That Question

In light of my posting about the behavior of alcoholic women, someone asked me again the big question: what will we tell Tori about alcohol and drugs given our history?

I often hesitate to answer the question because I always feel like what I'm really being asked is "How can you tell your daughter not to use drugs or drink without looking like a total hypocrite?" The answer? I can't.

But the real reason I don't want to answer the question is because I know my answer won't be popular.

Although I, personally, am an addict and an alcoholic, I do not believe that there is anything inherently wrong, bad, or evil about either alcohol or even most drugs. I do not feel that it is imperative that I impart a strong "Just say NO!" message to Tori. My feelings? She's probably going to get drunk. She'll probably smoke pot. She might smoke a cigarette or two (I'm on the fence about whether or not cigarettes are evil). She might eat some 'shrooms or drop some acid. I generally hope she steers away from the big guns--cocaine and heroin--the same way I hope she steers away from conservative politics.

My friend Sandy had a great philosophy with her two sons. She told them not to put their penises anywhere without putting on a condom first, and to not get behind the wheel, or get into a car with someone else behind the wheel, intoxicated by any substance, even cold medicine. That was it. I think that makes a lot of sense, except, of course, that Tori doesn't have a penis. Of her own. Yet.

Ahem.

We will, however, be honest about our history. We will, OF COURSE, discuss the fact that most things on that list of drugs above are clearly illegal and that to partake of them is to risk considerable consequences. We will highlight, in depth, the fact that alcoholism is a genetic disease and her chances of having it are extremely high and she should approach alcohol and other drugs with great caution.

I will talk to her about how you become stupid and make dumb choices when you are intoxicated, and that you often put yourself at risk when high or drunk. I will talk to her about how often sexual assault happens to young women in those circumstances.

I will talk to her about how much I love her, how smart I think she is, and how much I wish for her to make good choices. But I will not behave like the world has come to an end if she gets drunk or high. I know lots of people will disagree with me on this, but there you go.

Now, do you want to know how I feel about teenage sex?

Comments

[Annika]

I think that is a wonderful approach, and if more people were honest and open with their children there would probably be fewer lives ruined by addiction and the various mistakes we make when we're high or drunk. I even think it is OK to let older kids have a drink with dinner. Three cheers for unpopular approaches!

[Abigail]

So much sense here. I agree, not only is it Puritan and silly to insist that drugs and alcohol are bad and wrong, it doesn't work. You want to get a teenager to do something? Tell them they shouldn't. I'm planning on a similar approach to yours. The only thing that scares me is other parents being intolerant, not that I care for myself but I do for my kid.

Teenage sex? Wear a condom, respect people, no means no, wear a condom, have fun, there might be some feelings involved so be prepared for that. And wear a condom. I'm hoping the male pill is available in, oh, about 13 years.

[dawn]

I grew up knowing that genetically I had a predisposition to alcoholism and I knew what alcoholism had wrought in my family so I was pretty scared of drugs/alcohol and it drove my choices. (Like I never had more than one drink, I never tried cocaine even when my boyfriend was dealing but enjoyed the occasional acid trips 'cuz acid isn't addictive.) Right now I talk to Noah about HIS predisposition (closer in his case 'cuz of his now sober dad) and also point out the people we know and love who struggle with addiction and the ways it derails their lives. A lot of this came up when he wanted a gameboy because we know some game-addicted people and I said that having a gameboy was going to be in part about him using it responsibly and that we (Brett and I) were there to help him recognize his limits but that this was kinda like his first step for trying on things that can take over your life without it meaning to happen.

I don't know how it'll end up being for him but I kinda think you give 'em the information and you're honest about drunkeness (in all forms) and sobriety and you hope they have the tools to live their lives. I just hope I don't make myself crazy worrying about it 'cuz I'm like that!

[rachel]

i agree with everything you said except for the acid part.

it would just kill me if tori took it one time and the chemical reaction was so strong it left a hole in her brain, ya know? it really does happen. that's why i pressure my sister not to do acid, but to try everything else her heart desires, except for the big guns, like you.

and amen to everything else said here.

the end.

[Ellen]

It's funny that you would feel judgement implicit in that question. It seems to me that no one would be able to talk to their kids with more conviction or sense about this topic than a recovering alcoholic. As far as I'm concerned your experience actually gives you a leg up on the rest of us on the responsible use question.

[Laura]

hummm as a adult child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic/ addict and being married to an alcoholic with the combined sobriety/clean time of more than 65 years i chose to tell my kids one who is 19 and a cop! yes 19 years old and a cop and the other who is soon to be 16, that if it is illegal you should not do it and you will not do it in my house or i will put you in jail... sorry but i wont loose all i have worked for so my kids can experiement with illegal drugs, things are very different now compaired to when i was a teen. as for sex i prefer you wait but if you cant then COVER it and get your ass on the pill. i took my sons girlfriend to the health dept myself i was very serious about no unwanted babies. soon it will be 4 years since my son and his girl have been together and they are becoming quite the young adults shes in college and as i mentioned above he is a cop~! yeah we are proud of him. my daughter is in high school and as of now has decided to wait for marriage, if she does not make that goal i am sure her dissapointment in breaking her goal will be greater than mine as i am so proud of her descisions so far in life. and i see i am babbleing so i will stop, point here is each parent makes choices in how they raise their kids and these are tough issues and i am sure no two will do exactly the same thing. in the end given information love and letting them know they are responsible for the consequenses of their descisions in my experience makes for wonderful young adults!

[Holly]

One thing worth mentioning which I myself would not have known unless my parents told me, is that there is a proven link between drug use (expecially pot) and schizophrenia.
I have an uncle with schizophrenia, a man who is nearing 50 but has never had a girlfriend, never held a job, and has been frequently homeless because he gets evicted after threatening confrontations with his neighbours when he thinks they are monitoring him.
I never wanted to end up like that so I never touched pot or any other drug (except the occasional drink).

[Holly]

Hmm, html doesn't seem to work in these comment fields. I added this link to my previous comment:
http://www.schizophrenia.com/prevention/streetdrugs.html

[bh]

I've always taken the realistic,frank approach with my boys. You know...."OK guys...I'm not stupid...I went to college too...I know what happens there..." I've told them I know is unrealistic for me to expect them not to try things...but there is a difference between trying and enjoying occasionally and letting it screw up your life. Same with sex...I know you're going to do it but you don't want the consequences of not being protected and getting sick or having a child you're not ready for. I guess "moderation and brains" is the best rule to go by...and I can only hope they listened. I guess I'm a (halfway)good example of the fact that you can enjoy those things and still be a responsible, healthy adult.

[Miss W]

Personally, I think you need to re-think this. I don't mean for this to be judgemental. I respect your points that there are substances that in and of themselves aren't necessarily "bad" and that a lot of that is in the personality of the person doing it. However, she does have the genetic pre-disposition (if you believe in that, which, obviously since I mention it I do) for addiction.

Further...while the actual drug might not be bad -- that doesn't mean that every time one gets that drug they are actually getting that drug. I went to college with a fresh-out-of rehab addict (she's now a doctor and remains clean). Several people she knew were in the hospital because (and I have no idea how it works that you don't notice it) they had smoked weed that had trace amounts of poison ivy. (Obviously her friends were morons, but what if it were their first time smoking pot -- would they know what it's supposed to look like?).

I also sat in the ICU for MONTHS (1/1/96 to 4/1/96) watching my cousin die because of drugs he had taken. And he did avoid the "big guns" -- he just got a bad batch of something and ended up with seizures that wouldn't stop.

[Jenn]

I think that's a sensible approach. I worry about it with my boys. My father is a recovering alcoholic. I am not, but my brother (who was too little to remember what it was like living with a drunk father) is. Seeing what life was like with my father kept me from going down that path. I worry that they'll have the genetic predisposition but not that drive to stay away from it that I had.

[Katie]

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that approach. But I also think there would be no harm in telling her that she can choose to never try alcohol or drugs and she can be successful at it. I have never tried alcohol* or drugs in any form. I don't think I'm incredibly unique or have extra abilities that allowed me to choose that. (And yes, I did wait until marriage for sex too.)

*When I was about 10, we were at a New Year party, and I took a drink of my dad's orange juice. He wouldn't let me have any more, and in retrospect, I realize it was a screwdriver. Also, when I was 1, I got drunk on Baby Tylenol and had to have my stomach pumped. Do those count?

[anonymousey]

I'm an ex addict as well. My dad smoked a lot of pot and did a lot of coke when he was a truck driver but we never saw it. Never even knew until we were adults and he was long clean. (He quit when we were young - six and three, I believe.)

I wonder how much different my life would have been if my dad had been honest about drugs. My parents never mentioned them except to say "Don't do it." I wonder if/when I have kids, what I'll say to them.

I like your answer. It's completely unreasonable to expect them to never touch drugs, cigarettes, alcohol or another human being in a sexual way. Drugs are tempting and peer pressure is a bitch.

As for teenage sex... What age are we talkin' here? Eighteen, nineteen? I don't see a big problem with it at that age. I went to a Christian school and didn't have sex (or become an addict) until I was nineteen. Earlier than that and I think it's society and peers telling them "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT THIS IS WHAT FEELS GOOD THIS IS WHAT IS POPULAR AND THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS!"

Okay, maybe not that. But close.

It's so hard being young, especially in a culture like ours. Sex sells, and people sell sex along with coffee, deodorant, music and clothes. Kids are exposed to sex, *bombarded*, but then we turn around and tell them no no no! Not till you're married! Confusing for ANYONE, let alone kids who are going through emotional and physical changes that we don't equip them for.

So what do I think about teenage sex? I think they're going to have sex because they're surrounded by sex. We can at least prepare them for it by telling them about the consequences and giving them advice about how to be safe.

xoxo
katrina

[baseballmom]

I have to agree with you on this one. As some know, my dad died of alcoholism in July, and growing up, I saw all that it did to him, and that it sometimes made him act like an idiot. I knew I was genetically predisposed. I also did a lot of drinking and a LOT of pot in high school and college. Later on, when I'd had enough of it, I settled down. My parents knew that I experimented, and even let us have parties at our house, but I was smart enough to stop later. I guess that I am lucky that I never became addicted. I now drink very rarely, even when other people are drinking. I sometimes will have one beer or a drink, but never enough to get impaired, because I just don't like the feeling of being out of control. Incidentally, my friends whose parents absolutely forbid all substances were the ones who did it the most, and were the most reckless!

[emmay]

As a fellow recovering alcoholic (20 years last week...woot!) I plan on being honest with my daughters. I am in total agreement with you. Sheltering them completely and going ballistic isn't going to get anyone anywhere. Sobriety is about being honest with yourself above all, and acknowledging that our kids are going to drink and may do drugs is just that...being honest and acknowledging a truth. I hope you're still blogging when you have these conversations with Tori, so I can maybe pick up a few tips!!

[Sherry]

God, I'm SO on the fence with this one.

On the one hand, I agree, totally, and would expect any parent to be frank and honest and, most of all, realistic with what they tell their children about drugs and alcohol. You've been there, you've done it, and you've a unique perspective to present when it comes that time.

However.

The other part of me inherently disagrees with giving any leeway where drugs and alcohol are concerned. Nevermind the effects of the substances themselves, but what about respecting rules and laws, even though we don't necessarily agree with them?

And the cigarettes. That struck me most. My FIL, a smoker of 40+ years, is suffering from COPD. My mother likely has emphysema as a result of smoking. Sure, it's a choice to pick it up, but the sticks are certainly evil.

[Ashley]

I come from a long line of alcoholics but have no substance addictions (unless coffee counts) and the husband man has a clean past and mostly clean family history. I"m not worried about the addiction factor for my kids.

I hope to make alcohol a "normal" thing instead of this forbidden drug. I don't drink much, and DH never ever does, but I plan to have wine at dinner around my kids without worrying about it, and offering them some when they're like 15 or so.

As for drugs, not in my house, if you get caught I won't bail you out.

As for sex, I'll be pretty open about that with my kids, make sure the girls are on the pill, and hopefully the boys too.

[Ashley]

Cigarettes will be functionally forbidden. DH has an amazing sense of smell and finds it repulsive. He'll say "I don't care if you smoke, but I better not smell it on you." Considering he can smell my nailpolish for 2 days.....

(I"m opposed to smoking, I find it gross, I've seen what it does to people, and I will have a huge problem if my kids smoke.)

[RainbowW]

lemme guess: "don't catch anything you can't throw back?"

just so you know, btw, the only thing to say to someone who tells you she's pregnant -- no matter her age -- is "congratulations." all the hard bits can be sorted out later.

keep that in mind. ;-)

[Jo-Ann]

I think that you thought out how to approach Tori and it is great. This is something I think about alot and I loved Sandy's advice to her boys.
Wildman has seen people smoke and has tried to emulate it with sticks. I try to tell him it is a dirty habit and will cause him not to run as fast as he can now. I hope that it sinks in.

[Mom of 3 boys]

Love your blog....and I am married to a man who is a recovering alcoholic...plus my ex-husband is a drug addict....my whole life has been surrounded by these issues...I found that honesty with my children works best, I don't hide any of the crap from them, they are smarter than we think. They can not make good choices if they are not aware of the good and the bad...

[Ashley]

You're on the fence about whether or not cigarettes are evil? Seriously? I'm in my last year of Physician Assistant school - I'll have my Master's, and honestly, almost EVERY SINGLE disease process or condtion we learn about has a risk factor of smoking. Heart disease, cancer, stroke, depression, osteoporosis, even schizophrenia! I hope that our children will be the generation that finally realize that smoking is both deadly, for people and our earth, and completely nonsensical.

And, yes, I want to hear your view on teenage sex...

[Anna]

I agree with this approach, but I would also add (I think someone already said this) that it's okay to choose NOT to do any of these things, as well.

[porter]

I have been out of the bloggy loop for quite some time...mainly behind in reading...lots going on. First, love the new name/look and most of all the pic of Tori and the bubbles.
I couldn't agree with what you've said in this post more.

[SassyBelle]

My mom contracted AIDS either through sex or sharing a dirty needle. She was an addict with ten years clean when she died. My father was an addict who killed himself while high.

I don't drink or do drugs.

But my mother never told me: Holy shit, don't do it! She said, "Look what it can do to people. Make your own choices."

I think being raised in the program has more to do with my personal approach to it all than anything she said. When you grow up seeing people struggle with it... my response was to stay the hell away from it.

I think it's a sensible approach. Also, Tori? SO LUCKY to have you as a mum.