Same War, New Battle

Tori is at that age; the age when a toddler climbs up onto her mom and cuddles up on her mommy's lap. Only there's one problem:

I don't have a lap.

I've always carried my weight in my belly. Technically, I'm more pear than apple, however, twenty five years of weight swings (some topping 150 pounds), two pregnancies, and that bastard gravity has left me with a large flap of belly fat. When I sit, I look pregnant. Only about ten inches of my thighs is available for Tori's squirmy little butt.

If I was wealthy, I would go--tomorrow--to every single plastic surgeon I could find until I could talk one into removing that belly flap. I would like nothing better (OK, maybe a pro-choice, pro-gay-marriage, pro-environmental democrat in the White House) than having a normal-sized belly. Even if every other part of me has to stay fat.

I have made no progress in the battle to lose weight since Tori's birth. I spent a brief period counting points, and another period giving up certain foods for both dietary and migraine-fighting reasons, but I haven't maintained the change. Other than the initial 40 pound loss after her birth, I'm the same weight I was when I got pregnant with her, and that is more than I want to weigh.

The truth is, I do not want to diet. For a million reasons, but the main one? Because it doesn't fucking work. Not permanently, anyway. Never permanently. The weight always finds me, and it's found almost every single friend of mine that's lost it.

I spend a fair amount of time reading fat acceptance blogs. They are quite fascinating; they often point out research that shows that being fat is not the death sentence the media makes it out to be, and that folks that are fat can be healthy, fit, and active. They also teach me a great deal about trying to learn to love and trust your body, and help me retain a rational attitude about fatness in the face of a media that is screaming at me--constantly and at full volume--that I am an ugly loser that is about to die. (For an example of the good fat acceptance can do, check out Kate Harding's Illustrated BMI photo project--view it as a slide show for full effect).

But I can't find a way to just accept my body as it is. I always place conditions. "Body," I say, "I'll love you when I lose 100 pounds." Or, "I'll love you when I have a flat belly." Or, "I'll love you when you get back in shape."

For many years I was able to maintain a positive attitude about my body because I knew I was fit. But you know what? That was over THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO. I am not the same woman that hiked every weekend. I'm older, I'm more fat, and I'm more goddamn tired. My body is not being treated well by me and it shows.

The problem is, I don't know what to do. Here are the various ideas I have, in no particular order:

• Win the lottery so I can hire a private chef and a trainer.
• Never eat out again.
• Never eat sugar or flour again (I did this for two years--it worked, but I was NUTS)
• Go on some magic combination of pills that prevents me from wanting to eat. Ever.
• Win lottery and get the fat all surgically removed.

Note that nowhere on that list is "begin eating more healthily, and start exercising." I am so fucking exhausted with picking my fat ass up by the flabby handles and changing my whole fucking life to lose weight for a few months or, possibly, even a year or two. IT. NEVER. LASTS.

Some of you are probably already heading down to the comments section to suggest gastric bypass surgery. Sure, it's an option. I'm sure I could get my insurance to cover it. I know it has worked for some people--that many feel it was just the miracle they needed. But it's not for me; to me it feels like self mutilation (please forgive me, bypass supporters--I mean no judgment).

There is nothing wrong with how my body digests food. There is no need for me to undergo a surgical operation to correct it.

Honestly? I'd be more likely to consider electric shock therapy. The problem is not in my body, folks. It's in my brain.

I am not radically altering the way my body functions to be thin (note: I do see the irony that I would pursue plastic surgery but not gastric bypass. I do have my reasons--plastic surgery is a on the surface, and doesn't radically change how your body processes food, so it seems slightly less invasive. Plus, I'm kidding about getting plastic surgery--mostly). Truthfully, I don't have enough of a reason to go that route yet. My cholesterol is awesome, my blood pressure low, my blood sugar is normal. I have no physical barriers to exercise. A surgical solution is not for me, not right now (fat hysteria people are all now shouting, NOT YET! Because fat people are ticking time bombs, just ask any media anything anywhere and a lot of doctors that read studies funded by the billion dollar diet industry--one of the only industries that makes a ton of money yet has a 95% failure rate. Ahem.).

I'm not going to fill this post with empty promises, as I've done so many times before. I am tired of making resolutions and making changes. Instead, I'm going to only try one tiny trick (learned again from Kate Harding) called "demand feeding" (she explains it well here). I am not going to restrict anything, but I am going to try to develop the habit of listening to my body to see what I'm actually hungry for (I did this on Saturday and ended up at Mickey D's instead of its rival because I knew they had a better salad--but I still had fries. Eh, it's an improvement). I am going to try for feeling better, instead of looking better.

Now that the weather is changing (sort of) to cooler temperatures, exercise is more likely. We went hiking on Saturday (Tori walked almost a mile, we think, between turns in the backpack), and I hope to do that again sometime this week. But no pressure. Pressuring myself, beating myself up, all that shit--it gets me nowhere, just back to fatness, with even more self hatred.

I don't know if I'll ever find my lap for Tori. We've found plenty of ways to cuddle around my big belly (she's fond of resting her head on a boob), so I don't think she'll love me any less for not having it. But if you meet some plastic surgeon that wants to do a free tummy tuck? Well, feel free to give him my number.*

________________________________________________

Many of you may have read Patty's comment to my last post. Patty's husband died in his sleep on Monday; he was 37, and they don't know why. She has two boys, a three-year-old and a six-week-old (six! weeks!). You can read more about her husband here. He sounds like an amazing man, and I'm so sorry I never got a chance to know him. Please keep her in your prayers, will you?

________________________________________________

On a slightly more cheerful note, here are some awesome photos of Tori at the park (here is the full set if you want to see a million more).

*Please, for the love of God, do not post links here about how being fat is going to kill me. Do not link to obesity studies. If you do, I will never, EVER, post photos of Tori again. I swear. You think I don't hear the news about being fat? Come on. I live in the US. I own a television. I do not need to hear it again from you. Thank you.

Comments

[Holly]

1.

I agree with you about the weight loss surgery. I have no judgement on others, but for me it isn't the answer because I'm an emotional eater. I would find a way to eat no matter what. If it were to be successful for me, I would be concerned about the dramatic weight loss which often requires surgery to remove all the excess skin.
I'm currently on a bit of a healthy lifestyle kick and I don't have any advice to give that you haven't heard a thousand times before. The big change for me is that I finally understand the whole 'exercise makes you feel good' thing that everyone else always talked about. Exercising and eating well really goes hand in hand for me so now that I am doing a good 40 minutes of exercise a day it makes me want to eat well so that the day is a total success.
The one thing I am finding helpful for changing my eating habits is to select two things I want to eat, look at the calorie content and compare the serving quantities for an equivalent amount of calories. I worked out I could have 7 country cheese biscuits for the same amount of calories as 1 Tim Tam and I realised the cheese biscuits would be much more filling. Then I don't eat the full amount of the serving. I might have 4, 5 or 6 biscuits. It means I am cutting back on small amounts of calories every time I eat and it is helping.
Best of luck to you, Cecily. I'm sure you've tried everything. I often say that we big girls know as much about dieting as nutritionists. We don't need to be educated about dieting. It's dieting that got us there in the first place.

[Nicole]

2.

I think you need to do whatever is right for you.

If it means feeling better, then by all means, do it for yourself. And Tori. :)

[Anne]

3.

If you ever figure out how to get rid of the mama apron (that's what I call it) please let me know.

In the meantime I try to remember that, despite what Hollywood says is beautiful, I've always been attracted to above average sized personalities and women. I see extra weight, like food, being comforting and warm. I'm kind of an earth mother type at heart and think there's something just right about a padded mommy. And that's how I like to think of myself.

I mean, it sure beats lamenting the size of my butt in the Target mirror, right?

[Sherry]

4.

Being fat DOES NOT always mean UNHEALTHY.

I'm a size 18/20 and MUCH healthier (blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, flexibility, heart condition) than many of my skinnier friends.

[4katnap]

5.

Can I just say I hear,understand and cry along with you? At aproximatly 100lbs overweight I'm having the same issues. A friend recently referedme to a website I'm thinking makes sense but I haven't totally committed to it. If I do try it and it works for me I'll share. Mostly it's a plan that envolves mental and motivational work couple with any diet (2 actually) that you choose. I'm thinking the mental health aspects and habit changes are the parts that sort of attracts me. the fact tha it envolves the D!@t word is the part that repells me. Unfortunatly I can't really say that my weight isn't a major health factor for me. Didn't stop me from making fudge today though.(stress eating in the extreme)

I'll let you know if working on teh thought processes helps.

HUGS from a fellow lapless mom.

[Dea]

6.

The BMI pictures made me so mad! The BMI scale is stupid and outdated! I hate that everytime I go to the doctors they calculate it, lable me and lecture me. They don't take my fat percentage into consideration, at all! Sigh. I loved that one of the pictures was of a triathlete who was "overweight". Stupid outdated system.
Funny, Canadian doctors don't lable you like that.

[JK]

7.

I agree with you...Diets don't work. Eating healthy does. (I remember when you spoke about cooking more healthy foods and how you didn't even want fries. I cheered you on!)

I disagree with you about exercise. I think everyone, myself included, could do more muscle increasing types of exercise and reap many metabolic-boost rewards. Fact: muscle burns more calories than fat. That's all I'm saying. No judgement, no advice, just a fact.

[Hetty_Fauxvert]

8.

I sympathize... I am "only" about 30 lbs overweight but it's 30 lbs that seems to have moved in to stay! My dad lost 30 lbs on the South Beach Diet last year and has kept it off, basically by eliminating white bread (and really, most bread of whatever color), white potatoes, and white rice from his diet. It doesn't seem to be a hardship for him. I think men are wired differently from us....

Uh, btw, hate to mention this but "one of the only" is actually a nonsensical phrase and as such, should be eschewed. (Don't you just love the word "eschewed?" It totally doesn't sound like what it means.) One can say "one of the few" or simply "the only," but there is no such thing as "one of the only." Just sayin'.

[RainbowW]

9.

how about the studies that show that semen acts as an antidepressant, and women who have unprotected sex have lower incidences of depression than women who use rubbers or who keep their pants on?

or my favorite for this month: the one that shows that titty dancers make more money when they're fertile than when they're not, and the ones who don't use the pill make more money overall than those who do?

are those kinds of studies okay? ;-)

[Wabi]

10.

I was extremely healthy (good weight, lots of exercise, pretty good diet) before I had kids. But I cannot believe some of the crap I eat now, and what a couch potato I turned into. So it's not just you, who had food issues from earlier in life. It's me too, and I had ok habits for 32 years. I think there is something fundamentally broken about the way most people in the US end up living, more by outside force than choice, when they have small children.

With me I know the key to all of it is sleep. I haven't had what I considered a normal night's sleep (prekids) in over four years. My "sleep deficit" is surely into the thousands of hours at this point.

Sure, I don't get up four times a night EVERY night, but with two kids, one bout of colds can easily put me into the position of doing just that for a week or two at a time. And by the time the kids are well again I'm so run down that I get sick, and then I am so behind work from taking care of the kids earlier that I can't take more time off for me, and usually just grit my way through it.

Until I am less tired, I don't really see myself doing many power walks or counting calories. Someday, hopefully. But right now it just seems ludicrous to contemplate.

[illahee]

11.

i hear you. it's so hard, isn't it?

[Tertia]

12.

Just wanted to tell you how much this post moved me. I can hear your frustration and I feel for you. I wish there was an easier way.

Sending you lots and lots of love.

13.

Patty, if you read this - you might find Snickollet's blog interesting or helpful. Her circumstances were slightly different, but she was widowed with baby twins.

[Beth]

14.

Gorgeous family! Tori's huge personality really comes through in the photos and the three of you look like you are really enjoying life together.

I have no idea what to say about losing weight, etc. I wish I knew the answer for myself but I don't.

[Alexs]

15.

I just started a Healthy Weight program at the local grocery store. It's great! It's run by a dietician and it is free :) Can't beat that. Every week for 10 weeks we meet and learn new things about eating by Canada's Food Guide, portion control, overcoming obstacles etc. So far it's inspiring. We set goals for our selves each week. I find it really helpful as it is not a diet but a food lifestyle makeover really. Because it takes place over 10 weeks it is not info over load and the changes are manageable every week. We also learned that the safest way to loose weight and keep it off is to loose a .5 pound a week. That's only a reduction of 125 calories a day and burning 125 calories a day in exercise. I'm trying not to focus on the weight loss, just the healthy eating and fun exercise and hope the weight loss will be a VERY HAPPY byproduct!!!

[Elena]

16.

Here's something I'm thinking about now Cecily. My kids are all runners. My two oldest could easily do a 5K, my middle kids can do a mile or two. They want to run and on the off season I feel funny about letting them run alone... so...I'm taking up running. And I know the first couple of times I looked kind of pathetic but I'm getting distance. My hope is that maybe we can do a family relay sometime.

But the real incentive for me isn't JUST my own fitness, but being able to participate with my kids and set the example especially for my girls.

[Celeste]

17.

I could have written your post. Truly.

Thoughts:

1. Fashion is all about the belly for women. You can have big hips and thighs and butt and still find flattering things. But if you're all about the belly, it's like they just give up on you.

2. I would go the tummy tuck route ($6K) but I would never go the gastro route. My stomach isn't broke. I wouldn't even say my brain is broke. I gain better and lose slower than just about anybody. If anything, my metabolism is broken. There's no surgery for that.

3. Look at all of the people who had gastro surgery who ended up alcoholic. Carnie Wilson, with a husband and baby to love, fell into this trap. I couldn't handle the risk of putting my head someplace where it seemed like drinking was the answer.

4. I figured out quickly that I do NOT, NOT, NOT want to raise a daughter to believe that all she has to look forward to is eventually having to be "on a diet". It is not possible to be on a strict lowcarb diet with a child who wants to feed you some of her Cheerios. Or whatever. It is kind of crazy for the whole family to have a different meal at home while mom has diet food. Throw in some picky eating on anybody else's part and it becomes impossible to get a meal on the table. Who wants to live like that?

5. Get ready for how you are going to talk to Tori about weight and diet. The questions come sooooooooo much sooner than you would ever expect. Little Missy just last week, said, "what's a diet?". For once I was ready and said it's the foods you eat--some are for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, etc... and that's your diet". Regarding body size, I am trying to be matter-of-fact and say, "people come in lots of shapes and sizes don't they". I mostly do not want her falling into a trap about thinking she can control her body shape/size to some degree that isn't possible. You CANNOT just decide to have this one's thighs or that one's butt or whatever. I'm wondering if there is a way to tie it into her teacher's kindergarten mantra: "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit". It's good advice for me as well!

Keep on keepin' on, Cecily. Acceptance is a process.

[Shazamama]

18.

My daughter is now 6 - and though other kids have commented on my weight (one of the comments I actually liked was when my friend's daughter said I was like a pumpkin!) my daughter had never said anything. But she notices everything so right or wrong I asked her once what she thought about my body. She said that she wished I was less chubby so that I could get up and down and run around more easily. I surprised myself by not breaking down crying. It was just true, no judgements, no deep psychological pain.

I've never been addicted to alcohol or drugs, but sometimes I just feel like such an addict. I hear addicts say things about substances and I feel like I can fill in "food" for their poison. This may seem way off base to you, but I don't know how else to explain to people (read: my mom) why I can't get this under control. The drive to eat sometimes is so overwhelming it's scary. I've never purged, but I understand why people do (in a twisted way.)

I'm trying the psychologically healthy route. Talkign to a therapist about anger and self-loathing and all that good stuff in an attempt to learn how to cope better. I don't want to accept this weight and I do have health issues that make it more critical. Plus, I DO want to run around and jump up and down with my kids and I can't do that at this weight.

THanks for sharing. It does help to know there are others struggling out there!

I do have an image in my head of how I want it to be. Not skinny, but healthy and not dependent upon food to elevate my mood or cope with my emotions. I want to eat what I want, but in healthy portions and I want to feel good. I figure as long as I can actually visualize this life, there's hope.

[Kel]

19.

I have been at least sixty pounds overweight for the last oh 15 years. Coincidentally, my oldest child is 15!

My most successful attempt at weight loss occured for a couple of reasons. First, I am lazy, so I needed motivation. Some other moms started meeting early on Sunday mornings to walk together. If I said I was going to be there, I had to go. That got me started walking. At first I couldn't walk much without wheezing. Eventually I could do a few miles a couple times a week and not even need to use my inhaler!!

I also decided to stop eating meat and fish. The discipline required to do so showed me that I could enact positive change for myself. On the heels of that success I cut out white flour products and cut way back on the use of sugar- even in a spaghetti sauce.

Lastly, I have stopped buying as much junk food. If it's not here I can't eat it. I have managed to lose 30 pounds and I have kept it off for over a year. I made the changes slowly, so that they were manageable and doable long term. Last winter was the first in my adult life that I didn't gain any weight!

I don't care what I look like or if anyone else thinks I am fat. I had just gotten to the point where I wanted to make the change for my health, before I turned forty. It's something I want to do for me. I never had that motivation before on unsuccessful attempts.

One last thought. At this point I don't even want to lose any more weight because the tummy flap just deflates, but it doesn't go away without surgery- something I couldn't afford.

[Robin]

20.

Funny, you posted on a subject that I had just recenetly been dealing with myself again!

Before my first pregnacny I was in the best shape of my adult life. I was still big, but a very healthy big. That was all acheived by yoga, stationary bike and portion control. Never denied myself anything. Of course, now that I've had two babies and gained alllll my weight back, I just don't know how to get started again. I don't want to diet either, I don't want to give up any foods I like. I don't want to give up my only little luxury that I have right now. Saying that, I have been trying to get out of my head and not worry about it so much.

What sucks is I know what worked for me last time. Just don't have the time for it with 2 kids now. So. Where do I go from here?

[dawn]

21.

Yo -- you are awesome. I've got no answers for you but that's ok because you didn't ask. I've always been one to pretty urgently want to feel good about my body no matter how fat it happens to be at the moment but since breaking my toe, I'm really annoyed and unhappy about it. I've gained weight, I'm way less fit and if my shinsplints hurt this bad at 37 3/4, I'm gonna be in a helluva lotta pain when I'm 57 3/4. I find it depressing.

[Wendy]

22.

Love that BMI calculator slide show. It makes me realize how much I judge myself by other people's standards.
I know how you feel - I will never diet again. I can't even get to the losing weight part of it - thinking about dieting makes me want eat like a crazy person. But wouldn't it feel fabulous to accept and love yourself exactly how you are - physically. I don't even know if thin people do that.

[Ali]

23.

I have food issues myself although I've never had to lose a large amount of weight. For me it's my immune system - I've had a host of health problems starting at age 25 that only seem to be curbed with a change of diet. I have also gone on the roller coaster - diet, feel better, once I feel better I start eating the really yummy stuff, and then health problems return. I don't really have an answer except I know I am only successful when I have a little guardian angel by my side. A doctor, a nutritionist or peers that are on the same page. Otherwise I have found it really hard to follow through. I made some dietary changes before my daughter was born and I think this helped me to conceive. But now that she is born, all I want to do is eat cupcakes.

[Cece]

24.

Cec -

You know - one of your responses to a comment I left her prompted me to switch REs. I want to thank you for that first off. I've changed from an asshole who not only brought up my wieght in every single visit, but even on phone conversations, to a new doc who ROCKS and says my weight is fine.

I'm in shape. I did a IRONMAN triathlon at a BMI of 35. I work out 5 times a week. And I'm a size 18/20. Screw them all.

And there is no way on god's green earth that I would ever, EVER get gastic bypass. I like myself and eating too much for that. Could you imagine going to thankgiving dinner, and eating a pea and being full. Hell no.

Keep on keeping on. You rock.

[Mrs. A (Terry)]

25.

I am trying to lose 50 pounds right now.

Because I have crossed over into that area of merely overweight into the land of obese. (According to the BMI charts & such).

I'm riding a friggin' stationary bike about 5 times a week -- and it sucks. Exercise sucks, there's just no other way to put it. But I wanted to start somewhere, to at least get off my ass & do something.

I refuse to diet. I like eating & cooking good food too much to give it up. But I am trying to not eat as much & I am trying to get rid of the crap food I eat.

I've been doing this nearly 7 weeks and I swear I've maybe lost 5 pounds. At most. And that bullshit about feeling better physically when a person exercises regularly? When does that happen because I feel as crappy as I always have.

When I first started all this, I was actually thinking I'd lose all the weight by Christmas. Christmas! I'll be lucky if I lose a good portion of this weight by this time next year. It is just a long, slow, frustrating process that often doesn't seem worth the time & effort.

But I'll keep at it because, like you, I am unable to find it within myself to accept how my body looks. I think it's because I remember how it once looked and I am angry with myself for lettingbit get to where it's at.

You'll probably hit that point where you'll start being active again -- Tori is so little and takes up so much of your energy right now -- you may not start being as active as you'd like until she's a little older. And you're right -- dieting is just depriving yourself & it never works so why bother?

Let us know if you find that magic pill that makes us feel good about the bodies we have -- because I sure am not able to "talk" myself into it no matter how freaking hard I try.

[wealhtheow]

26.

I'm already getting advice about how to loose the baby weight, and I'm still two weeks from my due date, so I feel you on this. It took me 29 years to get to the point where I feel like my body is working perfectly and I am PROUD of it, and I'm not going to sabotage that simply to conform to society's narrow definition of beauty.

My postpartum goals are eating moderately well and staying hydrated (something I actually have a lot of problems with, because I just don't like to drink anything). I'm adding in going to yoga at least once a week as soon as I get the okay from my doctor, because when I go to yoga it pretty much eliminates my sciatica and also helps my asthma. If I loose weight doing that, gravy. If not, that's not the point--the point is to get my body (and especially my back, which has taken a major beating between the huge belly and the boobs-that-won't-stop-growing) strong and healthy.

I'm pretty much the same as you in terms of setting goals and then seeing them fall by the wayside. But I noticed last year when my only rule was going to yoga on Saturdays, I wound up changing a lot more in my life--eating more healthfully, adding in extra yoga workouts during the week. Maybe if you just make one small goal--taking a walk once a week with Tori? I think it's more realistic to start small.

But you know what? You're gorgeous no matter what you weigh, and that's what Tori will remember when she thinks about her mom.

[Jenn]

27.

I have struggled with a combination of weight and negative body image for 10 years. Recently I found a book that has made a huge difference for me. It's called "The Beck Diet Solution: How to Think Like a Thin Person" by Judith Beck. She doesn't tell you what to eat or how to exercise. It's all about changing how you think and approach food. Especially illuminating are the parts which describe the difference between how people with weight issues think about food and eating vs. how thin people do. 98% of my weight issues are mental/emotional. I've never eaten just because I'm hungry. I eat because I'm celebrating, sad, angry, depressed, or strictly for something to do. Re-reading bits of this book each day has helped me find the motivation within myself to make better choices. 14 pounds down! You can do this, but I have to say that you look beautiful just the way you are. The park photos of your family are gorgeous. Your love for each other just shines right out.

[Shandra]

28.

Not to get too weird, but I bet Tori finds your body very comforting just as it is - because it is her mother's body.

My healthy living exercise habits have TANKED since having my son. I used to go to the gym regularly and loved it and now I just never seem to be able to find the time. I know that I need to, but I don't.

I also had developed ways of taking care of myself/indulging myself that didn't involve food - long baths, trips to local beautiful spots. Guess what? Those take time. Where it takes no time to open a bag of chips.

It's bizarre. As a 36 yr old parent of a toddler I have never WANTED to be in shape more and spent LESS time and energy doing it. I hear it gets better? I hope.

[EL]

29.

Can I just say that walking is the WAY? I gradually lost 40-some pounds of baby weight due to walking. Some days, I go fast for a short distance, some days I go slower for longer. Some days, I don't walk at all. I agree with you about not beating yourself up about your weight, or food, or exercise. As long as you get excercise most days and aim to eat mostly healthy, you'll be healthy. What works for me is to pay attention to how many servings of fruits and vegetables I eat, and eat less of what's not good for me but not cut it out completely.

One guy wrote an editorial to our local paper, saying that he was overweight and hadn't lost any weight for a couple of months, but that with walking, his shape was changing: he was converting fat weight into muscle weight.

Being healthy is really more than about not being fat. For one thing, it also means not being anorexic. It means taking care of yourself, accepting what is and looking forward to what you can become. Good luck on the journey!

[Kate]

30.

I just started trying to lose weight again last Thursday with a visit to a new doctor. I am convinced that this time will be different, but mostly because I am trying to do things to change my head more than my body. Let me know if you come up with anything earth shattering that is working for you.
Take good care.

[Jess]

31.

Focusing on feeling better instead of looking better is key. You're a gorgeous lady and should treat yourself well.

[Chickenpig]

32.

I know I am overweight, not tremendously so, but I know that I'm in bad shape, that is to say I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables and I don't exercise nearly enough. After having the twins I have quite a paunch, scarred and stretched marked, that I'm sure not a million scrunches would fix. I try to feel good about it, (emphasis on try) because it has written all over it what I had to do to get pregnant (huge myomectomy scar from my surgery) how long I stayed pregnant with twins (38 weeks) and how I delivered (C section, mandatory due to former surgery). But, it's hard to feel good about looking pregnant when I'm not, and not feeling comfortable in my clothes. I'm with you, Cecily, if I was going to have any surgery done, I would probably fix this gut.

My heart goes out to Patty. She is amazing for being able to count her blessings at this time, and it is amazing and humbling that her husband gave so much in his death, to 65 people. I'm not a huge praying person, but what prayers I can say I say for her.

[Leggy]

33.

I'm sorry this continues to get you down.
OMG- Tori got so big. And I used to think she looked just like Charlie (her eyes in particular), but now? She's the spitting image of you. What a cutie!

[Rachel]

34.

My favorite line in a song is in one called "Family Tree" by Belle and Sebasitan, and is: "The way they act, I'd rather be fat, than be confused."
And that's how I feel. I'd rather be fat than to be how I am now - living in terror of food. I have an eating disorder and have for years. I've been overweight and underweight and everywhere in between. I can honestly say I think you are beautiful and lucky. Charlie loves you. You have a great writing talent. You are an authentic person.
More than to wish you thin, I will wish you peace! Because to be thin is not the answer I thought it was. I am unhappier thin than I ever was heavy. Don't go on a diet - write a book or a poem. Exercise is good for your body and your heart, but creativity will soothe your soul. Maybe I'm just being selfish here, but what I'm saying is that I want a Cecily book! I've been reading this blog for years, and I think you have a hell of a lot to say. That's all.

[Sarah]

35.

I'm contemplating whether or not I can manage to think about changing my weight. I know that when I feel better, I take better care of my eating, but when I feel bad, it's hard to give a crap. they don't seem to be circularly related--sometimes dieting just increases my sense of deprivation, which does nothing for my mood. Argh.
I loved the picture of Tori with her arms out and her palms up--so cute!

[Journeywoman]

36.

I hear you lady. I really do. I'm fat, borderline diabetic and I'm trying...REALLY.

UGH.

One thing that has helped for me is limiting to extinguqishing HFCS. (High Fructose Corn Syrup) It helped my body digest stuff easier. Oddly enough candy (like tootsie rolls and tootsie roll pops and milky ways) don't have it. Special K, Wheat thins--do.

Limit that and you will fee better in a week. I was STUNNED at how much better I felt. (Of course now I'm chugging it because I need sugar and caffeine, but...)

Great post, as usual.

[Andrea]

37.

I'm more of a pear than an apple (although child bearing gave me a belly, too!) but otherwise I could have written that. Heck, I think I have a couple of times.

I don't know the answer, either, but you've made me feel less alone today.

[Essie]

38.

The pictures of Tori on the slide are priceless!

[Stephanie]

39.

I feel like I could have written this post (excpet for the political parts! heh) I feel the same way about my body......thank you. And please post the links to the fat acceptance blogs, or just email me. thanks!
And I truely think that our children won't remember "mommy was fat" but instead "mommy took time to hold me and read to me and loved me so! much!"
hugs to you!

[Jan]

40.

Thank you for being brave enough to write about this honestly.

I wonder if you've ever considered hypnosis? My mom had some great results with it; she swears it changed the way she feels about food.

Have you read this (http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/01/11/profile.hawks/index.html) article from cnn.com? I've got 50 pounds to lose myself and this feels like the way to do it. (Caveat: I need to do some sugar-limiting, too, because my blood sugar/insulin situation is Clearly Not Right)

I loved your idea of cooking for yourself feeling like taking care of yourself in a way that was healthy. Did that stop working, or is freelancing+parenting not leaving you enough time anymore?

I think (not that anyone asked what I think! -- as if that would stop me) if you can get to where you feel healthy and strong, you should consider it a success regardless of the size and shape you are.

[Tiffany]

41.

Oh honey - you are probablly going to hate this comment but in order to lose weight you have to exercise and diet. I know it sucks big time. But don't think about it as a diet but think about it as a lifestyle change. Maybe just start with some small changes, walks, eating more fruit and vegtables, swearing off fast food for a month (even the health versions at fast food places are not that healthy, writing down everything you eat - this is a big one). I know you have done it all before. If you want I can email you some blogs I read daily about women struggling to lose weight and what they are doing about it. I am glad that you health is good, except for the extra fat, but I worry that the older you get will catch up to you. Let me know if you want those blogs for maybe some inspriation.

[adam]

42.

Well, I'llb e honest... I had to take the 12 steps into my food. I couldn't take the eating, the mania that surrounded not having what i wanted and most certainly i couldn't take being 309 anymore... i let go of chocolate, caffiene and some other things... carbs get reduced next week... but thats just my experience...

[Meggan]

43.

Wow- really interesting and timely post, and thanks for the links. As well as struggling with my own weight issues (like always) I am trying right now to figure out how to raise my son (13 months) without food issues... it's terrifying.

By the way, any update on the Orkut/ Flickr/ photo stealing thing? The day you posted about that I'd just uploaded a bunch of photos of my kid (argh!) and I went back and made most of them private, but now of course my blog links don't work... grrr.

Thanks!

[Charlie]

44.

Just for reference and the benefit of any men who may be reading, I went to one of the sites that calculates BMI and for my height (6'0"), my "normal" weight would be 137-183 lbs.

One-thirty-seven? Haven't been there since junior high and not likely to return. Unless I get stomach cancer, pancreatic cancer, AIDS, or spend time in a prison camp.

Who comes up with these numbers again?

[Michelle]

45.

I can totally relate to this and I'm sure there are plenty of others who will say the same. I am not. I went to Tampa this weekend and I just went and picked up the pictures we took...and OH.MY.GOD. I look like a whale in a bathing suit. SOOOO...what did I do? I went to Sonic for lunch. WoohoO! I have no willpower when it comes to food. I'm too damn tired to excercise. I'm not even a candidate for gastric bypass because I'm not "that overweight" according to my doctor. I disagree.

Anyway - it's a tough battle. I'm going to start with cutting out soda...baby steps. For me that's the only way I could ever lose weight and truly be healthy...

Here's to tons of weight loss for me and for you!! Hang in there!

[Mags]

46.

My mother struggled with her weight all her life, at times being 100 or more pounds overweight. What I remember was how much she hated herself and how defeated she seemed during those times.

At her "normal" weight (still obese by BMI standards) she would do things with us and have fun, when she was heavier it was really hard to convince her to join in the family fun - she watched from the couch, or worse from the bed.

I wish she would have gotten therapy sooner. I know she loved me and she was a great mom, but all I ever wanted from her was for her to be happy.

Now that I've inherited her body, I work extremely hard to keep it healthy. I refuse to hate this body - it's not a bad body at all, my limbs work, my brain works - I'm quite lucky really. I am breaking that cycle of self-loathing for my kids.

[Ariella]

47.

I totally identify with everything you just said. I have about 60 pounds to lose, and every time I say I'm going to start eating healthily or go to the gym regularly, it just falls to shit. I hate the way I look... cannot even LOOK at myself in the bathroom mirror... and I can't figure out why I am not motivated enough to change.

I know my family is worried about me because of my weight. I know they think I will die early or that I'll have joint problems... maybe they are right. I just wish I knew someone who was similarly overweight so I could talk to them about it, and I also wish there was some WAY to lose it. I don't mind diet and exercise, but it doesn't seem to work so well for me.

[Maura]

48.

OMG, I can't believe that commenters here (I won't call anyone out, but you know who you are) thought it was appropriate and necessary to tell Cecily she needs to diet and exercise.

And ZOMG fruits and vegetables! Why, we fatties never THOUGHT of eating veggies! Thank you thank you thank you to those who feel they need to tell us because we've never heard it before. /sarcasm

Sorry, I just get angry at that kind of ignorance, esp. when you went out of your way to say that you're not seeking diet advice. Geez.

I feel for you in every way as a fellow big-bellied apple.

[Abigail]

49.

Doesn't Kate Harding rock? Yes, she does.

Fuck if I know what the answer is. I had a kid at 40, so I need to try to live to a ripe old age. Ironically, having a kid leaves me a lot less time to exercise, stresses me out and interferes with my sleep - all things that make me less healthy. Health At Any Size is my current mantra. Diets. Don't. Work. Get off my fat ass, quit eating crap, those are things that will work. And loving my body as it is right now, the body that produced my son and has carried me these 43 years with little complaint or trouble.

"One of the only" is not incorrect per se, it is merely aesthetically displeasing to some. I find grammar picks more aesthetically displeasing.

[tana]

50.

I sit here eating chocolate fudge frosting out of the can... I am with you. I KNOW what I need to do to lose weight, but after watching my dad die from cancer, reading of the deaths of young fathers; I want to enjoy my life while I am still here. I enjoy food, I get true pleasure from eating a grilled cheese and fries not carrot sticks and flax seeds.

[Val]

51.

I hear you sister. If you are like me, you will be ready at the right time. I recently made the decision that the weight has to go - my health is at risk. I have diabetes. I made a decision, and I'm working hard to keep it. I never considered surgery until recently. Now it's lose the weight and keep it off or the surgery (possibly only lap band)is in the future. It hasn't been long enough to tell if the resolve will survive . . .

[Mel]

52.

I was encouraged when I read that one trait those who've lost weight (and kept it off) have in common is that almost everyone made more than one attempt to lose weight. (National Weight Control Registry: http://xnet.kp.org/permanentejournal/sum03/registry.html)

So, try, try again. You never know when you'll find the key that works for you.

(We've discussed before that I've lost 55 pounds--so far--by eliminating sugar/flour/potatoes/white rice from my diet. I really don't feel like I'm dieting, for the most part.)

[Mel]

53.

Is this a normal time of year for people to question their bodies because I have been looking at mine with unappreciating eyes lately and so has a good friend of mine. What is it about fall that makes us want to re-evaluate these kinds of things? I've done Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, eDiets, Protein Power... I think that's it for now. I'm resorting to looking at diet pills and supplements. I know I shouldn't. But the pull is great....

I've always wondered if food was an addiction thing for me in the same way alcohol was an addiction for my father. I dunno. I do know I'm tired of the guilt though - the guilt of being told I don't eat healthy enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't spend enough time with my family, I don't spend enough time on a hobby, I don't spend enough time cleaning or cooking or anything. I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough the way I am. Sigh.

I guess I just wanted to offer some ((HUGS)) and let you know you're not alone.

~Mel

[Amanda]

54.

I think I can speak for most of the post-op gastric bypass readers when I say that it was REALLY hard to read that. I wish you could live in my post-op body for a day because I know you'd change your mind about the surgery after about five minutes. I'll never understand why so many people see the surgical option as a cop-out or as a failure. There is no worse self-mutilation than being morbidly obese.

[justdawn]

55.

Seriously...we have SO much in common! For most of my adult life, I have been fat on the outside, skinny on the inside!

(and if you find a plastic surgeon who is willing to do a complimentary tummy tuck...would you see if s/he might be willing to do two;)

[colleen]

56.

I am sure you have already thought about writing a book of essays - if not, you really should. Your honesty has helped so many people see themselves in a new way. Just look at all of these comments for evidence. A different medium might challenge you as a writer and, who knows, might be the open door you need to start making a living following your passion and talent. Just a thought. Thanks for your sharing and honesty.

[Maria]

57.

Cecily, I know you said you tried it before, but I gave up sugar and flour almost a month ago, and I can't believe the difference it's made. Not only have I lost 10 lbs already (with minimal exercise), but I feel much less foggy and run down than I did before. The best part is that I can now eat when I'm truly hungry, and not just because I'm having carb cravings. I still eat plenty of nice food (meat, cheese, olives, etc.), but I just have to give the sweets and floury foods a rest until I get back to a normal weight. For me, being free from food cravings and a near constant obsession with food has been wonderful.

Just my two pence. :)

[Celeste]

58.

Regarding surgery, Amanda, I will honestly say that I don't see how somebody can have it when they don't believe it is the right course of action for them. It takes a lot of consideration to arrive at the decision of whether to do it or not. Choosing NOT to do it is just as valid as choosing TO do it. A big part of it is a person's belief system; not everybody feels that being overweight is self-mutilation. You do, and that's your business. I know I don't feel that way. I also know that no one can convince me to feel that way. I'm just saying.

[moo]

59.

I have at least 30 lbs to lose, all belly fat. I have the classic "spare tire" belly. I always have a muffin top, no matter what I wear.

My son loves me for who I am ... he doesn't see my imperfections, so I try not to, either.

Some things that have helped for me ... if I find myself reaching for food, I stop and ask myself "am I really hungry? would I eat a banana?" if the answer is no, I drink a glass of water, instead. Or skim milk with chocolate syrup in it. Something to fill me up that is healthy.

Also, I "close" the kitchen at 10 pm. If it's after 10, I cannot eat anything in there. I used to be better and close it at 7, but now I try to be realistic.

If I want it, I have it. But I try to get smaller portions. When I order at a restuarant, I get a to-go box immediately and box up half the portion to be saved for later.

WORD to Celeste. Would that they would make comfortable clothes for us big bellied apple shapes!

[AmyinMotown]

60.

Someone upthread said they were tired of being told they aren't good enough the way they are. WORD. That's my problem with the diet industry--it all says WE aer the problem, and offer us radical surgeries and drugs that don't work and suggest that maybe we should consider diet and exercise (??) and say it's all because we eat crap. WRONG. I eat better than a large amount of the people I know. I actually like veggies and fruit and whole-grain things and eat them a lot. I was on Weight Wacthers, followed everything to the letter for MONTHS and lost TEN FUCKING POUNDS. Nobody seems to be wlling to look into hormonal or metabolic reasons it's hard as hell for some people to lose weight. I know mine is endocrine related for many reasons--one of them being that through two pregnancies, I've maintained my starting weight almost the whole time and I don't have bad nausea or anything and in fact crave cheeseburgers and chocolate. When I had my daughter, I was 30 lbs lighter postpartum than I was at the beginning. (Unfortunatly that went away when I quit nursing 8 mos, later, but that's another story).

I just watched the finish of the Detroit Marathon this weekend (my brother ran the half) and was so inspired. Many of the runners were normal sized people--none were obese, but there were a lot, LOT of people who were not super buff skinny and some even a little on the chunky side. I used to run and loved it and this motivated me to get my sorry butt moving once I have this kid.

[Carrie]

61.

I'm so with you. I would never do the bypass surgery. It's way too scary. One of my friends had a friend who died from it. I do go to the gym every single frickin' day and am working my ass off for 90 minutes. I've been doing this for over a year. I've lost five pounds. It makes me crazy when I think about it and I want to give up, but for me it is all about the 90 minutes of childcare. I am healthier than I've ever been before. I have a lot more energy and feel better. But I'm fat. I will always be fat.

[Amy]

62.

I know exactally how you feel and I've HAD gastric bypass surgery. It worked for a year. But then I allowed my addiction to Cola and my emotional eating to get the better of me. I am now back to a weight I am not happy with but feel helpless to do anything about it. I can't eat as much or binge like I used to and I HATE to exercise but force myself to do it anyway. My husband loves my body and says it's sexy. I don't see or feel that at all. So I'm back where I started before the surgery. It works for some, not all.

[siobhan]

63.

I have gained a lot of weight & recently changed my eating habits w/ some results- but DEFINITELY minimal/ not enough. I have to exercise more. It is so difficult though!!!!!!!!!
On another note, when will I find out the new name of your blog?????

[Meira]

64.

Hey! Demand feeding is NOT about beating yourself up for the fries, chica! Did you enjoy the fries? Did they satisfy your need? Was the salad good?
Someone offered me a rice cake the other day, and I hadn't eaten all day and I was hungry, so I took it. But damn that thing sucked. And I asked her, "Why does one eat these things?" and she said "Because they are crunchy and low calorie." It struck me as "it's something to stick in the pie-hole and not feel guilty about." Eh, I'm trying to be done feeling guilty. I want to eat stuff that had nutrients and tastes *good*. I don't want to have my body ask for nutrients and energy and reward it by consuming fluffy grains of rice that have neither flavor nor energy nor nutrients. What a waste.
Also, I read some study that said for most women, even just 10 minutes of exercise a day provides benefit over doing nothing.
Lastly, I read that if one's pannus hangs down so far and one is getting rashes underneath it, insurance will cover it, sometimes.
And Kate Harding ROCKS, doesn't she?

[Meira]

65.

Ok, now I read the comments.

Geez, I have to wonder how some of these people could read you on a regular basis and still miss the point so completely. Sheesh!

[dorothy]

66.

The way you feel sounds absolutely brutal. I have been very unhappy with my body for minor reasons like being somewhat overweight and for one major reason, an X-linked chromosomal disorder (hemophilia, and I have a son who is healthy, but we anguish about the risks of having the second baby that we desperately want). It is so hard to stop being angry about having this thing govern our lives that feels absolutely uncontrollable.

For a while I was even more consumed with the idea that if I couldn't control my genes, I would take control of my body and MAKE IT lose that last 15 pounds (I know, it is laughable by comparison to 100 or whatever), which was pretty ineffective, as you might expect. I've been able to get over some of the obsession and anger that I transferred to my weight with the admittedly simplistic "No-S" diet (no snacks, no sweets, no seconds), at least. But your weight issue seems a lot like my frustration with that nasty strip of DNA on one X chromosome. I have not yet made peace with it, even though I know that the anger isn't helping. I can sometimes summon a little more equilibrium when I meet parents who have been even less lucky in this genetic lottery (sick kids, lower odds of a healthy baby if they try again) but damn is it hard. And frankly using schadenfreude as therapy seems sort of morally appalling.

[lauren]

67.

I would never post those types of links....

Tori is getting cuter and cuter everyday! =).

thanks for the B.M.I link...Im going to send it toa few of my friends!

[andrea]

68.

sigh - right there with you... right there with you.

[mojavi]

69.

here is what I have to say:

I grew up with all my female relatives bitching about their weight. Even when I was in the military running 3-5 miles a day they considered me overweight and measured me at weigh-ins to make sure I was with in the allowed body fat contents. I have always called myself fat. Now when I look back on those pictures I think OMG I was so healthy! So when I gave birth to my daughter I made her a promise, I even posted it on my blog. http://haraku.blogspot.com/2007/01/my-promise.html

I basically promised never to call myself fat in front of her. To stop the madness for her. To love who I am and what I look like.

For your daughter, maybe you should do the same.

[mojavi]

70.

just so you know my BMI is 35.2 now, so no I am not one of those skinny girls who claims to be fat

[Tonya]

71.

Over the past year, I have lost 65 lbs. It was not purposeful, (had to give up dairy and soy in order to keep nursing Tiny Boy due to his allergies). That, combined with a helluva lot of stress in almost every area of my life, helped me to break most of my comfort eating habits.

Goodness knows I needed to lose the weight and am finally feeling better again. Now that Tiny Boy is weaned, I'm worried about slowly gaining it all back. I refuse to weigh myself regularly, and just try to listen to my body and eat what I'm hungry for (rather than eating whatever is handy). We'll see how it goes.

Tori will love the comfort of your lap (and you) no matter what shape it is. You are her Mommy, and there is little in life so special as that.

[Heather AKA Epiphany Alone]

72.

Cecily,

I can't change my 33 years of bad eating and exercise habits over night any more than I can wish 60 pounds away. So that leaves me at, what the fuck do I do, then?

I joined a gym. I go to the gym 4 days a week. I work out for an hour to an hour and a half. I work hard, it feels good. I leave there breathless, sweaty, and euphoric. I was psyched yesterday because I managed to do over 3 miles in 40 minutes on the elliptical machine.

I've decided to not diet. Instead I set small nutritional goals like "I will eat 5 vegetables today", and I select things at the grocery store that appeal to me. I started with not knowing what a whole foods diet might look like, or what seasonal eating was, and am approaching doing both. I cook recipes that seem satisfying. I eat French bread because it tastes good even if it has no shelf life. I'm finding I'm enjoying my food more and doing less mindless eating.

Anyway, I'm not weighing in every week. At the rate I'm going it will probably take me a year and a half or two to whittle off the extra weight. I feel my body getting stronger. My daughters are watching me make exercise and eating well a priority.

Anyway, and sorry this is long and certainly not meant to be "you should do this", this is just what's working for me.

[Melissa]

73.

I've been slightly overweight since undergrad when I gained the freshman 15 and never took it off.

I do yoga (prenatal now), walk everywhere, and try to have a sensible approach to eating. And I'm still overweight. But my blood pressure and whatnot are fine so I say "screw it."

Hopefully not assvice: I do go through periods of emotional eating. The one thing that has helped was suggested by a nutritionist friend: Put it on a plate or in a bowl. When I eat emotionally, I tend to graba bag of whatever or a box and eat directly out of the food container. Moving the food to a plate helps me to see what I'm taking in more clearly. I manage this every time but it does help.

I think the best thing you can do for Tori is to have sensible attitude. To talk about not judging others by body characteristic. To explain healthy eating in non-hysterical manner.

You're a great mom. I'm sure that you'll manage to continue raising a great kid.

[moira]

74.

Another post right from my brain... Although I think when you are fat, weight loss is always on your brain. I also don't like the idea of bariatric surgeries, I know I can do it, when I exercised, just exercised, I lost 30 pounds. Also, to go along with the fear thing, I think maybe my fat protects me... Silly right...

[Ruth]

75.

The post by Kate Harding that you linked to is great. It sounds to me like a good way to think about eating.

[Natalee]

76.

I'm on the borderline between crying and saying "Amen", because that's *exactly* how I feel.

Yes, I'm obese (5'6 and 255 lbs), and I too, hate diets and traditional exercize. Right now, I'm working 2 jobs to pay down debt, and I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to do anything but lay around. I'm not happy with my body per se, but I'm not as down on myself as I used to be. My husband loves me the way I am, and we have zero problems in the bedroom, so I know he's not repulsed by my fat (in fact, he's what's known as a "chubby chaser"). My friends and family love me, even when I don't love myself. I don't like the number on the scale, or the size of clothing I have to wear, but I really don't think about my fat body except when I see how unflattering I look in photos.

I have good blood pressure and blood sugar levels, but I would like to feel less "winded" when doing something physical. I bought a cool cruiser bike with the hopes that I could ride it to get some exercize, but like I said, my 2 jobs poop me out to much, and it sits, gathering dust in my garage.

I've really tried lately to listen to my body and to STOP eating as soon as I feel the slightest bit full. I need to get rid of my habit of emotional eating, and also feeling guilty for not cleaning my plate-a habit instilled in me in childhood, one that I WILL NOT pass down to my children. I haven't noticed any weight loss, but I have noticed that I can no longer eat the quantities of food I once did, and that in itself can only be good for me.

Anyway, sorry for the long comment, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain, and you're not alone out there, sister.

[Jenni]

77.

I here you and live it. Although I work out a lot, I am actually a walking time bomb. My high blood pressure is the type that I have fat or thin and being fat makes it worse. My fit as a racehorse healthy eating dad had to get a triple bypass a couple of years ago.

For me it really is the difference between maybe seeing my kid graduate high school and being able to meet my grandchildren. More in the short term I don't want my kid to get teased because of me. I know it happens.

This is why after feeling v. much like you I am taking the classes to get approved to get the lap band. To me this is a compromise between the bypass and nothing. It is reversable and I won't poop myself if I eat something sweet. Also the recovery is easier. And while doing all this I am working on what it is that makes me this way.

Thanks for posting about this stuff. I feel like you're in my head sometimes!

Totally off topic - I have a friend going through infertility and if you have an articles/resources to help me be a better friend. I know you say those of us who aren't suffering from it will never get it but dammit I want to try!

[thrice]

78.

For me, I like to play mind-fucks with myself oherwise, I would be eating a dozen doughnuts every time that I passed Dunkin Doughnuts.

I know that my heart is much better off with less weight. I know that I can move with less pain, if I exercise and stretch more. I know that I sleep better, when I eat less sugar. I know that my mood is better when I eat better. I know that my clothes fit better and don't strangle me when I am not overweight.

We all know what we have to do to lose weight, but as you say it's the brain that is at issue. Yes, as an older Mom with major health issues, I want to be around for my kids. BUT, I also want to be able to do thinks with them. Watching from the sidelines doesn't have much appeal to me.

Oh, and that menopause middle weight that is around the corner from me? That, scares the shit out of me. Who wants that?

[Jen]

79.

I recently read a sentence somewhere that completely hit home for me. This isn't exact but something like "I was always told I was fat so I ate to keep me fat". I was on my first diet at around 10 because I was told I was fat and ultimately that's what I've spent the past 26 years working on. Maintaining that I am fat.
Anyway, 4 weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers again...for the last time. It feels different this time. I am ok with the number of points I have each day and I don't feel deprived. I've done low-carb, detox, blah blah blah and they don't work long term. I'm only down a bit but this is long term and I am accepting that each day. Also, I've worked out a lot over the years and have not lost only maintained because the working out was only giving me the permission to overeat. Thus either remaining the same or gaining more.

Good luck with this journey. We are all on it together. You are beautiful!

[Cathrin]

80.

I've been fat all my life, so I know the pain you're going through...

My doctor agreed with me that emotional conflicts are the reason for my overweight and not ignorance of how to treat my body well.

She recommended me EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). I don't know if you have heard of it - it's a tapping technique to free yourself of emotional blockades which are said to be the source of stress, fear, illness, etc. (Well, I better let the experts explain: http://www.emofree.com/newcomer.htm)

I does sound highly unbelievable, I know, but it has - to some degree - helped me *when* I tried it. (My problem is that I often refuse to help myself.)
I stopped craving for food for two whole days after tapping my eating issues, but I haven't tried it again ever since - because it's such a big (heh) issue for me. I've been more consistent with trying to get rid of exam anxiety, and have been a bit more successful.

When I first heard about this technique I felt hurt. "I've been dealing with this all my life, how can someone claim my problems can be solved so easily?" I thought. Now I know that it is a possibility for me, I just have to *do* it.

[victoria]

81.

It's funny. I gave up alcohol a few months ago, just to see if I could. It was surprisingly easy, no trouble at all. Then I decided to give up sugar & white flour, too, just to see if I could. I couldn't do it. Ten weeks without wine? No problem. But so far I haven't gone more than six days without sugar & white flour.

I have noticed that sugar & white flour make me drowsy AND hungrier than I was before I ate them, that when I don't consume those foods I can get through a day on many fewer calories, that when I eliminate those foods I am eating much less and without any struggle, because I just don't get as hungry.

I know that if I quit those foods permanently I would lose weight AND feel better. But somehow I can't give them up. What is it about sugar & white flour?

[Aurelia]

82.

Cecily, I have no answers, only you do, deep inside your own heart, but hon, whatever you do, I'll be here reading.

Still yes, I worry about you, and Charlie, I have to admit it. I'm crying here, and I know that everything I say would be taken wrong since I'm not in your body size range, so forgive me for asking---but is there some sort of 12 step program that could either help you lose weight, or accept and love yourself for what you are? Does AA talk about this sort of thing, the substituting of one drug, alcohol, for another, like food?

I only know what I read online about it from you and others, but I hope you can find some peace, somehow.

[Spacemom]

83.

Cecily-

Fat is a state of mind. Do you think of yourself as FAT or out of shape?

Diets do not work. only Moderation works.
And that is hard. Last night I was alone and I finished off my ice cream treat (the girls and I went out to dinner) and bowl of raspberries. I wasn't hungry, I didn't have my husband to chat with. I eat when I am bored. That is one of my issues.

Exercise is important. Not just to weight loss, but for your mind, and soul. Can you take extra walks during the day? If Charlie can be home when Tori naps, can you take a walk around the block? It will clear your head, reduce stress and strengthen your body.

You don't need to be a supermodel or even a "normal"(love that term) BMI. You just have to be happy with who you are!

[Eva]

84.

In general I am okay with my body, although it is a bit excessive, and I do have some health concerns. But my stomach, like you, just drives me nuts. It's all saggy and floppy and stretch marked. I wouldn't do anything to fix it, but I am self-conscious about it.

I eat emotionally. It seems like we learn that behavior so young that it's really just impossible to change. Frustrating. Wish you well. Thank you so much for writing about these kinds of things.

[Auburn]

85.

I'm sorry your struggling with this. I did manage to successfully lose some weight and keep it off but it was one of the hardest things I've ever done and has been a constant struggle. Anyone who tells you it is just about diet and excersise or that calories in and calories out is all that matters is full of shit. I tracked every calorie I consumed and every calorie I burned for a while and I can tell you that a 2500 calorie deficit did not eaqual a pound of weight lost for me. Sometimes it eaqualed 3 pounds lost and sometimes it eaqualed 1 gained and sometimes it made no difference at all. I just don't buy it, not for a second. Our bodies are much more complicated than that. Most doctors understand almost nothing about what really causes people to get and stay fat.

If you have the time watch this show, Fat: What No One is Telling You
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/fat/index.html

I found it really enlightening.

[Manic Mommy]

86.

As you know, I've just found you and am intrigued with your blog, your writing, and your cutie pie Tori.

One thing that struck me, and maybe it was addressed in the comments... you write this: If I was wealthy, I would go--tomorrow--to every single plastic surgeon I could find until I could talk one into removing that belly flap.

Which I would love to do the same--find a plastic surgeon to just cut the crap off my body, like a side of beef being served up at a buffet...

but then you say this about gastric bypass: But it's not for me; to me it feels like self mutilation

Isn't whacking off the belly flap worse so than gastric bypass? I am in no way being judgmental--I think your writing about your weight is very honest and eye-opening, I am just curious!

: )

[Kathleen]

87.

You deserve unconditional love, don't hold it back from yourself!

[Mermaidgrrrl]

88.

Hi babe! Have you ever seen Beth Ditto, the tattooed fat punk singer? Cause I saw her on TV today and was intrigued and then Googled and she fucking rocks! Now if she only lived in my town so we could hang out.... *sigh*

[Amanda]

89.

Wow. You know I think you totally rock, but this is just BS. Diets dont work? You dont want to diet? Its all too hard? Eff that.

Why is it when an American uses the word "diet" they really mean to say "gimmick"?

Forget the fucking shakes and pills and meal replacement turd bars. Forget the all or nothing "I can never meat out again" mentality. Forget carbs and zones and GIs and points and whatever other crap you've read in some bollocky womens mag or on some expert website and just eat food that hasnt been raped to within in inch of its existance.

Go for things with a low level of HI (human intervention). Eat clean, nutritious food most of the time and every now and then you can eat out and it wont be the end of the world.

Do what I do - eat a friggin salad or a piece of fruit before going out, at least you'll get some sort of nutrition and maybe end up eating a few less fries as well :)

The whole fat acceptance thing is rubbish, its like AIDS acceptance or Cancer acceptance - sure, be proud to live with the cards you've been dealt if its not your own hand that dealt them, but dont for a second try to make anyone believe you actually like being that way, cause its a lie and everyone knows it.

You have a gorgeous daughter and a wonderful husband - all in all a pretty nice life, and you owe it to them and yourself to continue it for as long and in the best condition that you can.

Being fat *might* not be a death sentance, but it definitely isnt a viable choice to make. Look around... you see old people and fat people, but do you ever see old fat people? I have NEVER seen a fat person in any sort of decent health after the age of 60 and not a single "obese" person after 70 - it just doesnt happen. Having 8 years of aged care behind me I can bet you dollars to donuts you wont find one either.

[Kate]

90.

I really appreciated this post. It's very similar to what I've been thinking lately. I lost a considerable amount of weight last year, and I'm bit by bit gaining it back. Why? Because I like to eat more than 1200 calories a day (which is what I had to limit myself to in order to lose weight). And because my "trigger" is exercize. While I love walking, and can (and do) walk for hours and hours, I only lose weight if I run, or do some other super hard core, high impact aerobics (kickboxing!), and frankly, my joints (and lungs, thanks athsma!) simply do not allow for that kind of thing on a daily basis. Sucks.

I did have some success using Tenuate, which is a drug that helps the brain control appetite. I lost the last stubborn pounds, and got over my plateau by using this drug. I can't say I'd necessarily recommend it, 'cos it's a bit "speedy" feeling. It made it difficult to exercize because my heart rate was slightly elevated, and it threw me off my diet, because I had to eat higher calorie foods because I was only eating a few bites at every meal. I don't know. Dang it, it worked so fantastically, though. Taking it was like coming out from under a cloud, and realizing that I didn't have to think about food or being hungry all the time. Of course, in it's place was a buzz-headed feeling. (Oh, and it caused serious constipation, which can cause problems...)

Anyway, I'm not as lucky as you, in that I have high cholesterol (and have since I was young and in shape) and have some sugar-processing issues (thanks, PCOS!). So I really should be focusing on my diet, but it just gets so frustrating when you do what you think you should be doing and don't see any results. And frankly, since I'm working on making a baby right now, if another mthereffing person tells me that being fat diminishes fertility and that I should try losing weight, I think I'll effing scream... I lost 60 lbs, and that didn't seem to make my ovaries step up to the plate, jackass...

Oh, and in response to Amanda's prior comment? Man. I just can't even respond without being a complete and total bitch. Your comments were totally judgemental and completely off base. You obviously have no idea what it takes to lose or maintain weight. It's exactly like the Harding article said. Thin people assume that fat people have just failed to "keep a lid" on their eating. Please.
And I know several old fat people, including one who was 95 and "obese" when she passed away a few months ago.

[The Aitch]

91.

Agreed whole heartedly. My problem is in my brain too, soooo My bff went to a consultation here to test it out. http://www.positivechanges.com/WebServer/PositiveChanges/index_new.php
and she loved it. The reason being is they talk about making healthy choices and supposedly helps you choose right times to eat and supposedly stops you from eating when not hungry. Anyway the cost is around 1500 for 45 sessions or about 6 months worth. She is going to do it. IF it works for her I might try too. Oh and from her consultation they said the program works best for people who have been thin before because y our body has that remembrance. So it might just work for us!

That and theres always the lap band!

[Veronica]

92.

Cec, I've always wondered what you think of OA (Overeaters Anonymous). As a fellow 12-stepper (ACOA/Al-Anon) and fat woman and former bulimic, I've always been a leetle bit uncomfortable with the hardline orthodoxy of fat acceptance dogma as laid out by some (e.g., healthy eating is a myth! weight is totally unrelated to food, exercise, or health! you have NO control over your body type or weight!) as it seems too much like the denial of hardcore addicts. At the same time, I think fat acceptance/body type diversity as laid out by Kate Harding is right on and invaluable...so I'm conflicted. And I don't know how I feel about OA. It doesn't focus on weight loss or gain, so in that way it doesn't really undermine fat acceptance; on the other hand, it has a dogma of its own. So I wonder what your thoughts are, if you've ever tried a meeting...

All that aside, it seems to me the crux of it all is surrender: surrender to the fat, and the pleasure of eating whenever and whatever, and exercising as little as you like -- or surrender to a change in eating habits, or surrender to exercise, or surrender to surgical intervention, or surrender to one of the many many other processes mentioned by the other 84 commenters. Just choose, and surrender. That's advice to myself, more than anything.

[legalmama]

93.

I know the odds are against me. And I agree diets don't work. But I can't just give up. I started weight watchers again 6 weeks ago, and it really is amazing. I don't feel deprived or like I am "on a diet" at all. I am so happy with the healthy food I am eating. I feel differently this time than I have the other two times I tried it. This time, I don't add up how much weight I think I can lose by this date or that date, I am not rushing to lose weight as fast as I can, or obsessing about every little ounce. I am also not cutting corners, and am being totally honest with myself about what I am eating every day. I know this is going to take a long long time, and I refuse to let that frustrate me into failure.

But I have spent so much of my life feeling unhappy about my weight, and it is out of control. I don't want to be unhappy on the inside about my outside anymore. I'm not trying to get skinny, or fantasize about wearing a bikini some day. I am setting realistic goals, and trying to go about them in a realistic way. I just want to get to a point where I feel healthy, where I am not embarassed to meet people because I think the first thing they'll think when they meet me is "wow, she's fat." I think the difference this time is that I refuse to equate overeating with weakness. I read this fascinating book which you probably have heard of called "Mindless Eating." It helped me to understand the reasons for a lot of my overeating. I might read that Beck book too, which I've heard about, and someone mentioned.

I know I will never be able to love my body the way it is. Never. I can push it out of my mind sometimes, but not too often. It is always there, this self-loathing, and I am in my 40's. If I don't do it now, when will I? I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can to get back down to something approaching a normal weight, because if I don't, it may not be a death sentence for my body, but I think I will feel dead inside.

If you want inspiration, go to howardmarcrosen.com. That is this man's current blog, A New Life. There is a link to his weight loss blog: A New Hope. He lost 250 pounds. In the course of losing all that weight, he looked up his college girlfriend who he had not seen in more than 20 years. She also had a lot of weight to lose. She lost more than 100 pounds. They just got married last week. They seem to have really changed their lives. I will follow them with great interest, to see if they really can stay so healthy long term.

[JoJo]

94.

I wish I had the answer for you, and I don't have any advice you haven't heard a million times before. I'm truly sorry you're plagued by food demons.

Once I started living this tenet, it made it easier to accept my own weight-loss failures (and stick to its eventual success): Every meal is another opportunity to make a better choice. No matter what you ate for lunch, you can do better at dinner.

[Sunny]

95.

Yup, me too on the weight issues. Therapy works though, I'm telling ya...I've made the decision to *NOT* do gastric bypass also, but I AM looking into the lap band procedure, which doesn't have to be permanent and does not alter the body in such a drastic way as gastric bypass. There is a woman in my nursin classes that had gastric bypass several years ago...some days I'm so jealous! But the trade off on the GI problems is not worth it to me. I feel that I'm messed up my metabolism so bad over the years, that combined with my eating disorder, a plan to consciously diet will only hurt me more in the long run. That part of my brain that wants to be obsessed with food looooves the dieting. Thus the looking into lap banding.

I do call my dietician the food police, poor guy, but he is helpful and encouraging. When I think I've been eating lots of crap and making poor choices, he'll be the voice of reason ('cuz I certainly don't have one) and tell me that I'm doing well, and one mini-snickers does not make a horrible diet.

The group I participate in is fabulous--amazing to be with so many women who automatically 'get it' when it comes to food. If you can get your insurance to pay for it, I'd look into the therapy option that specializes in eating issues. Most importantly, they advocate not dieting, because as you've so eloquently said "They don't fucking work!" The freedom is amazing, the initial 'freedom' of weight gain is scary, the lack of obsession with food puzzling, and the actual 'full' sensation after eating small meals makes me downright suspicious. Your own mileage may vary...

[Sunny]

96.

Just a comment to Amanda...we have lots of over 70 obese people in the nursing homes I've worked in. Oh, and eating a salad or fruit before going out is just one more "rule" aka "diet mentality". Get over yourself.

Skinny does not automatically equal healthy either.

[Meira]

97.

Heh. I have to wonder how Amanda put together 8 years of aged care -- does she tell her patients to "Eff that -- Just do this and be healthy already, you whiner!" I hope she can drum up more compassion for them then for the person she thinks "totally rocks!"

[Gillian]

98.

I worked in Northern CA in the early eighties when the anti-smokers campaign was getting it's feet under it. No, it wasn't anti-smoking that was a given. It was an attack on those individuals who smoked. It was so safe to assail smokers already that a commendation about my work that was posted was covered with graffiti about my being a stinky smoker who was driving up health care costs and must be attacked for the good of the masses. At that time, I said that they should just line up all the smokers against a wall and shoot us. It would save a lot of time and enmity in the long run. But, I also said,if every smoker was suddenly dead they would come after people who are overweight. Because it is the righteous cause that they it their addiction. Weight is an issue. It is not a public forum with permission for strangers to attack others with impunity. And for every person who posts topical venom for not breast feeding or breast feeding without a burka or any such cause. You may never run out of people with motes in their eyes so you will never get busy on the log in your own. We deserve better from one another.

[Shelley]

99.

Two extremely overweight people in my circle of friends and acquaintances have, in the last couple of years or so, managed to lose more than 150 lbs each and are maintaining the loss. So I've seen with my own eyes that it can be done, although I understand (as well as I can understand without being in that position, that is), that it's incredibly hard.

I guess the part of your post that really makes me sad is that trying to make a new, healthy lifestyle change and not succeeding in maintaining the change makes you even more down on yourself, and therefore in an even worse position than when you began. I like what someone said about every meal being an opportunity to make better choices -- it's not about the past, it's about your present and future. It takes an enormous amount of courage to try to make a positive change -- because you might fail. But even when you screw up, you can always try again.

I wish you the best, I really do.

[Kristin]

100.

We have already talked about this, Cecily, so this link is not so much for you as for the women in your comments who are suffering from "eating like an alcoholic".

http://www.overeatersanonymos.org