My Head Is A Painful Place To Live

I've had a bunch of post swirling through my migraine-laden head, and I haven't been able to sit down and write a single one. And I have no excuse, because when we recently decided to replace Charlie's doddering four-year old eMac (it couldn't load any web pages with streaming anything, ever) with a new Macbook, we suddenly decided to also buy a used Macbook (it's technically new, but had been rented out a couple times, much like our new minivan) for me as well. This has allowed me the greatest luxuries;  reading blogs in bed, or while sitting on the porch in this weird warm weather, or best of all--the ability to leave the house to work while Tori is in morning care.

This may come as shocking news to many of you. "But, Cecily," you'll all cry, "you left your wonderful, secure, supportive full-time job so you could be home with your daughter! And now you are sticking her in morning care and taking a laptop into the city and cavorting about in the coffee shops like a free woman! For shame!"

And you know what I have to say to that? HA. You try being home every day with not only your highly energetic toddler, but your dearly loved husband. The husband that you love more than life itself, but the one that will, if left unchecked, hover about your desk and share with you every horror story he's read on the internet (on the slow-loading-non-streaming pages). While Charlie and I are one of the most functional couples I know, we still can drive each other bat shit crazy (although, truth be told, he's way more tolerant of me than I am of him--he has the patience of a saint. I would have thrown me out the window of a fast moving car years ago). So we have decided that we now each get one day a week away from the house and each other. For me, that means going far, far away so that I can really let go.

So on Monday, I took my laptop and my camera downtown and took some photos and did some work and sat in the park on the weirdly 60+ degree day and listened to a jazz sax player and got a really fucking awesome pedicure. It was like having a date with myself. It was lovely.

Next Monday, I'm going to try to see my old chiropractor to see if he can help me shake these migraines. Cause I cannot seem to get this last batch to leave me be.

The Topomax worked great for two months. My migraines went from about 18 a month down to about five. I was living in heaven, with a head I could actually hold up. But then a couple days before New Years Eve I got a migraine that was really, really, really bad--the throwing up, lying in the dark, unable to see out of one eye for hours on end--that kind. And I beat it back with medication, but it didn't ever get better than 15-20% (worst being 100%). FOR A WEEK. I finally saw my doctor who gave me narcotics, and in one of those cruel twists of ironic fate, I apparently cannot tolerate narcotics now (the ex-heroin addict can't take narcotics--go figure). The drugs didn't help my head at all, and just made me more sick to my stomach. I ended up tossing my cookies in the middle of the night, which is just a blast with a migraine.

So last Thursday landed me in the ER, where they gave me the right combo to break the stupid migraine. But I'm still having trouble; every day a migraine tries to creep up. It's like I'm not taking the Topomax at all or something, I don't know. But I'm blowing fast through my $400 worth of migraine pills (that was for FIFTEEN pills) for the month, and I'm seriously considering sawing off my head.

Luckily, I FINALLY have an appointment with a headache specialist. One of those that does the botox injections. So I won't be able to cut my head off, but I won't actually feel it anymore. Whatever works, right?

___________________________________________

So today, I was dismayed to realize that Charlie has managed to curb his cursing habit around the baby. I hadn't noticed this was true, but our friend Fred (the guy that is from my church that has been working in our house for the last six weeks) mentioned that he has never heard Charlie curse. I was stunned. Charlie curses all the time! I swear he does? Wait... Shit. Motherfucking shit.

I really have to change my ways. Because it's probably not appropriate to say "Oh, for fuck's sake!" over and over to the baby to make her laugh. Right?

Comments

[Dani]

My little boy gets botox in his legs (6 injections) every 3 months. He has Cerebral Palsy and is very spastic.

IT IS THE MIRACLE DRUG. He is in less pain and has so much more range of motion.

Good luck on your migranes. I've had one, ONE, my entire life and I thought I was going to die.

And... good for you for having some "me" time. I'm a firm believer that it makes you a much better mom.

[Amy]

What a fabulous plan. One day 'off' a week. I am sure you and Charlie will both be far better off with this arrangement. Excellent plan.

When my kids were small I remember going grocery shopping without them was BLISS!

[Emily]

Oh the last lines have me laughing and laughing! But seriously, I hope you get help with your headaches very soon. That must be miserable.

[AmericanFamily]

I have a friend who was involved in this migraine study: http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/headzap.htm

She said the treatment changed her life. She had previously recurrent severe migraines. Zapping her head with the gun thing reduced the migraine down to a very manageable headache most of the time.

I am not sure this is the same study, but if it is in your area, you might want to check it out. http://www.headaches.org/070105ClinicalTrial.doc

[spaceranger]

Please please write to us about your experiences with the headache specialist (and with Botox if you go that route). I have migraines, and recently they have become far more frequent, severe, and difficult to manage. I'm monkeying around with meds and hormones, but am not at all satisfied with the control I have over them.

Also, while I'm here and chattering, I love your blog. :)

[Gwen]

Cecily,

As someone who gets migraines, though not as often thank god, I feel for you. I really hope that you get some relief.

I would love a day off during the week. Even an hour would be great. That is why I can't wait till my son starts preschool a few mornings a week next year. Enjoy your time.

[Carly]

you ABSOLUTELY need time to just be Cecily, on a regular basis (once a week is the bare minimum! ) and not be wife/mom. I'm very happy that you can get away from the house regularly. You deserve it! It's like they say on the airplanes - if you don't put YOUR oxygen mask on first you can't really be helpful to those around you.

[leslie]

Migraines suck and your's sound especially horrible! I've had migraines for years but a week long one and the frequency you're describing sound just dreadful. I went to a headache specialist a number of years ago and it made a huge difference in managing my headaches. You've probably done this already but they had me log my life for a while - what I ate, slept, weather, etc to try to identify triggers. I also learned biofeedback. By itself it's not enough for a entrenched headache but if you catch the onset early enough it can make a big difference. These days I can usually manage migraines with biofeedback and excedrin and hopefully you'll get to a point where the headaches aren't dominating your life. I can go on about this more than anyone probably wants to read but email me if you want to talk more about migraine stuff.

Days off are required for sanity. In less than 3 weeks I will have 3 teenagers - I'll just say that preschoolers aren't the only kids who drive one to needing alone time!

[Robin]

So incredibly jealous of the day off/out a week. :)

[Chickenpig]

I'm so sorry you want to chop off your head! There has got to be something that gets you closer to being yourself most of the time.

On the plus side, your photos were really good, and your day sounded great. I think my husband would drive me crazy if I was him pretty much 24/7, I know my kids drive me crazy...as much as I love them. I don't get nearly enough time out of this madhouse :)I'm really quite jealous of your "date", so I can't fault you at all for doing it.

I sincerely hope your chiropractor and/or headache specialist can give you some relief. Fingers crossed!

[Kim M]

Hi Cecily: Sorry to hear you're still having migraines :( I'm about the same age as you and some of mine were related to monthly hormone levels. Yup, back on the pill (which I never expected because hubby was snipped a few years ago) and, it has helped level out my hormones. I also switched from Celexa to Prozac and that has also helped. Sadly, I too, am still looking for the miracle drug.

[Melissa in TN]

Hey Cec,

I want to hear about the headache specialist too. I have migraines and my GP put me on an old BP medicine called Pindolol. It has helped me. You might want to check it out.

I am glad you got some time to yourself. It sounds heavenly.

M.

[kathleen999]

Probably not the best way to make her laugh. But funny to read.

I was a big migraine sufferer all my life. Very bad allergies that turned into asthma. Food and environmental. They did a scratch test on me about 10 years ago, and everyone in the office came in to see it. "Wow," said the nurse, "you're allergic to everything that grows!" I had a list of things I was allergic to that covered a sheet of paper on two sides, two columns.

Just to let you know what cured me...haven't had a migraine since I did NAET therapy. No more asthma either. You can find info at www.naet.com. Also found out that you can eat without your stomach hurting...never knew that before NAET. I also think having done the therapy allowed me to stay pregnant with the boys.

Good luck whatever way you go. Migraines are completely debilitating. Most of mine were the in-bed, dark room, throwing up for 24 hours kind. At least a couple of them a month that bad, and lots of headaches in between. Now I rarely get a headache.

[Heather Ann]

It's not great to have your three-year-old say from the back of the car in the dead of winter, "It's fucking cold." However, at least it means that she listens to you! My bad, I know.

[kate]

I've had exactly two, and never want to have another, ever again. Oddly, I still get optical migranes often, and they are sometimes followed by terrible, terrible headaches, but only twice have they actually progressed to full-blown, full-body headaches, with the awful sound/light sensitivity and nausea. It's not painful, but it is really disturbing to be reading and suddenly realize that the words aren't making sense because some of the letters aren't making it to your brain. Or walking around and not being able to register whether or not that really is a hole ahead there on the sidewalk, or if your eyes/brain are just fucking with you.

I'd say that I understand, but then again, that would just come across as really insincere, I'm sure. Instead, I'll just say that I sososo feel for you.

[Jessica]

"but the one that will, if left unchecked, hover about your desk and share with you every horror story he's read on the internet (on the slow-loading-non-streaming pages)."

Hahahaha!

On another note, hope you find the solution to your migraine problems soon! And good for you for going to the city to work. It's a beautiful thing to be able to work where you want to. For those of us who have to work there is no shame in childcare.

[Ashley]

ok, that last part made me LOL in a quiet room, at my semi-uptight Catholic University. I need to only read your blog at home!

Alone time from the baby and everyday household routine is NECESSARY! Good for you for realizing it and actually doing something to maintain (or initiate) good mental health :-) Now if I could just take my own advice...

And, JMO, I think EVERY mom needs to have regular breaks from motherhood. No just working moms, working from home moms, or student moms. Motherhood is exhausting, or should be, if you're doing it right. But you can't take care of somebody else if you're not taking care of yourself first!

[Ashley]

BTW, I assume your healthcare provider has worked you up for the potential serious causes of migraines, yes?

[Sarah]

I am laughing so hard I am crying! But maybe try using "for crying out loud" instead. I don't know why but it STILL cracks up my 6 year old.

[Jenn]

I don't blame you one bit for using day care some mornings. We're in a similar situation as you, my husband and I both work from home with our 17 month old boys running around. Knowing when you need to take breaks from each other keeps everyone happier.

[sheilah]

I think it's great that she gets some time away from you & Charlie and can be with other kids and other adults. It is also great for you & Charlie. I have tried to work at home with my son and it ain't easy; he is constantly wanting me to play with him or hold him and it is so hard to say 'No' what with all the screaming and crying and feet kicking (kidding! a bit anyway).

Bummer on the headaches. Migraines suck big time. I haven't had one in years (thank god), but I used to get them regularly. Good luck. I hope you find something that works.

[Susan]

My head hurts just reading about your migraine troubles, I hope you find relief soon.

I will never forget the day my 3 year-old said "shit" when she dropped something. I curbed my tongue after that but I do still find a few curses spilling forth.

[julia]

i have to say i live in Canada and it is not unusual to have -30C weather in the winter and when standing at a crowded bus stop with a bus that was twenty minutes late my 2yr old busted out "where is that fucking bus!" I'm just saying at 7 she may know all the 'bad' words and she knows that grownups use them and also understands there will be a punishment if she uses them. and you know what she doesn't do it. we try to curb it but it is not the end of the world they know better.

[Tyanne]

Sorry about your migraines. I hope the doctor helps. And I understand about the cursing. My big words are shit and damn it. The other day my daughter was playing with a toy and it broke and she said :ahh, shit" It was very funny, but not something I want her to continue. Good Luck
Tyanne

[Angela]

The prospect of a migraine sends chills down my spine. I'm one of those who vomits uncontrollably and ends up in the ER every time. It's only happened about 3 times, but that was enough for a lifetime.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this on a regular basis. There has GOT to be some treatment out there for you. I don't know if you gone to a good neurologist, but if you haven't, I'd recommend that. But I have also heard good things about botox for migraines...I hope that is the solution for you.

And having a date with yourself - love that idea! I should do that too!

Cheers and Good Luck.