Home, Home, Home

I swear, when I got off the plane, and saw the duct tape holding together the banister on the ramp leading out of our gate (ah, my ramshackle city), I was never so happy to be back in Philadelphia.

God, what a long trip.

I had no idea what I was getting us into when we scheduled a vacation for over two weeks. I really just thought to myself, "Oh, it will be wonderful, and we won't have to limit ourselves at any location!"

I was an idiot.

Ten days is nice, and leaves you wanting a bit more. Two weeks is plenty, and leaves you feeling grateful to be home. Two weeks plus five days leaves you shaking, weak in the knees, mildly insane, and seriously considering leaping out the plane window on the way home to see if that will make the plane ride end faster.

The last five days was like traveling, as Charlie says, with a two-foot tall rather adorable mental patient. Tori has hit the terrible twos a bit early and has become rather unpredictable. For instance, she will frequently ask for Elmo--at top volume, over and over--and we, being the loving and highly accommodating parents that we are (also parents who desperately want the shrieks of MOMO MOMO MOMO to please for the love of all that is holy STOP) will obligingly crawl under the crib and find said Elmo and offer it to Tori, quite pleased with ourselves for meeting her needs so squarely, and she will look at the doll as if we have offered her a shovel with a heaping, steaming pile of dog shit on it and scream at the top of her lungs, "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" until we remove the offending Elmo far, far away--and then console her accordingly. This goes on with about 50% of what she asks for, so we feel a bit as if we are rats in a science experiment--sometimes we get a nice piece of cheese (a happy baby), and sometimes we get electrical shocks (a screaming, crying, insane baby).

She's been exhibiting this behavior for the whole trip, but it ramped up while we were away and is now in full swing. Charlie and I are rather shell shocked--as I imagine most parents are when they hit this stage in toddlerdom. Tori has always been a remarkably easy going kid with very easy-to-satisfy needs, and now to have her suddenly become impossible to please is just, frankly, fucking awful. Plus, we've gone from being those smug parents with the perfect child in public to being those parents everyone ignores in public with the screaming kid who has to be removed from the restaurant, or who screams at top volume on the plane, or, say, who cries for 45 minutes straight while waiting to pass through security at the airport (at the Phoenix airport at 9:30am yesterday? yep, that was us).

I have NEVER been so happy to see her go to morning care as I was this morning. And I do not feel the least bit guilty about it. I caught up on all my work emails (I thought I'd be able to work on this trip! ha!), I copied all my trip photos to my home hard drive, I am writing this blog entry, all without any small fingers trying to get the keyboard or grabbing my leg or... sigh. It's heaven.

Other than trips to the bathroom, I have been in the same room as my daughter for the last twenty days. For the last week, until last night, we were in the same bed. I love her--insanely, and beyond reason--but GOOD LORD I NEEDED A BREAK.

Tell me this: is there ever a time--EVER--that children begin to respond to verbal commands of "NO" and "STOP" and "DON'T"? And, if so, how do you make that happen? Because Tori is so extraordinarily talented at finding exactly the best way to injure herself or damage something important to us these days and we simply cannot make her stop without physically grabbing her--and then coping with the ensuing tantrum. We can't ever stop watching her for a second--not to eat, or talk to someone, or breathe, or sneeze-- without her climbing something, grabbing something, or breaking something. She does NOT respond to any verbal cues at all except occasionally a very loud "eh-eh-eh-eh" noise that I make. EVER. It's gotten no better with time. I feel very hopeless about it, honestly.

OK. I'm done now. I swear. No more complaining about my trip or my daughter because I know that there are at least a dozen people composing anonymous emails right now saying, "At least you have a daughter" or "At least you got a vacation." YOU ARE RIGHT. I AM AN ASSHOLE. I have always been an asshole, there is no denying that. When I have two more nights of sleep, I promise to keep my assholiness inside my own head and not share it with the world anymore. M'kay?

So--what did I miss? Other than the incredibly fabulousness of Akeeyu having her TWIN GIRLS? Remind me when I'm less fried to tell you all about other things like how Obama has gotten my vote (I know!), and other topical goings-on after I catch up on all the other news (I've been in a near news black out too). OK? God, it's good to be home.

Comments

[sherry]

You're not an asshole. Believe me. I'm in the throes of hubby being on a lengthy business trip in Argentina, playing single parent to twins in the midst of very bad terrible-twoishness with no outside help. I feel your pain.

Glad you made it back safely.

[AmyinMotown]

Maggie is quite similar, and I find myself banging my head on the wall a lot. What's helped is to give consequences--like, if she's not supposed to touch something, explain she's not supposed to touch it, warn her the first time she does and then tell her if she does it again she gets a time out. (We're not big fans of spanking and I'm guessing you're not either). Tori is not too young for simple explanations of what is expected of her and (brief) timeouts. Also, "touch with one finger" works too, until she gets too excited and manhandles everything.

I will, however, be interested to see what everyone else says since we struggle with this too! I tell myself it's because she's bright and engaged and curious and this WILL be good in the long run :-).

[Laura]

Not to be sarcastic or anything LOL... But when Tori becomes a teen like MY LITTLE DARLING... YOU will gladly and fondly recall the terrible twos and PRAY with all your being that she either grows up and moves out or reverts to the twos because they are so much easier... OF course this is a parent who is in the depths of teendome and would trade places with you in a flat second...
Welcome home!
Hugs and wry grins
Laura

[melissa]

So sorry the trip was so exhausting. Things will get better. ~M

[Sarah]

Dude. Toddlers SUCK. They are cute when they are someone else's, but frankly? I'm fucking shocked that any of them make it into regular childhood. ;-)

Many parents just stop going out in public for those couple of years. It gets better when she turns 4. But she's advanced, so maybe 3?

LOL!

[Noelle]

oooh, I am dying to hear how Obama has gotten your vote, because I once was completely behind Hillary and am now supporting Obama. (Through no fault of Hillary, I still like her. But I've come to think Obama is the better person for the job.)

Glad you survived your vacation! Perhaps not 100% intact, but back home safe and sound, nonetheless.

[Rosemary Grace]

I have a theory that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was originally written about a child in the throes of terrible two-ness.

[jenn]

You are in no way an asshole. Or if you are, I hate to think what that makes me. My happiest 30 minutes of the day are the ones right after my two girls (8 & 11) go to school The SILENCE. Bliss.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. I can't say that the response to verbal cues improves. I sometimes wonder if my voice is actually making a sound, or if it's an elaborate halucination. No one else appears to hear the voice yelling, "For the love of all that is holy, will you PLEASE go take your shower!" What they do understand better is the art of the consequence. If you don't do A when I tell you to, then you won't be doing B when you want to.

Plus the breaking and the climbing ease up. (Only to be replaced with the charming talking back and stomping/door slamming behaviors).

Hang in there. It's worth the ride.

[Robin]

Brace yourself. This stuff just escalates. Also, somewhere around three they add sassiness to the mix. So, in addition to not hearing a word I say, when she does respond it's usually some sort of snear or umph or sticking her tongue out at me.

[The Aitch]

Time for Momma to have at least two long days away from Tori. Not her fault or yours, we just all need mommy away days. Like what I do sometimes is take myself to dinner and a movie both Friday night AND Saturday night. Works wonders for my psyche and my patience. I would be a major bitchface if I didn't do that at LEAST once a month. Also? Assvice coming. I think it's time for time-outs. She's almost two, she can take it. 2 minutes when she misbehaves (after two warnings) and then a long talk about why.

And hey, we're taking a family vacation (all 4 of us!) to Seattle this July to see an M's game, the zoo, shopping and the ocean. We're driving (It's only 400 miles away) and staying for 4 days. I'm excited, first family vacation EVER! But...I'm already dreading the tantrums and changes in routine. I could not imagine a 20 day trip across country with only one kid? Aww, Hells NO!

[Susie K.]

I laughed a lot at this, because I felt like I was reading my personal journal... especially the whole rats in an experiment. Today in the car my daughter requested a song, I put it on and "NONONONONONONO" with tears.. So frustrating. All we want to do is please, but sometimes it's literally impossible. She was born in November, 2005.. so she's just a few months older than Tori. I did find the 18-month to 2 year part harder. As for verbal cues, maybe Tori's not quite old enough yet... but what seems to be working (sometimes) is the "On the count of three, you're going to .. fill in the blank... She thinks it's a game. Like a little race. My husband and I learned our lesson too about vacations. Now we only go to places where we can rent a house or condo with 2 bedrooms and a kitchen.

[Essie]

Wow, I am exhausted just reading this! I can't imagine how you feel. Thank goodness you are home. Hope you guys get back into your routine real soon.

[Amanda]

My kids are 9 and 11 and I can just look at them and they KNOW that means "Stop it". Or I can simply give them a disapproving glance and shake my head. So, that time will come for you too! And then you'll have a whole NEW set of issues, ha ha. Like dealing with puberty! *shrieks*

[Tater's Mom]

Maybe Tori's Elmo is like this one??

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/feb/21/toddlers-elmo-doll-makes-death-threats/

[ktpupp]

I was just going to add a comment about parenting a teen, but I see Laura (above) took the words out of my mouth!

Right about now, I'd trade the hormonal teenage monster who lives in my house for a holy terror toddler without a moment's thought!

(We've had a rather trying week... overall she's a good kid, but damn when she's bad she's baaad!)

[Jill]

Since you asked, some quick advice. Don't say don't. She probably isn't able to process negative sentences yet, and if you say "don't touch," she understands "touch." Thus the ensuing tantrum. It takes some work, but it really does help to put things in a positive manner. I don't mean all hippy skippy positive, I mean saying "Keep your hands in the stroller," or something like that.

And of course this won't cure it all, so you must just hang in there.

[Michele]

Glad you're home safe and sound. Take a few days to rest up, and enjoy the time morning care affords you!

[Spacemom]

Um, at 5.5, Soleil still doesn't respond to me saying "NO" often, but she does STOP mostly because she almost got hit by a car in a parking lot once. She figured THAT one out quickly.

[colleen]

Welcome home!
When my kids were that age I learned that it worked a lot better to tell them what they should do rather than what they shouldn't. "Put your hands on your head" instead of "Don't touch". They idea of not doing something is a real brain bender for most toddlers.

[Elena]

Glad you're back safe and sound. Those were gorgeous photos.

We do believe in spanking, but there is a method to it. The child has be willfully disobedient before we apply it. I start when they get into the willful toddler stage and then pretty much by school age they don't need them any more.

My oldest was the most willful and got the most swats. He is now 18, graduating high school this year, and has held a job for almost two years while swimming on the high school swim team, so we must have done something right!

[Kel]

Hopefully you will be able to look back on this trip in the not so far future and see mostly the good! I've been enjoy your awesome photos.

When mine were little ones people would always say that things get easier as the kids get older. In many ways that is true especially in terms of independence, but really it's that the challenges just change. I try to remember that each challenge is really a learning experience for the kid and for us as parents. I know sometimes it seems easier to just give in but your consistency should pay off. It's easier to work now at good behavior than try to teach it to a smart ass teen!

[BrooklynGirl]

My 2.5 year old son occasionally responds to no, but only since we've introduced time outs. The whole exchange usually sounds something like, "Stop doing X or you're going to get a time out." And sometimes it even works.

Welcome home.

[Julia]

I second Colleen, kids at that age respond really well to getting to do something rather than hearing what they can't do. To get our daughter to listen I'd use distraction to short circuit the contrariness, maybe saying "Look at that balloon over there!!", and then I'd say something like, "Now, quick, run around in a circle!"

Oh, and I promise, travel gets better after the age of two. We have sworn that we will not travel back to the States between 12 m and 2 years with our second baby because our daughter at the age of 18 months caused an entire plane to nearly throw us out over the Atlantic at 3 in the morning.
----
Um..not that I remembered to use distraction and positive actions all the time, but when I did it definitely worked better than saying no. I actually thought about designing a tshirt for toddlers that says "Distraction works", just so I would remember!

[Mary]

I only have time to read these things because I don't have a toddler, but according to "How Babies Think: The Science of Childhood" she basically is running a science experiment on you. What are the differences between me and other people? Why don't other people like exactly the same things as me? How can I tell when they don't? When will they do what I want? When won't they? They hypothesise that some tantrums come from the trauma of this urge to find out about other people's minds being in conflict from the strong human urge to just get on with people.

I suspect that this doesn't help much, but I do recommend the book at whatever period of your life you have time for it.

[Tyanne]

My kids are 3 and 6 and I still haven't figured out how to get them to listen to verbal commands. So if you figure it out let me know the secret too. Okay.

Tyanne

PS- hope you catch up on your rest, and you feel better from your cold.