One of Those Posts Where I Marvel At Tori and You All Roll Your Eyes

So Tori has developed some new talents of late. Some good, some bad. Since I am so deeply entrenched in a work project (currently trying to shoehorn the phrase "patent para*legal career" repeatedly into an article), it will appear it a simple list form. I have much to say about my last post and your comments, and hope to get to it tomorrow. But today--Tori!

1. The very big temper tantrums have started. The arching of the back, banging of the head, collapsing-to-the-floor-in-agony kind of tantrums. Reasons range from being asked to put on her coat, to being put in her high chair, to any thing of any kind being taken away from her for any reason (say, oh, knives) to the dog getting up and walking away. Changing her diaper has become a wrestling match that actually makes us break into a sweat. According to an article I picked up at her doctor's office at her 18-month check up yesterday, we have 18 months of this to look forward to. Yee-ha.

2. Tori may be a musical genius. We are trying not to get excited about this. When Charlie's mom went into her assisted living facility, we inherited her upright piano. We tend to just leave it open and Tori is now tall enough to reach the keys. She wanders over to it quite often and plays and almost always--really--plays in key with what ever music is playing on the radio or television. She doesn't bang on the keys (although she will hit them more firmly if we sit with her on the bench), she tinkles lightly on them, and if Charlie starts to play something, she'll play in key with HIM. It's freaking us out. It shouldn't--at least five relatives play the piano (both of my maternal grandparents, my mother and I think one uncle of mine, and Charlie's mom was well on her way to being a virtuoso until we bombed her out of Hamburg, Germany in WWII).

3. Tori has spent the last three Wednesday mornings at the Parent's Morning Out program at a local church. We are planning to increase it to three mornings a week in January, or we were, except now I wonder if we are tormenting her because yesterday when Charlie picked her up he told her to said "thank you" to the nice ladies and she did and they all looked astonished because apparently at the day care she won't speak. In fact, they thought perhaps she was a bit delayed. Our daughter, who lectures her stuffed animals on a daily basis, won't speak in front of strangers. We are totally fucking her up, aren't we?

4. Speaking of Thank You, Tori has now begun working on Please. Although she says it; wait. I'm not quite sure I can spell how she says it. It's kind of like a cross between "cheese" and "sheesh" and "feet" and "please." The funny thing about it is how unfailingly polite Charlie and I have become to each other. It's like we're on some sort of British sitcom or something with all the "Could you hand me that, please?" and "Pass me that, would you please?" It's very funny. Especially because it's the time of year where we are coming up on our sobriety anniversary and we're a bit testy, plus we've got a couple of other little relationship things going on cause of some work I'm doing on myself with boundaries (so much FUN, I tell you) and shit like that, so we're constantly having these brief but ultimately healthy for us blowups where we yell for ten minutes and then say thank you and please. Hilarious.

5. Right now we have a guy from my church installing floor to ceiling bookshelves in Charlie's office. I won't say too much about him because it's not my story to tell, but suffice it to say through a series of events he ended up sleeping outside and bathing in a creek this spring and has been homeless since. My church has basically adopted him and he's been living in the church and doing some basic caretaking for us, and he came over here and has been helping us with a bunch of projects. He pulled up the rotting carpet in the basement (it flooded in the basement in the spring) so I could move my office down here (it's so nice!) and it turns out he knows carpentry so he's installing the most gorgeous wooden shelves you've ever seen (seriously, they will raise the value of our house). Tori adores him, but she must sense something, because she does something with him that she does with no one else; she gives him all her toys. If he sits still for a moment, she will pile him up with everything she can find of hers. Is it possible for a child to just be inherently generous?

Comments

[Celeste]

Awww, I love Tori stories. :o)))))

The tantrums will get better as her language skills grow. When they are on the cusp of big new things, they are harder to deal with. For the diapers, maybe you can try fastening them like pullups so she can step into them like big girl panties. Just a thought. For some kids it helps, for others it doesn't. Potty training pullups don't hold as much so don't be tempted to switch to them now, though.

It sounds like she does have musical talent; how wonderful that you have a piano. It's a great form of self-expression and I hope she really runs with it!

Regarding her giving toys to your carpenter, all I can say is that kid's got one hell of a wonderful spirit. She's a light in this world, Cecily!

[jenn]

I think Tori's musical talents are hell exciting! I'm a pianist myself with two kids who play instruments. These affinities usually do show themselves early, and I'd definitely encourage her. With one of my daughters we'd play a game where I'd sing a note and she'd try to match the pitch on the piano. Sounds boring, but she thought it was a RIOT at age two, giggling the whole time. I love these Tori posts. I cracked up at the image of her piling toys beside the handiman. How is it that kids are so in tune with these things??

[Jennifer]

You are so lucky that the tantrums have just started for you. My daughter has been doing them for a few weeks now; she will be 1 on Monday. Maybe they'll end early because she started early?

Give her some time to talk at childcare. She'll come around. Maybe it would help if you or Charlie stayed with her a few times to help her get used to the people there? I think it's good for kids to spend some time away from their parents. I wish I had an option like yours with my daughter. I'm a WAHM too and it's amazing I still have my sanity in tack. My husband works out of the house and he thinks I have it SOOOOO easy. Some days I would kill for 8 baby free work hours and some adult conversation. I love that I'm able to stay home with her, but that doesn't mean it's easy ;)

As far as the musical thing goes, have you thought about getting her involved in one of those baby music/movement classes (I don't know if you have them near you)? It may give her more time to explore her talent and interact with other babies (you could always just swap out a playgroup for it).

Sounds like she's wonderful. I enjoy your gushing over Tori posts.

[Sarah]

Tori is so clearly awesome. :-)

That made me beam with a pride that isn't even mine to have, the story of her being generous to your new friend! Yes, I think it is possible for a child to be inherently generous.

The tantrums suck ass. I remember them well. I didn't have coping skills yet, so I pretty much melted down along with S. Hahaha. It doesn't last *that* long, though.

[Beth]

About the last point of Tori's awesomeness. Just yesterday I read an article about a study that found babies as young as 6 months intuitively recognize a good Samaritan. Maybe that's what Tori is responding to. She senses that your handyman is a genuinely good person.

[wn]

Kids now....they just do...when someone needs some TLC...:*)

That last section of this post warmed my heart...:*)

[wn]

Kids know....they just do...when someone needs some TLC...:*)

That last section of this post warmed my heart...:*)

[Katie]

Now, if you could get a video of Tori doing the piano thing, that is a video post I would watch! That sounds fascinating :-)

[Katie J]

You were so wrong about the eye-roll. Love the Tori stories. I certainly tell a few about Buttons on my blog. Sounds like she's a great kid and you're doing a great job.

Congrats on your anniversary. It may be a hard time, but hopefully it's a proud time too.

[Robin]

Give Tori time with daycare. She will eventually come to love it.

[Amy]

Your daughter IS a genius - AND clearly gets that from her mama!

My boys have decided that as long as they can understand each other, real words aren't necessary! Only a day older than Tori and yet she's leagues ahead of them...

*sigh*

[Melessa]

Little kids can definitely be inherently generous AND incredibly sensitive to others' needs. Then, they can turn around and throw the mother of all tantrums. It's all a part of the roller coaster ride.

I can't believe the day care thought Tori might be delayed because, at 18 mos., she wasn't talking to them. Maybe she just doesn't have much to discuss with her caregivers. (Though I think it's good that she goes.) Did they ever think of that?

[Jess]

I think, naive and ideal as it may seem, that generosity is present in all children but sometimes isn't cultivated, if that makes any sense. In some, the quality grows . . . in others, it's buried a bit. I teared up reading about Tori's sharing of the things that are important to her and give her joy.

And I'm sure she does have some musical talent. My son is 8 and just recently started sounding out songs on his little toy keyboard. Like Beethoven's Ode to Joy and Oh Come All Ye Faithful. And the Backyardigans theme song :). My husband and I are trying to figure out how to fit a piano and lessons into the house and budget because as I watch him hit keys and hum until the pitches match and he figures out the tune, I feel like it's crucial that we give him the opportunity to see if there's something there to develop. I agree that a music class might be fun . . . I took one with my youngest, and it was a great time.

[liz]

I'm sure she's musical, that is so cool!

Here are a few things that worked for us for diaper-time tantrums: Singing "Wheels on the Bus" (doing the hand motions) because it gave him something to DO while this hugely boring un-fun thing was happening to him; singing "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" (same thing); talking to him the whoooooole time about what we were doing ("Now, I'm going to wipe your tushie! All clean! Someday, you're going to be able to do that all yourself, and you won't want to!"); askimg him for directions as to what I should do next ("hmmmm....now what do I do next? Pants first or diaper first?")
Getting him more involved in the process really seemed to help. But nothing makes the whole phase easy or short.

[Katie W]

You're not screwing her up re. daycare. She needs time and she'll soon be babbling away there as much as at home.
Screwing her up would be panicking and taking away that interaction with strangers :-)

[The Aitch]

The chart in your doctors office is wrong, the tantrums do not go away, they just get bigger and more dramatic, especially as Tori's speech develops and she becomes more aware of her feelings. Like when I was so frustrated with Littles for being so sassy to me this morning and refusing to help me get her dressed, I said to her, "ya know what? Then just go away for awhile until you can be nice" and she said to me, "Momma, don't say that to me. It hurts my feelings when you tell me to go away."

Yikes, what are you gonna do to that one?

[SassyBelle]

awwww. it sounds to me like Tori is filled with the spirit... and I think little kids learn that behavior from their parents as well as humans inherently have some good qualities that just get jacked up along the way, you know? she's just as cute as a button!

[Heather AKA Epiphany Alone]

Big UH HUH on the developmental stuff, besides the piano playing, which is very cool. I'll add that my 18-month old non-stop talker still doesn't talk much at the gym babysitter even though we go there every day. Although she might wave, she will rarely say "Hi" or "Bye" to a stranger. In fact, when asked to say "Bye" to the bagger at the grocery, she said, "No." I replied, "Okay." And the bagger said, "That's not very nice." I thought Lindsay was going to cry.

[RainbowW]

1. you wanted a child. now you have one. and i have absolutely no sympathy - i have three, one of whom is autistic.

2. you need to start playing stuff like the sex pistols around the house. "god save the queen / and her fascist regime!" you want to make sure her musical talents are influenced by the good shit.

3. elective mutism is an anxiety disorder. however, freak thyself not - it's also extremely uncommon. if she talks to other strangers, that isn't her problem. maybe she just doesn't have anything to say to them.

4. wait till you get to, "daddy please sleep with me!" or "take my pants off now, bitch!" you may freak when she says stuff like that when she's 2; you may freak when she says stuff like this when she's 14. time will tell.

5. handymen are wonderful to have around. alas, i am not one. i just wish my wife would realize this.

[Annika]

Wow! We could all learn something about the Christmas Spirit from Tori's kindness.

[Wabi]

Tori may well do better going three mornings per week in childcare than she does going one day. The kids at my daughter's daycare who only go once a week are the ones who take the longest time to warm up to the daycare providers and other children. It's the exception to their norm to go to daycare, rather than part of a weekly routine they can recognize. And toddlers are all about routines. And I wouldn't worry about the no-talking thing. That will change as she gets more used to going there.

Sympathies for the tantrums, which are maddening. But toddlers are also so loveable and silly, and hopefully that will get you through the loud, exasperating parts of the next few years.

[Wabi]

Tori may well do better going three mornings per week in childcare than she does going one day. The kids at my daughter's daycare who only go once a week are the ones who take the longest time to warm up to the daycare providers and other children. It's the exception to their norm to go to daycare, rather than part of a weekly routine they can recognize. And toddlers are all about routines. And I wouldn't worry about the no-talking thing. That will change as she gets more used to going there.

Sympathies for the tantrums, which are maddening. But toddlers are also so loveable and silly, and hopefully that will get you through the loud, exasperating parts of the next few years.

[sk]

1. I have one Tori's age and another that just turned 3. We've now been dealing with tantrums for almost 2 years. It. Never. Stops.

2. Yay Tori!

3. She's fine. It's just mommy guilt.

4. Yep. We do that too.

5. Absolutely.

[Tiffany]

The temper tantrums - we are slowly working out way past these. The biggest reason for Mikayla's is that she is tired. Hubby is having much more trouble with them than I am because I am understanding them. He also hates it when I say that she is only 2 - he hates it because he knows that I am right.

Mikayla is very quite as well. She will start to warm up to the ladies at the church. Mikayla will talk up a storm at home but ask her to say hi to a stranger to Mikayla - ie a friend of mine and she will just bury her head in my legs.

[chrystal]

I agree about getting Tori involved with the activity. When my wee one started refusing the diaper changes, I got her to help me. When she locked her legs together, I asked her to pull the diaper up to her belly. I showed her where the tabs were and asked her to pull them forward to secure them. (I would have to redo often to straighten them out.) She eventually wanted to wipe herself. So I would let her after I cleaned whatever mess there was.

I think it's part of the establishing independence phase. Uncommon Misconception posted about her dilemma and asked for suggestions here: http://uncommonmisconception.typepad.com/home/2007/04/shit_fits_and_t.html