was just five years old.

I felt profoundly different than other kids in school, and I don't think the school handled it well. It affected me in a very profound way. This past January 19, the 38th anniversary of my father's death, my son was 6 days short of the exact age I was when I lost my father. I wrote about it here. http://legalmama.typepad.com/legalmama/2007/01/index.html (I don't know how to link to the actual post, just the month, but there was one on 1/19 and one on 1/29)

It really did take having a whole family of my own to make me feel more whole in my own heart.

[kathleen999]

43.

My dad left when I was 9, and went from being a very loving and fun dad to being a reluctant and almost non-existent dad. And the last time I saw him was when I was 18. He doesn't seem to care much about us...he never writes, never calls. I've heard from him about 5 times since I was 18. Same with my sister. He just doesn't care enough to make the effort. And yet my stepsister (whom I have never met) emailed me that he is sad and lonely...WTF??

I have that same hole in my life. My husband helps, and being a mom helps, and my stepdad helps. But still...I will never get over it. I am done hating him, but I will always love him and miss him. It's an ache you never stop feeling. Thank God my husband will never ever leave our boys.

[Tuesday]

44.

Lovely.
I had a father growing up but it is as an adult I find myself fatherless. I miss him so very much and I never want my children to feel that pain ever in their lives.

[Lys]

45.

I am often moved by what you write and how you open yourself up. Today's post...I cried at work. It put into words what I am feeling.
My dad left when I was 3.5 my sister was a infant. I was a total daddy's girl and in pictures of that time you can clearly see my sadness. In the years since he started new families and has never been there, it is something that breaks my heart everyday
I have always been afraid of marriage and it took my husband YEARS to have me really open up to him.I always felt he would leave. I am now pregnant with our first child and so thankful my son will never know the pain of wanting someone who isn't/won't/can't be there.
But still sad for the little girl who still & probably always will want her dad.

[Ali]

46.

I don't have a father shaped hole in my heart - but I know people who do. Thank you. This helps me to understand them. It also makes me see how brave you are to confront this pain. I know, from those around me, that this is very hard to do.

[siobhan]

47.

I am actually surprised by the stats. I thought it would be much higher. It is kind of weird about the Jim Henson thing, b/c this guy I sort of know recently told me that he cried when he died. (I don't know if I have cried for a real person that I did not know that died. Characters, yes. Situations, yes. Anyway... I am babbling.) My parents divorced early & I'm sure it has affected me somehow. Again, I am surprised by the stats. Most of the parents I encounter via my job, are single .

[Amy]

48.

Beautifully said.

[amy]

49.

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/10/12/abortions-study.html

Totally off topic, sorry. But saw this and thought of you and your firm standing on womens rights (yeah, dammit!!)

[Amy]

50.

Beautifully said.

[mojavi]

51.

ditto

[kris]

52.

Ouch. That hit a little too close to home... but beautiful.

[Elizabeth]

53.

BEAUTIFUL post.

[persephone]

54.

I felt a chill of recognition-- only two days before I'd dumped Paul mercilessly, then let him walk about thirty feet away before running after him and begging him to take me back.

i myself felt a chill of recognition when i read this post, particularly this part. i, too, hope to one day find the strength to face these demons instead of allowing them to turn me into a monster who ruins her own relationships. thank you for writing something so moving!

[baseballmom]

55.

That was so moving, Cecily. I lost my dad to alcoholism in July, and before that our relationship was very strained...in fact, all my life it was. I never respected him, because he made such an ass of himself when he drank, and just couldn't quit, even after we did an intervention and he went to inpatient. It kills me to think that his substance abuse caused him to miss out on his grandkids (his only granddaughter was born 15 days after he died), and that they don't have him to look up to. He never really took an interest in me, my brother was always the golden child, but I still ache when I think of him alone at home, drinking himself to death at 65. Always wanted to be daddy's little girl, but never got the chance. Thank you for this post, it really hit home!

[Anne]

56.

This has come up in our family lately too. My husband didn't have a dad, and I'm so glad that my kids know their dad and that he's not going anywhere. I think it's been healing for him, in a way, to be the dad for them that he would have liked.

Of course the title of your post will have put the Violent Femme's in my head for at least the rest of the day. ;-)

[Beth]

57.

I suppose I'm one of the few lucky ones. My father left us when I was very small, younger than 3. I don't remember him at all. I don't remember having him around at all. Maybe I have a case of "well, I don't know what I'm missing", but I've never felt lacking. My mom and grandparents (her mom and dad) did an excellent job making life just normal. I was never picked on in school for not having a dad. It was just the way it was. And it was cool. At the father/daughter dinner when I was a Brownie Scout, my grandpa went with me and all the other scouts and their dads acted like it was the most normal thing. I never felt singled out.

My mom dated when I was younger, mostly before I started middle school but didn't date much after I was a little older. She did find a guy with potential to be a dad, and they even were engaged for a while. He was the father of an adult son. But for whatever reason it didn't work out and they didn't get married. I had just started to call him Dad, more because it was just a fun thing to do rather than because I wanted a father. When he left, I don't remember being overly upset or happy, either way.

Now I'm married to a wonderful guy. Funny thing is, we both grew up in single-mother households with lots of grandparent support. Neither of us knew our dads and neither of us are any worse off because of that. Maybe what helps the child of a single-parent the most is lots of grandparent attention.

[Courtney]

58.

Wow. This is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. I had an amazing, beautiful, perfect dad. He died in his sleep, unexpectedly, when I was 24. I have a dad-sized whole in my heart, to which I can attach fantastic memories, but the end result is the same as yours. He is gone.

I don't think he was the perfect husband, but he was an fantastic father. You are probably closer to understanding your issues with your dad than I am . Interestingly, my 2 sisters and I all married men who are fantastic fathers. We either yearn for what we want, or what we have had.