Juggling

Things I learned today:

1. The new minivan handles snow squalls quite beautifully.

2. I can still wear make up and dress like an adult.

3. Driving at high speeds while singing Christmas carols in a snow squall is highly restorative.

Here's proof of number two:

Today I met with a potential client about an hour and fifteen minutes north of here in lovely scenic Doylestown, PA. It was a lot more driving by myself than I've done in a good long while, and the meeting ending up being a whopping seven minutes total (but hey--I don't mind that the client wants to put a face to the website and resume), but I enjoyed having a bit of time to myself.

But at the same time, I feel horribly guilty about it.

Trying to make a living at home and also be a good mom is turning out to be more of a challenge than I initially expected. When I'm working on the computer and Tori comes over to me and stretches up her arms to me and begs to be picked up and I just can't stop working to do it, I feel awful. More often than not I do stop, but sometimes that makes things even worse for Tori when I have to put her back down again (plus, Tori has developed an absolute OBSESSION with my computer mouse--like it is responsible for taking me away from her).

The other day Tori and I decided not to get out of our pajamas all day. We snuggled and played and watched movies and she nursed, on and off, all day long. I couldn't help but feel like all that nursing was  to make up for all the snuggling she misses as I work.

Most of the time I feel lucky that I have this opportunity to do the work I love and get paid for it. I love to put words together in a way that works, and most of the time I really enjoy what I do (even when I'm jamming an awkward phrase into a very well written paragraph to make the website come up faster in Google searches). Many of the folks around me have begun to have that same success; in fact, Sarah just put together an absolutely beautiful book of her photographs that would make a perfect gift for someone on your list this Christmas (and if you guys buy a lot of her books, she can afford to buy ME a present). I just got back in touch with another friend that decided what she wanted more than anything else in the world was to write a cookbook and work for our local NPR station, and by god, she did it!

But I'm finding the whole working at home thing to be both a dream come true and quite a juggling act. Part of it is because I don't have an office, I suspect. Part of it is because Charlie is also very busy with work as well. Right now our life looks like this: we get up, eat breakfast, Tori plays in the living room (yes, while watching today's crap ass Sesame Street), dining room and kitchen; I work at my desk in the kitchen's breakfast nook while Charlie spreads his editing out on the dining room table. I often then take Tori to a playgroup or story hour; we occasionally sneak in a meeting for the adults; and then while Tori naps in the afternoon we desperately try to cram in more work. On top of all of that, we both try to answer emails, read blogs, post to our blogs, and also cook, clean, bathe ourselves and the baby, walk the dog, go to the playground, etc. Ten at night more often than not will find one or both Charlie and I working, working, working. Not fun at all. I don't get to sleep most nights these days until after one in the morning.

Sometimes? It feels like I worked less when I had a job.

I hear you all rolling your eyes (I can hear that, you know) and busting out your quarter-inch violins to play for me, but really, I just don't know how to balance the needs of an active, curious, involved toddler with my work and not go mad. Not to mention doing the few things I enjoy; last week I spent a few hours working on photographs I took of the inside of our piano while it was getting tuned (who knew it was so beautiful in there?) and while it was the most fun I had all week, I felt terrible about wasting time doing it. But I know that if I don't feed my soul I won't have anything to give to my work OR my parenting. Not to mention my marriage. Or my dog. Or my friends. Or this blog.

Sigh.

So, how do you guys do it? How do you balance your needs against all the other things pulling at you on a daily basis? What great tricks have you learned so far? The only trick I've developed is to freak the fuck out and take myself to the movies every few weeks. There's got to be something better. I'm all ears.

Comments

[Becky]

Totally sympathize.
For the first year of Sam's life, I did copywriting at home. It was really, really hard to prospect for clients, write, and be completely devoted to the boy. It usually meant working in the wee hours of the morning.

I'm now copywriting at an agency from 8-5. (Long story of moving for school.) And, honestly, it's way less work. Plus, when I'm home, I get to totally focus on Sam and Nate. I'm not worried about scratching out a living. I miss the mornings with Sam -- most of the afternoons he sleeps anyway, but I don't miss the juggling.

Oh, and I finished a children's stoyr -- first creative work in over a year.

I'd like to work at home again for the flexibility, but I'd have to figure out how to have more downtime -- if only my dog could be a nanny . . .

[Carla Hinkle]

Umm, Cecily? It is called Paid Child Care.

Seriously. I know there are people who do it (Dawn at This Woman's Work, for one), but I have absolutely NO IDEA how people work from home with no childcare. I work 1/3 to 1/2 time from home. And I have 20 hours a WEEK of paid child care. And I still have to work in the evenings, too, but there is no chance on God's Green Earth that I could work if I didn't have some child care.

I still feel bad when I go back into my home office and shut the door and the baby cries to see me walk away, or my 3.5 year old says "Mama, don't work!" But that is the only way I could possibly do it.

I still feel stretched between time with the kids, cooking, keeping the house reasonbly picked up (oh, and I have someone to come clean once a week too, am I spoiled or WHAT), shopping, family time, etc etc etc. I would think you are going to give yourself a nervous breakdown the way you are doing it now.

[Michelle]

I work 3 days a week, from home. There is no way in hell I could do it without sending my daughter to daycare for -- this is important part -- the exact number of hours I work.

My almost 3-year-old has always been a horrible napper/sleeper and is very clingy which in a way was a blessing, because I had no illusions I could be productive while she was at home with me. Yes I can do some work at home at 9 pm after she goes to sleep but I also occasionally need to use toddler-free time to call around to find a plumber or go to the dentist or something else like that.

So that is what I recommend. Our daycare has a sliding scale and offers scholarships, you could probably look into something like that if you dont think you could swing it financially.

Wishing you the best of luck. I wish I had your guts to follow your heart and do work that you love.

[Abigail]

Fuck if I know. I work at a family business and tried bringing mine to work. Even as an infant it was a total failure. Apparently we need separate work time and mommy time. Sounds like you might too. Maybe try more structure in your schedule? Make designated work spaces that are separated somehow, if you have room? Now my boy is in school and I miss him but I also feel more like me, you know?

[Erin]

I'm going to second the recommendation for paid Child Care. Perhaps you can find someone that comes to the home for at least some hours each week. I know when I work from home with the baby, nothing gets done.

[CTG]

We have lobster and marvey in part time pre-school. They are there 3 days a week and they LOVE IT. We eased them into it over the summer and once they figured out that they could have fun ALL DAY LONG and nobody was going to be preoccupied folding laundry or writing or running errands or reading boring grown up stuff, they were all about it. As for the rest of the juggling including separate work/homespace... Uh...when we figure it out I'll be sure to let you know :D

[kari]

I started working full-time from home last March, and there was a brief period where I didn't have any child care 3 days a week... and I nearly got fired. There's no way I could do my job without somebody else entertaining my son. I never feel like I'm being a good enough parent or a good enough employee, but at least with the nanny (and my parents two days a week), I feel like my son is well taken care of. The nanny takes him completely out of the house for about 3 hours in the morning so that I can get some solid work done. She's not here while he naps, but by then I've done most of a day's work, and I can finish up what I need to after he goes to bed. Still don't have much time for anything but work and kid (sorry, husband), but for now it's a decent solution.

Good luck!

[Melissa in TN]

I am not employed and still find it hard to do everything that I need to do around the house with my little sweetie.

By the way, that is an awesome picture of you. You look very pretty.

I hope you find a solution.

[Jan, Fascinating]

The answer, of course, is like everyone above said: mostly, people don't.

If I were you, I'd a school-age girl (or boy) to come to your house after school and play with Tori. You can pay her $4/hour and she'll be delighted to make it. You don't have to get a responsible adult, because you'll be there if anything comes up, you just need her to entertain Tori. What about Sarah's daughter? Could you hire her part-time?

The other thing you might be able to do is some kind of a babysitting trade. You take their kid two days a week (and don't try to work during that time) and they take yours two days.

Good luck -- mothering IS a juggling act, it just takes different forms on different days.

[Sarah]

Someone else said it first, but paid Child Care. I think it sounds harder to have someone come in because Tori wills till see you there, but that is a choice. Or a children's center. Or a college student, or a grandmotherly type. 15-20 hours a week will amaze you. You can get so much done in that time when motivated. And it can come with tax breaks that can make it more affordable.

[Kathleen]

You need a door.

I don't know anyone, myself included, who has successfully worked at home while their toddler/young kid could actually see them. Hell, it's tough for my 15 year old to remember that I'm "on duty" now that our computer is in the living room.

Here are some ideas that either I've used or I've seen used successfully:

-Block scheduling. You do not have to be married to the concept of the work week. So start thinking of all seven days as consisting of blocks of time, instead of the way you did when you worked outside the home.

You already take the girl out in the morning, so that's a block of time for Charlie to work. You've both got nap time. Now come up with more blocks of time.

For instance, hire a college student to come in a few evenings a week while you and Charlie either leave the house or work where Tori cannot see you. Or perhaps pay Sarah's daughter to watch Tori at their house a few afternoon/evenings a week. Yes, you'll miss diner together, but who says you can't make lunch the big family meal of the day instead of diner (& it's better for you.) One of you takes Tori Saturday mornings, the other Saturday afternoons. Etc.

Do the same with chores, fun time, etc. The key to success is going what you are supposed to be doing during that block of time. At first it feel ridiculous but not trying to get everything done in the same time period helps reduce chaos a lot.

-Daycare. Look into a Mother's Morning Out or a co-op. If she went just three mornings or afternoons a week for three hours, minus the commute time, you and Charlie would gain at least six childfree working hours.

-Work comes first. I'm not always successful at this, but when I am, it pays off big time. When I am in work time, work comes first. Not reading blogs, checking email, etc. Once I'm done with my work, I get to as much as the other stuff as I can. Also, set aside a half hour of the day to just answer emails. If you answer them all day long, they wind up taking way too much time. Same with returning phone calls. People will catch on on when they can expect to hear back from you.

And, of course, I still freak the fuck out every now and then.

[dawn]

Way back when I was first trying to get stuff done with two kids (because remember Noah was like five when I started at ePregnancy so I could work around his needs pretty easily) I should have put more effort into childcare. I know that with you both home the need for childcare isn't quite as urgent but having a mother's helper (think homeschooled tween who would love to have tea parties with an adorable toddler and make a little bit of spending money doing it) would make a huge difference in your sanity and your productivity not to mention lessen your guilt!!

[Jenny]

Ok so I stumbled across your blog about a week ago and I've been loving it and waiting for new blog posts. I'm a nanny so I just wanted to put my two cents in. First of all, I think paid childcare could help you soooo much. It certainly doesn't have to be all day, and it can really add to your daughter's day....she could get to go to the park, or a million other fun things while you are able to get some work done. It could really work well for everyone involved. I wanted to point out that, although a younger babysitter type deal might be fine, in my experience kids get pretty mad if their parent is home and they are being kept away from them. Instead of being productive you end up hiding from your kid! I would suggest someone a bit older who could take Tori on outings, or maybe a nanny share where she hangs out at someone elses house and you share the cost of the childcare provider. OR you could of course look into daycares/preschools. Please feel free to email me if you want any more info!

[Jo-Ann]

Preschools around here start at 18 months old and are a few mornings a week and cost less than 100 a month. R is in 3 mornings and I pay 60 a month. It would be fun for her and help you. Sounds like an after school teenager thing will help too. Babysitting co-ops are also very cool.

You can do it. Even of she goes to preschool for a few mornings a week you will still be with her more than if you worked full time.

[porter]

I haven't figured out how to balance things and I'm just staying home raising my girls...I don't know how I would fit in working from home with a wee one. You might need to hire someone to lend a hand but of course that cuts into the money.

[Chickenpig]

I wish I could help you there :)I haven't worked for money since the twins were born. I have very little time to explore any creative outlets (except for knitting while I watch TV) and I think my husband and I have been out to see 2 movies and out to eat 3 times total. I plan to put the two of them in pre school two or three times a week when they turn 3 so I can pursue a graduate degree in something so that I have a career to return to. I think having a nanny come in a few days a week would be a great help to you, and it wouldn't hurt to have a cleaning service on occasion to give you a break there, too, if you can swing it.

I think you looked very pretty and professional in your picture. Not that you look like crap the rest of the time or anything ;)

[Melissa]

"The only trick I've developed is to freak the fuck out"

That's pretty much how we handle things here, too!! LOL!

[Denise]

I'm wondering this myself. I work from home PT and have been working PT in the evenings during the holidays. I can't find enough time to get work done during the day. My 4yo goes to pre-K and I try to get the lil one down for a nap, but that doesn't always happen. I know my kids feel neglected at times when I have to say, "just a minute", but I try to make up for it later. I was freaking out two weeks ago about how I couldn't manage to do everything. Of course, that also coincided with my husband deer hunting for 9 days and thus, no help whatsoever.

Good luck!

I second the whole paid child care thing - i work from home and have a 3 yr old and an almost 4 month old and i couldn't do it without that - the truth is that they probably get more attention and stimulation there than here as I am constantly having to take phone calls or answer emails or meet a deadline, etc. I make sure to get all the chores done while they are gone (laundry, grocery, dinner, etc) so that i am 100% theirs between picking them up at 4p and bedtime at 8;30 - i do catch up at 8:30 on work when they go to bed but it's worth it... I'm off on wednesdays and that helps - two days working, one day with them, then two days working (and i pick them up early on friday) and then WEEKEND!!!

[Shazamama]

Yea, I don't know too many who have made working at home work past infant stage without some sort of childcare. I'm in grad school and find I can only do my work out of the house and while someone responsible is watching the kids.

I do have a bunch of friends who made it work by doing a swap - each mom had three kids for two hours so that each mom had a two-hour chunk twice a week and one period watching two kids in addition to their own. While they all had one kid it worked really well. I'm also a big fan of the babysitting coop. Not sure if you have a support network of friends there yet with kids Tori's age - but if you don't have the money to spend, it's a great way to go.

Good luck.

[cat, galloping]

Yup, you need child care. You can't do both. At the very least, how about a junior high aged mother's helper to keep her entertained after school while you're in the house?

[Tyanne]

I agree with the childcare. I know it's the last thing you want to do, but sometimes that's what you have to do. Anyway, a couple hours a day will not hurt her, she will probably love playing with the other kids. I know how hard it is, I cried when I went back to work and had to put my kids in day care, and after school care. Hope this helps.

[Eliza]

No eye-rolling here. I've worked from home and outside of the home since having kids and they each have their own ways of sucking and making you feel guilty and seeming like more work than the other, but on the whole I think working from home really was the harder of the two because it meant making so many of of those decisions not to spend quality time (when you work outside the home, presumably someone else has your child/ren) or else diversions into spontaneous quality time that result in robbing your sleep-time for work, which makes you tired and bitchy and headachey and snacky. There's just no winning when it comes to the working while parenting thang.

[just another jenny]

As for the working from home, even though I would love to do that, I think it would be very stressfull to have to constantly choose between your baby and your work. I can empathize.
p.s. - You have baby eyes. And by that I mean that they are so big, blue and gorgeous. You usually only see babies with eyes like that.

[cindy]

I have worked from home part-time for the past two years. I did it on my own when my twins (now 2) were infants, but it got harder and harder as they got older and more active. I got a (college student) babysitter right before they turned one, and I'm very glad I did. My babysitter only worked six hours a week, but she saved my sanity and allowed me to be more present with my daughters during the time I spent with them. When my daughters turned two, I put them in a small, home-based daycare two days a week and went back to the office for those two days. I'm also very glad I did that. They enjoy having other little ones to play with, I feel more like myself again, and I'm way more productive than I was when I worked exclusively from home. I don't usually have to work evenings or weekends anymore (although I'm working tonight because of a deadline).

It is very, very hard to balance working from home with raising a child. For most people, I'd imagine it's next to impossible. As a lot of the other commenters have said, paid child care is a huge help in making it work. I would encourage you to think about hiring someone to watch Tori for a few hours a week so you can focus on working.