Another New Year Begins...

I've been finding myself feeling more rueful than usual as this year draws to a close. This is the last year I'll be in my thirties--I'll turn 40 this spring--and while that is generally rather meaningless, I can feel the shadows of a midlife crisis circling.

I have such a good life; I have a man that loves me unconditionally and passionately. A daughter that is perfect, charming, adorable, and enchanting (do you know what she's just started doing? Every time I tell her I love her she comes and gives me a hug. Could she be any cuter?). I have the best dog ever™. A cat the mostly uses the litter pan, and doesn't ever bite Tori, not matter how hard Tori pulls on her tail. A best friend many people would kill for. A mother that loves Tori and lives close by. A new car. A nice house that gets nicer every minute that our buddy Fred keeps hanging around fixing things.

But I find myself feeling a bit sad about stupid things; I no longer have the power to draw men's glances across a bar (OK, maybe it was just the big "slut" sign on my forehead, but I did have that power at one point). I have reached that age where most people see a "ma'am" instead of a "miss." No one would ever card me for beer or cigarettes (and I no longer indulge in beer and cigarettes, which I also find myself missing a bit today). It's unlikely that I'll find myself in the flush of new love again; and while I have something so much more amazing now--a deep and abiding true love that cannot be matched--I sometimes miss the days of burning so hot that I out shined the sun.

I'm firmly entrenched in the middle of my life now. I'm no longer at the beginning. I can see, now, why people have affairs (calm down, Charlie, I am so NOT going to have an affair), or buy fast cars, or take up rock climbing (I might, however, take up rock climbing). It feels a little bit, now, like I've done it all--like there's nothing new to explore. I've already lived six or seven different lives, some of them in different parts of the country. I am now simply placing one foot in front of the other, waiting for the next thing to happen.

There is great joy in this, of course. I now actually have the ability to live in the moment, to find the hope and magic in the mundane. I no longer feel the compulsion to change the world--and, honestly, that is so freeing. Changing the world is a big job, and I don't really want to have to do it. I have the capacity to sit still now, to listen to a piece of classical music and really hear it without the impatience of youth demanding that it fucking end all ready. I can enjoy just laying in bed with my husband, our arms loosely entwined, feeling content to just be. I can sit on the floor with Tori and watch her push the triangle through the triangle shaped hole over and over again and applaud it each time with equal enthusiasm because I have the patience that nearly 40 years of being on this planet has given me.

But sometimes it's hard to just smolder when you used to burn. It's one of the joys of growing old, but one of the big lessons in humility that comes with aging as well. I know I don't want to be like those people you see trying so hard to stay on fire with the surgeries and the crazy hair and make-up and inappropriate clothes. I am trying to let my skin settle comfortably around me, and just trust that it belongs where it falls, even if part of me thinks perhaps it should still be up a tad (ok, a lot) higher.

Because the truth is, as I head into 2008--a number that is as completely unspectacular as my life is--I have everything I want. I have a perfect life. I have become an ember instead of a flame, and I am learning to be content with that. I plan to head into the new year with only this one resolution--to continue to trust that my skin does, in fact, fit me. I wish the same for you as well.

Happy New Year, everybody. May you find happiness in the skin you're in.

Comments

[Chickenpig]

You're going to be 40? I thought you were 35 tops! After spending more than half of my 30's trying very hard to have children, and getting old in the process, I'm looking forward to spending the last couple of years of my "youth" enjoying my young children. I wish I had the energy of the 30 year old I was when I was hoping to be a parent, but instead I have more patience and acceptance.

I kind of wish sometimes that my husband and I still had our flush of youth and first love, but then I realize the embers are still there...we've just got to fan the fire a little ;) Of course, with twin two year olds and one on the way, that's easier said than done. All in all, I'm pretty happy in my skin though. (ask me again come July, and I might not be so happy)

Your skin looks great...Happiness looks good on you. I hope I look as wrinkle free as you do in a few years :)

[Laura]

I am 40 and I love 40! like so many have said its a fantastic time in life and embers do flair up and start HUGE fires! thank you for opening your life to me and blogging you are a wonderful inspiration! Have a Gr8 08!
Hugs Peach

[Christina (in MO)]

to continue to trust that my skin does, in fact, fit me.

You got 'it'!!

or maybe you knew it all along and just didn't realize it..I'll go with that. Your too smart to not be able to have figured this one out on your own.

Happy New Year Madame Cecily~

[Christina (in MO)]

to continue to trust that my skin does, in fact, fit me.

You got "it"!!

I think you knew this all along. You are too smart to not have been able to figure this one out on your own.

Happy New Year Madame Cecily~

[mirabel]

"May you find happiness in the skin you're in."

This made me cry, since it is something I try to do every day, some days with more success than others. What a good sentiment to start the new year.

Thanks for a freaking awesome post!

[Kira]

Happy New Year!
And I highly recommend rock climbing for making yourself feel like the baddest badass to ever strap on an unflattering harness. Seriously.

[Kris]

Wow. That was an excellent post. It is like you read my mind, but are so much better at putting it on paper than I EVER would be. I am turning 30 this year. I feel every inch of this post the same as you do... every inch. Wow. Bravo.

[Christine]

Talk about a timely post! I was thinking these things just the other day. You, of course, worded it much more clearly than my muddled thoughts.

Not only was your post beautiful, but so were all the responses. It's wonderful to see that so many of us are thinking the same thing. (I am approaching 37 by the way).

Just the other day I had a 20-something male completely ignore me at the autoparts store and I had that glimpse of sadness that they don't care about me anymore. I know it's pathetic, but it's nice to be noticed.

The fact is, I'm in a different stage of life.

You're wonderful, Cec. I LOVE your posts, this being probably my favorite.

[Amy]

Ahh I so know what you mean. I will be 42 this year and experiencing much of what you described. The year I turned 40 I went out and bought myself a Jeep. The vehicle I had always hoped to own 'someday'. (Yeah, ok. Totally impractical with 3 kids but whatever ;)

This past year I turned 41 and finally went to Europe, something I never thought I would do. Had a wonderful time with my sisters and hope to go again.

42... not sure what I will get up to this year but vow every year from here on out I will do SOMETHING that challenges me.

And the great thing about the 40's is that you have so much more CONFIDENCE to realize your dreams and make them happen! (Dammit).

Here's to 2008! Keep on blogging, we love ya!

[kheatherg]

I was thinking in those terms too over the holiday. However, i was trying to figure out why we have so much "Stuff"..... Like maybe we've gone too far in "keeping up with the jones'" and just wondering why we dont have a simpler life? I dunno..... just glancing back at an expensive year i suppose.

[kate]

Oh, I've been there. I think my midlife crisis came early. Turning 30 a couple of years ago kinda crushed me, especially since that birthday was the one that happened right about the time that I realized that we were stuck in this not-so-great town, and were probably going to be here for the long haul (and the day itself was just shitty, terribly, horribly shitty). Realizing that this tiny, small life I was leading was really going to be IT- well, that took a major amount of adjustment, not only in lifestyle, but in expectations as well.
And now, there are still echos of that. I miss my hometown terribly. I miss having deep, lifelong friends just around the corner. I miss having a decent coffee shop. But in trade, I get to have a pretty awesome life with my husband (who, by the way, will also be 40 this year).
I know, it's not the exact same as realizing a deep sense of contentment, but it's similar in that realizing a lack of pending excitement in your life does totally suck sometimes.

[birdie]

What a fantastic post! Love it.

[Celeste]

It's not easy to become sexually invisible. However you are in some great company. I find I really enjoy hanging out with older women. There is a lot to learn from them about stuff like this and a lot more. There is no shortage of beauty, but it doesn't look the same as 20 year old beauty. Charlie's post from last year about the passing of a dear woman from his life speaks about it. Who you are, and what you give to the people you love...that's what makes you beautiful, Cecily.

[porter]

I really enjoyed this post. My hope for 2008 is to just be content...sounds like you are there now.

[Elaine]

I've felt this too. Not that the "turning heads" ever entered much into my life, so I don't notice that being gone (this perhaps is because I've lived in Japan for most of my adult life, and most Japanese men just don't "see" foreign women), but the lukewarm aspect: this I've noticed.

However, when I sometimes feel sad for not feeling the incandescent joy I used to experience, I also realize I have so many fewer huge lows. I've thought that perhaps that's the payoff. We just have so much more experience, and while that may make us skeptical about the good parts, the wry humor we get to deal with the bad ones is kind of fun.