My Head Is A Painful Place To Live

I've had a bunch of post swirling through my migraine-laden head, and I haven't been able to sit down and write a single one. And I have no excuse, because when we recently decided to replace Charlie's doddering four-year old eMac (it couldn't load any web pages with streaming anything, ever) with a new Macbook, we suddenly decided to also buy a used Macbook (it's technically new, but had been rented out a couple times, much like our new minivan) for me as well. This has allowed me the greatest luxuries;  reading blogs in bed, or while sitting on the porch in this weird warm weather, or best of all--the ability to leave the house to work while Tori is in morning care.

This may come as shocking news to many of you. "But, Cecily," you'll all cry, "you left your wonderful, secure, supportive full-time job so you could be home with your daughter! And now you are sticking her in morning care and taking a laptop into the city and cavorting about in the coffee shops like a free woman! For shame!"

And you know what I have to say to that? HA. You try being home every day with not only your highly energetic toddler, but your dearly loved husband. The husband that you love more than life itself, but the one that will, if left unchecked, hover about your desk and share with you every horror story he's read on the internet (on the slow-loading-non-streaming pages). While Charlie and I are one of the most functional couples I know, we still can drive each other bat shit crazy (although, truth be told, he's way more tolerant of me than I am of him--he has the patience of a saint. I would have thrown me out the window of a fast moving car years ago). So we have decided that we now each get one day a week away from the house and each other. For me, that means going far, far away so that I can really let go.

So on Monday, I took my laptop and my camera downtown and took some photos and did some work and sat in the park on the weirdly 60+ degree day and listened to a jazz sax player and got a really fucking awesome pedicure. It was like having a date with myself. It was lovely.

Next Monday, I'm going to try to see my old chiropractor to see if he can help me shake these migraines. Cause I cannot seem to get this last batch to leave me be.

The Topomax worked great for two months. My migraines went from about 18 a month down to about five. I was living in heaven, with a head I could actually hold up. But then a couple days before New Years Eve I got a migraine that was really, really, really bad--the throwing up, lying in the dark, unable to see out of one eye for hours on end--that kind. And I beat it back with medication, but it didn't ever get better than 15-20% (worst being 100%). FOR A WEEK. I finally saw my doctor who gave me narcotics, and in one of those cruel twists of ironic fate, I apparently cannot tolerate narcotics now (the ex-heroin addict can't take narcotics--go figure). The drugs didn't help my head at all, and just made me more sick to my stomach. I ended up tossing my cookies in the middle of the night, which is just a blast with a migraine.

So last Thursday landed me in the ER, where they gave me the right combo to break the stupid migraine. But I'm still having trouble; every day a migraine tries to creep up. It's like I'm not taking the Topomax at all or something, I don't know. But I'm blowing fast through my $400 worth of migraine pills (that was for FIFTEEN pills) for the month, and I'm seriously considering sawing off my head.

Luckily, I FINALLY have an appointment with a headache specialist. One of those that does the botox injections. So I won't be able to cut my head off, but I won't actually feel it anymore. Whatever works, right?

___________________________________________

So today, I was dismayed to realize that Charlie has managed to curb his cursing habit around the baby. I hadn't noticed this was true, but our friend Fred (the guy that is from my church that has been working in our house for the last six weeks) mentioned that he has never heard Charlie curse. I was stunned. Charlie curses all the time! I swear he does? Wait... Shit. Motherfucking shit.

I really have to change my ways. Because it's probably not appropriate to say "Oh, for fuck's sake!" over and over to the baby to make her laugh. Right?

Comments

[Janice]

While at my Nieces house we were looking at pictures on her computer. My 7 year old great Niece was standing there also, and when a picture came up of her Grandmother looking particularly tacky she replied.."WHAT THE FUCK?".. although our bodies shook while holding in the laughs, my Niece learned the reason for watching her words in front of her.. I have to say though, I laughed all the way home!!

[Wendy]

I feel bad for you. It must be rough to try and function with such pain. Did you have migraines before fertility treatments? Just curious - I worked with a woman who developed migraines post fertility treatments. I hope you find relief.

[siobhan]

I am so sorry to hear about your migraine. There have been many times I have contemplated cutting out my eyes & cracking my head & scooping out brain particles if it would stop that pain.
Anyway, I am glad that you do "Cecily" time.
I evaluated a kid today who curses & gives the middle finger to her classmates, their parents & the teachers.

[Shelley]

I swear by cursing in front of your kids to not make him/her swear. It's worked great for me. My daughter is almost 7 and would rather saw off her arm than use bad language. Her father and I have so not watched our language in front of her too. They were talking about the f word on the radio and she said the f word is a really bad word. I asked her if she even know what it was and she said it started with an f and ended with a k but, "I would never say it." She even asks permission to say damn. I did catch her singing something about a bitch in the shower but once I told her that was a bad word she stopped. I don't even care if she swears as long as her Nana doesn't hear her and she doesn't get expelled from school. I think the non-parent freakout factor isn't worth it.

[JL]

Nah - I have cursed in front of my kid from day one. She just knows not to say it. Of course there was the occasional inappropriate times where she would repeat something from the backseat "shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit" but mostly she has always known those are mommy words. I'm basically an asshole parent who doesn't care. Heh.

[Ali]

That's great! I am really proud of you for having "a date with yourself". Seriously. I look like hell. This 4 month old beautiful baby girl is kicking my ass. I need a date with myself, too;) I think the morning care sounds great and will also be good for Tori.

Ick on the migraines. Sorry it's so difficult. I've had a host of those difficult to cure ailments in my lifetime. I managed to do the alt. medicine with much struggle as well as much success. I hope things work out for you.

So, Charlie curses, too! Perhaps their is hope for my husband.

[Rachel]

I am so sorry to hear about the migraines. Ever try accupuncture?

[Chrissy]

Man the migraines sound horrible. I got one one time and went to the emergency room because I hurt so bad and had no idea what was wrong with me. And the oh for fucks sake thing is too funny. I have three kids the oldest just about to turn six. I have always used my bad language around them. My six year old barley swears at all but my three year old likes to say bad words just because it makes me laugh. On time we were in costco and he kept yelling oh for fucks sake and I was laughing my ass off. Of course everyone else we passed looked at me like I was the biggest asshole. We were having fun though.

[Melissa P.]

Cecily,
I hope you are having less pain today and feeling much better.
But, since you did not post today I am worried about you.

[s]

Sorry about the migrane hell! I hope the headache doctor has some answers. I totally get why you have to put Tori in childcare to get any work done; toddlers need constant supervisin and stimulation, and that is not compatable with accomplising much of anyting, work or otherwise. Rock on with your bad self!

[Sunny]

I completely understand the need to get out. I have done a complete 180 on my postition. I used to think (and say) that the moms who needed "time alone" where completely ungrateful and selfish.

Now I know better. My kids are teenagers but let me put a phone to my ear and they suddenly all have to have my attention for crucial life issues such as "can I have a banana?" Or "can we PLEASE watch South Park?" and the always life and death "The cat puked again." If I didn't get time away from them I'm pretty sure we'd have an Exorcist re-inactment at least once a week in my house.

Sorry about the migraine nightmare. I have a classmate who suffers terribly also, she's had great success with accupuncture. I've also had good success with it for chronic pain issues...just a thought, and my apology in advice if you've already tried it without success.

[martha]

I imagine you've experimented with all sorts of medication for the migraines, so disregard this if you've already tried it, but neurontin has worked for me the last couple of years. I take it on a regular basis, which freaked me out at first (that was before I was on any longterm medication at all). I had status migraine (continuous migraine), which started with a bang a few months after my daughter was born. They were like seizures; they would come on in the space of 5 seconds or so, and I would be completely incapacitated for hours, then low level headache in between attacks. I had to pace with mine, I couldn't hold still. I haven't had one since I started the medication, but I know it doesn't work for everyone. Good luck in getting relief. These things take over your life.

And I am a complete proponent of childcare for mental health, both for the mental health of the caregiver, and the social development of the child. Enjoy your time to yourself!

[DebbieS]

Oh, Cecily! Reading that made me want to close my eyes and lie down in a cool dark room. Except, that would make it very hard to type.

As long as you're going to a chiropractor, have you ever asked about craniosacral therapy? I had it years ago when I started getting migraine headaches and it kicked them in the butt. I was skeptical right up to the part where I was drooling in relief. I sure hope you feel better soon! The only thing worse than being sick is being sick with a toddler!

[car]

Oh, my word. I hope you and your doctors can find something to help. I'm sure you've tried everything already, but I'll throw in my wooden nickel - do you get regular dentist checkups too? A good friend of mine also suffers from migraines, and once when she was having a really bad run of several months it turned out she had an abscessed tooth which the regular doctors hadn't even though to check for, and since the pain was all head-based she hadn't even located the source in her upper jaw.

[JuliaKB]

I don't know about the baby, but it made me laugh.

Sorry about the migraines. I used to get a lot of them years ago, but am much better now. I hope the specialist is of help, and pronto.

Oh, and good going on childcare and self-dates. I bet everyone becomes much happier soooooooon.