Halloween

It may have come to your attention that tomorrow is that crazy ass sugar-fueled holiday known as Halloween. We fully intend to take part since we are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood that is awesome for trick-or-treating and because, of course, I finally have a child to TAKE trick-or-treating. I fully intend for Tori to keep me stocked in candy for quite a while (what, I should let her eat it?). Heh.

I successfully beat down all of my impulses to dress Tori like a little princess (a daily battle, I assure you) and Charlie and I settled on this costume. It's adorable, seasonably appropriate, and (god forgive me) wholesome. Unless you think chocolate is evil, in which case we can no longer be friends.

Back in my single days, when I bothered to get dressed up for Halloween (ok, and even for a while after I wasn't single anymore), I had only one costume--something slutty in black. Witch, vampire, whatever--as long as I could wear dark lipstick, too much eyeliner, and show a ton of cleavage, I was happy. I loved having an excuse to put my junk all out there.

But I was in my twenties when I did that. Even in high school, I managed to keep my costumes low on the slut-o-meter.

But these days, costumes for girls have gotten out of hand. Mothertalkers recently had an entry where they discussed this. Have you seen these costumes? Like this one? Or this one? Does anyone seriously think it's a good fucking idea to dress a PRETEEN as a FRENCH MAID?

Mothertalkers links to this article in Newsweek that discusses the fact that the "sexy" costumes are being targeted to younger and younger girls. Even the firefighter costume comes with fishnets, apparently.

Holy fucking cow.

We at a weird place culturally. We are hypervigilant about pedophilia, even possibly fetishizing it in the media (seriously, doesn't anyone else find this television show kind of gross?). Don't get me wrong--I have no desire to return to the days when children who are victimized are told to be ashamed. I prefer our more honest society. But the idea of a bunch of TV producers sitting around a computer monitor pretending to be 14-year-old girls to lure older men to them for entertainment purposes seems... I don't know. Wrong, bizarre, and shameful.

But what is even stranger is that right when we are telling men that being attracted to young women is disgusting and criminal, consumer culture is telling us to dress our young girls more like adult women. So we dress up our 'tweens as college girls, and then punish men for thinking it's sexy. It's some sort of freakish disconnect.

It frightens me that Sarah's daughter, who is already taller than I am at 11 years old, has costumes like those to choose from. And looking at those costumes, it feels like girls are getting to spend less and less time being GIRLS and having to jump into being women that much earlier.

When I was ten years old, I was so completely unaware of myself as being anything other than a kid. It wasn't until I was 12 or so that the pressures to do things like wear makeup and put on disco-style dresses  with side slits (hey, it was the late 70's when I was 12) happened--and even that seems kind of young. Are girls today sneaking makeup on the school bus (ahem) at ten? Eight?

I find this all so frustrating. How am I going to raise Tori and allow her to spend a nice, long period of her life just being a kid instead of being a girl? Am I already starting this process when I buy her the jeans that have a flare at the cuff?

Ug. This is a tough time to raise a daughter in America, isn't it?

Comments

[Dea]

hmm when you figure it out, let us know. Right now I'm brewing a little girl, but I have her all safe until the middle of Feb. then golly, I'm lost.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

It's School Picture day here at the elementary school where I teach, and I was thinking similar things as I saw several girls in a second grade class wearing STOCKINGS and HEELS. The one child wearing tights stuck out like a sore thumb, yet she was the only one who was dressed like the little girl she was. One of the other girls may have had makeup on, too. It was so sad, especially knowing that the parents bought those clothes and approved of the outfit since it was for picture day.

[camille]

When I took my 13 year old daughter costume shopping we settled on a referree outfit with a dress and kneehigh socks. I ignored the whore in the picture that had EEE boobs and legs a mile long. I knew it wouldn't look the same on my 5'2 A cup daughter. Sure enough, looked cute with a tank top underneath and long black leggings too. Wasn't until we were driving home that we thought - OH HELL, WHAT WAS THAT NUMBER ON THAT OUTFIT'S POCKET????? Yep folks, 69. So... we got home I blacked out the numbers and sewed a batch over top of the numbers. We ended up with a cute costume but what a pain in the ass to get it from trampy to cute. Sheesh.

[Julie]

I couldn't agree with you more. I have 2 girls, ages 6 and 4. Trying to find modest clothes and swimwear is a nightmare. *sigh* I always end up buying shirts 2 or 3 sizes too big, so that they come down past their belly buttons, and aren't skin tight. And the pants!... Please someone, tell me where I can buy pants that come up high enough. Everytime my 4 year old bends over, we get a serious case of plumber butt. :(

I could have written Julie's comment myself. My 4- and 5-year-old daughters are dressing as a ladybug and a pink poodle, in Old Navy fleece toddler costumes that are just a tiny bit too short on both, because the costumes everywhere else (at least the ones affordable enough) were so freaking trashy. One of my girls dressed as Jasmine (from Aladdin) last year and I made her wear a long-sleeve t-shirt under her Jasmine belly shirt. She looked ridiculous but so was the costume!

I seriously need to learn how to use my sewing machine and start making some appropriate clothing for my girls.

[Candy]

It certainly is hard, if nigh on impossible, to raise a daughter in this society.

I was out yesterday afternoon trying to get my daughter a costume, because we just hadn't had time. I was taking pics of costumes with my phone and sending them to her. She's 17, overweight, and very self-conscious of it.

She said: "Mom, what do they have that's not too slutty?"

I spent 20 minutes looking through the store and replied: "Nothing. Not one costume."

She settled on cat ears and a tail, and will paint whiskers on her face. Again. For the 5th year in a row.

(Please don't ask me why a 17 year old even needs a costume. Mine is not to wonder why...)

[Jan]

Children's Place has cute stuff that is actually, you know, FOR CHILDREN. But it gets harder and harder to find.

I'm driven as crazy by the constant character bombardment as by the "juicy" pants for toddlers.

I love me some Halloween, in large part because I'm crafty (heh, first time I typed that, it came out 'crazy') and it's fun for me to make the costumes. I figure that'll give me a little more control over it for awhile. For now my 3 year old girl is still content to be Oscar the Grouch for Halloween, and we've got her little brother (almost 2) decked out as Slimey.

[Brandy]

I just read that article yesterday and was disgusted. I can't even begin to imagine dressing a little girl up like that. I have a baby boy (who is going to be Charlie Brown - unbeknownst to him of course, he's not quite 8 months old) and am glad I don't yet have a girl to worry about.

I know if I ever had a daughter I will have to fight this everyday. I am a very modest person and through my religion we also choose to be modest and wear certain clothing. When I look at little girl's clothes now I just think how trampy everything looks. How sad.

[Dana]

I personally think that the first and foremost thing to remember is who the parent(s) is/are - in my case, ME. *I* decide what my little girl wears or doesn't wear. If I don't like the "girly" jeans or tops, I head to the boy's section of the store. If I don't like the "slutty" girl costumes, I head to the boy costumes. OR I head to the thrift store - for either dilemma.

Nothing is a 'situation' unless you let it be one. I made it through childhood and puberty and adolesence and all that just fine WITHOUT all the Jordace jeans, Nike shoes and other name brand crap that was so 'important' in the late 70's and early 80's. Why? Because my mother said "no" and I never questioned her. I may be crazy, but I expect my children to do the same and thus far, they do. I know I'll have some fights on my hands as they get older, but I'd rather that than the alternative.

Oh, and my son is a cowboy this Halloween - jeans, boots, shirt with fringe, vest with fringe, hat (everything but the hat came from the thrift store, btw) and NO gun. How about that. And my daughter is a flower, because Dora the Explorer was a flower in a book we read - costume courtesy of a kid's clothing resale shop.

Cecily, if your blog is any indication, your daughter will grow up just fine, because you are her mother. Regardless of anyone, or anything, else.

And I love chocolate :)

[bluegirl]

i'm 28, and when i was in elementary school every girl i knew dressed up as julia roberts from pretty woman at least one time for halloween. that is, not a sexy cheerleader or a naughty nurse, a prostitute. i don't know what other parents thought of it, but i know my (extremely laid back and savvy) mom thought it was hilarious.
we were 9 or 10 or 11, we had seen our older brothers' playboys and knew what sex was, but had no real understanding that we were dressing as anything more than someone so BEAUTIFUL and seductive she could make richard gere fall in love with her. i doubt that most of the preteens/tweens who are choosing these costumes see themselves as highly sexualized as we do.

also, i find it interesting that most of the sexy adult costumes you see on commercial costume sites include petticoats, knee socks, ruffled panties-- all hallmarks of adolescence or girlhood. it's like regardless of age, we're all trying to look ~15 :)

i think there's a safe middle ground for young girls between cute and sexy-- if they want to look pretty but not slutty, what about a 40's pinup, audrey hepburn, or marilyn monroe? they're beautiful and iconic-- and are still seductive-- but don't necessarily show a lot of skin. (i know my references are dated, but i'm honestly having a hard time thinking of modern beauties/icons who are recognizable but not mostly unclothed. maybe gwen stefani?)

i think halloween affords concerned parents a great opportunity to discuss sexuality with their kids, not to mention spark their creativity. if storebought costumes are too revealing or too far from their/your comfort zone, what a great chance to try something new and make your own! i've always found halloween to be a great creative outlet-- this year i am a LOLcat (www.icanhascheezburger.com)-- couldn't find that in stores :)

[thrice]

yes, or how do we raise our sons not objectify girls and women? It's tough, but I'm determined to raise my sons to respect women. And, it's one of the reasons that I'll have to leave my husband.

[Janet]

As the mother of 3 girls (4yo, 2yo and 9mo), I am dreading the coming years! It's not just the USA where this trend is occurring - the UK and Australia are also up there. You can't get away from it! Someone even pointed out the other day that one of the children's shoe stores here in Australia was selling sandals with a 1-inch+ heel in TODDLER sizes.

I remember my mother being very strict about what I wore, and me hating it! And here I am planning to be just like that with my own girls...now I see where she was coming from.

Long live childhood!

[Sarah]

It is scary, but not impossible. Thank God my daughter isn't interested in looking like a skank. She looked SO sweet and nice for her school dance Friday night.
Yes, she wore stockings and low heels, but still respectable.

I know Tori won't fall into the mass mentality because she has you and Charlie as parents.

[Ashley]

bluegirl: (disclaimer: 23 and childless) I've noticed for awhile that our ideal is essentially the 15 year old girl. I believe the big cause behind the "obesity epidemic" (which doesn't exist...at a size 8-10 I'm almost obese, and it's people like me who are messing up those statistics) is that we believe 16 year old girls are the pinnacle of womanhood. People seem to think that all women can stay that size, and if they aren't, well, it's their fault. There's a reason why your average 30 year old doesn't look like your average 16 year old, and it's not having children. Our hormones change, and suddenly boobs and hips grow; it's a second puberty! I should know, I just went through it....

Also, there's always gory costumes for older kids. I was things like a headless person, a zombie, a vampire, etc. when I was a preteen/teenager. I had a lot of fun with those costumes, and still pick creepy/gory stuff for Halloween.

Oh, and just because a costume shows skin doesn't mean it's trying to be sexy. I'm a huge Rent fan, and junior year of high school I dressed up as Angel, who just so happens to be a drag queen. There's no way to pull of drag queen when you're a female without looking like a whore, and so I wore a short skirt and colorful wig, etc. But I looked like Angel, damnit, and it was an awesome costume.

I think the intention is important, and those costumes are clearly trying to be sexy, and therefore wrong.

[melissa Gaul]

I have no idea how to raise a daughter in this society, and I'm raising 2. My 13-year-old, bless her heart, is anti-makeup. She wears clothes that she likes and is comfortable in. Last year she dressed as Mario (Video Game character Mario, yes). This year, its Jamie from Mythbusters. (Don't ask how this happened. I have no clue - but I am sitting here at work in a t-shirt and jeans, no makeup, and comfy shoes :-) )

My younger, 5, is going as Princess Leia. (It was either that or a Power Ranger). She's the one I worry about more, because she already loves to shop, especially for shoes, and is more influenced by people around her. She has more of a need to be social and accepted than her older sister.

[Tiffany]

I have to admit that my daughter is the one in the princess outfit!! Actually this year she is going to be a pumpkin. I tried to recycle last years outfit but could not find it so I ran to Walmart (small town and only place to buy a custom on short notice) and all we could find is the pumpkin - I hope it fits! I can't wait to see pictures of Tori as a Hersey Kiss - that is tooo cute - almost as cute as a little princess! LOL

Tori will look adorable as a Hershey Kiss! My little one is dressing as a monkey but won't be trick or treating this year since he is too young.
BTW..25 years ago I went trick or treating as a french maid.

[jeanie]

Its all over the western world, unfortunately!

Yesterday at Girl Guides we had 20 girls dressed up - 18 as witches, 1 vampire and a fairy (we don't do Halloween very well here!)

[ASM]

What I don't understand is the increasing absence of outfits for little girls that don't just look like miniaturized women's outfits. I remember when I loved to dress in little-girl dresses. I don't know that I could have FOUND an outfit that was more appropriate for my mother if I'd tried (this might be nostalgia/ignorance/faulty memory on my part). I remember when I first fit into a ladies' size 5 shoe for the first time, and had to BEG to wear shoes with a 1 1/4" heel.... along with my white little-girl stockings, calf-length little-girl dress, and an undershirt beneath it all, of course. I was ten. It was 1987.

Times sure have changed.....

[Shara]

I totally agree about sexing up the little girls - it's way too much too young. What happened to plain old t-shirts and jeans without all the low cut necks, ruched fronts, flares, and tight fit?

I'm also laughing so hard right now because the only one of my friends to dress as a french maid when we were preteens was a boy - he put on false eyelashes, a wig, fake boobs, stockings and heels - the works. Looked awesome and we're still making fun of him 15+ years later.

[Eva]

I agree that the commercial costumes are crazily inappropriate, and I think it's just horrible that apparently there's a big market for them. What are those parents, who are the ones paying, thinking? That said, I have never worn nor bought a pre-made costume. I actually was unaware until I had a child that this was the norm nowadays. We always just whipped something up from stuff around the house, and so far that's what I've done with my child. This way it's really easy to avoid this problem!

[revdrmom]

Whatever happened to witches and gypsies and ghosts and cartoon characters and robots and Star Wars and Harry Potter? Ack. I'm glad my daughters are grown.

And I think Tori's costume is precious.

[bh]

I'm looking forward to seeing pictures of Tori in her totally appropriate, wholesome, Hershey Kiss costume! I'm glad I had boys and they are several years past my having to make these tough decisions! But I do remember those fun trick or treat nights!!!!! And enjoy all that candy!

[Michelle]

Check this out: http://www.spirithalloween.com/Girls-Costumes_Classic-Costumes/Purrty-Kitty-Child-Costume

I had to veto it for my SIX YEAR OLD (it is a "pretty kitty" costume - a strapless pink furry mini dress!) You will notice it starts in size 4-6! They had no normal cute cat costumes past toddler size, after that they were all "sexy".

It kind of sickens me - who buys this crap for little girls? Can't we all agree not to buy these costumes and maybe they will stop selling them?

[Susie]

For the past two years, my kids have wanted to dress up together. Last year, they were the king and queen from a chess set. (Weird, I know...) This year, my 8-year-old son wanted to be a mad scientist with his little sister as his potion. She nixed that. His next idea was that he be Albert Einstein and she be the theory of relativity. I kid you not. Anyway, she shot that down, too. She's had the same idea since August for her costume: a purple sea star. (They're not called starfish anymore because they're not FISH! Ahem.) I'm proud of her creativity, but damn, that was a serious pain in the ass to make. I'm grateful, though, that she hasn't yet fallen prey to the Disney Princess Empire.