Home, Home, Home

I swear, when I got off the plane, and saw the duct tape holding together the banister on the ramp leading out of our gate (ah, my ramshackle city), I was never so happy to be back in Philadelphia.

God, what a long trip.

I had no idea what I was getting us into when we scheduled a vacation for over two weeks. I really just thought to myself, "Oh, it will be wonderful, and we won't have to limit ourselves at any location!"

I was an idiot.

Ten days is nice, and leaves you wanting a bit more. Two weeks is plenty, and leaves you feeling grateful to be home. Two weeks plus five days leaves you shaking, weak in the knees, mildly insane, and seriously considering leaping out the plane window on the way home to see if that will make the plane ride end faster.

The last five days was like traveling, as Charlie says, with a two-foot tall rather adorable mental patient. Tori has hit the terrible twos a bit early and has become rather unpredictable. For instance, she will frequently ask for Elmo--at top volume, over and over--and we, being the loving and highly accommodating parents that we are (also parents who desperately want the shrieks of MOMO MOMO MOMO to please for the love of all that is holy STOP) will obligingly crawl under the crib and find said Elmo and offer it to Tori, quite pleased with ourselves for meeting her needs so squarely, and she will look at the doll as if we have offered her a shovel with a heaping, steaming pile of dog shit on it and scream at the top of her lungs, "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" until we remove the offending Elmo far, far away--and then console her accordingly. This goes on with about 50% of what she asks for, so we feel a bit as if we are rats in a science experiment--sometimes we get a nice piece of cheese (a happy baby), and sometimes we get electrical shocks (a screaming, crying, insane baby).

She's been exhibiting this behavior for the whole trip, but it ramped up while we were away and is now in full swing. Charlie and I are rather shell shocked--as I imagine most parents are when they hit this stage in toddlerdom. Tori has always been a remarkably easy going kid with very easy-to-satisfy needs, and now to have her suddenly become impossible to please is just, frankly, fucking awful. Plus, we've gone from being those smug parents with the perfect child in public to being those parents everyone ignores in public with the screaming kid who has to be removed from the restaurant, or who screams at top volume on the plane, or, say, who cries for 45 minutes straight while waiting to pass through security at the airport (at the Phoenix airport at 9:30am yesterday? yep, that was us).

I have NEVER been so happy to see her go to morning care as I was this morning. And I do not feel the least bit guilty about it. I caught up on all my work emails (I thought I'd be able to work on this trip! ha!), I copied all my trip photos to my home hard drive, I am writing this blog entry, all without any small fingers trying to get the keyboard or grabbing my leg or... sigh. It's heaven.

Other than trips to the bathroom, I have been in the same room as my daughter for the last twenty days. For the last week, until last night, we were in the same bed. I love her--insanely, and beyond reason--but GOOD LORD I NEEDED A BREAK.

Tell me this: is there ever a time--EVER--that children begin to respond to verbal commands of "NO" and "STOP" and "DON'T"? And, if so, how do you make that happen? Because Tori is so extraordinarily talented at finding exactly the best way to injure herself or damage something important to us these days and we simply cannot make her stop without physically grabbing her--and then coping with the ensuing tantrum. We can't ever stop watching her for a second--not to eat, or talk to someone, or breathe, or sneeze-- without her climbing something, grabbing something, or breaking something. She does NOT respond to any verbal cues at all except occasionally a very loud "eh-eh-eh-eh" noise that I make. EVER. It's gotten no better with time. I feel very hopeless about it, honestly.

OK. I'm done now. I swear. No more complaining about my trip or my daughter because I know that there are at least a dozen people composing anonymous emails right now saying, "At least you have a daughter" or "At least you got a vacation." YOU ARE RIGHT. I AM AN ASSHOLE. I have always been an asshole, there is no denying that. When I have two more nights of sleep, I promise to keep my assholiness inside my own head and not share it with the world anymore. M'kay?

So--what did I miss? Other than the incredibly fabulousness of Akeeyu having her TWIN GIRLS? Remind me when I'm less fried to tell you all about other things like how Obama has gotten my vote (I know!), and other topical goings-on after I catch up on all the other news (I've been in a near news black out too). OK? God, it's good to be home.

Comments

[Catherine]

I am sooooo never having kids. I'm worried about how the CATS are going to behave on the plane to France!!

I'm glad you're all home safe and sound. :) Give that kid to your mom and have a nice evening out with us sometime soon! (((hug)))

[Carla Hinkle]

Ummm, toddlers don't listen. They just. don't. listen. A lot of the time.

The "telling them to do something rather than not do something" thing is a good one to try. Might work.

Time outs might work. Or not, they have never had any effect on my (almost 4 year old) older daughter. Once she hit 3 I had some luck with a sticker chart for doing things well, politely, quickly, etc, a reward rather than punishment system. But Tori is still young for that.

In a few months, once over 2, things do improve in my experience because they are able to communicate better, hence less frustration. Though once they hit 3 it goes downhill again as they become sassy little mini-teens. 4 seems to be a little calmer now.

Not to be a downer or anything! I love my kids, but they do go through phases that will absolutely wreck a person.

The only really good solution I ever had to rambunctious 18 -24 month olds was LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of physical activity. Tire the crap out of them, keep them outside whenever possible, and then they are too tired to trash your house/restaurant/etc!

[mar]

We used some re-direction too ("Keep your hands in your pockets", or "We look with our eyes, not our hands") but the reality is that you have to be willing to be right there all the time, coaching, holding hands, enduring tantrums, removing from situations. Because they can't verbalize exactly what they want, their method of showing their frustration is the tantrum. It's hard, but if you don't get it right now, it gets harder to do it later. She's not too young to start very brief time outs, but use them wisely - when she's tired or hungry they will be of no value.

I remember when my oldest was about 10 months, and thought that shaking the night tables in our bedroom like Godzilla was hysterical, and I told him "No! Don't do that!" He looked at me so blankly, and I realized - oh shit, babies don't come knowing what that word means! Dude, I am in so much trouble!

I think 18-30 months is in some ways the best time, but also in some ways the worst time. They change and grow and develop so much of their personality now, but spend all this time pushing boundaries. It's not always easy to know when to push back, but plain and simply, you want to be able to travel w/your kid, go to peoples' homes, etc., so you need to try to establish rules and boundaries w/o squashing their personality. It is exhausting, but I think you'll see that it will be worth it!

[Jo-Ann]

I use 1,2,3 magic steps to patenting. It s a great book and helped with r a ton. We started using it at this age and still use it. We use it with A too. It helps.

I agree with the previous poster. My guys are usually too tired to trash stuff (except fist thing in the morning at your house) and they are older. I remember this being a very very hard age with A.

Hang in there

[Kim]

Long time lurker, first comment...I think. ;)

I just wanted to say "Welcome HOME!"

I'm sorry that Tori has discovered her two-ness. I'm pretty sure that all toddlers are certifiably crazy, and since my daughter is anything but typically developing, I have no assvice for you. Just hang in there, and remember to put on your own air mask first ~ you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Being relieved to be away from your little darling is 100% normal, and the time away from her is a necessary thing, both for her AND for you.

Huge {{{hugs}}} ~ it will get better.

Kim

P. S. Loved your vacation photos ~ I totally live vicariously through other people's vacations. We haven't had a family vaca in years, and none are planned for another few, at least. (DH's damned job....UGH!)

[Jan, Fascinating]

That I-want-it, get-it-away behavior only shows up in my two-year-old when he is under stress. Stress that is usually caused by some change in his regular routine.

So, yeah, if Tori's behavior got worse throughout the trip (during which she probably also got overtired, since her sleep was wonky), maybe there's hope that a week of good sleep and her normal routine will return her to her good-natured self.

I think some kids respond to voice and some have to have physical intervention. I have one of each and boy was it a rude awakening when I discovered with my second that I had to get up and MAKE him remove the fork from the electrical socket.

[Eva]

I think the responding to "no" thing is individual and age-related and will improve. My 18-month-old does pretty well with commands like, "no touch." Well, like 80% of the time, and then you have to remind her a couple minutes later, but I consider that pretty good for her age.

Glad you are home! That was a long fucking trip!

[Jenni]

In 5 short weeks we are heading with our 18.5 month old on a 20 hour journey. 10 hour flight, 3 hour lay over, 2 hour flight, 3 hour drive. To many this would be a trip of a life time, to me I start to hyperventilate when I think of it. We have no choice, we'll never be forgiven and will hate ourselves if we miss the small family wedding across the ocean in somewhere scenic but a pain in the ass to get to by all involved. So I understand completely how stressed you must have been.

Stay at home moms - how do you do it?

OK so dying to hear about how you became an Obama gal!

[carmie]

Yes, I really want to hear about how Obama got your vote.

A couple thoughts based on my recent trip with my son (21 months at the time). It took him a WEEK to get back to sleeping well and normally, and to just calm down in general. It's stressful but easier to handle when you're at home.

Also, I have found that verbalizing his feelings for him when he has a tantrum shortens the duration dramatically. "You're upset because you don't want a cup of water" combined with a gentle physical touch helps.

[Amy in BC]

1-2-3 Magic book worked for me. Kids are now 15, and 10 and it still works! Just have to be consistent.

Tori was probably just a bit off the wall because of the change in routine. Hoping you get some more down time (kid free time) and she gets back into the routine of things.

[H]

Holy God! So excited you're voting for Obama! Can't wait to hear the story.

And, you're not an asshole. You'll look back on the vacation one day with fond memories of how naive and insane you were.

Plus, you took some amazing pictures :)

[Ally]

Haha! You've come over to the Obama side. Can't wait to hear about it.

So, yeah. Terrible twos. Um, three can be worse, but yes, they do respond a little better to "no" at 3. Twos on the other hand, communication becomes really, really difficult. Tori knows what she wants, you know what you want, they're different, and she has no logic yet in that cute little noggin of hers to appeal to and she can't really get her needs and wants across. Sigh. Strap in, because it's wild from here on out.

[alley]

Too lazy to sort through the comments above, but here's the jist. Ya gotta be the parent. which means that if it takes physically taking hold of the creature and putting her in a timeout chair that then holding her there until she submits and stays still and quiet, then that is what you ahve to do.

Good rule of thumb, one minute per year. That means the time starts when the tantrum and fighting stops. I know it isn't fun and it isn't pc and it feels like you are beign the meanest person and that you are going to stifle her wonderous little personality.

But little kids like rules. They like structure and routine and limits. They push the limits, but they like the limits. COnstancy helps them form self-assurance and stable personalities.

I know it isn't fun. And its going to last until she's in grade school. But its what she needs.

And god yes, take a break and don't feel guilty about it.

[leah]

Hate to tell you this, but its all downhill from here. Well, if you are lucky you will have a brief respite (spelling?) when she is 8 - 10 years old.

It's time to set some serious and firm boundaries and it will hurt you more than it hurts her. But take it from one who over empathized and didn't set those boundaries firm enough and young enough with the oldest child - if you don't do it now, it really will get worse.

I'm a fan of the Nanny. Time-outs. If she doesn't sit for the time out take her back to the "naughty chair" and start it over. Eventually (in about 3 years hahahaha - no really, sooner than that) she will get it.

She is trying to figure out who is really in charge, her or you and Charlie. If she is allowed to think she's in charge it will actually cause her to feel more insecure in the long run.

Kids constantly test their boundaries by walking right over them. BUT, they really feel the most secure and loved when they discover that most boundaries aren't moveable and they must stay within the framework of the boundaries you set for them.

[Another Heather]

Glad you made it home safely--traveling with little kids is crazy-making. You're a hero for taking such a long trip with a toddler! And I forgot to say on your earlier post, your photo of the Sandias is soooo gorgeous. You take beautiful photos.

Can't wait to hear your Obama conversion story--I'm firmly in the Obama camp myself, and am going a little nutsy waiting for the March 4th results...

[Alex]

Oh dear. I'm no help on the two-year old stuff; mine is only 11 months, so I just read your blogs (and the comments) in hopes of being prepared for what's coming.

But on the too-long vacation thing, yeah. It took me the longest time to realize that there is a set of things that it is important to leave while you are still having fun. Sounds counter-intuitive, but if you stop and think about it you realize why this is important. Parties, for example (and those, it is also useful to leave at a point where your hosts will think, "Gee, I wish Alex had stayed a little longer," and not, "OMG I thought she would NEVER leave," a point I wish more of my guests would figure out...but I digress...). Anyway, yeah. Good point on the vacations.

[claudia]

Our babies are only months apart, my girl is will be 2 in May and life with her is very hard right now. We just (barely) survived an international move (and 2 day car trip) with her and I am still licking the wounds and I believe my hubby is still having nightmares.

It ain't easy and have no advice. Just makes me feel better that I am not the only one suffering, and well, what do you do. After what many of us older moms go through to have them, CAN'T THEY JUST BE PERFECT LITTLE TODDLERS FOR US!!!!Gees, is that too much to ask?

Still have not started blogging, but I will once she stops pawing, crawling, yelling at me, oh and now biting again...

[cj]

We're not big time-out or spanking fans. My cousin uses time-outs a lot and I think they can be used too much and become ineffective.
We don't spank because we can't justify hitting our kid and then telling them "we don't hit people"
So with out 22 month old we use a lot of redirection . He can be redirected or distracted by "looking for something"...he loves squirrels, so when he gets really worked up and can't be reasoned with (arching his back, screaming NO, NO, etc) I'll step back and ask him where the squirrel is. 90% of the time he'll stop and run to the back window to look in the backyard where "our" squirrel hangs out...I know the squirrel isn't there, but he doesn't know when it will be there and when it won't. Some may call it tricking, but at this age the acting out is b/c he can't quite verbalize his specific needs/wants, so he needs to get some kind of control back (in this example he gets control back b/c he knows where to go to find that squirrel).
This parenting thing is a lot of work and you have to be CONSISTENT! I am a work from home mum too and I know it's hard to keep clients happy, meet deadlines and be the mommy. Good luck.

[Kristie]

Heh. Welcome home! Our vacation last year? We had reservations for 7 days at our campground but we left a day early after we tried to go for a small walk, not even a hike, just a flat loop through some giant redwoods and our just turned two year old pitched the biggest screaming fit of his life. I guess he was not going to go look at one more damn giant tree. My husband and I looked at each other and said "we're done." We went directly back to our campsite and started packing up. It was the culmination of a loooong week trying to keep a 7 year old entertained and a 2 year old from killing or maiming himself and we had had it.

This year's vacation? Will be three days, two hour's drive from home.

My son does that horrible "I want that/Oh my god why would you offer me that you moron" thing too and it drives me insane.

I feel your pain. :)

[MsPrufrock]

The concept of "terrible twos" couldn't be a bigger misnomer if it tried. Perhaps "terrible toddlerdom", ie a period of time that could start at 12 months, 18 months, or 20 months.

My little darling started the tantruming shit at about 17 months and hasn't relented since. We prefer to call them "shoedusters", as she bends down and brushes the tips of her feet with her fingers as soon as one is about to commence (??). If one more bloody person says, "Looks like she's hit the terrible twos early, hur hur." I might smack them in their stupid, smug faces. If you google toddler tantrums, you come up with a ton of results for the 15+ months crowd.

So basically, fuck the terrible twos phrasing. That is, unless our kids really are advanced, which is a distinct possibility of course!

[Jen]

I so feel your pain. I think the only thing worse than your trip was mine in early January when we decided to take our 2 1/2 yr old and 5 yr old boys to the Middle East for 12 days. Really don't recommend leaving the country with young children. Can't you see everything in the US? Boy, did my track-home suburban bliss look amazing when we returned...only to deal with the 9hr jet lag for 10 more days. Daycare never looked better...and yes they went, the morning after we returned!

Although I must say my "mom amnesia" has started to kick in because now I am saying it was a great trip...hahahahaha!

[Alison S]

You know, my older daughter is now 13, and I have to disagree (respectfully, of course) with those posters who say "you wait till the teenage years - they are worse." Not that she is easy, as a teen, but she can reason and she can wait (sometimes) and most of all, thank God, she can survive for hours and hours without my direct supervision and not kill herself. And also, if she is rude to me in public, people are likely to feel sorry for me as much as they are to blame me. When she was a toddler, none of these things were true.
I still remember with awful clarity her second worst tantrum ever, which was on Rememberance Day when she was just gone two. This day, in the UK, is when all the war veterans lay wreaths at the local war memorials in every town and observe a two minute silence, at 11 am on 11/11. I'd forgotten about it, and came innocently out of the shopping arcade into the town square, pushing the pushchair, slap bang into the middle of the two minute silence. And a pigeon wandered across in front of us, and my daughter strained at her harness to go and chase the pigeon, and I hissed at her, and she.went.ballistic. Right in the middle of the two minute silence, thrashing and screaming and so forth, rigid and furious. And all the war veterans looked at me with hatred, and I ran around the corner to the edge of the square and stood to observe the rest of the silence, mortified. And one old lady, of the uber-Establishment prim and proper type, detached herself from the group and hobbled over to me and said, "Don't worry, my dear. They all do it, and it's not your fault." She was absolutely right, and I was so grateful.
Then there was the time when I had to shut older daughter in the garden (visible through a glass door) because I was so furious with her tantrum that I thought I might hurt her otherwise. And the time when younger daughter hit the same age and refused to be strapped into her carseat outside older daughter's school after morning dropoff. Refused for 45 minutes. I mean screaming, rigid, unbuckleable level of thrashing for 45 minutes. The teachers kept coming out in shifts to see if I was all right, and it was only when she was semi-unconscious with exhaustion that I was finally able to force her into the seat enough to do the straps up.
I don't remember when they started to listen to commands properly, but I think it was somewhere within touching distance of 3 in both cases.
Now, we have arguments, and it can be stressful, but at least there is some logic to a teenager's resistance (IMO), even if it's logic you disagree with or think is wrong. I think it was the randomn and contradictory nature of the toddler outbursts that I found so hard to deal with.
Sorry this went on so long.

[Chickenpig]

Oh, do I ever hear what you're saying, sister. I swear to god that my boys quietly whisper across their room, conspiring to drive my husband and me INSANE. First D was a wonderful baby, and his brother was a colicky son-of-satan child. Then D became the totally irrational freakazoid that you have described, while N became the frighteningly rational toddler...who listened to reason and even picked up his toys. Now D responds to commands and does as he is asked, while N throws shrieking tantrums that baffle us and leave him exhausted. What the F#$K? As soon as we get a little smug and comfortable with our parenting skills, they smack us down.

The best thing you can do for your own sanity right now is to have one room that is as toddler proofed as you can make it, and let Tori go hog wild in it. If you have one space where you can breathe a little, and that is filled with stimulating things for Tori to play in, it gets easier in other rooms of your house and beyond.

[Sheri]

oh my! I'm betting Tori will be back to her usual self in a few days when she realizes that she's back in her ouwn surroundings. Gary and I always found that after a few days away from home with Hannah (when she was that age) she has all out of sorts... and so were we.

I'm glad you home safe and sound and enjoy your blissful quiet day!

[deezydubya]

Yeah, I hear you. My son started his "terrible twos" at like 18 months old (so precocious! so annoying!) and he hasn't quit yet at 2.5.

I remember fondly the day when I realized that he did indeed know what those words meant - no, stop, don't touch - because he was hollering them at me to try and get ME to stop trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do.

"No, no mommy, bad mommy, no touch! My motecontrow!"

This is why they all start off tiny and cute with delightful smelling heads - so you won't drown them in the toilet when they scream at you for taking away your own car keys before they can flush them.