Home, Home, Home

I swear, when I got off the plane, and saw the duct tape holding together the banister on the ramp leading out of our gate (ah, my ramshackle city), I was never so happy to be back in Philadelphia.

God, what a long trip.

I had no idea what I was getting us into when we scheduled a vacation for over two weeks. I really just thought to myself, "Oh, it will be wonderful, and we won't have to limit ourselves at any location!"

I was an idiot.

Ten days is nice, and leaves you wanting a bit more. Two weeks is plenty, and leaves you feeling grateful to be home. Two weeks plus five days leaves you shaking, weak in the knees, mildly insane, and seriously considering leaping out the plane window on the way home to see if that will make the plane ride end faster.

The last five days was like traveling, as Charlie says, with a two-foot tall rather adorable mental patient. Tori has hit the terrible twos a bit early and has become rather unpredictable. For instance, she will frequently ask for Elmo--at top volume, over and over--and we, being the loving and highly accommodating parents that we are (also parents who desperately want the shrieks of MOMO MOMO MOMO to please for the love of all that is holy STOP) will obligingly crawl under the crib and find said Elmo and offer it to Tori, quite pleased with ourselves for meeting her needs so squarely, and she will look at the doll as if we have offered her a shovel with a heaping, steaming pile of dog shit on it and scream at the top of her lungs, "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" until we remove the offending Elmo far, far away--and then console her accordingly. This goes on with about 50% of what she asks for, so we feel a bit as if we are rats in a science experiment--sometimes we get a nice piece of cheese (a happy baby), and sometimes we get electrical shocks (a screaming, crying, insane baby).

She's been exhibiting this behavior for the whole trip, but it ramped up while we were away and is now in full swing. Charlie and I are rather shell shocked--as I imagine most parents are when they hit this stage in toddlerdom. Tori has always been a remarkably easy going kid with very easy-to-satisfy needs, and now to have her suddenly become impossible to please is just, frankly, fucking awful. Plus, we've gone from being those smug parents with the perfect child in public to being those parents everyone ignores in public with the screaming kid who has to be removed from the restaurant, or who screams at top volume on the plane, or, say, who cries for 45 minutes straight while waiting to pass through security at the airport (at the Phoenix airport at 9:30am yesterday? yep, that was us).

I have NEVER been so happy to see her go to morning care as I was this morning. And I do not feel the least bit guilty about it. I caught up on all my work emails (I thought I'd be able to work on this trip! ha!), I copied all my trip photos to my home hard drive, I am writing this blog entry, all without any small fingers trying to get the keyboard or grabbing my leg or... sigh. It's heaven.

Other than trips to the bathroom, I have been in the same room as my daughter for the last twenty days. For the last week, until last night, we were in the same bed. I love her--insanely, and beyond reason--but GOOD LORD I NEEDED A BREAK.

Tell me this: is there ever a time--EVER--that children begin to respond to verbal commands of "NO" and "STOP" and "DON'T"? And, if so, how do you make that happen? Because Tori is so extraordinarily talented at finding exactly the best way to injure herself or damage something important to us these days and we simply cannot make her stop without physically grabbing her--and then coping with the ensuing tantrum. We can't ever stop watching her for a second--not to eat, or talk to someone, or breathe, or sneeze-- without her climbing something, grabbing something, or breaking something. She does NOT respond to any verbal cues at all except occasionally a very loud "eh-eh-eh-eh" noise that I make. EVER. It's gotten no better with time. I feel very hopeless about it, honestly.

OK. I'm done now. I swear. No more complaining about my trip or my daughter because I know that there are at least a dozen people composing anonymous emails right now saying, "At least you have a daughter" or "At least you got a vacation." YOU ARE RIGHT. I AM AN ASSHOLE. I have always been an asshole, there is no denying that. When I have two more nights of sleep, I promise to keep my assholiness inside my own head and not share it with the world anymore. M'kay?

So--what did I miss? Other than the incredibly fabulousness of Akeeyu having her TWIN GIRLS? Remind me when I'm less fried to tell you all about other things like how Obama has gotten my vote (I know!), and other topical goings-on after I catch up on all the other news (I've been in a near news black out too). OK? God, it's good to be home.

Comments

[Andrew]

Sarah is right. Toddlers suck. Nature makes them really cute because that's the onl thing that keeps you from chucking them out a second story window.

And yes, it gets better. But no one can predict when. Sorry.

Check back with me at the end of April when I get back from Phoenix. I may have changed my answer.

[Clare]

Jamie started to respond to "no" "stop" and "don't" sometimes somewhere in three. At Tori's age, he would run over and start shaking a pole lamp just to see my reaction. He still doesn't always listen, but it's definitely better than at two. Of course, last night we sent him to his room for throwing legos at his baby sister, and he stood outside the door shouting, "I'm not in my room and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME STAY THERE", so it's not better in all ways. But at least there's more communication as they get older.

[lb]

I think that at this age, they have developed highly specific desires (I want you to pick me out of my crib and put me on the floor so that I can get the Elmo myself) but only have general language to express it in (ELMO!) Thus the frustration. It will get better, in some ways, as her language improves. Although sometimes when they start expressing these ridiculously specific wants (Nooo!! This fork has 4 points!! I wanted one with threeeeeee!) you will wish that they were just crying about it instead.

As for getting her to obey, I think it's always important to have an alternative to give. I want my own 20 month old to stay out of my kitchen cupboards, so I have given him a cupboard of his own that he CAN play in. Then, when he goes into one of the forbidden cupboards, I tell him "That's not your cupboard....where's your cupboard?" and he will go find it. Is there something that Tori is allowed to climb on? If not, maybe you should think about setting something up. Then, when she's climbing on the kitchen table, you can say "That's not where we climb. Come and climb on your climber." as you are picking her up and moving her. Hopefully the message will sink in eventually. At least it gives you something to say besides "NOOOOO!" :)

I see you've been given a lot of recommendations for 'time out'. I'm not a big fan of it, myself. I do feel that sometimes a kid needs to have a few minutes alone in order to collect themselves, but when used as a punishment I don't care for it. It feels to me too much like withdrawing your love, and/or playing off of a child's innate fear of separation. Lots of people use it, and I'm not criticizing them. But it's not the only way to raise kids, so if it doesn't seem like a good fit for you and Tori, don't be dismayed. It's perfectly possible to raise wonderful children without spanking OR time out. I have three. :)

[kheatherg]

Heres the lo-down.

Terrible two's they dont listen, but then there comes a few ages where they will listen for the most part but then your bitch-slapped by the teen years. It is then that you wish for the Terrible Two's again, becuse at least back then....they were cute.

And we're all assholes one way or another and i'll be flat honest...I have no desire to hang out with my kids in a SAHM capicity. They drive me fuckin' nuts. (Ages 5 thru 14 - 4 of them) When we all spend time together i'm okay but too much time and i just wanna chunk my teenager right out the kitchen window.

As MY gma says it..."Bless her little heart!" and i always say, "She doesnt live with you gma!" LOL

Welcome Home.

[kheatherg]

Heres the lo-down.

Terrible two's they dont listen, but then there comes a few ages where they will listen for the most part but then your bitch-slapped by the teen years. It is then that you wish for the Terrible Two's again, becuse at least back then....they were cute.

And we're all assholes one way or another and i'll be flat honest...I have no desire to hang out with my kids in a SAHM capicity. They drive me fuckin' nuts. (Ages 5 thru 14 - 4 of them) When we all spend time together i'm okay but too much time and i just wanna toss my teenager right out the kitchen window.

As MY gma says it..."Bless her little heart!" and i always say, "She doesnt live with you gma!" LOL

Welcome Home.

[Amanda]

This is perhaps the WORST age for travel. I feel your pain and will feel it moreso when I take my two kids down to California for a week next month without my husband! I don't why vacations ever sound like "fun" to parents, because really they are torturous.

And with regards to responding to verbal commands, I learned with my first that I was making the mistake of saying, "no/don't do that/stop" etc even with things that didn't bother me much. So if he didn't do what I asked, about half the time I didn't care enough to make him stop. But I learned that then they NEVER do what you say, so my rule is not to verbally ask my child to do anything I'm not fully prepared to get up off my ass and MAKE them do. My firstborn didn't start responding to verbal commands until he was around three (sorry!), so that was a lot of getting up off my ass. My second is only a month older than Tori, so I feel your pain. Acutely.

[Shazamama]

I wouldn't venture to say "you think this is bad......" because I think we all have our strengths and weaknesses that inteplay with different stages of development. I'm a much better mom to school aged kids than babies.

The New York Times just had a great article called "The Caveman in the Crib" or something like that. Definitely worth reading - gist is that toddlers aren't little adults and that they have primitive brains. Dr. Karp of "Happiest Baby on the Block" is the author they discuss - I haven't read his stuff, but this article was interesting. Not sure I'd incorporate all of the suggestions, but worth a consideration.

Also thought I'd relay what my friend told me - once you have kids, there are no vacations", only "family trips." So true!

[Jessica]

Since I went back to work in October every Monday I say "Thank GOD it's Monday!" and every Friday I say "Thank GOD it's Friday!" For us, things are always better if there's been good sleep (esp. naps, which have become extremely rare these days for the 2.5 year old) and regular meals and snacks.

Glad you all made it back safe, if less sane.

[thalia]

Oh cecily, not you too. I thought you were for hillary, come hill or high water? I'm so disappointed!

[Jen]

my girl's just turned 8 months so i don't have any helpful hints on hellions but i will say this: you're a great mom who knows her daughter well and i have faith that you'll figure it out eventually...and then you'll tell me the secret. :)

also, assholiness made me giggle.

welcome home!

[bh]

no suggestions on how to deal with Tori...just a "welcome home"...i have enjoyed watching your vacation pictures from afar...the scenery was beautiful!

[Sarah]

I'm sure I'm not saying anything original, but you are not an asshole, and I am so glad that you have a daugher to comaplain about and that you had too much vacation. The twos are hard--and she seems pretty confused about whats going on inside, so of course its a shizophrenic experience (the love, the annoyance).
Welcome home!

[Ruth]

If you haven't found them yet, I heartily recommend "Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender" by Louise Bates Ames and Frances Ilg. The whole series (there's one for each year of your child's life) is fantastic ... the 3yo book, in particular, saved my sanity. Some of the examples are a bit dated, but the developmental stuff is sound and the advice good.

Hang in there .... this, too, shall pass.

[Diana]

I have a big grin on my face because I have the SAME CHILD in male form. Now he is 2 years, 3 months, and actually getting better. Yes, he yells for bread and then throws it, then asks for it, then throws it, then asks for it, then finally calms down and wants it. Oh, and drinks, or toys, or whatever. It takes a lot of patience and that is all the advice I have, quite unfortunately.

[LL]

oh my god! OH MY GOD! I thought I was the only one with the child who did the thing with the elmo/bottle/food/toy/whatever.. Sometimes she's just inconsolable.. she wants it, she doesn't want it ...WTF???
Sorry no advice although reading some of the above comments it sounds like we need to count our lucky stars until the teen years.

[Amyesq]

I am just cracking up. You are so damn funny. I don't envy you and good LORD you are not an asshole! So not looking forward to that stage with my twins. I saw small glimpses of it when they were sick a couple of weeks ago. One kid would have a stuffed dog and her the other would want it and dissolve into tears and shrieks. I would then give her the EXACT SAME stuffed dog, since I thought I was brilliant for procuring two to start with. This was met with blind rage. Oh no! Kid two wanted ONLY the stuffed dog kid one was holding. Who replaced my children with demons?

And when does it end? Does it end?

[Christine]

Just consider Tori your own personal trainer!

:)

[mellie]

I haven't found the voice activation setting on my 2 yr old yet. I go with the parenting as a hands on activity right now, and try to redirect. It is true that they have concepts of what they want and how they want it and when tired, they can't grasp the idea that they are getting nearly what they want.

The Boy also practiced his passive protesting methods tonight in the big box store by slumping down on the gound in the main isle, which will be useful for sit-ins for peaceful protests in the future, but isn't much appreciated now. Leads mommy to practice her I am a potato farmer hauling a sack of potatoes through the warehouse skill.

[Kathy]

I havent' read the comments but let me say if anyone makes one of those "How dare you say that comments" They have a problem not you. I can honestly say that just because you occasionally struggle and get a bit cranky doesn't make you a bad mom. Being totally responsible for anyone 24/7 is hard. It doesn't mean you don't love themor appriciate them because you vented a bit!

Glad you are back!

[alison]

Oh no! I am still a Hillary supporter, but anxiously awaiting your Obama post. Since he's likely to be our next president, I'd truly like to be convinced that this Obama mania isn't a wee bit creepy.

Well, sorry your vacation wasn't restful. Three cheers for daycare!

[maggie]

My daughter (just turning 17 months) is starting to do the SAME THING. OH MY GOD. I am exausted and she KNOWS what no and stop means but she chooses to ignore us. And the screaming! It was like it happened overnight! I hope someone has some advice other than wait it out!!

[goodsandwich]

You've probably already heard this in the comments above - sorry if it's a repeat.

1) Tori will not be such an asshole now that you're home. (I don't think she's an asshole! They just play one on vacation.) After a while traveling, they start acting up, and it generally means "Where the hell am I and where am I supposed to be?"

2) She won't respond *on her own* to verbal commands like Stop and No for some time, maybe a couple years. She hasn't developed any impulse control at all yet, let alone *reliable* impulse control. To her, 'Stop' does mean something, she knows it is important. But it's more like, "Hey, that's what Mommy says while she helps me stop doing whatever I'm doing!" She does need to hear the words, but she also needs you to *help* her stop, every single exhausting time. Sometimes she's just ignoring you b/c she wants what she wants, but mostly -- honestly -- she just needs *help* stopping.

3) Screaming NO about the thing she asked for is twofold. Partly she's testing her oppositional skills. And partly she's protesting the fact that she couldn't solve the problem herself, which makes her mad.

[Kathy C.]

Cec, I really do sympathize and hope you all are settling back in and getting some much needed rest. But still - I need to know how my favorite baby girl is. Please update us. Does she seem relieved to be back home, too?

[trishka]

i didn't read through the comments, but just wanted to jump in to mention that my Precious Snowflake is just about exactly 1 month older than tori, and what you described is what we are living with every day.

it is exhausting, no doubt. i do so get now why they call it the terrible twos, except they don't mention that it starts around 18 months.

[NicolefromAZ]

Now I really feel like an ass for not coming up to you at the airport. I wondered if that was Tori crying.. oh I could have helped you.