Antibiotics and Nudity

I'm now on round two of antibiotics in less than a month. Yeah. The very first day we were home from the trip Tori brought home something from morning care (I suppose she could have gotten it on the plane as well) and Charlie got it a few days later and last Thursday it was clear that I was coming down with it as well. By Friday night my throat was so sore I could barely swallow and it continued that way through the whole weekend, and I finally broke down and saw my doctor yesterday who looked at my throat and actually took a step back when she saw it and hastily wrote a script for some hard core antibiotics. It's just red--no tell tale white spots--but it really hurts. It's just a bit better this morning but I am totally wiped out. I fell asleep probably forty times yesterday, including while sitting at my computer trying to write a piece for work. Not good.

I hate day care crud.

So, in other news, I did not link to my nekkid picture the other day randomly. Part of my journey toward self-love and self-acceptance in this whole fat acceptance thing--this idea of loving myself at the size I am now, and not waiting to love myself when I'm a size 18, or 14, or 12--has made me look at my body differently and try, if I can, to see its beauty. Since I decided to join Sarah in her self-portrait journey (albeit on a much smaller scale), I thought this would a good challenge for me. And part of that is actually looking at what my body looks like naked. Well, no, let's go back further--part of that means looking at my whole body. I started by taking this photograph. As you can see, I had to couch it with a self-deprecating title (does this tree make me look fat?) and I felt very, very awkward about it. But not too long after that I took a shot of myself standing in my basement draped in christmas lights--completely naked--and I allowed a very small select group of women (and Charlie) I trusted see it (no, I'm not going to link to it--I'm not there yet). Those friends were very nice to me and called me brave.

I took a few other shots where I draped my body in blankets, another partial nude with christmas lights, *edited to add* a very out-of-focus partial black and white nude, and then a silly photoshop project using a whole body shot, but it was that most recent shot where I got really brave. And wow, you guys were so nice! I can't believe how many people looked at it, and maybe the comments did devolve into a bit of a "my boobs are bigger" contest (Nancy, you win, hands down--no one else comes close)--but still, it was awesome. After feeling like a fat lump for the last ten years, it's really nice to get a little bit of a nudge in the opposite direction.

Several of you said you wanted to take similar photos--I say, go for it! It's totally empowering.

That said, I'm not perfect on the fat acceptance thing. I lost about ten pounds on our trip, and that pleased me no end and I'm trying to keep it off. Also, most of the pictures I take for my 52 Weeks project look like this--close ups of my face, safe and thin-looking.

It's all about progress, right? Sigh.

Comments

[Coral]

The 'Christmas Lights' one looks like a Leonardo da Vinci painting! Very Madonna. How did you do that?

[Kim]

Cecily, that photo is absolutely beautiful.
I'll be your husband loves it.

[alyssa]

cecily, PLEASE take probiotics. and not generic ones, good ones.

last time i was on serious antibiotics i ended up in the hospital with a raging infection in my colon. the good news: i lost 12 pounds. the bad news: i was there for a week and had i not been rushed there i could have lost my colon or DIED.

[JuliaKB]

The one with lights is way cool.
I also don't think there is any reason not to feel happy with loosing pounds. If they came off, they came off, and if you feel better without them, woot.

I loved the photos, and meant to comment on them on flickr, but i cant remember my password.

When people say " there was good lighting" how do they know? is it something you learn or just something you...know?

I have never once said to myself, hey look! Good lighting! I'll take a picture. Maybe I am missing out on some great shots...

[Jo-Ann]

Good for you

These days I can't look in the mirror let alone take a pic. I could learn a lesson from what you are doing.

In all the pictures you look simply beautiful and lovely. Very womanly.

[Carla Hinkle]

Love the Xmas lights photo. Love it.

You know, I don't think you have to feel *bad* about weight loss. If you are really trying to be "happy at any weight" (I forget the exact tagline), then if your body finds new set point that works, and it doesn't torture you to get/stay there, great. Just remember not to beat yourself up if/when the weight comes back.

[G-mom]

OOOO I'm a nakked type person and after looking at your pics I'm thinking I can do this. Daughter will have small melt down BUT, life is good! Thanks for the boost. You really should be published (are you?) like a coffee table book or something. Maybe title it "Its' only me".

[birdie]

1. I love the xmas lights picture. Beautiful.

2. Day care crud BITES THE BIG ONE. My little dude has had pink eye twice in the last month. Yeah.

[Julie]

You are stunning and I love the ones with the lights.

I agree about the probiotics. A friend of mine just had that stomach infection from the antibiotics and it sucks!

[Katie]

Cecily,
I know you are going to really hate this comment, but I'll say it anyway. I am size 6-ish, but I still hate my body. So like you said, you have to choose to love your body now, regardless of size. I think taking pictures could help me, maybe. I took a non-artistic rear view shot to see if my shape was as freakish as I thought it was (yes), and I'm sad to say that I was disgusted and horrified. I just don't understand how we are able to be sucked into something (hating our bodies) that makes no sense.

[kheatherg]

I like your self portrait photos. I think they are elegant and daring enough to be daring but not racy......does that even make sense? LOL

Anyway, they are nice and i find myself looking at them like art. And your right, its so hard to take a photo of yourself. I just want to throw photos of myself away, its like i hate seeing them! I avoid the camera at all costs.....sadly. I should take your advice.

Thanks for the swift kick in the ass!

[Lisa]

You look beautiful in all of those pics. Thanks for posting this b/c it makes me think of body issues in a more profound way than just the usual "does this outfit make me look fat routine?" every morning.

I learned an interesting lesson last year -- I went through an absolutely horrid summer, and in the process of all manner of major life upheavals I literally couldn't eat and lost about 15-20 pounds and was the thinnest I'd been in 10 years. But every time I saw my thin self in the mirror I was reminded of what a mess my life was at the time. Now I'm in a much better place, have gained the 15 pounds back but I'm much happier to be the size I am now and be happy, than to be thin and miserable. Not to say I couldn't be thin and happy, just that it's interesting the way life works sometimes!

[Peach]

Cecily, have you checked out the book "The Full Body Project" by Leonard Nimoy? I saw him on The Colbert Report talking about it and I keep meaning to pick it up.

(It could be I missed this as work kept me in a cloud all of November and December.)

[Emily]

Is it possible to accept and love yourself for what your body is right now, and still attempt to lose weight is a safe, healthy, non-obsessive way? Do you think the fat acceptance experts would see that as a possibility.

It seems like a wonderful thing for everyone to learn how to love themselves as they are. I don't think it's just "fat" people that need to do that. But does it have to mean not working to improve, be healthier, etc.?

I know it's not the same thing, but I have ADD. It's a huge issue for me and something that dramatically affects my self esteem. I have to be able to both accept that about myself, that I will never be this organized, neat, put-together person, and I have to find strategies to deal with the problem so my life can not be quite so difficult. I need to not hate myself every time I lose my keys, or the copy of the check I just got because I lost the last one, or I forget my poor son at school, but I also can't forget mu son at school!

Anyway, this isn't meant to be critical at all, only wondering if there's a way to do both at one, be happy as you are and work to improve.

[Kris]

I am so going to do this. I love it! Thanks for the inspiration...I needed it!

[Melissa in TN]

I really like the Halloween photo with the pumpkin. You look especially pretty in that one (not that I don't like the others--that one's just my fave).

Hope you are feeling better.

[Agnes]

One of the things about taking pictures, rather than looking in the mirror, is that it's easier to think of what you're seeing as someone else, and see how much less you judge what you see. I had a really specific moment of this experience, looking at a group picture of me and a bunch of other people poised to run into a VERY cold body of water two summers ago. And the line of people in bathing suits went hot, hot, hot, has twenty things to pick apart, hot, hot, hot... And then I realized that, no, really, if I were looking at this exact same shot of someone else, the line would have gone hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. (And hot, here, does not mean supermodel. It means human, which is awesome.)

Try to look at your pictures the way we've been looking at your pictures. Because those flaws you hate aren't things we even see.

[sarah]

You are beautiful and I cannot believe that after reading your blog for so many years that this is my first comment.

You have really challenged yourself with you journey of acceptance. I know it is worth it and the alternative of hating ourselves just has to cease to be an option.

I have to take take issue with the comment made by Alyssa about how she nearly died from a colon infection. The first thing she mentions is how at least it was good she lost 12 pounds. Seriously?!!??

The mindset that weight loss is always good no matter how it happens is very dangerous and counterproductive in self acceptance. It is also offensive to those who are ill and trying to keep the weight they have.

I love your blog.

[carmie]

Bravo Cecily! I've always thought you were a beautiful woman in all your pictures, and I particularly enjoyed these.

You are much braver than me. I don't know that I will ever be able to take a nude photo of myself, let alone put it up on Flickr. I bought a pair of shorts the other day and that's taken me years to get to that point.

[Nanarocksween]

Cecily, you're beautiful! I looked at the "nekkid" picture of you, and you look amazing.
It's a great photo.

[heather]

as always, Cecily, thank you for sharing with us.
I wish that the "fat acceptance" movement could evolve into just body acceptance. As a person who is not clinically overweight, I find that I struggle with a lot of the issues that you describe. i worry about how my little girl is going to be affected by the way I see myself, and I am trying my hardest to change it. It's just so hard to change something that you've lived with for as long as you can remember. I think that a lot of people, all sizes, shapes, could benefit from what you are learning and saying.
BTW, the pictures are incredible...and I must confess that I am so jealous of your beautiful skin...seriously.

[leslie]

Gorgeous pix! Takes a lot of talent to put self-portrait pieces like that together. I've messed around with that issue of wanting to shoot oneself nude but not necessarily have it all visible. I think your photos reveal a lot about who you are - just beautiful!

I hated the daycare crud age - feels like you'll never get healthy! Spring is coming though and it will get better. At least that's what I've been telling myself as my teenagers share their colds with me. Better than the little kid bugs but still...

[Chickenpig]

I love your pumpkin and Christmas lights self portraits. They were far better than many of the pieces I saw in art school...you would have kicked ass there! However you feel about your body, you should know that you have lovely, classic features and coloring, and that you make a beautiful model. No, not the coat hanger scary models, but a real model. It would have been a pleasure and challenge to paint or draw you. I don't think that after all these years I would do you justice, but you are doing a good job of photographing yourself. I hope that you can look at your pictures objectively and really see yourself.

I wish I had your courage. I would like to take pictures of my pregnant belly, but I think that it looks so scarred and hideous I don't dare. I am NOT a good photographer, and I don't have your bone structure so I usually don't look good in pictures at all, no matter what size I am.

[Sheri]

I love Agnes' comment "those flaws you hate aren't things we even see".... wow - I need to adopt that as my motto becuase I can not stand pictures of myself. You are very beautiful and brave and are so photogenic. I should treat myself to a photo session with a real photographer and hope it brings out the beauty in me that I know is there.... I just can't find it... or it always stays hidden.

I hope you feel better soon.