Same War, New Battle

Tori is at that age; the age when a toddler climbs up onto her mom and cuddles up on her mommy's lap. Only there's one problem:

I don't have a lap.

I've always carried my weight in my belly. Technically, I'm more pear than apple, however, twenty five years of weight swings (some topping 150 pounds), two pregnancies, and that bastard gravity has left me with a large flap of belly fat. When I sit, I look pregnant. Only about ten inches of my thighs is available for Tori's squirmy little butt.

If I was wealthy, I would go--tomorrow--to every single plastic surgeon I could find until I could talk one into removing that belly flap. I would like nothing better (OK, maybe a pro-choice, pro-gay-marriage, pro-environmental democrat in the White House) than having a normal-sized belly. Even if every other part of me has to stay fat.

I have made no progress in the battle to lose weight since Tori's birth. I spent a brief period counting points, and another period giving up certain foods for both dietary and migraine-fighting reasons, but I haven't maintained the change. Other than the initial 40 pound loss after her birth, I'm the same weight I was when I got pregnant with her, and that is more than I want to weigh.

The truth is, I do not want to diet. For a million reasons, but the main one? Because it doesn't fucking work. Not permanently, anyway. Never permanently. The weight always finds me, and it's found almost every single friend of mine that's lost it.

I spend a fair amount of time reading fat acceptance blogs. They are quite fascinating; they often point out research that shows that being fat is not the death sentence the media makes it out to be, and that folks that are fat can be healthy, fit, and active. They also teach me a great deal about trying to learn to love and trust your body, and help me retain a rational attitude about fatness in the face of a media that is screaming at me--constantly and at full volume--that I am an ugly loser that is about to die. (For an example of the good fat acceptance can do, check out Kate Harding's Illustrated BMI photo project--view it as a slide show for full effect).

But I can't find a way to just accept my body as it is. I always place conditions. "Body," I say, "I'll love you when I lose 100 pounds." Or, "I'll love you when I have a flat belly." Or, "I'll love you when you get back in shape."

For many years I was able to maintain a positive attitude about my body because I knew I was fit. But you know what? That was over THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO. I am not the same woman that hiked every weekend. I'm older, I'm more fat, and I'm more goddamn tired. My body is not being treated well by me and it shows.

The problem is, I don't know what to do. Here are the various ideas I have, in no particular order:

• Win the lottery so I can hire a private chef and a trainer.
• Never eat out again.
• Never eat sugar or flour again (I did this for two years--it worked, but I was NUTS)
• Go on some magic combination of pills that prevents me from wanting to eat. Ever.
• Win lottery and get the fat all surgically removed.

Note that nowhere on that list is "begin eating more healthily, and start exercising." I am so fucking exhausted with picking my fat ass up by the flabby handles and changing my whole fucking life to lose weight for a few months or, possibly, even a year or two. IT. NEVER. LASTS.

Some of you are probably already heading down to the comments section to suggest gastric bypass surgery. Sure, it's an option. I'm sure I could get my insurance to cover it. I know it has worked for some people--that many feel it was just the miracle they needed. But it's not for me; to me it feels like self mutilation (please forgive me, bypass supporters--I mean no judgment).

There is nothing wrong with how my body digests food. There is no need for me to undergo a surgical operation to correct it.

Honestly? I'd be more likely to consider electric shock therapy. The problem is not in my body, folks. It's in my brain.

I am not radically altering the way my body functions to be thin (note: I do see the irony that I would pursue plastic surgery but not gastric bypass. I do have my reasons--plastic surgery is a on the surface, and doesn't radically change how your body processes food, so it seems slightly less invasive. Plus, I'm kidding about getting plastic surgery--mostly). Truthfully, I don't have enough of a reason to go that route yet. My cholesterol is awesome, my blood pressure low, my blood sugar is normal. I have no physical barriers to exercise. A surgical solution is not for me, not right now (fat hysteria people are all now shouting, NOT YET! Because fat people are ticking time bombs, just ask any media anything anywhere and a lot of doctors that read studies funded by the billion dollar diet industry--one of the only industries that makes a ton of money yet has a 95% failure rate. Ahem.).

I'm not going to fill this post with empty promises, as I've done so many times before. I am tired of making resolutions and making changes. Instead, I'm going to only try one tiny trick (learned again from Kate Harding) called "demand feeding" (she explains it well here). I am not going to restrict anything, but I am going to try to develop the habit of listening to my body to see what I'm actually hungry for (I did this on Saturday and ended up at Mickey D's instead of its rival because I knew they had a better salad--but I still had fries. Eh, it's an improvement). I am going to try for feeling better, instead of looking better.

Now that the weather is changing (sort of) to cooler temperatures, exercise is more likely. We went hiking on Saturday (Tori walked almost a mile, we think, between turns in the backpack), and I hope to do that again sometime this week. But no pressure. Pressuring myself, beating myself up, all that shit--it gets me nowhere, just back to fatness, with even more self hatred.

I don't know if I'll ever find my lap for Tori. We've found plenty of ways to cuddle around my big belly (she's fond of resting her head on a boob), so I don't think she'll love me any less for not having it. But if you meet some plastic surgeon that wants to do a free tummy tuck? Well, feel free to give him my number.*

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Many of you may have read Patty's comment to my last post. Patty's husband died in his sleep on Monday; he was 37, and they don't know why. She has two boys, a three-year-old and a six-week-old (six! weeks!). You can read more about her husband here. He sounds like an amazing man, and I'm so sorry I never got a chance to know him. Please keep her in your prayers, will you?

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On a slightly more cheerful note, here are some awesome photos of Tori at the park (here is the full set if you want to see a million more).

*Please, for the love of God, do not post links here about how being fat is going to kill me. Do not link to obesity studies. If you do, I will never, EVER, post photos of Tori again. I swear. You think I don't hear the news about being fat? Come on. I live in the US. I own a television. I do not need to hear it again from you. Thank you.

Comments

[Holly]

I agree with you about the weight loss surgery. I have no judgement on others, but for me it isn't the answer because I'm an emotional eater. I would find a way to eat no matter what. If it were to be successful for me, I would be concerned about the dramatic weight loss which often requires surgery to remove all the excess skin.
I'm currently on a bit of a healthy lifestyle kick and I don't have any advice to give that you haven't heard a thousand times before. The big change for me is that I finally understand the whole 'exercise makes you feel good' thing that everyone else always talked about. Exercising and eating well really goes hand in hand for me so now that I am doing a good 40 minutes of exercise a day it makes me want to eat well so that the day is a total success.
The one thing I am finding helpful for changing my eating habits is to select two things I want to eat, look at the calorie content and compare the serving quantities for an equivalent amount of calories. I worked out I could have 7 country cheese biscuits for the same amount of calories as 1 Tim Tam and I realised the cheese biscuits would be much more filling. Then I don't eat the full amount of the serving. I might have 4, 5 or 6 biscuits. It means I am cutting back on small amounts of calories every time I eat and it is helping.
Best of luck to you, Cecily. I'm sure you've tried everything. I often say that we big girls know as much about dieting as nutritionists. We don't need to be educated about dieting. It's dieting that got us there in the first place.

[Nicole]

I think you need to do whatever is right for you.

If it means feeling better, then by all means, do it for yourself. And Tori. :)

[Anne]

If you ever figure out how to get rid of the mama apron (that's what I call it) please let me know.

In the meantime I try to remember that, despite what Hollywood says is beautiful, I've always been attracted to above average sized personalities and women. I see extra weight, like food, being comforting and warm. I'm kind of an earth mother type at heart and think there's something just right about a padded mommy. And that's how I like to think of myself.

I mean, it sure beats lamenting the size of my butt in the Target mirror, right?

[Sherry]

Being fat DOES NOT always mean UNHEALTHY.

I'm a size 18/20 and MUCH healthier (blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, flexibility, heart condition) than many of my skinnier friends.

[4katnap]

Can I just say I hear,understand and cry along with you? At aproximatly 100lbs overweight I'm having the same issues. A friend recently referedme to a website I'm thinking makes sense but I haven't totally committed to it. If I do try it and it works for me I'll share. Mostly it's a plan that envolves mental and motivational work couple with any diet (2 actually) that you choose. I'm thinking the mental health aspects and habit changes are the parts that sort of attracts me. the fact tha it envolves the D!@t word is the part that repells me. Unfortunatly I can't really say that my weight isn't a major health factor for me. Didn't stop me from making fudge today though.(stress eating in the extreme)

I'll let you know if working on teh thought processes helps.

HUGS from a fellow lapless mom.

[Dea]

The BMI pictures made me so mad! The BMI scale is stupid and outdated! I hate that everytime I go to the doctors they calculate it, lable me and lecture me. They don't take my fat percentage into consideration, at all! Sigh. I loved that one of the pictures was of a triathlete who was "overweight". Stupid outdated system.
Funny, Canadian doctors don't lable you like that.

[JK]

I agree with you...Diets don't work. Eating healthy does. (I remember when you spoke about cooking more healthy foods and how you didn't even want fries. I cheered you on!)

I disagree with you about exercise. I think everyone, myself included, could do more muscle increasing types of exercise and reap many metabolic-boost rewards. Fact: muscle burns more calories than fat. That's all I'm saying. No judgement, no advice, just a fact.

[Hetty_Fauxvert]

I sympathize... I am "only" about 30 lbs overweight but it's 30 lbs that seems to have moved in to stay! My dad lost 30 lbs on the South Beach Diet last year and has kept it off, basically by eliminating white bread (and really, most bread of whatever color), white potatoes, and white rice from his diet. It doesn't seem to be a hardship for him. I think men are wired differently from us....

Uh, btw, hate to mention this but "one of the only" is actually a nonsensical phrase and as such, should be eschewed. (Don't you just love the word "eschewed?" It totally doesn't sound like what it means.) One can say "one of the few" or simply "the only," but there is no such thing as "one of the only." Just sayin'.

[RainbowW]

how about the studies that show that semen acts as an antidepressant, and women who have unprotected sex have lower incidences of depression than women who use rubbers or who keep their pants on?

or my favorite for this month: the one that shows that titty dancers make more money when they're fertile than when they're not, and the ones who don't use the pill make more money overall than those who do?

are those kinds of studies okay? ;-)

[Wabi]

I was extremely healthy (good weight, lots of exercise, pretty good diet) before I had kids. But I cannot believe some of the crap I eat now, and what a couch potato I turned into. So it's not just you, who had food issues from earlier in life. It's me too, and I had ok habits for 32 years. I think there is something fundamentally broken about the way most people in the US end up living, more by outside force than choice, when they have small children.

With me I know the key to all of it is sleep. I haven't had what I considered a normal night's sleep (prekids) in over four years. My "sleep deficit" is surely into the thousands of hours at this point.

Sure, I don't get up four times a night EVERY night, but with two kids, one bout of colds can easily put me into the position of doing just that for a week or two at a time. And by the time the kids are well again I'm so run down that I get sick, and then I am so behind work from taking care of the kids earlier that I can't take more time off for me, and usually just grit my way through it.

Until I am less tired, I don't really see myself doing many power walks or counting calories. Someday, hopefully. But right now it just seems ludicrous to contemplate.

[illahee]

i hear you. it's so hard, isn't it?

[Tertia]

Just wanted to tell you how much this post moved me. I can hear your frustration and I feel for you. I wish there was an easier way.

Sending you lots and lots of love.

Patty, if you read this - you might find Snickollet's blog interesting or helpful. Her circumstances were slightly different, but she was widowed with baby twins.

[Beth]

Gorgeous family! Tori's huge personality really comes through in the photos and the three of you look like you are really enjoying life together.

I have no idea what to say about losing weight, etc. I wish I knew the answer for myself but I don't.

[Alexs]

I just started a Healthy Weight program at the local grocery store. It's great! It's run by a dietician and it is free :) Can't beat that. Every week for 10 weeks we meet and learn new things about eating by Canada's Food Guide, portion control, overcoming obstacles etc. So far it's inspiring. We set goals for our selves each week. I find it really helpful as it is not a diet but a food lifestyle makeover really. Because it takes place over 10 weeks it is not info over load and the changes are manageable every week. We also learned that the safest way to loose weight and keep it off is to loose a .5 pound a week. That's only a reduction of 125 calories a day and burning 125 calories a day in exercise. I'm trying not to focus on the weight loss, just the healthy eating and fun exercise and hope the weight loss will be a VERY HAPPY byproduct!!!

[Elena]

Here's something I'm thinking about now Cecily. My kids are all runners. My two oldest could easily do a 5K, my middle kids can do a mile or two. They want to run and on the off season I feel funny about letting them run alone... so...I'm taking up running. And I know the first couple of times I looked kind of pathetic but I'm getting distance. My hope is that maybe we can do a family relay sometime.

But the real incentive for me isn't JUST my own fitness, but being able to participate with my kids and set the example especially for my girls.

[Celeste]

I could have written your post. Truly.

Thoughts:

1. Fashion is all about the belly for women. You can have big hips and thighs and butt and still find flattering things. But if you're all about the belly, it's like they just give up on you.

2. I would go the tummy tuck route ($6K) but I would never go the gastro route. My stomach isn't broke. I wouldn't even say my brain is broke. I gain better and lose slower than just about anybody. If anything, my metabolism is broken. There's no surgery for that.

3. Look at all of the people who had gastro surgery who ended up alcoholic. Carnie Wilson, with a husband and baby to love, fell into this trap. I couldn't handle the risk of putting my head someplace where it seemed like drinking was the answer.

4. I figured out quickly that I do NOT, NOT, NOT want to raise a daughter to believe that all she has to look forward to is eventually having to be "on a diet". It is not possible to be on a strict lowcarb diet with a child who wants to feed you some of her Cheerios. Or whatever. It is kind of crazy for the whole family to have a different meal at home while mom has diet food. Throw in some picky eating on anybody else's part and it becomes impossible to get a meal on the table. Who wants to live like that?

5. Get ready for how you are going to talk to Tori about weight and diet. The questions come sooooooooo much sooner than you would ever expect. Little Missy just last week, said, "what's a diet?". For once I was ready and said it's the foods you eat--some are for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, etc... and that's your diet". Regarding body size, I am trying to be matter-of-fact and say, "people come in lots of shapes and sizes don't they". I mostly do not want her falling into a trap about thinking she can control her body shape/size to some degree that isn't possible. You CANNOT just decide to have this one's thighs or that one's butt or whatever. I'm wondering if there is a way to tie it into her teacher's kindergarten mantra: "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit". It's good advice for me as well!

Keep on keepin' on, Cecily. Acceptance is a process.

[Shazamama]

My daughter is now 6 - and though other kids have commented on my weight (one of the comments I actually liked was when my friend's daughter said I was like a pumpkin!) my daughter had never said anything. But she notices everything so right or wrong I asked her once what she thought about my body. She said that she wished I was less chubby so that I could get up and down and run around more easily. I surprised myself by not breaking down crying. It was just true, no judgements, no deep psychological pain.

I've never been addicted to alcohol or drugs, but sometimes I just feel like such an addict. I hear addicts say things about substances and I feel like I can fill in "food" for their poison. This may seem way off base to you, but I don't know how else to explain to people (read: my mom) why I can't get this under control. The drive to eat sometimes is so overwhelming it's scary. I've never purged, but I understand why people do (in a twisted way.)

I'm trying the psychologically healthy route. Talkign to a therapist about anger and self-loathing and all that good stuff in an attempt to learn how to cope better. I don't want to accept this weight and I do have health issues that make it more critical. Plus, I DO want to run around and jump up and down with my kids and I can't do that at this weight.

THanks for sharing. It does help to know there are others struggling out there!

I do have an image in my head of how I want it to be. Not skinny, but healthy and not dependent upon food to elevate my mood or cope with my emotions. I want to eat what I want, but in healthy portions and I want to feel good. I figure as long as I can actually visualize this life, there's hope.

[Kel]

I have been at least sixty pounds overweight for the last oh 15 years. Coincidentally, my oldest child is 15!

My most successful attempt at weight loss occured for a couple of reasons. First, I am lazy, so I needed motivation. Some other moms started meeting early on Sunday mornings to walk together. If I said I was going to be there, I had to go. That got me started walking. At first I couldn't walk much without wheezing. Eventually I could do a few miles a couple times a week and not even need to use my inhaler!!

I also decided to stop eating meat and fish. The discipline required to do so showed me that I could enact positive change for myself. On the heels of that success I cut out white flour products and cut way back on the use of sugar- even in a spaghetti sauce.

Lastly, I have stopped buying as much junk food. If it's not here I can't eat it. I have managed to lose 30 pounds and I have kept it off for over a year. I made the changes slowly, so that they were manageable and doable long term. Last winter was the first in my adult life that I didn't gain any weight!

I don't care what I look like or if anyone else thinks I am fat. I had just gotten to the point where I wanted to make the change for my health, before I turned forty. It's something I want to do for me. I never had that motivation before on unsuccessful attempts.

One last thought. At this point I don't even want to lose any more weight because the tummy flap just deflates, but it doesn't go away without surgery- something I couldn't afford.

[Robin]

Funny, you posted on a subject that I had just recenetly been dealing with myself again!

Before my first pregnacny I was in the best shape of my adult life. I was still big, but a very healthy big. That was all acheived by yoga, stationary bike and portion control. Never denied myself anything. Of course, now that I've had two babies and gained alllll my weight back, I just don't know how to get started again. I don't want to diet either, I don't want to give up any foods I like. I don't want to give up my only little luxury that I have right now. Saying that, I have been trying to get out of my head and not worry about it so much.

What sucks is I know what worked for me last time. Just don't have the time for it with 2 kids now. So. Where do I go from here?

[dawn]

Yo -- you are awesome. I've got no answers for you but that's ok because you didn't ask. I've always been one to pretty urgently want to feel good about my body no matter how fat it happens to be at the moment but since breaking my toe, I'm really annoyed and unhappy about it. I've gained weight, I'm way less fit and if my shinsplints hurt this bad at 37 3/4, I'm gonna be in a helluva lotta pain when I'm 57 3/4. I find it depressing.

[Wendy]

Love that BMI calculator slide show. It makes me realize how much I judge myself by other people's standards.
I know how you feel - I will never diet again. I can't even get to the losing weight part of it - thinking about dieting makes me want eat like a crazy person. But wouldn't it feel fabulous to accept and love yourself exactly how you are - physically. I don't even know if thin people do that.

[Ali]

I have food issues myself although I've never had to lose a large amount of weight. For me it's my immune system - I've had a host of health problems starting at age 25 that only seem to be curbed with a change of diet. I have also gone on the roller coaster - diet, feel better, once I feel better I start eating the really yummy stuff, and then health problems return. I don't really have an answer except I know I am only successful when I have a little guardian angel by my side. A doctor, a nutritionist or peers that are on the same page. Otherwise I have found it really hard to follow through. I made some dietary changes before my daughter was born and I think this helped me to conceive. But now that she is born, all I want to do is eat cupcakes.

[Cece]

Cec -

You know - one of your responses to a comment I left her prompted me to switch REs. I want to thank you for that first off. I've changed from an asshole who not only brought up my wieght in every single visit, but even on phone conversations, to a new doc who ROCKS and says my weight is fine.

I'm in shape. I did a IRONMAN triathlon at a BMI of 35. I work out 5 times a week. And I'm a size 18/20. Screw them all.

And there is no way on god's green earth that I would ever, EVER get gastic bypass. I like myself and eating too much for that. Could you imagine going to thankgiving dinner, and eating a pea and being full. Hell no.

Keep on keeping on. You rock.

[Mrs. A (Terry)]

I am trying to lose 50 pounds right now.

Because I have crossed over into that area of merely overweight into the land of obese. (According to the BMI charts & such).

I'm riding a friggin' stationary bike about 5 times a week -- and it sucks. Exercise sucks, there's just no other way to put it. But I wanted to start somewhere, to at least get off my ass & do something.

I refuse to diet. I like eating & cooking good food too much to give it up. But I am trying to not eat as much & I am trying to get rid of the crap food I eat.

I've been doing this nearly 7 weeks and I swear I've maybe lost 5 pounds. At most. And that bullshit about feeling better physically when a person exercises regularly? When does that happen because I feel as crappy as I always have.

When I first started all this, I was actually thinking I'd lose all the weight by Christmas. Christmas! I'll be lucky if I lose a good portion of this weight by this time next year. It is just a long, slow, frustrating process that often doesn't seem worth the time & effort.

But I'll keep at it because, like you, I am unable to find it within myself to accept how my body looks. I think it's because I remember how it once looked and I am angry with myself for lettingbit get to where it's at.

You'll probably hit that point where you'll start being active again -- Tori is so little and takes up so much of your energy right now -- you may not start being as active as you'd like until she's a little older. And you're right -- dieting is just depriving yourself & it never works so why bother?

Let us know if you find that magic pill that makes us feel good about the bodies we have -- because I sure am not able to "talk" myself into it no matter how freaking hard I try.